tag:theconversation.com,2011:/au/topics/apologising-23920/articlesapologising – The Conversation2022-09-29T13:10:29Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1895142022-09-29T13:10:29Z2022-09-29T13:10:29ZYom Kippur: What does Judaism actually say about forgiveness?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486185/original/file-20220922-34619-fercfo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=6%2C3%2C1016%2C748&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Two women embrace before a Yom Kippur service held outdoors during the COVID-19 pandemic in Los Angeles. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/rebeka-small-right-hugs-jennifer-galperson-before-the-yom-news-photo/1235386892?adppopup=true">Al Seib/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The Jewish High Holidays include Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Traditionally, Jews view the holidays as a chance to reflect on our shortcomings, make amends and seek forgiveness, both from other people and from the Almighty.</p>
<p>Jews pray and fast on Yom Kippur to demonstrate their remorse and to focus on reconciliation. According to Jewish tradition, it is at the end of this solemn period that God seals his decision about each person’s fate for the coming year. Congregations recite a prayer called <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Unetaneh_Tokef.4?lang=bi">the “Unetanah Tokef</a>,” which recalls God’s power to decide “who shall live and who shall die, who shall reach the ends of his days and who shall not” – an ancient text that Leonard Cohen popularized with his song “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=251Blni2AE4">Who by Fire</a>.”</p>
<p>Forgiveness and related concepts, such as compassion, are central virtues in many religions. What’s more, research has shown that it is <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00320">psychologically beneficial</a>. </p>
<p>But each religious tradition has its own particular views about forgiveness, as well, including Judaism. As <a href="https://search.asu.edu/profile/970085">a psychologist of religion</a>, I have done research on these similarities and differences when it comes to forgiveness.</p>
<h2>Person to person</h2>
<p>Several specific attitudes about forgiveness are reflected in <a href="https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/mahzor-contents/">the liturgy of the Jewish High Holidays</a>, so those who go to services are likely to be aware of them – even if they skip out for a snack.</p>
<p>In Jewish theology, only the victim has the right to forgive an offense against another person, and an offender should repent toward the victim before forgiveness can take place. Someone who has hurt another person <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/sheets/189688?lang=bi">must sincerely apologize three times</a>. If the victim still withholds forgiveness, the offender is considered forgiven, and the victim now shares the blame.</p>
<p>The 10-day period known as the “Days of Awe” – Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and the days between – is <a href="https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/989859/jewish/Asking-Forgiveness.htm">a popular time for forgiveness</a>. Observant Jews reach out to friends and family they have wronged over the past year so that they can enter Yom Kippur services with a clean conscience and hope they have done all they can to mitigate God’s judgment.</p>
<p>The teaching that only a victim can forgive someone implies that God cannot forgive offenses between people until the relevant people have forgiven each other. It also means that some offenses, <a href="https://www.yadvashem.org/articles/academic/dilemma-of-forgiveness.html">such as the Holocaust</a>, <a href="https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1010092/jewish/Should-We-Forgive-the-Nazis.htm">can never be forgiven</a>, because those martyred are dead and unable to forgive.</p>
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<img alt="Many people dressed in black and white stand in a courtyard between ancient walls." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Thousands of Jewish pilgrims attend penitential prayers at the Western Wall in Jerusalem ahead of the Jewish High Holiday of Rosh Hashana.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/thousands-of-jewish-pilgrims-attend-the-selichot-prayers-at-news-photo/1235077833?adppopup=true">Menahem Kahana/AFP via Getty Images</a></span>
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<h2>To forgive or not to forgive?</h2>
<p>In <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=wKkzdPAAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao">psychological research</a>, I have found that most Jewish and Christian participants endorse the views of forgiveness espoused by their religions.</p>
<p>As in Judaism, most Christian teachings encourage people to ask and give forgiveness for harms done to one another. But they tend to teach that more sins should be forgiven – and can be, by God, because Jesus’ death <a href="https://www.britannica.com/topic/atonement-religion">atoned vicariously for people’s sins</a>.</p>
<p>Even in Christianity, not all offenses are forgivable. The New Testament describes <a href="https://www.biola.edu/blogs/good-book-blog/2021/what-is-the-unforgiveable-sin-what-is-blasphemy-against-the-spirit">blaspheming against the Holy Spirit</a> as an unforgivable sin. And Catholicism teaches that there is a category called “<a href="https://www.usccb.org/sites/default/files/flipbooks/catechism/456/">mortal sins</a>,” which cut off sinners from God’s grace unless they repent.</p>
<p>One of my research papers, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00370.x">consisting of three studies</a>, shows that a majority of Jewish participants believe that some offenses are too severe to forgive; that it doesn’t make sense to ask someone other than the victim about forgiveness; and that forgiveness is not offered unconditionally, but after the offender has tried to make things right.</p>
<p>Take this specific example: In <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00370.x">one of my research studies</a> I asked Jewish and Christian participants if they thought a Jew should forgive a dying Nazi soldier who requested forgiveness for killing Jews. This scenario is described in “<a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/190370/the-sunflower-by-simon-wiesenthal/9780805210606/readers-guide/">The Sunflower</a>” by <a href="https://encyclopedia.ushmm.org/content/en/article/nazi-hunting-simon-wiesenthal">Simon Wiesenthal</a>, a writer and Holocaust survivor famous for his efforts to prosecute German war criminals.</p>
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<img alt="A color photograph of an older, balding man in a blue shirt and striped tie." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=920&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=920&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=920&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1156&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1156&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1156&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Simon Wiesenthal at the White House during the Reagan administration.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/hunter-of-nazi-war-criminals-simon-wiesenthal-at-white-news-photo/72431898?adppopup=true">Diana Walker/The Chronicle Collection via Getty Images</a></span>
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<p>Jewish participants often didn’t think the question made sense: How could someone else – someone living – forgive the murder of another person? The Christian participants, on the other hand, who were all Protestants, usually said to forgive. They agreed more often with statements like “Mr. Wiesenthal should have forgiven the SS soldier” and “Mr. Wiesenthal would have done the virtuous thing if he forgave the soldier.”</p>
<p>It’s not just about the Holocaust. We <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00370.x">also asked</a> about a more everyday scenario – imagining that a student plagiarized a paper that participants’ friends had written, and then asked the participants for forgiveness – and saw similar results.</p>
<p>Jewish people have a wide variety of opinions on these topics, though, as they do in all things. “Two Jews, three opinions!” as the old saying goes. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/pac0000056">In other studies</a> with my co-researchers, we showed that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327949pac1201_5">Holocaust survivors</a>, as well as Jewish American college students born well after the Holocaust, vary widely in how tolerant they are of German people and products. Some are perfectly fine with traveling to Germany and having German friends, and others are unwilling to even listen to Beethoven.</p>
<p>In these studies, the key variable that seems to distinguish Jewish people who are OK with Germans and Germany from those who are not is to what extent they associate all Germans with Nazism. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327949pac1201_5">Among the Holocaust survivors</a>, for example, survivors who had been born in Germany – and would have known German people before the war – were more tolerant than those whose first, perhaps only, exposure to Germans had been in the camps.</p>
<h2>Forgiveness is good for you – or is it?</h2>
<p>American society – where about <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/religious-landscape-study/">7 in 10 people identify as Christian</a> – generally views forgiveness as a positive virtue. What’s more, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/0887044042000196674">research has found</a> there are <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-45272-009">emotional</a> and physical benefits to letting go of grudges.</p>
<p>But does this mean forgiveness is always the answer? To me, it’s an open question. </p>
<p>For example, future research could explore whether forgiveness is always psychologically beneficial, or only when it aligns with the would-be forgiver’s religious views. </p>
<p>If you are observing Yom Kippur, remember that – as with every topic – Judaism has a wide and, well, forgiving view of what is acceptable when it comes to forgiveness.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/189514/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Adam B. Cohen does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Many religions value forgiveness, but the details of their teachings differ. A psychologist of religion explains how Christian and Jewish attitudes compare.Adam B. Cohen, Professor of Psychology, Arizona State UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1239712019-09-23T11:34:59Z2019-09-23T11:34:59Z3 tips for Justin Trudeau on how to say ‘I’m sorry’<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>These two words may seem simple, but the ability to express them when you’re in the wrong is anything but – particularly for those in the public eye. </p>
<p>Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, to name a recent example, <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2019/09/20/justin-trudeau-says-hell-ban-military-style-weapons/2388136001/">had to apologize several times</a> since a photo and a video of him in brownface and blackface makeup surfaced recently. Trudeau’s troubles echo Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2019/02/01/politics/democrats-call-on-northam-to-resign/index.html">difficulty</a> apologizing for a <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ralph-northam-response-racist-yearbook-photo_us_5c54bca6e4b0871047536bed">photo on his medical school yearbook page</a> of a man in blackface and another wearing the dress of a Ku Klux Klan member.</p>
<p>As a <a href="https://www.middlebury.edu/institute/people/lisa-leopold">language scholar</a>, I’ve tried to get to the bottom of just what makes an apology effective by analyzing dozens of mea culpas. While some offered authentic apologies, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/10/05/us/statement-from-harvey-weinstein.html?mtrref=www.wmagazine.com">many more seemed defensive</a>, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/31/us/southwest-airlines-lindsay-gottlieb-biracial-baby-trnd/index.html">insincere</a> or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6DOhioBfyY">forced</a>.</p>
<p>With the help of insights from <a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/sorry-about-that-9780199300914?cc=us&lang=en&">linguists</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7vP01U8qr4">psychologists</a> and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10551-011-0915-9">business ethicists</a> who study apologies, I found that there are three main elements each needs to have to be effective.</p>
<h2>Not all apologies are equal</h2>
<p>Much is at stake with a public apology.</p>
<p>When done right, it can rebuild trust and <a href="https://ac.els-cdn.com/S0378216608003007/1-s2.0-S0378216608003007-main.pdf?_tid=65a4d09e-c6be-4eeb-a055-c41490e57dea&acdnat=1549406972_fcd23b7de5022a7f8239b687c7ee5a9d">restore a damaged reputation</a>. However, a poorly crafted apology can lead to widespread criticism and further damage credibility. <a href="https://hbr.org/2015/08/research-for-a-corporate-apology-to-work-the-ceo-should-look-sad">Research shows</a> that the <a href="https://on.ft.com/2DmdS1n">way a company crafts an apology</a> can even affect its future financial performance. Leaders who apologize <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/225822507_Apologies_and_Transformational_Leadership">tend to be viewed more favorably</a> than those who don’t.</p>
<p>In “<a href="https://www.moodypublishers.com/books/marriage-and-family/when-sorry-isnt-enough/">When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love</a>,” Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas cite a survey of what people preferred in an apology. It found that almost four-fifths wanted their would-be penitent to either express regret or accept responsibility, as opposed to make restitution, repent or seek forgiveness. </p>
<p>In 2011, David Boyd, now dean emeritus at Northeastern University’s D’Amore-McKim School of Business, <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10551-011-0915-9">identified seven strategies</a> that make public apologies effective. I believe three of them – revelation, responsibility and recognition – are the most significant because they overlap with those identified by prominent scholars in other fields, including <a href="https://docs.google.com/a/umn.edu/viewer?a=v&pid=sites&srcid=dW1uLmVkdXxhbmRyZXdkY29oZW58Z3g6MTRlNmUzYWUxMGJmZjMxZg">linguists Andrew Cohen and Elite Olshtain</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7vP01U8qr4">psychologist Robert Gordon</a>. </p>
<p>That is, an admission for the lapse using the words “I am sorry” or “I apologize,” ownership for the offense and empathy for those who have been hurt all contribute to an effective apology. But it’s not enough for an apology just to contain these three ingredients. It’s also about the exact wording used.</p>
<p>In my analysis of infamous public apologies that celebrities, CEOs and political figures have delivered over the past two years, I was looking for how they fared according to Boyd’s standards of revelation, responsibility and recognition. I also closely examined the language of each apology, applying many insights from linguist Edwin Battistella’s book “<a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/sorry-about-that-9780199300914?cc=us&lang=en&">Sorry About That: The Language of Public Apology</a>.”</p>
<h2>1. ‘I am sorry’</h2>
<p>This may seem obvious but sadly isn’t: Any respectable apology must include an actual apology with a specific acknowledgment of what was done. Surprisingly, some people attempting to own up to something never get around to actually apologizing. </p>
<p>Comedian Louis C.K., for example, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/10/arts/television/louis-ck-statement.html">never actually used words</a> like “apologize” or “sorry” after <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/09/arts/television/louis-ck-sexual-misconduct.html?module=inline">being accused of sexual misconduct</a> by several women. He called the stories “true” and said he was “remorseful” but dodged the actual apology. </p>
<p>Others try to apologize in a general way to avoid being pinned down to a specific transgression, weakening the impact. Or they may admit to a lesser offense. A case in point is <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2017/12/28/apple-apologizes-for-not-being-clearer-about-slowing-down-iphones-with-older-batteries/">Apple’s non-apology apology</a> in December 2017 over the performance of iPhone batteries.</p>
<p>“We’ve been hearing feedback from our customers about the way we handle performance for iPhones with older batteries and how we have communicated that process,” the company said. “We know that some of you feel Apple has let you down. We apologize.”</p>
<p>Was Apple apologizing for the poor-performing batteries, its communication process or the feelings of its customers? Distancing the actual apology from the transgressions is a common tactic in corporate apologies, used in recent years both by <a href="https://community.withairbnb.com/t5/Hosting/Discrimination-and-Belonging/td-p/191832">Airbnb</a> and <a href="https://www.bizjournals.com/portland/news/2018/04/16/uber-tries-to-make-nice-with-the-city-of-portland.html">Uber</a> as well.</p>
<h2>2. ‘I did it’</h2>
<p>Any well-crafted apology must claim responsibility for the transgression – not attribute one’s actions to happenstance or external factors.</p>
<p>Amid the Cambridge Analytica scandal, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6DOhioBfyY">Facebook</a> CEO Mark Zuckerberg used the passive voice to distance himself from any wrongdoing: “I’m really sorry that this happened,” he said in an interview to CNN.</p>
<p>That wasn’t the first time he used the passive voice this way. In an earlier <a href="https://www.reuters.com/article/us-facebook-zuckerberg/zuckerberg-seeks-forgiveness-for-division-caused-by-his-work-idUSKCN1C61XY">apology issued in 2017</a> after Facebook was criticized for Russia’s meddling in the 2016 election, he said, “For the ways my work was used to divide people rather than bring us together, I ask forgiveness and I will work to do better.” </p>
<p>The choice of the passive suggests that he has little control over the ways his work was used by others.</p>
<p><a href="https://twitter.com/charlierose/status/932747035069034496">Another example</a> is Charlie Rose, a television journalist <a href="https://www.adweek.com/tvnewser/cbs-fired-charlie-rose-one-year-ago-today/385128">fired by CBS</a> following accusations of sexual misconduct. He issued an apology in the following manner: “I have learned a great deal as a result of these events, and I hope others will too. All of us, including me, are coming to a newer and deeper recognition of the pain caused by conduct in the past, and have come to a profound new respect for women and their lives.”</p>
<p>By including himself as one of several people and embedding his actions as part of a broader group’s actions, he minimized responsibility for his own transgressions.</p>
<p>Others simply try to deflect attention from the transgression as part of an apology, as actor <a href="https://twitter.com/KevinSpacey/status/924848412842971136">Kevin Spacey</a> did when he announced his sexual orientation instead of apologizing over accusations he sexually assaulted a massage therapist, or like disgraced media mogul Harvey Weinstein’s <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/10/05/us/statement-from-harvey-weinstein.html?mtrref=www.wmagazine.com">vow to direct his anger to the National Rifle Association</a> when he was accused of sexual misconduct.</p>
<p>In contrast, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson in April 2018 gave an <a href="https://news.starbucks.com/views/a-follow-up-message-from-starbucks-ceo-in-philadelphia">example of an apology</a> that takes real ownership after two African American men were arrested while waiting for a friend at one of his stores: “These two gentlemen did not deserve what happened, and we are accountable. I am accountable.”</p>
<h2>3. ‘I feel your pain’</h2>
<p>Finally, apologies should meet the standard of recognition: expressing empathy to those who have been hurt.</p>
<p>Many so-called apologies fail to acknowledge victims’ feelings, focusing instead on justifications or excuses. For example, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/13/entertainment/henry-cavill-me-too-apology/index.html">actor Henry Cavill apologized</a> for his controversial statements about the #MeToo movement by saying he’s sorry for “any confusion and misunderstanding that” his comments created. In doing so, he insinuated that there was no transgressor or victim, as more than one party is typically to blame for a misunderstanding.</p>
<p>Expressions of empathy are further weakened anytime a word such as “may” is used to cast doubt on whether the transgression had a negative impact on others. In <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/russell-simmons-pens-response-sexual-assault-allegations-1061061">an apology issued</a> by the record producer Russell Simmons for sexual misconduct, his use of “may” ultimately suggests that women may or may not have been offended by his actions: “For any women from my past who I may have offended, I sincerely apologize. I am still evolving.”</p>
<p>Furthermore, those last four words show that he’s focusing on his own growth, rather than the pain of his victims.</p>
<p>So if you’re finding it difficult to parse the multitude of public apologies, look closely for these three ingredients, along with the language each uses. </p>
<p><em>This is an updated version of an <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-say-im-sorry-whether-youve-appeared-in-a-racist-photo-harassed-women-or-just-plain-screwed-up-107678">article originally published</a> on Feb. 8, 2019.</em></p>
<p>[ <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=expertise">Expertise in your inbox. Sign up for The Conversation’s newsletter and get a digest of academic takes on today’s news, every day.</a></em> ]</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/123971/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Lisa Leopold does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The Canadian prime minister is the latest public figure struggling to apologize for past misbehavior. A language scholar explains how to do it right.Lisa Leopold, Associate Professor of English Language Studies, The Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey, MiddleburyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1076782019-02-08T19:49:57Z2019-02-08T19:49:57ZHow to say ‘I’m sorry,’ whether you’ve appeared in a racist photo, harassed women or just plain screwed up<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>These two words may seem simple, but the ability to express them when you’re in the wrong is anything but – particularly for those in the public eye. </p>
<p>Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam, to name a recent example, <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ralph-northam-response-racist-yearbook-photo_us_5c54bca6e4b0871047536bed">was forced to apologize</a> after his 1984 medical school yearbook page resurfaced showing two unnamed men, one with blackface and another wearing the Ku Klux Klan’s white hood and robe. That he seriously botched his effort to apologize is arguably one of the reasons <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/md-politics/md-gov-hogan-calls-on-virginias-northam-to-resign/2019/02/06/056e6d78-2a41-11e9-984d-9b8fba003e81_story.html">many people</a> are still <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2019/02/01/politics/democrats-call-on-northam-to-resign/index.html">calling on him</a> to resign. </p>
<p>As a <a href="https://www.middlebury.edu/institute/people/lisa-leopold">language scholar</a>, I wanted to get to the bottom of just what makes an apology effective by analyzing dozens of mea culpas. While some offered authentic apologies, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/10/05/us/statement-from-harvey-weinstein.html?mtrref=www.wmagazine.com">many more seemed defensive</a>, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/31/us/southwest-airlines-lindsay-gottlieb-biracial-baby-trnd/index.html">insincere</a> or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6DOhioBfyY">forced</a>.</p>
<p>With the help of insights from <a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/sorry-about-that-9780199300914?cc=us&lang=en&">linguists</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7vP01U8qr4">psychologists</a> and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10551-011-0915-9">business ethicists</a> who study apologies, I found that there are three main elements each needs to have to be effective.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/257115/original/file-20190204-193226-1o4ofl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/257115/original/file-20190204-193226-1o4ofl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/257115/original/file-20190204-193226-1o4ofl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/257115/original/file-20190204-193226-1o4ofl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/257115/original/file-20190204-193226-1o4ofl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=489&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/257115/original/file-20190204-193226-1o4ofl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=489&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/257115/original/file-20190204-193226-1o4ofl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=489&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Demonstrators call for Northam’s resignation.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Governor-Klan-Blackface/6ceb35ad4abf48e88eddbc6986c65e97/15/0">AP Photo/Steve Helber</a></span>
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<h2>Not all apologies are equal</h2>
<p>Much is at stake with a public apology.</p>
<p>When done right, it can rebuild trust and <a href="https://ac.els-cdn.com/S0378216608003007/1-s2.0-S0378216608003007-main.pdf?_tid=65a4d09e-c6be-4eeb-a055-c41490e57dea&acdnat=1549406972_fcd23b7de5022a7f8239b687c7ee5a9d">restore a damaged reputation</a>. However, a poorly crafted apology can lead to widespread criticism and further damage credibility. <a href="https://hbr.org/2015/08/research-for-a-corporate-apology-to-work-the-ceo-should-look-sad">Research shows</a> that the <a href="https://on.ft.com/2DmdS1n">way a company crafts an apology</a> can even affect its future financial performance and that leaders who apologize <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/225822507_Apologies_and_Transformational_Leadership">tend to be viewed more favorably</a> than those who don’t.</p>
<p>In “<a href="https://www.moodypublishers.com/books/marriage-and-family/when-sorry-isnt-enough/">When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love</a>,” Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas cite a survey of what people preferred most in an apology. It found that almost four-fifths wanted their would-be penitent to either express regret or accept responsibility, as opposed to make restitution, repent or seek forgiveness. </p>
<p>In 2011, David Boyd, now dean emeritus at Northeastern University’s D’Amore-McKim School of Business, <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10551-011-0915-9">identified seven strategies</a> that make public apologies effective. I believe three of them – revelation, responsibility and recognition – are the most significant because they overlap with those identified by prominent scholars in other fields, including <a href="https://docs.google.com/a/umn.edu/viewer?a=v&pid=sites&srcid=dW1uLmVkdXxhbmRyZXdkY29oZW58Z3g6MTRlNmUzYWUxMGJmZjMxZg">linguists Andrew Cohen and Elite Olshtain</a> and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7vP01U8qr4">psychologist Robert Gordon</a>. </p>
<p>That is, an admission for the lapse using the words “I am sorry” or “I apologize,” ownership for the offense and empathy for those who have been hurt all contribute to an effective apology. But it’s not enough for an apology just to contain these three ingredients. It’s also about the exact wording used.</p>
<p>In my analysis of infamous public apologies that celebrities, CEOs and political figures have delivered over the past two years, I was looking for how they fared according to Boyd’s standards of revelation, responsibility and recognition. I also closely examined the language of each apology, applying many insights from linguist Edwin Battistella’s book “<a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/sorry-about-that-9780199300914?cc=us&lang=en&">Sorry About That: The Language of Public Apology</a>.”</p>
<h2>1. ‘I am sorry’</h2>
<p>This may seem obvious but sadly isn’t: Any respectable apology must include an actual apology with a specific acknowledgment of what was done. Surprisingly, some people attempting to own up to something never get around to actually apologizing. </p>
<p>Comedian Louis C.K., for example, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/10/arts/television/louis-ck-statement.html">never actually used words</a> like “apologize” or “sorry” after <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/09/arts/television/louis-ck-sexual-misconduct.html?module=inline">being accused of sexual misconduct</a> by several women. He called the stories “true” and said he was “remorseful” but dodged the actual apology. </p>
<p>Others try to apologize in a general way to avoid being pinned down to a specific transgression, weakening the impact. Or they may admit to a lesser offense. A case in point is <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2017/12/28/apple-apologizes-for-not-being-clearer-about-slowing-down-iphones-with-older-batteries/">Apple’s non-apology apology</a> in December 2017 over the performance of iPhone batteries.</p>
<p>“We’ve been hearing feedback from our customers about the way we handle performance for iPhones with older batteries and how we have communicated that process,” the company said. “We know that some of you feel Apple has let you down. We apologize.”</p>
<p>Was Apple apologizing for the poor-performing batteries, its communication process or the feelings of its customers? Distancing the actual apology from the transgressions is a common tactic in corporate apologies, used in recent years both by <a href="https://community.withairbnb.com/t5/Hosting/Discrimination-and-Belonging/td-p/191832">Airbnb</a> and <a href="https://www.bizjournals.com/portland/news/2018/04/16/uber-tries-to-make-nice-with-the-city-of-portland.html">Uber</a> as well.</p>
<h2>2. ‘I did it’</h2>
<p>Any well-crafted apology must claim responsibility for the transgression – not attribute one’s actions to happenstance or external factors.</p>
<p>Amid the Cambridge Analytica scandal, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6DOhioBfyY">Facebook</a> CEO Mark Zuckerberg used the passive voice to distance himself from any wrongdoing: “I’m really sorry that this happened,” he said in an interview to CNN.</p>
<p>That wasn’t the first time he used the passive voice this way. In an earlier <a href="https://www.reuters.com/article/us-facebook-zuckerberg/zuckerberg-seeks-forgiveness-for-division-caused-by-his-work-idUSKCN1C61XY">apology issued in 2017</a> after Facebook was criticized for Russia’s meddling in the 2016 election, he said, “For the ways my work was used to divide people rather than bring us together, I ask forgiveness and I will work to do better.” </p>
<p>The choice of the passive suggests that he has little control over the ways his work was used by others.</p>
<p><a href="https://twitter.com/charlierose/status/932747035069034496">Another example</a> is Charlie Rose, a television journalist <a href="https://www.adweek.com/tvnewser/cbs-fired-charlie-rose-one-year-ago-today/385128">fired by CBS</a> following accusations of sexual misconduct. He issued an apology in the following manner: “I have learned a great deal as a result of these events, and I hope others will too. All of us, including me, are coming to a newer and deeper recognition of the pain caused by conduct in the past, and have come to a profound new respect for women and their lives.”</p>
<p>By including himself as one of several people and embedding his actions as part of a broader group’s actions, he minimized responsibility for his own transgressions.</p>
<p>Others simply try to deflect attention from the transgression as part of an apology, as actor <a href="https://twitter.com/KevinSpacey/status/924848412842971136">Kevin Spacey</a> did when he announced his sexual orientation or like disgraced media mogul Harvey Weinstein’s <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/10/05/us/statement-from-harvey-weinstein.html?mtrref=www.wmagazine.com">vow to direct his anger to the National Rifle Association</a>.</p>
<p>In contrast, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson in April 2018 gave an <a href="https://news.starbucks.com/views/a-follow-up-message-from-starbucks-ceo-in-philadelphia">example of an apology</a> that takes real ownership after two African-American men were arrested while waiting for a friend at one of his stores: “These two gentlemen did not deserve what happened, and we are accountable. I am accountable.”</p>
<h2>3. ‘I feel your pain’</h2>
<p>Finally, apologies should meet the standard of recognition: expressing empathy to those who have been hurt.</p>
<p>Many so-called apologies fail to acknowledge victims’ feelings, focusing instead on justifications or excuses. For example, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/13/entertainment/henry-cavill-me-too-apology/index.html">actor Henry Cavill apologized</a> for his controversial statements about the #MeToo movement by saying he’s sorry for “any confusion and misunderstanding that” his comments created. In doing so, he insinuated that there was no transgressor or victim, as more than one party is typically to blame for a misunderstanding.</p>
<p>Expressions of empathy are further weakened anytime a modal such as “may” is used to cast doubt on whether the transgression had a negative impact on others. In <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/russell-simmons-pens-response-sexual-assault-allegations-1061061">an apology issued</a> by the record producer Russell Simmons for sexual misconduct, his use of “may” ultimately suggests that women may or may not have been offended by his actions: “For any women from my past who I may have offended, I sincerely apologize. I am still evolving.”</p>
<p>Furthermore, those last four words show that he’s focusing on his own growth, rather than the pain of his victims.</p>
<h2>Failing to apologize</h2>
<p>Returning to Northam, his apology failed to live up to all three strategies. </p>
<p>After initially accepting that one of the men was him, he quickly reversed himself, expressing contrition while distancing himself from the racist photo. And then his apology included the vague wording “for the decision I made to appear as I did,” which hardly constitutes a worthy admission of wrongdoing. </p>
<p>Referring to his actions as “this” rather than “my” minimizes ownership. And rather than accepting responsibility, <a href="https://www.13newsnow.com/article/news/local/mycity/norfolk/democrat-virginia-gov-ralph-northam-will-not-resign-northam-says-it-wasnt-him-in-photo/291-149fb35a-dc3b-4241-9211-e1721ba756dd">he pleads with the public</a> not to let his past behavior shape how they see him.</p>
<p>So if you’re finding it difficult to parse the multitude of public apologies in the mainstream media, look closely for these three ingredients, along with the language each uses.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/107678/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Lisa Leopold does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Trying to figure out if Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam or other would-be penitents are sincere? A scholar who analyzed dozens of recent apologies offers a user’s guide.Lisa Leopold, Associate Professor of English Language Studies, The Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey, MiddleburyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/947362018-04-11T01:29:06Z2018-04-11T01:29:06ZMark Zuckerberg’s Facebook apology is the linguistic equivalent of ‘shit happens’<p>A corporate apology echoes the words we are so familiar with from our everyday lives – but it is a distinct beast. It happens under the glare of media and is issued by an office holder in a complex management structure, to a mass and impersonalised audience. </p>
<p>And its contents may be subject to legal proceedings. It may also be couched in words which create the veneer of an apology without a detailed admission of guilt. </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/why-the-business-model-of-social-media-giants-like-facebook-is-incompatible-with-human-rights-94016">Why the business model of social media giants like Facebook is incompatible with human rights</a>
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<p>This week, two high profile CEOs have issued public apologies on behalf of their corporations. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-switch/wp/2018/04/10/transcript-of-mark-zuckerbergs-senate-hearing/?utm_term=.630cbe748f9d">apologised at a US Congress hearing</a> for failing to protect the personal data of millions of users in the Cambridge Analytica scandal.</p>
<p>The Commonwealth Bank of Australia’s newly ascended CEO, Matt Comyn, started his first day in the job with <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-04-09/cba-commonwealth-bank-new-boss-sorry-for-past-failures-on-day-1/9633300">an internal email</a> apologising to the bank’s employees, and taking responsibility for the bank’s “mistakes”. </p>
<p>Meaning is a complex process, and not at the beck and call of individuals. It depends not only on what we say, but what we don’t say, and what we do or don’t do.</p>
<p>It also depends on who we are in the scheme of things. Corporate CEOs are required by law to act in the best interests of shareholders. </p>
<p>So a corporate apology is always connected to the benefits it brings to the company. It is not a personal apology, it is a form of institutional positioning.</p>
<h2>Say it like you mean it</h2>
<p><a href="https://www-sciencedirect-com.simsrad.net.ocs.mq.edu.au/science/article/pii/S0749597815000540?via%3Dihub">One small study of corporate apologies</a> focused on the relationship of facial expressions used during an apology to reactions from share markets. Using a sample of 29 corporate apologies, two researchers carefully analysed the minute muscle movements of the apologisers. </p>
<p>Apologies accompanied by the display of positive or neutral emotion were associated with decreased investor confidence as (expressed by negative stock market returns). The effects persisted up to three months after the apology. </p>
<p>This research provides some tips for corporate CEOs - make sure your emotional display shows sufficient remorse for your actions. Otherwise you and your company may have a price to pay.</p>
<p>So how about the Zuckerberg and Comyn apologies? Cleverly, both frame their statements in terms of a lack of action. Zuckerberg said “But it’s clear now that we didn’t do enough”, while CBA’s Matt Comyn told his employees “We have not done enough to protect our customers”. </p>
<p>But like that glass that can be either half-full or half-empty, this is just a linguistic trick. Facebook’s cover-up of the theft of data by Cambridge Analytics can be either construed as a failure to act, or as a form of action. Ditto for the CBA.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/does-mark-zuckerberg-have-too-much-power-at-the-helm-of-facebook-94003">Does Mark Zuckerberg have too much power at the helm of Facebook?</a>
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<p>Construing your failure as a lack of action affords an important rhetorical benefit: it means you don’t have to lay bare the details of what you have done. It allows you to apologise in vague and general terms, protecting yourself and your shareholders from the brutal details of your company’s transgressions. </p>
<p>So engaging in money laundering or funding terrorist organisations can just be “mistakes we made”. Generic apologies lack an essential part of the definition of an apology, the frank acknowledgement of the offence. </p>
<p>And upping the ante with more statements about taking responsibility, as Zuckerberg has just done before Congress doesn’t fill this gap:</p>
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<p>…I’m sorry. I started Facebook, I run it, and I’m responsible for what happens here. </p>
</blockquote>
<p>In fact, Zuckerberg is using a lovely linguistic trick, a grammatical option called “middle voice” which you shouldn’t fall for. In the grammar of middle voice, an event is construed as if it happens under its own steam. No-one has responsibility for it taking place.</p>
<p>Hypothetically, imagine he said “I’m responsible because I didn’t disclose the company’s complicity in the theft of people’s private data”. This is a frank acknowledgement. </p>
<p>But instead, Zuckerberg says he’s responsible for “what happens”. But “what happens”, like the expression “shit happens”, makes it seem like things happened without anyone, like Zuckerberg, actually doing anything.</p>
<h2>What follows an apology</h2>
<p>Zuckerberg’s apology, <a href="https://www.wired.com/story/why-zuckerberg-15-year-apology-tour-hasnt-fixed-facebook/">one of many he’s made</a>, has more in common with the ancient Greek word <em>apologia</em> from which our word apology descends. An <em>apologia</em> was a speech in defence of one’s actions. </p>
<p>Zuckerberg is busy trying to rescue Facebook’s reputation by announcing actions the company will now take. </p>
<p>But his apology already has a stench about it. <a href="https://newsroom.fb.com/news/2018/04/new-elections-initiative/">Zuckerberg is commissioning</a> “independent research” on the role of social media in elections, as well as democracy more generally. The team to oversee the research includes a number of billionaires’ foundations, including the Charles Koch foundation. <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/inside-the-koch-brothers-toxic-empire-20140924">The Koch brothers</a> have their own reputations for interfering in US elections.</p>
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<p>Zuckerberg has put the fox in charge of the social media henhouse, hardly the action of someone truly contrite. Meanwhile, Comyn’s apology was quickly overshadowed <a href="http://www.afr.com/business/banking-and-finance/financial-services/austrac-steals-comyns-thunder-20180409-h0yj5p?logout=true">by an AUSTRAC allegation</a> that the company knowingly dealt with customers it suspected of money laundering.</p>
<p>Saying sorry is not so hard, but meaning it is another story altogether.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/94736/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Annabelle Lukin does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>A corporate apology is always connected to the benefits it brings to the company. It is not a personal apology, it is a form of institutional positioning.Annabelle Lukin, Associate Professor in Linguistics, Macquarie UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/732982017-02-21T11:47:01Z2017-02-21T11:47:01ZThe science of saying sorry<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/157517/original/image-20170220-15894-1q9i7cq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">'But it wasn't my fault.'</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/young-black-indignant-male-gesticulating-arguing-442888930?src=download_history">WAYHOME studio/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>There is almost always a cringeworthy public apology to watch. Most recently, it was YouTube star PewDiePie, who had to apologise <a href="http://www.theverge.com/2017/2/16/14637934/pewdiepie-apology-nazi-jokes-blames-media">for alleged anti-semitic content</a> in his video posts. In the same week, the London Dungeon issued a public apology <a href="http://www.thedebrief.co.uk/news/opinion/why-the-london-dungeons-valentines-day-campaign-apology-isnt-good-enough-20170266564">over an abhorrant Valentine’s Day promotion</a>, joking about violence against prostitutes among other things. </p>
<p>To err is human, that much we know. But if you are going to apologise, you’ve got to do it right. Thanks to social science research there is now sound, evidence-based advice on how best to deliver a successful apology – whether you’re famous or not. </p>
<p>But let’s start with celebrities. A <a href="spq.sagepub.com/content/77/2/123.short">recent study</a> analysed 183 apologies from famous individuals issued through the media. Statements that included elements of denial (not my fault) and evasion (it was complicated) did not wash well with the public according to results of opinion polls conducted at the time. On the other hand apologies containing elements of corrective action (I’ll never do it again) and mortification (I am ashamed of myself) received a more favourable reception.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/157502/original/image-20170220-15900-sgfuy8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/157502/original/image-20170220-15900-sgfuy8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157502/original/image-20170220-15900-sgfuy8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157502/original/image-20170220-15900-sgfuy8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157502/original/image-20170220-15900-sgfuy8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157502/original/image-20170220-15900-sgfuy8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157502/original/image-20170220-15900-sgfuy8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Youtube star PewDiePie has had to apologise.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">wikipedia</span></span>
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<p>In the wake of the <a href="https://theconversation.com/slut-shaming-and-the-case-of-monica-lewinsky-42870">Monica Lewinsky scandal</a>, President Bill Clinton’s admission of “personal failure” and “regret” garnered support in public polls despite mass calls for his impeachment. However, when Trump was caught <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/oct/07/donald-trump-leaked-recording-women">bragging about groping women on camera</a> recently, he initially made an <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/donald-trump-caught-saying-grabs-9002548">evasive</a> and halfhearted apology: “This was locker room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago … I apologise if anyone was offended.” However, he was soon forced to escalate this with a statement acknowledging and taking responsibility for the transgression: “I said it. I am wrong. I apologise.” </p>
<h2>The perfect apology</h2>
<p>Still, the drawback in studying celebrity apologies is the difficulty in gauging how the popularity of the person in question might have influenced the public reaction. A German study instead looked at <a href="link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2fs11002-012-9218-x">how people rated apologies for bad service at a restaurant</a>. Volunteers watched a film of a couple visiting a hotel restaurant. As the meal unfolded it became apparent that this particular establishment was more Fawlty Towers than Claridge’s. The service was slow and the food was badly cooked.</p>
<p>Different versions of the film showed the waitress returning and apologising but with subtle alterations in how she expressed it. The apology was sometimes more and sometimes less intense (“I’m really sorry”, as opposed to “I’m sorry”), more or less empathic (adding or leaving out “I feel very uncomfortable about it”) and more or less timely (apologising the moment the problem occurred rather than at the end of the meal). In some instances there was no apology at all. Customer satisfaction was higher following an apology that was intense, empathic and timely. Where an apology was lackadaisical, unsympathetic or late, customer satisfaction remained low. In fact, customers were equally unimpressed with weak efforts at apology as with no apology at all.</p>
<p>It’s clear that when it comes to apologising it’s not what you do but the way that you do it that matters. Apologies that proffer regret, promise corrective action and are delivered early, with intensity and genuine sympathy can make amends for many things. </p>
<p>So when PewDiePie’s apology switched tack from attrition to <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2017/02/16/an-attack-by-the-media-pewdiepie-apologizes-for-nazi-jokes-but-says-the-press-is-out-to-get-him/?utm_term=.95a819c7d6d4">attacking the Washington Post</a> for being “out to get him”, it began to fall short in many people’s eyes (<a href="http://www.theverge.com/2017/2/16/14637934/pewdiepie-apology-nazi-jokes-blames-media">see these comments</a>).</p>
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<p>Similarly, when the London Dungeon <a href="https://twitter.com/dungeon_london/status/831855686980161536/photo/1">tweeted</a> after its offence that “we recognise that we’ve upset some people and for that we’re very sorry” this did not go anywhere near far enough. A follow-up statement apologising for “upsetting people” carried the implication in many people’s eyes that, in becoming “upset”, people were having an irrational response to what was, actually, a crass and poorly thought through campaign. Apologising by taking full responsibility would have come across as more emphatic than insinuating that people were irrational in their response. Clearly there is more work to be done if these entities are to restore reputations. </p>
<h2>Post-truth apology?</h2>
<p>But in line with the <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-surprising-origins-of-post-truth-and-how-it-was-spawned-by-the-liberal-left-68929">“post-truth” moment in history</a>, some further research suggests that apologists need not focus their efforts solely on things they have personally screwed up. </p>
<p>A <a href="http://www.hbs.edu/faculty/pages/item.aspx?num=45471">fascinating Harvard Business School study</a> from 2014 showed that apologising for things that aren’t your fault can also be an excellent means of garnering trust. This study entailed a researcher in a busy train station asking members of the public if he could borrow their mobile phone. It was a wet November day and on some occasions he began by saying: “I’m so sorry about the rain.” When the request began with such a superfluous apology – saying sorry for something that you have no personal control over – 47% of people approached handed over their phones compared with just 9% when asked outright without mentioning the inclement weather.</p>
<p>Being on the receiving end of a superfluous apology made many people trust a stranger enough to hand over an expensive personal item. Saying sorry about the rain acknowledges and expresses regret for the other person’s adverse perspective – being made uncomfortable by getting wet – even when the person speaking those words was in no way responsible for that adversity. </p>
<p>So perhaps the real lesson here is the extent to which humans are prepared to forgive each other. A well-judged, sincerely delivered apology can not only right wrongs and repair damaged relations, it can be the starting point for a new chapter, a new venture or partnership. Apologies are like Christmas presents – much better to give than to receive. Someone should tell President Trump – after all, he is spending most of his time <a href="nypost.com/2017/02/16/trump-demands-apology-from-failing-media-outlets/">pressuring others into saying sorry</a>.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/73298/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Richard Stephens is affiliated with The British Psychological Society. </span></em></p>Apologies that demonstrate regret, promise corrective action and are delivered early, with intensity and genuine sympathy, can make amends for many things.Richard Stephens, Senior Lecturer in Psychology, Keele UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/665252016-10-18T11:38:48Z2016-10-18T11:38:48ZShould a nation apologise for the crimes of its past?<p>The big political question facing the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge when they paid a state visit to Canada recently was whether they would be called on to apologise to First Nations peoples for the ravages of colonialism that have left their communities at such a bitter disadvantage.</p>
<p>As it turned out, Grand Chief Stewart Phillip of the Union of British Columbia Indian Chiefs <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/sep/26/canada-first-nations-prince-william-kate-middleton-british-columbia">declined to attend a reconciliation ceremony</a>, saying: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Reconciliation has to be more than empty symbolic gestures … the chiefs-in-assembly just didn’t feel that it was appropriate to feed into that public illusion that everything is okay.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Certainly, it is hard not to take a dim view of European colonialism, entailing – as it did – theft, racism, cultural destruction, slavery and sometimes genocide. Yet merely recognising the violations of colonialism does not automatically lead to the conclusion that the states that once practised it should now apologise for their historical misdeeds. </p>
<p>One of the most common arguments against apology is that <a href="https://www.crikey.com.au/2007/10/12/the-pm-and-aboriginal-australia-a-timeline/">offered by former Australian prime minister John Howard</a> when called upon to offer an apology to Aboriginal peoples for the wrongs visited upon them since British settlement. He maintained that today’s generation cannot and should not be held accountable for the behaviour of their predecessors. Indeed, from a liberal perspective, the idea of holding people responsible for the crimes of their ancestors <a href="http://www.cambridge.org/gb/academic/subjects/politics-international-relations/political-theory/sins-nation-and-ritual-apologies?format=HB&isbn=9780521516693#contentsTabAnchor">is deeply unsatisfactory</a>.</p>
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<p>A counter argument is that, while the current generation did not actually commit the crimes, many within it still reap the rewards of a world in which white Europeans and the descendents of white settlers remain disproportionately privileged in comparison to the peoples they once conquered. As such, the privileged among the current generation acquire guilt by virtue of the fact that their favourable position in the contemporary capitalist system <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/3811127?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">has its roots in empire</a>.</p>
<p>But there are problems with this argument. There’s little doubt that many accrued their contemporary privilege through empire – but this position lacks any nuance in distinguishing between the perpetrators, foot soldiers, onlookers, objectors and the current generation. Moreover, clearly many white Europeans also suffered in the colonial process, just as not all benefit from modern capitalism or 21st century overseas wars.</p>
<p>A potential solution to this for those that advocate apology is to acknowledge that the current generation did not do wrong, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2006/nov/26/race.immigrationpolicy">but their state did</a>. In this sense, political leaders, as representatives of the culpable entity, <a href="http://mss.sagepub.com/content/2/2/195.short">should apologise on behalf of the state and its citizens</a> for the state’s misdeeds. This only works when it was the state that committed the violations, rather than settlers or organisations acting independently of the state. It also assumes that the same state that perpetrated the crimes remains intact today. A problematic example here is Turkey <a href="https://theconversation.com/its-time-the-world-recognised-the-armenian-genocide-40576">being asked to apologise for the Armenian genocide</a> when the event occurred before the establishment of Turkey as a republic in 1923.</p>
<p>The issue of intergenerational injustice is further complicated by our multi-cultural, yet vastly unequal, societies. Can a French citizen of Algerian descent, for instance, apologise (or have a president apologise on their behalf) for France’s colonial atrocities in Algeria? What would it mean for an African-American president of the US to apologise for slavery? These examples create dizzying situations where one could be both recipient and giver of apology.</p>
<h2>Starting point</h2>
<p>A common criticism is that state apologies are merely gimmicks and that radical redress and reparations are needed – not empty gestures. There can be no doubt that politicians are prone to cheap gestures, but maybe apologies have the potential to be more than this. Perhaps they can be a starting point for the <a href="https://theconversation.com/caribbean-nations-in-payback-campaign-for-slave-trade-18705">serious discussions needed about material redress</a>. </p>
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<p>Apologies by states are frequently associated with demands for reparations. When US president Ronald Reagan <a href="http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/08/09/210138278/japanese-internment-redress">apologised to Japanese Americans interned in the context of World War II</a>, each surviving victim received $20,000 in compensation. Equally, German contrition for the Holocaust has been <a href="http://www.spiegel.de/international/germany/germany-to-pay-772-million-euros-in-reparations-to-holocaust-survivors-a-902528.html">linked with reparations to Israel</a>. But when it comes to the matter of colonialism, leaders have been keen to decouple the issue of contrition and reparations. </p>
<p>After a lengthy legal campaign, in 2013 the UK government eventually <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jun/05/kenyan-mau-mau-payout-uk-regret-abuse">offered “sincere regret” and £2,600 each</a> to around 5,000 people imprisoned and tortured during the Mau Mau rebellion in the 1950s. The British government is currently resisting further legal claims by 44,000 Kenyans who <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/may/23/mau-mau-rebellion-kenyan-victims-compensation-claim">allege appalling mistreatment by British authorities</a> in the same context. </p>
<p>Germany has been prepared to acknowledge the Herero genocide in former German south-west Africa, but at each stage German officials have <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/07/14/germany-to-recognise-herero-genocide-and-apologise-to-namibia/">ruled out reparations</a>. It seems that political leaders of formerly colonising states are concerned about both the tricky task of facing the violent past in terms of their state’s current self-image and the potential opening of a Pandora’s box when it comes to reparations.</p>
<h2>Apologies as stories</h2>
<p>Apologies, above all else, are stories about the past, what happened and why it happened. With many in Europe still clinging to populist notions of their nation’s idyllic past and the present danger of outsiders – often from previously colonised territories – apologies could act as a way to challenge such misconceptions. Equally, state apologies, at their best, don’t happen in vacuums – they can be reinforced with further measures aimed at reconciliation, such as more reflective school curricula and textbooks, museums and public monuments. In short, perhaps apologies can be welcome starting positions for more introspection about both the past and the present.</p>
<p>But it’s not just the stories articulated that are important. There is the equally significant issue of who tells the story and whose voice is heard. One of the many tragedies of colonialism is that not only did it pillage, it also curtailed voice. It denied the history of the invaded and imposed a white, eurocentric narrative. </p>
<p>A quandary regarding apologies is the danger that their very format reproduces the same problem – again giving the microphone to the Western politician. Yes, the politician offers a suitably regretful demeanour, but it is an opportunity to be statesmanlike and magnanimous – and, crucially, to speak and be heard. In other words, the Western politician is yet again given an elevated platform to tell stories about events that happened to other people.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/66525/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Tom Bentley is author of Empires of Remorse: Narrative, Postcolonialism and Apologies for Colonial Atrocity. On November 9 he is holding a debate on whether states should apologise for their colonial past at the The Economic & Social Research Council (ESRC) Festival of Social Science.</span></em></p>Why saying sorry should be just a starting point.Tom Bentley, Teaching Fellow in the department of Politics and International Relations, University of AberdeenLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/581992016-07-08T01:43:08Z2016-07-08T01:43:08ZShould parents ask their children to apologize?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129715/original/image-20160707-30693-1qci95z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Apologies can help improve the feelings of someone hurt.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/halfchinese/139499559/in/photolist-djYmP-5qVmST-53nyk4-9oav6k-8fszc9-8W22Sf-8JbMBA-4TQDbK-9A1pK-hztRy-6MHoUL-7cj97j-2ikizn-qS1bg-dS6Xo8-78g5eB-i9Qqw-dpoQY-6ARGrV-8CtkkV-aNtitH-34cyar-6AMyjF-9usPJ6-q1SP-5345fK-Evgt66-dLFXg-bjQTqy-8SrZL4-BMoGj-bJcpg-rTh7wj-aCMDfb-6yVWRb-9v1Dxh-boHvxA-9tLmP-ocRTK6-qVbyLU-8Q2g9U-efu5CX-65QojA-48wym-6aM7rY-4DHAuN-sZdt3w-a1upRU-d6cAKb-4LziQy">Andrew Yee</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Have you ever felt deserving of an apology and been upset when you didn’t get one? Have you ever found it hard to deliver the words, <em>I’m sorry</em>? </p>
<p>Such experiences show how much apologies matter. The importance placed on apologies is shared by many cultures. Diverse cultures even share a great deal in common when it comes to how apologies are communicated.</p>
<p>When adults feel wronged, apologies have been shown to help in a variety of ways:
Apologies can <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1989-17924-001">reduce retaliation</a>; they can bring about <a href="http://www.psy.miami.edu/faculty/mmccullough/Papers/Interpers%20Forgiving_II.pdf">forgiveness</a> and empathy for wrongdoers; and they can aid in the <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2004-10572-008">repair of broken trust</a>. Further, sincere apologies have the physiological effect of <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10865-006-9062-7">lowering blood pressure more quickly</a>, especially among those who are prone to hold on to anger.</p>
<p>How do children view and experience apologies? And what do parents think about when to prompt their young ones to apologize?</p>
<h2>How children understand apologies</h2>
<p>Research shows that children as young as age four <a href="http://sites.lsa.umich.edu/craigsmith/wp-content/uploads/sites/180/2014/10/smith_chen_harris_2010.pdf">grasp the emotional implications</a> of apology. They understand, for example, that an apology can improve the feelings of someone who’s been upset. Preschoolers also judge apologizing wrongdoers to be <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1348/026151009X479475/abstract">more likable</a>, and <a href="http://www.eva.mpg.de/psycho/staff/carpenter/pdf/Vaish_et_al_2011_childrens_responses_to_guilt_displays.pdf">more desirable as partners for interaction and cooperation</a>.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=709&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=709&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=709&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=891&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=891&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=891&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Children as young as four understand the emotional meaning of an apology.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/funkyah/310572934/in/photolist-trLvL-8BQW3S-HWMWZY-e7MGgV-jF9d6d-ej83FX-4KXnD5-7AVGYZ-81qmKN-7j3p1L-p5pRjp-7UCGu-5Axiq4-dB6Gyh-dkP8cV-QrLgW-tEsAP-9RJVJ9-3UN759-5T6reM-hs5tWT-3M1Xq-4ry9bg-dzXGsu-4KXnBb-3cmqiR-KyKQv-hAsNxS-6ydwzx-o16EEM-nQM9mU-9aX3Bg-6ghgCx-n1HZSC-eMfnrb-fv4q6H-7Rm1Yp-73vAmP-5Mvu6s-3bLiRf-bVqDQm-6TCWcv-5cPtNV-8UHSZB-Rewsz-swuwxS-5vDSaf-7qeFYE-bBUant-hAtkB3">Funkyah</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
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</figure>
<p>Recent studies have tested the actual impact of apologies on children. In one such study, a group of four- to seven-year-olds received an apology from a child who failed to share, while another group did not get an apology. The participants who received the apology <a href="http://sites.lsa.umich.edu/craigsmith/wp-content/uploads/sites/180/2014/10/smith_harris_2011.pdf">felt better and viewed</a> the offending child as nicer as well as more remorseful.</p>
<p>Another study exposed children to a more distressing event: A person knocked over a tower that six- to seven-year-olds were building. Some children got an apology, some did not. In this case, a spontaneous apology did not improve children’s upset feelings. However, the apology still had an impact. Children who got an apology were willing to <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/sode.12168/abstract">share more</a> of their attractive stickers with the person who knocked over the tower compared to those who did not get an apology.</p>
<p>This finding suggests that an apology led to forgiveness in children, even if sadness about the incident understandably lingered. Notably, children <em>did</em> feel better when the other person offered to help rebuild their toppled towers. In other words, for children, both remorseful words and restorative actions make a difference.</p>
<h2>When does a child’s apology matter to parents?</h2>
<p>Although apologies carry meaning for children, views on whether parents should ask their children to apologize vary. A recent <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/we-shouldnt-make-young-children-say-sorry_b_9538472.html/">caution against apology prompting</a> was based on the mistaken notion that young children have limited social understanding. In fact, young children <a href="http://chgd.umich.edu/making-minds-how-theory-of-mind-developes-by-henry-m-wellman/">understand a great deal</a> about others’ viewpoints.</p>
<p>When and why parents prompt their children to apologize has not been systematically studied. In order to gain better insight into this question, I recently <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13229400.2016.1176588">conducted a study</a> with my colleagues <a href="http://www.education.umd.edu/HDQM/Killen-lab/people.php">Jee Young Noh and Michael Rizzo</a> at the University of Maryland and <a href="http://www.paul-lansley-harris.com/">Paul Harris</a> at Harvard University.</p>
<p>We surveyed 483 parents of three- to 10-year-old children. Most participants were mothers, but there was a sizable group of fathers as well. Parents were recruited via online parenting discussion groups and came from communities all around the U.S.. The discussion groups had a variety of orientations toward parenting. </p>
<p>In order to account for the possibility that parents might want to show themselves in the best light, we took a measure of <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/9781444316568.wiem02057/full">“social desirability bias”</a> from each parent. The results reported here emerged after we statistically corrected for the influence of this bias. </p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=309&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=309&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=309&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">A card from daughter to mother.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/eklektikos/289352627/">Todd Ehlers</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
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<p>We asked parents to imagine their children committing what they would consider to be “transgressions.” We then asked them how likely they would be to prompt an apology in each scenario. We also asked parents to rate how important they felt it was for their children to learn to apologize in a variety of situations. Finally, we asked the parents about their general approaches to parenting.</p>
<p>The large majority of parents (96 percent) felt that it was important for their children to learn to apologize following an incident in which children upset another person on purpose. Further, 88 percent felt it was important for their children to learn to apologize in the aftermath of upsetting someone by mistake.</p>
<p>Fewer than five percent of the parents surveyed endorsed the view that apologies are empty words. However, parents were sensitive to context. </p>
<p>Parents reported being especially likely to prompt apologies following their children’s intentional and accidental “moral transgressions.” Moral transgressions involve issues of welfare, justice, and rights, such as stealing from or hurting another person. </p>
<p>Parents viewed apologies as relatively less important following their children’s transgressions of social convention (e.g., breaking a rule in a game, interrupting a conversation).</p>
<h2>Apology as a way to mend rifts</h2>
<p>It’s noteworthy that parents were very likely to anticipate prompting apologies following incidents in which their children upset others on purpose <em>and</em> by mistake.</p>
<p>This suggests that a focus for many parents, when prompting apologies, is addressing the <em>outcomes</em> of their children’s social missteps. Our data suggest that parents use apology prompts to teach their children how to manage difficult social situations, regardless of underlying intentions. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Parents may prompt an apology to mend an interpersonal rift.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/cat.mhtml?lang=en&language=en&ref_site=photo&search_source=search_form&version=llv1&anyorall=all&safesearch=1&use_local_boost=1&autocomplete_id=&search_tracking_id=-lScFLusqrxhV4kRmsdcWg&searchterm=sorry%20child&show_color_wheel=1&orient=&commercial_ok=&media_type=images&search_cat=&searchtermx=&photographer_name=&people_gender=&people_age=&people_ethnicity=&people_number=&color=&page=1&inline=286254398">Girl image via www.shutterstock.com</a></span>
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<p>For example, 88 percent of parents indicated that they would typically prompt an apology if their child broke a peer’s toy by mistake (in the event that the child did not apologize spontaneously).</p>
<p>Indeed, parents especially anticipated prompting apologies following accidental mishaps that involved their children’s peers (and not parents themselves as the wronged parties). When a child’s peer is a victim, parents likely recognize that apologies can quickly mend potential interpersonal rifts that may otherwise linger.</p>
<p>We also asked parents why they viewed apology prompts as important for their children. In the case of moral transgressions, parents saw these prompts as tools for helping children take responsibility. In addition, they used apology prompts for promoting empathy, teaching about harm, helping others feel better and clearing up confusing situations. </p>
<p>However, not all parents viewed the importance of apology prompting in the same way. There was a subset of parents who were relatively <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/585170?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">permissive</a>: warm and caring but not overly inclined to provide discipline or expect mature behavior from their children.</p>
<p>Most of these parents were not wholly dismissive of the importance of apologies, but they consistently indicated being less likely to provide prompting to their children, compared to the other parents in the study.</p>
<h2>When to prompt an apology</h2>
<p>Overall, most parents in our study viewed apologies as important in the lives of children. And the child development research described above indicates that many children share this view.</p>
<p>But are there more and less effective ways to prompt a child to apologize? I argue that parents should consider whether a child will offer a prompted apology willingly and sincerely. A recently completed study sheds some light on why.</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=897&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=897&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=897&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1128&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1128&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1128&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">When should parents prompt an apology?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/konszvi/1385747452/in/photolist-37sjrs-6RLWve-771RiR-rNgtxq-bXnLqD-qZtP7-47LZyG-5CwBUK-e73s7g-5tKZ33-ahq7MN-REa5p-fUDF3V-ftqE1w-g791Ps-agwNgC-k2fv8-t1QSe-FsxKC6-8TJBua-ggm66V-83mVVT-8xqhEa-8TJBqn-5Z8LKt-afrtAs-4mRaRN-bN71Li-62CcMU-86he4a-HARj2-6j7NFT-e2WBmk-fHux9-9AZtJ9-5wFf1R-oTycGZ-zL1AS-7g7X59-dB9FFf-5irCdM-2NwAvo-oRC9Cu-2aRW9n-c4FFy-3JELrU-4gyZFW-g159iG-6mnb33-bnGefq">Zvi Kons</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/">CC BY-NC</a></span>
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<p>In this study – currently under review – we asked four- to nine-year-old children to evaluate two types of apologies that were prompted by an adult. One apology was willingly given to the victim after the apology prompt; the other apology was given only after additional adult coercion (<em>“You need to say you’re sorry!”</em>). </p>
<p>We found that 90 percent of the children viewed the recipient of the prompted, “willingly given” apology as feeling better. However, only 22 percent of the children connected a coerced apology to improved feelings in the victim.</p>
<p>So, as parents ponder the merits of prompting apologies from children, it seems important to refrain from pushing one’s child to apologize when he or she is not ready, or is simply not remorseful. Most young children don’t view coerced apologies as effective.</p>
<p>In such cases, interventions aimed at calming down, increasing empathy and making amends may be more constructive than pushing a resistant child to deliver an apology. And, of course, components like making amends can accompany willingly given apologies as well.</p>
<p>Finally, to arguments that apologies are merely <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/we-shouldnt-make-young-children-say-sorry_b_9538472.html">empty words that young children parrot</a>, it’s worth noting that we have many rituals that involve rather scripted verbal exchanges, such as when two people in love say “I do” at a wedding or commitment ceremony. </p>
<p>Just as these scripted words carry deep cultural and personal meaning, so too can other culturally valued verbal scripts, such the words in an apology. Thoughtfully teaching young children about apologizing is one aspect of teaching them how to be caring and well-regarded members of their communities.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/58199/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Craig Smith's work on the apology prompting study was supported, in part, via Award Number T32HD007109 from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health & Human Development.</span></em></p>Research shows that even four-year-olds feel better after an apology and view people who apologize as nicer than those who don’t.Craig Smith, Research Investigator, University of MichiganLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/530062016-01-12T10:29:11Z2016-01-12T10:29:11ZWhy do we say ‘sorry’ so much?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/107796/original/image-20160111-6972-3f36y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Time to apologise – but what for?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/dl2_lim.mhtml?src=aoA-tHCMI6NwmpXWP-i1Bg-1-96&clicksrc=download_btn_inline&id=262599767&size=medium_jpg&submit_jpg=">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3387841/Just-Not-Sorry-app-stop-women-saying-sorry-emails-Programme-weed-phrases-m-no-expert-just-think.html">Just Not Sorry</a> is a new app that aims to draw attention to the use of apologetic language and the excessive use of sorry. People, and especially women <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jan/09/is-new-email-tool-just-not-sorry-good-for-women-plug-in?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Gmail">it has been claimed</a>, need help to be more forthright and assertive in their emails. This raises the question: why do we say sorry? And is it necessarily a sign of weakness?</p>
<p>The word sorry goes right back to the earliest stages of the English language, as spoken by the <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/education/topics/zxsbcdm">Anglo-Saxons</a>. Tracing its history from Old English to the present day reveals an interesting development, in which there is a marked change from the expression of genuine heartfelt sorrow and remorse to regret for minor inconvenience. The key shift occurs in the 19th century and is accompanied by the change from “I am sorry” to plain “sorry”, thereby creating a distancing effect, taking us a further step away from the apology as a statement of personal distress to a more formulaic use. In his history of English Manners <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sorry-The-English-Their-Manners/dp/184854667X">Henry Hitchings</a> links this to the 19th-century association of politeness with detachment and aloofness, and the emergence of the concept of the “stiff upper lip”.</p>
<p>We still use <em>sorry</em> to express sincere distress or compassion – “I was sorry to hear of your loss”. But its meaning has now sufficiently weakened that to convey heartfelt regret requires intensifying adverbs: “I’m truly sorry”, “I’m extremely sorry”. The most recent quotation recorded in the <a href="http://www.oed.com">Oxford English Dictionary</a> encapsulates the problem over the use of <em>sorry</em> today: “‘Well, I’m sorry,’ she said, though she didn’t look sorry, or sound sorry.” You can say sorry, but you don’t necessarily mean it.</p>
<h2>Apologising: a social lubricant</h2>
<p>Despite its formulaic function, saying sorry is a valuable social lubricant in English-speaking societies. Imagine a scenario in which people are queuing to buy tickets at a train station. A person approaches the head of the queue and asks if he can jump in since he is otherwise in danger of missing his train. The most direct approach would be to simply express this desire as a command: “Let me go in front of you”. But this sounds unacceptably direct to most English speakers’ ears; more usually a speaker resorts to what linguists term <a href="http://grammar.about.com/od/pq/g/Politeness-Strategies.htm">“politeness strategies”</a>. </p>
<p>A positive politeness strategy couches a request by appealing to mutual respect, even friendship: “Hey, matey, how about letting me into the queue before you since I’m in a hurry”. Negative politeness strategies, primarily concerned with avoiding confrontation or imposition, operate by framing such requests as questions, and hedging them with mitigating devices such as <em>perhaps</em>, <em>possibly</em>, <em>please</em> and <em>sorry</em>. </p>
<p>Speakers draw on conditional verbs – <em>could/would</em> – and even frame the request in the past tense to add metaphorical distance: “I was wondering, could I possibly go in front of you?” Typically, a negative politeness strategy appeals to the person’s higher status, or greater claim: “I’m sorry to bother you. I know you’ve been standing here longer than me, but would you mind letting me into the queue in front of you?” </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/107858/original/image-20160111-6992-dwets2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/107858/original/image-20160111-6992-dwets2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/107858/original/image-20160111-6992-dwets2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/107858/original/image-20160111-6992-dwets2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/107858/original/image-20160111-6992-dwets2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/107858/original/image-20160111-6992-dwets2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/107858/original/image-20160111-6992-dwets2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Sorry, but you’re fired.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/downloading_tips.mhtml?code=&id=154670558&size=medium&image_format=jpg&method=download&super_url=http%3A%2F%2Fdownload.shutterstock.com%2Fgatekeeper%2FW3siZSI6MTQ1MjU3NjQ2NiwiYyI6Il9waG90b19zZXNzaW9uX2lkIiwiZGMiOiJpZGxfMTU0NjcwNTU4IiwiayI6InBob3RvLzE1NDY3MDU1OC9tZWRpdW0uanBnIiwibSI6IjEiLCJkIjoic2h1dHRlcnN0b2NrLW1lZGlhIn0sImpmQWM0QmUySVFiQkQzOVdkZzcvME0zRFpSZyJd%2Fshutterstock_154670558.jpg&racksite_id=ny&chosen_subscription=1&license=standard&src=DrmdwQxcNN2E_KwdgfRSeg-1-47">Shutterstock</a></span>
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<p>As well its crucial role in softening these confrontational interactions, <em>sorry</em> may be used where the speaker has nothing to apologise for. Perhaps most striking is the way that English speakers say sorry when a stranger bumps into them on a busy pavement. In an experiment in which she accidentally-on-purpose knocked into strangers in shopping centres, anthropologist <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Watching-English-Hidden-Rules-Behaviour/dp/0340818867">Kate Fox</a> found that around 80% of her victims responded by saying sorry, even though they were in no way at fault. </p>
<h2>A funny old word</h2>
<p>These findings show how <em>sorry</em> has come to be divorced from any sense of an admission of guilt, and can function purely as a means of defusing an awkward situation. This same use can be seen in the tendency to say sorry when complaining about poor service – “Sorry, but I ordered the fish” – and asserting one’s rights – “Sorry, but there’s someone sitting there”. </p>
<p>Fox also observes that cross-cultural and cross-linguistic experiments have shown that such uses of <em>sorry</em> are peculiarly English – rather than typical of all English speakers; the only nation with a similar culture of apologising is Japan. It is perhaps no surprise that statistics show that most English people say sorry <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2036719/Britons-say-sorry-8-times-day--233-000-times-lives.html">at least eight times per day</a>, and sometimes as many as 20 times.</p>
<p>The problem with an app designed to discourage the use of apologetic language is the assumption that saying sorry is always an act of contrition – one that undermines one’s case, or assumes an inferior position. Since saying sorry can be a valuable means of refusing a request: “Sorry, but I’m just too busy right now”; or enlisting someone’s support – “I’m sorry to bother you when I know you’re busy.” Removing this useful word runs the risk of making you appear plain rude. There are many business contexts in which an email to a customer or a boss requires apologetic language; to avoid such politeness strategies when explaining why a report is late, or asking for a pay rise, would be a risky policy indeed.</p>
<h2>Are women more sorry?</h2>
<p>To believe that the Just Not Sorry app is particularly suitable for women in the workplace is to buy into another debatable assumption: that women are more prone to apologising than men. Such claims are part of <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/oct/01/gender.books">long-held myths</a> about language and gender that assert that women speak more than men, are more co-operative and better at building rapport. Such claims are based on gender stereotypes rather than scientific evidence; research has shown that there are many similarities between the way men and women apologise, as the linguist Louise Mullany noted in this discussion on the <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b060brht">BBC Radio 4 programme Woman’s Hour</a>. </p>
<p>Even if it could be shown that women apologise more than men, this would not be grounds for encouraging them to alter their speech habits. <a href="https://debuk.wordpress.com/2015/07/05/just-dont-do-it/">As linguist Deborah Cameron has argued</a>, efforts to police women’s language are no different to attempts to make women feel self-conscious about their body image. </p>
<p>To advocate that women imitate male speech in order to gain equality in the workplace is to ignore the real problems about gender inequality which have nothing to do with the way women dress or speak. And in any event, apologising – as a man, or a woman – is something intrinsic to our very culture today. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think that an app will help.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/53006/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Simon Horobin does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>As a new app aims to stop us apologising so much, why saying sorry is a glue that binds us all together.Simon Horobin, Professor of English Language and Literature, University of OxfordLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.