tag:theconversation.com,2011:/id/topics/parenting-styles-27528/articlesParenting styles – The Conversation2022-09-15T12:22:54Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1895122022-09-15T12:22:54Z2022-09-15T12:22:54ZHow to keep kids curious – 5 questions answered<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/484447/original/file-20220913-4351-sof8u4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=38%2C15%2C5073%2C3387&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Could schools be putting a damper on children's curiosity?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/mixed-race-girl-looking-in-curiously-royalty-free-image/88751977?adppopup=true">Jose Luis Pelaez Inc via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>Kids are naturally curious. But various forces in the environment can dampen their curiosity over time. Can anything be done to keep kids’ curiosity alive? For answers to this question, The Conversation U.S. turned to <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=1fr7ljcAAAAJ&hl=en">Perry Zurn</a>, a philosophy professor at American University and author of three books on curiosity, including “<a href="https://mitpress.mit.edu/9780262047036/curious-minds/">Curious Minds: The Power of Connection</a>,” which was released in September 2022.</em></p>
<h2>1. Is curiosity abundant at birth?</h2>
<p>Curiosity is a natural capacity, present in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhab080">nonhuman animals</a> as well as in humans from a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/desc.12629">very young age</a>. Beings of all sorts seek information, explore their environments and innovate new ways of solving problems. Creatures big and small, from elephants to bees, engage in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1038/npp.2017.108">exploratory foraging</a> as they discover new territory and resources, while <a href="https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1620739114">monkeys</a> – and even <a href="https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2016.0414">cells and viruses</a> – innovate new behaviors.</p>
<p>Among human beings, most people – scholars and nonscholars alike – have a sense that children are especially curious. Psychologist <a href="https://psychology.williams.edu/profile/sengel/">Susan Engel</a> validates this sense in her book “<a href="https://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674736757">The Hungry Mind</a>.” Engel observes children’s curiosity at work in different environments, from preschool nature walks and middle school science labs to asking questions around the dinner table. Her research confirms that children are bursting with curiosity, expressed in the things they touch, the way they talk and how they interact with others. But what happens to that curiosity as we age?</p>
<p>Some people I meet bemoan the loss of their childlike wonder, while others are proud to have maintained or expanded it. What might explain the difference?</p>
<h2>2. What kills kids’ curiosity?</h2>
<p>While research clearly shows children have a high interest in <a href="https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781442217331/The-Philosophical-Child">asking questions</a>, that interest may dull over time, particularly in school settings. One study found that preschoolers ask an average of 26 questions an hour at home, but <a href="https://www.worldcat.org/title/young-children-learning/oclc/11114218">less than two per hour at school</a>. Another study showed that fifth grade students, on average, expressed curiosity – via question asking, directed gazing or object manipulation – <a href="https://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674736757">less than once every two hours</a>. Why? </p>
<p>Many things can dampen curiosity. Internet search engines and smartphones that give immediate answers limit children’s ability to sit with their questions and stew over their <a href="https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Experience-And-Education/John-Dewey/9780684838281">problems</a>. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/">Parenting styles</a> that emphasize the value of questions only as a means to an end – such as correct <a href="https://www.bloomsbury.com/us/pedagogy-of-the-oppressed-9781501314162/">answers</a> – limit children’s capacity to cultivate questions for their own sake. Lastly, when schools train children to ask only specific kinds of questions in specific sorts of ways, it can limit their opportunities to <a href="https://mitpress.mit.edu/9780262515108/insatiable-curiosity/">innovate</a> by constraining their interest and inquiry into narrow channels.</p>
<h2>3. How good are K-12 schools at fostering curiosity?</h2>
<p>Since teacher training focuses on conveying content and cultivating basic skills, teachers <a href="https://manifold.umn.edu/read/curiosity-studies/section/672957b4-788b-40c5-a747-f66544b641fe#conc">may not know how</a> to facilitate curiosity.</p>
<p>To make matters more complicated, educators are often up against <a href="https://www.brookings.edu/blog/brown-center-chalkboard/2022/08/26/are-we-at-a-crisis-point-with-the-public-teacher-workforce-education-scholars-share-their-perspectives/">impossible odds</a> of growing class sizes, reduced resources and increased pressure to achieve generalized, measurable outcomes. As a result, many teachers teach “compliance” more than “curiosity,” as <a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/220290/between-the-world-and-me-by-ta-nehisi-coates/">Ta-Nehisi Coates</a> puts it, reflecting on his time as a student in Baltimore schools. In his experience, it was more important for students to behave and learn the assigned material than for them to explore their interests and go out on a limb. This is especially harmful for students whose creative intelligence is already less likely to be encouraged, such as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1353/csd.0.0120">students of color</a> and students with <a href="https://manifold.umn.edu/read/curiosity-studies/section/09913fb6-4df2-4607-9192-cf745c919426#ch08/">learning differences</a>, including autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder or dyslexia.</p>
<p>As astrophysicist and Black feminist author <a href="https://ceps.unh.edu/person/chanda-prescod-weinstein">Chanda Prescod-Weinstein</a> emphasizes in her recent book, “<a href="https://www.boldtypebooks.com/titles/chanda-prescod-weinstein/the-disordered-cosmos/9781541724709/">The Disordered Cosmos</a>,” not everyone is encouraged to reach for – or understand – the stars. She sees Black women as being especially discouraged from their academic and scientific aspirations. </p>
<h2>4. How can parents protect their children’s curiosity?</h2>
<p>Paying attention to each child’s own style of curiosity, and instilling in them a sense of pride in that style, will do much to equip kids to maintain curiosity. While children are naturally curious, they may express and pursue their curiosity in different ways. Research indicates there are multiple <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/curious/201801/what-are-the-five-dimensions-curiosity">dimensions</a> or <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/sep/04/busybody-hunter-dancer-curiosity-curious-minds-bassett-zurn">styles</a> of curiosity.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A girl looks at a caterpillar on a shiny floor." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=393&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=393&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=393&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=494&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=494&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/484446/original/file-20220913-4351-43kc30.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=494&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Kids have different learning styles, and so do different creatures.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/surface-level-of-curious-girl-looking-at-royalty-free-image/1187823750?adppopup=true">Cavan Images via Getty Images</a></span>
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</figure>
<p>One <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41562-020-00985-7">study I was involved in</a>, for example, led by communications scientist <a href="https://www.asc.upenn.edu/people/faculty/david-lydon-staley-phd">David Lydon-Staley</a>, showed that people who browse Wikipedia have a tendency either to be busybodies – clicking on radically different pages; or hunters – clicking on closely connected pages. Does your child like to know everything about a few things? Or a few things about everything?</p>
<p>For the ancient Greeks, these two styles were best characterized by <a href="https://www.npr.org/2019/07/08/739502013/the-fox-and-the-hedgehog-a-story-of-triumphs-and-tragedy">the hedgehog and the fox</a>. According to Archilochus, the hedgehog “knows one thing,” but the fox “knows many things.” Following that instinct, in my book “<a href="https://mitpress.mit.edu/9780262047036/">Curious Minds</a>,” written with neuroscientist <a href="https://directory.seas.upenn.edu/danielle-s-bassett/">Dani S. Bassett</a>, we analyze 18 different creatures, from animals to insects, and characterize their unique curiosity styles. Perhaps your child is more like an octopus, with inquisitive arms stretched out in every direction, or an inchworm, slow and steady. </p>
<h2>5. What role can colleges play?</h2>
<p>If people are to have the curiosity and creative imagination necessary to address pressing problems the world over, we will have to rethink what happens in the college classroom, and what happens <a href="https://www.upress.umn.edu/book-division/books/beyond-education">beyond it</a>. </p>
<p>Fellow philosopher of curiosity Lani Watson argues that however much colleges and universities tout a central commitment to curiosity, they continue to rely primarily on “<a href="https://link.springer.com/book/10.1007/978-981-16-5277-6">answers-oriented education</a>.” Over and over again, the written exam, the multiple choice test or the position paper are the gold standard by which students demonstrate that they have learned and what they have learned.</p>
<p>Asking better, more insightful and more creative questions is rarely prized in educational settings except as a means to other ends – higher grades, more published papers, more discoveries or innovations. The <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1521025115622777">rising</a> social pressures to work longer hours on classes, jobs and internships, and a <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2018/12/the-liberal-arts-may-not-survive-the-21st-century/577876/">declining</a> investment in a liberal arts education, make questioning itself an endangered art. Few students have the time or encouragement to get curious for curiosity’s sake.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/189512/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Perry Zurn receives funding from The Center for Curiosity. </span></em></p>A philosophy professor looks at the learning styles of different creatures to gain insight into curiosity among human beings.Perry Zurn, Associate Professor of Philosophy, American UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1856612022-08-05T12:12:37Z2022-08-05T12:12:37ZParenting styles vary across the US<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/476739/original/file-20220729-13683-uha9wt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=51%2C42%2C5640%2C3745&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Parents take different approaches to raising their kids.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/mother-sitting-by-teenage-son-studying-at-home-royalty-free-image/1321465605">Maskot via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Most people agree that children <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK402020/">should have enough to eat</a>, not be sexually molested and never be punished in a way that requires medical treatment. But beyond those basics, <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=erA8gbIAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao">my research</a> has found that parenting styles in the United States <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0749-x">vary by region</a>.</p>
<h2>Differing styles</h2>
<p>I have found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-017-0749-x">parents in the South</a> were more likely than parents in central Florida to demand obedience and respect from their children and believe that children should be treated strictly. Parents in central Florida, which is demographically and culturally different from other parts of the South, were more likely to discuss family decisions with their children, allow disagreement and let children make their own decisions. </p>
<p>Wider-ranging research I conducted with two doctoral students, <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=3mdvHHIAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao">Melanie Stearns</a> and <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=EUky6d4NRBwC&hl=en">Erica Szkody</a>, found differences in how <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0192513X211055114">young adults in the Northeast, Midwest, South and West</a> are parented.</p>
<p>Overall, there were some commonalities. A <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/h0030372">style of parenting</a> called “authoritative,” in which parents are both responsive and demanding, providing support alongside rules and limits while encouraging communication, was most common across the U.S. Also relatively common was a different parenting style called “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/h0030372">authoritarian</a>,” in which parents are less responsive but still demanding, providing rules and limits without as much support and requiring more obedience to authority.</p>
<p>Less common was “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/h0030372">permissive</a>” parenting style. That’s when parents are responsive but less demanding, tending to be warm and caring but perhaps without consistent rules and indulging children more often than other styles.</p>
<p>But there were key regional differences.</p>
<h2>Regional variations</h2>
<p>In the Northeast, Midwest and South, some young adults said their mothers were more supportive and caring, while their fathers were more demanding and obedience-driven. In general, this could reflect <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1185-8">traditional gender roles</a> of a responsive mother and a strict father, as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-01014-6">other research</a> has also found. This combination was less common in the West.</p>
<p>In the Northeast and West, small but significant groups of young adults reported parents who were more supportive and even indulgent, without a lot of insistence on obedience. We believe that this finding could be related to how parents in these regions might be <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.77.2.279">more individualistic</a> and encouraging of communication and equality than parents in other regions of the U.S.</p>
<p>The South was the only region where some young adults stated that they had stricter mothers but more responsive fathers. This is a <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/12/17/parenting-in-america/">difference from overall national trends</a>.</p>
<h2>Potential causes</h2>
<p>Many forces influence parents’ approaches, including <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/12/17/3-parenting-approaches-and-concerns/">demographic factors</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111%2Fjcpp.12705">religious traditions</a>, <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2015/12/17/parenting-in-america/">economic status</a> and <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/07/28/parenting-children-in-the-age-of-screens/">technology</a>. </p>
<p>Typically, the <a href="https://www.simplypsychology.org/Bronfenbrenner.html">most important factors</a> are family, friends, neighborhoods, schools, economic status and access to resources. Those obviously can vary widely even within a region of the U.S.</p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.13539">Cultural attitudes and laws</a> are also key factors in parenting styles that are more broadly shared – and that <a href="https://www.britannica.com/place/United-States/Traditional-regions-of-the-United-States">vary by region</a> across the country.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/185661/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Melanie Stearns received the APA Division 36 Student Research Award ($500), which funded participants fees for the study on regional differences in parenting we conducted.</span></em></p>In some regions of the country, mothers and fathers have different approaches than their counterparts in other regions.Cliff McKinney, Professor of Clinical Psychology, Mississippi State UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1306322020-02-03T14:44:34Z2020-02-03T14:44:34ZOver-parenting teaches children to be entitled – let them fail and learn to be resilient instead<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/313077/original/file-20200131-41503-1j0h23e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=20%2C5%2C3473%2C2326&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/diverse-children-enjoying-playing-toys-1235316877">Rawpixel.com/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>During the last couple of decades, new types of parents have emerged. From the anxiously involved <a href="https://theconversation.com/helicopter-or-hands-off-todays-parents-cant-seem-to-win-43023">helicopter parents</a> to the pushy <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/i-was-a-toxic-tiger-mum-but-ive-learnt-the-error-of-my-ways/">tiger mums</a>, these differing styles all have one thing in common: they tend to involve over-parenting. This is where parents micromanage their children’s lives – giving them little autonomy, putting too much pressure on them to achieve academic and personal success, while allowing few chances for their children to experience failure and frustration.</p>
<p>These are the <a href="https://eprints.qut.edu.au/55005/16/55005.pdf">parents</a> who run back to school when their children forget their sports kit, do their homework, and ask others in the parent <a href="http://whs-blogs.co.uk/heads-blog/">WhatsApp</a> chat for the homework when their child does not bring it home. These parents believe their children are always right. They will confront teachers if the child feels they have been unfairly treated, or will confront other parents if, say, their child is not invited to a party. </p>
<p>As their children grow, these parents decide which GCSEs their children should choose, and do not allow their adolescents to travel on their own because they are afraid they may be kidnapped. These parents may well accompany their children to university applicant interviews, or even to job interviews. And they are parents who consider themselves their child’s best friend rather than their parent. </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/the-five-best-parenting-books-grounded-in-science-an-experts-choice-100926">The five best parenting books grounded in science: an expert's choice</a>
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<p>While there is no doubt that these parental behaviours are acts of love, the problem is that by making sure that the children never fail an assignment, experience a detention, or the disappointment of not being invited to a party, these parents are not letting them fail. As a result, they are effectively hindering their child’s <a href="https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.2013.32.6.569">development</a>.</p>
<h2>The power of failure</h2>
<p>By learning to overcome failure, children develop <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/jftr.12255">resilience</a>. They learn to deal with frustration and to regulate their emotions properly. And it is crucial children develop these skills during childhood to be able to lead successful lives. </p>
<p>Most of the research on over-parenting has focused on how it has affected university students. But the link between over-involved parents and negative consequences is found when examining children of all ages. Indeed, pre-school and primary school <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0165025409103874?casa_token=nrEemJLaqRAAAAAA:WA035iOAbKqKsu-IR60kIJc-8ztdgr2al9Adu8X2UApwOCH5LHc88RMXwvJlb_b_IGE59sRbRow">children</a> of over-involved parents tend to experience high levels of shyness, anxiety and poor peer relations. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/313079/original/file-20200131-41481-1bdfgqs.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/313079/original/file-20200131-41481-1bdfgqs.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313079/original/file-20200131-41481-1bdfgqs.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313079/original/file-20200131-41481-1bdfgqs.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313079/original/file-20200131-41481-1bdfgqs.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313079/original/file-20200131-41481-1bdfgqs.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/313079/original/file-20200131-41481-1bdfgqs.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Forget the constant hand holding, children learn from making mistakes.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/blue-jeans-3036405/">Pexels</a></span>
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<p>When examining adolescents and university students, these negative consequences continue. For example, 16 to 28 year-old <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1002/j.2161-1882.2015.00065.x?casa_token=itnTJ0EIGIAAAAAA:5O7-fjWlXR8kxMvKPvBuLwwnaP6QFrBvLQs-3Bl5idrkHt56Ee3u7m1bidFDAAiTomJ-7R-hoAMW">students</a> who reported having helicopter parents were more likely to have low levels of self-efficacy – the trust that people have in their own abilities and skills – and poor relationships with their peers. </p>
<p>In similar research, young people who reported having over-involved parents experienced higher levels of depression and stress, less satisfaction with <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/02732173.2011.574038?casa_token=1VqgFdeCY1cAAAAA:QOpQPT9tQyd24H27MKQp_w_dPBlVER9MnQJrpYs5oC5lNHW2WCPnl868ArvwhM7pEZ4zJFV_s0I">life</a>, as well as less ability to regulate their <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/02732173.2011.574038?casa_token=_5QCAFS-tCUAAAAA:grl5dKUozFayhecdsvIZMN4Xw6fLmkaeizj1dNVhmvMXjpMra28Rk1PVpcDX6jew2O2nDRKY_JM">emotions</a>. They also reported a higher sense of entitlement, and increased <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00689.x?casa_token=KP8rl63WoWIAAAAA:NPSogqhysmQ2dAiSCpR0PVaGruzBWtq8oOEqV-ncjNEQIiKW4uT13G6fz_LsqajShEUmWAPmGJNk">drug use</a> than young people with less involved parents. </p>
<h2>Bad for parents too</h2>
<p>Over-parenting does not only have negative consequences for the children, though. Parents who over-parent are more likely to experience high levels of <a href="https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/%22Why-do-they-have-to-grow-up-so-fast%22-Parental-and-Kins-Soenens/68e3f60c789442f26f6938205bf0ff818f47504c">anxiety</a>, stress and regret. This in turn has negative consequences for their children, who may pick up on their parents’ anxiety and make it their own. </p>
<p>This may be one of the reasons why the number of university students struggling with <a href="https://theconversation.com/1-in-5-college-students-have-anxiety-or-depression-heres-why-90440">anxiety</a> and depression is at an all-time high. Indeed, a recent poll concluded that <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/education/2019/mar/05/levels-of-distress-and-illness-among-students-in-uk-alarmingly-high">one in five university students</a> in the UK suffers from high anxiety levels. </p>
<p>So, should all parents back off and not get involved in their children’s lives? Not quite. Because to make matters more complicated, <a href="https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Is-always-authoritative-the-optimum-parenting-style-Garc%C3%ADa-Gracia/5069c3d188dce443d1af790b1e3446ea99e3b626">research clearly shows</a> that children who have involved parents tend to do better at school, have higher levels of self-esteem, and better peer relations than children whose parents are not as involved. </p>
<p>Children whose parents are warm, loving and have high expectations of them tend to do better than children of cold and undemanding parents. The difficulty lies in establishing what the right amount of love and demandingness is. So, the key aspect that researchers are now trying to establish is what the <a href="https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Is-always-authoritative-the-optimum-parenting-style-Garc%C3%ADa-Gracia/5069c3d188dce443d1af790b1e3446ea99e3b626">optimal level</a> of parental involvement is. </p>
<p>There is no doubt that parents want to protect their children and avoid them getting hurt but they also need to consider when that level of protection becomes too much. So, next time your child rings from school asking you to bring in their sports kit, think twice before doing it.</p>
<p>Life inevitably brings problems and disappointment. It is better to teach children how to face these issues rather than to solve all their problems for them. By doing so, parents will help children to develop resilience and the ability to deal with frustration – tools that will allow them to thrive once they leave the parental home.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/130632/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ana Aznar does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>It doesn’t work, so why do so many parents do it?Ana Aznar, Lecturer in Psychology, University of WinchesterLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1185832019-07-15T19:44:17Z2019-07-15T19:44:17Z‘Making up games is more important than you think’: why Bluey is a font of parenting wisdom<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/283597/original/file-20190711-44457-6jeav1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Bluey is not just a TV success story - it also contains important parenting wisdom. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">IMDB</span></span></figcaption></figure><p><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7678620/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1">Bluey</a> is a ground-breaking Australian children’s television series and the <a href="https://www.kidspot.com.au/lifestyle/entertainment/books-tv-and-movies/the-most-downloaded-show-on-the-abc-is-not-what-youd-expect/news-story/6c1fdef918c5890b23695538c8c136b2">most downloaded show</a> in ABC iView history. Since premiering in October 2018, Bluey has been played on iView <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ABCKIDSForParents/videos/bluey-100-million-abc-iview-plays/1305286276287725/">over 100 million times</a>, and it is set to stream internationally on <a href="https://mumbrella.com.au/australian-series-bluey-to-stream-on-disney-thanks-to-bbc-and-disney-partnership-583803">Disney’s streaming platform</a> starting later this year.</p>
<p>The show follows the adventures of a blue heeler puppy, six-year-old Bluey, and her close-knit family: her four-year-old sister Bingo and their dad Bandit and mum Chilli. It is a gem of Australian art, carefully distilling the essence of family life and – between laughs – capturing the wonder and joy of parenting, and delivering precious nuggets of parenting wisdom along the way.</p>
<p>In fact, the messages the show subtly imparts are remarkably consistent with the scientific literature on parenting and parental wellbeing. Here, then, are just a few poignant examples of “Bluey” wisdom.</p>
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<h2>Play matters</h2>
<p>Play is the <a href="https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1016165.pdf">powerhouse of child development</a>. It is linked to <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2017.1314274?journalCode=gecd20">language abilities</a>, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2017.1314274?journalCode=gecd20">creativity</a> and <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/imhj.21682">emotional intelligence</a>. Parents can feel so pressured by other demands on their own and their children’s time, though, that it’s easy to forget that play is one of the most important, enriching activities needed for <a href="https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/119/1/182.full">children to flourish</a>. As Bandit tells his daughter, “Making up games is more important than you think”. </p>
<p>In fact, we are beginning to understand that play is <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/153944920502500103">important for adults</a> too. Emphasising the importance of work, at the expense of play, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0149206314522301">undermines</a> long-term achievement, health and happiness, so finding a balance is key.</p>
<p>Bandit and Chilli are masters at maintaining connection with their daughters, squeezing precious moments of play (like pretending to be a sick patient who has swallowed a cat or an employee who really just wants to dance) between work and household tasks. Their playfulness is clearly beneficial for them as well.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/let-them-play-kids-need-freedom-from-play-restrictions-to-develop-117586">Let them play! Kids need freedom from play restrictions to develop</a>
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<h2>Be the parent you want to be, even when you don’t feel like it</h2>
<p>Every day, we each have to choose between taking the “easy” option - whatever makes us feel better in the moment – or investing time and energy in doing what really matters.</p>
<p>Psychologists describe this as living in accordance with our <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16300724">values</a>. Although the easy option can bring immediate relief from feelings like sadness or anger – and, let’s face it, we all find ways to avoid negative emotions now and then – it can become a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2998793/">big problem</a> when this way of dealing with challenges becomes a pattern.</p>
<p>Living out our values is not always easy. It can be tough, and making room for difficult emotions is part of moving towards living a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16300724">meaningful life</a>. Bluey’s parents, Bandit and Chilli, frequently give a sigh and a skywards glance before playing yet another game of “hospitals” or “hotels” with their children – it is clear that it isn’t always easy for them – yet, being a fun and playful parent is clearly a core value for both of them. So they jump right in regardless.</p>
<h2>Emotions are opportunities for learning and connection</h2>
<p>We can all can forge deeper connections with others – including our children – through emotional exchange: by listening to their expressions of emotion, validating their emotions and gently exploring them. This process is called “emotion coaching” and has been linked to <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1996-05875-001">better emotional and social skills</a> in children.</p>
<p>Bandit and Chilli are master emotion coaches. Whether it is Bluey’s sorrow at the death of a bird, or her frustration while trying to learn to ride a bike, they listen, validate and explore their children’s emotional worlds through conversation or play.</p>
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<span class="caption">Bluey’s parents recognise the importance of play.</span>
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<h2>Natural and logical consequences</h2>
<p>There’s a trap we will all fall into at some stage in our parenting careers: using a whole lot of talking to get through to our children, all the while protecting them from the consequences of their actions – and then becoming frustrated that they aren’t learning the “lesson”!</p>
<p>Bandit and Chilli aren’t afraid to allow Bluey and Bingo to experience the <a href="https://europepmc.org/abstract/med/30738545">natural consequences</a> of their own actions. For example, Bluey learns that when you spend your money on a toffee apple at the market, changing your mind about your purchase doesn’t mean you get your money back.</p>
<p>Bandit and Chilli skilfully demonstrate the use of <a href="https://europepmc.org/abstract/med/30738545">logical consequences</a> too. Logical consequences are parent-generated, but are comparable to the kinds of consequences that truly happen in the world, so children are learning a genuine and useful life lesson.</p>
<p>For example, in the episode “Wagonride”, when Bluey impatiently interrupts Bandit, wanting to move straight to the monkey bars, Bandit uses a logical consequence – stopping the wagon – to impart an invaluable life lesson: doing activities with other people requires give and take, and a bit of patience. </p>
<p>Bluey is a landmark Australian show for many reasons. But an important one is this: amid the ridiculous and the ordinary, Bluey’s parents regularly find themselves both sharing and receiving the poignant wisdom that comes with the drudgery and absurdity of parenting. And Australian parents can relate to that.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/118583/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Koa Whittingham has received funding from the NHMRC. Koa Whittingham is the author of Becoming Mum, a self-help book for the psychological transition to motherhood.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>The Parenting and Family Support Centre is partly funded by royalties stemming from published resources of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, which is developed and owned by The University of Queensland (UQ). Royalties are also distributed to the Faculty of Health and Behavioural Sciences at UQ and contributory authors of published Triple P resources. Triple P International (TPI) Pty Ltd is a private company licensed by Uniquest Pty Ltd on behalf of UQ, to publish and disseminate Triple P worldwide. The authors of this article have no share or ownership of TPI. TPI had no involvement in the writing of this article. Dr Whittingham, Dr Mitchell and Dr Mitchell are employees at UQ. Dr Amy Mitchell receives funding from the Children's Hospital Foundation (Early Career Researcher Fellowship and Translator Grant, ref. no. 50223).</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ben Mitchell has received funding from RACGP Foundation grants, Australian General Practice Training grants and the University of Queensland eLearning grants.</span></em></p>Children’s show Bluey is not just a gem of Australian art - its messages are also remarkably consistent with scientific literature on parenting.Koa Whittingham, Psychologist and Research Fellow, The University of QueenslandAmy Mitchell, Research fellow, The University of QueenslandBen Mitchell, Senior lecturer, The University of QueenslandLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1080592018-12-20T01:06:35Z2018-12-20T01:06:35ZWhy you shouldn’t force the kids to hug Granny at Christmas<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251265/original/file-20181218-27776-1hkkly.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=14%2C9%2C3244%2C2433&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">A high-five might be a less confronting option for a child.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="license">Author provided</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Granny, who lives interstate and whom the kids haven’t seen since last year, is visiting for Christmas. She loves the kids and is eager to scoop them up and smother them with kisses. The young children, who only have a vague memory of who she is, are wary and would rather keep an eye on this strange woman for the next few hours before committing to any physical contact. </p>
<p>Faced with this situation, many parents would instinctively tell their kids to remember their manners and allow themselves to be smothered by Granny (or Grandad). It’s the polite thing to do, right? It is Christmas after all. </p>
<p>But in an era when we want children to be empowered, to be in charge of their bodies, and to be able to say no to unwanted attention, why do we allow our kids to be hugged and kissed against their will at family gatherings? Forced affection can undermine a child’s inherent sense of stranger danger and self-trust. </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/from-tiger-to-free-range-parents-what-research-says-about-pros-and-cons-of-popular-parenting-styles-57986">From tiger to free-range parents – what research says about pros and cons of popular parenting styles</a>
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<p>Building and maintaining trust and respect are key to a successful relationship with children. The respectful approach to parenting (also known as “<a href="https://www.rie.org/educaring/ries-basic-principles">educaring</a>”) focuses on building cooperative relationships and treating each child as a unique human being. </p>
<p>Developed by Hungarian paediatrician <a href="https://pikler.org/?v=6cc98ba2045f">Emmi Pikler</a> and US parenting advocate <a href="https://www.magdagerber.org/">Magda Gerber</a>, the goal of this approach is to aid the development of an “authentic” child. Authentic in this sense means a child who feels secure, independent, competent in their abilities, and connected to the people and the environment around them. This approach has been shown to benefit children and to promote a healthy relationship between <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/9781317280392">a child and their caregiver</a>. </p>
<p>It is not an easy style of parenting. In many cases, it goes against how we ourselves were parented, and society’s conventional expectations of what parenting involves. An obedient child who never questioned authority was often viewed as a result of “good” parenting. In contrast, <a href="http://peacefulparentsconfidentkids.com/2016/02/how-to-help-a-defiant-child/">a child’s defiance</a> reflects their confidence to disagree, and is a normal and beneficial part of development. </p>
<h2>Christmas presence</h2>
<p>When it comes to Christmas family gatherings, the respectful approach can include giving children information in advance, so they have an idea of what to expect. </p>
<p>Sitting down with your child and having a chat about where they will be going and who they will be meeting can help mentally prepare them them for an upcoming event. Showing photos from previous years can also help them remember which relatives are which, thus helping them warm up for the impending meeting by putting a face to a name. </p>
<p>Likewise, letting relatives know in advance that your child will have a say in their greeting can help them prepare for the possibility of not getting the hug to which they might feel entitled. You can also suggest your relative give the child a choice of greeting (a hug, high-five, fist-bump, or wave). </p>
<p>The key to this process is to wait and hear the child’s response – and, importantly, to respect their decision. This can be very hard – often the adult will feel disappointed and upset to realise the child does not want to hug them.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/home-alone-how-to-keep-your-kids-safe-and-out-of-trouble-when-youre-at-work-these-holidays-105581">Home alone: how to keep your kids safe (and out of trouble) when you’re at work these holidays</a>
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<p>Letting children know that certain relatives may particularly like a hug can prepare them for that situation, while reassuring the child that they do have a say in the matter. You could try saying something like: </p>
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<p>Grandpa is really looking forward to seeing you! He’ll ask you for a hug, but if you don’t feel like it you don’t have to. You might like to say hello in another way.</p>
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<p>Children often relish the opportunity to exert some control. Autonomy is an important aspect of the respectful approach. For many children, it is their preference not to hug other people unless there is a close and connected relationship, and this should be fostered and supported. Occasionally, children may “test” the theory, by declining a hug and then waiting to see what happens. </p>
<p>As with adults, when their decision is respected, children feel more confident and valued. Over time, as a relationship becomes more familiar and connected, the child may feel more comfortable with closer contact. </p>
<p>For grandparents and other relatives, the good news is that this means when the child does agree to a hug (or even offers one of their own accord), it comes from a true desire to show affection, rather than from an adult imposing their wishes on them. </p>
<p>Incorporating aspects of the <a href="http://peacefulparentsconfidentkids.com/2014/12/respecting-children-at-christmas/">respectful approach into your Christmas</a> can help your children feel more settled and secure, at what is often a hectic time of the year.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/108059/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Therese O'Sullivan does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>In many households, Christmas means visits from relatives eager to smother kids with kisses. But respectful parenting means giving the kids fair warning so they can decide whether that’s ok.Therese O'Sullivan, Associate Professor, Edith Cowan UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1066722018-11-22T00:02:13Z2018-11-22T00:02:13ZCanada: What will it take to end physical punishment of children?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/246451/original/file-20181120-161618-1tufed4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C5191%2C3458&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">At least 54 countries prohibit the corporal punishment of children. Canada has neither prohibited corporal punishment, nor said it will. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/two-little-sisters-on-walk-woods-1217305036">Shutterstock </a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released a <a href="http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2018/11/01/peds.2018-3112">policy statement</a> recommending that parents not spank, hit or slap their children. </p>
<p>The announcement created a <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/05/health/spanking-harmful-study-pediatricians.html">flurry of media</a> attention <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/nov/05/spanking-children-makes-them-more-aggressive-us-pediatricians-body-says">around the world</a> with headlines such as “<a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/11/spanking-kids-effective/574978/">Spanking is Still Really Common, and Still Really Bad for Kids</a>.” </p>
<p>The statement is significant, but it’s also old news. It adds to already substantial <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-33351-006?casa_token=CO8jy6iVeIAAAAAA:dQR5yXvEw7hsZNXDar_w6DZHzvYwPmi4Fn5OQ_L51PFWm2cjB98mQgFoGMuDBNsTTQXL7TGPdS-AdhApMpTF">research evidence about the risks that physical punishment poses to children</a>. </p>
<p><a href="https://endcorporalpunishment.org/countdown/">To date, 54 countries have banned the physical punishment of children, and 56 more have declared that they will.</a> Canada has done neither.</p>
<p>In Canada, the <a href="https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/C-46/section-43.html">law</a> still permits parents to use <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/ruth-miller/legal-spanking-canada_b_12612168.html">physical punishment</a> to discipline their children.</p>
<h2>Truth and reconciliation</h2>
<p>This is about more than health. In my research, I am involved in a <a href="https://www.churchesforchildren.net">multi-disciplinary project</a> in which we examine the intertwined health, religious and reconciliation issues as they relate to corporal punishment.</p>
<p>What the AAP doesn’t mention is that interpretations of scripture in the Bible are one of the reasons corporal punishment has been normalized in the parenting toolbox. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/towards-recovery/201711/spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child">The influence of concepts such as “spare the rod; spoil the child”</a> (based on Proverbs 13:24) have been <a href="https://open.mitchellhamline.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://scholar.google.ca/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=victor+vieth+spare+the+rod&btnG=&httpsredir=1&article=1572&context=wmlr">widely used to justify</a> physical punishment. </p>
<p>An egregious result of such teachings was the way physical punishment was used against Indigenous children in church-run and government-supported Indian Residential Schools. Call to Action 6 of the <a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/indigenous/beyond-94-truth-and-reconciliation-1.4574765">Truth and Reconciliation Commission</a> <a href="http://trc.ca/assets/pdf/Calls_to_Action_English2.pdf">calls upon the Government of Canada to remove Section 43 of the Criminal Code</a>: the law that allows for the physical punishment of children.</p>
<p>Banning corporal punishment in Canada would be in keeping with the AAP’s strong and research-based statement about the need for adults to avoid physically punishing children. It would also be a critical step toward reconciliation. </p>
<h2>Canada’s lethargy is baffling</h2>
<p>It is baffling that this law reform remains so controversial here in Canada when it has been embraced around the world. In the past year alone, the Philippines, the Republic of Kosovo, South Africa and Scotland <a href="https://endcorporalpunishment.org/wp-content/uploads/newsletters/Global-newsletter-41.pdf">have all taken steps towards the full legal protection of children against violence.</a> One argument against repealing the legislation includes <a href="https://www.cardus.ca/assets/data/files/2017-01-Cardus-Family_-_Parental_Discipline.pdf">the view that limited use of corporal punishment does no harm and may be a benefit to the child.</a></p>
<p>But the science disagrees. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanchi/article/PIIS2352-4642(18)30105-6/fulltext">Study</a> after <a href="https://www.e-sciencecentral.org/articles/SC000022145">study</a> demonstrates that not only is <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-14818-2_4">corporal punishment ineffective</a> in promoting long-term positive health outcomes, but it also places children at risk for poor <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213417300145">mental health</a>, <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002234761731377X">higher levels of violence and aggression,</a> <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0193397306000967?via%3Dihub">low emotional-adjustment</a> and <a href="https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/486142">increased antisocial behaviour.</a> </p>
<p>A recent <a href="https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/8/9/e021616?int_source=trendmd&int_medium=trendmd&int_campaign=trendmd">study led by psychologist Frank J. Elgar</a> showed that countries that have fully banned corporal punishment have less youth violence. Public health researcher <a href="https://www.sup.org/books/title/?id=26612">Jo Becker</a> argues that enduring change happens when <a href="https://muse.jhu.edu/article/692752/pdf?casa_token=D5Dsv2ZrCiwAAAAA:CmaDtJh_v-mdbcNFcOhtFD9BgSdTeA4m4FgygO9uw9AdtSFAM_90SulkSltgUWPl3RDBpWuD">bans are combined with public education.</a> When laws changed, changes in attitudes and practices quickly followed. </p>
<p>A combination of both legislation and public education is the most sensible plan for Canada.</p>
<h2>Children need discipline</h2>
<p>People ask me “What happens if my child tries to run out in front of a bus? Won’t changing this law stop me from protecting her?” Of course not! Keeping your child safe from danger is not physical punishment; It is a parental duty. </p>
<p>Physical punishment is <a href="http://www.cheo.on.ca/uploads/advocacy/joint_statement_e.pdf">hitting a child to cause them to feel pain in the hope that the experience of pain will correct their behaviour.</a> This is fundamentally different from the use of appropriate force to protect a child, both in purpose and in action. Repealing laws that permit physical punishment in no way means that child discipline is not important. The opposite is true: providing discipline is an essential part of good parenting. But all children have the right to discipline that does not endanger their well-being. </p>
<p>I am downplaying the importance of the legal implications of reform. But the 110 countries that have either banned or are moving towards bans of physical punishment have had to think through legal issues, and Canada can do that too. </p>
<h2>Many groups have called for change</h2>
<p>In 2004, a national coalition of diverse organizations facilitated by the Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario published the “<a href="http://www.cheo.on.ca/en/physicalpunishment">Joint Statement on Physical Punishment of Children and Youth.</a>” Drawing on contemporary evidence, it draws attention to the risks posed by physical punishment and calls instead for positive approaches to discipline. It has been endorsed by 615 organizations from across Canada, including community organizations, cultural and religious groups, Indigenous groups, school boards, the Canadian Mental Health Association and the Canadian Medical Association.</p>
<p>Yet, the law permitting the use of physical punishment in Canada prevails.</p>
<h2>What will it take to stop hitting our kids?</h2>
<p>All the evidence we need to stop hitting our children is already available. Clearly, change is going to take something more. For one thing, it will require a critical examination of the cultural and religious norms and values that perpetuate this behaviour even in the face of <a href="http://www.aappublications.org/news/2018/11/05/discipline110518">overwhelming evidence</a> documenting its harms. And it will require reflection on our collective tacit acceptance of violence against children.</p>
<p>Until that happens, and until the normalization and even justification of violence against children is called out by Canadians, our children will be at risk.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/106672/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Valerie Michaelson receives funding from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council. One of her grants in 2017 was a Canada 150 Connection Grant, which had the goal of formulating a theological position statement on the corporal punishment of children. She has also received funding from the Canadian Institutes of Health Research, and the United Church of Canada's Justice and Reconciliation Fund. She is a member of the Children's Rights Academic Network, established by the Landon Pearson Centre at Carleton University. She is third author on the study led by Frank Elgar, which is cited in the article.</span></em></p>Until Canadians challenge the normalization of violence against children, we will continue to support, or at least tacitly condone, something that by all accounts is harmful.Valerie Michaelson, Post Doctoral Fellow, Department of Public Health Sciences and School of Religion, Queen's University, OntarioLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1023822018-09-12T09:27:02Z2018-09-12T09:27:02ZThe toxic legacy of parent shaming – and the damage it does to children<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235006/original/file-20180905-45172-p2wouy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Intensive parenting has become the latest target of parent shaming. Having been instructed <a href="https://blogs.kent.ac.uk/parentingculturestudies/files/2014/12/Norway-kick-off-paper.pdf">to constantly supervise their children</a>, parents are now being lectured about <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/helicopter-parents-employment_b_16329884.html">the dangers</a> of doing just that. </p>
<p>Those who “over-parent” their offspring are being denounced for producing spoiled children, who cannot cope with the challenges of life. Numerous books criticising the phenomenon <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018/07/24/628042168/the-over-parenting-crisis-in-school-and-at-home">lecture mothers and fathers to give more space to their children</a>. </p>
<p>Intensive parenting was previously advocated as the solution to the problems – and associated fears – facing children, but it has recently been portrayed as a <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/helicopter-parents-employment_b_16329884.html">threat to the healthy development of young people</a>. In recent times, “over-parenting” – or “<a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-013-9716-3">helicopter parenting </a>” – has become the new target of blame. </p>
<p>A recent study, published in <a href="http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2018/06/helicopter-parenting.aspx">Development Psychology</a>, concluded that “children with helicopter parents may be less able to deal with the challenging demands of growing up, especially with navigating the complex school environment”. Some go so far as to associate the mental health crisis afflicting colleges and universities on a “<a href="https://www.deseretnews.com/article/865669592/When-fear-drives-parenting-what-happens-to-the-kids.html">generation of parents riddled with fear</a>”. </p>
<h2>Shame on you</h2>
<p>Shaming parents for the way they are bringing up their children is nothing new. Parent shaming and blaming has long been a recurring theme in expert narratives on child-rearing. In the 19th century, parents were frequently accused of lacking the <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Socialisation-behaviour-management-ascendancy-Kohnstammlezing/dp/9056295705">moral and intellectual resources</a> necessary to bring up children. They were also frequently castigated for setting a bad example for their children.</p>
<p>Parental incompetence was perceived as particularly debilitating in relation to the management of children’s anxieties and fears. From the late 19th century onwards, experts asserted that parents needed to shield their children from exposure to fear. They claimed that abolishing fear from childhood was essential for the well-being of young people.</p>
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<p><audio preload="metadata" controls="controls" data-duration="2385" data-image="" data-title="Anthill 21: Growing up" data-size="37301266" data-source="" data-source-url="" data-license="CC BY-ND" data-license-url="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">
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Anthill 21: Growing up.
<span class="attribution"><a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a><span class="download"><span>35.6 MB</span> <a target="_blank" href="https://cdn.theconversation.com/audio/1282/growing-up-edit-1.mp3">(download)</a></span></span>
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<p><em><strong>Find out more about growing up in the UK in our recent podcast: <a href="https://theconversation.com/anthill-21-growing-up-90247">Stories of helicopter parenting, early puberty, and what it’s like to grow up as a Muslim in Britain</a></strong></em></p>
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<p>Psychologists and parenting experts argued that children could suffer serious damage if they were not insulated from fear. The pioneering psychologist, Granville Stanley Hall, pointed the finger of blame at incompetent or irresponsible parents who failed to protect their offspring from the perilous consequences of experiencing fear. He also believed that the fears of children were generally caused by parents. His <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=nRgwAQAAMAAJ&q=%22children+fear%22&dq=%22children+fear%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjQpYvF_7TcAhWKaFAKHRWqBx84ChDoAQgoMAA">arguments</a> were widely cited during the early decades of the 20th century .</p>
<h2>Parental fears</h2>
<p>During the interwar era, numerous commentators portrayed parental behaviour and practices as a risk to their children’s mental health. One version of this narrative suggested that children could “catch” fear through internalising the anxieties of their parents. </p>
<p>“Fear states are contagious” claimed John Anderson, the author of <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=trYnAAAAYAAJ&q=%22children+fear%22&dq=%22children+fear%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjd-IaAg7XcAhVPa1AKHRKHBlUQ6AEITzAI">Happy Childhood</a> in 1933. Anderson added that the “first step in the control and elimination of fear is the maintenance by parents of a courageous attitude in the presence of their children”.</p>
<p>New parenting advice stressed the importance of protecting children from situations that might frighten them. A discussion on “nerves in the nursery” warned that “even children are now ‘suffering from nerves’”. It advised that “nervousness can be cured but never by ridicule, anger, or sternness”, and added that parents should ensure “never to ‘suggest’ fear in children”. </p>
<p>As I note in my study, <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Fear-Works-Frank-Furedi/dp/147294772X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1536049858&sr=1-1&keywords=furedi+how+fear+works">How Fear Works</a>, scare stories about the danger of parents failing to prevent children from exposure to experiences that might frighten them often concluded with the warning that they risked inflicting lifelong emotional scars on their offspring. </p>
<h2>Intensive Parenting</h2>
<p>Since the 1950s – and especially since the 1970s – the imperative of shielding children from being exposed to fear mutated into an expansive sense of anxiety about virtually every dimension of childhood. And anxieties about the supposed precarious state of childhood acquired a momentum of their own in the 1980s. </p>
<p>It led to a situation where virtually every dimension of a child’s experience was transformed into a scare story. One outcome of parental anxiety was the evacuation of children from the outdoors. Parents were expected to impose a regime of constant adult supervision on their children’s lives. A new culture of fear surrounding childhood dictated that nothing could be left to chance. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235005/original/file-20180905-45178-rukvlk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/235005/original/file-20180905-45178-rukvlk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235005/original/file-20180905-45178-rukvlk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235005/original/file-20180905-45178-rukvlk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235005/original/file-20180905-45178-rukvlk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235005/original/file-20180905-45178-rukvlk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/235005/original/file-20180905-45178-rukvlk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Parents can’t do right for doing wrong.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Pexels</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>The dominant response to the permanent demand for greater vigilance has been to increase the amount of time that parents devote to supervising, chauffeuring and interacting with their children. One of the consequence of the expansion of what sociologists call <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9781137304612_2">intensive parenting</a> is that the practice of allowing children to play unsupervised or leaving them at home alone is increasingly portrayed as a symptom of irresponsible parenting.</p>
<p>As someone who has published widely on the theme of <a href="https://www.bloomsbury.com/uk/paranoid-parenting-9781441132505/">Paranoid Parenting</a>, I share many of the concerns of its critics. However, lectures about the dangers of helicopter parenting have unfortunately turned into the latest version of parent blaming. And these are likely to have the same disorienting consequences as previous calls for the perpetual vigilance of children. The transformation of helicopter parenting into the latest target of the fear culture surrounding childhood can only serve to undermine the confidence of mothers and fathers.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/102382/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Frank Furedi does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Parent blaming has taken a new turn – no longer just criticised for failing to attend to their child’s every need, parents are now being condemned for ‘over-parenting’.Frank Furedi, Emeritus Professor of Sociology, University of KentLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1009262018-08-03T12:11:20Z2018-08-03T12:11:20ZThe five best parenting books grounded in science: an expert’s choice<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230404/original/file-20180802-136673-zwp8bq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">(After) bed-time reading.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/one-year-old-baby-among-books-573851983?src=cv3yS-D-iDIYJ4Hm67QwyQ-1-2">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>New parenting books seem to pop up all the time. How to do it the French way, the Tiger Mom way, the New Kid by Friday way, or how to just muddle through –
the choice can be a little overwhelming. How can we know which guide will give us the answers to the questions that are most relevant to our needs, with an approach that we feel comfortable with?</p>
<p>I came across – and read – a vast selection while writing my own parenting book, <a href="http://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/education/little-kids-big-dilemmas-your-parentin,sarah-kuppen-9781138857919">Little kids, big dilemmas: Your parenting problems solved by science</a> – and there really does seem to be a guide for everyone. For my own contribution, I used a science-led, <a href="http://www.littledilemmas.com/">evidence-based approach</a>. And while the selection for genuinely research-oriented parenting books is not particularly large, there are a few I would highly recommend. </p>
<p>So here are my top five parenting books to have within reach for help in navigating what are often those bewildering early years. What to read when you don’t really have time to read:</p>
<h2>1. Our favourite gift</h2>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230562/original/file-20180803-41338-1htf7zm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230562/original/file-20180803-41338-1htf7zm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230562/original/file-20180803-41338-1htf7zm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230562/original/file-20180803-41338-1htf7zm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230562/original/file-20180803-41338-1htf7zm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1154&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230562/original/file-20180803-41338-1htf7zm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1154&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230562/original/file-20180803-41338-1htf7zm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1154&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Amazon</span></span>
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<p><a href="https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/1069296/your-baby-week-by-week/">Your Baby Week by Week</a>
by Simone Cave and Dr Caroline Fertleman was the book I used for my own children. It was a gift to us and I have given it many times as a gift to others. The thing that’s really great is that you can dip in and out as you like. </p>
<p>In those first few months when you’re really exhausted and all you want is a response to the exact question you’re looking for, this book provides specifics on questions such as how much milk, sleep and crying time your child needs. </p>
<p>The real essentials to caring for your baby. </p>
<h2>2. Mum knows best</h2>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230561/original/file-20180803-41351-1gx3d7d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230561/original/file-20180803-41351-1gx3d7d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230561/original/file-20180803-41351-1gx3d7d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230561/original/file-20180803-41351-1gx3d7d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230561/original/file-20180803-41351-1gx3d7d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230561/original/file-20180803-41351-1gx3d7d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230561/original/file-20180803-41351-1gx3d7d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Amazon</span></span>
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<p><a href="https://jhupbooks.press.jhu.edu/content/science-mom">The Science of Mom: A Research-Based Guide to Your Baby’s First Year</a> by Alice Callahan takes a clear, nicely paced approach to talking the reader through the science on some of the most contentious parenting issues. </p>
<p>Particularly relevant to the author’s American audience is the discussion on vaccination, which lays out the evidence in an accessible, no-nonsense fashion. </p>
<p>Callaghan also covers research on many of the areas parents care about most, such as feeding and sleeping. </p>
<h2>3. Science for everyone</h2>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230560/original/file-20180803-41351-1b37p7k.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230560/original/file-20180803-41351-1b37p7k.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230560/original/file-20180803-41351-1b37p7k.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230560/original/file-20180803-41351-1b37p7k.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230560/original/file-20180803-41351-1b37p7k.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230560/original/file-20180803-41351-1b37p7k.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230560/original/file-20180803-41351-1b37p7k.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Amazon</span></span>
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<p>I really like <a href="http://theinformedparentbook.com/">The Informed Parent: A Science-Based Resource for Your Child’s First Four Years</a>
by Tara Haelle and Emily Willingham. It’s obvious the authors have plenty of experience communicating science to the lay reader. Not only do they present the up-to-date knowledge on controversial topics, they also discuss this in relation to the personal choices they made when raising their own children. </p>
<p>They give just the right amount of personal anecdote, making the review of the research evidence easy to digest and the book overall an easy read. I also like that they address in detail the thorny topic of sleep training and controlled crying.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230417/original/file-20180802-136673-1n4kis5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230417/original/file-20180802-136673-1n4kis5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230417/original/file-20180802-136673-1n4kis5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230417/original/file-20180802-136673-1n4kis5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230417/original/file-20180802-136673-1n4kis5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230417/original/file-20180802-136673-1n4kis5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230417/original/file-20180802-136673-1n4kis5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Why didn’t you read past Chapter 1?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/portrait-crying-baby-girl-226262737?src=SxJa_3EzypUGtN9VCBN6gQ-1-2">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>4. Focus on discipline</h2>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230559/original/file-20180803-41360-1m6t8x5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230559/original/file-20180803-41360-1m6t8x5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230559/original/file-20180803-41360-1m6t8x5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230559/original/file-20180803-41360-1m6t8x5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=899&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230559/original/file-20180803-41360-1m6t8x5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230559/original/file-20180803-41360-1m6t8x5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230559/original/file-20180803-41360-1m6t8x5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1130&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Amazon</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>With 1.6m copies already sold, <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/149262988X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1533209225&sr=1-1">1-2-3 Magic: 3 Step Discipline for Calm, Effective and Happy Parenting</a>
by Dr Thomas W. Phelan is <em>the</em> book on discipline and young children. Phelan believes that all discipline situations can be sorted into two categories – the behaviours you want to start (such as tidying up or getting ready for school) and those you want to stop (such as whining, fighting or anything anti-social). </p>
<p>While it can sometimes can feel overly controlling, this book is full of clear practical advice. Parents are certain to find something useful to add to their disciplining repertories. </p>
<h2>5. Talking it over</h2>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230557/original/file-20180803-41360-1s2c6jd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230557/original/file-20180803-41360-1s2c6jd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=921&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230557/original/file-20180803-41360-1s2c6jd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=921&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230557/original/file-20180803-41360-1s2c6jd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=921&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230557/original/file-20180803-41360-1s2c6jd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1158&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230557/original/file-20180803-41360-1s2c6jd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1158&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/230557/original/file-20180803-41360-1s2c6jd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1158&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Amazon</span></span>
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<p><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/184812614X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1533209310&sr=1-1&keywords=How+To+Talk+So+Little+Kids+Will+Listen%3A+A+survival+guide+to+life+with+children+ages+2-7">How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A survival guide to life with children ages 2-7</a>
by Joanna Faber and Julie King is part of the very popular series emanating from the original international bestseller – <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1533209349&sr=1-1&keywords=How+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+and+listen+so+kids+will+talk">How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk</a>. </p>
<p>Through the use of practical examples, the authors illustrate the unhelpful communication patterns parents often fall into when dealing with their kids. They also provide loads of story examples, which many parents will relate to, with examples of how to deal with them. There is something here for everyone.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/100926/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Sarah Kuppen does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>An author picks her best reads for a scientific approach to raising children.Sarah Kuppen, Senior Lecturer in Developmental Psychology, Anglia Ruskin UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/972842018-06-05T10:47:54Z2018-06-05T10:47:54ZFree-range parenting gets legal protection in Utah – but should the state dictate how to parent?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/221650/original/file-20180604-175438-h72bn7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Americans differ over when children can be left unattended.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/little-boy-walking-on-log-park-650111275?src=4XzYOWxEhfJ6HJ5999H5IQ-3-35">EvgeniiAnd/www.shutterstock.com</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Americans have long debated what constitutes good parenting. In 1928, John B. Watson <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=z93etbzgEjoC&pg=PA104&lpg=PA104&dq=%22let+your+behavior+always+be+objective+and+kindly+firm%22&source=bl&ots=FzDI8aexYX&sig=ZzVMrFRCggd7GS_qTytpkcxeu7k&hl=en&sa=X&ei=lk6RUPL-D-ip0AGIz4CoDQ&ved=0CFMQ6AEwBw#v=onepage&q=%22let%20your%20behavior%20always%20be%20objective%20and%20kindly%20firm%22&f=false">advised parents</a> to “never hug or kiss” their children. In 1946, Benjamin Spock <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-14534094">urged parents</a> to trust their instincts.</p>
<p>A recent trend in <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-overprotected-american-child-1527865038">this ongoing debate</a> has focused on safety, favoring highly protective parenting. This <a href="https://poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=179007082000076114067122086096005011008035001029052027018024026126006118098066097070031119115055051016105085114122097123091066044036091040041110066009118115025001029019075043127090002064075016007074081115086107025076006077082077001098002102024025018098&EXT=pdf#page=4">new norm</a> calls for constant supervision, driven in large part by fears of abduction, but also reflects a <a href="http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,1940697-3,00.html">priority to protect children</a> from any potential harm.</p>
<p>Advocates of so-called <a href="https://poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=179007082000076114067122086096005011008035001029052027018024026126006118098066097070031119115055051016105085114122097123091066044036091040041110066009118115025001029019075043127090002064075016007074081115086107025076006077082077001098002102024025018098&EXT=pdf#page=10">free-range parenting have pushed back</a>. They insist that overprotection does <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beastly-behavior/201608/yes-overprotective-parenting-harms-kids">more harm than good</a>, and that excessive hovering inhibits children’s development in a number of ways.</p>
<h2>A tough balancing act</h2>
<p>The arguments in favor of free-range parenting are compelling, particularly because the dangers and fears driving more protective parenting approaches – most notably “stranger danger” – have largely been <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-missing-children/2013/05/10/efee398c-b8b4-11e2-aa9e-a02b765ff0ea_story.html?utm_term=.032141311eeb">debunked</a>. On the other hand, children are vulnerable members of society who may need protection, at times, from even their own parents. Historically, American society has entrusted such debates to the marketplace of ideas.</p>
<p>As a <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?hl=en&user=ENJbSPMAAAAJ&view_op=list_works">scholar who studies issues of child protection and parental rights</a>, however, I believe that conversation may be stifled when the legal system decides to take sides.</p>
<p>Indeed, the media has begun reporting a steady stream of <a href="https://dc.law.utah.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://www.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=1008&context=onlaw#page=2">legal actions taken against parents</a> who opt for long-leash parenting. Parents have been charged with neglect and endangerment for allowing their kids to engage in various activities – such as walking to school, bicycling in the streets, playing in the park – without close adult supervision. Yet <a href="http://www.pbs.org/parents/experts/archive/2010/02/raising-a-free-range-kid.html">all of these activities were part of normal childhood only a generation ago</a>. Parents who dare defy the new parenting orthodoxy risk serious legal consequences, ranging from <a href="https://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/administrative/child_law/conf/Fearing_Bogeyman_David_Pimentel.authcheckdam.pdf#page=29">having their children taken away</a> to <a href="https://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/administrative/child_law/conf/Fearing_Bogeyman_David_Pimentel.authcheckdam.pdf#page=24">criminal prosecution</a>.</p>
<p>In response, the state of Utah recently passed <a href="https://le.utah.gov/%7E2018/bills/static/SB0065.html">legislation</a> that defines “neglect” to exclude allowing children “of sufficient age and maturity” to walk or bike to school, engage in outdoor play, stay home unattended, or “engage in similar independent activity.” It is the first salvo on behalf of the free-range parenting advocates in the ongoing battle over enforcement of hyper-protective parenting norms.</p>
<h2>Parents threatened</h2>
<p>Parents, of course, have <a href="http://www.cardozolawreview.com/content/38-1/PIMENTEL.38.1.pdf#page=28">constitutional rights</a> to raise their children as they see fit. But more often than not, <a href="http://www.cardozolawreview.com/content/38-1/PIMENTEL.38.1.pdf#page=19">these rights are neither asserted nor respected</a>. When faced with the threat of having their children taken from them, even temporarily, <a href="http://www.cardozolawreview.com/content/38-1/PIMENTEL.38.1.pdf#page=5">parents understandably waive these rights</a> and apologize and grovel, promising to adhere to highly protective parenting norms in the future. The resulting settlement allows the parents to retain custody, but effectively bullies everyone into <a href="http://www.cardozolawreview.com/content/38-1/PIMENTEL.38.1.pdf#page=55">parenting in the “approved” way</a>.</p>
<p>The underlying problem is far greater than the squelching of free-range parenting, whatever its merits, particularly for the less privileged, who are far more vulnerable to this type of threat and coercion.</p>
<p>A single mother who <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/07/arrested-for-letting-a-9-year-old-play-at-the-park-alone/374436/">left her daughter at the park to play</a> while she reported to her job at McDonalds, and a <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/05/15/shanesha-taylor-kids-in-car/27375405/">single mother who left her kids to wait</a> in the car while she interviewed for a much-needed job, were both arrested. They couldn’t afford child care, and couldn’t afford to stay home and be a full-time parent either. They were <a href="http://www.latimes.com/opinion/opinion-la/la-ol-debra-harrell-mythology-black-mothers-20140718-story.html">punished for parenting while poor – and, in these cases, black</a>. They were free-range parents not by choice, but by necessity.</p>
<h2>Cultural differences</h2>
<p>Families from various cultural groups in America are similarly at risk, and even a law like Utah’s may not help them. For example, it has been the <a href="http://www.brycs.org/documents/upload/multicultguidelines.pdf#page=36">cultural norm in large families in Latino communities</a> to entrust the care of little ones to their older siblings, a practice the authorities now <a href="https://www.brainchildmag.com/tag/bridget-kevane/">frown upon</a>. Scandinavian parents, who traditionally have their babies <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-21537988">nap outdoors</a> unattended, even in winter, have faced similar <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/1997/05/14/nyregion/toddler-left-outside-restaurant-is-returned-to-her-mother.html">legal pushback</a>.</p>
<p>What about parents who want to <a href="https://www.babysleepsite.com/newborns/is-swaddling-baby-dangerous/">swaddle their babies</a>, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2013/06/17/health/venezuela-baby-bottle-ban/index.html">bottle-feed them</a> or <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/van-winkles/is-co-sleeping-with-my-ba_b_7672782.html">co-sleep with them</a>? Will they be subject to intervention by the state?</p>
<p>I believe the Utah legislation is a landmark achievement, but it falls short of returning the larger issue of parenting style to the sole discretion of the parents. It merely carves exceptions for free-rangers into the rules – rules still dictated by the state, for how parents are permitted to parent. Libertarian sensibilities – including those of the growing array of homeschooling families, <a href="https://psmag.com/education/don-t-tread-on-me-i-homeschool-6198">who refuse to allow the state to control how their kids are taught and socialized</a> – are unlikely to be assuaged.</p>
<p>Respecting parents’ rights is hard to do, given the state’s countervailing need to protect vulnerable children from abuse and neglect. Utah has tipped the balance, restoring some discretion to parents, and reopening the door, just a crack, to the marketplace of ideas on parenting practices. But the legal battle over “who decides what’s best for my child” is far from over.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/97284/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>David Pimentel does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Utah’s new ‘free-range’ parenting law restores certain rights to parents regarding when they can leave their children unattended. But does the law go too far or not far enough?David Pimentel, Associate Professor of Law, University of IdahoLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/871752017-12-04T19:16:59Z2017-12-04T19:16:59Z‘No, I don’t wanna… wahhhh!’ A parent’s guide to managing tantrums<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/197235/original/file-20171130-30907-zuvyj4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Nine in ten children will have occasional tantrums.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/toddler-crying-aumumn-background-761625523?src=Vn-WgfytQGPSyNA7p38HsQ-3-67">ElenaDECAEN/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The first almighty toddler tantrum is a milestone in every child’s development that will never make the baby book. Epic meltdowns, especially those in public, can throw even the most confident parent off their game.</p>
<p>Between the ages of one and four, <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20524545">nearly 90% of children</a> will have occasional tantrums. They involve <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23006014">children expressing their anger and frustration</a> by screaming, crying, falling to the floor, flailing limbs, hitting, kicking, throwing items and, in some children, holding their breath. </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/197233/original/file-20171130-30896-eagai4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/197233/original/file-20171130-30896-eagai4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197233/original/file-20171130-30896-eagai4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197233/original/file-20171130-30896-eagai4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197233/original/file-20171130-30896-eagai4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197233/original/file-20171130-30896-eagai4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197233/original/file-20171130-30896-eagai4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">The cause can often be nonsensical.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/portrait-little-asian-boy-crying-garden-740786479?src=IyLhKbC-VEPQmE0lMaQJXA-3-15">Shutterstock/TumNuy</a></span>
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<p><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23006014">Tantrums often start</a> when a child wants something they can’t have, wants to avoid something, wants attention or if the child is hungry, tired, unwell or just frustrated.</p>
<p>But the cause can often be nonsensical, as blogger Greg Pembroke parodied in his book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Reasons-Kid-Crying-Greg-Pembroke/dp/0804139830">Reasons my Kid is Crying</a> (which include “I let him play on the grass”, “We told him the pig says ‘oink’,” and “The neighbour’s dog isn’t outside”). </p>
<p>Tantrum throwing peaks at age two, as children experience the perfect storm of not being able to express themselves verbally while simultaneously developing their sense of autonomy and independence.</p>
<h2>What’s normal and what’s not?</h2>
<p>While part of normal child development, tantrums are a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26783943">common reason for parents</a> to seek psychiatric help for their child. At the more serious end of tantrum behaviour, <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2045487">around 7% of children</a> exhibit tantrums multiple times a day, lasting for 15 minutes or more. Half of these children usually have an underlying behavioural or developmental problem.</p>
<p>Tantrums that <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23006014">might be classed as “abnormal”</a> tend to be those that continue past the preschool age, last longer than 15 minutes, involve the child injuring themselves or others, occur more than five times a day, or where mood is low between tantrums instead of returning to normal.</p>
<p>Other <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22928674">signs that tantrums are more severe</a> are when they occur with non-parental adults or happen out of the blue, with no seeming provocation. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/the-eyes-have-it-changing-kids-minds-about-bad-behaviour-34141">The eyes have it: changing kids' minds about bad behaviour</a>
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<p>Unsurprisingly, the family of a child who is prone to frequent tantrums may also need support. One <a href="http://www.anadolupsikiyatri.net/?mno=246897">recent study</a> found that half of all mothers of children presenting for help with tantrum behaviours had a mental health problem themselves, commonly depression and anxiety.</p>
<p>Other family factors that were <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2045487">associated with frequent or severe tantrums</a> in children include maternal irritability, marital stress, low parental education level, when child care is exclusively provided by the mother, and when corporal punishment is used in the home.</p>
<p>All of this paints a picture of a family under considerable stress, whether it precedes or results from the child’s tantrums. Either way, frequent tantrums are <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12806225">likely to escalate stress in the home</a> so it’s important the whole family system is given means to cope. </p>
<h2>What to do when your child has a meltdown</h2>
<p>For the 90% of parents who are experiencing tantrums as part of normal child development, the best way to deal with them is to try to avoid them. It’s easier said than done, but as much as you can, be <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23006014">consistent and predictable</a> with rules and routines. And ensure expectations of your child are appropriate for their age. </p>
<p>Offer choices in decision-making to encourage independence while ensuring the available options are acceptable to you as a parent. For example, “Would you like a yoghurt or a cracker?” (Not “what would you like to eat?”).</p>
<p>Or, “Would you like to listen to Play School or Wiggles in the car today?” (Not “what do you want to listen to?” Doing that one wrong can end up with months of playing Alvin and the Chipmunks Greatest Hits, which is as bad as it sounds). </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/197092/original/file-20171130-30912-nwt1mr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/197092/original/file-20171130-30912-nwt1mr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197092/original/file-20171130-30912-nwt1mr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197092/original/file-20171130-30912-nwt1mr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197092/original/file-20171130-30912-nwt1mr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197092/original/file-20171130-30912-nwt1mr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/197092/original/file-20171130-30912-nwt1mr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Encourage older children to say how they’re feeling.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/confirm/729251812?src=IyLhKbC-VEPQmE0lMaQJXA-3-48&size=huge_jpg">Shutterstock</a></span>
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<p>A regular mealtime and sleep routine will help avoid the hungry and overtired meltdowns, and removing sources of frustration for the child (such as a jar of biscuits they can see but not reach) can also help.</p>
<p>As the child gets older, encourage your child to express how they are feeling in words. The words to describe emotions can also be mirrored back to children to help teach emotional literacy, for example “You seem really angry about this” or “I can tell that this has made you feel really sad”.</p>
<p>As much as consistency is important as a parent, so is picking your battles. If the issue isn’t important or compromising safety, it <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23006014">might not be worth</a> the showdown. </p>
<p>Also, remember to give your child plenty of positive attention when their behaviour warrants it, as a child who is feeling overlooked may provoke negative attention just to get any attention at all.</p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/how-children-use-their-emotions-to-learn-57938">How children use their emotions to learn</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>If prevention hasn’t worked, a few <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23006014">strategies</a> may help. Remain calm, don’t escalate the situation and don’t cave in to ensure tantrums are not seen as a productive exercise. Time-outs, where the child is moved away from the problem situation, can help both parent and child to calm down. The <a href="https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Time-Outs-101.aspx">American Academy of Pediatrics recommends</a> one minute of time-out per year of the child’s age.</p>
<p>If you’re in a public place, try to redirect the child’s attention and if that doesn’t work, keep calm and leave the location if necessary. </p>
<p>Finally, many years ago in a study of chimpanzees <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/(SICI)1098-2337(1997)23:5%3C329::AID-AB3%3E3.0.CO;2-D/abstract">researchers observed</a> the phenomenon of reconciliation after conflict. Just like chimpanzees, more than one-third of toddlers want to end their tantrum with a hug, known as “post-tantrum affiliation”. It’s a nice way to signal the end of the crisis and a return to being part of normal family life with the knowledge that, for most families, the tantrum phase will pass.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/87175/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Monique Robinson receives funding from the National Health and Medical Research Council (NHMRC).</span></em></p>Tantrum throwing peaks at age two, as children experience the perfect storm of not being able to express themselves verbally while simultaneously developing their sense of autonomy and independence.Monique Robinson, Early Career Fellow, Telethon Kids Institute, The University of Western AustraliaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/837522017-11-20T02:25:59Z2017-11-20T02:25:59ZDiapers, potties and split pants: Understanding toilet training around the world may help parents relax<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195246/original/file-20171117-19245-1c14v0z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Chill: There's no one right way.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/david_martin_foto/24073729359">David D</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Are two-year-olds too young to start toilet training?</p>
<p>For many children, yes. Especially boys. At least, that’s what American pediatricians would likely say. Nowadays, only <a href="http://www.aafp.org/afp/2008/1101/p1059.html">around half of children in the U.S.</a> are fully toilet-trained by age three.</p>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=860&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=860&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=860&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1081&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1081&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195240/original/file-20171117-19320-ipdm73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1081&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Split pants let a Chinese boy go when he needs to.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Chinese_boy_with_open_rear_pants_closeup.jpg">Daniel Case</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Chinese grandmothers would be appalled. They’d likely point out that with “split pants,” most kids are trained by age two. This traditional wardrobe item features an opening along the crotch seam, allowing children to urinate and defecate freely without soiling their clothes. These garments remain the pants style of choice for toddlers living in the Chinese countryside.</p>
<p>Parenting advice about divergent toilet-training methods (not to mention plenty of other child-rearing questions) is typically dished out as if it were the only reasonable, reliable option. Nowadays, parents are confronted with guidance claimed to be scientifically founded, and presented as relevant to all children, even when different strategies are in direct conflict with each other. With over 2,000 parenting advice books in print in English – and, along with so many parenting blogs, there’s even a <a href="https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/great-parenting-blogs-through-the-ages">parody of the genre</a> – it’s easy to see why many modern parents feel confused about how to raise their children.</p>
<p>As an anthropologist, I’ve been studying child-rearing practices around the world for 25 years. Living with my husband (writer Philip Graham) in small villages in the rainforest of West Africa for extended periods convinced me that we humans are a resilient species, able to thrive in so many distinctive settings. Discovering the incredible diversity of ways to raise children inspired us to rethink and change some of our own family’s child-rearing practices (around bed-sharing, independence and household tasks, for instance).</p>
<p>There’s no one-size-fits-all model of child-rearing advice for all the world’s parents. To spread this message, my colleagues and I collaborated on the book “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1017/CBO9781316480625">A World of Babies: Imagined Childcare Guides for Eight Societies</a>,” based on our own and others’ long-term ethnographic fieldwork in places ranging from Israel and the Palestinian territories to China, Portugal, Peru, Denmark, Côte d'Ivoire and a Somali-American community in Minneapolis. By presenting multiple solutions to the commonest challenges facing parents, we hope to provide a bit of a tonic for parents, to assure them that there’s more than one path to raising a well-adjusted child.</p>
<h2>Toilet training from birth?</h2>
<p>So, why do parents choose a given child-rearing practice? Often, it comes down to money and availability. Let’s revisit that question about toilet training.</p>
<p>In Côte d'Ivoire, Beng mothers begin training their infants’ bowels a few days after birth. They administer enemas twice daily, beginning the day a newborn’s dried-out umbilical cord stump drops off. By the time the little one is a few months old, caregivers shouldn’t have to worry about him pooping during the day at all.</p>
<p>What could account for such a seemingly extreme practice? For one thing, disposable diapers are unavailable in Beng villages – and throughout much of the global south. Moreover, even if they were sold in local markets, few subsistence-farming families could afford them. (And the planet can’t afford them, either. Environmentalists calculate that “disposable” diapers constitute the <a href="http://realdiapers.org/diaper-facts">third-largest single consumer item in landfills</a>, and their <a href="http://www.peggyomara.com/2014/01/16/a-tale-of-two-diapers/">production requires some 7 billion gallons of oil each year</a>.)</p>
<p>But availability and affordability tell only part of the story. The structure of labor plus deep-seated values also shape parents’ choices.</p>
<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=924&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=924&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=924&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1161&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1161&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195254/original/file-20171117-19320-u89aa5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1161&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A Beng babysitter carrying a young charge.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Alma Gottlieb</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In Côte d'Ivoire (as elsewhere across sub-Saharan Africa), Beng babies spend most of their days attached to someone’s back. Often, that someone is not the mother – who is working in her fields, producing crops to feed her large family. Beng society (unlike traditional Chinese society) also rates all feces (including those of babies) as disgusting, and the thought of a baby pooping on someone’s back produces revulsion.</p>
<p>Given the local attitude toward feces, no potential babysitter would take care of a child likely to poop on her back while being carried. Hence, starting potty-training from birth aims to help a mother get her farmwork done. In that sense, early toilet-training promotes an adequate food supply for a mother’s family.</p>
<p>A Western observer might shrink in horror from this practice, imagining long-lasting emotional maladjustments from early trauma. But, discounting the ravages of poverty that challenge health and deny educational and economic opportunity, these very early toilet-trained babies appear to grow into just as happy and well-adjusted adults as diaper-wearing children might become.</p>
<h2>Context counts for what works</h2>
<p>In motivation, this practice may not even be as exotic as it might appear to a non-Beng reader. In the U.S., women’s labor needs may also dictate potty-training schedules, albeit with a later timeline. Many daycare centers accept only children who are fully potty-trained. If a working mother lacks both in-home daycare options and babysitting relatives, she may work frantically to potty-train her toddler as soon as possible, so she may return to full-time paid work.</p>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=634&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=634&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=634&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=797&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=797&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/195256/original/file-20171117-19305-3ohgzc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=797&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">This Palestinian girl cares for her baby brother as part of the extended ‘hamula’ family who raise children collectively whenever possible.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Bree Akesson</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>For stay-at-home moms, or working moms who have nearby relatives to care for their child, different life situations may dictate toilet-training decisions. In the Palestinian territories, for instance, many women start toilet-training around 14 or 15 months. They’re able to start early because they aren’t working outside the home, so they have the time. On the other hand, a Palestininan working woman may start toilet-training later, maybe around age two. In this case, women in the extended family (“hamula”) would care for the child while the mother worked, so no daycare rule compels early toilet-training.</p>
<p>Once we explore the local context of people’s daily lives, seemingly exotic or even abusive practices – split pants, infant enemas – suddenly seem far less so. Opening the minds of worried new parents to “other” ways of raising children may assuage fears that if they fail to “do the right thing,” their children will be doomed. Through exploring comparative commode customs, along with many other parenting practices, it’s clear there are many “right ways” to raise a child.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/83752/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Alma Gottlieb is a Professor Emerita of Anthropology at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and a Visiting Scholar in Anthropology at Brown University. She is on the advisory boards for the following organizations: Cape Verdean-American Community Development (Pawtucket, RI); World Affairs Council of Rhode Island; Cape Verdean-Jewish Annual Seder (Boston); and IndivisibleRI. She is on the Editorial Board of the following scholarly journals: AnthropoChildren: Perspectives Ethnographiques sur les Enfants & l'Enfance/Ethnographic Perspectives in Children & Childhood; Anthropology and Education Quarterly; Anthropology Today; and Mande Studies. Since 1979, she has received funding from the following agencies: Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), European Commission/U.S. Department of Education, National Endowment for the Humanities, John Simon Guggenheim Memorial Foundation, Wenner-Gren Foundation for Anthropological Research, Woodrow Wilson National Fellowship Foundation, American Association of University Women, and Social Science Research Council. She is co-founder and co-director (with Philip Graham) of the Beng Community Fund, a non-profit, 501 (c) (3) organization to benefit the Beng community of Côte d’Ivoire.</span></em></p>Opening the minds of worried new parents to other ways of raising children may assuage fears that if they fail to ‘do the right thing,’ their children will be doomed.Alma Gottlieb, Professor Emerita of Anthropology, African Studies, and Gender and Women's Studies, University of Illinois at Urbana-ChampaignLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/795382017-07-05T22:42:33Z2017-07-05T22:42:33Z‘Screen time’ is about more than setting limits<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176447/original/file-20170630-8225-1jd0hdt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">How much is too much screen time for kids?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/asian-brother-sister-watching-cartoons-on-472962424?src=-8M1vrXec2Haov1oCsGriQ-1-8">Dragon Images/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>In today’s media-rich world (or media-saturated, depending on your view), one rarely has to look far to find parents concerned about the ways that kids engage with technology. Recently, managing “screen time” seems to be on <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/06/19/why-a-colorado-dad-is-fighting-to-make-smartphones-for-preteens-illegal/">everyone’s</a> <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/can-they-unplug-a-school-principal-will-pay-students-to-forgo-screentime-this-summer/2017/06/09/b22decd4-4c88-11e7-bc1b-fddbd8359dee_story.html">mind</a> – particularly during these summer months when kids find themselves with more time on their hands.</p>
<p>As someone who has spent the majority of my career studying <a href="http://www.mitpress.mit.edu/books/framing-internet-safety">kids and safety online</a>, I get a lot of questions from parents about screen time. My response? There’s a lot more to digital media consumption than expert advice about hourly limits. </p>
<iframe src="https://datawrapper.dwcdn.net/8NcPA/4/" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowtransparency="true" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" webkitallowfullscreen="webkitallowfullscreen" mozallowfullscreen="mozallowfullscreen" oallowfullscreen="oallowfullscreen" msallowfullscreen="msallowfullscreen" width="100%" height="328"></iframe>
<h2>Where ‘screen time’ comes from</h2>
<p>The idea of “screen time” initially gained traction in 1999, when the American Academy of Pediatrics suggested that parents <a href="https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2011-1753">avoid smartphone, tablet, computer and TV use for children under two</a> and limit such use to no more than two hours for children over two, adding hours as kids mature. While the American Academy of Pediatrics <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-much-screen-time-is-good-for-kids-53780">relaxed these guidelines</a> somewhat in 2016 (expanding their policies to include <a href="https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2016-2592">positive digital media use</a> and suggest family media plans), the <a href="http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/66927/1/Policy%20Brief%2017-%20Families%20%20Screen%20Time.pdf">core idea of screen time remains largely unchanged</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=597&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=597&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=597&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=750&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=750&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176937/original/file-20170705-29992-vwtymp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=750&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">As early as 1984, even the Berenstains had something to say about screen time.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/12152/the-berenstain-bears-and-too-much-tv-by-stan-and-jan-berenstain-illustrated-by-the-authors/9780394865706/">Penguin Random House</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Despite the allure of easy-to-follow rules that address parental concerns, screen time recommendations have drawn <a href="http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/66927/1/Policy%20Brief%2017-%20Families%20%20Screen%20Time.pdf">increasing criticism</a> from a <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/science/head-quarters/2017/jan/06/screen-time-guidelines-need-to-be-built-on-evidence-not-hype">wide range of experts</a>.</p>
<p>In the academic world, the science supporting screen time recommendations has major limitations. Lab-based studies don’t always translate to the complexities of real life. More often than not, screen time studies demonstrate <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691615596788">connections between problems with well-being and media use</a>; they don’t demonstrate that one causes the other. For example, while research suggests that there’s a connection between screen time and childhood obesity, that could just mean that kids who are less active are more likely to be obese and spend more time in front of screens. The research does not suggest that screen time causes obesity.</p>
<h2>Screen time today</h2>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176465/original/file-20170630-16446-2jgstb.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176465/original/file-20170630-16446-2jgstb.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=1067&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176465/original/file-20170630-16446-2jgstb.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=1067&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176465/original/file-20170630-16446-2jgstb.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=1067&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176465/original/file-20170630-16446-2jgstb.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1341&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176465/original/file-20170630-16446-2jgstb.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1341&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176465/original/file-20170630-16446-2jgstb.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1341&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">One way to limit kids’ screen time: apps that lock their internet usage after a certain amount of time.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.unglue.com/press/">unGlue</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>As our media practices have changed, and adults themselves have begun to spend more of their time online, the idea of screen time has not quite kept up with the times. The world is increasingly saturated with all kinds of <a href="https://theconversation.com/textbooks-in-the-digital-world-78299">positive, interactive media experiences</a> – for children and adults alike. Ideas about limiting screen time assume all screen experiences are equally negative for kids and that they’re replacing positive offline activities.</p>
<p>Yet, we know that kids do all kinds of positive things with digital media, often in ways that <a href="https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/hanging-out-messing-around-and-geeking-out">support and are supported by “real life” activities</a> – in ways similar to adults. They go online to hang out with friends, catch up on events and seek out entertainment and information, just like anyone else.</p>
<p>In my own work, I’ve argued that some of the problems that parents have with kids and technology are, in fact, not about technology at all. With each generation, kids have been <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/14733285.2011.638173">increasingly restricted</a> from <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/13/living/feat-maryland-free-range-parenting-family-under-investigation-again/index.html">going outside on their own</a>. With fewer private spaces to be a kid, we shouldn’t be surprised when kids turn to social media apps to hang out and socialize – and get upset when we stop them.</p>
<p>What looks like a “waste of time” or an “addiction” is often just <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/242101479_Questioning_the_Generational_Divide_Technological_Exoticism_and_Adult_Constructions_of_Online_Youth_Identity">everyday hanging out</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176448/original/file-20170630-21184-jikdnd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176448/original/file-20170630-21184-jikdnd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=426&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176448/original/file-20170630-21184-jikdnd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=426&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176448/original/file-20170630-21184-jikdnd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=426&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176448/original/file-20170630-21184-jikdnd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=535&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176448/original/file-20170630-21184-jikdnd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=535&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176448/original/file-20170630-21184-jikdnd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=535&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Should kids be allowed outside – away from their devices – alone? The Meitiv family of Silver Spring, Maryland, faced an investigation after allowing their children to play in a local park unsupervised.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">AP Photo/Jose Luis Magana</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>So what should parents do?</h2>
<p>How, then, can parents get a handle on their children’s media use? As always, <a href="https://www.danah.org/books/ItsComplicated.pdf">it’s complicated</a> – and no expert advice should trump the real, everyday experiences that parents have with their own children. That said, there are some general guidelines that can help.</p>
<p>First, parents should get away from ideas about time and focus more on the <a href="http://blogs.lse.ac.uk/mediapolicyproject/2016/08/05/the-content-and-context-of-screen-use-is-more-important-than-the-amount-of-screen-time/">content, context and connections</a> provided by different kinds of engagement with media. There’s a world of difference between spending a few hours playing games with close friends online and spending a few hours interacting with hate groups in an online forum. </p>
<p>Second, parents should ask <a href="http://blogs.lse.ac.uk/parenting4digitalfuture/2016/10/21/new-screen-time-rules-from-the-american-academy-of-pediatrics/">real questions concerning the well-being of their children</a>, independent of their media use. Are your children healthy, socially engaged, doing well in school and generally happy? If so, there’s probably no need to enforce hard restrictions on technology. If not, it’s best not to rush to conclusions about the inherent evils of technology. Have a conversation with kids about what they’re doing and what they think the rules should be. Unilaterally cutting kids off without understanding their problems can often <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/warning-screen-time-rules-can-backfire_us_5925d374e4b090bac9d46b07">make things worse</a>.</p>
<p>Finally, parents should remember that there’s no substitute for a meaningful, supportive relationship between parents and children. With a stable, trusting relationship, even negative experiences online can become positive learning experiences. In my many years of working with families, I’ve learned that if you already care enough to be worried about digital media, you’re probably already “doing enough” to protect your kids.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176451/original/file-20170630-22617-18kaozg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/176451/original/file-20170630-22617-18kaozg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176451/original/file-20170630-22617-18kaozg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176451/original/file-20170630-22617-18kaozg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176451/original/file-20170630-22617-18kaozg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176451/original/file-20170630-22617-18kaozg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/176451/original/file-20170630-22617-18kaozg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Monitoring children’s media consumption is important, but there’s no substitute for quality family time.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/nathaninsandiego/3995036506/">Nathan Rupert</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/">CC BY-NC</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/79538/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Nathan Fisk, Ph.D. receives funding from the National Science Foundation. </span></em></p>For decades, parents have fretted over ‘screen time,’ limiting the hours their children spend looking at a screen. But as times change, so does media… and how parents should (or shouldn’t) regulate it.Nathan Fisk, Assistant Professor of Cybersecurity Education, University of South FloridaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/759792017-05-19T01:01:13Z2017-05-19T01:01:13ZChild anxiety and parenting in the Trump era<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170007/original/file-20170518-12263-1jigwfr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">What can parents do to help their children manage the political climate?</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">AP Photo/Richard Vogel</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>“Lucy,” a shy, intelligent six-year-old, missed three days of school because she had stomachaches. The symptoms started the day after Lucy witnessed a loud argument while waiting for the bus with her babysitter. A “scary man” shouted at people waiting: “Watch out, you’re all going to be deported now!” Lucy didn’t know what “deported” meant, but she knew it was very bad. People told the man to leave and shouted insults at him that Lucy didn’t understand. The man finally left, shaking his fist and threatening “police action.” Lucy held her babysitter’s hand, looked up and noticed tears in her sitter’s eyes. Lucy’s stomach started to rumble. Sadly, cases like Lucy’s are becoming increasingly common.</p>
<p>I’m a child and adolescent psychiatrist and psychoanalyst with expertise in anxiety disorders. Since November’s election and the general political upheaval that accompanied it, medical professionals across the country have observed <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/nov/25/donald-trump-immigration-deportation-children-doctors">an uptick in agitation and anxiety</a> among our young patients.</p>
<p>What do we know about how anxiety develops in children? And what can parents do to reduce it?</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=420&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=420&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=420&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=528&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=528&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170033/original/file-20170518-12257-fhprh6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=528&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Children can get swept up in the heat of political rhetoric.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">AP Photo/Julie Jacobson</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Kids take on the grown-ups’ anxiety</h2>
<p>Strong <a href="http://www.cambridge.org/us/academic/subjects/psychology/social-psychology/emotional-contagion?format=PB&isbn=9780521449489#pAfM0TVKhJatR00Z.97">emotions are contagious</a> – particularly anxiety. And while anxiety spreads easily among us all, children are the most vulnerable. Elementary school children lack a fully developed ability to solve problems on their own, making it difficult for them to separate other people’s worries (especially adults’) from their own frightening fantasies.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, although kids tend to take on their parents’ worries, it can be hard for parents to control anxiety – even in normal times. But these are not normal times: Politicians, the media and ordinary citizens on both sides are hurling heated rhetoric across the aisle, all of which <a href="http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2017/02/why-america-is-so-stressed-out-politics-politics-politics.html">is fueling anxiety</a>.</p>
<p>When upset enough, people can start to think and behave in less rational, more primitive ways. Mental health professionals call this “<a href="http://www.anselm.edu/homepage/dbanach/h-freud-lectures.htm">regression</a>”: when people go from adult, rational behavior to a more emotionally charged, less reasoned way of thinking and acting. </p>
<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=451&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=451&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=451&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=567&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=567&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170018/original/file-20170518-12231-1b4j7yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=567&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Public displays of politically charged rhetoric seem to be everywhere.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">AP Photo/Paul Sakuma</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>These days, I’ve personally observed this sort of overly emotional, regressive behavior more and more frequently – often in public places, like on the subway, where people seem more ready than in recent memory to dispense insults.</p>
<p>As a child psychiatrist, I’m concerned when I see emotionally charged language routinely expressed in public discourse, often in the form of intolerance toward those with differing political beliefs or divergent racial/ethnic/sexual orientation backgrounds.</p>
<p>Times of emotional upheaval (and the regressive behavior that accompanies it) can effectively <a href="https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children/childhood-anxiety-disorders">terrorize children</a>, causing them to become traumatized, highly anxious or have difficulty sleeping, eating or focusing in school.</p>
<h2>Developmental factors in processing anxiety</h2>
<p>Before third or fourth grade, children haven’t yet formed the rational, organized thought processes that developmental psychologist <a href="http://www.piaget.org/aboutPiaget.html">Jean Piaget</a> called “<a href="https://www.simplypsychology.org/concrete-operational.html">concrete operations</a>.” Before reaching this stage of cognitive development, children don’t rely on cause and effect. Rather, magical (nonrational) explanations predominate. Noises in the middle of the night are as likely to come from monsters as heating pipes. The school bus is as likely to appear because they blinked and wished it as because it has a schedule. Conflicts unambiguously feature “good guys” and “bad guys.”</p>
<p>Anxious fantasies can feel as real as the everyday world. For Lucy, who experienced her worries as physical symptoms (stomachaches and even vomiting the next time she got on the bus), it required patience and attention to translate her symptoms back to language so she could feel more in control.</p>
<p>In general, adults rely on <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730500245906">a routine ability</a> to read their own emotions and those of others. These skills are newly developed in young children and can collapse in scary situations or in the face of parental upheaval. When children become anxious enough, this collapse can <a href="http://www.mbtchild.com/">spiral</a> into an impaired ability to understand the world and a growing sense of isolation.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170019/original/file-20170518-12250-p3z0mw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170019/original/file-20170518-12250-p3z0mw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=485&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170019/original/file-20170518-12250-p3z0mw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=485&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170019/original/file-20170518-12250-p3z0mw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=485&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170019/original/file-20170518-12250-p3z0mw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=610&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170019/original/file-20170518-12250-p3z0mw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=610&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170019/original/file-20170518-12250-p3z0mw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=610&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Parent anxiety can turn into child anxiety.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/mother-child-hug-637550848?src=-Tf7QGqes-d9uK_b0J1Fxw-1-75">Tofe Allen / Shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>What can parents do?</h2>
<p>How can parents navigate this <a href="http://time.com/4353606/anger-america-enough-already/">flood tide of personal and community upset</a> and raise relatively healthy kids? Parents always have a hard job, but I’ve seen the aggressive political climate complicate the ever-daunting task of raising children. Parents want to remain truthful to children to underscore trust, while also gauging what children can tolerate hearing without becoming overwhelmed. This can get more difficult when parents feel overwhelmed themselves.</p>
<p>Parents should reflect and reinforce their own values. Lucy’s parents couldn’t pretend that her bus stop incident didn’t happen, didn’t matter or wasn’t frightening. They needed to acknowledge how frightened she felt, while <a href="http://www.wbur.org/commonhealth/2016/11/10/parents-talk-to-kids-trump-anxiety">reassuring her</a> that school had not become dangerous.</p>
<p>What parents tell children is important, but <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/00207284.1966.11642910">how parents act is also a crucial guide for kids</a>. In today’s political climate, it’s more important than ever for parents to be good role models. That means that values like kindness, patience, respect for others, taking turns and sharing should be developed early and demonstrated often.</p>
<p>Listening to others is crucial, even when we’re angry. Bullying, violence and name-calling are behaviors that parents should take care not to model for their children. (One survey of 2,000 K-12 teachers suggested an <a href="https://www.splcenter.org/20160413/trump-effect-impact-presidential-campaign-our-nations-schools">increase in school bullying</a> during the 2016 election.)</p>
<p>Parents’ roles are more important now than ever. How parents respond in these challenging times can shape <a href="https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children-and-teens/tips-parents-and-caregivers/help-your-child-manage-traumatic-">a child’s ability to grow normally or become traumatized</a>. How they channel anxiety and rage makes a difference.</p>
<p>Furthermore, the significant impact parents have on their children’s mental health and well-being may, in turn, be crucial to maintaining a rational society. In my view, this is the small, partial contribution that parents can make to this country’s current upheaval.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170010/original/file-20170518-12266-1j3ti73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/170010/original/file-20170518-12266-1j3ti73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=357&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170010/original/file-20170518-12266-1j3ti73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=357&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170010/original/file-20170518-12266-1j3ti73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=357&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170010/original/file-20170518-12266-1j3ti73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=449&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170010/original/file-20170518-12266-1j3ti73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=449&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/170010/original/file-20170518-12266-1j3ti73.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=449&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Even young kids are participating in the public discourse. What can parents do when things get heated?</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">AP Photo/Elaine Thompson</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/75979/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Barbara Milrod receives funding from The Clinical Translational Science Center at Weill Cornell Medical College and a Fund in the New York Community Trust established by DeWitt Wallace. Previously funded by two grants at the National Institute of Mental Health and the Brain and Behavior Foundation (NARSAD)
</span></em></p>With emotionally charged rhetoric from both sides of the aisle and many parents in a heightened state of distress, children are more vulnerable than ever to anxiety. What can parents do?Barbara Milrod, Professor of Psychiatry, Medical College, Cornell UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/734952017-05-03T12:05:24Z2017-05-03T12:05:24ZHow children under pressure can lose confidence<p>Consistency is a major challenge for parents. It can be difficult to always treat children the same way in different situations. A modern mother or father might be breezily relaxed about their child’s time at home, but immediately uptight about their performance on the football pitch or in school tests.</p>
<p>But the way parents relate to their offspring in different contexts can lead to a complicated relationship. Specifically, it can affect the feeling of attachment which is so important to children as they grow up. </p>
<p>“<a href="https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html">Attachment</a>” describes the key emotional bond that exists right from the moment newborn infants seek proximity and comfort from their primary caregivers (usually parents). It is a connection that can be tested in difficult moments later on, such as when the child experiences sadness, pain or anger. And it is in these situations that the child relies on the strength of that bond to feel safe and secure. </p>
<p>These connections, and the sense of security they bring, are established during a child’s early development. They provide the internal psychological working models which serve as guidelines in later attachment experiences with <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship">romantic partners</a> and <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1461415/">close friends</a>. They also influence how we <a href="https://www.essex.ac.uk/armedcon/unit/projects/wwbc_guide/wwbc.chapter.1.english.pdf">cope</a> with the emotional problems of daily life.</p>
<p>A secure attachment develops in childhood through parents’ constant attentive, empathetic and supportive response to emotional needs, especially during their vulnerable moments. Children who receive this will consider themselves worthy of being loved by others. They are then able to seek support and consolation from others in the future. It also aides the ability to cope well with life’s adversities, instead of bottling things up or dealing with troubles in an aggressive manner. </p>
<p>A strong attachment <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ethical-wisdom/201104/the-meeting-eyes-love-how-empathy-is-born-in-us">encourages children to consider</a> the thoughts, actions and feelings of others. And due to their skills of understanding, empathy and tolerance, such children are also more likely to be liked and trusted, helping them to form stable relationships in later life.</p>
<p>But parenting can be complicated. And even with the best of intentions, techniques can vary significantly in a variety of situations. This is especially apparent when children are involved in achievement related activities. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/166081/original/file-20170420-20054-liskl4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/166081/original/file-20170420-20054-liskl4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=384&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/166081/original/file-20170420-20054-liskl4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=384&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/166081/original/file-20170420-20054-liskl4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=384&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/166081/original/file-20170420-20054-liskl4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=483&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/166081/original/file-20170420-20054-liskl4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=483&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/166081/original/file-20170420-20054-liskl4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=483&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Aiming for a high score.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">John Walton/PA Wire/PA Images</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Sporting events, school reports and reward-based competitions can lead to parents applying pressure, becoming obsessive and inducing anxiety and stress. This can result in unduly high expectations, and a reduced sense of security on the part of the child. In these scenarios, the specific context has led to a different approach to parenting – and a weakened attachment. </p>
<p>Poor test results or losing a sporting event in these competitive (and sometimes public) environments mean children might need more support or consolation from their parents. But these parents are often too busy with their own aggressive and competitive feelings – they scold their children or neglect their needs, adding insecurity to the attachment.</p>
<p>Part of what’s happening with these parents is the <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7595194_Achievement_by_Proxy_Distortion_in_Sports_A_Distorted_Mentoring_of_High-Achieving_Youth_Historical_Perspectives_and_Clinical_Intervention_with_Children_Adolescents_and_their_Families">“objectification” of their child</a>. Ambitious and competitive parents regarding their child as an object, rather than a person, as a means to satisfy their own need for achievement. Children may cope with this by emotionally distancing themselves from their own needs, accidentally colluding in this objectification of themselves. It leads children to feel guilty if they can’t match their parents’ expectations. They feel an impulsive need to succeed in order to please their parents, because they define or value themselves by their parents’ recognition and approval.</p>
<h2>Be a good sport</h2>
<p>My own research indicates that young athletes may feel their hard work and motivation is driven by parental pressure rather than their own desires. They don’t feel that the people they care about also care about them. They are very insecure about their abilities and lack confidence in their day to day lives. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/229667013_Attachment_style_and_romantic_love_Relationship_dissolution">Studies</a> have shown that steady and trusting relationships can be formed by enhancing attachment security and decreasing insecure attachments. Attentive, empathetic and supportive responses to a child’s emotional needs should be consistent – especially during vulnerable moments. </p>
<p>So what can parents do to improve the situation if they sometimes lack this necessary consistency? According to my initial research findings, sport may actually be a good place to start.</p>
<p>You don’t necessarily need to take up their chosen sport yourself – but take time to listen and provide company in that part of your child’s life. Ditch the out of control rage on the touchline, the scolding, and neglect. Instead, use the sporting experience as an opportunity to deliberately provide emotional support – during practice sessions, competitions, watching sport or even shopping for sporting related equipment. </p>
<p>No matter how they perform on court or on the track or on the pitch, your unconditional care and appreciation in response to their needs of your love can gradually enhance their attachment security. That way, you both win.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/73495/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ya-Hsin Lai does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Parents need to focus on context and consistency.Ya-Hsin Lai, PhD Researcher in Education, University of BathLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/673332016-12-05T12:06:09Z2016-12-05T12:06:09ZHow ‘neuroparenting’ is sapping the joy out of family life<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/146826/original/image-20161121-4544-1afb6x2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>The concept of “neuroparenting” is making great waves among parents at the moment, with claims that <a href="http://www.battleofideas.org.uk/2016/session/11536#.WDRGLKKLQ4Y">neuroscience</a> and new knowledge about brain development can help us to know “once and for all” how children ought to be raised.</p>
<p>The idea of neuroparenting is that mums and dads need to be trained to love and care for their babies – in specific “brain-building” ways. But isn’t formalising parenting in this way just making people stressed?</p>
<p>This current parenting trend has led to entrepreneurial neuroparenting “experts” making money from the promotion of books, websites, toys and training courses targeted at anxious parents. And it has also started to gain influence in policy circles – with <a href="http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201516/cmhansrd/cm151217/debtext/151217-0003.htm">one MP in parliament saying that</a> raising children is “not rocket science, technically its
neuroscience”. </p>
<p>Former Prime Minster David Cameron also took up the neuroparenting mantle last February when he <a href="https://www.gov.uk/government/speeches/prime-ministers-speech-on-life-chances">claimed that attending parenting classes</a> ought to be “aspirational”. All parents, he said, need to be taught the significance of “the baby talk, the silly faces, the chatter even when we know they can’t answer back” because “mums and dads literally build babies’ brains”. </p>
<h2>Costly care?</h2>
<p>While in theory individual parents can choose to reject this parenting lifestyle, when governments decide that all parents require neuroparenting training to do a good enough job, we should be concerned. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/146830/original/image-20161121-4547-1m3yvt1.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/146830/original/image-20161121-4547-1m3yvt1.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146830/original/image-20161121-4547-1m3yvt1.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146830/original/image-20161121-4547-1m3yvt1.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146830/original/image-20161121-4547-1m3yvt1.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146830/original/image-20161121-4547-1m3yvt1.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146830/original/image-20161121-4547-1m3yvt1.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Because having a baby can be difficult enough.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Pexels</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Having spent the past few years reading promotional material produced by neuroparenting advocates and surveying UK policy documents which have absorbed their key messages, I have wondered and worried about the consequences of this cold, technical reinterpretation of family life. </p>
<p>This is because under neuroparenting we are in an alien, joy-sapping territory – not a loving family home. Caring for a child becomes a matter of “attunement” – a “neurobiologised” version of the mother-child relationship where the mother must be constantly attentive to behavioural “cues”, which are said to express the baby’s needs. </p>
<p>So cuddling and touching a baby becomes formalised in “brain-nurturing” baby massage classes. Mothers must ask the baby’s permission before initiating touch and specific movements are prescribed by an instructor. Meanwhile, midwives and health visitors tell new parents that they must engage in specific interactions with their babies, to build the child’s language skills through talking and singing.</p>
<h2>Just parenting</h2>
<p>At a recent conference of teachers, <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Neuroparenting-Expert-Invasion-Family-Life/dp/1137547324">I spoke about my new book</a>, which argues that neuroparenting dangerously undermines the spontaneous pleasures of family life. And many there seemed to share my concerns about the tendency to see children as “brains on legs”.</p>
<p>One headteacher asked what she should say to parents who request guidance on getting their child “school-ready”, because she was concerned that too many parents have become convinced that an expert (the teacher) knows more than they do about their own child’s development. Her intention was not to bash parents, rather she wanted to know how to encourage parents to see “school” as a distinct domain from “home”, where their own judgement ought to hold sway.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/146828/original/image-20161121-4560-3ajztp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/146828/original/image-20161121-4560-3ajztp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=385&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146828/original/image-20161121-4560-3ajztp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=385&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146828/original/image-20161121-4560-3ajztp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=385&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146828/original/image-20161121-4560-3ajztp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=484&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146828/original/image-20161121-4560-3ajztp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=484&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146828/original/image-20161121-4560-3ajztp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=484&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">‘Sorry, I can’t play – I’ve got to research it first.’</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>At the same conference, a male teacher asked me where he could find evidence to reassure his partner that their baby would thrive in daycare. He was worried by the torment his wife was experiencing at the prospect of handing over their baby to a nursery as she prepared to return to work after maternity leave. And given the influence of neuroparenting, his wife’s anxieties are understandable. Because how could group care possibly replicate the intensive, one-to-one mothering she had been offering her baby for the past nine months. </p>
<p>Another new father was disturbed by the lack of support felt by his wife among her friendship group. The constant sharing of the latest “rules” of baby care, which is supposedly based on “research”, did not seem to foster the development of a genuinely understanding and supportive social network. Instead, it ramped up anxiety in a churn of conflicting information and fear of judgement.</p>
<h2>Problem parents?</h2>
<p>These teachers’ responses reveal the central problems in contemporary parenting culture. The demand for parents to do “more” and do it “earlier” undermines parental confidence and new mums and dads often fail to see themselves as “good enough”. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/146829/original/image-20161121-4528-1yph52l.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/146829/original/image-20161121-4528-1yph52l.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146829/original/image-20161121-4528-1yph52l.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146829/original/image-20161121-4528-1yph52l.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146829/original/image-20161121-4528-1yph52l.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146829/original/image-20161121-4528-1yph52l.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/146829/original/image-20161121-4528-1yph52l.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Neuroparenting: the expert invasion of family life.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Pexels</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The neuroparenting desire to recast the family home as the “home learning environment” risks stripping the intimate realm of its special nature by opening it up to instrumental measures of success and failure. And to talk of the “quality” of parental care undermines the complexity and warmth of genuine intimate relationships. </p>
<p>Instead, the child becomes the neurological embodiment of parental “input” rather than a unique individual who requires understanding as a whole – all of which is ultimately damaging to the modern family. After all, plenty of humans have made it to healthy adulthood without robotic, self-scrutinising parental care.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/67333/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>I am a member of the Institute of Ideas Parents Forum.
The research from which my book began was funded by the Faraday Institute's Uses and Abuses of Biology programme. Full details can be found here:
<a href="http://blogs.kent.ac.uk/parentingculturestudies/research-themes/early-intervention/current-projects/">http://blogs.kent.ac.uk/parentingculturestudies/research-themes/early-intervention/current-projects/</a>
</span></em></p>Telling parents how to love their child undermines parental confidence.Jan Macvarish, Researcher and Lecturer, University of KentLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/661982016-10-09T19:02:45Z2016-10-09T19:02:45ZWhy do parents take such different approaches to their kids’ education?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/140681/original/image-20161006-20132-1orr3zz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Some children spend the school holidays studying in tutoring centres.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>While some children spend the school holidays studying in tutoring centres, enrolled in sports camps or other structured activities, others are left to do their own thing.</p>
<p>So why is it that parents take such different approaches to education and how their children spend their time?</p>
<p>Families in New South Wales, <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01596306.2015.1061976">for example</a>, are increasingly paying for supplementary education such as private tutors. Commercial tutoring centres in particular are popular among parents hoping to get their children into the state’s competitive Opportunity Classes – an accelerated learning program in Years 5 and 6 in some primary schools – and selective high schools. </p>
<p>This means that more children are spending time outside of school in formal learning environments, though this is still an <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01596306.2015.1061976">under-researched</a> area. </p>
<h2>Parenting styles</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The <a href="https://theconversation.com/from-tiger-to-free-range-parents-what-research-says-about-pros-and-cons-of-popular-parenting-styles-57986">“helicopter parent”</a> and “<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/good-weekend/testing-times-selective-schools-and-tiger-parents-20150108-12kecw.html">tiger mum</a>” stereotypes conjure images of over-scheduled and closely-monitored children. Such terms are always value-laden and are highly classed, racialised and gendered.</p>
<p>For example, negative media coverage of “tiger parents” has scrutinised the educational achievements of Asian-Australian students and the practices of their parents (usually women). </p>
<p>As <a href="http://www.bloomsbury.com/us/disposed-to-learn-9781441162458/">academics</a> have <a href="https://kclpure.kcl.ac.uk/portal/en/publications/understanding-minority-ethnic-achievement-race-class-gender-and-success(114260ec-e361-4557-8c41-678d1d31f484)/export.html">argued</a>, this feeds into a politics of racial hostility against migrants.</p>
<p>It also approves certain skills and experiences among Anglo-Australian parents, but does not value different <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01596306.2015.1061976">pedagogical practices</a>.</p>
<p>In reality, parents’ different experiences and backgrounds, including a combination of class, ethnicity, gender, history and place, will all play a role in how they approach their children’s education – as well as how they view an appropriate use of time. So will their social and cultural <a href="http://cgj.sagepub.com/content/15/1/5.abstract">construction</a> of childhood. </p>
<p>What we need is a greater understanding of the social, economic and global conditions shaping parents’ different approaches to their kids’ education.</p>
<h2>Education outcomes are less secure</h2>
<p>Over the last four decades we have <a href="https://theconversation.com/with-gonski-gone-we-can-expect-more-demand-for-private-schools-52760">seen decreased funding</a> for public education relative to private schooling; an increased focus on academic results rather than equity and equality; and the rise of “school choice” which benefits families with higher <a href="https://theconversation.com/school-choice-no-great-love-for-the-private-path-but-parents-follow-the-money-40376">levels</a> of education and income. </p>
<p>At the centre of these changes has been a growth of <a href="http://www.whitlam.org/__data/assets/pdf_file/0011/694199/The_experience_of_education_-_Qualitative_Study.pdf">school examinations</a>, <a href="http://www.aph.gov.au/About_Parliament/Parliamentary_Departments/Parliamentary_Library/pubs/rp/rp1314/QG/StudentAchievemen">standardised measurement</a>, and the rise of private <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01596306.2015.1061976">tutoring</a>. </p>
<p>We have also seen a <a href="https://theconversation.com/does-more-money-for-schools-improve-educational-outcomes-57656">dramatic divergence</a> in the funding outcomes between schools. </p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/yes-some-australian-private-schools-are-overfunded-heres-why-66212">Some schools</a> are well equipped and attended by students from predominately affluent backgrounds. <a href="https://theconversation.com/yes-education-funding-has-increased-but-not-everyone-benefits-65340">Others lack the resources</a> needed to support students from disadvantaged backgrounds.</p>
<p>There has been a decline in jobs available for youth and a rise in employment <a href="https://theconversation.com/a-whacking-stick-is-not-enough-to-get-young-people-into-work-38710">insecurity</a>, as well as uncertainty about what the <a href="https://sarweb.org/media/files/sar_press_figuring_the_future.pdf">future</a> of work will look like.</p>
<p>Australia is also host to <a href="http://sarweb.org/index.php?sar_press_the_global_middle_classes">new middle classes</a>, including those from Asian migrant backgrounds, in search of economic and educational mobility.</p>
<p>All of this impacts on the decisions that parents make about their children’s education and time use, and the future they envisage for them.</p>
<h2>Conflicting values</h2>
<p>In our <a href="https://theconversation.com/gentrification-is-dividing-australian-schools-53098">research</a> with inner-Sydney, public primary schools, we found that while some parents are investing in tutoring and preparing for examinations from an early age, others are strongly rejecting this approach.</p>
<p>These parents, whom we call “community-minded”, were typically white and employed in the public sector or creative industries. </p>
<p>We defined them as part of an older middle class who wanted to distinguish themselves from the new middle classes in their approach to schooling. </p>
<p>Community-minded parents rejected what they saw to be “over-schooling” during primary school. They opted not to compete for places in selective schools and classes, or not to prepare for the exams. Instead, they valued an education experience that provided what they called “real world” exposure that nurtured the “whole child”.</p>
<p>This included, among other things, developing students’ social and civic skills, attending a school composed of “cultural diversity”, and “empowering the children to make up their own minds”. </p>
<p>As one parent explained:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I want a school where my child is going to be happy and thrive, not one where they’re going to be in a sort of academic hothouse.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>They also spoke of schools as communities to develop their children’s sense of social responsibility. Another parent we interviewed appreciated her school’s commitment to community justice and to “alerting kids to when something’s not right, and [saying] ‘this is our collective responsibility’.”</p>
<p>These parents did not seek social mobility through schooling in ways often pursued by migrants and others who may not have high levels of social and cultural capital. </p>
<p>Some also expected academic success to come naturally to their children without pursuing these strategies. This meant they had a level of familiarity with, and trust in, the academic system - an idea that is more common among established middle-class families in Australian schooling.</p>
<p>Their comments showed how “intelligence” is a <a href="https://kclpure.kcl.ac.uk/portal/en/publications/understanding-minority-ethnic-achievement-race-class-gender-and-success(114260ec-e361-4557-8c41-678d1d31f484)/export.html.">socially constructed</a> term, as tutoring and “cramming” were criticised for producing educational success in “the <a href="http://www.bloomsbury.com/au/disposed-to-learn-9781441162458/">wrong</a> way”.</p>
<h2>A growing source of tension</h2>
<p>Taking a moral stance against tutoring and examination preparation is not new. Certainly not all our community-minded parents expressed disapproval of the approaches of other middle-class families. </p>
<p>But our research shows that with Australia’s education system becoming ever more competitive, the conflicting values in this area are a growing source of tension within some school communities. This needs to be better understood.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/66198/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rose Butler receives funding from the NSW Department of Family and Community Services.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Christina Ho has received funding from the Australian Research Council.</span></em></p>While some parents are investing in tutoring and preparing for examinations from an early age, others are strongly rejecting this approach. Why is this?Rose Butler, Research Associate, UNSW SydneyChristina Ho, Senior Lecturer & Discipline Coordinator, Social & Political Sciences, University of Technology SydneyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/661342016-10-06T19:09:41Z2016-10-06T19:09:41Z‘It’s all about me, me, me!’ Why children are spending less time doing household chores<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/139712/original/image-20160929-27026-zawx70.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Technological inventions have made life easier around the home and have meant fewer and fewer chores for the kids. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-171110276/stock-photo-little-housekeeping-fairy-girl-tired-of-home-chores-doing-the-dishes.html?src=o494qhCOchWT8i5_6bCbmA-1-15">www.shutterstock.com</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>In August, Treasurer Scott Morrison warned that “<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-08-25/scott-morrison-bloomberg-address-gen-y-reliant-on-welfare/7783788">Australia has a generation growing up expecting government handouts</a>”.</p>
<p>Researchers have labelled this the “Me Generation”. Some even say we are facing a “<a href="https://penguin.com.au/books/the-me-me-me-epidemic-a-step-by-step-guide-to-raising-capable-grateful-kids-in-an-over-entitled-world-9780399169977">me, me, me epidemic</a>”. </p>
<p>So why have today’s young people become more narcissistic? According to <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201006/is-the-me-generation-less-empathetic">research</a>, the decrease in young people’s levels of empathy is partly the result of changes in parenting styles that came about in the 1980s. </p>
<p>In the past, parents had children as a means to gain practical and even financial support for family survival and to help it thrive. But now, children are perceived as an <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/14iueCKNFl2dUREuemmp3XNHJLMxf-GrPj5Sn0wMqxQc/edit#heading=h.z337ya">emotional asset</a> whose primary purpose is <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/14iueCKNFl2dUREuemmp3XNHJLMxf-GrPj5Sn0wMqxQc/edit#heading=h.35nkun2">being loved</a>. Parents now tend to place greater emphasis on cultivating the happiness and success of their offspring.</p>
<h2>What led to this change in parenting style?</h2>
<p>From the 1980s onwards, children have spent <a href="https://www.novapublishers.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=58449&osCsid=70076b8897164e7e521006af64e90398">fewer hours doing chores</a> around the house as living conditions and technology – including the invention of washing machines and dishwashers – have improved.</p>
<p>Nowadays children are no longer perceived as <a href="https://www.novapublishers.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=58449&osCsid=70076b8897164e7e521006af64e90398">contributors</a> whose work is essential for the survival of the family and its ability to thrive. </p>
<p>Parental focus has shifted from the development of family responsibility to the development of children’s happiness and success. </p>
<p>As a result, children’s sense of entitlement has <a href="http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB118480432643571003">been inflated</a>, but the <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004430.2015.1043911">cultivation of responsibility</a> has fallen by the wayside. So chores are not valued as much as they used to be.</p>
<p>This is particularly the case for young people in China, often labelled <a href="http://www.hrpub.org/download/20160630/UJER4-19506169.pdf">“little emperors” and “little princesses”</a>, who were born under the one-child policy between 1979 and 2015. </p>
<p>These children’s parents, most of whom had gone through hardship in
China’s Great Famine and the Cultural Revolution, vowed not to allow what they had suffered to happen to their only child. They became overwhelmingly dedicated to their child, which resulted in many children shouldering <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00094056.2015.1047310">no family responsibilities</a>, including chores.</p>
<p>It is also the case for children in the West. Research has found that <a href="http://www.wsj.com/articles/why-children-need-chores-1426262655">less than 30% of American parents</a> ask their children to do chores.</p>
<p>As academic Richard Rende said in his book <a href="http://www.mydomainehome.com.au/benefits-of-kids-chores">Raising Can-Do Kids</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“Parents today want their kids spending time on things that can bring them success, but ironically, we’ve stopped doing one thing that’s actually been a proven predictor of success — and that’s household chores.”</p>
</blockquote>
<h2>How responsibility can develop a family bond</h2>
<p>Traditionally, chores were a family obligation. They were hard and tedious.</p>
<p>But <a href="https://www.novapublishers.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=58449&osCsid=70076b8897164e7e521006af64e90398">research suggests</a> engaging in routine chores helps children to develop a sense of social justice, because everyone has to do them, which inculcates the idea of fairness. Chores can also provide a vehicle for children to cultivate a family bond and a sense of responsibility. </p>
<p><a href="http://sgo.sagepub.com/content/4/4/2158244014559017">The development of social justice</a> in children means that children view their relationship with their parents as a two-way thing, rather than it being one-sided. </p>
<p>A family bond has two interacted dimensions: that parents love their children and that children are grateful for the sacrifices their parents made. </p>
<p>For the latter, only through moral reasoning and, more importantly, discipline (chores) can parental love be translated into practice and mutual love between parents and children and a family bond be developed.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/66134/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Shi Li does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Decreasing levels of empathy in young people are partly due to changes in parenting styles that came about in the 1980s.Shi Li, Lecturer in Chinese language and culture, University of New EnglandLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/600652016-05-26T07:26:26Z2016-05-26T07:26:26ZFrom tiger to free-range parents – what research says about pros and cons of popular parenting styles<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/124108/original/image-20160526-16691-qakzb6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">What kind of parent are you?</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Designed by Wes Mountain</span></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>Our politicians talk a lot about “families”, but what do they really mean when they use this term? What does a modern family look like and how does it compare with ten, 20 or even 30 years ago?</em></p>
<p><em>In this <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/changing-families">ten-part series</a>, we examine some major changes in family and relationships, and how that might in turn reshape law, policy and our idea of ourselves.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>What’s the best way to raise your child? It’s a question that has provoked the publication of numerous books, and seen authors race to coin the next quirky name for a new style of parenting. </p>
<p>And it turns out there are many styles. To date, some of the best known include: </p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Tiger parents</strong>, who are seen as pushing their children to succeed according to their parents’ terms.</li>
<li><strong>Helicopter parents</strong>, who take over every aspect of the child’s life.</li>
<li><strong>Snowplough parents</strong>, who remove obstacles to make life easier for their child.</li>
<li><strong>Free-range parents</strong>, who allow children a great deal of freedom.</li>
<li><strong>Attachment or gentle parents</strong>, who are relaxed but set limits in line with the child’s needs and character.</li>
</ul>
<p>Psychologists generally talk about <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/1ab065f19552b3ec2e969b6f7044ce32/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=1819054">parenting as fitting into typologies</a>, based on the work of <a href="http://jea.sagepub.com/content/11/1/56.short">Diana Baumrind</a>, a clinical and developmental psychologist known for her research on parenting styles. </p>
<p>There are generally understood to be four typologies:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Authoritarian parents</strong> are the authority in their child’s life. They set the rules and say “jump” and their child responds “how high?”. (Most similar to tiger parents.)</li>
<li><strong>Permissive parents</strong> are lax about their expectations, don’t set standards and don’t ask much of their children.</li>
<li><strong>Neglectful parents</strong> are uninterested in their children and unwilling to be an active part of their child’s life. </li>
<li><strong>Authoritative parents</strong> are <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/1ab065f19552b3ec2e969b6f7044ce32/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=1819054">highly demanding</a> while being highly responsive.</li>
</ul>
<p>One of the major criticisms of these typologies is how <a href="https://www.psy.cuhk.edu.hk/psy_media/Bond_files/a%20critical%20look%20at%20parenting%20research%20from%20the%20mainstream%202002.pdf">culturally determined</a> they are.</p>
<p>So what does research say about the pros and cons of each of these parenting styles?</p>
<h2>Tiger parents</h2>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You expect first-time obedience, excellence in every endeavour and a child who never talks back.</p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> Amy Chua popularised this name in her 2011 book <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9160695-battle-hymn-of-the-tiger-mother">Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother</a>. Chua describes tiger parents, often seen in Chinese families, as <a href="http://amychua.com">superior</a> to Western parents. Chinese parents assume strength and don’t shy away from calling their children <a href="http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754">names</a>. They assume their children owe them and expect their children to repay them by being obedient and making them proud.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Tiger mothers are, as Chua attests, socialised to be this way by their cultural background. Thus, when they successfully demand an hour of piano practice it’s <a href="http://web.a.ebscohost.com.ezp01.library.qut.edu.au/ehost/detail/detail?sid=5da7c37f-5e78-4a08-893b-a30b883e9a77%40sessionmgr4002&vid=0&hid=4109&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZSZzY29wZT1zaXRl#AN=2012-31072-001&db=pdh">part of their cultural background</a> that the child complies. <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-8624.00381/abstract">Western parents</a> will have a hard time emulating the years of acculturation that leads to that moment. </p>
<p>Parents who follow Chua may do so because they want their child to be <a href="http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/11/chinese-vs-western-mothers-q-a-with-amy-chua/">successful</a>. It may be these parents hold deep <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/07/truth-about-tiger-mothers-family-amy-chua">insecurities</a> about the future. These parents are most likely <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/aap/4/1/7/">authoritarian</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> Raising a child in this way can <a href="http://www.radicalparenting.com/2011/06/15/the-benefits-of-being-a-%22tiger-mom%22/">lead to them being</a> more productive, motivated and responsible.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> Children can <a href="http://news.berkeley.edu/2013/06/18/chinese-parenting/">struggle to function</a> in daily life or in new settings, which may lead to depression, anxiety and poor social skills. But again <a href="http://psp.sagepub.com/content/40/6/739.short">it’s culturally dependent</a>.</p>
<h2>Helicopter parents</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You step in to prevent your toddler’s every struggle; you are over-involved in your child’s education and frequently call their teacher; you can’t stop watching over your teenager.</p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> Psychologist Foster Cline and education consultant Jim Fay coined the phrase in 1990 in their book: <a href="https://www.loveandlogic.com/parenting-with-love-and-logic">Parenting with Love and Logic</a>. They described helicopter parents as being confused about the difference between love and saving children from themselves. Another name for helicopter parenting is <a href="http://search.proquest.com/docview/1355699172?pq-origsite=gscholar">“overparenting”</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> These parents are likely to be <a href="http://www.chicagomag.com/city-life/October-2014/Why-Are-Helicopter-Parents-So-Intense-Maybe-Theyre-Scared/">scared for their child’s future</a>, perhaps like tiger parents. They may not <a href="http://search.proquest.com.ezp01.library.qut.edu.au/docview/194227075?pq-origsite=360link">trust</a> their child’s ability to navigate the world. By hovering around they may think children will be inoculated against failing. </p>
<p>These parents are probably a mix or authoritarian and permissive typologies, but there is <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/373bcbf68cbb385e1a6e51388c7b8470/1?pq-origsite=gscholar">scant research</a> on the style.</p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> Parents can be <a href="https://www.ebscohost.com/uploads/imported/thisTopic-dbTopic-1412.pdf">overprotective</a>, which may save their child or adolescent from problems they would not foresee.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> Children can <a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/overly-controlling-parents-cause-their-children-lifelong-psychological-damage-says-study-10485172.html">lack emotional resilience</a> and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nation-wimps/201401/helicopter-parenting-its-worse-you-think">independence</a>, which can affect them into adulthood. Being a child of a helicopter parent may lead to an inability to <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-013-9716-3">control behaviour</a>. </p>
<p>There’s even an <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3pkgdh/children_of_helicopter_parents_what_was_the_worst/">AskReddit</a> devoted to the worst aspects of growing up with helicopter parents. Stories include a contributor, 21 at the time, whose father followed them to jury duty, because he didn’t trust they could do it properly. It’s claimed dad had a tantrum when he was kicked out by the security guard.</p>
<h2>Snowplough or bulldozer parents</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You push all obstacles out of your child’s way. <a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/being_a_mom/151554/7_signs_you_might_be">Perhaps you’ve</a> nagged the principal for a different teacher or bribed the coach to get your child a place on the team. </p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> It appears the term was coined by former high school teacher <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/05/advice-to-the-graduates-you-are-not-special/361463/">David McCullough</a>. In 2015, he published a book, <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18144586-you-are-not-special-and-other-encouragements">You Are Not Special</a>, in which he implores parents to back off and let their children fail. It was based on a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lfxYhtf8o4">2012 commencement speech</a> he gave to high school students.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Maybe you think your child is exceptional, or they’re <a href="http://www.essentialkids.com.au/development-advice/advice/snowplough-parenting-and-other-unhelpful-parenting-labels-20140828-3ehms">too great to fail</a>, and that’s why you’ve identified with this parenting style. In terms of typology, there are aspects of <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00689.x/full">authoritarianism</a> in the mix as they demand success (after all, they’ve bulldozed all obstacles from their children’s path). However, they also score highly for permissiveness.</p>
<p><strong>What the research says:</strong> There’s <a href="https://theconversation.com/helicopter-snowplow-or-free-range-whats-your-parenting-style-15123">no empirical evidence</a> either way for the snowplough approach. However, there’s a <a href="https://www.google.com.au/search?client=opera&q=example+of+snowplow+parent&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8#q=who+defined+snowplough+parent">lot of blog posts and media articles</a> devoted to the topic. </p>
<p>That being said, the pros and cons are probably similar to helicopter parents. These parents can help children feel safe and secure. But it may also foster a sense of <a href="http://search.proquest.com/docview/1355699172?pq-origsite=gscholar">entitlement or narcissism in your child</a>. </p>
<h2>Free-range parents</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123864/original/image-20160525-25239-zcummd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123864/original/image-20160525-25239-zcummd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=495&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123864/original/image-20160525-25239-zcummd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=495&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123864/original/image-20160525-25239-zcummd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=495&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123864/original/image-20160525-25239-zcummd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=622&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123864/original/image-20160525-25239-zcummd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=622&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123864/original/image-20160525-25239-zcummd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=622&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You believe your <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com">role</a> is to trust your child. You equip them with the skills to stay safe, and then back off. </p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> The term was made famous by a case of “neglect” against <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/02/23/mother-may">Lenore Skenazy</a>, a former columnist who wrote about letting her nine-year-old son ride the New York subway alone. The experience led to her being labelled <a href="http://www.nysun.com/opinion/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone/73976/">“America’s worst mother”</a> and prompted her to write a book. The book was about fighting the perception the world was getting more dangerous. </p>
<p>Skemazy’s blog attempts to connect parents with like-minded others who agree that children need safety jackets and helmets in order to safely experience their independence. The approach is about giving children the childhoods their parents experienced in the 1970s/1980s.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Psychologists and experts suggest this style is a backlash against <a href="http://epubs.utah.edu/index.php/ulr/article/viewFile/816/621">anxiety-driven</a>, <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13698571003789732">risk-averse</a> child rearing. It may be that Skenazy is right, we are worrying too much about everything from <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com/category/germs-2/">germs</a> to <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com/category/worst-first-thinking-2/">other people</a>. While Skenazy cites responses from parents (and lawmakers) who think the <a href="http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/19/advice-from-americas-worst-mom/?_r=0">approach is neglectful</a>, it is probably more <a href="http://www.expoo.be/sites/default/files/atoms/files/iffdpapers41en_pdf0.pdf">aligned with the authoritative typology</a>, where parents believe in teaching children to look after themselves. </p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> Children learn to use their freedom, be autonomous and manage themselves.
They may also be better able to handle mistakes, be more <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13698571003789716">resilient</a> and take responsibility for their actions. It’s also said to lead to <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-04-07/sharman-free-range-kids-could-become-healthier,-happier-adults/7306740">happier adults</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> Problems with this style centre on the <a href="http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2257332">legal aspects</a> of the approach. In Queensland, it is <a href="https://www.legislation.qld.gov.au/legisltn/current/c/crimincode.pdf">illegal to leave your child alone for an “unreasonable” time</a> while, in other states, parents must reasonably ensure their child is properly looked after. Queensland’s law does not define “unreasonable” time, but the parent will receive a misdemeanour (up to three years in jail) if they breach the code.</p>
<h2>Attachment or gentle parents</h2>
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You believe that a child’s earliest attachment to caregivers <a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">informs</a> all subsequent attachments a person experiences. The argument suggests strong emotional and safe physical attachments to at least one primary caregiver are essential to the child’s personal development.</p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> The philosophy is based on the work of psychologists <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/amp/46/4/333/">John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth</a> on <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=yA9nX8W2ddIC&oi=fnd&pg=PP2&dq=bowlby+and+ainsworth+attachment+theory&ots=1irApYcB4q&sig=z51C0qHbXu18nxt2C4i3cdB60gU#v=onepage&q=bowlby%20and%20ainsworth%20attachment%20theory&f=false">attachment theory</a>. The work began with <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/dev/28/5/759/">Bowlby in the 1950s</a>. Bowlby also worked with Ainsworth and Ainsworth did some <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/1127388?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">famous experiments</a> with young children. </p>
<p><a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html">Attachment theory</a> suggests that children who develop strong bonds with parents/caregivers in the early years will have happier, healthier relationships as they age. The term was then popularised by a book dubbed the <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/204286.The_Baby_Book">“baby bible”</a> written by the Sears family in 1993. </p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Parents may choose this style because they want their children to be <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886907004254">positive</a> about themselves and their relationships with others as they mature. Attachment parenting is associated with <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/1126611?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">the authoritative typology</a>. These parents try to balance high expectations with <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327922PAR0201_1">empathy</a> and this is associated with the <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/353561?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">best outcomes</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> It provides a <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201307/the-4-principles-attachment-parenting-and-why-they-work">safe haven of love</a> and respect in which to build the <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=PqsJZpPb1fMC&oi=fnd&pg=PT4&dq=attachment+parenting+bad&ots=pEzC3z5KBz&sig=hSZIdNZAi_vjn1EfGJBS3xMOjuE#v=onepage&q&f=false">child’s relationships</a> and from which the child can <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/bdb/16/1/1/">safely experience the world</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> It can be conflated with <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/68260a38af24aa00b1449eba446bf570/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=2029838">permisive parenting</a>. It is also associated, somewhat contrarily, with over-parenting, as some suggest it is a name for mothers who can’t let their child go. Some have accused this style of being <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=cVRFAAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PP5&dq=attachment+parenting+bad&ots=tK1Q1dxVlo&sig=Kronrg4LchagzUSDYn11sXFJdhg#v=onepage&q=attachment%20parenting%20bad&f=false">anti-women</a> or <a href="http://jarm.journals.yorku.ca/index.php/jarm/article/download/22506/20986">anti-feminist</a>. These authors say the style <a href="http://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9781137454928_10">conflates women’s role with motherhood</a>, undoing the work of feminism. However, <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1041794X.2015.1076026#.VzumspOKTdQ">others disagree</a>.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/60065/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rebecca English does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Is being a pushy parent good? It is helpful to protect your child in ways that mean they don’t fail? Here’s what the research says.Rebecca English, Lecturer in Education, Queensland University of TechnologyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/579862016-05-25T20:11:01Z2016-05-25T20:11:01ZFrom tiger to free-range parents – what research says about pros and cons of popular parenting styles<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123878/original/image-20160525-25209-bfjk6g.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">What type of parent are you?</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Designed by Wes Mountain</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>Our politicians talk a lot about “families”, but what do they really mean when they use this term? What does a modern Australian family look like and how does it compare with ten, 20 or even 30 years ago?</em></p>
<p><em>In this <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/changing-families">ten-part series</a>, we examine some major changes in family and relationships, and how that might in turn reshape law, policy and our idea of ourselves.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>What’s the best way to raise your child? It’s a question that has provoked the publication of numerous books, and seen authors race to coin the next quirky name for a new style of parenting. </p>
<p>And it turns out there are many styles. To date, some of the best known include: </p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Tiger parents</strong>, who are seen as pushing their children to succeed according to their parents’ terms.</li>
<li><strong>Helicopter parents</strong>, who take over every aspect of the child’s life.</li>
<li><strong>Snowplough parents</strong>, who remove obstacles to make life easier for their child.</li>
<li><strong>Free-range parents</strong>, who allow children a great deal of freedom.</li>
<li><strong>Attachment or gentle parents</strong>, who are relaxed but set limits in line with the child’s needs and character.</li>
</ul>
<p>Psychologists generally talk about <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/1ab065f19552b3ec2e969b6f7044ce32/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=1819054">parenting as fitting into typologies</a>, based on the work of <a href="http://jea.sagepub.com/content/11/1/56.short">Diana Baumrind</a>, a clinical and developmental psychologist known for her research on parenting styles. </p>
<p>There are generally understood to be four typologies:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Authoritarian parents</strong> are the authority in their child’s life. They set the rules and say “jump” and their child responds “how high?”. (Most similar to tiger parents.)</li>
<li><strong>Permissive parents</strong> are lax about their expectations, don’t set standards and don’t ask much of their children.</li>
<li><strong>Neglectful parents</strong> are uninterested in their children and unwilling to be an active part of their child’s life. </li>
<li><strong>Authoritative parents</strong> are <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/1ab065f19552b3ec2e969b6f7044ce32/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=1819054">highly demanding</a> while being highly responsive.</li>
</ul>
<p>One of the major criticisms of these typologies is how <a href="https://www.psy.cuhk.edu.hk/psy_media/Bond_files/a%20critical%20look%20at%20parenting%20research%20from%20the%20mainstream%202002.pdf">culturally determined</a> they are.</p>
<p>So what does research say about the pros and cons of each of these parenting styles?</p>
<h2>Tiger parents</h2>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123738/original/image-20160524-11025-gx3lpf.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You expect first-time obedience, excellence in every endeavour and a child who never talks back.</p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> Amy Chua popularised this name in her 2011 book <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9160695-battle-hymn-of-the-tiger-mother">Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother</a>. Chua describes tiger parents, often seen in Chinese families, as <a href="http://amychua.com">superior</a> to Western parents. Chinese parents assume strength and don’t shy away from calling their children <a href="http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754">names</a>. They assume their children owe them and expect their children to repay them by being obedient and making them proud.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Tiger mothers are, as Chua attests, socialised to be this way by their cultural background. Thus, when they successfully demand an hour of piano practice it’s <a href="http://web.a.ebscohost.com.ezp01.library.qut.edu.au/ehost/detail/detail?sid=5da7c37f-5e78-4a08-893b-a30b883e9a77%40sessionmgr4002&vid=0&hid=4109&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZSZzY29wZT1zaXRl#AN=2012-31072-001&db=pdh">part of their cultural background</a> that the child complies. <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-8624.00381/abstract">Western parents</a> will have a hard time emulating the years of acculturation that leads to that moment. </p>
<p>Parents who follow Chua may do so because they want their child to be <a href="http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/11/chinese-vs-western-mothers-q-a-with-amy-chua/">successful</a>. It may be these parents hold deep <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/07/truth-about-tiger-mothers-family-amy-chua">insecurities</a> about the future. These parents are most likely <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/aap/4/1/7/">authoritarian</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> Raising a child in this way can <a href="http://www.radicalparenting.com/2011/06/15/the-benefits-of-being-a-%22tiger-mom%22/">lead to them being</a> more productive, motivated and responsible.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> Children can <a href="http://news.berkeley.edu/2013/06/18/chinese-parenting/">struggle to function</a> in daily life or in new settings, which may lead to depression, anxiety and poor social skills. But again <a href="http://psp.sagepub.com/content/40/6/739.short">it’s culturally dependent</a>.</p>
<h2>Helicopter parents</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123747/original/image-20160524-12397-sw5vtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You step in to prevent your toddler’s every struggle; you are over-involved in your child’s education and frequently call their teacher; you can’t stop watching over your teenager.</p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> Psychologist Foster Cline and education consultant Jim Fay coined the phrase in 1990 in their book: <a href="https://www.loveandlogic.com/parenting-with-love-and-logic">Parenting with Love and Logic</a>. They described helicopter parents as being confused about the difference between love and saving children from themselves. Another name for helicopter parenting is <a href="http://search.proquest.com/docview/1355699172?pq-origsite=gscholar">“overparenting”</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> These parents are likely to be <a href="http://www.chicagomag.com/city-life/October-2014/Why-Are-Helicopter-Parents-So-Intense-Maybe-Theyre-Scared/">scared for their child’s future</a>, perhaps like tiger parents. They may not <a href="http://search.proquest.com.ezp01.library.qut.edu.au/docview/194227075?pq-origsite=360link">trust</a> their child’s ability to navigate the world. By hovering around they may think children will be inoculated against failing. </p>
<p>These parents are probably a mix or authoritarian and permissive typologies, but there is <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/373bcbf68cbb385e1a6e51388c7b8470/1?pq-origsite=gscholar">scant research</a> on the style.</p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> Parents can be <a href="https://www.ebscohost.com/uploads/imported/thisTopic-dbTopic-1412.pdf">overprotective</a>, which may save their child or adolescent from problems they would not foresee.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> Children can <a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/overly-controlling-parents-cause-their-children-lifelong-psychological-damage-says-study-10485172.html">lack emotional resilience</a> and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nation-wimps/201401/helicopter-parenting-its-worse-you-think">independence</a>, which can affect them into adulthood. Being a child of a helicopter parent may lead to an inability to <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-013-9716-3">control behaviour</a>. </p>
<p>There’s even an <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3pkgdh/children_of_helicopter_parents_what_was_the_worst/">AskReddit</a> devoted to the worst aspects of growing up with helicopter parents. Stories include a contributor, 21 at the time, whose father followed them to jury duty, because he didn’t trust they could do it properly. It’s claimed dad had a tantrum when he was kicked out by the security guard.</p>
<h2>Snowplough or bulldozer parents</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/123856/original/image-20160524-25236-lhfvx5.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You push all obstacles out of your child’s way. <a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/being_a_mom/151554/7_signs_you_might_be">Perhaps you’ve</a> nagged the principal for a different teacher or bribed the coach to get your child a place on the team. </p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> It appears the term was coined by former high school teacher <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/05/advice-to-the-graduates-you-are-not-special/361463/">David McCullough</a>. In 2015, he published a book, <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18144586-you-are-not-special-and-other-encouragements">You Are Not Special</a>, in which he implores parents to back off and let their children fail. It was based on a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lfxYhtf8o4">2012 commencement speech</a> he gave to high school students.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Maybe you think your child is exceptional, or they’re <a href="http://www.essentialkids.com.au/development-advice/advice/snowplough-parenting-and-other-unhelpful-parenting-labels-20140828-3ehms">too great to fail</a>, and that’s why you’ve identified with this parenting style. In terms of typology, there are aspects of <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00689.x/full">authoritarianism</a> in the mix as they demand success (after all, they’ve bulldozed all obstacles from their children’s path). However, they also score highly for permissiveness.</p>
<p><strong>What the research says:</strong> There’s <a href="https://theconversation.com/helicopter-snowplow-or-free-range-whats-your-parenting-style-15123">no empirical evidence</a> either way for the snowplough approach. However, there’s a <a href="https://www.google.com.au/search?client=opera&q=example+of+snowplow+parent&sourceid=opera&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8#q=who+defined+snowplough+parent">lot of blog posts and media articles</a> devoted to the topic. </p>
<p>That being said, the pros and cons are probably similar to helicopter parents. These parents can help children feel safe and secure. But it may also foster a sense of <a href="http://search.proquest.com/docview/1355699172?pq-origsite=gscholar">entitlement or narcissism in your child</a>. </p>
<h2>Free-range parents</h2>
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You believe your <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com">role</a> is to trust your child. You equip them with the skills to stay safe, and then back off. </p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> The term was made famous by a case of “neglect” against <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/02/23/mother-may">Lenore Skenazy</a>, a former columnist who wrote about letting her nine-year-old son ride the New York subway alone. The experience led to her being labelled <a href="http://www.nysun.com/opinion/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone/73976/">“America’s worst mother”</a> and prompted her to write a book. The book was about fighting the perception the world was getting more dangerous. </p>
<p>Skemazy’s blog attempts to connect parents with like-minded others who agree that children need safety jackets and helmets in order to safely experience their independence. The approach is about giving children the childhoods their parents experienced in the 1970s/1980s.</p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Psychologists and experts suggest this style is a backlash against <a href="http://epubs.utah.edu/index.php/ulr/article/viewFile/816/621">anxiety-driven</a>, <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13698571003789732">risk-averse</a> child rearing. It may be that Skenazy is right, we are worrying too much about everything from <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com/category/germs-2/">germs</a> to <a href="http://www.freerangekids.com/category/worst-first-thinking-2/">other people</a>. While Skenazy cites responses from parents (and lawmakers) who think the <a href="http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/19/advice-from-americas-worst-mom/?_r=0">approach is neglectful</a>, it is probably more <a href="http://www.expoo.be/sites/default/files/atoms/files/iffdpapers41en_pdf0.pdf">aligned with the authoritative typology</a>, where parents believe in teaching children to look after themselves. </p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> Children learn to use their freedom, be autonomous and manage themselves.
They may also be better able to handle mistakes, be more <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13698571003789716">resilient</a> and take responsibility for their actions. It’s also said to lead to <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-04-07/sharman-free-range-kids-could-become-healthier,-happier-adults/7306740">happier adults</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> Problems with this style centre on the <a href="http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2257332">legal aspects</a> of the approach. In Queensland, it is <a href="https://www.legislation.qld.gov.au/legisltn/current/c/crimincode.pdf">illegal to leave your child alone for an “unreasonable” time</a> while, in other states, parents must reasonably ensure their child is properly looked after. Queensland’s law does not define “unreasonable” time, but the parent will receive a misdemeanour (up to three years in jail) if they breach the code.</p>
<h2>Attachment or gentle parents</h2>
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<p><strong>Type of parent:</strong> You believe that a child’s earliest attachment to caregivers <a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">informs</a> all subsequent attachments a person experiences. The argument suggests strong emotional and safe physical attachments to at least one primary caregiver are essential to the child’s personal development.</p>
<p><strong>Who coined it?</strong> The philosophy is based on the work of psychologists <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/amp/46/4/333/">John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth</a> on <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=yA9nX8W2ddIC&oi=fnd&pg=PP2&dq=bowlby+and+ainsworth+attachment+theory&ots=1irApYcB4q&sig=z51C0qHbXu18nxt2C4i3cdB60gU#v=onepage&q=bowlby%20and%20ainsworth%20attachment%20theory&f=false">attachment theory</a>. The work began with <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/dev/28/5/759/">Bowlby in the 1950s</a>. Bowlby also worked with Ainsworth and Ainsworth did some <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/1127388?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">famous experiments</a> with young children. </p>
<p><a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html">Attachment theory</a> suggests that children who develop strong bonds with parents/caregivers in the early years will have happier, healthier relationships as they age. The term was then popularised by a book dubbed the <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/204286.The_Baby_Book">“baby bible”</a> written by the Sears family in 1993. </p>
<p><strong>Why parents choose this style:</strong> Parents may choose this style because they want their children to be <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886907004254">positive</a> about themselves and their relationships with others as they mature. Attachment parenting is associated with <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/1126611?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">the authoritative typology</a>. These parents try to balance high expectations with <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327922PAR0201_1">empathy</a> and this is associated with the <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/353561?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">best outcomes</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong> It provides a <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201307/the-4-principles-attachment-parenting-and-why-they-work">safe haven of love</a> and respect in which to build the <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=PqsJZpPb1fMC&oi=fnd&pg=PT4&dq=attachment+parenting+bad&ots=pEzC3z5KBz&sig=hSZIdNZAi_vjn1EfGJBS3xMOjuE#v=onepage&q&f=false">child’s relationships</a> and from which the child can <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/bdb/16/1/1/">safely experience the world</a>.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong> It can be conflated with <a href="http://search.proquest.com/openview/68260a38af24aa00b1449eba446bf570/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=2029838">permisive parenting</a>. It is also associated, somewhat contrarily, with over-parenting, as some suggest it is a name for mothers who can’t let their child go. Some have accused this style of being <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=cVRFAAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PP5&dq=attachment+parenting+bad&ots=tK1Q1dxVlo&sig=Kronrg4LchagzUSDYn11sXFJdhg#v=onepage&q=attachment%20parenting%20bad&f=false">anti-women</a> or <a href="http://jarm.journals.yorku.ca/index.php/jarm/article/download/22506/20986">anti-feminist</a>. These authors say the style <a href="http://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9781137454928_10">conflates women’s role with motherhood</a>, undoing the work of feminism. However, <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1041794X.2015.1076026#.VzumspOKTdQ">others disagree</a>.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/57986/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rebecca English does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Is being a pushy parent good? It is helpful to protect your child in ways that mean they don’t fail? Here’s what the research says.Rebecca English, Lecturer in Education, Queensland University of TechnologyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.