tag:theconversation.com,2011:/fr/topics/forgiveness-11059/articles
Forgiveness – The Conversation
2023-05-09T15:30:45Z
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/204220
2023-05-09T15:30:45Z
2023-05-09T15:30:45Z
Succession: why it can be hard grieving someone you had a complicated relationship with
<p><em><strong>This article contains spoilers</strong></em></p>
<p>There is a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLaVY-mWtmg">scene</a> in the pilot episode of HBO’s American black comedy-drama series <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzYxJV_rmE8">Succession</a> where Kendall Roy locks himself in the bathroom, no longer able to hold in his rage and resentment towards his father. Billionaire media mogul, Logan Roy, is portrayed as a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, power-hungry father who has inflicted a lifetime of neglect and abuse on his children.</p>
<p>After his mini-breakdown, Kendall composes himself, returns to the dining room, and puts on a brave face with the rest of the family to celebrate his father’s birthday. There is an uncomfortable sense that family life is an artificial performance. Not too far from the surface are the pain, resentment and anger of decades of dysfunctional family life.</p>
<p>Trauma specialist, <a href="https://www.carolynspring.com/about/">Caroline Spring</a>, wrote that the “happy family” is a myth for many, a performed cultural ideal that masks a myriad of unpalatable truths. This can also be true in death, as people negotiate the loss of family members they blatantly disliked during life, or who caused them nothing but suffering and pain.</p>
<p>It’s difficult to say how many funerals are characterised by singing the praises of people many of those present either openly or secretly resented or cannot forgive. </p>
<p>It’s not necessarily that the deceased wasn’t loved or that their loss doesn’t still sting. Grieving dysfunctional, toxic or hurtful relationships creates a different level of complexity. </p>
<p>In Succession, when the tyrannical Logan Roy finally dies his <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfBDSRi6NA8">children’s sadness is palpable</a>. However, family therapists have <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Froma-Walsh/publication/258219041_Bereavement_A_family_life_cycle_perspective/links/55ca19e208aeb975674a4319/Bereavement-A-family-life-cycle-perspective.pdf">argued</a> that such grief can be complicated by the fact that the bereaved are often mourning a relationship they wish they’d had with the deceased or are angry and remorseful about the fact that things were never repaired. </p>
<p>There is also the possibility for internal conflict when cultural or familial pressure to celebrate the deceased collides with an internal need to acknowledge the fact that they were mean, abusive, and neglectful. </p>
<h2>Artificial forgiveness</h2>
<p>Bereavement psychologists <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/009164711103900403">suggest</a> that forgiving the deceased is important to preserving mental health. After all, as Nelson Mandela suggested, resentment “is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. </p>
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<p>In simple terms, psychologist <a href="https://internationalforgiveness.com/research/">Robert Enright</a> defined forgiveness as rooting out negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours towards someone, and finding a way to develop positive thoughts, feelings and behaviours about them too. He suggested such forgiveness is highly relevant in cases where the offending party is dead.</p>
<p>In his book, Dying Matters, palliative care physician, Ira Byock, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Dying-Well-Peace-Possibilities-Life/dp/1573226572">argued</a> that suffering can be eased through deathbed rituals designed to foster forgiveness. As part of a “good death”, he encourages people to engage in five steps, where they say:</p>
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<p>Forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. And Goodbye. </p>
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<p>The idea being that such forgiveness rituals help “wipe the slate clean”.</p>
<p>However, it has been argued that this sort of forgiveness is artificial. </p>
<p>Grief psychologist, <a href="https://rememberingpractices.com/about-lorraine-hedtke/">Lorraine Hedtke</a>, believes such practices pressure people into what she calls an “artificial ending”. Sometimes people end up silencing suffering or minimising and denying pain in service to a cultural pressure to accelerate forgiveness. She also <a href="https://rememberingpractices.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Re-thinking-deathbed-forgiveness-rituals.pdf">questions</a> whether forgiveness is really something we can conjure up in “once and forever” rituals.</p>
<h2>Death is not the end</h2>
<p>Of course, death is not the end of our psychological relationship with the deceased. Hedtke offers the example of an abusive, angry, tyrannical father, much like Succession’s Logan Roy, whose six sons had few kind words to say about him on his death. </p>
<p>Neither the man’s death, nor his funeral, she wrote, were the time or place any of his children felt able to make false declarations of forgiveness. At the funeral they had few kind words or fond memories and could not recall appreciative connections with their father. Only in the years that followed did they begin to construct a more forgiving version of him. </p>
<p>Eventually the brothers were able to retain their original reality – that he was indeed a mean and vindictive father – and also begin to appreciate and understand him in a different light too. This was sparked by a random conversation about a long-forgotten fishing trip, prompting them to remember a positive quality that had previously gone unnoticed. </p>
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<p>Even after death, Hedtke <a href="https://rememberingpractices.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Re-thinking-deathbed-forgiveness-rituals.pdf">argues</a>, relationships change and evolve. In some cases, perhaps this sort of change is only possible after someone’s death.</p>
<p>Studies have also suggested that people’s capacity to forgive the dead may be connected to psychological factors like attachment. Psychologists Elizabeth Gassin and Gregory Lengel <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/009164711103900403">found</a> that people with high attachment avoidance were less likely to reach forgiveness for someone they were close to who had died. This makes sense because attachment avoidance is a tendency to repress or shut away our feelings for the other. It is difficult to forgive someone if we are unable to acknowledge or face our feelings about them.</p>
<p>So with all this in mind, it might be hard for the Roy children to forgive Logan straight away. Theirs was a fraught and complicated relationship. Their journey to forgiveness and through grief might take time but that is normal.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/204220/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Sam Carr does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
The three Roy children had a love-hate relationship with their father so losing him has thrown up some difficult feelings they may feel they have to ignore.
Sam Carr, Reader in Education with Psychology and Centre for Death and Society, University of Bath
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/189514
2022-09-29T13:10:29Z
2022-09-29T13:10:29Z
Yom Kippur: What does Judaism actually say about forgiveness?
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486185/original/file-20220922-34619-fercfo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=6%2C3%2C1016%2C748&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Two women embrace before a Yom Kippur service held outdoors during the COVID-19 pandemic in Los Angeles. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/rebeka-small-right-hugs-jennifer-galperson-before-the-yom-news-photo/1235386892?adppopup=true">Al Seib/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The Jewish High Holidays include Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Traditionally, Jews view the holidays as a chance to reflect on our shortcomings, make amends and seek forgiveness, both from other people and from the Almighty.</p>
<p>Jews pray and fast on Yom Kippur to demonstrate their remorse and to focus on reconciliation. According to Jewish tradition, it is at the end of this solemn period that God seals his decision about each person’s fate for the coming year. Congregations recite a prayer called <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Unetaneh_Tokef.4?lang=bi">the “Unetanah Tokef</a>,” which recalls God’s power to decide “who shall live and who shall die, who shall reach the ends of his days and who shall not” – an ancient text that Leonard Cohen popularized with his song “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=251Blni2AE4">Who by Fire</a>.”</p>
<p>Forgiveness and related concepts, such as compassion, are central virtues in many religions. What’s more, research has shown that it is <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00320">psychologically beneficial</a>. </p>
<p>But each religious tradition has its own particular views about forgiveness, as well, including Judaism. As <a href="https://search.asu.edu/profile/970085">a psychologist of religion</a>, I have done research on these similarities and differences when it comes to forgiveness.</p>
<h2>Person to person</h2>
<p>Several specific attitudes about forgiveness are reflected in <a href="https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/mahzor-contents/">the liturgy of the Jewish High Holidays</a>, so those who go to services are likely to be aware of them – even if they skip out for a snack.</p>
<p>In Jewish theology, only the victim has the right to forgive an offense against another person, and an offender should repent toward the victim before forgiveness can take place. Someone who has hurt another person <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/sheets/189688?lang=bi">must sincerely apologize three times</a>. If the victim still withholds forgiveness, the offender is considered forgiven, and the victim now shares the blame.</p>
<p>The 10-day period known as the “Days of Awe” – Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and the days between – is <a href="https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/989859/jewish/Asking-Forgiveness.htm">a popular time for forgiveness</a>. Observant Jews reach out to friends and family they have wronged over the past year so that they can enter Yom Kippur services with a clean conscience and hope they have done all they can to mitigate God’s judgment.</p>
<p>The teaching that only a victim can forgive someone implies that God cannot forgive offenses between people until the relevant people have forgiven each other. It also means that some offenses, <a href="https://www.yadvashem.org/articles/academic/dilemma-of-forgiveness.html">such as the Holocaust</a>, <a href="https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1010092/jewish/Should-We-Forgive-the-Nazis.htm">can never be forgiven</a>, because those martyred are dead and unable to forgive.</p>
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<img alt="Many people dressed in black and white stand in a courtyard between ancient walls." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486187/original/file-20220922-8022-cih6c1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Thousands of Jewish pilgrims attend penitential prayers at the Western Wall in Jerusalem ahead of the Jewish High Holiday of Rosh Hashana.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/thousands-of-jewish-pilgrims-attend-the-selichot-prayers-at-news-photo/1235077833?adppopup=true">Menahem Kahana/AFP via Getty Images</a></span>
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<h2>To forgive or not to forgive?</h2>
<p>In <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=wKkzdPAAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao">psychological research</a>, I have found that most Jewish and Christian participants endorse the views of forgiveness espoused by their religions.</p>
<p>As in Judaism, most Christian teachings encourage people to ask and give forgiveness for harms done to one another. But they tend to teach that more sins should be forgiven – and can be, by God, because Jesus’ death <a href="https://www.britannica.com/topic/atonement-religion">atoned vicariously for people’s sins</a>.</p>
<p>Even in Christianity, not all offenses are forgivable. The New Testament describes <a href="https://www.biola.edu/blogs/good-book-blog/2021/what-is-the-unforgiveable-sin-what-is-blasphemy-against-the-spirit">blaspheming against the Holy Spirit</a> as an unforgivable sin. And Catholicism teaches that there is a category called “<a href="https://www.usccb.org/sites/default/files/flipbooks/catechism/456/">mortal sins</a>,” which cut off sinners from God’s grace unless they repent.</p>
<p>One of my research papers, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00370.x">consisting of three studies</a>, shows that a majority of Jewish participants believe that some offenses are too severe to forgive; that it doesn’t make sense to ask someone other than the victim about forgiveness; and that forgiveness is not offered unconditionally, but after the offender has tried to make things right.</p>
<p>Take this specific example: In <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00370.x">one of my research studies</a> I asked Jewish and Christian participants if they thought a Jew should forgive a dying Nazi soldier who requested forgiveness for killing Jews. This scenario is described in “<a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/190370/the-sunflower-by-simon-wiesenthal/9780805210606/readers-guide/">The Sunflower</a>” by <a href="https://encyclopedia.ushmm.org/content/en/article/nazi-hunting-simon-wiesenthal">Simon Wiesenthal</a>, a writer and Holocaust survivor famous for his efforts to prosecute German war criminals.</p>
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<img alt="A color photograph of an older, balding man in a blue shirt and striped tie." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=920&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=920&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=920&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1156&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1156&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/486190/original/file-20220922-32908-k1wxx8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1156&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Simon Wiesenthal at the White House during the Reagan administration.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/hunter-of-nazi-war-criminals-simon-wiesenthal-at-white-news-photo/72431898?adppopup=true">Diana Walker/The Chronicle Collection via Getty Images</a></span>
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<p>Jewish participants often didn’t think the question made sense: How could someone else – someone living – forgive the murder of another person? The Christian participants, on the other hand, who were all Protestants, usually said to forgive. They agreed more often with statements like “Mr. Wiesenthal should have forgiven the SS soldier” and “Mr. Wiesenthal would have done the virtuous thing if he forgave the soldier.”</p>
<p>It’s not just about the Holocaust. We <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00370.x">also asked</a> about a more everyday scenario – imagining that a student plagiarized a paper that participants’ friends had written, and then asked the participants for forgiveness – and saw similar results.</p>
<p>Jewish people have a wide variety of opinions on these topics, though, as they do in all things. “Two Jews, three opinions!” as the old saying goes. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/pac0000056">In other studies</a> with my co-researchers, we showed that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327949pac1201_5">Holocaust survivors</a>, as well as Jewish American college students born well after the Holocaust, vary widely in how tolerant they are of German people and products. Some are perfectly fine with traveling to Germany and having German friends, and others are unwilling to even listen to Beethoven.</p>
<p>In these studies, the key variable that seems to distinguish Jewish people who are OK with Germans and Germany from those who are not is to what extent they associate all Germans with Nazism. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327949pac1201_5">Among the Holocaust survivors</a>, for example, survivors who had been born in Germany – and would have known German people before the war – were more tolerant than those whose first, perhaps only, exposure to Germans had been in the camps.</p>
<h2>Forgiveness is good for you – or is it?</h2>
<p>American society – where about <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/religious-landscape-study/">7 in 10 people identify as Christian</a> – generally views forgiveness as a positive virtue. What’s more, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/0887044042000196674">research has found</a> there are <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-45272-009">emotional</a> and physical benefits to letting go of grudges.</p>
<p>But does this mean forgiveness is always the answer? To me, it’s an open question. </p>
<p>For example, future research could explore whether forgiveness is always psychologically beneficial, or only when it aligns with the would-be forgiver’s religious views. </p>
<p>If you are observing Yom Kippur, remember that – as with every topic – Judaism has a wide and, well, forgiving view of what is acceptable when it comes to forgiveness.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/189514/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Adam B. Cohen does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Many religions value forgiveness, but the details of their teachings differ. A psychologist of religion explains how Christian and Jewish attitudes compare.
Adam B. Cohen, Professor of Psychology, Arizona State University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/183782
2022-07-26T11:57:15Z
2022-07-26T11:57:15Z
Proclaim debt amnesty throughout all the land? A biblical solution to a present-day problem
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/475172/original/file-20220720-11760-dzfe0b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=14%2C11%2C2481%2C1860&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Part of a restoration edict of Ammisaduqa, one of the rulers of ancient Babylon.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.britishmuseum.org/collection/image/339237001">© The Trustees of the British Museum</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/">CC BY-NC-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Student loan debt is one of the most burdensome forms of debt in America today. According to oft-cited statistics, <a href="https://studentaid.gov/data-center/student/portfolio">approximately 43 million Americans</a> have student loan debt, cumulatively amounting to <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2022/05/06/this-is-how-student-loan-debt-became-a-1point7-trillion-crisis.html">around US$1.7 trillion</a>. The exorbitant costs of higher education in the United States, combined with the fact that educational credentials serve as a ticket to decent employment, require many students to take out loans that follow them long past graduation – and that are almost impossible to <a href="https://theconversation.com/can-student-loans-be-cleared-through-bankruptcy-4-questions-answered-166308">discharge in bankruptcy</a>. </p>
<p>Hence, calls for cancellation of student loan debt by legislative or executive action keep intensifying, and President Joe Biden is expected to respond by <a href="https://www.chronicle.com/article/how-would-student-loan-forgiveness-really-work?utm_source=Iterable&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=campaign_4436193_nl_Academe-Today_date_20220609&cid=at&source=ams&sourceid=&cid2=gen_login_refresh">ordering cancellation of some amount</a>, notwithstanding arguments against any blanket debt amnesty.</p>
<p>Yet this very policy is inscribed on <a href="https://www.nps.gov/inde/learn/historyculture/stories-libertybell.htm">the U.S. Liberty Bell</a>. “Proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof!” it declares, quoting <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Leviticus.25.10?lang=bi&aliyot=0">the biblical Book of Leviticus, 25:10</a>. The Hebrew word translated “liberty,” “derōr,” actually refers to debt amnesty.</p>
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<img alt="A large bell is displayed on a stand, with a shady courtyard in the background." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/475220/original/file-20220720-16-pwtyo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/475220/original/file-20220720-16-pwtyo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=408&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475220/original/file-20220720-16-pwtyo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=408&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475220/original/file-20220720-16-pwtyo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=408&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475220/original/file-20220720-16-pwtyo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=513&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475220/original/file-20220720-16-pwtyo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=513&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475220/original/file-20220720-16-pwtyo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=513&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">The Liberty Bell, with its famous crack, in Philadelphia.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/close-up-of-the-liberty-bell-news-photo/144082290?adppopup=true">Joe Sohm/Visions of America/Universal Images Group via Getty Images</a></span>
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<p>In the world of the Bible, it was customary to cancel all noncommercial debts from time to time. As <a href="https://cla.umn.edu/about/directory/profile/vonda001">a scholar of the ancient Near East</a>, I’ve read many cuneiform tablets that record how people then – like Americans today – often went into debt to meet living expenses. They might mortgage their property to keep a roof over their heads, only to find that ever-accruing interest made it impossible to pay off the principal. </p>
<p>They faced the additional risk of debt bondage: People lacking sufficient property to secure their debts would have to pledge their dependents or even their own selves to their creditors. <a href="https://brill.com/view/title/7176">Their creditors thus became their masters</a>, and those pledged for debt were effectively enslaved, unless and until they were redeemed. A decree of debt amnesty would wipe the slate clean, springing people from bondage and restoring their freedom as well as their fortunes.</p>
<h2>Kings clean the slate</h2>
<p>The earliest recorded instances of this practice come from ancient Sumer, a land in the south of what is now Iraq. <a href="http://oracc.museum.upenn.edu/etcsri/corpus">Urukagina</a>, ruler of the city of Lagash around 2400 B.C., decreed a debt amnesty soon after he came to power, releasing people living in debt bondage to go home and even clearing the prisons. In the Sumerian language, this amnesty was termed “<a href="http://psd.museum.upenn.edu/nepsd-frame.html">amargi</a>” – “return to mother” – for it restored people to their families.</p>
<p>Urukagina was not the first to issue such a decree, and it may already have become traditional by his time. The practice of decreeing debt amnesty is widely documented in the Semitic-speaking kingdoms of Syria and Mesopotamia during the early second millennium B.C. Debt amnesty was routinely triggered by the death of a ruler: His successor would <a href="http://www.archibab.fr/T16766">raise a golden torch</a> and decree “andurāru,” or “restoration” – the Akkadian equivalent of Hebrew “deror.” The stated purpose of such decrees was to establish or reestablish equity. A king’s foremost duty was to maintain “justice and equity,” as Hammurabi of Babylon claimed to do when promulgating <a href="https://collections.louvre.fr/en/ark:/53355/cl010174436">his laws</a> around 1750 B.C.</p>
<p>While lending at interest was not considered unjust, debt that deprived families of their property and liberty created inequity, which had to be remedied. A decree of “andurāru” restored equity, liberty and family property by canceling debts incurred for subsistence – including tax arrears owed to the state – while leaving commercial debts untouched. When Hammurabi was on his deathbed, his son Samsu-iluna took power and <a href="http://www.archibab.fr/4dcgi/listestextes3.htm?T13">issued a decree</a> remitting noncommercial debts, canceling arrears and forbidding their collection; thus, he declared, “I have established restoration throughout the land.” </p>
<p>A decree of restoration could also be issued to address political or economic crisis. The usurper or conqueror, having subjected a people to his rule, could establish their “restoration,” both remitting debts and enabling those captured during hostilities to go free. Hammurabi himself did this <a href="https://www.bloomsbury.com/us/hammurabi-of-babylon-9781350197787/">upon conquering the kingdom of Larsa</a>, which was part of ancient Sumer.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A stone relief shows two men with long beards: one standing, with a hand to his mouth, the other seated and holding a staff." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/475894/original/file-20220725-12-p1oza7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/475894/original/file-20220725-12-p1oza7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=752&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475894/original/file-20220725-12-p1oza7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=752&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475894/original/file-20220725-12-p1oza7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=752&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475894/original/file-20220725-12-p1oza7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=945&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475894/original/file-20220725-12-p1oza7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=945&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/475894/original/file-20220725-12-p1oza7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=945&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Detail of a relief of King Hammurabi before the sun-god Shamash, from a stone stele inscribed with his proclamation of laws and dedicated around 1750 B.C., discovered at Susa in present-day Iran.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/diorite-stela-with-the-code-of-hammurabi-detail-showing-the-news-photo/142931321?adppopup=true">DEA / G. Dagli Orti/DeAgostini via Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Thus the conqueror could pose as a liberator setting a disordered realm to rights. The idea was to restore the inhabitants of the land to their original condition, before incurring debt, losing their property or losing their liberty.</p>
<h2>Not so forgiving</h2>
<p>The issuance of debt-canceling decrees was sporadic, not periodic, so one never knew when it would occur. But everyone knew it would happen sooner or later. Financiers would therefore prepare for this eventuality to avoid taking losses whenever debts were abruptly remitted and their collection prohibited. They used various methods to insulate transactions and investments from debt remission – because otherwise who would ever offer credit to those in need? </p>
<p>They <a href="https://doi.org/10.1086/699392">developed legal fictions</a> to disguise mortgage loans, debt bondage, and the like as contracts of other kinds, avoiding their cancellation by decree. The <a href="https://www.kriso.ee/context-scripture-volume-2-monumental-inscriptions-db-9789004106192.html?lang=eng">decree of Ammi-ṣaduqa</a>, a king of Babylon in the 17th century B.C., explicitly prohibits such subterfuge, but regulation was a step behind entrepreneurs. Clever financial instruments immunized debt from amnesty and kept credit, as well as profit, flowing.</p>
<p>Ultimately a program for periodic debt cancellation was developed in biblical law. <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Deuteronomy.15?lang=bi&aliyot=0">The Book of Deuteronomy</a> requires remission of debts among Israelites every seventh year, using the term “šemiṭṭah” – “remission” – and stipulating that every creditor should remit the debt owed him. <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Leviticus.25.10?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en">The Book of Leviticus</a> adds the requirement to proclaim amnesty, Hebrew “deror,” after every seventh cycle of seven years, restoring every Israelite to his property and family in the 50th year – <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Leviticus.25.9?lang=bi&aliyot=0">the jubilee</a> year. Recognizing that a predictable debt amnesty would only make creditors’ planning easier, <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Deuteronomy.15?lang=bi&aliyot=0">Deuteronomy 15:9</a> warns against refusing to lend as the seventh year approaches. </p>
<p>The biblical authors must have had some experience with creditors’ efforts to evade the requirement to remit debts. According to <a href="https://www.sefaria.org/Jeremiah.34.9?lang=bi">the Book of Jeremiah</a>, when Zedekiah, the last king of Judah, decreed “deror” in the face of the Babylonian invasion of 587 B.C., creditors agreed to release their enslaved fellow Judeans, then found ways to force them back into bondage.</p>
<p>Not only was the ostensible purpose of debt-remission decrees <a href="https://doi.org/10.1086/699392">defeated by creative credit instruments</a>, the true purpose of such decrees was not to fix the problems that made them necessary. People would still need to go into debt to survive, pay their taxes and keep a roof over their heads. They would still risk impoverishment, debt bondage and eventual enslavement. Sporadic debt cancellation did not eliminate chronic indebtedness, nor was it meant to.</p>
<p>Instead, the function of such decrees was to restore socioeconomic balance – and the tax base – enough that the cycle of borrowing to survive could start over. In a sense, debt amnesty actually served to restore society to its ideal state of inequity, so that it would always need the same remedy again.</p>
<p>This dynamic is worth considering amid calls for canceling student loan debt. Certainly a student debt amnesty would benefit <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2022/05/22/student-loan-borrowers/">millions</a> whose lives are shackled by interest on loans they took out in the hope that a degree would guarantee them gainful employment. It would do nothing to <a href="https://wdet.org/2020/12/09/forgiving-student-loans-wont-fix-the-root-cause-of-the-student-debt-crisis/">address the problems</a> that make incurring such debt necessary. </p>
<p>As long as higher education is treated simultaneously as a private good and a job requirement, people will still need to go into debt to get degrees. Then the same remedy will have to be applied again.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/183782/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Eva von Dassow was awarded a fellowship funded by the National Endowment for the Humanities at the American Academy in Rome (2016). </span></em></p>
A scholar of the ancient Near East explains how loan forgiveness was handled thousands of years ago in the Bible and royal decrees.
Eva von Dassow, Associate professor of Ancient History, University of Minnesota
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/177248
2022-02-18T03:07:57Z
2022-02-18T03:07:57Z
Morrison’s Christian empathy needs to be about more than just prayer – it requires action, too
<p>Over the past week, Australians have heard Scott Morrison make several explicit references to his faith. Given Morrison has placed his faith front and centre of his public persona, it is helpful to try to understand how he perceives his faith and how it might intersect with his job as prime minister. </p>
<p>For me, Morrison’s recent comments about faith and prayer reveal a pattern of human passivity, dependence on divine intervention, and potential abnegation of power. </p>
<p>For example, in his <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNQxLQRdX4Y">60 Minutes interview</a>, Morrison’s response to a question about his empathy was:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I’ve worn out the carpet on the side of my bed […] on my knees, praying and praying […] praying for those who are losing loved ones, praying for those who couldn’t go to family funerals, praying for those who are exhausted […]</p>
</blockquote>
<p>To be fair to Morrison, it would be odd for a person of any faith not to include prayer as part of their expression of concern for those who suffer or struggle. Such an approach has a long tradition. But we might expect more than just prayer from a devout Christian who also happens to be the prime minister. </p>
<p>In this response, he appears to prioritise prayer over action, which is astonishing given the power he holds due to his position. In the Christian tradition, prayer informs and even motivates action; it does not replace it. Such a response is also, of course, a way of signalling his piety to certain constituents.</p>
<p>It is not an isolated example. Take, for instance, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/apr/26/scott-morrison-tells-christian-conference-he-was-called-to-do-gods-work-as-prime-minister">his address to the Australian Christian Churches National Conference</a> in 2021, where he told the crowd:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I can’t fix the world, I can’t save the world, but we both believe in someone who can.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>That someone, of course, is God.</p>
<p>On the one hand, it shows admirable humility to acknowledge that even the prime minister cannot “fix the world”. But in alluding to the “someone who can”, Morrison appears to be giving over his agency and responsibility to God. Leave it up to God to act. </p>
<p>More recently, in a <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/national/pm-prompts-fury-by-looking-for-forgiveness-14-years-after-rudd-s-apology-20220214-p59weu.html">speech</a> commemorating 14 years since the Rudd government’s “sorry” to Indigenous peoples, Morrison shifted the focus to forgiveness, which sparked fury. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/447190/original/file-20220218-15-16adff9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/447190/original/file-20220218-15-16adff9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447190/original/file-20220218-15-16adff9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447190/original/file-20220218-15-16adff9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447190/original/file-20220218-15-16adff9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447190/original/file-20220218-15-16adff9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447190/original/file-20220218-15-16adff9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Morrison shifting the focus to ‘forgiveness’ in a speech commemorating the apology to the Stolen Generations sparked fury this week.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Mick Tsikas/AAP</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Morrison explicitly stated that forgiveness was an individual, not a “corporate” matter, expressing a hope for the kind of healing that came through forgiveness. His desire to move from apology to individual forgiveness is entirely consistent with his stated spirituality which emphasises individual and personal faith. </p>
<p>But it is also theologically thin. Trawloolway man and theologian <a href="https://uncommonprayers.blogspot.com/2022/02/">Garry Deverell</a> was quick to point out the prime minister had missed a step. In the Christian tradition, no apology can insist on forgiveness, and seeking forgiveness for harm done requires repentance, acts of restitution, and attempts to address injustice. The spiritual cannot be divorced from the physical, tangible, social, and political dimensions of life.</p>
<p>While acknowledging, rightly, that forgiveness is hard and cannot be earned, Morrison had put the onus on those wounded by systemic justice to do the work of forgiveness, rather than on those with power to do the work of restitution. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/christians-in-australia-are-not-persecuted-and-it-is-insulting-to-argue-they-are-96351">Christians in Australia are not persecuted, and it is insulting to argue they are</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Prayer and action go hand in hand</h2>
<p>There’s a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_drowning_man#:%7E:text=The%20parable%20of%20the%20drowning,that%20God%20will%20save%20him.">classic story</a> that does the rounds in Christian circles of a guy who gets trapped when his town floods. In a desperate attempt to avoid the rising floodwaters he climbs onto his roof and prays to God to save him. </p>
<p>Soon a rescue crew in a boat come past and invite him into their boat, but he refuses. “God will save me,” he says. </p>
<p>Later a helicopter flies by and a man descends on a rope. He is offered a way off the roof by the rescue crew, but again he refuses. “God will save me.” </p>
<p>Eventually the man dies and goes to heaven, but he is confused. “Why didn’t you save me God?” he asks. “I’ve been a faithful Christian my whole life.” </p>
<p>And God replies: “What do you mean I didn’t save you? I sent a boat and a helicopter. You refused them both.”</p>
<p>Such parabolic stories demonstrate a Christian theological belief that God works through and with human activity, not despite it. It points to the need to integrate belief, prayer and action.</p>
<p>Theology – how we think and talk about God – matters precisely because of its implications for human activity. I have no reason to doubt that when Morrison talks about his faith he is sincere, and when he expresses his care for people primarily through prayer he is behaving in a normal way for his faith community. Yet this kind of passivity and trust in divine intervention is not the only or even the fullest expression of Christian faith. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/447200/original/file-20220218-7720-1nrapxa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/447200/original/file-20220218-7720-1nrapxa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=371&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447200/original/file-20220218-7720-1nrapxa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=371&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447200/original/file-20220218-7720-1nrapxa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=371&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447200/original/file-20220218-7720-1nrapxa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=466&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447200/original/file-20220218-7720-1nrapxa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=466&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447200/original/file-20220218-7720-1nrapxa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=466&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Morrison’s faith is no doubt sincere. But God’s work requires action as well as prayer.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Mick Tsikas/AAP</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Faith and power should integrate, not separate</h2>
<p>The danger of emphasising personal prayer as the primary expression of Christian care is that social responsibility can be abdicated. Pray and leave it up to God can be a cop-out, particularly for those with power. It can be a way to ignore systemic injustice by reducing faith to something personal and private.</p>
<p>As Brittany Higgins put it so eloquently in her <a href="https://www.news.com.au/finance/work/leaders/scott-morrison-not-attending-grace-tame-brittany-higgins-npc-address-but-will-be-paying-attention/news-story/1064a9ae967aed25bec83c21b28065db">recent National Press Club address</a>: “I didn’t want his sympathy as a father, I wanted him to use his power as prime minister.”</p>
<p>Theologians like Dietrich Bonhoeffer offer an alternative expression of Christian faith. Bonhoeffer lived and wrote during the early 20th-century rise of Nazism in Germany. In his well-known book The Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer writes about “cheap grace”, which is the kind of faith that wants forgiveness without actual repentance, and justice or peace without personal cost. Cheap grace wants the inner spiritual resolution without the outward costly work. </p>
<p>For Bonhoeffer, that outward work included vocal criticism of the Nazi regime and of Christians who were silent bystanders. Bonhoeffer saw the way of Jesus was one that demanded practical help for victims of injustice and, where necessary, resistance to government. Arrested for conspiring to rescue Jews, Bonhoeffer was imprisoned before being executed at the Flossenbürg concentration camp in 1945.</p>
<p>Not every Christian needs to become a martyr, but <a href="https://uncommonprayers.blogspot.com/2021/04/scott-morrison-and-speaking-publicly.html">as Garry Deverell writes</a>: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>The Christian is called not to separate but to integrate their faith and their public presence, work or office.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>This broader view of faith is seen in <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/nov/22/if-scott-morrison-acted-on-his-strong-christian-faith-he-would-phase-out-coal">the call of Tim Costello</a> for the prime minister to act on his faith when it comes to climate change, or in the urging of church leaders for more compassionate action for refugees based on Christian values. After all, <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25%3A37-40&version=NRSV">Jesus teaches</a> that whatever one does for the least among us (defined as those who are hungry, poor or imprisoned) one does for Jesus. </p>
<p>Morrison is not the first prime minister to be a person of deep faith, nor will he be the last. That is not the issue. All politicians are informed by their value systems and beliefs, regardless of the religious or non-religious traditions that shape them. </p>
<p>Neither am I criticising Morrison for speaking out about his faith. I am, however, critical of the highly individualistic, spiritualised version of faith Morrison espouses, which allows him to shirk personal responsibility and action when convenient. </p>
<p>There are millions of faithful Christians in this country who also wear out the carpet in prayer every week. The difference is they do not hold the highest office in the land, nor have Morrison’s power to enact change.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/177248/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Robyn J. Whitaker does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
It is not unusual that Morrison talks about prayer in his responses. But we might expect more than just prayer from a devout Christian who also happens to be prime minister.
Robyn J. Whitaker, Senior Lecturer in New Testament, Pilgrim Theological College, University of Divinity
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/175747
2022-01-26T16:31:06Z
2022-01-26T16:31:06Z
Revenge: the neuroscience of why it feels good in the moment, but may be a bad idea in the long run
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/442992/original/file-20220127-7574-184qk5a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Do NOT do this!</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/hand-screwdriver-large-nail-scratching-paint-1626953215">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The UK prime minister, Boris Johnson, is fighting to stay in power after it emerged that he attended several parties during the country’s strict lockdowns in 2020 and 2021. His former adviser Dominic Cummings, who was sacked by Johnson in 2020, has been accused of being the mastermind behind <a href="https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk-politics/2022/01/is-dominic-cummings-behind-the-downing-street-party-leaks">a number of carefully orchestrated leaks</a> about the gatherings – amounting to a <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/news/politics/1533840/dominic-cummings-hate-boris-johnson-row-evg">pretty spectacular case of revenge</a>. </p>
<p>Most of us have dreamt about revenge at some point in our lives, and perhaps even achieved it. But is it ultimately a good idea – will it make us wiser and happier in the long term?</p>
<p>They say that revenge is sweet, and there is evidence from neuroscience that they are right. In a <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15333831/">2004 study published in Science</a>, researchers scanned participants’ brains using <a href="https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/treatment-tests-and-therapies/positron-emission-tomography-pet">positron emission tomography (PET)</a> while they played an economic game which centred on trust, and sometimes led to vengeful actions. </p>
<p>The game went as follows: two male players interacted anonymously with each other, person A and person B. Each started the game with ten money units. Person A made the first decision, he could either transfer his ten units to person B or keep them for himself. If he transferred the money, the experimenter quadrupled the amount that person B received to 40 units, so B then had 50 units. Person B could now send back half of this (25 units) to A or send nothing at all. If B acted in a trustworthy manner and sent back half the money, they both ended up with 25 units – a big profit on the ten they had each started out with. But if B violated A’s trust and sent back nothing, B ended up with all 50 units. If A failed to trust B and didn’t transfer any money in the first place they both ended up with 10 units. </p>
<p>The experimenters were interested in A’s judgements of unfairness when B kept all the money, as well as their desire to punish B, plus their actual punishment of B by removing money units from them in their next move in the game. The experimenters were also interested in changes in activity in certain regions of A’s brain as they sought revenge.</p>
<p>When trust was violated in this way, participants reported that they wanted revenge, and this was reflected in increased activity in the reward-related regions of the brain, <a href="https://neuroscientificallychallenged.com/posts/know-your-brain-striatum">the dorsal striatum</a>. Revenge, in other words, is all about feeling good, rather than feeling bad. They also found that those participants with the strongest activity in this region were willing to incur greater personal costs (with money units deducted from their own account) to get their revenge.</p>
<p>Some argue that revenge <a href="https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/abs/10.1086/293238">is mainly about punishing transgression</a> and maintaining the social order. But the fact that it can make you feel so good while you anticipate the effects should not be neglected. </p>
<h2>The dilemma of revenge</h2>
<p>This isn’t necessarily the case <em>after</em> an act of revenge, however. In a <a href="http://wjh-www.harvard.edu/%7Edtg/CARLSMITH,%20WILSON,%20&%20GILBERT%20%282008%29.pdf">2008 study</a>, researchers found that people often reported far more negative mood immediately after engaging in an act of revenge.</p>
<p><a href="https://reader.elsevier.com/reader/sd/pii/S0022103116302554?token=0A5E6BC5AA38D8F9962E45EDA0C8E4661E9937D1EAC2224DE9901AE40C37DCE1A0E449D067ABE7F8F7F7DB929A18D3AB&originRegion=eu-west-1&originCreation=20220126143458">Another study</a> introduced a wider range of measures to assess these psychological effects. In addition to probing the mood state of participants after they contemplated an act of revenge, the researchers also included a computational analysis of the language the participants used while writing about their thoughts and feelings about the event, and a more detailed analysis of their overall emotional responses rather than just transient mood. </p>
<p>Their conclusion was that participants reported a mix of emotions. Revenge is not always sweet, rather “revenge is bittersweet” (hardly as punchy a phrase admittedly). This means that revenge actually has the capacity to trigger both positive and negative emotions (including feeling tense, uncertain and having a sense of dread).</p>
<p>This in many senses is the dilemma of revenge. Revenge seems so appealing and so rewarding, making the brain’s reward centres positively glow. But whilst planning the revenge may feel wonderful, afterwards it may be a different story. </p>
<p>The longer-term effect depends on so many other factors – including how your feelings change about the original act and whether you can now empathise with the perpetrator and understand it from their point of view. How you feel about the personality of the perpetrator and whether they can repair their behaviour without you having to exact revenge also matters, as does whether they have the capacity for change and apologise in a meaningful way. </p>
<p>Even time itself can affect how the revenge feels. This makes it hard to work out whether there are any longer-term psychological benefits.</p>
<h2>Other options</h2>
<p>So, what should you do instead of taking revenge when you are wronged? Just bottle things up? This can sometimes be very hard, as we all know. One study explicitly <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/6763318_Writing_about_the_Benefits_of_Interpersonal_Transgression_Facilitates_Forgiveness">instructed participants to write</a> about hurtful events, focusing on the personal benefits like how it changed them for the better, to see if that could help them let go of their need for revenge.</p>
<p>The participants wrote that they had “grown stronger”, “discovered unknown strengths”, and had “become wiser” thanks to the experience. They also said it had “allowed for new experiences”. Writing about the events in this way meant that they were able to forgive the perpetrator and were less likely to seek revenge. They also suffered less longer-term stress and anger, ultimately boosting their psychological well-being.</p>
<p>Perhaps modern neuroscience hasn’t quite caught up with the complexity of real-life revenge. We don’t know how it behaves over time, for example. Maybe the dorsal striatum lights up with force every time you sit down and plan revenge over a prolonged period, or perhaps the feeling of anticipated reward becomes less intense over time. Maybe then you must plan more and more extreme acts of revenge to get the same neurophysiological and psychological hit. Time will tell.</p>
<p>Either way, like many things in life, anticipation is often better than the actual experience. So revenge-plotters out there should take note: the actual deed may not quite live up to your expectation.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/175747/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Geoff Beattie does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Thinking about revenge makes the brain’s reward centres light up.
Geoff Beattie, Professor of Psychology, Edge Hill University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/172466
2022-01-07T13:30:25Z
2022-01-07T13:30:25Z
Regret can be all-consuming – a neurobehavioral scientist explains how people can overcome it
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436779/original/file-20211209-17-1vrc7f8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=46%2C0%2C5123%2C3343&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Regret can increase stress and negatively affect one's physical health.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/hispanic-woman-using-computer-royalty-free-image/633709893?adppopup=true">JGI/Tom Grill via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>A friend of mine – we will call him “Jay” – was working for IBM in New York City in the early ‘90s. He was a computer programmer and made a good salary. Occasionally, competitors and startups approached Jay to join their companies. He had an offer from an interesting but small organization in Seattle, but the salary was paltry and most of the offer package was in company shares. After consulting with friends and his parents, Jay declined the offer and stayed with IBM. He has regretted it ever since. That small company was Microsoft. </p>
<p>Regret is a very real reaction to a disappointing event in your life, a choice you made that can’t be changed, something you said that you can’t take back. It’s one of those feelings you can’t seem to shake, a heavy and intrusive negative emotion that can last for minutes, days, years <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201205/the-psychology-regret">or even a lifetime</a>. Imaging studies reveal that feelings of regret show <a href="https://doi.org/10.1038/nn1514">increased activity</a> in an area of the brain called the medial orbitofrontal cortex.</p>
<p>Dealing with regret is even more difficult because of the other negative emotions connected to it: remorse, sorrow and helplessness. Regret can increase our stress, <a href="https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/03/110301111503.htm">negatively affect physical health</a> and throw off the balance of hormone and immune systems. Regret is not only unpleasant. It is unhealthy. </p>
<p><a href="https://med.virginia.edu/psychiatry/faculty/jennifer-penberthy-phd/">As a licensed clinical psychologist</a> at the University of Virginia School of Medicine, I conduct research on stressful emotions. Through this work, I help patients overcome regret, move on with their lives and grow. And that is the good news: Regret can be overcome through interventions like therapy and <a href="https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-handle-regret">evidence-based strategies</a>. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A man in session with a female therapist." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/437969/original/file-20211216-27-7su3l7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/437969/original/file-20211216-27-7su3l7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437969/original/file-20211216-27-7su3l7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437969/original/file-20211216-27-7su3l7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437969/original/file-20211216-27-7su3l7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437969/original/file-20211216-27-7su3l7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437969/original/file-20211216-27-7su3l7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Therapy can help people consumed with regret to face their feelings and develop resilience.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/counselling-session-royalty-free-image/1290168821?adppopup=true">FatCamera/E+ via Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>A 'sense of stuckness’</h2>
<p>There are basically two ways to experience regret: One is what researchers refer to as the action path and the other is the inaction path. That is, we can regret the things we did – or we can regret <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.82.3.314">the things we did not do</a>. </p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000326">Research suggests</a> that action-related regrets, although painful, spur people to learn from their mistakes and move on. But regret related to the inaction path – the things undone, the opportunities lost – is harder to fix. This kind of regret is more likely to lead to depression, anxiety, a sense of “stuckness” and a feeling of longing over <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000326">not knowing what could have been</a>. </p>
<p>As with other negative emotions, it doesn’t work to avoid, deny or try to squash regret. In the long run, these tactics only increase negative feelings and prolong the time you suffer with them. Rather than stay stuck, people can manage these emotions in four steps: First, accept the fact that you are feeling them; determine why you are feeling them; allow yourself to learn from them; and finally, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2015.1078292">release them and move forward</a>. </p>
<p>You can help release these feelings of regret by practicing self-compassion. This means reminding yourself that you are human, you are doing the best you can, and you can learn from past decisions and grow. Showing this compassion to yourself can help you accept and move past the regret. </p>
<p>Accepting that you have feelings of regret does not mean that you like these feelings. It just means you know they are there. It also helps to identify the specific emotion you’re feeling. Instead of telling yourself, “I feel bad,” say “This is me, feeling regret.” Simple as it sounds, the semantic difference has a big emotional impact. </p>
<h2>Accept, acknowledge and forgive yourself</h2>
<p>Acknowledging your thoughts and feelings can bring <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2018.04.002">relief from strong negative emotions</a>. In Jay’s case, he could remind himself that he had no crystal ball. Instead, he made the best decision he could, given the information he had at the time, and given the same circumstances, most of his contemporaries would have made the same decision. </p>
<p>This method of noticing and then restructuring your thoughts is sometimes called <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Living-Mindfully-Across-the-Lifespan-An-Intergenerational-Guide/Penberthy-Penberthy/p/book/9780367370152">cognitive reappraisal</a>. Seeing the situation in a different way may help reduce regret and help you <a href="https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-handle-regret">make future decisions</a>. </p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2015.1078292">Forgiving yourself</a> for actions taken or not taken is a powerful step toward overcoming regret. This has been formalized into a commonly used cognitive psychological model called <a href="https://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/reach-forgiveness">REACH</a>, which asks people to recall the hurt (face it), empathize (be kind and compassionate), altruistically offer forgiveness (to oneself), commit publicly (share it) and then hold on to that forgiveness and <a href="https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00671">stay true to the decision</a>. Research shows that six hours of work with a trained professional using this model <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22073">can have a positive impact</a>. </p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ka8L1YMR88U?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">Author and journalist Kathryn Schulz reflects on the value of learning to embrace and make peace with regret.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>More knowledge = less regret</h2>
<p>At first, Jay pushed away his feelings of regret. He continued to struggle with thoughts of what he missed. He did not change until he approached and explored his feelings of regret, first with a friend and ultimately with a therapist. </p>
<p>[<em>Over 140,000 readers rely on The Conversation’s newsletters to understand the world.</em> <a href="https://memberservices.theconversation.com/newsletters/?source=inline-140ksignup">Sign up today</a>.]</p>
<p>Eventually, he accepted the pain of not knowing what might have happened, but also reminded himself of his rationale at the time, which was actually quite reasonable. He demonstrated compassion towards himself, and spoke to himself kindly, the way he would when talking to a loved one or close friend. Practicing this self-compassion allowed him to build resilience, move on from the negative emotions and ultimately forgive himself.</p>
<p>On making future decisions, Jay recognized the importance of obtaining as much information about opportunities as possible. He challenged himself to learn about the big players in the field. Doing so allowed him to overcome his regret and move forward. New opportunities came along. Jay, currently employed by another giant computer engineering company, is doing quite well for himself, and has been able to move beyond the regret of his past decision.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/172466/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>J. Kim Penberthy does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Remorse and sorrow from a bad choice can haunt you for years, even decades. But there are evidence-based ways to move past regret.
J. Kim Penberthy, Professor of Psychiatry and Neurobehavioral Sciences, University of Virginia
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/156701
2021-03-17T12:14:54Z
2021-03-17T12:14:54Z
The story of the Iranian new year, Nowruz, and why its themes of renewal and healing matter
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/389696/original/file-20210315-19-1p11fjj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=30%2C25%2C3357%2C2097&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">The celebration of Nowruz in Tehran in 2014.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://newsroom.ap.org/detail/MideastIranFireFestivalPhotoGallery/e9976aca0da64957b3fe37d096d846f8/photo?Query=Nowruz%20AND%20fire&mediaType=photo&sortBy=&dateRange=Anytime&totalCount=44&currentItemNo=4">AP Photo/Ebrahim Noroozi</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>As the days grow longer and the flowers start to bloom, my 7-year-old gets excited and exclaims, “Nowruz is coming.”</p>
<p>Nowruz – or “new day” in English – is the Iranian new year. Celebrated at the exact moment of the spring equinox, this is a secular festival with roots that go back over 3,000 years. It was <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/9781405166614.ch4">shaped by people of the Zoroastrian faith</a>, believed to be the world’s oldest religion. </p>
<p>An <a href="https://www.pardismahdavi.com/">Iranian American anthropologist</a>, I have spent much of my life studying my ancestral culture. Festivals like Nowruz have helped me and my children connect with the Earth and our traditions – and much more now than ever before.</p>
<h2>The story of Nowruz</h2>
<p>The celebration of Nowruz dates back to at least the 11th century A.D. In the Shahnameh – or “Book of Kings” – a text that dates to the first century, the <a href="http://www.heritageinstitute.com/zoroastrianism/aryans/prehistory.htm">story of King Jamshid</a> is told as part of the Nowruz origin story. </p>
<p>King Jamshid, the fourth king in an imagined dynasty, is introduced as the kindest and most knowledgeable ruler of Persia, the region that stretched from what is modern Turkey to Pakistan. Jamshid is <a href="https://www.ijac.org.uk/images/frontImages/gallery/Vol._4_No._6/11._89-99.pdf">referred to</a> in Zoroastrian texts from the first century as well. </p>
<p>The Shahnameh tells the story of a king who was very sensitive not only to his subjects but also to the rhythms of the Earth. King Jamshid noticed that during the long, dark winter months, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00210862.2014.1000617">his subjects descended into darkness</a> as the Earth worked to heal itself from the harvests of the fall. </p>
<p>When spring finally came and the Earth began to blossom after the healing period of winter, the king wanted to mark that as the start of the new year – a time of <a href="https://www.ijac.org.uk/images/frontImages/gallery/Vol._4_No._6/11._89-99.pdf">new beginnings</a> for people and the Earth. </p>
<p>But King Jamshid also noticed that during those dark winter months, many of his subjects had started to quarrel with one another, and injustice threatened to take over. The king decided to mark the beginning of Nowruz with a festival called <a href="https://iranicaonline.org/articles/caharsanba-suri">Shab-e-Charshanbeh Souri</a>, which translates as “Scarlet Wednesday.” </p>
<p>The festival involves jumping over a series of fires – a tradition brought by the Zoroastrians, who celebrated fire as the sign of everlasting strength and health. The idea behind Charshanbeh-Souri is to jump over the fires to cleanse oneself of the ills – physical, emotional and societal – of the past year. It is a way to prepare for the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1163/1573384X-20160306">rebirth</a> that Nowruz brings. It is also a time of forgiveness. Joining hands to jump over the fire is a way to heal rifts that are threatening to fracture families all over the world.</p>
<h2>Themes of Nowruz</h2>
<p>This <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00210868608701679">festival</a> is still marked by millions of people throughout West and Central Asia as the start of a new year. Today it’s celebrated a few nights before the spring equinox, according to the solar calendar. It is a time <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.7596/taksad.v5i4.614">of forgiveness and a time to heal</a>. </p>
<p>When individuals and families jump over the fire, they ask the fire to take their sickness and all the unhappiness of the past year. They also ask the fire to <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/4310541?seq=1#metadata_info_tab_contents">give them strength and health</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Celebrations for Nowruz, Iranian new year, Iraq, 2016" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/389697/original/file-20210315-19-e8hg15.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Kurdish men and women gather around a fire during celebrations for Nowruz in Akre, Iraq in 2016.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://newsroom.ap.org/detail/MideastIraqNewYear/2f0dfade19e34b528ab922dcb8b6175e/photo?Query=Nowruz%20AND%20fire&mediaType=photo&sortBy=&dateRange=Anytime&totalCount=44&currentItemNo=1">AP Photo/Seivan M.Salim</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The tradition also urges individuals to make amends with those they believe have wronged them in the past. They also seek forgiveness for their own wrongs. This is symbolized by celebrators joining their hands as they <a href="https://surfiran.com/chaharshanbe-suri/">jump over the fire</a> together.</p>
<p>The day after Charshanbeh-Souri, <a href="https://search.proquest.com/docview/2124684703?pq-origsite=gscholar&fromopenview=true">families begin preparing their homes for Nowruz</a>. They set a table called the haft-seen – translating to “seven S’s.” At the center of the table are seven items that begin with the letter S, each holding a particular significance. </p>
<p>Seeb (apple) is the symbol of beauty, seer (garlic) is the symbol of health and medicine, somagh (sumac) represents sunrise, sabzeh (green grass) represents healing and rebirth of the Earth, serkeh (vinegar) symbolizes patience, senjed (olives) signals love and, finally, samanu (pastry paste) is <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/10350330.2018.1430664">about the power and strength of forgiveness</a>. </p>
<p>At the center of the table, a mirror is placed for reflection, flowers to symbolize the Earth’s healing, eggs to symbolize life and a live fish to represent one’s connection to the animal world. <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=OZbyz_Hr-eIC">Some families place a religious book</a> at the table, such as the Quran, Bible or Avista; others place books by favorite Iranian poets such as Hafez or Rumi. </p>
<p>[<em>You’re smart and curious about the world. So are The Conversation’s authors and editors.</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters/weekly-highlights-61?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=weeklysmart">You can get our highlights each weekend</a>.]</p>
<h2>Celebrating Nowruz this year</h2>
<p>The themes of health, justice and respect for the Earth seem to be more relevant to the entire world this year than ever before. </p>
<p>As the pandemic spread across the world, it exposed inequalities. Studies found that Black Americans were <a href="https://www.cidrap.umn.edu/news-perspective/2020/08/us-blacks-3-times-more-likely-whites-get-covid-19">three times more likely</a> than whites to get COVID-19, as a result of many racial inequalities. Following the death of George Floyd in May 2020, <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2020/12/31/2020-the-year-black-lives-matter-shook-the-world">thousands of Americans took to the streets to protest about racism</a>. </p>
<p>At the same time, many news reports noted how the <a href="https://wset.com/news/coronavirus/earth-is-healing-as-people-are-staying-home">Earth was healing</a> as people stayed indoors. Global warming has led to climate change, which in turn has caused <a href="https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/climate-change-increases-risk-fires-western-us">catastrophic changes</a> in <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/mach/science/three-islands-disappeared-past-year-climate-change-blame-ncna1015316">many parts of the world</a>. With many of the festivities coming back as people get COVID-19 vaccines, the self-reflection and inner bonding with the Earth will be part of the celebrations of Nowruz this year. </p>
<p>I believe that this year more than ever before, it is important to reflect on how we can be a part of a rebirth focused on justice that our world so desperately needs.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/156701/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Pardis Mahdavi does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
The Iranian new year, Nowruz, being celebrated on March 20, is a time to forgive, heal and live in harmony with the Earth.
Pardis Mahdavi, Dean of Social Sciences, Arizona State University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/144661
2020-09-11T12:19:59Z
2020-09-11T12:19:59Z
Philosophy and psychology agree - yelling at people who aren’t wearing masks won’t work
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/357277/original/file-20200909-14-1rx5dym.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=372%2C40%2C6297%2C4325&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Masks Up, Surf City, banner campaign in Huntington Beach, Calif.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/pedestrians-dont-heed-the-masks-up-surf-city-banner-news-photo/1228408046?adppopup=true">Genaro Molina/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>There is strong <a href="https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/06/417906/still-confused-about-masks-heres-science-behind-how-face-masks-prevent">scientific evidence</a> that wearing a mask reduces the risk of transmitting the coronavirus. Both the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the World Health Organization recommend wearing them. </p>
<p>Indeed, <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/06/23/most-americans-say-they-regularly-wore-a-mask-in-stores-in-the-past-month-fewer-see-others-doing-it/">many people believe</a> it is important to take precautions to reduce the risks we pose to others and wear masks. They conclude that wearing a mask <a href="https://time.com/5815299/coronavirus-face-mask-ethics/">is the right thing to do</a>. </p>
<p>As a <a href="http://harvey.cc.binghamton.edu/%7Enhassoun">professor of philosophy</a> working on <a href="https://theconversation.com/ending-the-pandemic-will-take-global-access-to-covid-19-treatment-and-vaccines-which-means-putting-ethics-before-profits-141763">global health ethics</a>, I believe the conflict between mask wearers and non-wearers raises some important ethical questions: </p>
<p>Is it acceptable to comment on others’ apparent irresponsibility when they choose not to wear a mask or try to shame them into wearing one? Is this approach effective?</p>
<h2>Moral outrage</h2>
<p>There is psychological <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2349">evidence</a> to show that people express <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ulterior-motives/200901/moral-righteousness-in-trying-times">moral righteousness</a> – act from an outraged sense of justice – when they are uncertain and afraid.</p>
<p>When people are anxious, they often try to regain composure by clinging strongly to their moral norms. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2349">Some studies</a> also show that such moral outrage may be “self-serving” – a way to bolster one’s own moral status. </p>
<p>But there is also reason to believe that <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-motivates-moral-outrage-75035">moral outrage</a>, whatever its psychological source, can be an important lever for bringing about positive change – such outrage was, for instance, essential for ending slavery. </p>
<p>The righteous outrage of abolitionists who tried to end slavery in the mid-1800s was justified even if they would not have been so outraged in different circumstances – say, where the country had not been on the brink of civil war. </p>
<p>Martin Luther King’s <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2019/02/20/691298594/the-power-of-martin-luther-king-jr-s-anger">struggle for civil rights</a> was motivated as much by anger at injustice as by love. For King, anger was part of a process that included forgiveness and led to constructive action.</p>
<h2>Refusal to wear masks</h2>
<p>To decide whether outrage is an appropriate response to even the most selfishly motivated refusal to wear a mask, consider the consequences of such outrage.</p>
<p>Those who follow 19th-century philosopher John Stuart Mill believe people should act so as to maximize the positive and minimize the negative <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/utilitarianism-history/">consequences</a> of their actions, for the benefit of the greatest number of people.</p>
<p>But even those who reject Mill’s views and follow another philosopher, Immanuel Kant, believe that consequences matter. On <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/kant/">Kant’s</a> view we need to understand how to help people adhere to the moral law because he thought that what matters most is one’s goodwill or motive.</p>
<p>But in these times, masks have become <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2020/06/25/face-masks-america-divided/">politicized</a> in the U.S. Therefore, some might well argue that the gains made through the <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/cloth-face-cover-guidance.html">number of lives saved</a> may not outweigh the consequences of further <a href="https://www.politico.com/news/2020/05/01/masks-politics-coronavirus-227765">polarizing our political system</a>.</p>
<p>On the other hand, there might be those who argue that this polarization is well worth the risk. Recent studies have found that masks <a href="https://www.ucdavis.edu/coronavirus/news/your-mask-cuts-own-risk-65-percent/">cut down the risk of infection to the wearer by as much as 65%</a>. </p>
<h2>Listening carefully</h2>
<p>But this need not be a choice between further polarization and risk reduction. </p>
<p>Epidemiologist <a href="https://www.populationmedicine.org/jmarcus">Julia Marcus</a> argues that shaming people who do not wear masks <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/06/dudes-who-wont-wear-masks/613375/">will not work to anyone’s advantage</a>. People can better convince others to wear masks if they share the fear, loss and uncertainty that <a href="https://theconversation.com/in-the-time-of-the-covid-19-pandemic-what-should-you-say-to-someone-who-refuses-to-wear-a-mask-a-philosopher-weighs-in-142898">motivates their concern</a> rather than use their outrage to shame others.</p>
<p>As Kant argued, everyone should treat other people with respect. This applies no matter what side of the political fence people occupy. <a href="https://www.pdcnet.org/resphilosophica/content/resphilosophica_2013_0090_0003_0413_0438">We all share needs</a> for safety, economic security and health. Evidence suggests that shame can undermine, rather than promote, <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3083636/">moral motivation</a>. </p>
<p>On the other hand, if people share their feelings and candidly explain their <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202005/why-are-masks-triggering-conflict-and-rage">fears</a> and aspirations to others, they might better motivate positive change.</p>
<h2>Show empathy</h2>
<p>Trying to understand why people might be resistant to wearing a mask might be a good place to start. For example, some people may be worried that a mask may <a href="https://www.npr.org/2020/07/01/886299211/why-some-people-dont-wear-masks">not allow for a free flow of oxygen into their lungs</a>, even though such concerns may not be valid. Some people also find it hard to breathe with a mask on if they are running or exercising in another way. All these concerns can be acknowledged and discussed. </p>
<p>[<em>Deep knowledge, daily.</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters/the-daily-3?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=deepknowledge">Sign up for The Conversation’s newsletter</a>.]</p>
<p>Similarly, everyone should remember that some people have good reasons not to wear a mask. People <a href="https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/helping-people-with-autism-spectrum-disorder-manage-masks-and-covid-19-tests-2020061020089">may have underlying health conditions</a> like autism or anxiety disorders that make wearing a mask difficult.</p>
<p>Even when someone refuses to wear a mask only to make a <a href="https://scroll.in/article/961017/an-ethnographer-tries-to-understand-the-anti-lockdown-protests-erupting-across-the-us">political statement</a>, it is important to hear why it matters so much to them. As Kant argues, it is important to understand different perspectives.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/357296/original/file-20200909-16-18e1mxx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Are anti-maskers afraid that their businesses wouldn’t be allowed to open any time soon due to the fear of the spread of COVID-19?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/dolores-garrity-a-hair-salon-owner-demands-that-gov-larry-news-photo/1210378865?adppopup=true">Photo By Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>It is possible that people who have lost jobs might see masks as a threat that would further <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202005/why-are-masks-triggering-conflict-and-rage">delay the reopening of the economy</a>.</p>
<p>Everyone should also remember that in our daily lives, <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/contractualism/">each of us undertakes activities that pose at least a little risk to others</a>. Day-to-day activities such as <a href="https://time.com/5810782/grocery-store-safety-coronavirus/">grocery shopping</a> or even <a href="https://www.health.com/condition/infectious-diseases/coronavirus/can-you-get-coronavirus-from-talking-to-someone">having conversations with friends or neigbors</a> carry a small risk of virus transmission.</p>
<p>Focusing on facts – rules that states, cities or private employers put in place to protect people – <a href="https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/Mask-the-rage-How-to-talk-to-people-who-don-t-15273357.php">rather than blaming</a> others might be a more effective way to convince them.</p>
<p>People on <a href="https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2020/8/7/21357400/anti-mask-protest-rallies-donald-trump-covid-19">both</a> <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/06/us/Epidemiologists-coronavirus-protests-quarantine.html">sides</a> of the mask debate have found reasons to turn this into a most contentious issue. Perhaps listening carefully and with empathy might help everyone understand that we all really are in this together.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/144661/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Nicole Hassoun does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Many of us believe that outrage is an appropriate response to what appears to be a selfishly motivated refusal to wear a mask, but is it?
Nicole Hassoun, Professor of Philosophy, Binghamton University, State University of New York
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/135588
2020-04-16T09:11:01Z
2020-04-16T09:11:01Z
Why can’t I stop thinking about my dead parents?
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/326543/original/file-20200408-80225-sawjwl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Always with us.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/silhouette-father-son-holding-hands-walking-1105369889">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>“How can someone stop thinking about his or her dead parents? Is this really possible?”</em> Mirka, by email.</p>
<p>After I finished my studies I worked as a carer for the elderly for a few months. It was a difficult job, but there are some people I remember fondly. One of them was a woman in her 90s, with memory loss and hearing problems. I’d cook lunch for her and then sit and listen as she’d eat and share stories about her life. She had been married and had several children. But the people that she talked about the most, that she seemed to remember best, were her parents. </p>
<p>The thought scared me. Even when we are very old, and we forget what we did yesterday or who our neighbours are, we remember our parents. It scared me because it showed that there are things that we can never leave behind, that memories from a distant past can come back to haunt (or, of course, delight) us. We are not in control of what we remember. Time does not heal everything. It does not wash it all away like a benevolent numbing wave.</p>
<hr>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/313328/original/file-20200203-41485-1foofme.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/313328/original/file-20200203-41485-1foofme.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313328/original/file-20200203-41485-1foofme.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313328/original/file-20200203-41485-1foofme.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313328/original/file-20200203-41485-1foofme.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313328/original/file-20200203-41485-1foofme.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313328/original/file-20200203-41485-1foofme.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption"></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p><strong><em>This article is part of <a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/lifes-big-questions-80040?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Life’s Big Questions</a></em></strong>
<br><em>The Conversation’s new series, co-published with BBC Future, seeks to answer our readers’ nagging questions about life, love, death and the universe. We work with professional researchers who have dedicated their lives to uncovering new perspectives on the questions that shape our lives.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>It seems we simply cannot leave some people behind, especially people who are dead and whom we may wish to forget, because remembering hurts. It may hurt because we miss them and our ongoing love for them is painful. It may hurt because we feel guilty for not appreciating them more. Or it may hurt because we still can’t forgive them.</p>
<p>Whatever the reason, we may wish to live in a world in which they do not exist, not even in our minds, because we cannot feel the loss of something that we never think about. So we believe that, if only we could forget, there would be no loss, nor pain. We may even believe that forgetting about our parents will somehow make us free to finally be ourselves. </p>
<p>Perhaps all this is true, but perhaps that is also the wrong way to think about it. </p>
<p>Here is a thought that you may find either soothing or terrifying: I don’t think it is possible to ever experience a world in which our parents are completely absent. To start with the obvious reasons, our parents are part of us, biologically and psychologically. We are who we are <a href="https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/pediatrics/104/Supplement_1/164.full.pdf">because of who they are</a>, or were.</p>
<p>There are always going to be moments when we’ll look in the mirror and recognise their smile in the way we smile, or remember the way they waved their hands in the air in frustration, because we do that too. Perhaps we have a temper, like them; perhaps we are good with children, just as they were. Our confidence or insecurity, our particular fears and the way we love, are influenced by them.</p>
<p>Of course we have some freedom and independence as well, because there are parts of ourselves that have been shaped by factors that have nothing to do with our parents, and because we can partly <a href="https://theconversation.com/free-thought-can-you-ever-be-a-truly-independent-thinker-129033">choose who we are</a>. But there are always traces of our parents in us – some good, others less so. </p>
<p>Most parents leave a legacy that is a mixture of positives and negatives. That is only human. And if we have children, we will be present in them in the same way, and so on. That’s how the reproduction of life works, and we join in the dance. </p>
<p>Indeed, if we want, we can go further and think about all the history and generations and natural factors that went into the making of ourselves. It is a bit dizzying, but also an incredibly expansive thought. To borrow <a href="https://poets.org/poem/song-myself-51">a line</a> from American <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/transcendentalism/">transcendentalist</a> poet Walt Whitman, you can say: “I contain multitudes.”</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/326546/original/file-20200408-3457-1pnor4d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/326546/original/file-20200408-3457-1pnor4d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326546/original/file-20200408-3457-1pnor4d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326546/original/file-20200408-3457-1pnor4d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326546/original/file-20200408-3457-1pnor4d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326546/original/file-20200408-3457-1pnor4d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326546/original/file-20200408-3457-1pnor4d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Childhood memories are resilient.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/father-holding-his-daughters-hand-513368548">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>We can think about this as a matter of biology, a matter of culture, <a href="https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/identity-personal/#Fis">a philosophical question of personal identity</a> or as a spiritual perspective. I like to think that the separation between these approaches is porous, and we can adopt all of them together.</p>
<p>None of this denies our individuality. It is rather about recognising that our individuality is not independent of what we conceive as “not us”, and that parents are a big part of the individual we are. </p>
<h2>The nature of memory</h2>
<p>Psychologically, two factors explain the <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/09/memorie">pervasive nature of memories</a> related to our parents: one is the fact that emotionally intense experiences last longer in our memory. The other is that we are more likely to create memories when things are new – and childhood is the time of our lives when so many <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00322/full">things we experience are novel</a> and important. </p>
<p>Parents are typically central in both cases. Our first emotions take place with them. They are present during our first explorations of the world and of ourselves. So if we put them together it becomes clear that parent-related situations have a greater chance of being impressed in our memories than almost anything else. </p>
<p>But does this mean that we are stuck with memories of our parents, sometimes painful, replaying in our minds all the time, day after day? Not at all. </p>
<p>I think that we can use the inescapable presence of our parents within us as a spring to move forward and as a liberating knowledge to project ourselves outward into the world. That someone is part of us does not mean that we must think about them all the time. Or even at all. It means that we are free, in fact, to think about everything else, because we don’t have to keep our thoughts fixed on them in order for them to be present. They already, always, are. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/326539/original/file-20200408-76090-1awh6ao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/326539/original/file-20200408-76090-1awh6ao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326539/original/file-20200408-76090-1awh6ao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326539/original/file-20200408-76090-1awh6ao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326539/original/file-20200408-76090-1awh6ao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326539/original/file-20200408-76090-1awh6ao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/326539/original/file-20200408-76090-1awh6ao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Memories…</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/happy-family-together-parents-their-little-268477379">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>If we have made peace with this composite identity, if we have incorporated and allowed their legacy into us in ways that serve us and we can accept, then we do not need to tend to it. We are able to place our full attention on to the things in the world that require it, without feeling the guilt of letting our parents go. If anything, we are carrying them forward. </p>
<h2>Confronting darkness</h2>
<p>Sometimes, though, the aspects of ourselves that are shaped by our parents are causes of suffering, and we need to observe them and work on them. There may be haunting memories – or legacies – that we cannot ignore. Perhaps the English poet Philip Larkin captured this sense of negative inheritance most memorably in his searingly frank <a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse">This Be The Verse</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>They fuck you up, your mum and dad.<br>
They may not mean to, but they do.<br>
They fill you with the faults they had<br>
And add some extra, just for you.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>If this is the case, we may need to remember to go back to the roots of the suffering and examine them, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychoanalysis-unplugged/201801/why-does-your-therapist-ask-about-your-childhood">to try to resolve them</a>. This is often worth doing, particularly if we have trouble forgiving our parents for having wronged us. Regretting the fact that we never forgave them, or feeling shame because we still love the people who humiliated and hurt us can be a deep source of trauma. The easy option is often to try to forget about it.</p>
<p>But confronting the memories can help us move on. Perhaps it is possible, <a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse">as Larkin also pointed out</a>, that however much our parents wronged us, they were also let down by their parents, who were in turn let down by their parents. This doesn’t justify their actions. But accepting that they were to some extent also victims, or that they also had some good qualities, can be a way of breaking a dark cycle – a way of refusing to inherit such behaviour.</p>
<p>So coming to terms with dark memories, and carrying them with us, can make us exceptional people. And if we still can’t forgive our parents, thinking about them could at least help us to accept that we can’t forgive them. And that acceptance may make our memories less painful – fleeting, occasional thoughts rather than relentless, towering waves of pain and anxiety.</p>
<p>The same is true for feelings of guilt. Sure, we could have all shown our parents more love and care. But chances are they felt exactly the same about their parents, and therefore always understood that we loved them more than we could say. It’s a comforting thought.</p>
<p>Ultimately, we are bound up with the people who generated us and who brought us up (sometimes they are the same, sometimes they are not). </p>
<p>But we can choose where to turn our gaze. Indeed, I’d argue that it is precisely because of the inescapable presence of these people, that we have greater freedom to direct our attention elsewhere, outward, to wherever it is needed. And we can be assured they will be with us, in some way, whichever path we choose to take.</p>
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<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/philosopher-in-italian-coronavirus-lockdown-on-how-to-think-positively-about-isolation-133859?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Philosopher in Italian coronavirus lockdown on how to think possitively about isolation</a></em></p></li>
<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/happiness-is-feeling-content-more-important-than-purpose-and-goals-131503?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Happiness: is contentment more important than purpose and goals?</a></em></p></li>
<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/free-thought-can-you-ever-be-a-truly-independent-thinker-129033?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Free thought: can you ever be a truly independent thinker?</a></em></p></li>
<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/could-we-live-in-a-world-without-rules-128664?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Could we live in a world without rules?</a></em></p></li>
<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/feelings-whats-the-point-of-rational-thought-if-emotions-always-take-over-128592?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Feelings: What’s the point of rational thought if emotions always take over?</a></em></p></li>
<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/death-can-our-final-moment-be-euphoric-129648?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Death: can our final moment be euphoric?</a></em></p></li>
<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/are-humans-still-part-of-nature-or-is-it-now-just-our-dominion-128790?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Nature: have humans now evolved beyond the natural world, and do we still need it?</a></em></p></li>
<li><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/love-is-it-just-a-fleeting-high-fuelled-by-brain-chemicals-129201?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=TCUKengagement&utm_content=LifesBigQuestionsUK">Love: is it just a fleeting high fuelled by brain chemicals?</a></em></p></li>
</ul><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/135588/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Silvia Caprioglio Panizza does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Whether we miss them, feel guilty about not having appreciated them more or struggle to forgive them, remembering our parents can hurt. Here’s how to move on.
Silvia Caprioglio Panizza, Teaching Fellow, University College Dublin
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/132507
2020-03-18T12:08:04Z
2020-03-18T12:08:04Z
How hope can keep you healthier and happier
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/318807/original/file-20200305-127932-1k92koa.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C4985%2C3330&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Hope springs eternal -- if you nurture it.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/purple-flower-growing-on-crack-street-soft-focus-royalty-free-image/896570168?adppopup=true">Getty Images / ipopba</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Hope can erode when we perceive threats to our way of life, and these days, plenty are out there. <a href="https://www.urban.org/policy-centers/cross-center-initiatives/program-retirement-policy/projects/data-warehouse/what-future-holds/us-population-aging">As we age</a>, we may struggle with a tragic loss or chronic disease. As we watch the news, we see our <a href="https://theconversation.com/think-the-us-is-more-polarized-than-ever-you-dont-know-history-131600">political system polarized</a>, hopelessly locked in chaos. The coronavirus <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/summary.html">spreads wider daily</a>; U.S. markets signaled <a href="https://us.spindices.com/indices/equity/dow-jones-industrial-average">a lack of hope</a> with a Dow Jones free fall. Losing hope sometimes <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/03/trends-suicide">leads to suicide</a>. </p>
<p>When there is no hope – when people cannot picture a desired end to their struggles – they lose the motivation to endure. As <a href="https://psychology.vcu.edu/people/faculty/worthington-jr.html">professor emeritus</a> at Virginia Commonwealth University, I’ve studied positive psychology, forgiveness, wellness and the science of hope for more than 40 years. <a href="http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/">My website</a> offers free resources and tools to help its readers live a more hopeful life.</p>
<h2>What is hope?</h2>
<p>First, hope is not Pollyannaish optimism – <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11031-018-9746-7">the assumption</a> that a positive outcome is inevitable. Instead, hope is a motivation to persevere toward a goal or end state, even if we’re skeptical that a positive outcome is likely. <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Hope-You-Here-There/dp/0743254449">Psychologists tell us</a> hope involves activity, a can-do attitude and a belief that we have a pathway to our desired outcome. Hope is the willpower to change and the way-power to bring about that change.</p>
<p>With teens and with young or middle-aged adults, hope is a bit easier. But for older adults, it’s a bit harder. Aging often means running up against obstacles that appear unyielding – like recurring health or financial or family issues that just don’t seem to go away. Hope for older adults has to be “sticky,” persevering, a “<a href="http://hopecouples.com/">mature hope</a>.” </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/318810/original/file-20200305-127939-1nv3gw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/318810/original/file-20200305-127939-1nv3gw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318810/original/file-20200305-127939-1nv3gw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318810/original/file-20200305-127939-1nv3gw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318810/original/file-20200305-127939-1nv3gw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318810/original/file-20200305-127939-1nv3gw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318810/original/file-20200305-127939-1nv3gw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Hope is more than just positive thinking.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/woman-thinking-outdoor-royalty-free-image/500841556?adppopup=true">Getty Images / ridofranz</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>How to build hope</h2>
<p>Now the good news: <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S259011332030002X?via%3Dihub">this study</a>, from Harvard’s “<a href="https://hfh.fas.harvard.edu/">Human Flourishing Program</a>,” recently published. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S259011332030002X?via%3Dihub">Researchers examined</a> the impact of hope on nearly 13,000 people with an average age of 66. They found those with more hope throughout their lives had better physical health, better health behaviors, better social support and a longer life. Hope also led to fewer chronic health problems, less depression, less anxiety and a lower risk of cancer.</p>
<p>So if maintaining hope in the long run is so good for us, how do we increase it? Or build hope if it’s MIA? Here are my four suggestions:</p>
<p>Attend a motivational speech – or watch, read or listen to one online, through YouTube, a blog or podcast. That increases hope, although usually the fix is short-lived. How can you build longer-term hope?</p>
<p>Engage with a religious or spiritual community. This has worked for millennia. Amidst a community of like believers, people have drawn strength, found peace and experienced the elevation of the human spirit, just by knowing there is something or someone much larger than them. </p>
<p>Forgive. Participating in a <a href="http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/run-groups">forgiveness group</a>, or completing a forgiveness <a href="https://evworthington.squarespace.com/diy-workbooks">do-it-yourself workbook</a>, builds hope, <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/259454682_Efficacy_of_Psychotherapeutic_Interventions_to_Promote_Forgiveness_A_Meta-Analysis">say scientists</a>. It also reduces depression and anxiety, and increases (perhaps this is obvious) your capacity to forgive. That’s true even with long-held grudges. I’ve personally found that successfully forgiving someone provides a sense of both the willpower and way-power to change.</p>
<p>Choose a “hero of hope.” Some have changed history: Nelson Mandela endured 27 years of imprisonment yet persevered to build a new nation. Franklin Delano Roosevelt brought hope to millions for a decade during the Great Depression. <a href="https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Ronald_Reagan%27s_Fourth_State_of_the_Union_Speech">Ronald Reagan</a> brought hope to a world that seemed forever mired in the Cold War. From his fourth State of the Union address: “Tonight, I’ve spoken of great plans and great dreams. They’re dreams we can make come true. Two hundred years of American history should have taught us that nothing is impossible.” </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/318811/original/file-20200305-127877-1gieat3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/318811/original/file-20200305-127877-1gieat3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=778&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318811/original/file-20200305-127877-1gieat3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=778&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318811/original/file-20200305-127877-1gieat3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=778&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318811/original/file-20200305-127877-1gieat3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=977&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318811/original/file-20200305-127877-1gieat3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=977&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/318811/original/file-20200305-127877-1gieat3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=977&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Surely a hero of hope – NASA mathematician Katherine Johnson at the 89th Academy Awards, February 2017.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/physicist-katherine-johnson-poses-in-the-press-room-at-the-news-photo/645835010?adppopup=true">Getty Images / Jason LaVeris / FilmMagic</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Hope gets you unstuck</h2>
<p>Hope changes systems that seem stuck. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/24/science/katherine-johnson-dead.html">Katherine Johnson</a>, the black mathematician whose critical role in the early days of NASA and the space race was featured in the movie “Hidden Figures,” recently died at age 101. The movie (and the book on which it was based) brought to light her persistence against a system that seemed forever stuck. Bryan Stevenson, who directs the <a href="https://justmercy.eji.org/">Equal Justice Initiative</a>, and the subject of the movie “Just Mercy,” has successfully fought to help those wrongly convicted or incompetently defended to get off death row. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Just-Mercy-Story-Justice-Redemption/dp/081298496X/ref=sr_1_2?crid=36NEVUQYANOX0&keywords=just+mercy+bryan+stevenson&qid=1582732721&sprefix=Just+Mercy%2Caps%2C149&sr=8-2">Stevenson laments</a> that he could not help everyone who needed it; he concluded that he lived in a broken system, and that, in fact, he too was a broken man. Yet he constantly reminded himself of what he had told everyone he tried to help: “Each of us,” he said, “is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.” Hope changes all of us. By regaining his hope, Bryan Stevenson’s example inspires us.</p>
<p>Regardless of how hard we try, we cannot eliminate threats to hope. Bad stuff happens. But there are the endpoints of persistent hope: We become healthier and our relationships are happier. We can bring about that hope by buoying our willpower, bolstering our persistence, finding pathways to our goals and dreams, and looking for heroes of hope. And just perhaps, one day, we too can be such a hero.</p>
<p>[<em>Insight, in your inbox each day.</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=insight">You can get it with The Conversation’s email newsletter</a>.]</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/132507/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Everett Worthington receives funding from the Templeton World Charity Foundation studying forgiveness, and in the past from the John Templeton Foundation for research on forgiveness.</span></em></p>
Hope can be acquired. How? Here are some suggestions from an expert.
Everett Worthington, Emeritus Commonwealth Professor of Psychology, Virginia Commonwealth University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/122646
2019-11-03T18:54:26Z
2019-11-03T18:54:26Z
‘I cheated on a school exam and I feel terrible. How can I get past this?’
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/299759/original/file-20191031-187907-3653i2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">We often spend a lot of time beating ourselves up over something that seems worse in our heads than in reality.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">from shutterstock.com</span></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>With so many external pressures, I yielded to cheating on an exam. I feel absolutely terrible as it is not what I stand for at all, a lot of people seem to hate me and I totally respect their opinion as what I did was wrong … but I’m so scared that now it will define me; before I had a perfect record and outstanding achievements and I don’t know how I can get past it. – Anonymous</em></p>
<hr>
<h2>Key points</h2>
<ul>
<li>everyone makes mistakes, but they don’t define us</li>
<li>our brains are wired to make us feel shame after making a mistake</li>
<li>forgive yourself!</li>
</ul>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/i-need-to-know-66587"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/290837/original/file-20190904-175686-polw3q.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=90&fit=crop&dpr=2" width="100%"></a></p>
<p>You’re not the only person who has done something you wish you hadn’t. By the time we reach adulthood most, if not all, of us have. People <a href="https://www.hbs.edu/faculty/Pages/item.aspx?num=49106">cheat, lie, hurt others</a>, or fail. It’s part of the human condition.</p>
<p>Many people have cheated in exams. For example, nearly <a href="http://ojs.unisa.edu.au/index.php/IJEI/article/download/783/595">30% of university students</a> who responded to a 2012 UK survey agreed they had “submitted work taken wholly from an internet source” as their own.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/when-does-getting-help-on-an-assignment-turn-into-cheating-120215">When does getting help on an assignment turn into cheating?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>These mistakes don’t have to define us. If we work through them in a healthy way, mistakes can help shape who we are, what we care about, and how we treat others.</p>
<p>At the time, mistakes can be painful. It can seem to be this huge thing, occupying lots of our thoughts, impacting how we see ourselves and making it feel like everyone else will be focused on this failure forever. </p>
<p>But think of someone you know who has made a mistake. Do you spend all your time thinking about that person’s failure – is that failure all the person is to you? Probably not. Humans spend most of their time thinking about <em>themselves</em>, and humans have lots of ways of reconciling, forgiving and forgetting. </p>
<p>So why does our brain make us feel like it’s the end of the world when <em>we</em> fail?</p>
<h2>Blame our brains</h2>
<p>Humans are a group species. Our <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1995-29052-001">brains have evolved</a> to pay attention to when people might exclude or judge us for being a bad or inappropriate group member. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299785/original/file-20191101-187903-1xgt268.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Our brains are wired to make us feel awful when we believe we’ve been an inappropriate member of our social group.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">from shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>When we do something wrong, our feelings act like an alert signal; a red flashing yucky feeling telling us there is a problem. These guilty feelings can be especially bad if we think about our mistake in certain ways. Thoughts like: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“This is going to affect how <strong>everyone</strong> sees me!”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>or </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“People are <strong>never</strong> going to trust me again!” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>Blowing up the negative consequences in your mind, predicting the future in a negative way, or rehearsing how bad a person you are, are types of thinking that can send that red alert into overdrive. </p>
<p>Another way we keep the red alert on is if we avoid the issue and don’t take time to work through what happened. Research <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/307857170_Moving_beyond_shame_is_bad_How_a_functional_emotion_can_become_problematic_How_Shame_Becomes_Problematic">shows avoiding things</a> that make us feel shame can actually just make us feel worse.</p>
<p>Instead, you can learn to <a href="https://www.springer.com/gp/book/9783319605722">forgive yourself</a>. Start by taking responsibility – rather than trying to explain it away or avoid it, own up to it and say to yourself “yep, I did that”. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/if-someone-hurt-you-this-year-forgiving-them-may-improve-your-health-as-long-as-youre-safe-too-106253">If someone hurt you this year, forgiving them may improve your health (as long as you're safe, too)</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Then, you need to <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-42717-016">work through what happened</a>. Research shows <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28317127">reaffirming our values</a> is one of the most effective ways of working through our wrongdoing and forgiving ourselves.</p>
<h2>Forgive yourself. Here’s how</h2>
<p><strong>Reaffirm your values</strong></p>
<p>Write a letter to yourself answering the following questions: </p>
<ol>
<li>What value have I broken in this situation? (Values are what character traits you find important. These could be generosity, fairness or authenticity. If you have trouble identifying your values, <a href="http://thehappinesstrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/complete_worksheets_for_The_Confidence_Gap.pdf">this can help</a>.)</li>
<li>Why is that value important to me?</li>
<li>What is a time in the past I have acted in a way that is consistent with that value? </li>
<li>What would it mean to act consistent with that value over the next day, week and month? (This may include confessing to someone, an apology or a commitment to do it right next time.) </li>
</ol>
<p>Write three ideas of what you could do, and plan to do one of them this week. Remind yourself of these values and your commitment to them whenever you feel guilty.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/299781/original/file-20191101-187938-scbzri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Write a letter to yourself outlining your values. Remember them every time you feel guilty.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/8eSrC43qdro">Hannah Olinger/Unsplash</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p><strong>Accept your emotions as feelings, not facts</strong></p>
<p>Emotions are part of the way our body responds to a situation. But they are not perfect. They are like a torch in a dark room, focusing our attention on a small part of the room, but missing other things.</p>
<p>Write a thought diary of your feelings and thoughts. Then go back over what you have written and <a href="https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/For-Clinicians/Unhelpful-Thinking-Styles">think</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Is this really the full picture of what is happening, or am I keeping my alert button on by practising unhelpful thinking?</p>
</blockquote>
<p><strong>Remember you’re a human</strong></p>
<p>When we fail, we sometimes hold ourselves up against perfect standards. But we are human, which means we don’t always have perfect knowledge of the future, control of our own feelings, or wisdom about how to act in the moment. </p>
<p>Instead of beating yourself up about what you could or should have done, acknowledge you are not perfect – then choose to pursue your values moving forward. </p>
<p><strong>Talk it out with others</strong></p>
<p>Often we keep our failures private. But since our brain is monitoring for risk of rejection, it stays active in case others find out or are already judging us because they know.</p>
<p>Talking it out with others can help because we have also <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/spc3.12176">evolved a sense of compassion</a> and can often be kinder to others than to ourselves.</p>
<p><strong>Seek help</strong></p>
<p>Underlying depression or other health or mental-health issues may be making our feelings of guilt, regret, shame, fear or embarrassment worse. If your feelings don’t change (especially if they continue for two weeks or more) then it is probably a good idea to chat to a psychologist, counsellor or your doctor.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-wrong-with-me-im-never-happy-and-i-hate-school-120889">'What is wrong with me? I'm never happy and I hate school'</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>You can also call <a href="https://www.beyondblue.org.au/">Beyond Blue</a> at any time on 1300 22 4636; or <a href="https://kidshelpline.com.au/">Kids Helpline</a>, a service specifically for children and young people aged 5-25 on 1800 55 1800.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/122646/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Lydia Woodyatt receives funding from the Australian Research Council.</span></em></p>
If you’re feeling guilt or shame about something, there are several proven ways to move past it. First, take responsibility and, then, forgive yourself. Here’s how to do that.
Lydia Woodyatt, Associate professor, Flinders University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/112391
2019-10-10T12:46:10Z
2019-10-10T12:46:10Z
Why ending the secrecy of ‘confession’ is so controversial for the Catholic Church
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/296086/original/file-20191008-128661-m7huk7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">In Catholic understanding, Jesus gave his disciples the power to forgive sins.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/hernanpc/7454895152/in/photolist-cmLhB3-akXCE-ac2GYN-MMKwYn-njAJ1g-koCH3t-JBSquT-2cGWwkp-8dsxFa-nMkMTp-24hi6MX-o7jBJF-UAsNW9-6HVrWA-rmXab4-5HpQFb-5HpNK9-2tYVGw-ebeKyh-23E9wBw-4qn14h-2dJzSLL-CET7TW-9e3RK-9e3S3-vb8MX-3DAosV-xYEa4x-3DAzuV-ebeNGN-eb9bkZ-4AXPd-3DEYFS-ebePM3-eb99qv-ebeMUm-amVisU-eb98GP-488xQd-3JMJUr-484wv2-bC2GCt-3DATWe-bp7MXq-cZCD93-atcga-SRCx1C-fEUCKJ-5Lz8V-3GcyG">Hernán Piñera</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Following sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, there is a worldwide push to end the guarantee of secrecy of confession – called “<a href="https://www.catholiceducation.org/en/religion-and-philosophy/catholic-faith/the-seal-of-the-confessional.html">the seal of the confessional</a>.”</p>
<p>On Sept. 11, 2019, two Australian states, Victoria and Tasmania, passed <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/laws-forcing-priests-to-report-child-abuse-passed-in-victorian-parliament-20190911-p52q1m.html">bills</a> requiring priests to report any child abuse revealed in the confessional. </p>
<p>Australia has been at the center of the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse crisis. In December 2018, influential Australian <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/sep/17/cardinal-george-pell-to-appeal-to-high-court-over-child-sexual-abuse-conviction">Cardinal George Pell</a> was <a href="https://theconversation.com/after-cardinal-pells-conviction-can-a-tradition-bound-church-become-more-accountable-112593">convicted</a> of sexually abusing an altar boy.</p>
<p>Australian bishops have, however, made it <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/church-digs-in-as-victoria-forces-disclosure-of-abuse-revealed-in-confession-20190813-p52gqd.html">clear</a> that the seal of confession is “<a href="https://www.ncronline.org/news/accountability/australian-bishops-religious-say-seal-confession-sacred">sacred</a>,” regardless of the sin confessed. With regard to Tasmania’s new law, <a href="https://hobart.catholic.org.au/archbishop/biography/julian-c-porteous-biography">Archbishop Julian Porteous</a> argued that removing confession’s protection of confidentiality would stop pedophiles from coming forward. That would prevent <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-09-12/catholic-church-in-tasmania-to-snub-mandatary-sex-abuse-laws/11503024">priests from encouraging them to surrender to authorities</a>. </p>
<p>In the U.S., a California bill proposing ending priestly confidentiality regarding the abuse of minors was withdrawn in July 2019 after a <a href="https://www.americamagazine.org/politics-society/2019/07/09/dangerous-california-bill-seal-confession-withdrawn-key-hearing">campaign</a> by Catholics and other religious freedom advocates. </p>
<p>Catholic confession has been <a href="https://www.mtsu.edu/first-amendment/article/922/priest-penitent-privilege">formally safeguarded by the U.S. Supreme Court</a> since 1818. But therapists, doctors and a few other professionals are required to break confidentiality when there is an <a href="https://www.apa.org/ethics/code/">immediate threat of harm</a>. Priests are not.</p>
<p>Why is confession so important in the Catholic Church? </p>
<h2>The act of confession</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/295896/original/file-20191007-121071-li5e3v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/295896/original/file-20191007-121071-li5e3v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295896/original/file-20191007-121071-li5e3v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295896/original/file-20191007-121071-li5e3v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295896/original/file-20191007-121071-li5e3v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295896/original/file-20191007-121071-li5e3v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295896/original/file-20191007-121071-li5e3v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The guarantee of confidentiality of a confession in the Catholic Church cannot be easily broken.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/woman-confessing-her-sins-confessor-kneeling-1300887244?src=MGxlZ5h1WrCnj9Exp4YOBA-1-7">GoneWithTheWind/Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Catholics believe Jesus gave his disciples the power to forgive sins. </p>
<p>In <a href="https://biblehub.com/john/20-23.htm">John 20: 23</a>, Jesus says to his apostles, “If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” </p>
<p>This belief extends to priests in “<a href="http://www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/how-we-teach/catechesis/catechetical-sunday/sacramental-forgiveness/teaching-aid-hilgartner.cfm">the rite of penance and reconciliation</a>.” </p>
<p>This ritual usually occurs in a “<a href="https://www.liturgybrisbane.net.au/learn/liturgy-lines/from-confession-box-to-reconciliation-room-2/">reconciliation room</a>.” It is in this private place that the priest, in his role as “confessor,” meets face to face with the “penitents” who will confess their sins. </p>
<p>After making <a href="https://www.loyolapress.com/our-catholic-faith/prayer/traditional-catholic-prayers/prayers-every-catholic-should-know/sign-of-the-cross">the sign of the cross</a> and welcoming the penitent, the priest reads a passage from the Bible that speaks of God’s mercy. The penitent then says, “Bless me Father for I have sinned” and recounts – out loud – the specific sins committed.</p>
<p>Afterwards, the priest may ask questions to make sure that the confession is thorough. He then gives “absolution” – a “release” from the guilt of sin. </p>
<p>Absolution is not automatic. The penitent must perform “<a href="https://www.catholic.org/prayers/prayer.php?p=43">an act of contrition</a>,” in which they say that they are “contrite” or sorry for their sins. The penitent also promises to do their best not to sin again. </p>
<p>Before dismissing the penitent, the priest gives a “penance” – usually in the form of prayers – that the penitent needs to perform to “reconcile” with God. </p>
<h2>History of penance and confession</h2>
<p>The present rite of penance and reconciliation dates from <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/1974/02/07/archives/vatican-revises-sacrament-of-penance-vatican-revises-sacrament-of.html">1974</a>. This was almost a decade after a worldwide gathering of bishops at the <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-catholic-church-resists-change-but-vatican-ii-shows-its-possible-102543">Second Vatican Council</a> that reformed many traditional Catholic practices. </p>
<p>In the centuries before the change, penance and confession were much more demanding.</p>
<p>In early Christianity, those who committed serious sins – like murder – publicly entered the “order of penitents.” These penitents underwent years of public prayer and fasting before rejoining the community. </p>
<p>Because it was so difficult to repeat the process for serious sins if committed again, many Christians waited until old age to perform penance and be assured their place in <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-heaven-97670">heaven</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/295894/original/file-20191007-121060-1isen2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/295894/original/file-20191007-121060-1isen2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=864&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295894/original/file-20191007-121060-1isen2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=864&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295894/original/file-20191007-121060-1isen2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=864&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295894/original/file-20191007-121060-1isen2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1086&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295894/original/file-20191007-121060-1isen2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1086&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/295894/original/file-20191007-121060-1isen2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1086&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">In early Christianity those who committed serious sins entered the ‘order of penitents.’</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/paullew/6915989767/in/photolist-9g2T72-bx9fNT-btbGoZ-2ed3MTe-akUamc-2fDYYfg-dZKp8u-5j2e8B-83ejL7-ntkKuf-26nswW2-8sRZ6Y-8sP9SV-7HWefG-374jRx-akXCE-QByB6R-8ZzkHx-jExkgX-hgR1iz-vb59F-ehyNCK-J94b3-pCHTLq-qvV5cc-oWQF1b-PQJNfp-rmXab4-9g4m7p-74tfRV-2eDb6p1-7hob2i-89UBFL-5HwZ1W-qHJ1fF-6nZsvX-JVJefB-hgRk37-aTg9Wp-7CpQZS-obXeeV-569wMG-AwmGsB-b4wQfM-6asAw8-5WqD1G-4nB1YA-2aioVzy-27ad44R-eh6iMm/">Lawrence OP</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Later, around the seventh century A.D., <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00062278.1982.10554351">confession became private</a>. “<a href="https://www.britannica.com/topic/penitential-book">Penitential manuals</a>” were developed that listed penalties, or “tariffs,” to match the severity of the sin. </p>
<p>Some of the penances were severe, such as making a barefoot <a href="http://www.internationalschooltoulouse.net/vs/pilgrims/motive.htm">pilgrimage</a> to a distant holy place or walking to church on one’s knees. From the 11th century onward, going on Crusade to the Middle East – the Holy Land – was also considered a <a href="https://yalebooks.yale.edu/book/9780300101287/crusades">penance</a> that could erase a person’s sins.</p>
<p>Some of the penances given in the manuals were so strict that local bishops <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00062278.1982.10554351">often lessened</a> the penalties. Sinners also had the option to <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=k85JKr1OXcQC&pg=PA1135&lpg=PA1135&dq=tariff+penance&source=bl&ots=34J5SPLap9&sig=ACfU3U2b0QCy4u1y_jIOj-12pvHqnuB39g&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwi9gqm69vnkAhVP0KwKHRfMDiEQ6AEwDXoECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=tariff%20penance&f=false">pay someone else</a> to do their penance. </p>
<p>For these reasons, penance gradually emphasized the basic act of confession itself, and prayers took the place of harsher penalties.</p>
<h2>The importance of confession</h2>
<p>Today, confession is still associated with the older process of going to a confession box and listing one’s sins anonymously from behind a screen. </p>
<p>That was my first experience of penance in the 1970s as a seven-year-old Catholic boy. I was also taught that I could not receive the bread and wine of <a href="http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p2s2c1a3.htm">communion</a> without confessing my sins. This teaching still remains in force.</p>
<p>In <a href="https://cara.georgetown.edu/reconciliation.pdf">recent years</a>, though, <a href="http://www.pewforum.org/2015/09/02/chapter-2-participation-in-catholic-rites-and-observances/">confession has declined</a>. Fewer American Catholics are going to confess their sins. Some commentators have even argued that confession has “<a href="https://www.bostonglobe.com/ideas/2014/02/16/catholic-confession-steep-price/NbMVFfYljv26Gcphu17yPJ/story.html">collapsed</a>” and should be rethought. </p>
<p>But regardless of how frequently Catholics go to confession, the freedom to confess – in confidence – is central to the Catholic worldview. And all Catholics of my generation have a confession story – a story that can be either comforting or traumatic.</p>
<p>The debate over confession isn’t just an abstract issue for Catholics. It’s something very personal.</p>
<p>But for me, as well as for many Catholics, confession is not simply a way of avoiding <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-hell-94560">hell</a> in the hereafter – it’s a way experiencing <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-the-true-meaning-of-mercy-72461">God’s merciful love</a> in the here and now.</p>
<p>[ <em>Deep knowledge, daily.</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=deepknowledge">Sign up for The Conversation’s newsletter</a>. ]</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/112391/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Mathew Schmalz does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Following the sexual abuse scandals, there is a push to force the Catholic Church to compromise the confidentiality of the confessional. A Catholic scholar explains why confession is so important.
Mathew Schmalz, Professor of Religious Studies, College of the Holy Cross
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/123831
2019-09-25T12:12:23Z
2019-09-25T12:12:23Z
Universal ethical truths are at the core of Jewish High Holy Days
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/293877/original/file-20190924-51405-ahz2wx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Blowing the shofar during Rosh Hashana is one of the holiday's many traditions.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Associated-Press-Domestic-News-New-York-United-/307cf9193ae5da11af9f0014c2589dfb/55/0">AP Photo/Emile Wamsteker</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>My most vivid adolescent memories of the Jewish High Holy Days are the painful rumbling of my empty stomach as I fasted on Yom Kippur, and the sharp blasts of the shofar – the ram’s horn – sounding from the synagogue pulpit. </p>
<p>I was one of millions of Jews the world over who observe “Yamim Nora’im.” That’s Hebrew for “Days of Awe” or “High Holy Days.” </p>
<p>This 10-day period begins with the two-day celebration of the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana. It ends with the one-day observance of Yom Kippur, when adult Jews in good health are expected to fast.</p>
<p>What is the significance of these holy days for orthodox Jews, secular Jews and perhaps even for non-Jews?</p>
<h2>Traditional beliefs</h2>
<p><a href="https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/rosh-hashanah-faq-all-about-the-jewish-new-year/">Rosh Hashana</a> and <a href="https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/yom-kippur-101/">Yom Kippur</a> are known, respectively, as “The Day of Judgment” and “The Day of Atonement.” In Orthodox Judaism, these combined Days of Awe embody both celebration and trepidation, renewal and repentance.</p>
<p>This is a time when Jews believe that all humankind is judged by God and inscribed either in “The Book of Life” or “The Book of Death.” Judaism doesn’t believe these are actual “books.” However, <a href="https://www.harpercollins.com/9780061374982/jewish-literacy-revised-ed/">Jewish tradition tells us</a> that God writes down the names of the righteous in The Book of Life, and the names of the wicked in the Book of Death. </p>
<p>The belief is that the righteous will live through the coming year; the wicked will not. All others – neither fully wicked nor fully righteous – will have their fate decided between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. </p>
<p>The angst surrounding these holidays is captured in a liturgical poem called the “Unetanneh Tokef,” translated as “let us speak of the awesomeness.” This ancient prayer is chanted during both Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services, and <a href="https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2701114/jewish/Text-of-Unetaneh-Tokef-Prayer.htm">states that</a>,</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“On Rosh Hashanah they are inscribed, and on the fast day of Yom Kippur they are sealed…who shall live and who shall die… who shall perish by water and who by fire; who by the sword, and who by a wild beast; who by hunger and who by thirst…” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>Leonard Cohen, considered among the greatest of songwriters, was inspired by this poem and used similar words in his song, <a href="https://israelforever.org/interact/multimedia/Music/who_by_fire_leonard_cohen/">“Who By Fire.”</a> He wrote,</p>
<blockquote>
<p>And who by fire, who by water <br>
Who in the sunshine, who in the night time <br>
Who by high ordeal, who by common trial <br>
Who in your merry merry month of May<br>
Who by very slow decay<br>
And who shall I say is calling?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Given the apprehension that accompanies these stark pronouncements, it is hardly surprising that during the Days of Awe, observant Jews often <a href="http://www.learnhebrew.org.il/print/gmar.htm">greet each other with a phrase of hope</a>, “G’mar Chatimah Tovah” – roughly translated, “May you be inscribed in the Book of Life.” </p>
<p>As a psychiatrist reflecting on the High Holy Days, I have often wondered how many traditionally raised Jewish children have been frightened by the prospect of winding up in the Book of Death. I know I was. </p>
<p>As someone who has <a href="https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/becoming-mensch-timeless-talmudic-ethics-everyone">written extensively</a> on Jewish ethics, I know that the High Holy Days also embody an “ethical core” that transcends religious doctrines and embodies universal ethical truths. </p>
<h2>The varieties of Jewish beliefs</h2>
<p>Judaism encompasses a wide range of beliefs. Orthodox Judaism is based on the premise that the Torah – essentially, the first five books of the Hebrew Bible –<a href="https://www.harpercollins.com/9780061374982/jewish-literacy-revised-ed/">represents God’s eternal and unchangeable rules</a> for Jewish living and religious observance. </p>
<p>But non-Orthodox branches of Judaism emphasize Jewish ethical and cultural traditions more than strict adherence to Jewish law and scripture. They seek to adapt Jewish traditions to modern needs. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/293882/original/file-20190924-51401-1uzv0xf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/293882/original/file-20190924-51401-1uzv0xf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293882/original/file-20190924-51401-1uzv0xf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293882/original/file-20190924-51401-1uzv0xf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293882/original/file-20190924-51401-1uzv0xf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293882/original/file-20190924-51401-1uzv0xf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293882/original/file-20190924-51401-1uzv0xf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Worshippers pray during Rosh Hashana services.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Associated-Press-Domestic-News-New-York-United-/f4b078f198e5da11af9f0014c2589dfb/44/0">AP Photo/Diane Bondareff</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Judaism in all its varieties is, at heart, a religion of hope and optimism. For example, the somber warnings of the liturgical poem “Unetanneh Tokef” are softened by its reminder that <a href="https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2701114/jewish/Text-of-Unetaneh-Tokef-Prayer.htm">one can avert</a> being inscribed in the “Book of Death” by means of repentance, prayer and charity. That is done in the interval between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. </p>
<p>Repentance, or teshuvah in Hebrew, requires taking a kind of “spiritual inventory” aimed at improving the health of our souls. True repentance during the High Holy Days also <a href="http://www.jewishlights.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=JL&Product_Code=978-1-58023-114-5&Category_Code=">requires making amends</a> to those we have sinned against or mistreated. Merely asking God to forgive such sins is not enough. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/293883/original/file-20190924-51410-b0p134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/293883/original/file-20190924-51410-b0p134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293883/original/file-20190924-51410-b0p134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293883/original/file-20190924-51410-b0p134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293883/original/file-20190924-51410-b0p134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293883/original/file-20190924-51410-b0p134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/293883/original/file-20190924-51410-b0p134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Jews from an ultra-Orthodox sect listen to their rabbi on a hill overlooking the Mediterranean Sea as they participate in a Tashlich ceremony in Herzeliya, Israel.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/APTOPIX-Israel-Tashlich-Yom-Kipur/a562ffc04927450c977ac399c22da027/5/0">AP Photo/Ariel Schalit</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>The ethical core of the High Holy Days</h2>
<p>Secular and Humanistic Judaism are branches of non-Orthodox Judaism and are often considered together under the rubric, <a href="https://iishj.org/">“Secular Humanistic Judaism</a>.” This tradition does not invoke or accept the concept of an eternal, transcendent God. During the High Holy Days, emphasis is placed on how all people – Jews and non-Jews – <a href="http://www.shj.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/2017-Number-1.pdf">can become better human beings</a>. </p>
<p>In this secular humanist tradition, Rosh Hashana is seen as a time for <a href="https://www.shj.org/humanistic-jewish-life/about-the-holidays/rosh-hashana/">self-evaluation and self-improvement</a>, without reference to God. Instead, emphasis is placed on the cultural, historical and ethical aspects of Judaism. </p>
<p>A common ceremony in the secular humanist tradition is “Tashlikh,” which involves symbolically casting off one’s sins by throwing bread crumbs into the water. </p>
<p>Tashlikh <a href="https://www.shj.org/humanistic-jewish-life/about-the-holidays/rosh-hashana/">allows Humanistic Jews</a> “…to reflect on their behavior; to cast off behaviors they are not proud of; and to vow to be better people in the year to come.” </p>
<p>Finally, although Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are quintessentially Jewish holidays, their ethical values transcend any one religion.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/123831/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ronald W. Pies does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are quintessentially Jewish holidays, but an ethicist argues that their values around becoming a better human being, transcend any one religion.
Ronald W. Pies, Emeritus Professor of Psychiatry, Lecturer on Bioethics & Humanities at SUNY Upstate Medical University; and Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Tufts University School of Medicine; Editor-in-Chief Emeritus, Psychiatric Times., Tufts University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/118146
2019-06-03T21:02:46Z
2019-06-03T21:02:46Z
What is Eid al-Fitr and how do Muslims celebrate it? 6 questions answered
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/277697/original/file-20190603-69067-x1s9xq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Muslim women at a prayer service at a mosque in Redmond, Washington, to mark the end of Ramadan and the start of Eid-al-Fitr in 2016.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Inslee-Prayer-Services/fcc7cb27069e4084844b22d708433180/56/0">AP Photo/Ted S. Warren</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>Editor’s note: Eid al-Fitr, one of Islam’s principal festivals, will be celebrated April 9, 2024, according to <a href="https://fiqhcouncil.org/calendar/">the Fiqh Council of North America</a>. At the middle of June, Muslims will celebrate Eid al-Adha. Ken Chitwood, a scholar of global Islam, explains the two Islamic festivals.</em> </p>
<h2>1. What is Eid?</h2>
<p>Eid literally means a <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Oxford_Dictionary_of_Islam.html?id=6VeCWQfVNjkC">“festival” or “feast” in Arabic</a>. There are two major eids in the Islamic calendar per year – Eid al-Fitr earlier in the year and Eid al-Adha later. </p>
<p>Eid al-Fitr is a three-day-long festival and is known as the “Lesser” or “Smaller Eid” when compared to Eid al-Adha, which is four-days-long and is known as the <a href="http://www.oxfordislamicstudies.com/article/opr/t125/e740?_hi=0&_pos=2592">“Greater Eid.”</a></p>
<h2>2. Why is Eid celebrated twice a year?</h2>
<p>The two Eids recognize, celebrate and recall two distinct events that are significant to the story of Islam. </p>
<p><a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Oxford_Dictionary_of_Islam.html?id=6VeCWQfVNjkC">Eid al-Fitr means “the feast of breaking the fast.”</a> The fast, in this instance, is <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-ramadan-is-called-ramadan-6-questions-answered-77291">Ramadan</a>, which recalls the revealing of the Quran to Prophet Muhammad and requires Muslims to fast from sunrise to sundown for a month.</p>
<h2>3. How do Muslims celebrate Eid al-Fitr?</h2>
<p>Eid al-Fitr features two to three days of celebrations that include <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Islam.html?id=L31e4m2GUTwC">special morning prayers</a>. People greet each other with “Eid Mubarak,” meaning “Blessed Eid” and with formal embraces. Sweet dishes are prepared at home and gifts are given to children and to those in need. In addition, Muslims are encouraged to forgive and seek forgiveness. Practices vary from country to country.</p>
<p>In many countries with large Muslim populations, Eid al-Fitr is a national holiday. Schools, offices and businesses are closed so family, friends and neighbors can enjoy the celebrations together. In the U.S. and the U.K., Muslims may request to have the day off from school or work to travel or celebrate with family and friends. </p>
<p>In countries like Egypt and Pakistan, Muslims decorate their homes with lanterns, twinkling lights or flowers. Special food is prepared and friends and family are invited over to celebrate. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/277695/original/file-20190603-69083-1njvy5q.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/277695/original/file-20190603-69083-1njvy5q.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277695/original/file-20190603-69083-1njvy5q.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277695/original/file-20190603-69083-1njvy5q.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277695/original/file-20190603-69083-1njvy5q.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277695/original/file-20190603-69083-1njvy5q.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277695/original/file-20190603-69083-1njvy5q.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Fanous, the colorful lanterns of Ramadan, light up the streets of Amman, Jordan, throughout the holy month of fasting.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Ken Chitwood</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In places like Jordan, with its Muslim majority population, the days before Eid al-Fitr can see a rush at local malls and special “Ramadan markets” as people prepare to exchange gifts on Eid al-Fitr. </p>
<p>In Turkey and in places that were once part of the Ottoman-Turkish empire such as Bosnia and Herzegovina, Albania, Azerbaijan and the Caucasus, <a href="http://oxfordislamicstudies.com/article/opr/t125/e1342?_hi=0&_pos=4734">it is also known as the, “Lesser Bayram” or “festival” in Turkish.</a> </p>
<h2>4. How do Muslims celebrate Eid al-Adha?</h2>
<p>The other festival, <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Oxford_Dictionary_of_Islam.html?id=6VeCWQfVNjkC">Eid al-Adha, is the “feast of the sacrifice.”</a> It comes at the end of the <a href="https://theconversation.com/explaining-the-muslim-pilgrimage-of-hajj-83284">Hajj</a>, an annual pilgrimage by millions of Muslims to the holy city of Mecca in Saudi Arabia that is obligatory once in a lifetime, but only for those with means.</p>
<p>Eid al-Adha recalls the story of how God commanded Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ismail as a test of faith. The story, as narrated in the Quran, describes Satan’s attempt to tempt Ibrahim so he would disobey God’s command. Ibrahim, however, remains unmoved and informs Ismail, who is willing to be sacrificed. </p>
<p>But, just as Ibrahim attempts to kill his son, God intervenes and a ram is sacrificed in place of Ismail. During Eid al-Adha, Muslims slaughter an animal to remember Ibrahim’s sacrifice and remind themselves of the need to submit to the will of God. </p>
<h2>5. When are they celebrated?</h2>
<p>Eid al-Fitr is celebrated on the <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=ry_aBAAAQBAJ&pg=PT175&lpg=PT175&dq=islam+the+straight+path+eid+esposito&source=bl&ots=OpTvV-P-BD&sig=vO86ofKfVTFj4ZZdz2iCg2-s1P4&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiR-qaVlbzVAhWHs1QKHW53AiQQ6AEIWTAM#v=onepage&q=islam%20the%20straight%20path%20eid%20esposito&f=false">first day of the 10th month in the Islamic calendar</a>. </p>
<p>Eid al-Adha is celebrated on the <a href="https://www.oupjapan.co.jp/en/node/2191">10th day of the final month in the Islamic calendar.</a></p>
<p>The <a href="http://referenceworks.brillonline.com/browse/encyclopaedia-of-islam-2">Islamic calendar</a> is a lunar calendar, and dates are calculated based on lunar phases. Since the Islamic calendar year is shorter than the solar Gregorian calendar year by 10 to 12 days, the dates for Ramadan and Eid on the Gregorian calendar can vary year by year. </p>
<h2>6. What is the spiritual meaning of Eid al-Fitr?</h2>
<p>Eid al-Fitr, as it follows the fasting of Ramadan, is also seen as a spiritual celebration of Allah’s provision of strength and endurance. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/277720/original/file-20190603-69087-rw4o11.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/277720/original/file-20190603-69087-rw4o11.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277720/original/file-20190603-69087-rw4o11.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277720/original/file-20190603-69087-rw4o11.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277720/original/file-20190603-69087-rw4o11.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277720/original/file-20190603-69087-rw4o11.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/277720/original/file-20190603-69087-rw4o11.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">People distribute food and drinks during the Eid celebrations in Casablanca, Morocco.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Morocco-Eid/a00f0d31743b4a32a8c74b24d8740304/4/0">AP Photo/Abdeljalil Bounhar</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Amid the reflection and rejoicing, Eid al-Fitr is a time for charity, known as Zakat al-Fitr. Eid is meant to be a time of joy and blessing for the entire Muslim community and a time for distributing one’s wealth.</p>
<p>Charity to the poor is a highly emphasized value in Islam. <a href="http://quranexplorer.com">The Quran says</a>, </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“Believe in Allah and his messenger, and give charity out of the (substance) that Allah has made you heirs of. For those of you who believe and give charity – for them is a great reward.” </p>
</blockquote>
<p><em>This piece incorporates materials from an <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-muslims-celebrate-eid-twice-a-year-6-questions-answered-80949">article first published</a> on Aug. 28, 2017. The dates have been updated.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/118146/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ken Chitwood does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Muslims throughout the world will celebrate the holiday of Eid al-Fitr, a celebration at the end of Ramadan. Here’s an introduction to this important feast and its partner, Eid al-Adha.
Ken Chitwood, Senior Research Fellow, Muslim Philanthropy Initiative at IUPUI and Journalist-fellow, USC Dornsife Center for Religion and Civic Culture, USC Dornsife College of Letters, Arts and Sciences
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/111722
2019-02-14T11:46:47Z
2019-02-14T11:46:47Z
This trait could be key to a lasting romance
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/258770/original/file-20190213-181612-835l6n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">'I'm not perfect – and I know you aren't, either.'</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2016/10/25/12/01/couple-1768644_960_720.jpg">Pixabay</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Passion and commitment are widely believed to be the foundation of strong romantic relationships. </p>
<p>But a relationship is made of two unique individuals, and personality traits these individuals possess or lack can often make a relationship more likely to endure. </p>
<p>In a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2017.1414670">2019</a> <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2017.1415093">study</a>, we found that one trait in particular – humility – is an important indicator of successful relationships.</p>
<h2>An honest view of shortcomings</h2>
<p>Humility can sometimes be confused with low self-esteem, low confidence or meekness. </p>
<p>But researchers <a href="https://digitalcommons.lmu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://www.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=1030&context=phil_fac">have come to realize</a> that being humble generally indicates the presence of deeply admirable personal qualities. It means you have the ability to accurately assess your deficiencies without denying your skills and strengths. </p>
<p>For example, you might recognize that you’re smart but realize it would be absurd to call yourself all-knowing – especially when the scope of human knowledge is so vast. This is an honest and sober view of your shortcomings. </p>
<p>As the philosopher Jason Baehr <a href="https://www.bigquestionsonline.com/2013/12/10/how-does-humility-contribute-strength/">has argued</a>, “To be humble is to be attentive to and disposed to ‘own’ one’s limitations, weaknesses, and mistakes. A humble person does not ignore, avoid, or try to deny her limits or deficiencies.” </p>
<p>If you’re humble, you lack a host of negative qualities, such as arrogance and overconfidence. It means you can acknowledge mistakes, see value in things that are riddled with imperfections and identify areas for improvement. </p>
<h2>The link between humility and forgiveness</h2>
<p>Humility appears to be a huge asset to relationships. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2014.898317">One study</a> found that people tend to rate this quality highly in their significant other. It also found that someone who is humble is more likely to initiate a romantic relationship, perhaps because they’re less likely to see themselves as “too good” for someone else.</p>
<p>But in our study, we wanted to explore the link between humility and forgiveness in couples.</p>
<p>Humility is tricky to measure; we worried that people who were arrogant might presumptuously declare their humility, while people who were actually humble would, as a sign of their humility, downplay this trait.</p>
<p>So we approached this question by asking each partner in a romantic relationship about their own and their partner’s humility. We hoped that even if a truly humble person didn’t consider themselves humble, at least their partner would recognize this trait. </p>
<p>We asked 284 couples from the Detroit metropolitan area questions about how humble they were, how humble they thought their partner was and if they were likely to forgive their partner if they did something that was hurtful, like insulting them. </p>
<p>We found that people who felt their partner or spouse was humble were more likely to forgive them following a hurtful situation. This wasn’t true, however, of those who felt their partner or spouse was arrogant. Many of our respondents with arrogant partners indicated that because their partners were less likely to admit to any personal failings, they were less likely forgive them. </p>
<p>Interestingly, the strength of an individual’s social network can play a role too. If someone has a humble partner, they’re more likely to forgive that person. If someone has a lot of close, supportive friends and a humble partner, they’ll be even more likely to forgive that partner after he or she has screwed up. But if your partner is arrogant, it doesn’t matter how many great friends the couple has, they’ll still be less likely to be forgiven.</p>
<p>The ability to forgive is so important because pain is an inevitable part of any relationship. People mess up. They might say something they don’t mean, be unknowingly inconsiderate or forget an important event. So when looking for a partner, it’s probably a good idea to find someone who recognizes that making mistakes is part of being human.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/111722/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Toni Antonucci receives funding from the Templeton Foundation which supported this study.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Kristine J. Ajrouch receives funding from the Templeton Foundation which funded this study. </span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Noah J. Webster receives funding from the Templeton Foundation which funded this study. </span></em></p>
If you’re having issues with your partner, one of you might need a nice dose of humility.
Toni Antonucci, Elizabeth M. Douvan Collegiate Professor of Psychology, University of Michigan
Kristine J. Ajrouch, Adjunct Research Professor, Survey Research Center, Institute for Social Research, University of Michigan
Noah J. Webster, Assistant Research Scientist, Survey Research Center, Institute for Social Research, University of Michigan
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/106253
2018-12-20T18:55:01Z
2018-12-20T18:55:01Z
If someone hurt you this year, forgiving them may improve your health (as long as you’re safe, too)
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/249574/original/file-20181210-72533-1jfewcd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=114%2C1359%2C5349%2C2277&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">What better gift this Christmas than a peace offering?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/nREv5-El0M4">JESHOOTS.COM/Unsplash</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>During the end-of-year holidays families often come together to exchange gifts and, sometimes, to confront long-held grudges. What better gift than a peace offering?</p>
<p>Conflict is rarely pleasant and arguments in families can be particularly upsetting. We all know that knot in the pit of the stomach, the <a href="https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev.psych.121208.131647">flushed face and sweaty hands we experience</a> when we feel we have been dealt with unjustly. </p>
<p>This is a primal stress response to when we feel personally or <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17962552">socially threatened</a>. Our natural reaction is to fight or avoid the person. Revenge might feel instinctive, but that can lead to a cycle of unpleasantness that rolls on and on.</p>
<p>Trying to forget or rationalise a hurtful incident, usually to avoid further confrontation, seldom works. Even if the unpleasant feelings might start to fade, they generally linger in our subconscious and any reminder can reignite them. A constructive way of <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20804242">getting rid of them</a> is to forgive. </p>
<p>But how do we do this and what helps us in the process? We’ve been asking these questions since we <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/1099-0798%282000%2918%3A4%3C459%3A%3AAID-BSL366%3E3.0.CO%3B2-T">started doing research</a> with the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission (set up by the South African government to help deal with the trauma of apartheid) witnesses more than 20 years ago. </p>
<p>Victims who had indicated they had forgiven perpetrators were <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18438735">less angry and distressed</a> than those who did not. We also found victims were more notably forgiving if they received an apology.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/do-encounters-with-perpetrators-help-or-hinder-recovery-after-traumatic-loss-45291">Do encounters with perpetrators help or hinder recovery after traumatic loss?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>What actually is forgiveness?</h2>
<p>Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or minimising the pain we feel; nor is it about excusing others. Forgiveness means making a conscious and deliberate decision to let go of our feelings of resentment or revenge, regardless of whether the person who has upset us deserves it. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=282&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=282&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=282&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=355&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=355&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250900/original/file-20181217-185240-1sbl40n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=355&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/confirm/405840757?size=huge_jpg">www.shutterstock.ocm</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Forgiveness is, in the first place, not about others. It is about stopping us from allowing resentment towards others to make life miserable for us. </p>
<p>People want to return to <a href="https://interpersona.psychopen.eu/article/view/286">how they felt before</a> the offending incident occurred. And they want to think of the event <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/1467-9280.00320">without bitterness and anger</a>, a tightness in the chest, and endless rumination. </p>
<p>Forgiveness <a href="https://interpersona.psychopen.eu/article/view/286">takes time</a>. It sometimes helps to think of occasions when we have offended people in the past or to try to <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0033-3204.42.2.160">look genuinely at the situation</a> through the offender’s eyes. </p>
<p>We must start by forgiving ourselves for any contribution <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1742-9536.2011.00012.x">we think we might have</a> made to the incident. People often blame themselves partly for what may have happened. </p>
<p>Survivors of sexual abuse or harassment say the <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1742-9536.2011.00012.x">most difficult part</a> of the forgiveness process is accepting they were not to blame and to stop being angry with themselves.</p>
<p>After forgiving yourself, it’s easier to then <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20095952">privately forgive other people</a> involved. Research shows forgiveness helps us feel better and may help us <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21706213">live longer</a>. </p>
<p>We can also <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1011394629736">tell or show someone</a> we have forgiven them, such as by helping them out in some way without them asking. </p>
<h2>A successful apology</h2>
<p>One thing that often <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fa0019993">helps people to forgive</a> is receiving an apology. While we may dread apologising, we usually <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11211-014-0216-4">think back positively</a> about the times we’ve offered apologies.</p>
<p>A good apology ideally has three parts: an admission of responsibility, a demonstration of sorrow, and doing something to remedy the offence, or prevent a repetition of it. This could even just involve promising not to do it again.</p>
<p>When we <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1742-9536.2011.00013.x">asked people</a> who had been offended by an intimate partner what convinced them their partner was truly sorry, they said actions spoke louder than words. One said it would help if their partner went out of their way to do something that would be an inconvenience for them. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250898/original/file-20181217-185246-pr1j02.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Promising not to repeat hurtful actions makes an ideal apology.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/9vHPCKymSh0">priscilla du preez unsplash</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
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<p>An apology is not telling others we feel sorry they are angry; it is telling them we understand why they are <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1742-9536.2011.00013.x">angry with us</a>, regret making them feel that way, and want to take their anger away. An <a href="https://ro.ecu.edu.au/ecuworks2013/649/">effective apology</a> is showing the person we understand why they are hurting. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/its-not-just-sex-why-people-have-affairs-and-how-to-deal-with-them-92354">It’s not just sex: why people have affairs, and how to deal with them</a>
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</em>
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<p>A study that <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-45015-006">explored medical errors</a> and the responses of those affected showed an apology was most effective where it focused on the needs of the patient. We might not always know how we can take away the anger, so it is usually <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1742-9536.2011.00013.x">good to ask the person</a> we are apologising to what their needs are. </p>
<p>If the apology wasn’t good enough the first time, you can try again, but first <a href="https://interpersona.psychopen.eu/article/view/286">listen carefully</a> to what the person you are apologising to is saying, and address those concerns. </p>
<p>Misdirected apologies <a href="https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/jscp.23.4.532.40309">can make a situation worse</a>, they can make people more angry and make it more difficult for them to forgive. So, don’t apologise unless it’s sincere.</p>
<h2>Prioritise your safety</h2>
<p>Forgiving ourselves is always good. But forgiving others is only beneficial if the advantages exceed the potential costs. We should therefore not forgive others if that might expose us to further abuse or exploitation. </p>
<p>The stress response we experience to being hurt is protective because it motivates us to stop people from abusing or taking advantage of us. Anger is sometimes functional. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/250901/original/file-20181217-185249-j7d2ay.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">We should not feel guilty if we do not forgive because some behaviour is simply unforgivable.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/confirm/210886186?src=QiWRfNgElbI3ForXKElH2A-1-88&size=huge_jpg">www.shutterstock.com</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>We should also not feel guilty if we do not forgive because some behaviour is simply unforgiveable and carrying our anger might be less harmful than the potential harm of forgiving.</p>
<p>There are also times when everyone may feel they are the victim or some people may not realise they have hurt others even if they can sense someone is unhappy with them. </p>
<p>A good way forward is to ask people what the issue is and then listen to understand, rather than listening to be able to respond. When we listen without instinctively thinking of a way to defend ourselves, we may realise there has been a misunderstanding or we’ve behaved inappropriately.</p>
<p>And if you feel offended by something that’s said or done, you could avoid unpleasant feelings by telling the other person how you feel.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/eye-for-an-eye-why-punishing-the-wrongdoer-helps-us-forgive-28154">Eye for an eye? Why punishing the wrongdoer helps us forgive</a>
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</em>
</p>
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<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/106253/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Forgiveness isn’t about minimising or forgetting the pain we feel. It’s about letting go of our feelings of resentment and revenge.
Alfred Allan, Professor, Edith Cowan University
Maria Allan, Lecturer in Psychology, Edith Cowan University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/105895
2018-10-30T10:44:19Z
2018-10-30T10:44:19Z
How Mister Rogers’ message of love might help us now
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/242761/original/file-20181029-76396-1ey2it8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Squirrel Hill neighbors embrace, after hearing of the shootings at the Tree of Life synagogue, Oct. 27, 2018. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Shooting-Synagogue/91567575c57b4b95a76566337731be9a/32/0">Keith Srakocic/AP Photo</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The Pittsburgh neighborhood in which the recent horrific mass shooting took place isn’t only the home of the Tree of Life synagogue. <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2018/10/27/squirrel-hill-jewish-enclave-mr-rogers-neighborhood-pittsburgh-synagogue-shooting/1789806002/">Squirrel Hill</a> was also Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood, the place where he lived and ultimately chose to die in his own home. </p>
<p>The irony is bitter indeed, because <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2003/02/28/arts/mister-rogers-tv-s-friend-for-children-is-dead-at-74.html">Fred McFeely Rogers</a>, the beloved children’s television host who died in 2003, was also an ordained Presbyterian minister. Over the course of three decades on public broadcasting, he brought to millions of children what his faith’s <a href="https://www.pcusa.org/resource/minutes-215th-general-assembly-2003-part-i-journal/">General Assembly</a> referred to as “unconditional love.”</p>
<p>In a <a href="https://slate.com/culture/2018/06/mr-rogers-documentary-wont-you-be-my-neighbor-reviewed.html">documentary</a> on Rogers released earlier this year, his widow reveals that this apostle of love struggled with evil in its many forms all his life. In his day as in ours, he knew that young people would be exposed to innumerable images of hatred through television and other media. To counteract it, Rogers took to the airways, encouraging people of all ages to accept themselves and each other. As he said in <a href="https://www.law.cornell.edu/copyright/cases/464_US_417.htm#464us417n27">1979</a>, “My whole approach in broadcasting has always been, ‘You are an important person just the way you are.’”</p>
<p>Rogers was on to something – namely, that the world needs more love, and that each of us can play an important role in making the world a kinder place.</p>
<h2>Love gave rise to a calling</h2>
<p>Born in Pennsylvania in 1928, as a young minister Rogers regretted the messages television was conveying to children in the 1960s. He <a href="https://www.salon.com/1999/08/10/rogers_2/">said</a>, “I went into television because I hated it so, and I thought there’s some way of using this fabulous instrument to nurture those who would watch and listen.” “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” debuted nationally in 1968 and won its creator and host many <a href="https://www.fredrogers.org/fred-rogers/bio/">accolades</a>, including a Presidential Medal of Freedom, two Peabody Awards and over 40 honorary degrees.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/222241/original/file-20180607-121234-1xjmawt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/222241/original/file-20180607-121234-1xjmawt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=488&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222241/original/file-20180607-121234-1xjmawt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=488&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222241/original/file-20180607-121234-1xjmawt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=488&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222241/original/file-20180607-121234-1xjmawt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=613&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222241/original/file-20180607-121234-1xjmawt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=613&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222241/original/file-20180607-121234-1xjmawt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=613&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Fred Rogers with President George W. Bush, who is about to place the Presidential Medal of Freedom on Rogers in a July 9, 2002, ceremony.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Associated-Press-Domestic-News-Dist-of-Columbi-/ce46a8a7dfe6da11af9f0014c2589dfb/2/0">Kenneth Lambert/AP Photo</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Rogers believed that the need to love and be loved was universal, and he sought to cultivate these capacities through every program, saying in a 2004 <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433376/">documentary</a> hosted by actor Michael Keaton, one of his former stagehands, “You know, I think everybody longs to be loved, and longs to know that he or she is lovable. And consequently, the greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know they’re loved and capable of loving.” It turns out that in encouraging people to love one another, Rogers was actually helping us take better care of ourselves.</p>
<h2>Love and health</h2>
<p>There are many ways in which love and kindness are good for health, especially in such difficult times. For one thing, they tend to reduce <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27100366">factors</a> that undermine it. Doing something nice for someone causes the release of endorphins, which help to relieve pain. People who make kindness a habit have lower levels of <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/12/17/460030338/be-kind-unwind-how-helping-others-can-help-keep-stress-in-check">stress hormones</a> such as cortisol. Intentionally helping others can even lower levels of <a href="https://health.clevelandclinic.org/acts-kindness-can-ease-social-anxiety/">anxiety</a> in individuals who normally avoid social situations.</p>
<p>Carrying out acts of kindness, or even merely <a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_our_bodies_react_human_goodness">witnessing</a> them, also increases levels of <a href="https://www.hormone.org/hormones-and-health/hormones/oxytocin">oxytocin</a>, a hormone with <a href="https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/0ac8/c14228b62b9c87636f5b6eb536a434fd04de.pdf">health benefits</a> as diverse as lowering blood pressure, promoting good sleep and reducing cravings for drugs such as cocaine and alcohol. Who wasn’t touched and uplifted by the news that one of the nurses treating the shooter is Jewish, and that the Jewish president of the hospital where he was treated stopped in to check on him? </p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/sWfZN2_nUUg?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">Dr. Jeff Cohen, president of Allegheny General Hospital and a member of Tree of Life synagogue.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>That oxytocin should have so many health benefits is not so surprising when we recall its central role in stimulating uterine contractions during birth, the letdown of milk during lactation, the pleasure associated with orgasm and pair bonding.</p>
<p>Acts of generosity and compassion also appear to be good for mood. A <a href="https://dash.harvard.edu/bitstream/handle/1/11189976/dunn,%20aknin,%20norton_prosocial_cdips.pdf?sequence=1">2010 study</a> showed that while people with money tend to be somewhat happier than those without it, people who spend money on others report even greater levels of happiness, an effect that can be detected even in toddlers. When people give money to others, areas of the brain associated with <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17569866">pleasure</a> are activated, and this response is greater when the transfer is voluntary rather than mandatory.</p>
<p>Such happiness can have big benefits in longevity. For example, a <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1758-0854.2010.01045.x">review</a> of 160 published studies concluded that there is compelling evidence that life satisfaction and optimism are associated with better health and enhanced longevity. Another <a href="http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2011/10/happiness-associated-longer-life">study</a> of older people showed that, even after correcting for other factors such as age, disease and health habits, those who rated their happiness highest were 35 percent less likely to die in five years than those who were least content.</p>
<h2>What would Mister Rogers say?</h2>
<p>Of course, Rogers would remind us that there are reasons to be committed to love and kindness that extend far beyond their health benefits. Rogers was, after all, not a physician but a minister, and ultimately he was ministering to an aspect of human wholeness that cannot be analyzed by blood tests or visualized with CT scans. In a <a href="https://news.dartmouth.edu/news/2018/03/revisiting-fred-rogers-2002-commencement-address">commencement address</a> at Dartmouth College in 2002, he focused less on the body than what he might have called the spirit:</p>
<p>“When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed.”</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/222240/original/file-20180607-137309-1diror5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/222240/original/file-20180607-137309-1diror5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=437&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222240/original/file-20180607-137309-1diror5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=437&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222240/original/file-20180607-137309-1diror5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=437&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222240/original/file-20180607-137309-1diror5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=549&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222240/original/file-20180607-137309-1diror5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=549&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/222240/original/file-20180607-137309-1diror5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=549&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A pair of Mister Rogers’ sneakers at the LBJ Library exhibition to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Pres. Johnson signing the public broadcasting act in 1967.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Jay Godwin/LBJ Foundation</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>When Rogers encouraged children to be kinder and more loving, he believed that he was not only promoting public health but also nurturing the most important part of a human being – the part that exhibits a divine spark. As Rogers indicated in another <a href="https://archive.org/details/rogers_speech_5_27_01">commencement speech</a> the year before at Middlebury College, “I believe that appreciation is a holy thing, that when we look for what’s best in the person we happen to be with at the moment, we’re doing what God does; so in appreciating our neighbor, we’re participating in something truly sacred.”</p>
<p>In expressing such deeply religious sentiments, Rogers was not trying to undermine a concern with bodily health. In fact, he regularly encouraged his viewers to adopt healthy life habits, and Rogers himself was a committed <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-g-long/what-would-mister-rogers-eat_b_6193910.html">vegetarian</a> and lifelong swimmer who maintained a low body weight his entire life. Yet he also believed that health alone does not a full life make, and he regarded the soundness of the body as but part of the wellness of whole persons and communities, which may explain why he was able to face his own mortality with such equanimity.</p>
<p>Rogers’ message could not be more relevant to a time of mass shootings driven by blind hatred. Just a few months before he died, Rogers recorded a <a href="https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/watch-fred-rogers-heart-warming-final-message-grownup-fans">message</a> for the many adult fans who had grown up watching “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.” In it, he practiced what he preached, saying:</p>
<p>“I would like to tell you what I often told you when you were much younger. I like you just the way you are. And what’s more, I’m so grateful to you for helping the children in your life to know that you’ll do everything you can to keep them safe. And to help them express their feelings in ways that will bring healing in many different neighborhoods. It’s such a good feeling to know that we’re lifelong friends.”</p>
<p><em>Editor’s note: This is an updated version of an <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-mister-rogers-message-of-love-and-kindness-is-good-for-your-health-97970">article</a> that was published June 8, 2018.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/105895/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Richard Gunderman does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Fred Rogers was not blind to evil, but he still taught love in the face of it. His real neighborhood under attack, his neighbors showed love and forgiveness that can teach and inspire us all.
Richard Gunderman, Chancellor's Professor of Medicine, Liberal Arts, and Philanthropy, Indiana University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/99738
2018-09-19T20:14:25Z
2018-09-19T20:14:25Z
The Australian war film Jirga is a lesson in Afghan forgiveness
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235958/original/file-20180912-133889-14y3h8x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Mike Wheeler (Sam Smith) and his taxi driver (Sher Alam Miskeen Ustad) in Jirga.</span> </figcaption></figure><p><em>Review: Jirga</em></p>
<p><em>Spoiler alert: this reviews contains details of Jirga’s plot.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>It is cathartic when a war movie takes us far beyond the horror of bullets, bomb and blood into the other side of the battlefield — the emotional impact on individuals. </p>
<p>The Australian production Jirga mines the depth of the heartache and guilt experienced by an Australian ex-soldier whose conscience has caught up with his participation in a night raid on a desolate hamlet in Kandahar. In doing so, it moves away from run-of-the-mill cinematic depictions of this war, laden with stereotypical, nationalistic hubris.</p>
<p>Jirga is the story of Mike Wheeler, who kills an unarmed civilian in a thundery, blazing raid on a far-flung village in southern Afghanistan. Three years later, he travels to the same village, seeking forgiveness. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235962/original/file-20180912-133895-11xodzl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Sam Smith as Mike Wheeler: a former soldier who killed an unarmed civilian in a night raid in Kandahar.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Felix Media, Screen Australia</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Sam Smith plays Wheeler admirably. Early in the film, he turns back and looks ruefully at his victim’s body, which is being dragged home by his wife and a child. Later, back in Kabul, he makes friends with a taxi driver, played by Sher Alam Miskeen Ustad, who sometimes sings while driving.</p>
<p>Wheeler begs the driver to take him to Kandahar, the Afghan historical city named by Alexander the Great now regarded as a highly dangerous place. The cabbie vehemently resists the request. Eventually, after an offer of considerable money, he agrees to drive Wheeler into the most dangerous terrain infested with Taliban militants.</p>
<p>Cabbies are famous for their gift of the gab. You can charm them, <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/How_to_Travel_with_a_Salmon.html?id=3bytC0aZs5IC&redir_esc=y">wrote the Italian philosopher and semiotician, Umberto Eco</a>, by punctuating the conversation with “frequent interjections on the order of ‘it’s a crazy world!’.” This is what the hashish-smoking cabbie says in his beautiful Pashtu songs:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Like streams, tears roll past my collar down my neck,</p>
<p>This is a crazy brutal world, there is no one to have mercy on me.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Along their journey, Wheeler is stopped at a Taliban check point but he manages to flee when their barrage of bullets misses him. The second time, he isn’t so lucky. Captured by the Taliban he is taken to their mountain hideout. They are divided as to whether to kill him or demand a huge ransom for his release. </p>
<p>The Taliban’s commander decides to leave the villagers to pass a verdict on Wheeler’s fate in their Jirga — the traditional assembly, part of the non-written, age-old Afghan ethical code of honour, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pashtunwali">Pashtunwali</a>. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235961/original/file-20180912-133877-a886vj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Mike Wheeler (Sam Smith) at the Jirga.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Felix Media,Screen Australia</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The Jirga unanimously passes a resolution that the only one who is able to forgive or kill Wheeler is a 10-year-old orphan of the dead villager. Wheeler’s statement, to use once he is confronted with the villagers, is translated into Pashtun: “I killed someone, please forgiveness.”</p>
<p>When Wheeler knocks at the door of his victim’s family, he realizes that the person he killed was, in fact, the village musician. In a highly emotional scene, while all eyes are on him, the dead man’s son pensively gazes at the soldier. Then he sheathes his dagger. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235960/original/file-20180912-133880-nahi99.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The dead man’s son.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Felix Media, Screen Australia</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>“Forgiveness is mightier and [more] honourable than taking revenge,” the jubilant villagers burst into shouts. They then slaughter a ram on behalf of Wheeler — a ceremonious symbol of forgiving the enemy. The orphan also refuses to accept wads of the US dollars the ex-soldier offers as blood money. So finally, forgiveness and compassion win over revenge — a virtue in Afghan tribal culture.</p>
<p>American director Peter Berg previously brought the code of honour, Pashtunwali, to screen in his war movie, <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1091191/">Lone Survivor</a> (2013), and combined it with a hyped-up American nationalism.</p>
<p>However, Jirga’s director Benjamin Gilmour depicts a bare-bones portrayal of the Afghan tradition. The rich and dense imagery of the rugged beauties of the Afghan mountains, eerie gorges, and the penetrating sound of the Afghan <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugNW8Q_OOv8">Rubab</a> mingled with Western chillout music shine, as does the innovative cinematography. </p>
<p>Jirga has a clear message to everyone - the Taliban, the Westerners, and the Afghans - even in the horror of warfare you can’t escape moral accountability.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=337&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235963/original/file-20180912-133901-j65vwi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Taliban soldiers in Jirga.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Felix Media, Screen Australia</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>And indeed, in his trials and tribulations, Wheeler isn’t alone. Gilmour gives his own account, as a story-within-the-story, of his struggles experienced while making it. </p>
<p>To avoid risking their lives by filming in Afghanistan, Gilmour and his crew first travelled to Pakistan to shoot the film in the tribal area along <a href="https://www.britannica.com/event/Durand-Line">the Durand Line</a>, the imaginary and disputed border between Afghanistan and Pakistan. </p>
<p>A sympathetic person in Pakistan was ready to fund the film’s production to the tune of $100,000. But after reading its screenplay, the infamous Pakistani military spy agency, the ISI rejected Gilmour’s plan to film there, which led to the financier pulling out of the deal. </p>
<p>The film maker and his crew then decided to shoot Jirga in the most dangerous place on earth, Kandahar, at all costs.</p>
<hr>
<p><em>A screening of Jirga followed by a Q&A with director Benjamin Gilmour, lead actor Sam Smith and producer John Maynard, will be held at
Hayden Orpheum Picture Palace in Sydney on September 20 at 6.30pm. Jirga opens in Australian cinemas on September 27.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/99738/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ehsan Azari Stanizai does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Jirga has a clear message to the Taliban, Westerners, and other Afghans - even in the horror of warfare you can’t escape moral accountability.
Ehsan Azari Stanizai, Lecturer in literary studies, National Institute of Dramatic Art
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/75593
2017-10-09T23:42:06Z
2017-10-09T23:42:06Z
How the stoicism of Roman philosophers can help us deal with depression
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/189210/original/file-20171006-25772-1uz37na.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">The statue of Marcus Aurelius Piazza del Campidoglio in Rome.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffd/79900576/in/photolist-84vE9-aaMVPn-nZCjjs-8m2kK8-nfBNed-GmWNKE-paZLDc-4TavMg-bW6buV-j1xiuN-6G6oyC-8c9fkp-Jmxar2-nvFF2f-eSWTiv-e8GDgQ-8TJQ3V-25WrfM-7sk448-4pez75-dqc9pW-fPG6s-fczxWL-fesjaW-eaN9th-a6W9yL-njyzY8-qcykA9-8cagXp-GmWPFC-7hwScp-3bg9x4-j1wB3f-8gqzfE-8LV5UU-7hAPas-sGqpU-68pRMc-5nquBt-dV9uiv-9RoMR6-dwmSex-ohwuYo-j1wrHn-9TW7Jz-j1z4uS-2JQuy-j1ynbA-aAyL1b-JieG9">Jeff</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Depression is on the rise. A study conducted by the World Health Organization found <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/mar/31/depression-is-leading-cause-of-disability-worldwide-says-who-study">an increase of 20 percent</a> in depression cases within just a decade.</p>
<p>I work on a university campus. One might expect such a place to feel vibrant and energetic, but lately there seems to be more fatigue and malaise. Even for me, on some days it can feel hard to face the world. </p>
<p>As a scholar of ancient philosophy and a practicing <a href="http://modernstoicism.com/">stoic</a>, I have found great solace in the works of Roman stoic philosophers such as <a href="http://www.iep.utm.edu/marcus/">Marcus Aurelius</a>, emperor of Rome, and <a href="http://www.iep.utm.edu/epictetu/">Epictetus</a>, teacher of Stoic philosophy and a former slave. </p>
<p>What tools do these ancient thinkers offer to deal with depression? </p>
<p>Of course, I must add here that clinical depression, which is a serious health issue and should be treated by a professional, is a different matter than the sort of ordinary depression and fatigue that most of us might feel from time to time.</p>
<h2>What is stoicism?</h2>
<p>Stoicism is based on the idea that the goal of life is to live in agreement with nature. Nature itself is defined as whole of the cosmos, including our fellow human beings. </p>
<p>Epictetus, whose school of Stoicism flourished in the second century A.D., <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html">tells us</a> how to pursue this idea. He says, “some things are under our control and some things aren’t under our control.” And, if something is not under our control, it is not worth expending energy on.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/189212/original/file-20171006-25752-1cchn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/189212/original/file-20171006-25752-1cchn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189212/original/file-20171006-25752-1cchn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189212/original/file-20171006-25752-1cchn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189212/original/file-20171006-25752-1cchn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189212/original/file-20171006-25752-1cchn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189212/original/file-20171006-25752-1cchn2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Meditations of Marcus Aurelius.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/scrc/26407841620/in/photolist-5wFPY-5Sq6EH-5RMg8F-7sk448-5qhUpF-dPti48-VyRttQ-XZJCTe-Gez6h9">W&M Libraries</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Nonetheless, there were days, even for these thinkers, when they found it hard to carry on with their duties. Marcus Aurelius, who, as emperor of the Roman Empire from A.D. 161-180, was the most powerful man in the world, makes clear in one of the passages of his “Meditations,” that he is struggling to get out of bed. So, he <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.5.five.html">tells himself</a>, </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“I am rising to do the work of a human being. Why, then, am I so irritable if I am going out to do what I was born to do and what I was brought into this world for? Or was I created for this, to lie in bed and warm myself under the bedclothes?” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>He also acknowledges how this exhortation may or may not be effective some days. So, even if he drags himself into the world, Marcus highlights <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.2.two.html">what he may face</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“Say to yourself at the start of the day, I shall meet with meddling, ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, and unsociable people.” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>While this observation may seem not very helpful, insofar as it focuses the attention on all these negative possibilities and hardships, there is a very important stoic point here. One could ask, why would reminding oneself of hardships be beneficial?</p>
<h2>Meeting the world on stoic terms</h2>
<p>Stoic philosopher Epictetus provides an answer – it can help us anticipate possibilities and prepare us for what may come. He <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html">says</a> in the “Enchiridion”:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“When you are about to undertake some action, remind yourself what sort of action it is. If you are going out for a bath, put before your mind what happens at baths – there are people who splash, people who jostle, people who are insulting, people who steal. And you will undertake the action more securely if from the start you say of it, ‘I want to take a bath and to keep my choices in accord with nature’; and likewise for each action.” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>Epictetus’ example of the Roman bath could be adapted to a contemporary context by considering the sort of things that might happen at work, while commuting, or at home. </p>
<p>Epictetus is telling us to be prepared to face situations with a realistic attitude toward what things are really like. </p>
<p>Marcus Aurelius provides <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Antoninus/meditations.2.two.html">more specific guidelines</a> on how to respond.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“I, then, can neither be harmed by these people, nor become angry with one who is akin to me, nor can I hate him, for we have come into being to work together, like feet, hands, eyelids, or the two rows of teeth in our upper and lower jaws. To work against one another is therefore contrary to nature; and to be angry with another person and turn away from him is surely to work against him.” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>In all this, what these philosophers are reminding us is that to live in accord with nature is to recognize that even the most difficult of those we might run into in the course of a day could be someone like us – someone perhaps struggling with their own malaise or malady. </p>
<p>Upon recognizing this, it is easier to be forgiving of those we disagree with. But more than that, perhaps, it makes it easier to be more forgiving of ourselves. It helps us recognize an important piece of suffering and of being human. </p>
<h2>Suffering and its solution</h2>
<p>This idea is echoed when <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html">Epictetus explains</a> the source of human suffering:</p>
<p>“What upsets people is not things themselves but their judgments about the things.” </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/189214/original/file-20171006-973-1pcvxm1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/189214/original/file-20171006-973-1pcvxm1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=760&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189214/original/file-20171006-973-1pcvxm1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=760&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189214/original/file-20171006-973-1pcvxm1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=760&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189214/original/file-20171006-973-1pcvxm1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=956&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189214/original/file-20171006-973-1pcvxm1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=956&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/189214/original/file-20171006-973-1pcvxm1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=956&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Epictetus.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Epictetus.jpg#file">Wikimedia Commons</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Being upset about something is not a function of the thing that seems upsetting; rather, it is the judgment about that thing that causes the distress. </p>
<p>Judgments, not external things or events, are the source of human suffering.</p>
<p>The remedy to all this, according to Epictetus, is really just a shift in attitude toward the things that happen. When we can face the day, with full acknowledgment of what that day might entail, and recognize that still we must go on, we can move forward. </p>
<p>That may mean letting go of the conception of how things ought to be, and accept them for what they are, even the most frustrating and depressing. </p>
<p>Then, “the work of a human being” might not seem so daunting.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/75593/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Robert S. Colter does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
A philosopher explains how to learn from the stoicism of Roman philosophers to cope with present-day troubles.
Robert S. Colter, Associate Lecturer, Philosophy, University of Wyoming
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/85193
2017-10-05T14:51:41Z
2017-10-05T14:51:41Z
Tutu’s activism for justice shows how theology can be made real
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/188779/original/file-20171004-32388-1icaddd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption"> Archbishop Desmond Tutu 's deep spirituality drove him to fight for freedom and justice.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">EPA/Nic Bothma</span></span></figcaption></figure><p><a href="http://www.sahistory.org.za/people/archbishop-emeritus-mpilo-desmond-tutu">Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu</a> is internationally acclaimed for his life and work. </p>
<p>He has become best known for his work as General Secretary of the <a href="http://www.sahistory.org.za/archive/statement-by-the-general-secretary-of-south-african-council-of-churches%2C-desmond-tutu">South African Council of Churches</a>, a base from which he led the churches in the struggle against apartheid for which he was awarded the <a href="https://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1984/tutu-facts.html">Nobel Peace Prize</a> in 1984, and his role as <a href="http://www.sahistory.org.za/dated-event/archbishop-tutu-retires-0">Anglican Archbishop of Cape Town</a> in which he continued that public role as a leading symbol of black liberation and the bane of white South Africa. </p>
<p>He is also known for his role as the chairperson of the <a href="http://www.sahistory.org.za/article/tutu-and-his-role-truth-reconciliation-commission">Truth and Reconciliation Commission</a> in which he endeavoured to help heal the nation as its father confessor; and lastly in a regularly deferred retirement, as a respected <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/International/TenWays/story?id=3389067">global elder</a> in seeking to resolve both local and international conflicts.</p>
<p>Where does one even begin to start writing in appreciation of such a person and such a life? Fortunately, my task has been defined for me. I have been asked to write about his theology, an unusual request, but important nonetheless, given the fact that everything Tutu has said and done has been shaped, not by political insight and ambition, or by ecclesiastical interests, but by his faith in God, that is, by his theology.</p>
<h2>Spiritual leader</h2>
<p>Tutu is first and foremost, a spiritual leader, a man of deep prayer. But his deep spirituality is not and has never been the piety of a religious ghetto; exactly the opposite. </p>
<p>It was this that motivated his participation in seeking justice for the downtrodden and supporting the <a href="http://www.sahistory.org.za/article/1960-1994-armed-struggle-and-popular-resistance">liberation struggle</a>. It was this that gave him the courage to confront political bullies, stand up to abuse even from within his own church, and lead protest marches in the face of overwhelming displays of state power.</p>
<p>Functionaries of the apartheid state as well as those of our current government who abuse their power, look decidedly tawdry alongside the Arch. They are no match for his moral authority, his spiritual depth, or his theological wisdom. Nor can they compete with his humility, humour or humanity.</p>
<p>Unless we begin at this point in acknowledging Tutu’s spirituality we will completely misunderstand who he is and the contribution he makes to the life of the world. Critics who label him a political priest, totally misunderstand him. Tutu is politically astute, but he has had no personal political ambitions, nor was or is he a member of any political party.</p>
<h2>Reconciliatory ministry</h2>
<p>His social engagement began as he daily celebrated the <a href="https://www.ewtn.com/faith/teachings/eucha1a.htm">Eucharist</a>, listening in the silence to discern what needed to be said and done in the public arena. He had learnt this from his earliest teachers, the <a href="https://books.google.com.ng/books?id=S6UYpCoGUkgC&pg=PA25&lpg=PA25&dq=Fathers+of+the+Community+of+the+Resurrection+in+Rosettenville&source=bl&ots=YrN70Xk0-4&sig=AtpDlGmPQfTRNDeyckq5YdTZoek&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiE2Mqe79bWAhUJsY8KHY7MCLIQ6AEILzAB#v=onepage&q=Fathers%20of%20the%20Community%20of%20the%20Resurrection%20in%20Rosettenville&f=false">Fathers of the Community of the Resurrection</a> in Rosettenville and <a href="http://www.sahistory.org.za/place/sophiatown">Sophiatown</a>, among them <a href="http://www.sahistory.org.za/people/father-trevor-huddleston">Trevor Huddleston</a>, whose scathing critique of apartheid, <a href="https://archive.org/details/naughtforyourcom001856mbp"><em>Naught for your Comfort</em>,</a> remains a classic.</p>
<p>It goes without saying that Tutu was well versed in the theological doctrines of Christian faith. In particular he had a profound understanding of the incarnational character of Christianity, the faith conviction that</p>
<blockquote>
<p>God was in Christ reconciling the world.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Therefore, he stressed the incarnational and reconciling ministry of the church in the life of the world. He discerned the image of God imprinted on the face of all human beings, and believed that despite their sins, none was beyond redemption. Thus forgiveness and the inclusive embrace of the other are fundamental to human and social well-being.</p>
<p>His favourite theological theme was the <a href="http://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/transfiguration/">Transfiguration</a>, a symbol of hope and encouragement in times of darkest despair when the cross looms large and suffering becomes inevitable though potentially redemptive. Tutu drank deeply from the wells of the Hebrew prophets whose words inspired his own as he challenged evil, spoke truth to power and words of hope to the powerless. All the while, he was being drawn deeper into the mystery of God as he journeyed into the suffering of people and trying to find meaning in the darkest of times. On one occasion, in speaking about the untimely death of a young Christian leader, he cried out</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://kairossouthernafrica.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/2012-steve-de-gruchy-memorial-lecture-archbishop-emeritus-desmond-tutu/">God is God’s worst enemy!</a></p>
</blockquote>
<p>That is when theology becomes real – when the very word God becomes difficult to utter, when God is apparently absent. It is at the cross that faith is born. That is the faith of Desmond Tutu; the faith that enabled him to fight injustice and provide leadership in the struggle against oppression. That is Tutu’s theology, profoundly simple, yet simply profound.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/85193/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>John de Gruchy does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Archbishop Desmond Tutu is first and foremost, a spiritual leader, a man of deep prayer. This motivated his participation in supporting South Africa’s liberation struggle.
John de Gruchy, Emeritus Professor of Christian Studies, University of Cape Town
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/72461
2017-02-09T03:47:15Z
2017-02-09T03:47:15Z
What is the true meaning of mercy?
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156096/original/image-20170208-17345-i0qauy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Mercy matters</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/wolfsoul/2076655915/in/photolist-4avpsk-bJaZHF-bJb1f4-3n6RBN-t1K7c-dVy7PS-9i4vFj-esLjSX-6H5UmZ-9or6Mp-d3zcbY-eqW6ar-6c6KrU-8ukgsq-6DLMyo-4fEWQX-6sGyir-4fEZkM-4xHKDE-2tNemo-zTKS1-5EW9MF-2HyjW6-8cGEws-qxtcma-agbocw-dJu49c-8Um8wF-kGvtF5-71T1u3-o54gg6-7oAg1t-cNPbqu-dYqzeW-83z66m-cyKQjb-dJu9p4-c2FgcL-61nxE2-9oqG18-qSRTSJ-4iD2e-CD5cP-nvdrEV-4xwTNF-nroJw7-8u457R-5GGcFe-dEQpbD-9BUznK">Romel</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The world seems to be witnessing increasing levels of violence, fear and hatred that challenge us each day. There are <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-the-bible-says-about-welcoming-refugees-72050">ongoing debates</a> about how or whether to welcome immigrants and refugees to the United States; news headlines remind us about the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/dec/21/aleppo-syria-war-destruction-then-and-now-in-pictures">plight of Syria</a> and about the <a href="http://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/proof/2016/10/moises-saman-isis-qa/">horrors of the Islamic State</a>. </p>
<p>In such times, talk about mercy may seem more like wishful thinking. But mercy matters – now more than ever.</p>
<p>The extraordinary <a href="https://www.osv.com/OSVNewsweekly/Story/TabId/2672/ArtMID/13567/ArticleID/17147/Pope-Francis-declares-extraordinary-Holy-Year-of-Mercy.aspx">Holy Year of Mercy</a> called by Pope Francis ended in November 2016. Pope Francis <a href="http://www.newsweek.com/pope-francis-urges-trump-be-ethical-inauguration-2017-545477">has encouraged President Donald Trump</a> to draw upon “the rich spiritual and ethical values that have shaped the history of the American people.” </p>
<p>I recently wrote about mercy in a book, <a href="https://www.osv.com/Shop/Product?ProductCode=T1746">“Mercy Matters: Opening Yourself to the Life Changing Gift</a>.” Mercy has touched my life <a href="https://www.ncronline.org/blogs/distinctly-catholic/review-mathew-schmalzs-book-mercy-matters">in many ways</a> – such as in my recovery from alcoholism and through my experiences as an adopted child. So, to me, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjpDju_SXJw">mercy is</a> a “<a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=WD_-CwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_atb#v=onepage&q&f=false">love that responds to human need in an unexpected or unmerited way</a>.” </p>
<p>At its core, mercy is forgiveness. The Bible speaks of God’s love for sinners – that is, for all of us. But the Bible also relates mercy to other qualities beyond love and forgiveness.</p>
<p>So, how can we begin to understand the true meaning of mercy?</p>
<h2>Mercy in the Hebrew Bible</h2>
<p>Christians usually understand the “Hebrew Bible” as the “Old Testament,” which is replaced by the “New Testament” of Jesus Christ as found in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. </p>
<p>How Christianity has interpreted the Hebrew Bible, often not fully appreciating its Jewish context, continues to be a matter of scholarly debate. But many Christians see connections between themes expressed in the “Old Testament” and Christ’s later teachings about the importance of mercy.</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156094/original/image-20170208-17333-1vlhin7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156094/original/image-20170208-17333-1vlhin7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156094/original/image-20170208-17333-1vlhin7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156094/original/image-20170208-17333-1vlhin7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156094/original/image-20170208-17333-1vlhin7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156094/original/image-20170208-17333-1vlhin7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156094/original/image-20170208-17333-1vlhin7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The Hebrew Bible.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/firewalljc/3933345855/in/photolist-6ZzqFR-eQUozm-4VfejV-8LRQzj-62d97v-75zgtG-ffH4gf-5Y9GoZ-9dpHgJ-FHGBXV-aegj87-6zUbUc-9DCTzz-9rTHhf-6ctLJ-kiPm9T-GyAS1M-9uxRAo-5YdW5b-eTrJcy-dBgCy1-dmdf72-8KrPJp-bzSUdW-7pt7zK-5Suu7a-bGpH8B-8zkkAp-kAgEEK-EFHKv7-FL7E5Q-iFbj9P-5LREDU-e35fMD-aAEZsG-EZPq7C-EC1ZGM-9DCU8v-EGokcy-FDgdTM-bGpGTv-bWUKGn-bK53s2-FHvvBF-HKXqJ-e8pftz-GonQQ6-8RW6XU-EszH2s-FtGF4H">FirewallJC</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In the Hebrew Bible, there is a cluster of related words that are often translated as “mercy,” depending upon where they appear in the text. There is <a href="http://www.jewishmag.com/20mag/hebrew/hebrew.htm">“ahavah,”</a> which refers to God’s enduring love for Israel, much like the love between husband and wife. Then there is <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/7356.htm">“Rachamim,”</a> which comes from the root word “rechem,” or womb, and therefore might be more literally understood as suggesting a “maternal connection” between God and human beings. </p>
<p>In a famous passage from <a href="http://biblehub.com/commentaries/ellicott/psalms/85.htm">Psalm 85</a> that speaks of the <a href="http://www.religion.ucsb.edu/faculty/thomas/classes/rgst116b/JewishHistory.html">Israelites’ return from exile</a>, it is said that when “mercy and truth have met together, righteousness and peace have kissed.” </p>
<p>“<a href="http://www.bible-researcher.com/chesed.html">Chesed</a>,” the word translated as “mercy” in this verse, additionally suggests God’s quality of “steadfast loyalty.” The psalm thus relates steadfastness and mercy with “truth” – in Hebrew “<a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/571.htm">emet</a>”– which means behaving ethically and being faithful to God’s will.</p>
<h2>Mercy in the Christian gospels</h2>
<p>A point of connection between the Jewish and Christian traditions is what is called the “Great Hallel.” <a href="http://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/hallel/">Hallel</a> means “praise” and refers to a group of psalms regularly recited at the time of the new moon as well as during important Jewish feasts like <a href="http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday5.htm">Tabernacles or Sukkot</a>, which commemorates the period the Jewish people spent in the desert on their journey to the <a href="http://www.jewfaq.org/israel.htm">Promised Land</a>. </p>
<p>The great Hallel is the refrain of Psalm 136 that celebrates how God’s “<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+136&version=NKJV">mercy endures forever</a>.” Some scholars believe Jesus <a href="https://www.christiancentury.org/article/2011-03/and-jesus-sang">sang the Great Hallel</a> with his disciples when they went out to the <a href="http://biblehub.com/niv/matthew/26.htm">Mount of Olives</a> after the <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+26:17-30">Last Supper</a>, the final meal that he shared with his Apostles before his crucifixion.</p>
<p>Mercy sets the context for many of Jesus’ teachings. In the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/religion/story/matthew.html">Gospel of Matthew</a>, Jesus tells the story of the “<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+18:21-35">unmerciful servant</a>” who has his own debt wiped away but refuses to forgive another servant who only owed him a few cents.</p>
<p>The story teaches us that we need to forgive others, because we have been forgiven ourselves.</p>
<h2>Jesus as the face of mercy</h2>
<p>Also in Matthew’s gospel, Jesus <a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/9-13.htm">tells his disciples</a> to understand the meaning of the phrase: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>Perhaps most significantly for Christians, Jesus shows us what it means to be merciful: He healed the sick, welcomed the stranger and pardoned those who persecuted and killed him. </p>
<p>As Pope Francis tells us in <a href="https://w2.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/apost_letters/documents/papa-francesco_bolla_20150411_misericordiae-vultus.html">Misericordiae Vultus</a>, his letter introducing the Holy Year of Mercy, Jesus’ mercy is not abstract but “visceral” – it’s something that quite literally changes us from the inside out. </p>
<p>And Christians believe that this visceral aspect of mercy comes in the personal relationship Jesus promises to all of us: a relationship based on forgiveness and love, reconciliation and truth. As Pope Francis writes in the very first sentence of <a href="https://w2.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/apost_letters/documents/papa-francesco_bolla_20150411_misericordiae-vultus.html">Misericordiae Vultus</a>, </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“Jesus Christ is the face of God’s mercy.”</p>
</blockquote>
<h2>Practicing mercy</h2>
<p>According to the Bible, mercy does matter: It matters because we all need forgiveness. But mercy also matters because it is what can join us all together in spite of our differences.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156093/original/image-20170208-17328-t92dcm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156093/original/image-20170208-17328-t92dcm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156093/original/image-20170208-17328-t92dcm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156093/original/image-20170208-17328-t92dcm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156093/original/image-20170208-17328-t92dcm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156093/original/image-20170208-17328-t92dcm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156093/original/image-20170208-17328-t92dcm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Protest against the immigrant ban in Minneapolis, Minnesota.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/fibonacciblue/32600494826/in/photolist-REN4k1-884UPZ-62tQrZ-fsR5Cq-986eJa-65tjWZ-pFneZm-62yNbs-62rrpp-65tyxM-cPJ565-64sgvS-9WRaHV-jCcszN-aeABBS-BVz62k-65xSyE-fv9DwR-62ytSy-65yfsq-62rwET-9XMkdC-4wtUS-62zNM9-rYGNHS-4vrgoH-edZZQF-9NrA4t-QqP5mX-65rpVf-rYQUhn-sgfhrT-65tA6X-65oMpP-ds95HJ-65u9CK-dWYiEE-62rAPM-pXGGBi-65rxiP-ftd5rP-62vLUL-65wNdd-64AFR9-ftsuPd-65yqHs-62yMQm-65yYQd-65vyV9-65uUmc">Fibonacci Blue</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>But what does it mean – in concrete terms – to be <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/2015/09/26/8e1faa4c-6488-11e5-b38e-06883aacba64_story.html?utm_term=.261dea06c9b5">merciful to the refugee, the immigrant</a>, not to mention to those nations, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/18/nyregion/immigration-child-migrant-surge-in-New-York-City.html">institutions</a> and communities that face the challenge of welcoming them? What does mercy mean in Syria? What is a merciful response to the atrocities of the Islamic State, or ISIL/ISIS – a group that has been merciless in persecuting <a href="https://www.hrw.org/news/2014/07/19/iraq-isis-abducting-killing-expelling-minorities">Christians, Yazidi and the Shia</a>? How might mercy shape the Trump administration’s response to Iran <a href="http://www.aljazeera.com/news/2017/02/slaps-sanctions-iran-missile-test-170203154253182.html">following its missile tests</a>, or to the <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/15/world/asia/china-spratly-islands.html?_r=0">Chinese expansion in the Spratly Islands</a> and the South China Sea?</p>
<p>I certainly can’t say how mercy can be specifically applied to these challenges: The possibilities, and pitfalls, are as numerous as the various meanings associated with mercy in the Bible itself.</p>
<p>But I would like to suggest a starting point for thinking about how mercy matters. In a recent discussion about my book <a href="https://www.facebook.com/mercymatters/">“Mercy Matters</a>,” a participant related how she’s been watching both Fox News and MSNBC in a effort to expose herself to different views about crucial issues facing the United States. I never learned whether she was a Democrat or a Republican; a liberal, conservative or libertarian. </p>
<p>But what I did learn is that mercy begins by opening oneself to those with whom one might strongly disagree. Mercy doesn’t end there, of course, but it begins with such small acts of understanding, which can lead to life-changing experiences of love.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72461/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Mathew Schmalz does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
A scholar explains how mercy could be a simple act of opening oneself to those with opposing views.
Mathew Schmalz, Associate Professor of Religion, College of the Holy Cross
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/71774
2017-01-26T20:55:02Z
2017-01-26T20:55:02Z
Exploring the complexities of forgiveness
<p>Friday, Jan. 27 is International Holocaust Remembrance Day – an annual day that honors the memories of the victims of the Nazi era. Seven decades after Hitler perpetrated his terrible genocide on the Jewish people, the world is faced with a disturbing question: Can the Nazis be forgiven?</p>
<p>As a member of a Jewish family that endured the war, this is more of an emotional question. I grew up in Australia, where my grandparents came after the war. I was surrounded by many survivors – members of my own family among them. Australia has the <a href="https://www.mja.com.au/journal/2011/194/4/ageing-holocaust-survivors-australia">highest number</a> of Holocaust survivors per capita outside Israel. </p>
<p>I grew up in a community of these remarkable people, but not once did I hear the topic of forgiveness for the Nazis discussed. The Nazis hardly warranted their consideration. Instead, what prevailed was the distinctive Jewish response to the tragedy of the Holocaust of not asking why, but what do we do now. Invariably the answer was a single-minded determination and commitment to rebuilding a new generation of proud and committed Jews.</p>
<p>As a rabbi and teacher, however, I see the question as more complicated. It challenges us toward a more profound examination of some of Judaism’s deepest ethical mores and theological beliefs.</p>
<h2>Forgiveness: What is it?</h2>
<p>First, it is important to understand the concept of forgiveness and its place in Jewish belief and practice.</p>
<p>In the Jewish belief there is a distinction between forgiveness and consequences. Lack of consequences is not synonymous with forgiveness and negative consequences does not equate with lack of forgiveness, as in forgiving one’s child for demonstrating carelessness or inconsideration while still holding her accountable. </p>
<p>Rather, according to <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/911908/jewish/Teshuvah-Chapter-Seven.htm">Jewish teaching</a>, the essence of forgiveness is that the forgiver allows for his relationship with the forgiven to be healed. It is a way of saying to the offender, </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“You have hurt, you have injured, you have wronged, and you will suffer the consequences – but despite all that, I accept you, and I can still have a relationship with you.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>So, why forgive?</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154325/original/image-20170125-23854-ct6w7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154325/original/image-20170125-23854-ct6w7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154325/original/image-20170125-23854-ct6w7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154325/original/image-20170125-23854-ct6w7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154325/original/image-20170125-23854-ct6w7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154325/original/image-20170125-23854-ct6w7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154325/original/image-20170125-23854-ct6w7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">What does Judaism say about forgiveness?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/gtwiggs/58822134/in/photolist-6ctLJ-atgwUB-8yhKSf-e7eNdT-pFE9Me-9gBc4C-5uhyHz-63CV4c-5uhrrr-dkVGrD-bmPGrX-7QBfzv-dJu49c-9EVAjB-6QJdyp-dSz74c-fj8rD-9hLP5g-qzgDoN-8ppkn5-pMPsPi-6fSXcE-8XgMPk-dtsRHQ-4s2K9w-KgeeK-4NeZqh-bmPKXH-9rs9Tz-7dweuQ-6dpxzW-7yGCdL-co3tss-9EVyDp-avtDCx-9EYuzf-dYqzeW-nqocft-ERufb5-8rPkCX-4k4PP2-9Y4Hqr-8LTb5G-dJu9p4-b47brz-99y7WN-a3ehza-bmPJep-6fNE8x-skPfwv">Glenn Twiggs</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Judaism teaches that the concept of forgiveness constitutes one of the most essential fundamentals of the human relationship with God and with each other. </p>
<p>Throughout the Bible there are numerous examples of <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/9895/jewish/Chapter-34.htm">God forgiving human sin</a> and humans forgiving their <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/8215/jewish/Chapter-20.htm">fellow beings</a>. Furthermore, one of the <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/9975/jewish/Chapter-11.htm">basic principles of Jewish ethics</a> is that humans are mandated to emulate the divine characteristics through which God relates to us. </p>
<p>Thus, just as He is kind, merciful and forgiving, so too must we strive to conduct our own lives in the same manner toward others. And indeed, inasmuch as every human being is imperfect and needs the favor of forgiveness from God and from his fellows, Judaism’s <a href="http://www.sefaria.org/Shabbat.31a?lang=bi">“Golden Rule”</a> necessitates that we be prepared to grant others the very same favor that we expect from them.</p>
<p>But far from being just a necessary but regrettable allowance, Judaism teaches that the practice of forgiveness was divinely designed from the very outset of creation. Thus, the reason why God deliberately <a href="http://www.sefaria.org/Bereishit_Rabbah.3?lang=bi">created us imperfect</a> is because through the process of sin and reconciliation, both the forgiver and the forgiven can experience tremendous <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/tanya/tanya_cdo/aid/7906/jewish/Chapter-27.htm">personal and religious growth</a>. </p>
<p>It is common experience that when two people in a relationship are able to forgive one another for their flaws and offenses, this process draws them even closer than they would have been had the offense never taken place.</p>
<h2>Elements of forgiveness</h2>
<p>Yet, everything has its limitations. So, what are the parameters of forgiveness, and what are the requirements for it to be earned?</p>
<p>According to Jewish law, a <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/911891/jewish/Teshuvah-Chapter-Two.htm">person may not expect forgiveness</a> unless he undergoes a sincere effort to perform “teshuvah,” meaning “repentance” or “return.” The elements of teshuvah include rigorous self-examination and require the perpetrator to engage with the victim, by confessing, expressing regret and making every effort possible to right the wrong that he committed. </p>
<p>By sincerely fulfilling all of these elements of “teshuvah,” the offender has done everything in his power to earn the right to ask the victim for forgiveness. So, <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/911891/jewish/Teshuvah-Chapter-Two.htm">Jewish law states</a> that a truly repentant “returnee” whose repeated requests for forgiveness are rejected on three occasions by his victim, has done all he can and need not make further efforts at reconciliation. At this point, the blame for the lack of resolution is transferred to the victim of the original offense.</p>
<p>It remains clear, however, that if the perpetrator fails to perform the requirements of teshuvah, forgiveness has not been earned and cannot be granted. For while granting earned forgiveness is an act of grace that may be emotionally restorative, uplifting and inspiring, nevertheless, to grant unearned forgiveness is not kind but callous, and can only further desensitize both the perpetrator and the victim to distinctions of morality. </p>
<h2>Not on behalf of another</h2>
<p>Consequently, if the victim is no longer alive, is absent or otherwise unable to receive the perpetrator’s teshuvah, the possibility for the perpetrator to seek forgiveness is <a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/911898/jewish/Teshuvah-Chapter-Four.htm">seriously impeded</a>. For at no time can any person presume to offer forgiveness to a perpetrator of a crime to which he was not a victim.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154329/original/image-20170125-23858-1f4cx4h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154329/original/image-20170125-23858-1f4cx4h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154329/original/image-20170125-23858-1f4cx4h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154329/original/image-20170125-23858-1f4cx4h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154329/original/image-20170125-23858-1f4cx4h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154329/original/image-20170125-23858-1f4cx4h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154329/original/image-20170125-23858-1f4cx4h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Forgiveness cannot be granted when the victims are not there to forgive.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/us_embassy_newzealand/16301426229/in/photolist-qQv55V-jyVXpD-njX49P-jyXT9o-jyWTLL-DwVWcC-nfWTdR-bP4UDx-9Avg9L-ubM4U-e9Dzjn-jAv6Ny-8V79fL-rSJuS3-ubLuK-8V6Kfm-rSSQca-bBGWcf-rSJDKJ-7yKgZE-rQZKWT-bzRvrq-bQBCrK-bzRvxS-rSKPGs-bBGWkm-s831hA-sagJ6n-8V72hA-8V7bf1-7yKh3L-ec84pc-8V77DW-8V3LPk-8V6WTA-8V45H4-ec7Byx-8V6TTW-8V6Lnw-7yFukR-8V6Yqf-8V3Z8Z-8V718Q-8V3JDr-sagHAV-7yFuj4-eogC6t-8V42eg-8V6MGo-8V6Qhy">US Embassy</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In such cases, the perpetrator must realize that he has no recourse to obtain forgiveness from any human being. Certainly, he must endeavor to complete all of the elements of teshuvah, which may include (for example) sincere and wholehearted efforts to make restitution to the victim’s relatives or community. </p>
<p>Ultimately, however, the only source from whom he may obtain forgiveness is from the heavenly court, and God alone will judge if his “teshuvah” has been sufficient to earn it.</p>
<h2>Why it is not possible to forgive</h2>
<p>The answer then to our original question of whether the Nazis can be forgiven becomes clear. The level of teshuvah that would be necessary to rectify the monstrous Nazi crimes would be enormous indeed. It also begs us to ask another question: Has any individual Nazi ever demonstrated this type of remorse, contrition and superhuman determination to make amends?</p>
<p>I have not heard of a single such instance. And even if there was such a person, his murdered victims are no longer alive to even consider granting forgiveness.</p>
<p>So, since we are human beings who still have a conscience to discern good from evil, the only conclusion we must come to is that we cannot in any way forgive the Nazis. To think otherwise would be to dishonor the victims of the Holocaust and to degrade our own moral compass.</p>
<h2>How can we honor the victims of the Holocaust?</h2>
<p><a href="http://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/9895/jewish/Chapter-34.htm#showrashi=true">Jewish law and thought</a> believes that the the power for good can always be stronger than the power for evil. </p>
<p>The Nazis showed a truly terrifying power for destruction and brought much darkness to the world.</p>
<p>But together we can choose to illuminate the world with the light of morality and kindness, one good deed at a time. Our efforts will surely bring our world much needed peace and harmony. As the Sages assure us, </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“a little bit of light dispels a great deal of darkness.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p><em>Rabbi Raphael Jaworowski, a Jewish scholar and writer, contributed to this article.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/71774/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Yerachmiel Gorelik does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Can the Nazis be forgiven? A rabbi explains why this question needs a more profound examination of some of Judaism’s deepest ethical mores and theological beliefs
Yerachmiel Gorelik, Lecturer, Philosophy of Traditional Judaism, Colorado State University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/68412
2016-11-21T01:21:28Z
2016-11-21T01:21:28Z
What is behind the turkey pardoning ritual?
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195872/original/file-20171122-6044-yjacpr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>President Donald Trump presided over presidential turkey pardoning, a ritual that has been in place since 1989, when President George H. W. Bush <a href="https://www.whitehousehistory.org/pardoning-the-thanksgiving-turkey">instituted</a> the practice. Since then, U.S. presidents have pardoned a turkey shortly before Thanksgiving each year.</p>
<p>Although the turkeys offer no offense, their presidential pardoning invites the question: What is the significance of such a public rite of forgiveness?</p>
<p>As a researcher of the history of race and religion, I have long been interested in the ideas and ceremonies that make forgiveness possible. The presidential turkey pardon draws on <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/1387498">the long traditions of forgiveness</a> in the world’s religions. A very public act of pardoning, as in this case, reminds us about the important role rituals themselves play in society. </p>
<h2>The many ways of forgiveness</h2>
<p>Different religious traditions <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/1387498">conceive, articulate and express forgiveness in diverse ways</a>. </p>
<p>For example, the Islamic community treats forgiveness as a process that takes place <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/10508610903146274">in front of and with the support of other Muslims</a>. It is not a solitary endeavor. Muslims expect the offender to display remorse and directly request forgiveness from the harmed party so that justice can be restored. The community does not expect that forgiveness be offered until after justice has been realized. Nonetheless, Muslims are encouraged to forgive because it represents <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jore.12025/full">a more virtuous path</a>. </p>
<p>The Jewish rabbinical tradition also links <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/40015064">forgiveness with justice</a>. As in the case of Islam, forgiveness is conceived as unfolding within the community. It is the offender’s responsibility to approach those who have been harmed. Jews celebrate their highest holiday, Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, by <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/23352765">seeking forgiveness from others</a> and from God.</p>
<p>Within the Christian tradition, the expectation is that believers will offer forgiveness whether or not those who have harmed them <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=an1ixnpgVI0C&pg=PA322&dq=Sharp+No+Partiality&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjPuYio8aXQAhXKgFQKHTQkCwMQ6AEIHTAA#v=onepage&q&f=false">have repented</a>. Forgiveness from God is not contingent upon how an adherent has acted but rather on the believer’s faith that he has been saved from God’s judgment through the <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=ilXq6SSMvxQC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Dawson+Flesh+Becomes+Word:+A+Lexicography+of+the+Scapegoat+or,+the+History+of+an+Idea&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi31sKu-aXQAhVqllQKHeT1AFMQ6AEIGzAA#v=onepage&q=Dawson%20Flesh%20Becomes%20Word%3A%20A%20Lexicography%20of%20the%20Scapegoat%20or%2C%20the%20History%20of%20an%20Idea&f=false">intervention of Jesus Christ</a>. </p>
<p>According to this belief, human failings so offend God’s sense of justice that only the death of God’s own son in the person of Jesus of Nazareth will right the balance. Christians forgive because they, too, see themselves as forgiven. These are traditional Protestant values. In contrast, Catholics emphasize <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/23352765">the fulfillment of religious observances</a> such as reciting a set number of prayers along side belief in forgiveness from God.</p>
<p>Buddhists place less value on the idea of forgiveness itself and more on <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/10508610701572788">the renunciation of anger and desire</a> for revenge. As in the case of Christianity, there is no expectation that these twin renunciations are in any way dependent upon <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/10508610701572788">the attitude and actions of the offender</a>. In other words, whether or not the offender seeks repentance is irrelevant. </p>
<p>Many Native American communities, especially those in the Southeast, ritualize the practice of forgiveness in <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=pC_TBAAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Glatzer+Native+American+Festivals+and+Ceremonies&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjz7s6P7KXQAhUB-GMKHdAaA24Q6AEIHTAA#v=onepage&q=Glatzer%20Native%20American%20Festivals%20and%20Ceremonies&f=false">the Green Corn Ceremony</a>. In this annual ritual, also known as “itse selu” or “Busk,” tribal members <a href="http://search.proquest.com.weblib.lib.umt.edu:8080/docview/1367083910/fulltext/AAD572F8CF754A93PQ/1?accountid=14593">forgive and reconcile wrongs</a> ranging from debts to adultery. <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Land_Looks_After_Us.html?id=8m9rzFam97UC">Murder is not addressed</a> through this ritual, indicating that special attention is required in the case of deeper harm.</p>
<h2>The value of rituals</h2>
<p>The Thanksgiving Day turkey pardoning draws its meaning from different religious traditions. But why does such an action take place in public? </p>
<p>The answer can be found in the role that ritual plays in binding societies. Late 19th-century sociologist <a href="http://sociology.about.com/od/Profiles/p/Emile-Durkheim.htm">Émile Durkheim</a> observed that all rites serve to periodically reaffirm a <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=3j5tyWkEZSYC&printsec=frontcover&dq=durkheim+elementary+forms+of+religious+life&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi114D-6qXQAhVNxGMKHRC6CLAQ6AEIMTAB#v=onepage&q=durkheim%20elementary%20forms%20of%20religious%20life&f=false">social group’s identity</a> through its appeal to collective values. By observing even the most common of rituals, the community expresses what is important in its collective life. Even the seemingly inane pardoning of a turkey emphasizes that the idea that public forgiveness is possible. </p>
<p>French historian and philosopher <a href="http://theweek.com/articles/587772/unlikely-christianity-ren-girard">René Girard</a> took that observation a step further by arguing that public rituals of sacrifice <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=RGVKsW5rQ1kC&dq=Girard+violence+and+the+sacred&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiZjM2s66XQAhVVzWMKHbRwDP4Q6AEIHTAA">deflected social violence</a> that would otherwise be released internally within the group. </p>
<p>In the particular instance of pardoning a turkey, the rite may seem so trite as to not apply. Yet, British anthropologist <a href="http://www.oxfordbibliographies.com/view/document/obo-9780199766567/obo-9780199766567-0074.xml">Victor Turner</a> reminds us that the drama of ritual <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Ritual_Process.html?id=gaVwAAAAQBAJ">depicts both human experience and its response to it</a>. Turner contends that such rites reduce social turmoil – both by presenting emotions and then by releasing them.</p>
<p>The ritualized pardoning of a turkey draws our attention. It connects with our desire for forgiveness from expected punishment and to a possibility that we, too, might one day be pardoned. Whether we as a nation or as individuals act on that desire is a question for our collective reflection over the upcoming holiday meal.</p>
<p><em>This is an updated version of a piece first published on Nov. 20, 2016.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/68412/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Tobin Miller Shearer does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
The presidential turkey pardoning draws on a language of forgiveness common to many religious traditions.
Tobin Miller Shearer, Director of the African-American Studies Program and Associate Professor of History, University of Montana
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/58199
2016-07-08T01:43:08Z
2016-07-08T01:43:08Z
Should parents ask their children to apologize?
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129715/original/image-20160707-30693-1qci95z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Apologies can help improve the feelings of someone hurt.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/halfchinese/139499559/in/photolist-djYmP-5qVmST-53nyk4-9oav6k-8fszc9-8W22Sf-8JbMBA-4TQDbK-9A1pK-hztRy-6MHoUL-7cj97j-2ikizn-qS1bg-dS6Xo8-78g5eB-i9Qqw-dpoQY-6ARGrV-8CtkkV-aNtitH-34cyar-6AMyjF-9usPJ6-q1SP-5345fK-Evgt66-dLFXg-bjQTqy-8SrZL4-BMoGj-bJcpg-rTh7wj-aCMDfb-6yVWRb-9v1Dxh-boHvxA-9tLmP-ocRTK6-qVbyLU-8Q2g9U-efu5CX-65QojA-48wym-6aM7rY-4DHAuN-sZdt3w-a1upRU-d6cAKb-4LziQy">Andrew Yee</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Have you ever felt deserving of an apology and been upset when you didn’t get one? Have you ever found it hard to deliver the words, <em>I’m sorry</em>? </p>
<p>Such experiences show how much apologies matter. The importance placed on apologies is shared by many cultures. Diverse cultures even share a great deal in common when it comes to how apologies are communicated.</p>
<p>When adults feel wronged, apologies have been shown to help in a variety of ways:
Apologies can <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1989-17924-001">reduce retaliation</a>; they can bring about <a href="http://www.psy.miami.edu/faculty/mmccullough/Papers/Interpers%20Forgiving_II.pdf">forgiveness</a> and empathy for wrongdoers; and they can aid in the <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2004-10572-008">repair of broken trust</a>. Further, sincere apologies have the physiological effect of <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10865-006-9062-7">lowering blood pressure more quickly</a>, especially among those who are prone to hold on to anger.</p>
<p>How do children view and experience apologies? And what do parents think about when to prompt their young ones to apologize?</p>
<h2>How children understand apologies</h2>
<p>Research shows that children as young as age four <a href="http://sites.lsa.umich.edu/craigsmith/wp-content/uploads/sites/180/2014/10/smith_chen_harris_2010.pdf">grasp the emotional implications</a> of apology. They understand, for example, that an apology can improve the feelings of someone who’s been upset. Preschoolers also judge apologizing wrongdoers to be <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1348/026151009X479475/abstract">more likable</a>, and <a href="http://www.eva.mpg.de/psycho/staff/carpenter/pdf/Vaish_et_al_2011_childrens_responses_to_guilt_displays.pdf">more desirable as partners for interaction and cooperation</a>.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=709&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=709&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=709&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=891&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=891&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129718/original/image-20160707-30713-1pmtn8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=891&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Children as young as four understand the emotional meaning of an apology.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/funkyah/310572934/in/photolist-trLvL-8BQW3S-HWMWZY-e7MGgV-jF9d6d-ej83FX-4KXnD5-7AVGYZ-81qmKN-7j3p1L-p5pRjp-7UCGu-5Axiq4-dB6Gyh-dkP8cV-QrLgW-tEsAP-9RJVJ9-3UN759-5T6reM-hs5tWT-3M1Xq-4ry9bg-dzXGsu-4KXnBb-3cmqiR-KyKQv-hAsNxS-6ydwzx-o16EEM-nQM9mU-9aX3Bg-6ghgCx-n1HZSC-eMfnrb-fv4q6H-7Rm1Yp-73vAmP-5Mvu6s-3bLiRf-bVqDQm-6TCWcv-5cPtNV-8UHSZB-Rewsz-swuwxS-5vDSaf-7qeFYE-bBUant-hAtkB3">Funkyah</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
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<p>Recent studies have tested the actual impact of apologies on children. In one such study, a group of four- to seven-year-olds received an apology from a child who failed to share, while another group did not get an apology. The participants who received the apology <a href="http://sites.lsa.umich.edu/craigsmith/wp-content/uploads/sites/180/2014/10/smith_harris_2011.pdf">felt better and viewed</a> the offending child as nicer as well as more remorseful.</p>
<p>Another study exposed children to a more distressing event: A person knocked over a tower that six- to seven-year-olds were building. Some children got an apology, some did not. In this case, a spontaneous apology did not improve children’s upset feelings. However, the apology still had an impact. Children who got an apology were willing to <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/sode.12168/abstract">share more</a> of their attractive stickers with the person who knocked over the tower compared to those who did not get an apology.</p>
<p>This finding suggests that an apology led to forgiveness in children, even if sadness about the incident understandably lingered. Notably, children <em>did</em> feel better when the other person offered to help rebuild their toppled towers. In other words, for children, both remorseful words and restorative actions make a difference.</p>
<h2>When does a child’s apology matter to parents?</h2>
<p>Although apologies carry meaning for children, views on whether parents should ask their children to apologize vary. A recent <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/we-shouldnt-make-young-children-say-sorry_b_9538472.html/">caution against apology prompting</a> was based on the mistaken notion that young children have limited social understanding. In fact, young children <a href="http://chgd.umich.edu/making-minds-how-theory-of-mind-developes-by-henry-m-wellman/">understand a great deal</a> about others’ viewpoints.</p>
<p>When and why parents prompt their children to apologize has not been systematically studied. In order to gain better insight into this question, I recently <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13229400.2016.1176588">conducted a study</a> with my colleagues <a href="http://www.education.umd.edu/HDQM/Killen-lab/people.php">Jee Young Noh and Michael Rizzo</a> at the University of Maryland and <a href="http://www.paul-lansley-harris.com/">Paul Harris</a> at Harvard University.</p>
<p>We surveyed 483 parents of three- to 10-year-old children. Most participants were mothers, but there was a sizable group of fathers as well. Parents were recruited via online parenting discussion groups and came from communities all around the U.S.. The discussion groups had a variety of orientations toward parenting. </p>
<p>In order to account for the possibility that parents might want to show themselves in the best light, we took a measure of <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/9781444316568.wiem02057/full">“social desirability bias”</a> from each parent. The results reported here emerged after we statistically corrected for the influence of this bias. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=309&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=309&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=309&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129716/original/image-20160707-30690-12eabxj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=389&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A card from daughter to mother.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/eklektikos/289352627/">Todd Ehlers</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>We asked parents to imagine their children committing what they would consider to be “transgressions.” We then asked them how likely they would be to prompt an apology in each scenario. We also asked parents to rate how important they felt it was for their children to learn to apologize in a variety of situations. Finally, we asked the parents about their general approaches to parenting.</p>
<p>The large majority of parents (96 percent) felt that it was important for their children to learn to apologize following an incident in which children upset another person on purpose. Further, 88 percent felt it was important for their children to learn to apologize in the aftermath of upsetting someone by mistake.</p>
<p>Fewer than five percent of the parents surveyed endorsed the view that apologies are empty words. However, parents were sensitive to context. </p>
<p>Parents reported being especially likely to prompt apologies following their children’s intentional and accidental “moral transgressions.” Moral transgressions involve issues of welfare, justice, and rights, such as stealing from or hurting another person. </p>
<p>Parents viewed apologies as relatively less important following their children’s transgressions of social convention (e.g., breaking a rule in a game, interrupting a conversation).</p>
<h2>Apology as a way to mend rifts</h2>
<p>It’s noteworthy that parents were very likely to anticipate prompting apologies following incidents in which their children upset others on purpose <em>and</em> by mistake.</p>
<p>This suggests that a focus for many parents, when prompting apologies, is addressing the <em>outcomes</em> of their children’s social missteps. Our data suggest that parents use apology prompts to teach their children how to manage difficult social situations, regardless of underlying intentions. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129723/original/image-20160707-30710-dc5er8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Parents may prompt an apology to mend an interpersonal rift.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/cat.mhtml?lang=en&language=en&ref_site=photo&search_source=search_form&version=llv1&anyorall=all&safesearch=1&use_local_boost=1&autocomplete_id=&search_tracking_id=-lScFLusqrxhV4kRmsdcWg&searchterm=sorry%20child&show_color_wheel=1&orient=&commercial_ok=&media_type=images&search_cat=&searchtermx=&photographer_name=&people_gender=&people_age=&people_ethnicity=&people_number=&color=&page=1&inline=286254398">Girl image via www.shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
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<p>For example, 88 percent of parents indicated that they would typically prompt an apology if their child broke a peer’s toy by mistake (in the event that the child did not apologize spontaneously).</p>
<p>Indeed, parents especially anticipated prompting apologies following accidental mishaps that involved their children’s peers (and not parents themselves as the wronged parties). When a child’s peer is a victim, parents likely recognize that apologies can quickly mend potential interpersonal rifts that may otherwise linger.</p>
<p>We also asked parents why they viewed apology prompts as important for their children. In the case of moral transgressions, parents saw these prompts as tools for helping children take responsibility. In addition, they used apology prompts for promoting empathy, teaching about harm, helping others feel better and clearing up confusing situations. </p>
<p>However, not all parents viewed the importance of apology prompting in the same way. There was a subset of parents who were relatively <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/585170?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">permissive</a>: warm and caring but not overly inclined to provide discipline or expect mature behavior from their children.</p>
<p>Most of these parents were not wholly dismissive of the importance of apologies, but they consistently indicated being less likely to provide prompting to their children, compared to the other parents in the study.</p>
<h2>When to prompt an apology</h2>
<p>Overall, most parents in our study viewed apologies as important in the lives of children. And the child development research described above indicates that many children share this view.</p>
<p>But are there more and less effective ways to prompt a child to apologize? I argue that parents should consider whether a child will offer a prompted apology willingly and sincerely. A recently completed study sheds some light on why.</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=897&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=897&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=897&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1128&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1128&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/129724/original/image-20160707-30680-lheyo1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1128&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">When should parents prompt an apology?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/konszvi/1385747452/in/photolist-37sjrs-6RLWve-771RiR-rNgtxq-bXnLqD-qZtP7-47LZyG-5CwBUK-e73s7g-5tKZ33-ahq7MN-REa5p-fUDF3V-ftqE1w-g791Ps-agwNgC-k2fv8-t1QSe-FsxKC6-8TJBua-ggm66V-83mVVT-8xqhEa-8TJBqn-5Z8LKt-afrtAs-4mRaRN-bN71Li-62CcMU-86he4a-HARj2-6j7NFT-e2WBmk-fHux9-9AZtJ9-5wFf1R-oTycGZ-zL1AS-7g7X59-dB9FFf-5irCdM-2NwAvo-oRC9Cu-2aRW9n-c4FFy-3JELrU-4gyZFW-g159iG-6mnb33-bnGefq">Zvi Kons</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/">CC BY-NC</a></span>
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<p>In this study – currently under review – we asked four- to nine-year-old children to evaluate two types of apologies that were prompted by an adult. One apology was willingly given to the victim after the apology prompt; the other apology was given only after additional adult coercion (<em>“You need to say you’re sorry!”</em>). </p>
<p>We found that 90 percent of the children viewed the recipient of the prompted, “willingly given” apology as feeling better. However, only 22 percent of the children connected a coerced apology to improved feelings in the victim.</p>
<p>So, as parents ponder the merits of prompting apologies from children, it seems important to refrain from pushing one’s child to apologize when he or she is not ready, or is simply not remorseful. Most young children don’t view coerced apologies as effective.</p>
<p>In such cases, interventions aimed at calming down, increasing empathy and making amends may be more constructive than pushing a resistant child to deliver an apology. And, of course, components like making amends can accompany willingly given apologies as well.</p>
<p>Finally, to arguments that apologies are merely <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/we-shouldnt-make-young-children-say-sorry_b_9538472.html">empty words that young children parrot</a>, it’s worth noting that we have many rituals that involve rather scripted verbal exchanges, such as when two people in love say “I do” at a wedding or commitment ceremony. </p>
<p>Just as these scripted words carry deep cultural and personal meaning, so too can other culturally valued verbal scripts, such the words in an apology. Thoughtfully teaching young children about apologizing is one aspect of teaching them how to be caring and well-regarded members of their communities.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/58199/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Craig Smith's work on the apology prompting study was supported, in part, via Award Number T32HD007109 from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health & Human Development.</span></em></p>
Research shows that even four-year-olds feel better after an apology and view people who apologize as nicer than those who don’t.
Craig Smith, Research Investigator, University of Michigan
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.
tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/43954
2015-06-26T23:54:06Z
2015-06-26T23:54:06Z
Forgiveness as the first step in reconciliation
<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/86600/original/image-20150626-1414-4db6py.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/31074376@N06/4699714954/in/photolist-8aigwb-oMGGGp-dr2BtF-kqRD8B-rWtduR-8hY3Do-5fEAZk-nPrS6j-7RTArp-garDLm-i7prJa-5RZ7Rr-iPDzFu-onxLaJ-6UBu7L-gKHKEm-ehAhdK-3bmANS-8U3PGj-ebi7dF-fCJHt4-oLhejY-5QQaeD-rJAqAb-6uM1ir-68Laqk-6RZFFb-syW9C5-8rUYFS-rC1AE3-5kDC5K-4RUwzW-7CoJWT-i8oLW5-ot421R-deDkh-qqTuue-9o968M-4XNfV5-31BYm9-o3beKD-refsfu-sCSBi7-gcTx6e-7RRHEH-cEc21u-9o99BR-fScMQj-eXTiDp-a32FY6">Alex Drennan</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>This week’s sentencing of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev for the Boston Marathon bombing and the sad aftermath of Dylann Roof’s racial killings in Charleston, South Carolina have raised the question of forgiveness in an acute fashion. </p>
<p>Can Tsarnaev and Roof ever be forgiven? Should they be forgiven?</p>
<p>Does anyone but a surviving victim or a family member even have the right to forgive? </p>
<p>And what good does an act of forgiveness do, for those who forgive and those who are forgiven?</p>
<h2>Admirable testimony</h2>
<p>We are all edified and humbled when we hear of survivors and the families of those who were killed indicating that they will forgive the murderer. </p>
<p>Such moving testimonies are admirable instances of faith standing as an alternative path to hatred, and a rejection of the impulse to punish those who have been violent, with more violence. </p>
<p>We certainly do not want to question the decision to forgive in such circumstances, even if some of worry – quietly or <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/24/opinion/why-i-cant-forgive-dylann-roof.html">aloud</a> – whether forgiveness lets the criminal off too easily. </p>
<p>And yet we know, too, that the act of forgiving is deeply rooted in some religious traditions.</p>
<h2>Christianity</h2>
<p>Jesus teaches: “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25); “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you.” (Luke 6:37-38).</p>
<p>Jesus pushes the point to the extreme, to make sure we hear it: “Then Peter came and said to him, ‘Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.’” (Matthew 18: 21-22) </p>
<p>And then there is the example of Jesus himself on the cross: “Then Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) </p>
<h2>Judaism</h2>
<p>In Jewish tradition, forgiveness can also be a matter of social restitution and reintegration, by way of the forgiveness of debts. </p>
<p>We think here of the Judaism’s [Jubilee year](<a href="http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/articles/12967-sabbatical-year-and-jubilee">http://example.com/</a>, and the wiping away of debts: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>…If any who are dependent on you become so impoverished that they sell themselves to you, you shall not make them serve as slaves. They shall remain with you as hired or bound labourers. They shall serve with you until the year of the jubilee. Then they and their children with them shall be free from your authority; they shall go back to their own family and return to their ancestral property. (Leviticus 25:39-41) </p>
</blockquote>
<p>We no longer count against others the debts they have accumulated, but wipe the slate clean and begin again. </p>
<h2>Islam</h2>
<p>And let us not forget the words of the Qur’an:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>…and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.(Qur’an 24:22)</p>
</blockquote>
<h2>Buddhist and Hindu traditions</h2>
<p>This is not the place to look deeply into the reasons one might find in all our religious traditions for forgiveness, but we can note too, by way of example, the Hindu and Buddhist sensitivity to just how harmful not-forgiving, striking back at the evil-doer, is for the person who has been hurt and victimized. </p>
<p>Not forgiving the perpetrator can lead the person who has suffered into deeper anger and resentment, a distorted view of the world that remains obsessed with the enemy. </p>
<p>In both traditions, to forgive is to let go of this burden of animosity, liberating oneself from a negativity almost as destructive as what harm might have been done in the first place.</p>
<p>But we must ask, What happens after the words of forgiveness? </p>
<h2>Forgiveness is a process</h2>
<p>If evildoers cut themselves off from the community by their crimes, what then does forgiveness do, in terms of how the community relates to such persons? </p>
<p>Forgiveness is not an isolated act, offered once. We do not forgive and forget, or forgive and wash our hands of the sinner. </p>
<p>Rather, it is rather a commitment to a changed relationship to the forgiven person, the hitherto scorned criminal. It is a restoration of a relationship, an ending of the ostracization of an offender because of what he or she has done. </p>
<p>True forgiveness then is part of a longer process of reconciliation, the return of the evildoer to the community. </p>
<p>Again, Jesus made it very clear indeed that without forgiveness, the rituals of our religions and spiritualities are woefully deficient: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)</p>
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<h2>Social implications</h2>
<p>We can see then that forgiveness, truly understood and honored in its implications, would have to lead to changes in our justice system.</p>
<p>The response to violence and destruction by an individual cannot, by the logic of forgiveness, be the death penalty. But neither can it be a matter of forgiving a person and then locking her away from the world, in an isolated and grim environment, for the rest of her life, cut off from the community.</p>
<p>Those who forgive — those who have suffered terribly, but also the communities of which they are a part — take on, by the very fact of forgiveness, the work of reconciliation, drawing the perpetrators of crimes back into the community. </p>
<p>The evildoer is forgiven; he makes amends and does penance; he is restored to the community. </p>
<p>On a large scale, this was the work of the <a href="http://www.justice.gov.za/trc/">Truth and Reconciliation Commission</a> in South Africa after apartheid. </p>
<p>On a smaller scale, it is forgiveness and repentance and reconciliation of the next Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and the next Dylann Roof, if and when such awful crimes occur yet again.</p>
<p>But it is clear, too, that most of us – as individuals and as a society – are <a href="http://www.people-press.org/2015/04/16/less-support-for-death-penalty-especially-among-democrats/">not ready</a> for a society committed to forgiveness instead of retribution and revenge. </p>
<p>So we need to learn, and to practice forgiveness in the course of everyday life, resisting the temptation to shun those who hurt us, expelling or shunning those who have hurt us in some small way.</p>
<p>If we practice each day, in the larger and more terrible moments, we will be able also to forgive and then rebuild the wounded community.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/43954/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Francis X. Clooney does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>
Can Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and Dylann Roof be forgiven — and should they? Forgiveness is not an isolated, one-time act but a longer commitment to acceptance back into a community.
Francis X. Clooney, Professor of Divinity, Harvard University
Licensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.