tag:theconversation.com,2011:/au/topics/marital-happiness-1663/articlesMarital happiness – The Conversation2020-02-11T21:27:39Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1307362020-02-11T21:27:39Z2020-02-11T21:27:39ZA 4-step maintenance plan to help keep your relationship going strong<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314534/original/file-20200210-109887-3ccocf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=401%2C64%2C3311%2C2520&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">There's a little work involved in happily ever after.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/0tkmbWNLm9E">Désirée Fawn/Unsplash</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Early on, relationships are easy. Everything is new and exciting. You go on dates, take trips, spend time together and intentionally cultivate experiences that allow your relationship to grow.</p>
<p>Then, somewhere along the way, life happens.</p>
<p>One study on married couples in their 30s and 40s found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612474938">their marital quality declined</a> over the course of a year, in terms of love, passion, satisfaction, intimacy and commitment. Too often, people shrug their shoulders and convince themselves this is just how it goes. Switching to relationship autopilot feels justifiable when you’re short on time, low on energy and must focus on other priorities like careers and kids. </p>
<p>This is when doubt can creep in and tempt you to hit the reset button.</p>
<p>But maybe you’re being too hard on a perfectly good relationship. Every couple experiences ups and downs, and even the very best relationships take effort. </p>
<p>Rather than getting out, it’s time to get to work. Whether your relationship is already stuck in a rut, or you’re trying to avoid ending up in one, most people need to focus more on what happens between “I do” and “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=v2ai_5wAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=sra">As a relationship scientist</a>, I suggest the following four psychology research-based strategies to kickoff your relationship maintenance plan. </p>
<h2>1. Use boredom as a pivot point</h2>
<p>No one raises their hand and says, “Sign me up for a boring relationship.” But <a href="https://doi.org/10.3390/bs3030459">boredom serves a purpose</a>. Like your phone indicating your battery is low, boredom is an early warning system that your relationship needs a recharge.</p>
<p>At different times, all relationships experience boredom. Psychology researcher <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516660216">Cheryl Harasymchuk and colleagues</a> have explored how people react. For example, to turn things around when you’re bored, do you fall back on things that are familiar and make you feel self-assured, like taking a walk around the neighborhood? Or do you choose growth-enhancing activities – like going for a hike on a new trail in an unfamiliar park – to mix things up?</p>
<p>It turns out that study participants preferred growth-enhancing activities when they were bored, and when given a chance to plan a date, they incorporated more novelty into those outings. Rather than resigning yourself to boredom’s inevitability – “This is just how relationships are” – use boredom as a call to action. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314873/original/file-20200211-146674-1flbsgt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Find something a little out of the ordinary to do together.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/young-man-to-relax-in-the-green-grass-royalty-free-image/1035435738?adppopup=true">Ishii Koji/DigitalVision via Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>2. Keep dating</h2>
<p>Rather than wait for boredom to strike, couples would be wise to be more proactive. It’s a simple as continuing to date. Early in relationships, couples prioritize these one-on-one outings, but eventually begin to coast, just when the relationship could use an extra boost.</p>
<p>To recapture that early relationship magic, research shows that couples should <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780195398694.013.0005">engage in new, challenging and interesting activities</a>. Rather than sitting at staring at your phones, couples should break their routine and try something different. It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant, or even a new dish at a favorite place. </p>
<p>Not only does branching out counteract boredom, but trying new things helps you grow as a person. All of this spills over into the relationship, increasing levels of passion, satisfaction and commitment. </p>
<p>In one study, researchers asked married couples either to play games like Jenga, Monopoly, Scrabble and UNO, or take an art class together. All couples <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12556">increased their levels of oxytocin</a> – the so-called “cuddle hormone” which <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.01.010">helps partners bond</a>. But the art class couples had larger oxytocin increases and touched each other more, perhaps because the activity was newer and further outside their comfort zone. That novelty may encourage them to rely on each other for assurance. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314874/original/file-20200211-146690-1j4c9ch.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Laughing together and talking about a rom-com’s central relationship is beneficial.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/laughing-aged-couple-man-woman-watching-1374918218">fizkes/Shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>3. Movie nights</h2>
<p>Not looking to dig out your oil paints? Here’s a lower key option: Grab a spot on the couch and have a couples movie night. Over the course of a month, researchers asked some couples to watch and discuss a romantic comedy such as “When Harry Met Sally,” while others did an intense relationship workshop. Fast forward three years, and the movie watchers were <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034209">less likely to have broken up</a>.</p>
<p>It probably isn’t just taking in any film, but rather that watching a romantic story gives couples a less threatening way to discuss relationship issues. It may also help them see their relationship differently. That’s important, because research from psychologist <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=kRbhk4oAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao">Eli Finkel</a> and others shows that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612474938">viewing your own relationship through completely neutral eyes</a> helps couples hold off declines in marital quality.</p>
<h2>4. Finding the bright spots</h2>
<p>Activities are great, but you also need to do daily maintenance.</p>
<p>There’s an old adage in psychology research that “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1037//1089-2680.5.4.323">bad is stronger than good</a>.” For relationships, that often means focusing on what’s wrong, while overlooking what’s right. Talk about self-defeating.</p>
<p>Of course, you can just as easily find the ways your relationship is thriving. Be more intentional about noticing your relationship’s bright spots. Not only will you appreciate your partner more, but you can <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6773.12524">use what’s going well to help improve less bright areas</a>. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=387&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=387&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=387&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=486&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=486&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/314545/original/file-20200210-109930-14ux37p.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=486&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Focus on what’s actually going well.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/VUZVlZs0hLs">AllGo/Unsplash</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Too often, people wait for something to break before trying to fix it. Adopting a maintenance mentality can more proactively help your relationship.</p>
<p>One new study tested a way to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.2925">help couples in already healthy relationships</a>. The researchers’ intervention had couples complete research-based positive psychology activities over four weeks such as:</p>
<ul>
<li>Write the story of their relationship, focusing on the positives, then share with their partner</li>
<li>Write a letter of gratitude to their partner</li>
<li>Identify their partner’s strengths and their strengths as a couple</li>
<li>Create a list of positive moments or activities partners want to share with each other. Pick one, and plan a time to do it</li>
<li>Create a desired happiness chart and discuss what small relationship tweaks can help make it a reality.</li>
</ul>
<p>At the end of the month, compared to couples on the study’s waitlist, participants reported more positive emotions, better relationship functioning and improved communication. Another month later, their average relationship functioning remained better than that of the comparison group. </p>
<p>Few people enjoy cleaning, doing laundry or mowing the lawn. Yet, if you neglect those tasks, life quickly falls into disrepair. Your relationship is just the same. Rather than thinking about replacements when your relationship shows signs of wear, invest the time and energy into a little maintenance. Using any or all of these easy-to-implement strategies should not only help a relationship survive, but hopefully even thrive.</p>
<p>[ <em>You’re smart and curious about the world. So are The Conversation’s authors and editors.</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=youresmart">You can read us daily by subscribing to our newsletter</a>. ]</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/130736/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>After the intensity of early courtship, even a healthy, happy relationship can feel lackluster. Psychology researchers have ideas for what can help you perk up your relationship rather than give up.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Professor of Psychology, Monmouth UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1012752018-09-06T09:02:12Z2018-09-06T09:02:12ZThe secret to a happy marriage: flexible roles<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/233661/original/file-20180827-75984-r7djbo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C7219%2C4809&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Doing the dishes, laundry, ironing, cooking, feeding the baby are not solely the wife's job, but also the responsibility of the husband. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">www.shutterstock.com</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Between 2005 and 2010, one in ten married couples in Indonesia got divorced, according to data from the Supreme Court. In 70% of the cases, the wife initiated the divorce. The trend has only increased since then, rising by 80% between 2010 and 2015.</p>
<p>Why are women twice as likely as men to seek a divorce? One assumption is that the idea of gender equality as promoted through feminism drives this divorce rate. But it’s an assumption that’s not supported by the evidence. </p>
<p><a href="https://balitbangdiklat.kemenag.go.id/assets/uploads/2017/02/CERAI_GUGAT.pdf">Data from the Ministry of Religious Affairs</a>, which administers marriages and divorces, identify at least three main reasons cited by those filing for divorce: marital disharmony, responsibility, and money problems. All three reasons relate to the flexibility of the respective roles of the wife and husband in a marriage. </p>
<h2>Women’s multiple roles</h2>
<p>The involvement of women in the economic workforce and public life has not been reciprocated by a shift among men into domestic work and reproductive life. As a result, women assume multiple responsibilities as daughters, wives, mothers, workers and members of society. </p>
<p>As a daughter, a woman is traditionally responsible for taking care of her parents. As a wife, she is expected to serve her husband, preparing food, clothing and other personal needs. As a mother, she has to take care of the children and their needs, including education. </p>
<p>As a worker, she has to be professional, disciplined and a good employee. And as a member of society, she is expected to participate in community activities and volunteer work, both within her community and through social organisations. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Baca juga:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/it-takes-a-village-to-raise-a-child-101279">‘It takes a village to raise a child’</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>By contrast, men have traditionally had just one role, as the family’s breadwinner, and little obligation to be socially active within their community. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/234586/original/file-20180903-41705-n8z0o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/234586/original/file-20180903-41705-n8z0o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=390&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234586/original/file-20180903-41705-n8z0o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=390&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234586/original/file-20180903-41705-n8z0o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=390&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234586/original/file-20180903-41705-n8z0o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234586/original/file-20180903-41705-n8z0o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234586/original/file-20180903-41705-n8z0o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Men can carry out caretaking duties too.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Some cultures and families still maintain those gender roles today. It is understandable, therefore, that these multiple burdens of responsibility on women impose hardship on them and leave them vulnerable.</p>
<h2>Flexible roles</h2>
<p>Overcoming this inflexibility in women’s and men’s roles within marriage is therefore important. </p>
<p>Let’s first posit that, by the very definition of role flexibility, both men and women have equal responsibility for domestic and caretaker tasks within the family, on the basis of fair agreement and commitment. Doing the dishes, laundry, ironing, cooking, feeding the baby and so on are not solely the wife’s job, but also the responsibility of the husband. Equal doesn’t mean similar. So different families might apportion tasks in different ways to each member of the family. </p>
<p>The second idea is that both men and women have equal responsibilities to earn money and to participate actively within the community. An example of role flexibility here is when the couple decide to have a child and the woman becomes pregnant. In many cases, the pregnancy will mean she will contribute less toward the family income. </p>
<p>In another scenario, when the woman obtains a better-paying job than the man, it should not matter that she earns more than her husband. The most important point is that the decision is in the best interests of the whole family and doesn’t disproportionately burden one family member. A husband no longer has to earn more money than his wife or vice versa. </p>
<h2>Flexible roles brings marital happiness</h2>
<p>Empirical evidence supports the argument for greater role flexibility within the marital space. </p>
<p>In early 2018 we conducted a survey supported by the Ford Foundation of 106 married respondents in Yogyakarta. Some 54% said they were “very happy” in their family. Of those, nearly two-thirds described the gender role flexibility within their marriage as “high”.</p>
<p>By comparison, of the 45% who said they were merely “happy”, nearly three-fifths said the gender role flexibility in their marriage was only “moderate”.</p>
<p>The more flexible the roles of men and women in the family, the happier they are.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/234588/original/file-20180903-41717-motkuh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/234588/original/file-20180903-41717-motkuh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234588/original/file-20180903-41717-motkuh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234588/original/file-20180903-41717-motkuh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234588/original/file-20180903-41717-motkuh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234588/original/file-20180903-41717-motkuh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/234588/original/file-20180903-41717-motkuh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A flexible arrangement can contribute to marital happiness.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The findings are interesting, especially for policymakers and religious leaders, as well as the wider community. The idea of flexibility in marital roles is in line with the characteristics of the millennial generation: dynamic, non-fixed and non-rigid. </p>
<p>Implementing a flexible arrangement for men’s and women’s roles in the household can contribute to the happiness of the family members and help reduce the number of divorces. Nobody, after all, dreams of having a broken family.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/101275/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Alimatul Qibtiyah receives funding from Ford Foundation and the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade, Australia. </span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Siti Syamsiyatun reeceives funding from Ford Foundation. </span></em></p>A survey in Yogyakarta, Indonesia, shows the more flexible the roles of men and women in the family, the happier they are.Alimatul Qibtiyah, Lecturer in Communication Studies, Universitas Islam Negeri Sunan KalijagaSiti Syamsiyatun, Director, Indonesian Consortium for Religious Studies Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/850422017-10-03T13:37:41Z2017-10-03T13:37:41ZThe impossible ideals of the British middle class: why Doctor Foster is gripping the nation<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188567/original/file-20171003-12146-t977ac.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">BBC</span>, <span class="license">Author provided</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>It is fairly rare when a TV drama concerning entirely domestic issues such as marital cheating and lying to your spouse looks more like a <a href="http://www.filmsite.org/filmnoir.html">noir</a>-ish thriller complete with overblown paranoia, obsession, suspense and mind games.</p>
<p>The hit BBC drama <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/sep/06/doctor-foster-review-suranne-jones-brian-cox-the-21st-century-face-for-space">Doctor Foster’s</a> titular character (played by <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/4290154/suranne-jones-doctor-foster-scott-bailey/">Suranne Jones</a>) is a well-respected GP living with her husband and teenage son in a nice house in Parminster, a fictional town near London. </p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188570/original/file-20171003-739-1jc9afo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188570/original/file-20171003-739-1jc9afo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=557&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188570/original/file-20171003-739-1jc9afo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=557&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188570/original/file-20171003-739-1jc9afo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=557&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188570/original/file-20171003-739-1jc9afo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=700&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188570/original/file-20171003-739-1jc9afo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=700&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188570/original/file-20171003-739-1jc9afo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=700&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Dr Foster’s dastardly husband, Simon, played by Bertie Carvel.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">BBC</span>, <span class="license">Author provided</span></span>
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<p>In the <a href="http://www.denofgeek.com/uk/tv/doctor-foster/51287/doctor-foster-series-1-recap">first series</a> this <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2016/feb/26/uk-more-middle-class-than-working-class-2000-data">middle-class</a> idyll is destroyed when Gemma discovers that husband Simon (Bertie Carvel) has been cheating with a much younger woman, Kate (Jodie Comer), the daughter of friends. Worse – he is a chronic liar, denying everything when confronted with proof of his cheating.</p>
<p>In series two, the now ex-husband returns to Parminster after two years away forming his new family; he now lives in a huge house, owns a flashy car and has a good job managing a new office development. He is also scheming to take away their son and oust Gemma from Parminster. </p>
<h2>Middle-class horror story</h2>
<p>It is interesting to see how the show’s creator, playwright <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2017/aug/27/doctor-foster-mike-bartlett-stage-play-albion-suranne-jones-bbc">Mike Bartlett</a>, forces the psychological, the internal, the hidden, the shameful and the taboo into the open. Doctor Foster has an almost <a href="http://nofilmschool.com/2017/03/watch-breaking-down-what-it-means-be-hitchcockian">Hitchcockian</a> sensibility, mostly achieved by subjective camerawork and noir lighting. We see what the characters see, and as a result we feel their fear, their anger and their pain.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188568/original/file-20171003-14213-1lemmak.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188568/original/file-20171003-14213-1lemmak.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=446&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188568/original/file-20171003-14213-1lemmak.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=446&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188568/original/file-20171003-14213-1lemmak.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=446&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188568/original/file-20171003-14213-1lemmak.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=560&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188568/original/file-20171003-14213-1lemmak.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=560&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188568/original/file-20171003-14213-1lemmak.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=560&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Dr Foster has classic elements of Hitchcock – obsession, suspense, anxiety, fear – and a good dollop of Gothic melodrama too.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>We become Gemma when, in series two’s third episode, we see her spying on her son from the garden at his father’s house, watching him reject her phone call. We follow Kate’s gaze when she finds the handwritten envelope containing Simon’s tie on her doorstep. The camera becomes the character’s extension; it is limited and biased, allowing the viewers to <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/introjection">introject</a> the passions happening on screen as well as to project their own experiences of rejection, paranoia, jealousy and revenge on to the characters. </p>
<p>The real sense of horror and suspense, however, comes from the interplay between the private and the public, the hidden and the discovered in a world in which the <a href="https://inews.co.uk/essentials/lifestyle/wellbeing/playwright-annie-siddons-middle-class-nuclear-families-just-dont-work/">nuclear middle-class family</a> is the ideal form of human co-habitation.</p>
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<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/r8b4V4TOgSo?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
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<p>The ideal middle-class family is very neat: the parents are moderately affluent, with good jobs, decent, faithful, not showing strong feelings in public; the children are sociable and successful. The middle class was truly born with <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/store/10.1002/9780470756119.part2/asset/part2.pdf?v=1&t=j8aa3db5&s=d74b243b02bf03859522e457f9aba6fcf59f14cb&systemMessage=Wiley+Online+Library+will+be+unavailable+on+Saturday+7th+Oct+from+03.00+EDT+%2F+08%3A00+BST+%2F+12%3A30+IST+%2F+15.00+SGT+to+08.00+EDT+%2F+13.00+BST+%2F+17%3A30+IST+%2F+20.00+SGT+and+Sunday+8th+Oct+from+03.00+EDT+%2F+08%3A00+BST+%2F+12%3A30+IST+%2F+15.00+SGT+to+06.00+EDT+%2F+11.00+BST+%2F+15%3A30+IST+%2F+18.00+SGT+for+essential+maintenance.+Apologies+for+the+inconvenience+caused+.">capitalist modernity</a>, and this picture of the bourgeois bliss was based on the <a href="http://www.history.com/topics/enlightenment">Enlightenment</a> vision of the subject as rational, civilised, professional and capable of taming his or her passions. It still informs our behaviour today.</p>
<h2>A family in turmoil</h2>
<p>This picture of the Foster family is the total opposite. In series one Gemma almost loses her job because she is unable to separate her emotions from her professional life. Her judgement is often clouded and she acts on impulse, without bothering to hide her emotions or provide rational explanations for her behaviour.</p>
<p>She does not self-reflect or learn from her mistakes. When she is not in control, she will do anything to regain the upper hand, including stalking and confrontation. For instance, using a dinner party to expose Simon’s cheating in front of his lover’s family.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188573/original/file-20171003-31655-6mowpr.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188573/original/file-20171003-31655-6mowpr.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=382&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188573/original/file-20171003-31655-6mowpr.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=382&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188573/original/file-20171003-31655-6mowpr.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=382&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188573/original/file-20171003-31655-6mowpr.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=480&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188573/original/file-20171003-31655-6mowpr.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=480&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188573/original/file-20171003-31655-6mowpr.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=480&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The Fosters’ son Tom (played by Tom Taylor) is deeply affected by the breakdown of his parents’ marriage and their appalling behaviour to one another.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">BBC</span>, <span class="license">Author provided</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Meanwhile, Simon is a bully, a liar and a conman. His and Gemma’s relationship is blighted not only by infidelity but by physical violence and emotional abuse. At one point their son Tom (Tom Taylor), in series two, is on the verge of being expelled from school for displaying sexual violence towards a girl as well as beating up his classmate. </p>
<p>The horror of dismantling the rational bourgeois individual permeates Doctor Foster: everyone who looks nice and decent on the outside is soon shown to be deceitful or incapable of controlling basic impulses.</p>
<p>The house – the container of the nuclear family – is often portrayed as a <a href="https://www.bl.uk/romantics-and-victorians/themes/the-gothic">Gothic</a> place, a place of horror – creepy, empty or dark. Everyone in Parminster seems to be harbouring a dark secret, from an alcoholic GP to the neighbours whose marriage is a sham thanks to his cheating and her condoning of it. </p>
<h2>The fall of the perfect woman</h2>
<p>What makes matters complicated for Gemma is, of course, the fact that she is female and therefore particularly required to sustain the middle-class ideal. Instead, she is repeatedly undoing it, forgetting to keep a stiff upper lip. Her emotional life is constantly on display – something fitting for <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/media/2008/sep/07/itv.television">Jeremy Kyle Show</a> guests, perhaps, but not for a female professional – particularly a doctor.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188574/original/file-20171003-14213-16a96wk.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188574/original/file-20171003-14213-16a96wk.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=746&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188574/original/file-20171003-14213-16a96wk.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=746&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188574/original/file-20171003-14213-16a96wk.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=746&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188574/original/file-20171003-14213-16a96wk.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=938&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188574/original/file-20171003-14213-16a96wk.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=938&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/188574/original/file-20171003-14213-16a96wk.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=938&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Undone by her husband’s infidelity, Gemma (played by Suranne Jones) will not conform to society’s image of a nice middle-class lady doctor.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">BBC</span>, <span class="license">Author provided</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Gemma is supposed to be contained, content, solemn. When this emotional earthquake strikes, she is meant to accept her fate and move on. A middle-class woman does not retaliate, or lower herself to stalking her ex-husband and his new wife, does not fail as a mother, and does not engage in scandalous public behaviour such as getting drunk or gatecrashing her ex’s wedding. In other words, she would not do anything that would compromise her social status. </p>
<p>When repressed and hidden from public view, emotions and impulses do not disappear – they fester until they find a way of manifesting themselves in the most embarrassing situations.</p>
<p>These moments become the source of shame and fear – but also of horror and suspense, which makes for great drama. Doctor Foster is addictive viewing precisely because we know how impossible the standards of the middle-class ideal are, and how many of us fail to live up to them.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/85042/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Helena Bassil-Morozow does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The BBC’s dark drama reveals just how thin the veneer of middle-class respectability can be.Helena Bassil-Morozow, Lecturer in Media and Journalism, Glasgow Caledonian UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/623872016-08-22T00:21:08Z2016-08-22T00:21:08ZRelationship advice from the government doesn’t help low-income couples – here’s what might<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/134829/original/image-20160819-30366-qb7wzw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">External stressors might have more to do with a low-income couple's success.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/mzn37/277597583">Michael Newman</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Stable, satisfying marriages <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0031859">promote physical</a> and <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.3.369">mental health</a> for adults <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00750.x">and their children</a>. However, <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/">marriage rates in the United States have dropped</a> over the last few decades as more couples are <a href="http://www.census.gov/hhes/families/files/graphics/MS-2.pdf">choosing to delay marriage</a> or simply <a href="http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr064.pdf">live together instead</a>. </p>
<p>These trends are especially pronounced among <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2010/11/18/the-decline-of-marriage-and-rise-of-new-families/">low-income couples</a>, and correspond with an <a href="http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr64/nvsr64_12.pdf">increase in the percent of children who are born outside of marriage</a>. Although there has been <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00750.x">considerable debate</a> about the implications of these trends, some scholars have argued they are problematic given that, statistically, children living with two biological married parents do better (on average) academically, socially and behaviorally compared to other children. </p>
<p>Concerned about the impact of these trends on children’s well-being, the federal government has tried to promote marriage and strengthen couples’ relationships through a <a href="http://archive.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/">range of initiatives</a> over the past two decades.</p>
<p>These bipartisan efforts began in 1996 under President Clinton’s welfare reform legislation. The <a href="https://www.congress.gov/104/plaws/publ193/PLAW-104publ193.pdf">Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act</a> authorized states to pay for marriage and relationship skills programs – including premarital education and marriage mentoring – with federal Temporary Assistance for Needy Families money. <a href="http://www.bgsu.edu/content/dam/BGSU/college-of-arts-and-sciences/NCFMR/documents/FP/FP-14-02_HMIInitiative.pdf">Funding increased</a> under President George W. Bush’s <a href="http://archive.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/about/mission.html#background">Healthy Marriage Initiative</a> and continued under President Obama. Currently the Department of Health and Human Services supports these kinds of efforts through the <a href="https://www.healthymarriageandfamilies.org/">National Resource Center for Healthy Marriage and Families</a>. All told, hundreds of millions of dollars have been set aside for states to administer marriage programs.</p>
<p>With so much time and money spent on these programs to date, are the relationships of low-income Americans in better shape than they would have been without them? What’s the evidence from social science research on what really strengthens couples’ relationships? </p>
<h2>Teaching relationship skills</h2>
<p>Relationship education programs are the cornerstone of these government efforts to strengthen low-income Americans’ relationships. These federally funded programs focus on teaching couples new skills to improve their relationships, targeting areas like healthy communication, showing affection and conflict management.</p>
<p>Relationship education has been around for several decades, and <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0012584">evidence from trials of primarily middle-class white couples</a> had shown modest results. The <a href="http://archive.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/about/mission.html#ms">hope of the federal initiatives</a> was that by increasing access to these types of programs among low-income couples, their relationships would benefit and so would their children. </p>
<p>To test the effectiveness of relationship education programs, starting in 2002 the government funded the two largest randomized controlled trials on the issue ever conducted. The first, <a href="http://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/opre/bsf_36_mo_impact_exec_summ.pdf">Building Strong Families</a>, included unmarried low-income couples who were expecting or just had a baby. The second, <a href="http://www.mdrc.org/sites/default/files/shm2013_30_month_impact_reportrev2.pdf">Supporting Healthy Marriage</a>, focused on married low-income couples who had been married for an average of six years. Other than these differences in the type of couples involved, the evaluations were set up to be similar.</p>
<p>Researchers randomly assigned thousands of couples either to receive relationship education or to receive no services as part of the control group. Then couples were assessed twice to examine how effective the program was: once after about a year, and a second time about three years later. The programs evaluated a host of outcomes, including couples’ communication and relationship satisfaction, marriage rates and whether the couple was still together.</p>
<p>Even though couples in the control condition received no treatment at all, results from both groups were weaker than anticipated. The unmarried couples who participated in Building Strong Families were no more likely to be married or to report higher-quality relationships. The more established couples who participated in Supporting Healthy Marriage showed some small benefits for relationship satisfaction and their communication, but were no more likely to be together than couples in the control group. The benefits from the programs were especially small when considering their costs, which averaged between <a href="http://www.mdrc.org/sites/default/files/shm2013_30_month_impact_reportrev2.pdf">US$9,000</a> and <a href="http://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/opre/bsf_36_mo_impact_exec_summ.pdf">$11,000</a> per couple.</p>
<p>What went wrong? Why didn’t these programs help as much as expected? </p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134835/original/image-20160819-30387-sseidd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Communication training isn’t all it takes to keep marriages going.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=133609583">Couple image via www.shutterstock.com.</a></span>
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<h2>More to marriage than communication</h2>
<p>In the years since these programs were first developed, researchers have devoted more attention to understanding low-income couples’ relationships.</p>
<p>Our own research has focused on newlywed couples living in low-income neighborhoods in Los Angeles. In a <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12301">recent study</a>, we examined how these couples’ marriages changed over time, and what predicted changes in couples’ marital satisfaction.</p>
<p>We visited couples in their homes four times over the first three years of marriage. During these visits, couples reported how happy they were with their marriage, and participated in conversations about issues in their marriage. These ran the gamut: from management of money, to division of chores, to children. </p>
<p>We were interested in how couples communicated during these conversations, in keeping with the emphasis on communication in the relationship education programs supported by the recent federal initiatives. We considered positive communication to reflect behaviors like positive mood, warmth, humor and responsiveness. On the flip side, contempt, denial, dominance and hostility would be reflected as negative communication. </p>
<p>As we expected, communication and relationship satisfaction over time were associated: At any one of our four assessment points, couples who communicated better – with more positivity and less acrimony – tended to be happier in their marriages. </p>
<p>Prediction, however, was much harder to come by. The quality of their communication at any one point in time did not tell us much about which couples would become more or less happy over time. So happier couples did communicate better, but their mode of communication wasn’t the reason they were happier.</p>
<p>Communication, it seems, may not be the main driver of relationship satisfaction, at least among couples living with low incomes. To understand what might matter more, we asked the couples themselves about the <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/fam0000158">biggest sources of disagreement</a> in their marriages. They reported that management of money – things like paying bills or not having enough money to both pay for baby items and go out – was their most salient problem. Other issues like household chores, decisions about leisure time, their in-laws and children followed. Communication could be a problem too, but they didn’t identify it as nearly as much of a big deal as these other areas. </p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/134839/original/image-20160819-30409-1nx5vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">First things first; we’ve got bills to pay.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=231990565">Bills image via www.shutterstock.com.</a></span>
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<h2>Dealing with the big picture first</h2>
<p>These studies, <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/a0031104">among many others</a>, highlight a deceptively simple point: Partners living with low incomes are likely to <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00977.x">struggle because they face challenges outside of their marriage</a>. Healthy communication of the sort encouraged in relationship education does go hand-in-hand with how couples feel about their relationship, but outside factors may be more immediately pressing and need more attention. Families who are struggling to afford everyday expenses may find it difficult to prioritize spending meaningful time with a partner.</p>
<p>External stressors (like finances) can place a <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.05.013">tremendous burden on couples’ relationships</a> for two reasons: They create more problems for them to deal with (like money management), and they limit couples’ capacity to solve these problems.</p>
<p>To help low-income couples’ relationships, we may need policies and programs that reduce stress directly, such as assistance with child care, finances or job training. Admittedly, these types of strategies are not typically thought of as being part of programs to help couples. But, by targeting the relationship problems identified by low-income couples themselves, we might be able to provide them with some much-needed relief. Helping couples square away some of these immediate problems might allow them to devote more time and energy to each other, their relationship and their children.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/62387/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Justin Lavner's research has been supported by funding from the National Science Foundation. </span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Benjamin Karney is a Professor of Social Psychology at UCLA and an Adjunct Behavioral Scientist with the RAND Corporation. His work has been funded by the National Institutes of Health and the Department of Defense.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Thomas Bradbury served as a paid expert consultant on the Building Strong Families and Strengthening Healthy Marriages projects. His research at UCLA has been supported by grants from the National Science Foundation, The John Templeton Foundation, and the National Institute of Mental Health, and he currently collaborates on projects supported by grants from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.</span></em></p>Relationship education programs are meant to strengthen low-income couples, with the idea children would benefit. But focusing on communication skills overlooks what really matters to these Americans.Justin Lavner, Assistant Professor of Psychology, University of GeorgiaBenjamin Karney, Professor of Social Psychology, University of California, Los AngelesThomas Bradbury, Professor of Psychology, University of California, Los AngelesLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/579442016-05-05T17:04:07Z2016-05-05T17:04:07ZHave children? Here’s how kids ruin your romantic relationship<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/121270/original/image-20160504-9426-j2p7hv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Bundles of joy.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=295730735">Family via www.shutterstock.com.</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Lots of women look forward to motherhood – getting to know a tiny baby, raising a growing child, developing a relationship with a maturing son or daughter. All over the world, people believe that parenting is the <a href="http://doi.org/10.1007/s11205-011-9865-y">most rewarding part of life</a>. And it’s good that so many mothers treasure that bond with their child, because the transition to parenthood causes profound changes in a woman’s marriage and her overall happiness… and not for the better. </p>
<p>Families usually welcome a baby to the mix with great expectations. But as a mother’s bond with a child grows, it’s likely that her other relationships are deteriorating. I surveyed decades of studies on the psychological effects of having a child to write my book <a href="http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118521285.html">“Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage,”</a> and here’s what the research literature shows.</p>
<h2>Nowhere to go but down?</h2>
<p>When people marry, they’re usually in love and happy to be tying the knot. But after that, things tend to change. On average, couples’ <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.82.2.222">satisfaction with their marriage</a> declines during the <a href="http://doi.org/10.1353/sof.2001.0055">first years of marriage</a> and, if the decline is <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.118.1.3">particularly steep</a>, <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.80.2.237">divorce may follow</a>. The course of true love runs downhill. And that’s before you factor in what happens when it’s time to start buying a carseat and diapers.</p>
<p>For around 30 years, researchers have studied how having children affects a marriage, and the results are conclusive: the relationship between spouses suffers once kids come along. Comparing couples with and without children, researchers found that the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969">nearly twice as steep</a> for couples who have children than for childless couples. In the event that a <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.22.1.41">pregnancy is unplanned</a>, the parents experience even greater negative impacts on their relationship. </p>
<p>The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction of new parents declines, the likelihood of them <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/019251385006004003">divorcing also declines</a>. So, having children may make you miserable, but you’ll be miserable together. </p>
<p>Worse still, this decrease in marital satisfaction likely leads to a change in <em>general</em> happiness, because the biggest <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.125.2.276">predictor of overall life satisfaction</a> is one’s satisfaction with their spouse.</p>
<p>While the negative marital impact of becoming parents is familiar to fathers and mothers, it is especially insidious because so many young couples think that having children will <a href="http://doi.org/10.1007/s11205-011-9865-y">bring them closer together</a> or at least <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/352348">will not lead</a> to marital distress. Yet, this belief, that having children will improve one’s marriage, is a tenacious and <a href="http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118521285.html">persistent myth</a> among those who are young and in love.</p>
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<span class="caption">Have I turned your world upside down yet?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=286988390">Baby image via www.shutterstock.com.</a></span>
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<h2>Lovers morph into parents</h2>
<p>It seems obvious that adding a baby to a household is going to change its dynamics. And indeed, the arrival of children <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=mCQZR7aLn6oC&oi=fnd&pg=PA79&dq=Becoming+a+family:+Marriage,+parenting,+and+child+development&ots=OtEXNeMf58&sig=KkAUrJr9iI1IjqHM0Zr3fLC0mw8#v=onepage&q=Becoming%20a%20family%3A%20Marriage%2C%20parenting%2C%20and%20child%20development&f=false">changes how couples interact</a>. Parents often become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to the details of parenting. Mundane basics like keeping kids fed, bathed and clothed take energy, time and resolve. In the effort to keep the family running smoothly, parents discuss carpool pickups and grocery runs, instead of sharing the latest gossip or their thoughts on presidential elections. Questions about one’s day are replaced with questions about whether this diaper looks full.</p>
<p>These changes can be profound. Fundamental identities may shift – from wife to mother, or, at a more intimate level, <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/019251385006004004">from lovers to parents</a>. Even in same-sex couples, the arrival of children predicts less relationship satisfaction and sex. Beyond sexual intimacy, new parents tend to stop saying and doing <a href="http://doi.org/10.2307/1130005">the little things</a> that please their spouses. Flirty texts are replaced with messages that read like a grocery receipt.</p>
<p>With nearly half of all births being to <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/files/2014/03/2014-03-07_generations-report-version-for-web.pdf">unmarried couples</a>, some parents may think they have gamed the system by skipping the wedding. Not so. The relationship burden of having children is present regardless of marital status, gender orientation or level of income. In addition, the adverse impact of becoming a parent is <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00434.x">found in other countries</a>, including those with greater rates of nonmarital parenting and more generous family policies. </p>
<h2>Moms bear the brunt</h2>
<p>Not surprisingly, it is mothers, not fathers, who bear the heaviest cost of becoming parents. Even when both parents work outside the home and even in marriages in which both spouses describe themselves as sharing the burden of household chores, most parents slide toward <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00459.x">gender-stereotypical ways of parenting</a>. Women are more likely to become the <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00356.x">“on call” parent</a>, the one who gets up in the night to bring a child a tissue or who’s called by the school nurse.</p>
<p>As part of this pattern, new mothers tend to cut their hours in outside work, which often leads fathers to feel more of the burden of financial responsibility. A common pattern emerges in which dads start spending more time and energy on outside work and moms start doing an increasing percentage of the <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=search.displayRecord&uid=1992-97452-000">childcare and housework</a>. Cue the feelings of <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/The_transition_to_parenthood.html?id=PEBs4MyNpycC">frustration, guilt and distress</a> for both parents.</p>
<p>New mothers often talk about their social isolation, becoming disconnected from friends and colleagues and how their world feels like it’s shrinking. All of these changes lead to fundamental and long-lasting effects on new mothers’ circle of support, including with their spouses. </p>
<p>The consequences of the relationship strain can be serious. Marital stress is associated with many serious <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0022022115587026">physical health problems</a> as well as symptoms of <a href="http://doi.org/10.1037/a0038267">depression and other mental health problems</a>. The link between psychological and marital problems is strong enough that researchers have found that couples therapy is one of the most effective ways of treating <a href="http://doi.org/10.1016/S0272-7358(98)00023-3">depression</a> and some other <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00242.x">mental illnesses</a>.</p>
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<span class="caption">So long, son.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=388726507">Moving image via www.shutterstock.com.</a></span>
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<h2>A light at the end of the tunnel?</h2>
<p>If the arrival of children is hard on marriages, is the departure of children good for marriages? Some marriages do improve once the children <a href="http://doi.org/10.2307/2095629">leave the nest</a>. In other cases, the successful launch of the children leads spouses to discover they have few shared interests and there’s <a href="http://doi.org/10.2307/353453">nothing keeping them together</a>. </p>
<p>These downsides to having children may partly explain why more and more women in the United States and <a href="http://data.worldbank.org/indicator/SP.DYN.TFRT.IN/">around the world</a> are choosing not to procreate. According to the U.S. Census, the percent of childless American women (ages 15-44) increased a staggering amount in just two generations: <a href="https://www.census.gov/hhes/fertility/data/cps/historical.html">from 35 percent in 1976 to 47 percent in 2010</a>. </p>
<p>Despite the dismal picture of motherhood painted by researchers like me (sorry Mom), most mothers (and fathers) rate parenting as their <a href="http://doi.org/10.1007/s11205-011-9865-y">greatest joy</a>. Much like childbirth, where nearly all mothers believe the pain and suffering was worth it, most mothers believe the rewards of watching their children grow up is worth the cost to their romantic relationships.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/57944/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Matthew D. Johnson has received funding from the Research Foundation of the State University of New York, the Fahs-Beck Fund for Research and Experimentation, and the American Psychological Association.</span></em></p>Fall in love, have a baby, watch your happiness and satisfaction plummet. Psychology researchers know the transition to parenthood can be rough on relationships.Matthew D. Johnson, Chair & Professor of Psychology and Director of the Marriage and Family Studies Laboratory, Binghamton University, State University of New YorkLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.