tag:theconversation.com,2011:/id/topics/sex-114/articlesSex – The Conversation2024-02-13T19:31:34Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2220542024-02-13T19:31:34Z2024-02-13T19:31:34ZShowing love on Valentine’s Day by embracing disability<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574603/original/file-20240209-16-r7k1o3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=110%2C0%2C7238%2C4912&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Stereotypes often mean people with disabilities are told to wait and delay their engagement in any romantic or sexual experiences.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Valentine’s Day is a time when love and intimacy are celebrated with fervor. Yet, the challenges some face in this regard are not often recognized. In particular, people with disabilities face discrimination and obstacles when seeking love, affection and sexual fulfillment.</p>
<p>People with disabilities often contend with persistent stereotypes when it comes to their love lives. A lack of comprehensive and accessible sex education also leaves people with disabilities ill-equipped to navigate the complexities of relationships and intimacy.</p>
<p>At the University of Calgary’s <a href="https://www.disabilitysexualitylab.com/">Disability and Sexuality Lab</a>, we are working to address these challenges. Our team has undertaken a comprehensive series of interviews with individuals living with disabilities, delving into their personal journeys with love, romance and sexuality. </p>
<p>These conversations reveal the complex realities they face in their quest for intimate connections and underscore the urgent need for greater awareness, and inclusivity within the intersection of disability and sexuality.</p>
<h2>Stereotypes about disability and sexuality</h2>
<p>Individuals with disabilities frequently confront a <a href="https://theconversation.com/people-with-disability-face-barriers-to-sexual-and-reproductive-health-care-new-recommendations-are-only-the-start-206746">multitude of stereotypes</a> that limit their opportunities to form intimate relationships and have sex. These perceptions can deeply affect their experiences and how society treats the topic of disability and sexuality.</p>
<p>Initially, there’s a <a href="https://doi.org/10.3109/09638280903419277">pervasive stereotype</a> that portrays disabled people as lacking sexual desires or being incapable of making good decisions regarding their intimate lives. This view unfairly categorizes people with disability as a “danger” to the community, fostering unnecessary fear and discrimination. Such a narrative not only marginalizes their experiences but also unjustly strips them of their rights to make personal decisions about their bodies and relationships.</p>
<p>Simultaneously, they are subjected to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460716688680">infantilization and de-sexualization</a>. This process where their capacity for adult relationships and sexuality is either ignored or denied, undermines their autonomy and contributes to a broader societal narrative. It fails to recognize disabled people as fully rounded individuals with the same spectrum of desires and needs for intimacy as anyone else.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A man and woman communicate using sign language." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575093/original/file-20240212-22-lcuw8a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Stereotypes and perceptions can deeply affect how broader society views disability and sexuality.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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<h2>Being told to wait</h2>
<p>Infantilization often means people with disabilities are told to wait and delay their engagement in any romantic or sexual experiences.</p>
<p><a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781003163329-57/intersection-sexuality-intellectual-disabilities-alan-santinele-martino">Our comprehensive interviews with 46 adults who have intellectual disabilities</a> in Ontario highlighted how participants were often advised that they should defer sexual activity until their late 30s, 40s, and in some cases, even their 50s. </p>
<p>This guidance, ostensibly for their protection, underscores a broader societal issue where people with disabilities are not afforded the same autonomy to explore their sexuality compared to those without disabilities.</p>
<p>For instance, Randy, a 39-year-old man with a mental disability, told us he was advised not to pursue intimate relationships. “My mother told me I am not ready,” he said. Often, people with disabilities, especially those with intellectual disabilities, are told to wait.</p>
<p>This represents further the perceived notion that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/10714413.2012.687241">people with disabilities are not knowledgeable</a> about their own sexuality and intimate lives. For instance <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-023-10185-w">Priscilla, a 43-year-old bisexual woman, said:</a> </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“When you have a developmental disability, people think that you don’t know what you’re talking about. Or when you say I’m bisexual or gay, whatever, they think that you don’t actually know what it means.”</p>
</blockquote>
<h2>Sex education inaccessible and inadequate</h2>
<p>In ensuring individuals are informed about their options in terms of sex, sexuality and gender, sex education is often where these conversations begin. Unfortunately sex education is often delivered in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02755-8">inaccessible and ineffective ways</a> to people with disabilities, particularly those who are 2SLGBTQ+. This is what we found in our other research project about the intimate lives of 31 2SLGBTQ+ individuals with intellectual and/or developmental disabilities in Alberta, Canada. </p>
<p>Sex education is often delivered in ways that focus on heterosexual and cisgender experiences. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02755-8">Aubrey, a 30-year-old queer trans man said</a>: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“You know, for myself as a gender diverse person, I really would have benefited from that [sex education], because I hadn’t even known about that possibility until much later in my life.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Partly due to this lack of education, studies have shown that people with disabilities experience greater vulnerability. The <a href="https://www.npr.org/2018/01/08/570224090/the-sexual-assault-epidemic-no-one-talks-about">rates of sexual abuse</a> are higher among disabled people compared to non-disabled people. </p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A woman sits on the lap of another woman in a wheelchair. They look at each other lovingly." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/575087/original/file-20240212-30-lntkxr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Disabled 2SLGBTQ+ people often face overlapping forms of discrimination.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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</figure>
<h2>2SLGBTQ+ disabled people being left behind</h2>
<p>Individuals with disabilities who are also 2SLGBTQ+ often find themselves facing multiple forms of discrimination, including ableism, homophobia and transphobia. </p>
<p>Yet, our interviews with 2SLGBTQ+ adults with developmental and/or intellectual disabilities reveal not just the barriers these individuals face but also their profound resilience and desire for love. For instance <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2023.2276320">Tracey, a 19-year-old gender fluid person, said</a>: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“I just wish there were more like spaces where disabled people could also enter because you know, when you also think of like, people who are physically disabled, they can’t go out clubbing. They physically can’t, then so it’s like, there’s not many activities, there’s not many ways for us to engage in our own community.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Our research shows significant gaps in information and conversations about disability and romance, emphasizing the necessity for accessible education, resources and spaces. Recent 2SLGBTQ+ rights challenges, like <a href="https://theconversation.com/albertas-new-policies-are-not-only-anti-trans-they-are-anti-evidence-222579">Alberta’s parental rights policies</a>, underscore the urgency of challenging new transphobic policies. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/albertas-new-policies-are-not-only-anti-trans-they-are-anti-evidence-222579">Alberta's new policies are not only anti-trans, they are anti-evidence</a>
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<h2>Disabled activists push back</h2>
<p>Valentine’s Day, with its emphasis on love and connection, brings to light the importance of inclusivity. It’s a fitting moment to reflect on how everyone desires to love and be loved. The work of disabled activists like Andrew Gurza, host of the podcast <a href="http://www.andrewgurza.com/podcast">Disability after Dark</a>, and Eva Sweeney, creator of <a href="https://www.crippingupsexwitheva.com/">Cripping up Sex with Eva</a>, is particularly illuminating. They courageously open up conversations about disability and sexuality, challenging norms and pushing the boundaries of what’s often considered a taboo subject.</p>
<p>In a simple yet profound expression, a young man with Down Syndrome shared his insight, saying, <a href="https://hollandbloorview.ca/sites/default/files/2021-04/Presentation%20Slides-%20Talk%203%20Speaker%201%20Dr.%20Alan%20Martino_0.pdf">“love is natural, we all love.”</a> This statement serves as a powerful reminder, especially on Valentine’s Day — a time often saturated with conversations about sex, intimacy and romantic connections. It’s a period that underscores the significance of making sure everyone feels seen and included.</p>
<p>Their efforts highlight a critical message: The more we talk about it, the less of a taboo topic it becomes. </p>
<p><em>Eleni Moumos, an undergraduate student in Psychology minoring in Disability Studies at the University of Calgary, co-authored this article.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/222054/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Alan Santinele Martino receives funding from the Canadian Institutes of Health Research.</span></em></p>Individuals with disabilities frequently confront stereotypes that limit their opportunities to form intimate relationships and have sex.Alan Santinele Martino, Assistant Professor, Community Rehabilitation and Disability Studies, University of CalgaryLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2147582024-02-13T15:05:19Z2024-02-13T15:05:19ZGirls and pornography in South Africa: going beyond just the negative effects<p><em>Academic research tends to focus on the negative aspects and sexual dangers of girls and young people viewing porn. But what do girls themselves say about growing up in a world where porn is so readily available from such a young age? It’s a question Deevia Bhana, a professor in gender and childhood sexuality, sets out to answer in her <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Girls-Negotiating-Porn-in-South-Africa-Power-Play-and-Sexuality/Bhana/p/book/9781032028897">book</a> Girls Negotiating Porn in South Africa: Power, Play and Sexuality. We asked her five questions.</em></p>
<h2>What’s the book’s central idea?</h2>
<p>When it comes to porn, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/23268743.2015.1051914">research suggests</a> there are differences between boys and girls, where it is more acceptable for boys to view porn than it is for girls. These gendered differences are based on gender roles and identities where boys’ interest in and expression of sexuality is deemed to be more appropriate than that of girls, who are expected to be sexually innocent and subdued. </p>
<p>In South Africa, these divisions are made deeper by <a href="https://www.afrobarometer.org/publication/ad738-south-africans-see-gender-based-violence-as-most-important-womens-rights-issue-to-address/">sexual violence</a> and <a href="https://www.inclusivesociety.org.za/post/understanding-gender-inequality#:%7E:text=%5B1%5D%20Its%20inequality%20is%20profoundly,lower%20than%20that%20of%20men.">gender inequalities</a> where girls are seen as passive victims of sexuality. Putting girls and porn together as this book does is taboo. There are many reasons for this, including perceptions of respectability. </p>
<p>In contrast, the book provides evidence of girls’ widespread engagement with porn. Digital technologies, social media platforms and a wide array of online sites offer access to sexually explicit material. Sex is all over the internet and porn is everywhere. And girls do engage with it to expand their knowledge – whether teachers and parents like this or not. </p>
<p>The book elaborates on girls’ sexual curiosity, their ideas of sexuality and bodies and their objection to racial categorisations and sexual objectification. It opens up and broadens the conversation about how girls engage with porn in a far more nuanced way beyond danger narratives. The book advocates for a more open and nonjudgmental approach to understanding teenage girls’ experiences with porn, focusing on their voices, experiences and perspectives. </p>
<h2>What research was involved?</h2>
<p>The book is based on focus group discussions and individual interviews with 30 teenage girls between 14 and 18. It draws on <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/social-sciences/photo-elicitation">photo-elicitation</a> methods, drawings and poster making. The girls presented visual images and drawings to describe what porn meant to them. </p>
<h2>What did girls tell you about their experiences of viewing porn?</h2>
<p>The book opens with 17-year-old Nqobile (not her real name). She recalls she first encountered sexual scenes on TV when she was eight, but knew this was something that she couldn’t discuss with her parents. She found this exciting and wanted to know more about it. Like other girls in the study, she spoke about what online porn meant to her. </p>
<p>The girls in the study did not have to access porn online to see porn. They said porn was everywhere, in billboards, movies, music videos… Porn is a normalised aspect of everyday life and the online world. They openly mocked and discarded dominant understandings of porn and sex as inappropriate in their young lives. </p>
<p>They spoke about the excitement of forging sexual relationships, their concerns about first-time sex and their desire to learn about sexual intimacy. One participant said:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Maybe, if you are very inexperienced with sex, you can watch something or look at something to give you an idea of what to expect, and just how to approach the situation, what to do in the situations so that you don’t feel inexperienced.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>When girls engage with porn they don’t simply see sexual content. They also see women whose bodies don’t reflect reality. These images can shape girls’ perceptions of their own bodies and a desire to conform to certain beauty standards which are gendered and racialised. The book shows that girls may find themselves pursuing these elusive “ideals”, but may also challenge them. Many were aware of slim, straight haired, fair skinned and blonde ideals. </p>
<p>Rather than reinforce outdated beauty norms, the girls suggested alternative media and social media platforms that celebrate the real variety of bodies. They also used discussions about porn to talk about male power and female sexual subordination. That only men were seen as deriving pleasure from porn was viewed as one-sided. Women too, the girls argued, experienced pleasure. </p>
<h2>Where do power, play and sexuality fit in?</h2>
<p>Girls engage with porn through their online adventures as they play with the boundaries of respectability. Play also indicates the fun and pleasure they derive from talking about their online encounters with sexuality. So, they play with porn, make jokes about its content, learn about sexual relationships, while they also critically object to the domination of heterosexuality and racialised and gendered patterns of inequalities. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/help-ive-just-discovered-my-teen-has-watched-porn-what-should-i-do-215892">Help, I've just discovered my teen has watched porn! What should I do?</a>
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<p>The lack of comprehensive sex education that addresses girls’ desires and porn can leave young people with limited resources for understanding healthy relationships, consent and sexual pleasure. Online porn becomes a primary source of information. </p>
<p>But relying solely on online porn for sexual knowledge can lead to perceptions of intimacy that are unrealistic, where understandings of boundaries and consent reinforce male power. Additionally, girls’ engagement with porn without proper context or guidance can contribute to feelings of shame, guilt and confusion about one’s own desires.</p>
<p>In South Africa, while comprehensive sexuality education is compulsory in schools, a focus on disease, poor health, violence and the need to abstain is prominent. Sexual desires, pleasures and discussion of first-time sex are often of marginal consideration. In fact <a href="https://link.springer.com/book/10.1007/978-3-030-82602-4">across the globe</a> young people are denied sexuality education that actually takes heed of pleasure.</p>
<h2>What do you hope readers will take away?</h2>
<p>The research offers five key insights:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Girls are not passive recipients: The book challenges the prevailing notion that teenage girls are passive victims of sexuality. Instead, it highlights they actively engage with and navigate the complex world of online porn.</p></li>
<li><p>Girls’ experiences are complex: The research shows girls have a wide range of thoughts, feelings and reactions to porn, including curiosity, playfulness and critical thinking. This challenges the view that porn is universally harmful.</p></li>
<li><p>Context matters: The study highlights the importance of considering the specific social, economic and cultural contexts in which girls are growing up. It recognises that girls from privileged backgrounds may have different experiences and access to online resources that permit ways of learning about porn.</p></li>
<li><p>Better sexuality education is crucial: Instead of shunning discussions about sexuality and porn, the book shows that girls do want to have conversations about these topics. It is adults who refuse to do so. </p></li>
<li><p>We should listen to girls’ voices: The book underscores the importance of valuing girls’ voices and perspectives. It advocates for an approach that recognises that girls both desire and object to porn’s racialised and sexist messages.</p></li>
</ol><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/214758/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Deevia Bhana receives funding from the National Research Foundation. This work is based on the research supported wholly by the National Research Foundation of South Africa (Grant Number 98407).</span></em></p>Sex is all over the internet, and girls engage with it in many different ways. They shouldn’t be judged for it.Deevia Bhana, Professor Gender and Childhood Sexuality, University of KwaZulu-NatalLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2184012024-02-13T10:32:16Z2024-02-13T10:32:16ZThe problems with dating apps and how they could be fixed – two relationship experts discuss<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574143/original/file-20240207-18-gbocbf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=51%2C28%2C3776%2C2126&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/augmented-reality-dating-concept-beautiful-lgbt-2301464957">Gorodenkoff/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Hundreds of millions of people worldwide <a href="https://www.statista.com/topics/7443/online-dating/#topicOverview">use dating apps</a>. But only <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/">half of users</a> say that they have had positive experiences. Indeed, a shocking 11% of female users under 50 have received threats of harm. Surely there’s a better way to build these apps.</p>
<p>Dating sites and apps have made it easier to find sexual and romantic partners, expanding the pool of potential mates to include the entire internet. About 10% of heterosexual people and 24% of LGB people have met their long-term partner <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/">online</a>. But apps have also introduced (or modernised) many ethical concerns associated with dating.</p>
<p>Before dating apps, many people met partners through family, friends or work, which meant that potential partners were often “vetted” by people we trusted. When you meet someone on an app, you often know nothing about them except what they choose to tell you. Making the pursuit of intimacy more <a href="https://www.politybooks.com/bookdetail?book_slug=the-new-laws-of-love-online-dating-and-the-privatization-of-intimacy--9781509543519">private and individual</a> has increased the potential for negative or harmful experiences. </p>
<p>Apps help you control how you present yourself and refine your dating pool using filters. Many see this as a helpful and liberating tool to clarify their identity and meet like-minded people. There are even <a href="https://leftyapp.com/">dating apps</a> exclusive to people with certain <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-parallel-economy-the-rightwing-movement-creating-a-safe-haven-for-deplatformed-conservative-influencers-201999">political views</a>.</p>
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<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
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<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/online-dating-fatigue-why-some-people-are-turning-to-face-to-face-apps-first-184910?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Online dating fatigue – why some people are turning to face-to-face apps first</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/love-island-what-the-show-can-teach-young-people-about-commitment-185459?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Love Island – what the show can teach young people about commitment</a></em></p>
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<p>But the more discerning you can be, the more you may contribute – often unwittingly – to unjust discrimination. Many people are <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15240657.2021.1961498">swiped away</a> or filtered out on grounds of race, ability, class and appearance. For example, <a href="https://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/19/14/8727">99.8%</a> of young black male sexual minority users have experienced some form of racialised sexual discrimination. And only <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-02726-002">3% of contacts initiated by white people</a> are to black people. Disabled people have reported receiving <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11195-022-09771-x#Sec42">“insulting, pitying, or aggressive comments”</a>, or doubts about their ability to have sex.</p>
<p>Apps are designed carefully to hold your attention using <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAzXz005b7U">elements and rewards</a> that make using them feel like playing a game. This can distance your behaviour from your values. You might want a few, caring and nuanced interactions, or committed romantic love, yet find yourself <a href="https://www.forewordreviews.com/reviews/your-happiness-was-hacked/">thrilled by notifications</a>, or drawn into numerous sporadic conversations in ways you find alienating. Ghosting – suddenly leaving an interaction without explanation – is arguably disrespectful, but it <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407520970287">can seem logical</a> when apps funnel you into conversations that lead nowhere or to harassment. </p>
<p>Using apps even morphs into an activity in its own right, becoming less a way of meeting people and more a source of attention, validation and sexual intrigue in your pocket.</p>
<p>Finally, dating apps encourage users to objectify each other through rapid judgment based on appearance. From rapid swiping with little information beyond a picture on apps like Tinder, to Grindr’s <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/grindr-gay-men-body-image-1234733520/">grid of torsos</a>, dating apps make it easy to dismiss with a glance. </p>
<h2>Can dating apps be better?</h2>
<p>We are researchers of love and relationships who have studied <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781003014331-19/online-dating-love-robots-natasha-mckeever">online dating</a>, <a href="https://www.politybooks.com/bookdetail?book_slug=romantic-agency-loving-well-in-modern-life--9781509551521">the idea of compatibility</a>, the <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/japp.12157">nature of love</a>, <a href="https://thamesandhudson.com/does-monogamy-work-9780500295694">non-monogamy</a> and the needs of <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/japp.12472">sexual minority groups</a>. </p>
<p>Our continuing exploration of these topics has convinced us that the people who design dating apps could do more to improve the experience for users. This is why, at the <a href="https://ahc.leeds.ac.uk/homepage/420/centre_for_love_sex_and_relationships">Centre for Love, Sex, and Relationships</a> at the University of Leeds, we are also launching a new research project on ethical dating online to explore how apps can become a better experience for everyone.</p>
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<img alt="A young man sitting on the floor against a couch, looking at his phone with a disappointed and confused look on his face" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574146/original/file-20240207-20-79hrrg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574146/original/file-20240207-20-79hrrg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574146/original/file-20240207-20-79hrrg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574146/original/file-20240207-20-79hrrg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574146/original/file-20240207-20-79hrrg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574146/original/file-20240207-20-79hrrg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574146/original/file-20240207-20-79hrrg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Dating apps can be a source of distress.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/single-sad-man-checking-mobile-phone-603284075">Antonio Guillem/Shutterstock</a></span>
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<p>Some apps have already started to do this. Bumble only allows women to make the first move and has added a feature that <a href="https://bumble.com/the-buzz/privatedetector">automatically blurs</a> nude images, giving users a choice over whether they see the photo or not. Tinder has <a href="https://www.tinderpressroom.com/2023-02-07-Tinder-Gives-Members-More-Control-with-Expanded-Safety-Features-and-Partnership">added new safety features</a>, such as an AI that detects if a message may have offensive or sexually explicit language, and prompting users to <a href="https://www.tinderpressroom.com/2021-05-20-Tinder-Introduces-Are-You-Sure-,-an-Industry-First-Feature-That-is-Stopping-Harassment-Before-It-Starts">think twice</a> before sending. </p>
<p>But they could take it further. Enhanced safety features could help people report harassment. Apps could do more to inform users when someone is <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/tinder-chat-gpt-ai-matches-b2320971.html">using AI</a> in their interactions, or make it easier to get <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2023/oct/23/meet-the-parents-tinder-introduces-matchmaker-approval-tool-for-friends-and-family">feedback</a> from friends, family or other users. These improvements might make it less likely that users will meet up with dangerous people.</p>
<p>Dating apps could give users more information about their preferences and behaviour. Sporadic statistical overviews, or “end of year round-ups” a la <a href="https://newsroom.spotify.com/2023-wrapped/">Spotify</a> could help users see whether they are as open minded as they want to be, or just choosing people from a similar racial or class background. </p>
<p>Finally, apps can “nudge” users towards more ethical behaviour, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/31/ghosting-busters-why-tech-companies-trying-stop-blanking-each-other">encouraging them</a> not to ghost someone, for example, or enforcing a cooling-off period for serial swipers. </p>
<p>While this might feel intrusive, remember that dating apps are <a href="https://uxplanet.org/how-tinder-design-hooks-you-up-60201d78501f">already</a> doing this – for example, sending notifications encouraging you to check the app regularly.</p>
<h2>Be a better dating app user</h2>
<p>There are also steps you can take to interact more ethically on dating apps. Being more aware of your own <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1053810014001950">biases</a> is a good start. So is trying to be more open to people who don’t conform to what you think you want in a partner (particularly when these preferences might be influenced by biases and stereotypes). </p>
<p>You can also take more care of what you say and do on apps. For example, avoiding <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7037474/">ghosting</a> others unless it’s a response to abusive behaviour. In short, remember that online dating is not just a game, even if it feels like one, and that the images on your phone are – usually – of real people.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/218401/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Some apps are already introducing safety features.Natasha McKeever, Lecturer in Applied Ethics, University of LeedsLuke Brunning, Lecturer in Applied Ethics, University of LeedsLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2230102024-02-12T20:10:11Z2024-02-12T20:10:11ZDo feminists have better sex? Yes, they do<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574542/original/file-20240208-26-s9dix2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=11%2C260%2C7551%2C4784&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Contrary to toxic myths and cliché, feminist women are enjoying pleasurable sex lives</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>You might’ve heard the stereotype that feminists are just angry women who need to find a man who can satisfy them sexually. It is an old trope that has been with us since at least the 1970s. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, just when we think we may have moved on from toxic myths like these, rhetoric reminds us they are still very much around. </p>
<p>United States Sen. Ted Cruz tried to revive this cliché in <a href="https://twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1737220576190873699">recent comments at a conservative conference</a>. He suggested that liberal women are sexually unsatisfied because liberal men are too wimpy: “If you were a liberal woman, and you had to sleep with those weenies, you’d be pissed too.” He implied that they will only achieve sexual satisfaction by submitting to domineering men.</p>
<p>I have conducted research on the topic of feminist identity and sexual behaviour, and I’ve got news for Cruz and anyone else worried about women’s sexual satisfaction. There is no sex drought for feminist women; they have sex just as often as non-feminists. In fact, feminist women report their sex is more cuddly, loving and pleasurable — some might say better — than those who are not feminists. </p>
<p>Thanks for your concern, Sen. Cruz, but we’re doing just fine.</p>
<h2>Feminists report having better sex</h2>
<p>In 2022, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02158-7">I surveyed a representative sample of 2,303 adults across Canada</a> and I analyzed the responses of the 1,126 women who took part. Respondents were asked about their sexual activities, both alone and with a partner.</p>
<p>I found that women who identified as feminist and non-feminist both reported high levels of sexual satisfaction. However, women who claimed a feminist identity were more likely to report their most recent sexual encounter included kissing and cuddling than non-feminist women. </p>
<p>Among women, 57 per cent of non-feminists said their most recent sexual encounter included kissing and cuddling, compared to 68 per cent of feminists. This data suggests that feminists are not sad and lonely, but they are engaging in loving, enjoyable sex to a greater extent than non-feminists.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Two women smiling and embracing" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574539/original/file-20240208-16-9k7ay3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Feminist women are more likely to be in social circles where they are more comfortable talking about sex.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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<h2>The clitoris is where it’s at</h2>
<p>One difference between feminist and non-feminist women that stood out the most in my research relates to the pleasure centre of the female body: the clitoris. Feminists were more likely to report receiving clitoral stimulation in the form of oral sex from their partner: 38 per cent of feminist women, compared to 30 per cent of non-feminist women, said they received oral sex in their last encounter.</p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623x.2017.1346530">Clitoral stimulation is the path to sexual pleasure and orgasms for women</a>, feminist or not. However, sometimes sex — especially in heterosexual couples — pays more attention to male pleasure, focusing primarily on stimulation of the penis through vaginal penetration. Clitoral stimulation, such as with mouths, hands or sex toys, gets less attention. Sometimes we give short shrift to clitoral stimulation, relegating it to foreplay, or somehow outside of what counts as “regular sex.”</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/why-are-men-having-more-orgasms-than-women-in-heterosexual-relationships-180080">Why are men having more orgasms than women in heterosexual relationships?</a>
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<p>Shouldn’t women have as much access to sexual pleasure as men? There is abundant evidence, in the case of heterosexual couples, that there is a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/08912432211073062">gender gap in orgasms</a>, with women having fewer orgasms than men. A feminist sensibility might consider it obvious that women should have as much sexual pleasure as men, and their sexual behaviours reflect that ideal.</p>
<h2>Why might feminists have better sex?</h2>
<p>Many women see <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/social-lights/202103/the-joy-feminism">feminism as a source of self-actualization and empowerment</a>, and the link between feminist identity and better sex might be quite simple: Feminists know what they want in bed and are more likely to feel empowered to ask for it. </p>
<p>Feminists are more likely to be in social circles with other feminist friends, and they might be more comfortable talking about sex and pleasure, giving them a chance to discover what they want from sexual encounters. Indeed, my survey also found that feminist women also pleasure themselves more frequently than non-feminists.</p>
<p>Perhaps they are more likely to have sexual partners who are also feminist. We know that <a href="https://brighterworld.mcmaster.ca/articles/men-who-identify-as-feminists-are-having-more-and-more-varied-sex/">feminist men who have sex with women</a> are more likely to give oral sex to their partners, tending to the clitoral stimulation of their sexual partners to a greater extent than non-feminist men do. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/men-who-identify-as-feminists-are-having-more-and-more-varied-sex-158197">Men who identify as feminists are having more — and more varied — sex</a>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A man and woman lie in a bed hugging" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574496/original/file-20240208-30-gsx5ri.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Women who claimed a feminist identity were more likely to report their most recent sexual encounter included kissing and cuddling than non-feminist women.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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<p>Heterosexual feminist women might be more likely to have feminist men partners than non-feminists do, so they might have greater access to more generous lovers. Women who have sex with women are also more likely to receive oral sex than women with men partners. </p>
<p>Whether it is through personal empowerment, better communication or sexual partners who are willing to give them what they need, feminists are having sex that is kissy, cuddly and stimulating. </p>
<p>So, contrary to Cruz’s pronouncements on the subject, feminists have sex just as often as non-feminists, and the sex they have is often loving and pleasurable. It’s time to let go of hateful stereotypes. Let’s lean into the idea that satisfying sex should be available to everyone.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223010/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Tina Fetner receives funding from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada. </span></em></p>Research shows that feminist women are more likely to have sex that is more loving and pleasurable.Tina Fetner, Professor, Sociology, McMaster UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2233742024-02-12T16:26:26Z2024-02-12T16:26:26ZTen of the best romantic films to watch this Valentine’s Day<p>The shape of love and romance seems to be an ever-evolving facet of the human experience, but somehow the marketer’s dream of Valentine’s Day never seems to move beyond cliché. However the nature of love and the portrayal of different kinds of relationships have always been explored on film, right from the early days of “talkies”.</p>
<p>So if we must indulge in Valentine’s Day, let’s do it with ten very different romantic films that examine the variety of configurations of this most human of conditions. From throuples, to “just friends”, to the unforgettable blush of first love and the one that got away, there’s something here for everyone.</p>
<h2>1. The definitive romantic comedy: When Harry Met Sally … (1989)</h2>
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<p>Written by the late great <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2022/jun/27/nora-ephron-biography-sleepless-in-seattle">Nora Ephron</a>, who made her name writing and later directing iconic romantic comedies such as Sleepless in Seattle, this film shows something that many romantic comedies often don’t: time. Taking place over 12 years, the film asks the question “Can men and women ever just be friends?” At first glance, the film’s ending might seem to say “no.” But another, perhaps more positive way of interpreting the ending is that true friendship is the bedrock for lasting romance. </p>
<h2>2. Longing for longing: Call Me By Your Name (2017)</h2>
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<p><a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/celebrity/763949215">Luca Guadagnino’s</a> queer masterpiece captures the delicate feelings of love as it begins. The film is intimate and well-observed, capturing the difficulties and discoveries of young love, particularly how emotionally overwhelming it can be. The affection between Elio (Timothée Chalamet) and Oliver (Armie Hammer) often goes unspoken, but is communicated in other ways. In one crucial scene, dancing expresses what is hard to say aloud, making the film an iconic modern tale of queer romance.</p>
<h2>3. For the poly-curious: Design For Living (1933)</h2>
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<p>It’s the classic love story: boys meet girl, girl cannot decide between them, boys and girl agree to live together. <a href="https://www.thecut.com/article/polycule-polyamourous-relationship-meaning.html">Polyamory</a> – forms of non-monogomous relationships – may feel like a modern phenomenon given its recent <a href="https://www.thecut.com/article/how-polyamorous-relationships-work-ethical-non-monogamous-rules.html">media attention</a>, but <a href="http://lubitsch.com/biography.html">Ernst Lubitsch’s</a> 1933 classic romantic comedy demonstrates that relationships outside of monogamous marriage have always been on our radar. The film was released during the “<a href="https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/pre-code-hollywood-movies/">pre-code Hollywood era</a>” (1929-1934) and skirts around the principles of the <a href="https://www.acmi.net.au/stories-and-ideas/early-hollywood-and-hays-code/">Hays code</a>, a list of censorship guidelines that would be soon be introduced, but which were not yet rigorously enforced. Design For Living still surprises to this day with its subtly risqué and humorous examination of diverse forms of romantic relationships.</p>
<h2>4. For the anxiously analytical: Modern Romance (1981)</h2>
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<p><a href="https://www.albertbrooks.com/about/">Albert Brooks</a> is one of the great all-time analysts of the modern condition, and this film is no different. Co-written, directed and starring Brooks, Modern Romance explores the agonising question: “is this truly the one?” Caught between his anxious tendencies and a sense of self-importance, Bob (Brooks) has an on-again, off-again relationship with Mary (Kathryn Harrold), in which his insecure but controlling nature escalates, making for a hilarious film. </p>
<h2>5. The soundtrack to great love and grand gestures: Moulin Rouge! (2001)</h2>
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<p><a href="https://www.britannica.com/biography/Baz-Luhrmann">Baz Luhrmann’s</a> jukebox musical gives us two kinds of romance. The romance between Christian (Ewan McGregor) and Satine (Nicole Kidman) is a classic love story, but this tale also captures romance in another sense, that of <a href="https://www.metmuseum.org/toah/hd/roma/hd_roma.htm">Romanticism</a>, an art movement emerging in Europe that prioritised emotional truth. Like Luhrmann’s <a href="https://www.goldderby.com/gallery/baz-luhrmann-best-movies-ranked/">other works</a>, Moulin Rouge! is the story of an artist coming into their craft through life experience, in this case, romantic love. </p>
<h2>6. Love from a political angle: Tongues Untied (1989)</h2>
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<p>“Brother to brother, brother to brother.” Rapid-fire dialogue begins and ends this poetic documentary by black gay filmmaker <a href="https://nmaahc.si.edu/marlon-riggs">Marlon Riggs</a>. As the film’s poster declares, this film is about black men loving black men. The film analyses how <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-012-0152-4">overlapping systems of privilege and oppression</a> affect marginalised groups. It examines how black gay men are often excluded from gay communities, which have historically been white-centered, while also being excluded from heterosexual society. In its poetic merging of documentary footage, poetry, dance and autobiography, Tongues Untied illustrates that black men loving black men is in itself an act of defiance and resilience.</p>
<h2>7. The charm of first love: Words Bubble Up Like Soda Pop (2021)</h2>
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<p>Working at an elderly care centre over the summer, two teens forge a bond that blooms into first love. But both also have anxieties that stand in the way: Cherry around speaking in public, Smile around her buck teeth. <a href="https://www.animeboston.com/guest/guest_details/234">Kyohei Ishiguro’s</a> Anime romance warms the heart and make you yearn for the warmth of both summer and that blush of first love. </p>
<h2>8. Love in a relatable mid-life crisis: Crossing Delancey (1988)</h2>
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<p>Isabelle (Amy Irving) is a bookstore clerk who admires the world of literary elites in New York. While she has eyes for the new big-name author in town, her grandmother has other plans, working to set Isabelle up with a local pickle salesman. <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2021/jan/14/joan-micklin-silver-obituary-crossing-delancey">Joan Micklin Silver’s</a> film perfectly captures the aspirational feelings of anyone in their twenties or thirties, while also examining distinct New York groups that Isabelle is torn between: the elite <a href="https://newrepublic.com/article/152533/death-wasp-elite-greatly-exaggerated">WASP-y</a> literary circles and the <a href="https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/orthodox-judaism/">Orthodox Jewish community</a>.</p>
<h2>9. The throwback romantic comedy: Down With Love (2003)</h2>
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<p>Taking inspiration from classic 1950s and 1960s romantic comedies of Doris Day, Rock Hudson and Tony Randall, Down with Love is about two writers whose pride and ambitions clash in classic romantic comedy fashion. Featuring sizzling performances by Rene Zellweger and Ewan McGregor – with hilarious turns by David Hyde Pierce, Sarah Paulson and Tony Randall himself – director <a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/celebrity/silencio_por_favor">Peyton Reed</a> twists the romantic comedy formula to great effect, making for a colourful, fun and feisty film.</p>
<h2>10. The bittersweet romance: Past Lives (2023)</h2>
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<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/oscar-nominees-2024-past-lives-spotlights-the-pull-of-first-love-alongside-the-yearning-for-glory-221574">Nominated</a> for best picture and best original screenplay at the 2024 Academy Awards, Past Lives rounds out this list as a bittersweet triumph. <a href="https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/celine-song-past-lives-interview-2023">Celine Song’s</a> gentle film charts the relationship of two people as they meet throughout their lives. Full of tender romance, bring some tissues for this affecting film.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223374/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jacqueline Ristola does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Big classic romcoms feature alongside some rather more unexpected entries in our special Valentine’s movie list.Jacqueline Ristola, Lecturer in Digital Animation, Department of Film & Television, University of BristolLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2135382023-12-31T20:27:02Z2023-12-31T20:27:02ZA raunchy new ‘Big History’ tells the story of sex, but raises some unanswered questions<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/565406/original/file-20231213-21-483trl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C11%2C7976%2C3976&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/sperm-egg-cell-on-microscope-scientific-1053858512">Maxx-Studio/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>David Baker’s <a href="https://www.blackincbooks.com.au/books/sex">Sex: Two Billion Years of Procreation and Recreation</a> condenses the story of the evolution of (predominantly) reproductive sex into 300 pages. That is quite a feat. </p>
<p>The book is one of the latest additions to the popular “<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/big-history">Big History</a>” genre. First defined by Macquarie University historian <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/20078501?seq=1">David Christian</a> in the early 1990s, the idea of Big History is that the temporal scale on which history should be studied is “the whole of time”. Its ambition is no less than to survey history from the Big Bang to the present, taking an interdisciplinary approach to its scholarship. </p>
<p>Baker is a science writer with a PhD in Big History and one of the writers behind the <a href="https://www.mq.edu.au/bighistory/threshold-nine/issue-eleven/behind-big-history-crash-course-series-2">Big History Crash Course</a> on YouTube. In his introduction to Sex, he declares “this is the first book that seeks to weave together the grand narrative of sex in its entirety”. </p>
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<p><em>Sex: Two Billion Years of Procreation and Recreation – David Christian (Black Inc.)</em></p>
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<p>The book is divided into three sections. The first – titled Evolutionary Foreplay – covers the period from 13.8 billion to 66 million years ago. Baker races through the 10 billion years following the Big Bang, when “the cosmos was devoid of life”. </p>
<p>He summarises the formation of Earth and its atmosphere, the origins of living organisms 3.8 billion years ago, the emergence of DNA, and the cloning (asexual reproduction) of “microscopic blobs living on the edge of underwater volcanoes”. </p>
<p>We are taken from the earliest forms of sexual reproduction between two single-celled organisms to the differentiation of cells, and on to the evolution of specialised reproductive cells, the gametes. This development was followed by the rapid appearance of diverse animal species, from fish and amphibians to reptiles, insects, dinosaurs, birds and mammals. </p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1154&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1154&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/565398/original/file-20231213-19-9rpgqu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1154&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<p>In the second section, Primate Climax – which covers the period from 66 million to 315,000 years ago – we learn about the development of external genitals and the birth of “the age of the orgasm”, as well as primate sexual behaviour and social organisation. </p>
<p>The final section, Cultural Afterglow, which extends from 315,000 years ago to the present, traces the history of Homo sapiens from hunter-gatherers, to the first agrarian societies, and on to the present day. </p>
<p>The word length of each section is inversely proportional to the time scale being described – a reflection of our relative knowledge about sexual behaviour, but also its evolving complexity over time.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/sex-and-the-single-gene-new-research-shows-a-genetic-master-switch-determines-sex-in-most-animals-203055">Sex and the single gene: new research shows a genetic ‘master switch’ determines sex in most animals</a>
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<h2>Evolution</h2>
<p>Baker’s prose is animated and deliberately raunchy, making what would be a dense read light and entertaining. But to weave his “grand narrative of sex” he also anthropomorphises reproduction of even the earliest living organisms. </p>
<p>For example, explaining theory behind the first, possibly accidental, mixing of genes two billion years ago, Baker describes “Snowball Earth” – a period when the average global temperature was minus 50 degrees Celsius. His argument is that asexual reproduction at this time of catastrophic climatic conditions was causing overpopulation and that sexual reproduction would slow population growth. </p>
<p>This sounds counter-intuitive, but sexual reproduction takes time, much longer than simply cloning oneself. Two separate, unrelated organisms need to find each other and then exchange DNA. And it seems that the very first time this happened was what Baker describes as “cannibal sex”: one cell ingesting another due to starvation and accidentally mixing DNA. Baker thus writes:</p>
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<p>To put it slightly more crudely, 2 billion years ago our ancestors felt so much pressure from the environment that they needed to fuck in order to survive. </p>
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<p>A few pages later, he writes “furthermore, sex bequeathed upon those hardy, horny eukaryotes the potential for rapid evolution into increasingly complex species”. </p>
<p>Throughout his descriptions of sexual and reproductive behaviour of pre-primate species, Baker attributes very human characteristics to living organisms that simply don’t make sense. While this can be amusing, I also found it slightly irritating. The long bow being drawn between “sexual” behaviour involving the first exchange of DNA by single-celled organisms and the first modern humans is long indeed. </p>
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<span class="caption">Hardy and horny? Euglena, a genus of single-celled flagellate Eukaryotes.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Rattiya Thongdumhyu/Shutterstock</span></span>
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<p>Baker provides an interesting summary of the diversity among our primate ancestors. He notes differences in anatomy and genital size, and considers variations in practices such as masturbation and sexual partnering, including polygamy, monogamy, promiscuity, homosexual and bisexual behaviour. </p>
<p>He delves into the issues of pleasure, romantic love and parenting, and related forms of social organisation, such as patriarchy and matriarchy. And he considers variations, such as patrilocality (where males remain in their families and females move out to live with the male parent of their offspring) and its reverse, matrilocality. </p>
<p>Baker also points out that a pleasure response to copulation can be seen in fish and reptiles, similar to the sensations experienced after eating, but that the orgasm emerges with placental mammals. </p>
<p>It is, however, the evolution of human culture that radically changes everything. Baker condenses a few hundred thousand years of the history of human sexuality into 150 pages. He covers diversity (including intersex characteristics and gender and sexual diversity) and considers the ways in which societies have controlled sexuality and sexual behaviour through legal and other sanctions. </p>
<p>Central to these cultural practices is the control of female sexuality, which emerged with the development of agriculture and the need to retain land ownership and safeguard inheritance down patriarchal lines.</p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/guide-to-the-classics-darwins-the-descent-of-man-150-years-on-sex-race-and-our-lowly-ape-ancestry-155305">Guide to the classics: Darwin's The Descent of Man 150 years on — sex, race and our 'lowly' ape ancestry</a>
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<h2>The future of sex</h2>
<p>In the book’s final chapter, The Future of Sex, Baker shares his belief that “Nurture has ceased to impede the sexual impulses of Nature”, leading to a state where “loneliness is at an all-time high and personal happiness is at its lowest ebb”. </p>
<p>This is a sweeping statement. How did we measure loneliness and personal happiness in, say, Ancient Egypt? Do experiences of loneliness and personal happiness vary around the globe? Do they mean different things in different cultures? </p>
<p>Informing some of Baker’s thinking are statistics about the number of Millennials “projected to never get married in their lifetimes” and the decline in rates of casual sex. But it is not clear if they are only from studies in Western countries or how representative they are at a global level. </p>
<p>Baker concludes the book with four categories of future forecasts. His “projected future” is based on current observation. Here he predicts a rise in singledom and a state where promiscuity and sexlessness both exist and birth rates decline. </p>
<p>His “probable future” anticipates a “cultural rejection of relationships as the key to happiness”. It would involve more hook-ups and the growing replacement of human-to-human sex with sex dolls and bots. Alternatively, Baker suggests humanity might swing back towards traditional monogamous couplings, or a revival of polygyny, or a “promiscuity overdrive”. </p>
<p>In a “possible future”, he considers how internet technology might lead to virtual, AI-driven partnered sex. Finally, in a “preposterous future”, he suggests that sex could cease to be important to living organisms at all.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/566207/original/file-20231218-29-1fao4w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Could sex dolls and bots be the future of sex?</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Fossiant/Shutterstock</span></span>
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<p>While Baker’s deliberations are interesting and worth pondering, it is difficult to accept his claim that “the liberalisation of attitudes towards sex has released human sexuality from the grip of culture”. Indeed, the statement is something of an oxymoron, since “liberalising attitudes” are themselves a cultural phenomenon. </p>
<p>The “grip of culture” is still ever-present in the policing of female sexual behaviour, which continues to the present day the world over. So does the epidemic of sexual violence against women. </p>
<p>The other aspect of Baker’s book that I wonder about is its “knowability”. How many of the “facts” presented are really known? How much is be conjecture? While there is an impressive list of references at the end of the book, Baker admits that many of the beliefs he shares about the evolution of sex are not certain.</p>
<p>This speaks, in part, to the tensions that exist between “Big History” and “Deep History”. Big History presents itself as an answer to an existential question – why are we here? But, as some critics have <a href="https://aeon.co/essays/we-should-be-wary-about-what-big-history-overlooks-in-its-myth">argued</a>, humans do not “easily fit into a Big History framework”.</p>
<p>Baker concludes with a statement about what he wanted to achieve in writing this book. He hopes that “some aspects of sex have become slightly less baffling for the reader” and wishes his readers the “sensation of feeling truly loved” – a kind sentiment, but slightly at odds with what has come before. </p>
<p>From my perspective, the world has a long way to go to achieve human rights for all in the areas of sexuality and gender. If Baker’s book helps this endeavour by getting us to think about human sexuality more deeply, then it will prove worthwhile.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/213538/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Melissa Kang has received research funding from government grant schemes (including the NHMRC and ARC). She is the co-author of books and book chapters about adolescent sexuality and adolescent health. </span></em></p>The evolution of sexual behaviour is a long and complicated tale. Taking a long view involves a degree of speculation.Melissa Kang, Associate Professor in the Specialty of General Practice, University of SydneyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2192072023-12-08T12:27:01Z2023-12-08T12:27:01ZErotic Vagrancy: Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor biography revels in scandal and excess of Hollywood glamour couple<p><a href="https://www.waterstones.com/author/roger-lewis/136946">Roger Lewis’s biographies</a> are always rich, wayward, engrossing, idiosyncratic and above all obsessive, which seems entirely fitting for evoking the particular qualities of his latest subject – the celebrity couple to end them all, <a href="https://www.britannica.com/biography/Richard-Burton-Welsh-actor">Richard Burton</a> and <a href="https://www.biography.com/actors/elizabeth-taylor">Elizabeth Taylor</a>.</p>
<p>Lewis’s substantial <a href="https://www.waterstones.com/book/erotic-vagrancy/roger-lewis/9780857381729">new book</a>, Erotic Vagrancy: Everything About Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, takes its title from a phrase used in a <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/usshowbiz/article-12078923/Burton-Taylors-scandal-soaked-affair-epic-Cleopatra.html">papal condemnation</a> of the couple when their affair began during the making of 20th Century Fox’s epic 1963 film <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/jun/12/cleopatra-60th-anniversary-elizabeth-taylor-richard-burton">Cleopatra</a> in Rome. This served to emphasise the atmosphere of notoriety that surrounded Taylor and Burton’s relationship throughout its 20-year duration.</p>
<p>It also suggests the way they represented a new (and to the Vatican, unwelcome) approach to sexual and romantic conduct. Previous marriages were dispensed with in pursuit of this electric, ecstatic new coupling. The media pursued the couple as they criss-crossed the world on private jets and luxury yachts, hoovering up enormous diamonds and other expensive trinkets along the way.</p>
<p>But the vision of love Taylor and Burton represented was far from sweetness and light. Instead, it seems to have been a prolonged struggle of can’t-live-with, can’t-live-without, characterised by drunken arguments and bitter recrimination. The couple’s films then replayed and remixed it for duly fascinated paying cinema customers – most famously in 1966’s <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2016/sep/18/whos-afraid-of-virginia-woolf-edward-albee">Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?</a></p>
<h2>Jet-set celebrity glamour</h2>
<p>Lewis suggests the couple were at the vanguard of contemporary celebrity culture, while also taking care to frame them as creatures of their time – members of a long-vanished glamorous jet-set whose 1960s and ’70s haunts have all but disappeared. Lewis describes his undimmed and even growing affection for his subjects in spite of – or perhaps because of – their shameless bad behaviour, from very public fights to unfulfilled charitable promises.</p>
<p>Their love and its emotional maelstrom undoubtedly inflicted enormous harm, on others as well as themselves. And its narcissistic showiness, writ in priceless jewels and ardent gestures across a global stage, was vulgar. However, Lewis offers an incisive deconstruction and defence of vulgarity as a human quality, reframing the couple’s outrageous extravagance as a generosity of spirit, living large and leaning into their role as collective fantasy figures.</p>
<p>And he loves their films, especially the egregious flops and off-kilter experiments like <a href="https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/boom-1968">Boom!</a> (1968), <a href="https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/hammersmith-is-out-1972">Hammersmith Is Out</a> (1972) and <a href="https://screenbound.co.uk/divorce-his-divorce-hers/">Divorce His / Divorce Hers</a> (1973), discerning in their bizarre contours a fever dream of the couple’s romance.</p>
<h2>Myths and spells</h2>
<p>Burton’s journey was the more extraordinary of the two: from Welsh working-class impoverishment to full movie mega-stardom, by way of his prodigious charisma as a young actor. Lewis alleges Burton’s schoolmaster svengali and adoptive father had less than honourable intentions towards his ward, but he was the facilitator of Burton’s longed-for exit from the valleys.</p>
<p>No wonder Burton nursed a longstanding fascination with the <a href="https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20170907-what-the-myth-of-faust-can-teach-us">Faust legend</a>, feeling he had sold his soul to the devil to attain worldly glory, including “the face that launched a thousand ships” in the form of the beautiful Taylor – who played the Helen of Troy role opposite her husband’s Faustus in <a href="https://kultguyskeep.wordpress.com/2018/02/26/doctor-faustus-1967-film-review/">Burton’s 1967 screen adaptation</a> of Christopher Marlowe’s play.</p>
<p>Lewis appears to identify slightly more with the Welshman’s dark moods than he does the dramas of the divine Elizabeth, a pampered princess and movie star from childhood. He is in thrall to the idea of Taylor as witch, casting a spell over Burton.</p>
<p>Lewis uses Kingsley Amis’s phrasing to characterise the star as “a wrapped-up-in-herself female” and wonders aloud if women are “generally less rational, more instinctive and immediate, than your males”. To which one can only respond: hogwash. Hogwash that depends on completely ignoring what an irrational mystic Burton seems to have been, continually invoking his alchemical mythic origin as a figure created in the bowels of the Welsh earth.</p>
<p>This is not a feminist book – there is a broadside against “rubbishy academic tracts by frightening feminists” in the author’s opening remarks on the existing Burton-Taylor literature. Lewis acknowledges the physical abuse Taylor suffered at the hands of her first husband, Nicky Hilton, while she was still in her teens, but quibbles over the dates of the pregnancy she says she miscarried after being beaten by him – not a good look.</p>
<p>He goes on to suggest that many of the actress’s subsequent health problems were psychosomatic or self-inflicted, or just simple malingering. But thankfully, these potentially misogynistic notes are counterbalanced by other moments of empathy and insight. There is full-throated celebration of Taylor, especially as she aged and gained weight, as an unruly woman who refused to adhere to the template of feminine probity and modesty. Her greed – for love, adventure, sex, food, excitement, wealth, beauty – is not censured but saluted.</p>
<p>Erotic Vagrancy is packed with details that not only make you pause and gasp, but which penetrate the core of what it means to be famous, or infamous, and in love.</p>
<p>And its wit makes it sparkle and glitter like one of Taylor’s extravagant diamonds – coruscating in the true sense of the word. The research and writing has clearly been a labour of love for Lewis, and the result is a lovingly all-encompassing celebrity biography which interrogates both celebrity and biography as concepts.</p>
<p>But it does so with levity and personality, always wearing its learning and its eloquence lightly. To invoke the title of a <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/goings-on-about-town/movies/magnificent-obsession">film starring one of Taylor’s pals, Rock Hudson</a>, this book is the result of a “magnificent obsession” with Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, and all the better for it.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
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<p><em>Looking for something good? Cut through the noise with a carefully curated selection of the latest releases, live events and exhibitions, straight to your inbox every fortnight, on Fridays. <a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/newsletters/something-good-156">Sign up here</a>.</em></p>
<hr><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/219207/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Melanie Williams does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The scandal that engulfed the tempestuous couple from the beginning fed a media and public obsession that lasted for the rest of their lives.Melanie Williams, Professor of Film and Television Studies, University of East AngliaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2116752023-11-21T23:30:20Z2023-11-21T23:30:20ZHere’s what happens to your penis as you age<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/558209/original/file-20231108-29-2x75fz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C1%2C1000%2C664&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/close-stethoscope-yellow-banana-on-blue-1070813387">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>All parts of your body age and the penis is no exception. </p>
<p>Changes to how your penis looks or works can be signs of underlying health issues and can affect your quality of life. So understanding which changes are normal and when to seek help is important.</p>
<p>Here’s what you can expect to happen to your penis as you age, and when to be concerned.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/how-do-i-clean-my-penis-125135">'How do I clean my penis?'</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Will my penis shrink?</h2>
<p>There is no definitive evidence your <a href="https://bjui-journals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/bju.13010">penis length and girth</a> will naturally change as you age, despite what you may <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/penis-shrinkage">read</a>.</p>
<p>This is because there is no study that follows the same adults and their penis measurements over decades; existing studies only compare penis size between different adults of different ages. </p>
<p>There are also many different ways to <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41443-019-0157-4">measure</a> penis size – including stretched, flaccid (floppy) and erect. This makes it difficult to compare studies.</p>
<p>However, for some people, conditions associated with ageing can appear to decrease penis length. These include:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>obesity (which hides the base of the penis)</p></li>
<li><p>the effects of <a href="https://www.auajournals.org/doi/10.1016/j.juro.2007.03.119">prostate surgery</a> (temporarily)</p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/mens-health/peyronies-disease">Peyronie’s disease</a> (where scarring in the fibrous layer of the penis causes it to bend abnormally).</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Erect penis length may also decrease with age due to:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>erectile dysfunction (the inability to achieve erections sufficient for sexual activity)</p></li>
<li><p>less <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1459150/">penile elasticity</a>, which reduces how much the penis expands.</p></li>
</ul>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/are-chemicals-shrinking-your-penis-and-depleting-your-sperm-heres-what-the-evidence-really-says-160007">Are chemicals shrinking your penis and depleting your sperm? Here's what the evidence really says</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Will I still have erections?</h2>
<p>Erectile dysfunction affects 15% of men in their 50s to almost 90% of men over 80, according to an <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-014-0465-1">English study</a> of more than 6,000 people. Existing health conditions increased the risk significantly, and the risk was more than doubled in those who rated their health as fair to poor.</p>
<p><a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/mens-health/erectile-dysfunction">Medications</a> such as sildenafil (Viagra) and tadalafil (Cialis) can help. But they do not reverse the underlying blood vessel and nerve damage that cause erectile dysfunction. Eventually other treatments – such as injections or <a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/news/what-are-penis-pumps-and-how-do-they-work">penile pumps</a> – may be options.</p>
<p>Other changes that occur with age include <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9836563/">decreased penis sensitivity</a>, which might reduce arousal. Ejaculation is <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8254833/">delayed</a> and happens <a href="https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0302283816003778">less often</a>.</p>
<p>Semen volume and the force of ejaculation <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27652226/">decrease</a> with age. The time taken to “recover” from ejaculating and become sexually responsive again (known as the <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31405769/">post-ejaculatory refractory time</a>) also increases with age. </p>
<p>Reaching orgasm is “impossible” or “moderately difficult” for <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25624001/">33% of men</a> in their 70s.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/weekly-dose-the-hard-facts-on-viagra-58289">Weekly dose: the hard facts on Viagra</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Will the shape of my penis change?</h2>
<p>The shape of your penis is not usually expected to change with age. However, Peyronie’s disease (an abnormally bent or curved penis) becomes <a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/mens-health/peyronies-disease">more common</a> with age. This may be because of accumulation of damage from minor injuries over time.</p>
<p>This condition affects <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11890244/">6.5% of men</a> over 70 and can cause short-term pain and long-term erectile dysfunction.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Older smiling man holding banana in each hand, one large, one small" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558561/original/file-20231109-15-6so9wq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">No, your penis doesn’t automatically change shape as you age. But you might notice other changes.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/old-country-doctor-smiling-while-comparing-758197381">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Will I pee more?</h2>
<p><a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/mens-health/urinary-problems-luts">Lower urinary tract symptoms</a> such as incontinence, a weak urine stream, problems with starting and stopping peeing, and nocturia (frequent night time urination) increase as we get older. </p>
<p>These symptoms are moderate to severe in <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17070357/">almost 50% of men</a> over 65, and in <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18554695/">70% of men</a> over 80. This is likely due to <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6206240/">higher rates</a> of benign prostatic hyperplasia (enlarged prostate) as men age, which has various effects, including on urine flow.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/health-check-what-can-your-doctor-tell-from-your-urine-74990">Health Check: what can your doctor tell from your urine?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Changes can take their toll …</h2>
<p>Physical and functional changes in the penis can affect a man’s <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25624001/">health and wellbeing</a>. </p>
<p>Problems with erections or ejaculating can reduce someone’s <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30554952/">quality of life</a> if they still want to have sex. So <a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/partners-guide">open discussion</a> with a partner, seeking support and professional advice can help.</p>
<p>Lower urinary tract symptoms can also <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15814179/">affect</a> a man’s mental health and personal relationships. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Older gay couple sitting on sofa, one with hand on shoulder, looking at open laptop" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/558565/original/file-20231109-25-sl40tf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Be open with your partner about any concerns.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/older-same-sex-male-couple-browsing-2356931529">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>… but can be sign of disease</h2>
<p>Erectile dysfunction can also hint at serious health problems <a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/mens-health/erectile-dysfunction">such as</a> heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and disorders of the nervous system.</p>
<p>In this way, the penis reflects vascular health in the rest of the body. So having erectile dysfunction can <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30665816/">predict</a> your risk of a future heart attack or stroke.</p>
<p>Lower urinary tract symptoms are also often associated with sexual dysfunction, and can <a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au/mens-health/urinary-problems-luts">increase the risk</a> of urinary tract infections and chronic kidney disease.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/does-it-matter-if-you-sit-or-stand-to-pee-and-what-about-peeing-in-the-shower-206869">Does it matter if you sit or stand to pee? And what about peeing in the shower?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>What’s normal and when should I see my GP?</h2>
<p>Normal ageing includes changes to the penis’ blood vessels, nerves, and associated organs, such as the prostate. So, as you age, it is normal to have:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>minor changes in the size and shape of the penis</p></li>
<li><p>a gradual decrease in erectile function and sensitivity</p></li>
<li><p>mild urinary symptoms that don’t bother you.</p></li>
</ul>
<p><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28217447/">Staying healthy</a>
and regularly seeing your GP to <a href="https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/essential-screening-tests-for-men">check for</a> common conditions (such as high blood pressure) should slow down these age-related changes. Other health conditions (such as diabetes) accelerate these changes.</p>
<p>However, it is important to seek medical attention if:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>there is a significant change in size or shape of the penis, or if you develop unusual lumps</p></li>
<li><p>there is pain or discomfort in or around your penis</p></li>
<li><p>erectile dysfunction becomes persistent or bothers you</p></li>
<li><p>urinary symptoms occur suddenly or bother you.</p></li>
</ul>
<hr>
<p><em>For more information about men’s health, including resources for partners, see the <a href="https://www.healthymale.org.au">Healthy Male website</a>.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/211675/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Tim Moss works for Healthy Male, a website to promote men's health.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jinghang Luo and Rob McLachlan do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Understanding which changes are normal and when to seek help is important. Here’s what you need to know.Rob McLachlan, Professor and clinician in fertility medicine, Hudson InstituteJinghang Luo, Andrology Fellow, Hudson InstituteTim Moss, Adjunct Associate Professor, Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Monash UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2074252023-11-20T19:00:42Z2023-11-20T19:00:42ZThe Ethical Slut has been called ‘the bible’ of non-monogamy – but its sexual utopia is oversimplified<p><em>Our cultural touchstones series looks at books that have made an impact.</em></p>
<p>In 2022, University of Melbourne evolutionary psychologist Dr Khandis Blake <a href="https://www.houseofwellness.com.au/wellbeing/relationships/polyamorous-relationships">estimated that among young people</a>, “around 4-5 per cent of people might be involved in a polyamorous relationship, and about 20 per cent have probably tried one”. </p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/more-romantic-partners-means-more-support-say-polyamorous-couples-125867">Polyamory</a> statistics in Australia are limited. But <a href="https://blogs.iu.edu/kinseyinstitute/2022/06/17/polyamory-and-consensual-non-monogamy-in-the-us/">recent research</a> in the US shows just over 11% of people are currently in polyamorous relationships, while 20% have engaged in some form of non-monogamy. In the UK, just under <a href="https://yougov.co.uk/topics/relationships/trackers/how-brits-feel-about-polyamory">10% of people </a> would be open to a non-monogamous relationship. </p>
<p>“To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you,” write the co-authors of <a href="https://www.penguin.com.au/books/the-ethical-slut-third-edition-9780399579660">The Ethical Slut</a>, a now-classic guide to non-monogamy (tagged “the Poly Bible”). </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=439&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=439&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=439&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=552&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=552&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559819/original/file-20231116-19-owcqp7.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=552&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton are the co-authors of The Ethical Slut.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/authors/105320/dossie-easton/">Stephanie Mohan/Penguin Random House</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>When it was first published more than 25 years ago, the book shattered social norms and stigma around non-traditional relationship styles. Now in its third edition, revised to address cultural changes like gender diversity and new technological innovations (like dating apps), it has sold over 200,000 copies since its first publication in 1997.</p>
<p>As a non-monogamous practitioner myself, I welcome literature that aims to destigmatise relationships that sit outside monogamy. </p>
<p>Sexual educator Janet W. Hardy and psychotherapist Dossie Easton, two self-described queer, polyamorous “ethical sluts” – friends, lovers and frequent collaborators – bring readers into their world of multiple partners and multiple kinds of sex. It encourages them to think about their own desires, and how they might be achieved in ethical ways.</p>
<p>Easton decided against monogamy after leaving a traumatic relationship, with a newborn daughter, in 1969. She taught her first class in “unlearning jealousy” in 1973. Hardy left a 13-year marriage in 1988, after realising she was no longer interested in monogamy. The pair met in 1992, through a San Francisco BDSM group.</p>
<p>Two years later, sick in bed, Hardy stumbled on the film <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107211/">Indecent Proposal</a>, where a marriage crumbles after millionaire Robert Redford offers a madly-in-love (but struggling with money) married couple, played by Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore, a million dollars for one night with Demi.</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/gIM004ECWhQ?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">The 1993 film Indecent Proposal sparked The Ethical Slut.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>“A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me,” Hardy <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/the-ethical-slut-inside-americas-growing-acceptance-of-polyamory-112319/">told Rolling Stone</a>. “I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.” And so she reached out to Easton to propose they collaborate on a book on non-monogamy.</p>
<p>The Ethical Slut is a significant guide to navigating sexual freedom, open relationships and polyamory – responsibly and thoughtfully. It’s aimed at readers exploring non-monogamy, or supporting loved ones to do so.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/hook-ups-pansexuals-and-holy-connection-love-in-the-time-of-millennials-and-generation-z-182226">Hook-ups, pansexuals and holy connection: love in the time of millennials and Generation Z</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>What is The Ethical Slut?</h2>
<p>The book is divided into four parts, each offering mental exercises to help readers embrace a sexually diverse lifestyle. It aims to support those interested in exploring non-monogamous relationships, free from stigma or shame.</p>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559820/original/file-20231116-26-nj8mzr.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<p>The first part offers an overview of non-monogamy. An ethical slut approaches their relationships with communication and care for their partner(s), whether casual or committed, while staying true to their desires.</p>
<p>In the second part, the authors urge readers to break free from the “<a href="https://sydneyinclusivecounselling.com.au/the-ways-the-concept-of-starvation-economy-negatively-affects-both-monogamous-and-non-monogamous-relationships/#:%7E:text=It%20is%20a%20core%20belief,similar%20but%20also%20different%20ways.">starvation economy</a>” mindset, which conditions us to think love and intimacy are scarce resources. This is what leads to fear and possessiveness in dating, sex and relationships, they explain.</p>
<p>In part three, readers learn how to handle jealousy and insecurity, while managing conflicts effectively.</p>
<p>Finally, the authors cover various non-monogamous sexual practices. There are tips for navigating swinging and open relationships as a single person, group sex (orgies), and advice on asking for what you want in a sexual encounter. </p>
<h2>‘Everything’s out on a big buffet’</h2>
<p>The Ethical Slut’s appeal lies in its ability to help people shift their mindset about monogamy, in a society where other forms of relationships have often been deemed immoral. (Though this is changing.)</p>
<p>Co-author Hardy <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/25/truth-about-polyamory-monogamy-open-relationships">told the Guardian</a> in 2018:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>What I’m seeing among young people is that they don’t have the same need to self-define by what they like to do in bed, or in relationships, like my generation did. Everything’s out on a big buffet, and they try a little of everything.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Five years later, in 2023, many celebrities openly identify as polyamorous. Ezra Miller has talked about his “<a href="https://theconversation.com/whats-a-polycule-an-expert-on-polyamory-explains-195083">polycule</a>” (a network of people in non-monogamous relationships with one another), musician Yungblud has called himself polyamorous, and Shailene Woodley has been in and out of open relationships. </p>
<p>Books like Neil Strauss’s <a href="https://www.textpublishing.com.au/books/the-game">The Game</a> (2005) view sex and relationships as ongoing competitions, requiring varied strategies to effectively land a partner. Instead, The Ethical Slut encourages developing genuine, consensual connections through communication and honesty. Relationships are seen as fluid and open to change, with endings viewed as opportunities for growth and development, not failures. </p>
<p>Rather than teach readers to mimic a social norm that will “win” them sex or relationships, The Ethical Slut pushes readers to think beyond what is “normal”. </p>
<p>Dating apps like <a href="https://feeld.co/">Feeld</a>, <a href="https://polyfinda.com/">PolyFinda</a> and <a href="https://www.okcupid.com/">OkCupid</a> enable individuals to link profiles with their partners, promoting transparency and openness about their relationship status and desire for diverse sexual experiences.</p>
<p>And more books with varied and nuanced takes on non-monogamy have emerged since 1997, such as <a href="https://www.amazon.com.au/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706">More than Two</a>, <a href="https://www.amazon.com.au/Opening-Up-Tristan-Taormino/dp/157344295X">Opening Up</a> and <a href="https://www.amazon.com.au/Many-Love-Memoir-Polyamory-Finding/dp/1501189786">Many Love</a>. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/ethical-non-monogamy-what-to-know-about-these-often-misunderstood-relationships-200785">Ethical non-monogamy: what to know about these often misunderstood relationships</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>A utopian mirage?</h2>
<p>There’s much to appreciate in the messages The Ethical Slut conveys. However, it’s framed with a utopia in mind – one that doesn’t quite exist. </p>
<p>A key aspect of this book is challenging the starvation economy that influences monogamous relationships. In an ideal world, breaking free from this mindset about love and intimacy seems like paradise. The idea of loving more than one person is beautiful, connected and certainly achievable. But it’s also a significant challenge. </p>
<p>For many, longing for love and connection is not just a concept but a real, lived experience. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202212/what-happens-when-you-withhold-emotion-from-your-partner">Withholding affection</a> in relationships can be emotionally abusive and manipulative. It’s essential to recognise non-monogamous people may still be susceptible to – or even perpetuate – these behaviours.</p>
<p>The authors present themselves as spiritually and morally enlightened in their non-monogamous choices and their sexual practices. Monogamy is framed as a negative byproduct of a regressive culture, rather than a genuine choice in its own right. Substance use is severely frowned on, echoing <a href="https://theconversation.com/humans-have-used-drugs-with-sex-for-millennia-the-reasons-are-much-broader-than-you-think-151133">longstanding taboos</a> around the use of drugs in sexual play. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559860/original/file-20231116-25-3bn4n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The Ethical Slut frames monogamy as ‘a negative byproduct of a regressive culture’, rather than a choice.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Cottonbro Studio/Pexels</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The Ethical Slut makes universal assumptions about people’s experiences without considering broader social and personal influences. For instance, the section on flirting assumes a global understanding on what constitutes flirting cues between people. It lacks cultural, gendered and neurodiversity awareness.</p>
<h2>Rejecting sex is not always easy</h2>
<p>The authors assert “being asked [for sex], even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you”. Yet a simple “Thank you, I am not interested” is not always easy. </p>
<p><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407519865615">Research has shown</a> women need to find ways to gently reject cisgender, heterosexual men to avoid violence (like “I have a boyfriend/husband”). And many men often do not take no as an answer. Thanking men for compliments can also lead to further <a href="https://www.stylist.co.uk/people/women-agree-with-compliments-tinder-message-dating-feminista-jones/33760">hostility and aggression</a>.</p>
<p>The authors advocate for women to say yes more, assuming women only say no due to shame and stigma. But the real fear of experiencing violence is a major deterrent. For example, <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-031-14050-1_7">recent research</a> in the UK on recreational sex clubs has found that cisgender, heterosexual men may show sexual interest in trans women, only to immediately become violent with them. </p>
<p>These assumptions are echoed in discussions about barrier methods, sexual health testing, birth control and abortion options. The Ethical Slut assumes everyone has equitable access to sexual health education, and reproductive health services and products.</p>
<p>Yet the overturn of <a href="https://theconversation.com/roe-v-wade-overturned-will-more-americans-travel-to-canada-and-mexico-for-abortions-185563">Roe vs Wade</a> in the US has shown this is not the case. People who experience menstruation and pregnancy are increasingly losing – or never had – those reproductive freedoms. </p>
<h2>Emotions are ‘choices’</h2>
<p>The book envisions an idealised world where emotion and logic unite to challenge social constructs of monogamy, possessiveness and control. It’s underpinned by a belief our <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/science-choice/201712/choose-your-feelings">emotions (including jealousy) are choices</a> we make about life events.</p>
<p>In The Ethical Slut, jealousy is solely attributed to the person experiencing it, overlooking its <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy#:%7E:text=Jealousy%20is%20a%20complex%20emotion,may%20be%20real%20or%20imagined.">complexity in various contexts</a>. Jealousy can be a sign of insecurity, grief or relationship issues, among other things. </p>
<p>Managing jealousy is presented as something an individual needs to address on their own. The book lacks guidance for dealing with partners who might contribute to jealousy by not fulfilling emotional needs, breaking boundaries, failing to communicating effectively, or purposely trying to evoke the feeling. </p>
<p>The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion, ignoring the role of the non-jealous partner. Suggested responses, like “I’m sorry you feel that way, I have to go on my date now”, reaffirm this mindset. </p>
<p>Jealous partners are advised to write journal entries, practice mindfulness or go on a walk to deal with their emotion. In a book about sex that is fundamentally about relations with others, jealousy becomes lost in the hyperfocus on the individual.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/559864/original/file-20231116-21-knacv6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The person experiencing jealousy is held solely responsible for their emotion.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Vera Arsic/Pexels</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The book’s explanation that emotions like jealousy are normal and natural, may emerge unexpectedly and should not be shamed, contradicts the idea that emotions are choices. People don’t necessarily choose to feel grief, anxiety, insecurity or sadness. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/intellectualization">Intellectualising emotions</a> as conscious choices does more <a href="https://www.innermelbpsychology.com.au/defence-mechanisms/">harm than good</a>. </p>
<p>The book also praises <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a42111962/compersion/">compersion</a>, the act of feeling joy at your partner’s happiness – even with other partners – as a positive experience, possible when a partner feels secure. “A lot of us experience jealousy that we don’t want, so compersion can offer a pathway to a better place,” says Easton. Yet the book provides little guidance in how this can be achieved. </p>
<p>Compersion can also be <a href="https://www.polyphilia.blog/polyamory-tip-of-the-day">weaponised</a> against those who experience insecurities, with statements like “if you were really poly/non-monogamous, you’d feel compersion for me”. <a href="https://openrelating.love/compersion/">Some have suggested</a> compersion should be seen as a bonus, not a requirement, in non-monogamy. </p>
<h2>‘A too-perfect picture’</h2>
<p>Non-monogamists may face challenging conversations about emotional needs. The book’s advice assumes a certain level of emotional intelligence, experience and good intentions. It lacks guidance on dealing with emotionally unintelligent partners, malicious intentions, potential abuse, or what to do when conversations go terribly awry. </p>
<p>While I applaud the book’s push towards destigmatising non-monogamy, it paints a too-perfect picture. The odd sense of censorship is even there in its depictions of potential challenges, which seem cherry-picked to demonstrate a sense of ease with the lifestyle. </p>
<p>Stories about managing jealousy come to neat and tidy endings. One example is Janet’s story about falling in love with another partner and having the discussion about it with her “primary” partner. Her primary handles the discussion well and they go on to have a fulfilling relationship. There are few genuinely negative examples. </p>
<p>As a result, The Ethical Slut feels like it’s working to hide any potential downfalls to embracing a non-monogamous lifestyle. But providing examples of where things do not work and how people manage that could be quite useful. </p>
<p>Nevertheless, the book is an important introduction to non-monogamy. Perhaps it’s best used as a stepping stone for deeper exploration.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/207425/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Andrea Waling receives funding from the Australian Research Council and the Commonwealth Department of Health</span></em></p>The publication 25 years ago of The Ethical Slut shattered social norms and stigma about non-monogamy. It’s now sold over 200,000 copies – and continues to be important.Andrea Waling, ARC DECRA Senior Research Fellow in Sex & Sexuality, La Trobe UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2155082023-11-03T12:43:53Z2023-11-03T12:43:53ZWhat is intersectionality? A scholar of organizational behavior explains<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/556869/original/file-20231031-21-gebvyk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=413%2C62%2C2582%2C1782&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Civil rights advocate and legal scholar Kimberle Crenshaw speaks in New York City on Feb. 7, 2015. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/kimberle-crenshaw-speaks-onstage-at-the-3rd-annual-one-news-photo/463097436?adppopup=true">Paul Zimmerman/Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>In modern conversations on race and politics, a popular buzzword has emerged to describe the impact of belonging to multiple social categories. </p>
<p>Known as <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2023/04/19/us/intersectionality-feminism-explainer-cec/index.html">intersectionality</a>, the social theory has a complex history and refers to the <a href="https://theconversation.com/intersectionality-how-gender-interacts-with-other-social-identities-to-shape-bias-53724">intertwining of different identities</a>, such as class, gender and age. It is often applied as a way to understand how individuals may experience multiple forms of prejudice simultaneously. </p>
<p>The theory assumes that meanings associated with one identity are insufficient to explain the experiences associated with multiple, coexisting identities.</p>
<h2>The origins of intersectionality</h2>
<p>The term has its roots in feminist, racial and legal academic literature. </p>
<p>In 1977, the Combahee River Collective, a group of Black feminists, issued the <a href="https://www.loc.gov/item/lcwaN0028151/">Combahee River Collective Statement</a>. The statement introduced the idea that one’s race, sex, sexual orientation and class were subject to different forms of oppression but ought to be examined simultaneously.</p>
<p>The term was formally coined a dozen years later by Columbia Law Professor <a href="https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/2019/5/20/18542843/intersectionality-conservatism-law-race-gender-discrimination">Kimberlé Crenshaw</a>, one of the scholars behind <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/09/20/the-man-behind-critical-race-theory">critical race theory</a>. </p>
<p>That theory comprises a <a href="https://theconversation.com/critical-race-theory-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt-162752">set of concepts</a> that frame racism as structural, rather than simply expressed through personal discrimination. Scholars <a href="https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/cnr/date/2021-05-22/segment/04">such as Crenshaw</a> point to racial discrepancies in educational achievement, economic and employment opportunities and in the criminal justice system as evidence of how racism is embedded in U.S. institutions.</p>
<p>In her <a href="https://chicagounbound.uchicago.edu/uclf/vol1989/iss1/8/">1989 paper</a> “Demarginalizing the Intersection of Race and Sex,” Crenshaw drew upon several legal cases to describe how Black women experience discrimination “greater than the sum of racism and sexism.”</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ROwquxC_Gxc?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">Legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw defines and discusses ‘intersectionality’ – a term she coined in the late 1980s to describe how individuals may experience multiple forms of prejudice simultaneously.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In a speech two years later at the the Center for American Women and Politics Forum for Women State Legislators, Crenshaw <a href="https://heinonline.org/HOL/LandingPage?handle=hein.journals/scal65&div=70&id=&page=">further explained</a> that in order to address “sexual harassment of African American women,” policymakers needed to understand the “intersections of race and gender.”</p>
<p>Today, Crenshaw hosts a podcast titled “<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/intersectionality-matters/id1441348908">Intersectionality Matters!</a>” where she discusses the relevance of intersectionality in the #MeToo movement, the COVID-19 pandemic and other modern topics. She has also <a href="https://time.com/5786710/kimberle-crenshaw-intersectionality/">expressed concern</a> over ways that the term has been distorted amid its politicization. </p>
<h2>Why it matters</h2>
<p>Intersectionality explores how people experience life through multiple coexisting identities. </p>
<p>Outside of intersectionality’s academic origins, there are many debates today over whether it is important for understanding workplace and policy issues.</p>
<p>Organizations are increasingly promoting intersectionality as part of their human resource strategies. For instance, <a href="https://us.pg.com/gender-equality/">Procter & Gamble Co.</a>, a large organization with common household brands such as Tide and Pampers, is one of them. “We’re creating an inclusive, gender-equal environment within P&G, while advocating for gender and intersectional equality in workplaces everywhere,” the company says on its website.</p>
<p>Two large consulting firms, <a href="https://www.mckinsey.com/bem/our-insights/race-in-the-uk-workplace-the-intersectional-experience">McKinsey & Company</a> and <a href="https://www2.deloitte.com/us/en/pages/about-deloitte/articles/dei/intersections-of-identity.html">Deloitte</a>, have also urged corporate clients to gather and analyze data related to their employees’ intersectionality. They argue that further understanding of intersectionality allows for more tailored firm strategies and equitable workplaces. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Hundreds of women are carrying signs during a march in New York City." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/557109/original/file-20231101-21-klhbi6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/557109/original/file-20231101-21-klhbi6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/557109/original/file-20231101-21-klhbi6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/557109/original/file-20231101-21-klhbi6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/557109/original/file-20231101-21-klhbi6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/557109/original/file-20231101-21-klhbi6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/557109/original/file-20231101-21-klhbi6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Demonstrators hold signs during the Women’s March in New York City on Jan. 19, 2019.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/marcher-with-a-sign-that-says-vote-with-intersectionality-news-photo/1199544932?adppopup=true">Ira L. Black/Corbis via Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Applying this guidance, Google created <a href="https://about.google/belonging/at-work/">Self-ID</a> “to build a workforce that’s representative of our users.” Self-ID allows Google employees the option to share identities beyond their race, ethnicity and binary gender with Google management. </p>
<p>In its <a href="https://about.google/belonging/diversity-annual-report/2022/methodology/">2022 Annual Diversity Report</a>, Google described how Self-ID further “helps to make everyone at Google more visible” and encourages a more inclusive workplace.</p>
<p>Yet, these efforts do not come without controversy. </p>
<p>Shortly after the 2020 <a href="https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/racial-bias-trainings-surged-after-george-floyds-death-a-year-later-experts-are-still-waiting-for-bold-change">George Floyd murder</a>, the FBI offered an employee training session on intersectionality. Training materials were obtained by Christopher Rufo, a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute, a conservative think tank, through a <a href="https://christopherrufo.com/p/the-federal-bureau-of-intersectionality">Freedom of Information Act request</a>. The training encouraged employees to reflect on their intersectionality and the role of intersectionality at work. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.foxnews.com/politics/fbi-intersectionality-training">Conservative critics</a> question the role of such training in creating equitable workplaces and argue instead that it encourages claims of racial discrimination and oppression in America. </p>
<h2>The politics of intersectionality</h2>
<p>Some elected officials have voiced support for policies that account for individuals’ intersectionality. In early 2022, for instance, U.S. Rep. <a href="https://www.suffolk.edu/news-features/news/2022/02/25/03/13/ayanna-pressley-speaks-at-ram-inclusion-week">Ayanna Pressley</a>, a Democrat from Massachusetts, explained during a talk at Suffolk University, “We live in intersectionality … and our policies have to reflect that.” </p>
<p>To that end, Pressley introduced in 2023 the <a href="https://pressley.house.gov/2023/06/22/ahead-of-dobbs-anniversary-pressley-colleagues-advocates-unveil-abortion-justice-act/">Abortion Justice Act</a> to provide abortion access to all individuals “regardless of zip code, immigration status, income, or background.” <a href="https://thehill.com/homenews/house/4061259-pressley-decriminalize-abortion-new-legislation/">She described the act</a> as “inclusive and intersectional.”</p>
<p>Yet, other politicians have limited public discussions on intersectionality, especially within schools. </p>
<p>In May 2023, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed into law <a href="https://www.flsenate.gov/Session/Bill/2023/266">Florida Senate Bill 266</a> in his <a href="https://www.npr.org/2023/05/15/1176210007/florida-ron-desantis-dei-ban-diversity">ongoing effort</a> to eliminate state funding for diversity training programs in public schools and universities.</p>
<p>Although the <a href="https://www.chronicle.com/article/diversity-equity-and-inclusion-is-stripped-out-of-floridas-higher-ed-reform-bill">term intersectionality was ultimately removed</a> during revisions of the bill, the new law prohibits teachers from using theories that suggest “systemic racism, sexism, oppression, and privilege are inherent … and were created to maintain social, political, and economic inequalities.” </p>
<p>For Crenshaw, the problem with such anti-woke laws is deeper than a question of censorship, but instead an attack on those “who value a multiracial democracy.”</p>
<p>“The whole point of anti-wokeness is to fundamentally change the story of the continuing relevance of enslavement and segregation,” <a href="https://www.wgbh.org/news/local/2023-07-31/laws-banning-critical-race-theory-in-schools-will-persist-one-of-its-originators-says-its-time-to-address-the-deeper-issue">Crenshaw said</a> on Boston Public Radio in July 2023. “It chills teachers not to teach this material.”</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/215508/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Christina Hymer does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>First used in the 1970s, the social theory known as intersectionality triggered widespread debate on racial identifications and the interplay among categories.Christina Hymer, Assistant Professor of Management and Entrepreneurship, University of TennesseeLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2161412023-10-29T14:00:49Z2023-10-29T14:00:49ZPup Play: Kink communities can help people build connections and improve their body image<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/555438/original/file-20231023-25-o6z8yk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=63%2C34%2C3771%2C2701&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Pup play has its roots within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><iframe style="width: 100%; height: 100px; border: none; position: relative; z-index: 1;" allowtransparency="" allow="clipboard-read; clipboard-write" src="https://narrations.ad-auris.com/widget/the-conversation-canada/pup-play-kink-communities-can-help-people-build-connections-and-improve-their-body-image" width="100%" height="400"></iframe>
<p>In recent years, the world of kink lifestyles and subcultures has gained increasing attention. <a href="https://doi.org/10.34296/01011007">Kink is a general term</a> that includes various expressions of unconventional or non-traditional sexual desires. This encompasses a wide array of practices, including power dynamics, intense sensations/stimuli, role-playing and more. </p>
<p>One such form of role-play that is often misunderstood is known as pup play. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-015-0636-8">Pups are consenting adults</a> who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups. </p>
<p>We are researchers within nutrition and health research with a focus on diverse gender and sexualities. In this project called <a href="https://phillipjoy.ca/about.html">Puppy Philms</a>, we seek to more deeply understand how meanings ascribed to bodies are socially constructed for gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men within the pup community. </p>
<p>For this project, we used a method called cellphilming. The term <a href="https://brill.com/display/book/edcoll/9789463005739/BP000002.xml">cellphilm</a> was coined to describe films made with cell phones. We worked with pups who created cellphilms to learn more about their community, particularly how being a pup might help people navigate body-image concerns.</p>
<p>We recruited 17 self-identifying gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men who are pups across Canada. They attended three workshops and each of them created a cellphilm in which they talked about being a pup and how their body image is shaped in the pup community. </p>
<h2>What is pup play?</h2>
<p>Pup play has <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460719839914">its roots</a> within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture. Alongside the sexual component, pup play is viewed by many to be a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02225-z">social activity</a>.</p>
<p>Studies have demonstrated many reasons why people might participate in kink and BDSM activities. For example, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/15538605.2020.1827476">personal development, self-expression</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2023.2239225">overcoming anxiety, relaxation</a>, and to be more <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2068180">socially comfortable</a>. Kink play may also improve <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460720944594">interpersonal relationships</a>.</p>
<p>The pup community fosters connections and gathers at various <a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/kinky-in-the-digital-age-9780197651513?cc=ca&lang=en&">pup events</a>. These include pup competitions where a designated “play space” allows them to cuddle each other, wag their tails and bark. </p>
<p>Pups often wear pup gear like collars and pup masks or hoods. Some individuals within pup communities take on the role of pup “handlers,” which means they assume a more dominant role within pup play. </p>
<iframe src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/712687870?h=9275b6a350&color=feb500" width="100%" height="360" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; fullscreen; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<h2>Cellphilming</h2>
<p>Cellphilming is an art-based research method and serves as a tool for advocacy that researchers seeking to disrupt traditional roles within research can use. It enables participants to exercise their creativity and <a href="https://books.google.ca/books?hl=en&lr=&id=3VK_DAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PR5&dq=What%E2%80%99sa+cellphilm%3F:+Integrating+mobile+phone+technology+into+participatory+visual+research+and+activism&ots=vvogXRkMd_&sig=L_UFtSHYS_5p6MAVdBz7yVMDbHA#v=onepage&q&f=false">take control and ownership of their narratives</a>, facilitating the expression of ideas that can be more challenging to convey through traditional interviews.</p>
<p>Research becomes an artistic and reflective process. The resulting cellphilms are pieces of art that can create a sense of solidarity among communities while changing social values about gender, sexual orientation and bodies. </p>
<h2>The Puppy Philms Project</h2>
<p>Our <a href="https://doi.org/10.1386/jaah_00101_1">previous work</a> noted that many gay men navigate body-image tensions by identifying within gay subcultures that celebrate bodies that are more diverse than the dominant thin and muscular body standards. We also found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.3167/jbsm.2021.020203">challenging and disrupting</a> dominant ideas about masculinity can be helpful for some men dealing with body-image concerns. </p>
<p>Yet no studies have looked at the relationships between body image and pup communities. With Puppy Philms, we sought to gain a deeper insights into this relationship through <a href="https://phillipjoy.ca/puppyfilms.html">cellphilming</a>. </p>
<h2>Body image and pup play</h2>
<p>Three <a href="https://phillipjoy.ca/puppyfilms-324057.html">findings about pup play</a> and body image emerged from our research. First, participants discussed how the pup community can reinforce body standards for men. As one participant said, “the body expectations for pup communities are not really different from the body expectations from the cis gay man culture.”</p>
<p>However, many participants also felt pup communities were spaces where dominant ideas about men’s body standards and masculinity were changed, lessened or lacking altogether. As another participant noted, “body image doesn’t really matter in the pup community, and that’s sort of the point. Just be a puppy.”</p>
<p>The pup headspace – a state of mindfulness relaxation — has also been associated with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01476-1">therapeutic benefits</a>. Participants reflected on how the process of becoming a pup helped them change their feelings about their bodies and overcome body image concerns. </p>
<p>One participant noted, “…while I’ve got the [pup] mask on and I’m at the events, I don’t tend to think about it. But soon as the mask comes off then I start to think about my body-image issues again.” </p>
<p>Our study sheds light on the positive aspects of the pup community as a social and accepting space, where identifying as a pup represents a sign of resilience and defiance against social norms.</p>
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<p>
<em>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/pow-comics-are-a-way-to-improve-queer-mens-body-image-119582">Pow! Comics are a way to improve queer men's body image</a>
</strong>
</em>
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<h2>Unleashing queer activism</h2>
<p>Participants felt inspired to create their cellphilms and saw them as powerful tools for activism. They aimed to inform the public about pup play and break the stigma surrounding it. </p>
<p>This drive for activism took various forms; some participants submitted their cellphilms to <a href="https://internationalcellphilmfestival.com/reimagining-cellphilm-festival/">film festivals</a>, and others travelled to the United States and Europe to showcase their cellphilms and share their experiences. In collaboration with the participants, we organized community screening events (one in Montreal and an <a href="https://www.zeffy.com/en-CA/ticketing/fcc41259-c9a4-4280-aba4-99df455ec7bb">upcoming one in Toronto</a>), furthering the reach of their narratives.</p>
<p>Participants saw the potential to use their cellphilms for a greater purpose than just this research. As one participant said, “just this possibility of spreading out what we were talking about really stimulates me a lot.” </p>
<p>Artistic activists remind us that <a href="https://artofactivismbook.com">“we can ‘queer’ mass culture by making it say things it was never designed to say, and act in ways it was never meant to act</a>.” Perhaps the participants’ cellphilms can help make our culture more open to diverse bodies, genders and sexualities.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/216141/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Phillip Joy receives funding from Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council </span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Kinda Wassef does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Pup play communities can help tackle problematic ideas about masculinity and provide space for personal development and self-expression.Phillip Joy, Assistant Professor, Applied Human Nutrition, Mount Saint Vincent UniversityKinda Wassef, Research Assistant, Applied Human Nutrition, Mount Saint Vincent UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2155042023-10-12T15:58:32Z2023-10-12T15:58:32ZSex Education: a sex therapist’s advice on having a successful long-distance relationship<p>In the new season of Sex Education, Otis and Maeve, our favourite “will-they-won’t-they” couple (let’s be honest, Ross and Rachel aren’t quite as fun), are taking a chance on love again. However, as ever, things aren’t so easy. This time they have to work out how to be together while apart, as Maeve embarks on a writing course in the US. Yep, they are in an LDR (long-distance relationship).</p>
<p>Typically, LDRs are deemed less successful compared to couples in closer proximity. But being in close proximity doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407504046115">relationship satisfaction</a>. I’ve seen this myself as a sex and relationship therapist, where I frequently encounter clients who, despite living side-by-side, still experience feelings of loneliness and a lack of intimacy with their partners.</p>
<p>And, according to a <a href="https://2date4love.com/long-distance-relationship-statistics/">survey</a> in 2021, 58% of couples in LDRs do manage to sustain a satisfactory lasting relationship. So don’t write them off. And if you’re in one yourself, here are some useful tips on how to negotiate the potential pitfalls of an LDR.</p>
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<h2>1. Texting</h2>
<p>As Maeve and Otis’s relationship unfolds, they quickly learn how to navigate through the dos and don’ts of long-distance dating and communication mishaps. For example, while the duo starts off in a playful texting manner, communication suddenly comes to a halt. How the couple engage next is an example of how texts can be hard to interpret and lead to misunderstandings. </p>
<p>Take the <a href="https://weizmann.esploro.exlibrisgroup.com/esploro/outputs/993347967403596?institution=972WIS_INST&skipUsageReporting=true&recordUsage=false#file-0">question mark</a> for example – it can mean many things. Maeve asks Otis for a sexy picture, a request that goes unanswered so she sends him a “?”. While Maeve is expressing impatience or frustration, feeling like she is being ignored, Otis interprets the text as pressure. While it isn’t her intention, the text contributes to making him feel embarrassed, awkward and under pressure to respond. Same text, different feelings.</p>
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<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/ethical-non-monogamy-what-to-know-about-these-often-misunderstood-relationships-200785?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Ethical non-monogamy: what to know about these often misunderstood relationships</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/five-important-things-you-should-have-learned-in-sex-ed-but-probably-didnt-202177?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Five important things you should have learned in sex ed – but probably didn’t</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/love-languages-might-help-you-understand-your-partner-but-its-not-exactly-science-199040?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">‘Love languages’ might help you understand your partner – but it’s not exactly science</a></em></p>
<hr>
<p>In my experience, there are perhaps better ways of communicating by text. When we don’t have the words, we rely instead on limited <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563215002277?via%3Dihub">textual cues</a> – emoticons, question marks, gifs and so on – which makes it easy for our texts to be misconstrued and sometimes get “lost in translation”. Text messaging in LDRs demand exceptional communication skills. So always be clear about what you need (and how to ask for it) and always communicate openly and honestly about how you feel.</p>
<p>Other texting tips to consider when you are in LDRs:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>Avoid heavy (emotionally loaded) topics by text.</p></li>
<li><p>Minimise ambiguity when texting to avoid misunderstandings.</p></li>
<li><p>Always check in with your emotions and self-regulate before texting your partner.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider time zones and different schedules.</p></li>
<li><p>Communicate frequently.</p></li>
<li><p>Be present and responsive during interactions.</p></li>
<li><p>Organise regular face-to-face meetings to maintain connectedness.</p></li>
</ul>
<h2>2. Understand attachment styles</h2>
<p>Distance can trigger feelings of <a href="https://ijip.in/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/18.01.141.20210903.pdf">jealousy</a> and insecurity. <a href="https://theconversation.com/attachment-theory-what-people-get-wrong-about-pop-psychologys-latest-trend-for-explaining-relationships-195034">Attachment theory</a> provides a valuable framework for understanding the formation of love relationships and what influences how individuals perceive, initiate and maintain romantic connections.</p>
<p>For example, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier, more stable and satisfying relationships. In contrast, <a href="https://newbeginningsfamilycounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Attachment.Style_.Article.docx">fearful-avoidants</a> fear rejection and often hold negative views of both themselves and their partner.</p>
<p>When <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324811134_Staying_Connected_An_Examination_of_Relationship_Maintenance_Behaviors_in_Long-Distance_Relationships">researchers</a> looked at how individuals connect and keep their relationships going, they found something interesting. People who are not so sure about their relationships avoid being close. They don’t express their true feelings or don’t like to talk about themselves in the relationship or don’t give much assurance. Assurance in this context is regarding love and how much you care about someone and the relationship. These <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510363427">maintenance behaviours</a> are necessary for relationship satisfaction and for building trust.</p>
<p>For Otis, <a href="https://digitalcommons.du.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1242&context=etd">trust</a> is an issue as he grapples with a new handsome friend of Maeve’s. Feelings of inadequacy rise. Could his greatest fear be abandonment? And if so, might this explain his <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/241716101_A_relational_uncertainty_analysis_of_jealousy_trust_and_maintenance_in_long-distance_versus_geographically_close_relationships">uncertainty</a> about the status or future of the relationship?</p>
<p>Eventually, Otis opens up about his fears that Maeve is not fully committed and that she might never come back. This is a good example of a couple practising honesty and openly communicating their emotions, ultimately fostering a stronger connection between them. </p>
<h2>3. Creative long-distance sex</h2>
<p>Research has found that sex is beneficial to our <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1948550615616462">wellbeing</a>, whether it is solo or with a partner(s). Yet often the biggest challenge for monogamous couples in LDRs is the lack of physical closeness. </p>
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<p>So, how can LDR couples bridge that gap? Otis and Maeve have a go at phone sex, which they enhance with <a href="http://www.nicola-doering.de/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/D%C3%B6ring_Poeschl_2019_Experiences_Sex_Toys.pdf">sex toys</a>.</p>
<p>Even though couples are not able to actually touch each other, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211043296">technology</a> is incredibly useful in maintaining a sense of togetherness. Many sex toy companies have developed a range of toys for long-distance couples, enabling them to connect interactively to their lover’s device.</p>
<p>In our increasingly interconnected world, it is fair to say, that navigating LDRs can be complex. The success of these relationships hinges on many factors, including the quality of communication, the level of commitment, attachment styles, trust, and the coping strategies adopted by those involved. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, despite occasional challenges and setbacks, Otis and Maeve seem to be handling their long-distance relationship quite well.</p>
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<p><em>Looking for something good? Cut through the noise with a carefully curated selection of the latest releases, live events and exhibitions, straight to your inbox every fortnight, on Fridays. <a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/newsletters/something-good-156">Sign up here</a>.</em></p>
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<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Chantal Gautier does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Long-distance relationships are hard but there are ways to make your connection stronger.Chantal Gautier, Lecturer, Sex and Relationship Therapist, University of WestminsterLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2083342023-10-04T16:16:30Z2023-10-04T16:16:30ZWomen take fewer risks because they think about losing more than men, research suggests<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/550997/original/file-20230928-21-wf9uds.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C3175%2C2080&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/fearless-highliner-walking-on-tight-rope-369170321">Roman Tarasevych/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>One difference between men and women has been well documented by <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0167268111001521">economists</a>, <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-13573-004">psychologists</a> and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40750-014-0020-2">biologists</a> – that women are tend to be more cautious and take fewer risks. Evidence has also been <a href="https://pubs.aeaweb.org/doi/pdfplus/10.1257/aer.101.2.556">gathered</a> about how this difference affects women’s lives, particularly with regard to careers and earnings. </p>
<p>For instance, men are more likely than women to <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1111/jsbm.12080">start a business</a> or invest in the <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165176502000459?pes=vor">stock market</a>. And in the UK, the <a href="https://ifs.org.uk/publications/characteristics-and-incomes-top-1">top 1%</a> of income tax payers are disproportionately male.</p>
<p>But why does this variation in attitude to risk exist? My <a href="https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/bjop.12668">recent research</a> suggests that the reason women are less willing to take risks than men is because they are more sensitive to the pain of any resulting loss.</p>
<p>I realise of course that when people read about claims regarding sex differences in behaviours or psychological attributes, their immediate reaction is to list people they know – including themselves – who don’t fit this pattern. </p>
<p>But these studies are about averages, and there is a huge amount of overlap between the distributions of male and female risk-taking. And there will indeed be large numbers of women who act more riskily than the average man. </p>
<p>So going with the averages, I used psychological data that tracked over 13,000 men and women from the UK for almost two decades, and looked at how they approached risky choices. That is, how they assessed the probability of losing something, and then evaluated how painful that loss would be. </p>
<p>I found that on the whole, women focused more on the possibility of financial loss and anticipated experiencing more pain from those losses. They therefore took fewer risks. </p>
<p>The data I used measured how participants viewed their financial future, as well as their reactions to changes (negative and positive) in household income. </p>
<p>So with something like investing in the stock market, they look at the probability of ending up with a financial loss if the markets fall, and how bad the consequences of this would be. Women were less keen to invest.</p>
<p>And when asked how they saw themselves financially a year from now with expectations about outcomes under the individual’s control, men were significantly more optimistic. (This optimism may be linked to men’s overconfidence about their abilities in the workplace compared to women, which <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0167268117300379?via%3Dihub">previous studies</a> have highlighted.)</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Sky view behind smashed glass." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551199/original/file-20230929-15-b7vwoz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551199/original/file-20230929-15-b7vwoz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551199/original/file-20230929-15-b7vwoz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551199/original/file-20230929-15-b7vwoz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551199/original/file-20230929-15-b7vwoz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551199/original/file-20230929-15-b7vwoz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551199/original/file-20230929-15-b7vwoz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Broken glass.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/sky-background-sunny-blue-seen-through-2209912065">Gergitek Gergi tavan/Shutterstock</a></span>
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<p>These differences in attitude to risk could partly explain why women are less likely to be entrepreneurs, and are underrepresented in highly paid jobs and upper management positions. For while sexual discrimination <a href="https://pubs.aeaweb.org/doi/pdfplus/10.1257/jel.20160995">plays a role</a> in maintaining the glass ceiling, it’s also true that if you really want to make the “big time” financially, you’re going to need to take on some risk. </p>
<h2>Changing behaviour</h2>
<p>As a society then, if we are aiming for equality across the sexes, we may want to encourage women to take as many risks as men. But is it possible to change people’s behaviour – and their psychology – to this extent? </p>
<p>The answer to this question largely depends on whether sex differences in behaviour have biological or environmental roots. For instance, <a href="https://skepticalinquirer.org/2023/06/the-ideological-subversion-of-biology/">one theory</a> is that males and females are born with the propensity to behave in similar ways, meaning any clear differences stem from socialisation and the environment. </p>
<p>And a <a href="https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1808336116">recent study</a> showed how the environment is extremely important in shaping risk aversion, finding that girls from matrilineal cultures – where women tend to have a higher social status than men – often take more risks than girls from patriarchal societies. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, biologists have compiled a long list of differences that have evolutionary origins. One of the <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/brv.12507">most prominent</a> theories indicates that some of the attributes associated with risk-taking – aggression and impulsiveness for example – are derived from the sexual competition between males for access to females (or the resources those females desire). </p>
<p>So both biology and the environment matter. And this in turn suggests that while we may be able to narrow some psychological sex differences, it is unlikely that we can fully close the gap. </p>
<p>That said, we may not even want men and women to have the same approach to risk-taking, if the differences that exist are there for biological, genetic or evolutionary reasons. But this of course leads to enormous challenges in the pursuit of equality – and the clear risks in failing to achieve it.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/208334/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Chris Dawson does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>It’s a difference which can have a big impact on careers and earnings.Chris Dawson, Senior Lecturer (Associate Professor) in Business Economics, University of BathLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2108542023-09-05T17:03:22Z2023-09-05T17:03:22ZFriends with benefits – what a sex and relationship therapist wants you to know<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546245/original/file-20230904-27-fgbqy1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=68%2C0%2C6425%2C3952&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/young-attractive-playfull-couple-peeping-bedsheet-577728763">vgstudio/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>There are many kinds of sexual situations people can get into – everything from committed monogamous relationships to a one-night stand. But friends with benefits (FWB) situations are often still seen as controversial, perhaps because of the potential for heartbreak. </p>
<p>Typically, FWB <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10570310500034154">arrangements</a> involve two people engaging in casual sexual activities without the expectations and constraints often associated with romantic partnerships. Unlike a fling or a hook up there is often an understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume or continue even if the physical relationship ends.</p>
<p>Different types of relationships can serve different purposes. Psychological research into FWB arrangements has shown they can be more complicated than media portrayals <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1632708/">give them credit for</a>. Unlike a fling or a hook up, FWB <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10570310500034154">arrangements</a>, often involve understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume even if the physical relationship ends. </p>
<p>It’s not for everyone. Recognising your relationship preference is key to understanding whether FWB can work for you or not. If you’re trying to decide whether it’s for you, take some time to think about how you approach commitment. Consider, for example, whether you have a strong inclination towards exclusive relationships. </p>
<p><a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-14857-008?doi=1">Research suggests</a> that some people lean towards a committed monogamous relationship while others are comfortable with arrangements across the spectrum of casual and noncommittal arrangement types. </p>
<hr>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/emergency-contraception-heres-what-you-probably-dont-know-but-should-212140?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Emergency contraception: here’s what you probably don’t know but should</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/boundaries-or-coercive-control-experts-explain-how-to-tell-the-difference-209896?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">‘Boundaries’ or coercive control? Experts explain how to tell the difference</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/valentines-day-research-backed-tips-for-dating-app-success-199059?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Research-backed tips for dating app success</a></em></p>
<hr>
<p>FWB relationships tend to fall <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/334575303_Investigating_and_Extending_Variation_among_Friends_with_Benefits_Relationships_Relationship_Maintenance_and_Social_Support">into three camps</a>: best friends, sex only and network opportunities. Sex-only relations for example, focus on the physical aspect, while the motivation for network opportunity relationships revolves around opportunity and access to each other’s social circles. Best friends relationships often enjoy both a physical and platonic connection. </p>
<h2>The benefits</h2>
<p>Research shows many people have a positive experience: it doesn’t always end in disaster. </p>
<p>One of the main perks is that FWB relationships give people <a href="https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/154376484.pdf">sexual freedom</a>, without the constraints of a monogamous romantic partnership. It is like having a trusted partner to experiment with and to enjoy <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01463373.2015.1039719">regular consensual sex</a>, but with <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/288701935_A_quantitative_study_of_friends_with_benefits_relationships#:%7E:text=Developing%20emotional%20complications%20throughout%20the,not%20wanting%20a%20FWBR%20again">greater emotional independence</a>. </p>
<p>FWB setups give partners the <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/258445113_Four_Functions_for_Four_Relationships_Consensus_Definitions_of_University_Students">space and time</a> to explore different relationship styles, as people go through different stages in their lives. For example, one person may be going through a phase where they want more than a one-night stand but are not quite ready for a long-term commitment. </p>
<p>FWB relationships may in fact empower younger women to get their sexual needs met in a way that is similar to men’s ability to do so through casual one-time encounters. Some women report they are more likely to have their sexual needs met in a FWB situation than a hook up. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Two men taking in bed together" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546437/original/file-20230905-19-tn8zta.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546437/original/file-20230905-19-tn8zta.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546437/original/file-20230905-19-tn8zta.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546437/original/file-20230905-19-tn8zta.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546437/original/file-20230905-19-tn8zta.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546437/original/file-20230905-19-tn8zta.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546437/original/file-20230905-19-tn8zta.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">It’s important to manage boundaries with your friend with benefits.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/caucasian-samesex-gay-couple-taking-rest-1668106771">Roman Chazov/Shutterstock</a></span>
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</figure>
<p>For instance, in one study of US university students, young women said FWB was a situation where they were <a href="https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/154376484.pdf">encouraged to express their sexuality</a> and were not “held back” by society’s double standards such as slut shaming. So it can be an important part of people’s sexual and relational development that allows them to explore different parts of themselves. </p>
<h2>The downsides</h2>
<p>Jumping into a FWB is not without its risks. You could end up <a href="https://fincham.info/papers/2013-friends%20after%20fwb-asb.pdf">losing the friendship</a>. Perhaps one person hopes for more than a casual liaison, while the other person wants to <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20336576/">keep things simple</a> and physical. The person who wants a deeper relationship may avoid rocking the boat out of fear <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12307">the arrangement will end</a> if they tell the truth. Those <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/5988340_Negotiating_a_Friends_with_Benefits_Relationship">unequal feelings</a> can end up causing heartache. </p>
<p>It is also worth mentioning that some people may deliberately give their FWB the idea it could lead to commitment so that they can get intimacy as they want. Here are some signs your FWB partner has malicious intentions: </p>
<ul>
<li> coercing you into in sexual acts you’ve expressed reluctance to participate in</li>
<li> refusing to practice safe sex</li>
<li> <a href="https://reportandsupport.kcl.ac.uk/support/what-is-gaslighting">gaslighting</a> (manipulating you into questioning your own sanity or powers of reasoning)</li>
<li> unwillingness to negotiate emotional boundaries.</li>
</ul>
<p>Of course, some cultures <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2010-01935-004.html">reject the idea of</a> non-monogamous relationships. As long as unorthodox relationships such as FWB lack universal recognition, they are vulnerable to stigma and judgement. </p>
<h2>What to keep in mind</h2>
<p>As you spend more time in a FWB relationship, feelings can sneak in when you least expect it, which can hit one person harder than the other. This is one of the most challenging complications of this type of relationship. Some people might avoid these kind of conversations because they might fear it sounds like they’re taking the relationship more seriously than the other. Yet, it is important to know where you stand to avoid <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2012.668513">psychological distress</a>, uncertainty and <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1363/4123109">esteem issues</a>. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="happy black couple playing in bed" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546440/original/file-20230905-15-blvvpl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546440/original/file-20230905-15-blvvpl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546440/original/file-20230905-15-blvvpl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546440/original/file-20230905-15-blvvpl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546440/original/file-20230905-15-blvvpl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546440/original/file-20230905-15-blvvpl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546440/original/file-20230905-15-blvvpl.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Talking straight can help avoid confusion.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/cute-happy-black-couple-playing-bed-1984756220">Rawpixel.com/Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>There is no <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-021-02114-5">no rulebook</a> for how to steer FWBs. But be upfront about your feelings and boundaries and manage expectations. This can help <a href="https://www.academia.edu/72011776/Conceptualizing_the_Friendzone_Phenomenon">minimise misunderstandings</a>. If you discover you both want different things out of the situation, reassess whether it’s time to find a more compatible partnership somewhere else. </p>
<p>Also remember to practice safe sex. <a href="https://www.utpjournals.press/doi/full/10.3138/cjhs.2744">Studies show</a> that when people trust their partner, they are less likely to use condoms. Unprotected sex puts all parties at risk for <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01324.x">STIs and unwanted pregnancies</a>. </p>
<p>Navigating FWB setups can be tricky. From a sex therapist’s point of view, there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to relationships. This arrangement should work as long as you both want the same things.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/210854/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Chantal Gautier does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>While a friends with benefits arrangement has its risks, research has shown it can empower young people to express their sexuality.Chantal Gautier, Lecturer, Sex and Relationship Therapist, University of WestminsterLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2086142023-08-15T09:15:15Z2023-08-15T09:15:15ZThe orgasm gap and why women climax less than men<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/541030/original/file-20230803-29-k3l5ag.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C60%2C6709%2C4396&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Sex isn't just about penetration.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/legs-couple-bed-1086622124">Kaspars Grinvalds/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Imagine a steamy sex scene involving a woman and a man from your favourite television show or movie. It’s likely that both parties orgasm. But this doesn’t reflect reality.</p>
<p>Because during heterosexual sexual encounters, women have far fewer orgasms than men. This is called the orgasm gap. And it has been documented in the <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11930-020-00237-9">scientific literature</a> for more than 20 years. </p>
<p>In one <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28213723/">study</a> of more than 50,000 people, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasm when sexually intimate, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same. </p>
<p><a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/03616843221076410?casa_token=EIMMOZmLRmwAAAAA%3AKmP6abzrDfsJRvoSO5LN9EOWUgnXBZGQepNAw9oFPzf-dZE-T-6g9HU1vScVwyNrNdGEuzaGslo">Research</a> shows that some people believe this gap is because women’s orgasms are biologically elusive. Yet, if this were true, women’s orgasm rates would not differ depending on circumstance. Indeed, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Hite-Report-National-Female-Sexuality/dp/1583225692/ref=sr_1_1?crid=G68WDZ96BFZV&keywords=Hite+report&qid=1691488140&sprefix=hite+repor%2Caps%2C122&sr=8-1">many</a> <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2011.628440">studies</a> show that women orgasm more when alone than with a partner.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/542294/original/file-20230811-4652-hn8w80.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/542294/original/file-20230811-4652-hn8w80.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/542294/original/file-20230811-4652-hn8w80.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/542294/original/file-20230811-4652-hn8w80.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/542294/original/file-20230811-4652-hn8w80.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/542294/original/file-20230811-4652-hn8w80.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/542294/original/file-20230811-4652-hn8w80.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em>This article is part of <a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/womens-health-matters-143335">Women’s Health Matters</a>, a series about the health and wellbeing of women and girls around the world. From menopause to miscarriage, pleasure to pain the articles in this series will delve into the full spectrum of women’s health issues to provide valuable information, insights and resources for women of all ages.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/five-old-contraception-methods-that-show-why-the-pill-was-a-medical-breakthrough-207572">Five old contraception methods that show why the pill was a medical breakthrough
</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/science-experiments-traditionally-only-used-male-mice-heres-why-thats-a-problem-for-womens-health-205963">Science experiments traditionally only used male mice – here’s why that’s a problem for women’s health</a></em></p>
<hr>
<p>At least 92% of women orgasm when pleasuring themselves. Women also orgasm more when having sex in relationships compared with casual sex. In a <a href="https://nyuscholars.nyu.edu/en/publications/orgasm-in-college-hookups-and-relationships">study</a> of more than 12,000 college students, only 10% of the women said they orgasm during first-time hookups while 68% said they orgasm during sex that occurs in a committed relationship. </p>
<p>Women also <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z">orgasm more</a> when having sex with other women. In one <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14616660412331330875">study</a> 64% of bisexual women said that they usually or always orgasm when being sexually intimate with other women. </p>
<h2>Why does this happen?</h2>
<p>In all these scenarios where women are climaxing more, there is a greater focus on <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-clitoris-a-brief-history-196817">clitoral stimulation</a>. The majority of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm – which makes sense given that the clitoris and the penis originate from the same kind of tissue. And both the clitoris and the penis are chock full of touch-sensitive nerve endings and erectile tissue. </p>
<p>In <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Cliterate-Orgasm-Equality-Matters/dp/0062664557/ref=rvi_sccl_4/140-9533092-3796527?pd_rd_w=CRFWT&content-id=amzn1.sym.f5690a4d-f2bb-45d9-9d1b-736fee412437&pf_rd_p=f5690a4d-f2bb-45d9-9d1b-736fee412437&pf_rd_r=PK44YHEX9GFG4VED8TNR&pd_rd_wg=QmJlm&pd_rd_r=0289449b-513a-4ade-ba30-cac1e6ed4d2b&pd_rd_i=0062664557&psc=1">my work</a>, I’ve asked thousands of women: “What is your most reliable route to orgasm?” Only 4% say penetration. The other 96% say clitoral stimulation, alone or paired with penetration.</p>
<p>The main reason for the orgasm gap, then, is that women are not getting the clitoral stimulation they need. And cultural messages about the supremacy of intercourse feed into this. Indeed, countless films, <a href="https://hellogiggles.com/tv-shows-women-orgasm/">TV shows</a>, books and plays portray women <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2017.1332152?casa_token=902PI2QuMXYAAAAA%3AYh7bCZV7QyaAja715u13wPWv-F3aZkcS6R0gVJDlVag8lD9JG_FsHOvxl4_EnW_rISFvNNAj6UI">orgasming from intercourse alone</a>. </p>
<p>Popular men’s <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19523926/4-sex-positions-that-guarantee-her-orgasm/">magazines</a> also give advice on intercourse positions to bring women to orgasm. And while some of the positions do include clitoral stimulation, the message is still that intercourse is the central and most important sexual act.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Two women in bed together." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/541031/original/file-20230803-29-pvbxh2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/541031/original/file-20230803-29-pvbxh2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541031/original/file-20230803-29-pvbxh2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541031/original/file-20230803-29-pvbxh2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541031/original/file-20230803-29-pvbxh2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541031/original/file-20230803-29-pvbxh2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541031/original/file-20230803-29-pvbxh2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Women are much more likely to orgasm from same-sex encounters.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-two-women-1215709/"> pixels/mahrael boutros</a></span>
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<p>The language used in these articles – and in the culture as a whole – reflects and perpetuates this overvaluing of intercourse. We use the words “sex” and “intercourse” as if they are the same. We relegate the clitoral stimulation that comes before intercourse as “foreplay”, implying it is a lesser form of sex. </p>
<p><a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11930-020-00237-9">Multiple studies</a> have demonstrated that such messages give the idea that sex should proceed as follows: foreplay (just to get the woman ready for intercourse), intercourse, male orgasm and sex over. In this version of sex, it’s the man’s job to “give” a woman an orgasm by lasting a long time and thrusting hard. </p>
<p>No wonder <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2017.1283484">research</a> finds that men feel more masculine when their partner orgasms during intercourse. And, it’s no surprise that <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-013-0212-z">women fake orgasms</a>, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224490903171794">primarily during intercourse</a>, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2013.838934">to protect their partner’s egos</a>. </p>
<p>Indeed, studies suggest that between <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-013-0212-z">53%</a> to <a href="https://journals.ekb.eg/article_29394.html">85%</a> of women admit to faking an orgasm. Some <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-019-01510-2">research</a> indicates that the majority of women have faked at least once in their lifetime.</p>
<h2>Closing the gap</h2>
<p>There is hope though, because given that cultural factors are responsible for the orgasm gap, changing how we view sex and intercourse will help to improve women’s sexual experiences. Indeed, <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919305604?via%3Dihub">educating</a> people on the fact that women don’t have a <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=iaXrAgAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA99&ots=etC2y_CwaZ&sig=7SzjXzrkutfYuPnB9YIGeIHmnBE#v=onepage&q&f=false">limited biological capacity for orgasm</a> is important. Likewise, education for both men and women about the clitoris could be a game-changer. </p>
<p>Still, such knowledge alone is unlikely to close the orgasm gap on a personal level. According to a chapter in a <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Principles-Practice-Sex-Therapy-Sixth/dp/1462543391/ref=sr_1_5?crid=ZODK2JIGHTZO&keywords=Sex+therapy&qid=1689803436&sprefix=sex+therapy+%2Caps%2C102&sr=8-5&ufe=app_do%3Aamzn1.fos.18ed3cb5-28d5-4975-8bc7-93deae8f9840">sex therapy textbook</a>, women need skills to put this knowledge into practice. This means women must be encouraged to masturbate to learn what they want sexually. And this needs to be coupled with training in communication so they can share this information with partners. </p>
<p>Women need to feel entitled to pleasure and empowered to get the same type of stimulation alone as with a partner. This means heterosexual couples’ must rid themselves of the old script that calls for foreplay followed by intercourse after which sex is over.</p>
<p>Instead, they can take turns having orgasms using oral sex or manual stimulation where she orgasms followed by intercourse. Alternatively, women can touch themselves with hands or a vibrator during intercourse. </p>
<p><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19453881/">Research</a> shows that women who use vibrators have more orgasms. And because many women worry about how they look during sex or if they are pleasing their partner, <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31570137/">research</a> shows that mindfulness can help, too.</p>
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<img alt="Vibrators and sex toys on pink background." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/541032/original/file-20230803-27-d46oqe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/541032/original/file-20230803-27-d46oqe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541032/original/file-20230803-27-d46oqe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541032/original/file-20230803-27-d46oqe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541032/original/file-20230803-27-d46oqe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541032/original/file-20230803-27-d46oqe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/541032/original/file-20230803-27-d46oqe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Women are more likely to experience orgasms when using a vibrator.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/sex-toys-5187378/"> Pexels/anna shvets</a></span>
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<p>But orgasm equality is about so much more than quality sex. Multiple women have told me that once they felt empowered in the bedroom, they were more confident in the rest of their life. </p>
<p>Importantly, according to <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0361684320917395?casa_token=Vy8RNRR1p_oAAAAA%3A47r5DQh2M1CkFNZxj4i0kiH6bobsX8JgyNY7xxbXdifhnoQkbuOOlgda1DRP6kAaSl4V2SUioOk">one study</a>, feeling entitled to pleasure increases a woman’s agency in telling partners what they want sexually and their agency in protecting themselves sexually. </p>
<p>Indeed, the study found that feeling entitled to sexual pleasure increased women’s confidence in both refusing to do sexual acts they were not comfortable with and using protection against both pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. </p>
<p>According to another <a href="https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/full/10.2105/AJPH.2019.305320">article</a> on sex education and pleasure by two US health researchers, when young people learn that sex should be pleasurable, they may be less likely to use it in manipulative and harmful ways. So teaching that sex is about pleasure for both partners, rather than something done to women for men’s pleasure, might also help to decrease levels of sexual violence. </p>
<p>Clearly, teaching about women’s pleasure will do more than increase orgasm rates.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/208614/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Laurie Mintz does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Women have fewer orgasms than men. But this gap is cultural, not biological. Closing it is possible, both on a societal and personal level.Laurie Mintz, Emeritus Professor of Psychology, University of FloridaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2109682023-08-08T18:43:14Z2023-08-08T18:43:14ZIgnore the politics – many parents want to work with schools on sexuality education<p>Relationship and sexuality education has, yet again, become a political talking point ahead of this year’s election. </p>
<p>National Party deputy leader Nicola Willis recently <a href="https://www.thenews.co.nz/news/national-leaders-hold-public-meeting/">told a public meeting</a> that sex education was a job for her and her husband, “based on our values and our views of the world […] I want my education system focused on teaching my children how to read, how to write and how to do maths”.</p>
<p>While Willis may have had a receptive audience, interviews with parents of children between the ages of 11 and 14 show she may be in the minority. As contentious as the topic can be, many parents want to work with schools to educate their children about relationships and sexuality. </p>
<p><a href="https://ir.canterbury.ac.nz/items/4c2d8c40-a845-449f-bf17-fffd0cb61158">My research</a> offers a glimpse into just how complicated, yet important, the topic of sexuality education can be – and why it it so vital we ensure all young people have access to quality relationships and sexuality education.</p>
<h2>From sex to sexuality education</h2>
<p>For much of the 20th century, sex education in New Zealand centred on population control and Christian moral norms. </p>
<p>It wasn’t until 1985 that sex education became part of the school curriculum. But parents were able to pull their children out of the classes, pointing to a general acceptance that sex education was a controversial topic. With the scare of HIV/AIDS, classes focused on physical aspects of sex and how to practice safe sex. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/five-important-things-you-should-have-learned-in-sex-ed-but-probably-didnt-202177">Five important things you should have learned in sex ed – but probably didn't</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
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<p>In 1999, <a href="https://teara.govt.nz/en/sexualities/page-3">sex education became sexuality education</a>. The shift was meant to introduce a more holistic view of the topic, which includes physical, social, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects. This was much broader than sex education, which related only to the physical aspects of sexual and reproductive knowledge. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.nzshs.org/recommended-research-publications/212-sexuality-education-guide-2015/file">A 2015 guide</a> from the Ministry of Education said sexuality education should take a “positive view of sexual development as a natural part of growing up”. This frames sexuality first and foremost as a source of human potential and pleasure.</p>
<p>Since then, the curriculum has evolved and broadened further – with sexuality education becoming <a href="https://parents.education.govt.nz/primary-school/learning-at-school/sexuality-education/">relationships and sexuality education</a> (RSE). </p>
<p>Introduced in 2020, RSE starts from year one and includes learning to be a good friend, sense of identity, how we care for other people, and consent. Older students develop knowledge and skills to negotiate positive intimate relationships and to critique media messages harmful to wellbeing. </p>
<p><div data-react-class="Tweet" data-react-props="{"tweetId":"1406742621704253441"}"></div></p>
<h2>The contested ground of sexuality education</h2>
<p>My research examined the complicated and evolving role of the parent as sexuality educator – particularly in the digital age. But I also looked at how parents felt about the role of schools in teaching children about sexuality. </p>
<p>International research has found that <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/340977935_Sexualities_Education">teachers overestimate parental opposition</a> to
sexuality education. </p>
<p>In New Zealand, conservative and religious lobby groups, as well as some media, frame <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love-sex/88351652/leave-sex-education-to-parents-no-thanks">parents and schools in opposition to each other</a> over who is the “best” provider of sexuality education. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/i-always-get-horny-am-i-not-normal-teenage-girls-often-feel-shame-about-pleasure-sex-education-needs-to-address-this-159543">'I always get horny ... am I not normal?': teenage girls often feel shame about pleasure. Sex education needs to address this</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
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<p>But the parents who participated in my small group interviews were, in fact, supportive of relationship and sexuality education in schools. As one parent said:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>There is a role for schools to play in the sexual education of children, but there’s also a role that parents play. And it’s defining where and how the two work together.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Another parent commented:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I’ve always seen teachers as an extension of parenting, personally. So if my child can come and ask me something I’d like to believe that they could go and ask a teacher the same.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>A third parent highlighted the importance of the classroom setting:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I actually think it’s really good for kids to be sitting in a room with kids their own age […] all hearing the same thing and talking about it to each other and just demystifying it.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>These parents also understood how important it was to ensure young people have multiple sources of sexuality education – both at home and in the classroom.</p>
<p>One parent discussed just how lacking her own sex education had been harmful: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Talking about the good stuff would have really helped me with those bad decisions. It would have been like, “Yeah, actually this isn’t supposed to hurt. This is supposed to be nice.” Because I didn’t talk about it with anyone, so I didn’t have anyone telling me, actually it’s not supposed to be like that. </p>
</blockquote>
<p>While supportive of sexuality education in schools, parents wanted schools to consult more so parents could understand what was being taught. </p>
<p>A 2018 <a href="https://ero.govt.nz/our-research/promoting-wellbeing-through-sexuality-education">Education Review Office report</a> found only 25% of schools were rated “good” at connecting with their communities on the relationships and sexuality curriculum. The majority of schools tended to use surveys with low response rates from parents.</p>
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<h2>What young people want</h2>
<p>During separate research I did for the the new app <a href="https://www.beyondthebirdsandbees.co.nz/">Te Puāwaitanga: Beyond the Birds and the Bees</a>, young people told us they wanted a safe, reliable platform to access information and open up conversations about sexual health, relationships, gender and sexuality. </p>
<p>In the absence of open discussions at home on relationships and sexuality, friends or pornography become the default sex educator. <a href="https://www.beehive.govt.nz/sites/default/files/2020-12/Classification%20Office-4.pdf">Research from the Classification Office</a> found one in four New Zealanders first see porn
by age 12, and most are not seeking it out when they first see it. A majority of
young people (75%) have seen porn by age 17.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/schools-urgently-need-to-tackle-rape-culture-by-educating-pupils-about-online-world-158159">Schools urgently need to tackle rape culture by educating pupils about online world</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
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<p>Many of the young people we spoke with said they have limited opportunities to talk to their parents about sexuality and so school becomes a safe space. School is also a place for them to hear a range of views about relationships, sex and diverse sexualities.</p>
<p>As one student said:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I trust my parents to tell me what they think, but school allows us to hear what other people think.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>In a complex world, relationships and sexuality education aims to give young people the critical skills to navigate the uncertainty around them. It needs to be a combination deal with parents and schools working together. </p>
<p>But this can only happen after listening to the voices of young people. After all, isn’t education about relationships and sexuality meant for them in the first place?</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/210968/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Tracy Clelland received a Lotteries Grant to undertake research for Te Puāwaitanaga: Beyond the Birds and Bees.</span></em></p>A vocal minority is calling for sexuality education to be pulled from schools. But my research shows many parents and young people want and need safe places to discuss relationships and sex.Tracy Clelland, Lecturer in Health Education, University of CanterburyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2107362023-08-02T15:21:43Z2023-08-02T15:21:43ZDid the Romans and Greeks really enjoy orgies?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540463/original/file-20230801-27-hrt45z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C2%2C1920%2C1261&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Helen Mirren playing Caesonia in Tinto Brass' 1979 historical drama film, _Caligula_ .</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Orgies conjure in our imagination the world of Greek and Roman Antiquity, thanks to more or less titillating films portraying debauched emperors, or maybe specifically Fellini’s Satyricon. The term is also used today to signify all sorts of excess. For us, the orgy stands for the ultimate celebration of the pleasures of the flesh, in an ancient world free from moral constraint. But what were they like in reality?</p>
<h2>From <em>orgia</em> to orgies</h2>
<p>The word comes to us from the Greek <em>orgia</em>. This denotes rites practised in honour of gods such as Dionysus, whose cult celebrates the regeneration of nature. It concerns so-called mystery cults – that’s to say, those limited to initiates, men and women, previously sworn to not divulge their secrets.</p>
<p>The term <em>orgia</em> suggests passion and thrill. Orgiastic rites – little known about because of the mystery surrounding them – could involve brandishing objects of a sexual form, in the course of ecstatic and violent displays which aimed to reach a <a href="https://www.arkhe-editions.com/magazine/le-mythe-de-lorgie-romaine/">state of collective stupor</a>.</p>
<p>But it was only after 1800, over the course of the 19th century and notably in French literature, that the orgy took the meaning of group sexual practices, most often associated with excesses of alcohol and food. Flaubert conceives in his tale Smarh, written in 1839, “A night-time festivity, an orgy full of naked women, beautiful like Venus”.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540465/original/file-20230801-21-ji750q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540465/original/file-20230801-21-ji750q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540465/original/file-20230801-21-ji750q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540465/original/file-20230801-21-ji750q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540465/original/file-20230801-21-ji750q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540465/original/file-20230801-21-ji750q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540465/original/file-20230801-21-ji750q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Woman and man on a coach between a flute player and a servant. Ceramic, 6th century BC.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Archaeological Museum, Corinth. Wikipedia</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Prostitutes… and fish</h2>
<p>An orgy, properly defined, is not, however, a modern invention. Banquets mixing gastronomy and erotic delight are familiar in classical texts. Thus in the 4th century BC, the Greek orator Aeschines, in his <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/orateurs/eschine/timarque.htm">speech against Timarchus</a>, accuses his enemy of having surrendered to “the most shameful vices” and “everything which a free nobleman shouldn’t let himself get subsumed by”.</p>
<p>What were these forbidden pleasures? Timarchus invites home flute players and other reprobate women, and dines with them. We figure out that the flautists weren’t there simply as artists, picked solely for their musical talent, but young prostitutes primed to satisfy diners’ sexual demands.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540468/original/file-20230801-18-7hqfx6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540468/original/file-20230801-18-7hqfx6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=270&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540468/original/file-20230801-18-7hqfx6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=270&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540468/original/file-20230801-18-7hqfx6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=270&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540468/original/file-20230801-18-7hqfx6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=340&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540468/original/file-20230801-18-7hqfx6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=340&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540468/original/file-20230801-18-7hqfx6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=340&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Greek banquet with young men gathered together, teased by a flute player wearing a transparent tunic. Mixing bowl, around 400BC, Kunsthistorisches Museum, Vienna.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://khm.at/de/objektdb/detail/58183">Wikimedia</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>As well as picking up courtesans, eating very expensive fish was a detail particularly noted by 4th century BC orators. Demosthenes links these two aspects of debauchery together in his False Embassy oration.</p>
<p>In 346 BC, the city of Athens had sent ambassadors to King Philip II of Macedon, who was threatening Greece with his troops. But the ruler had corrupted some of the Athenian ambassadors, to the point that they supported his imperial ambitions.</p>
<p>One of these envoys, who had been bought by the Macedonian king, is accused by Demosthenes of squandering his ill-gotten gains on “prostitutes and fish”. A double dose of gluttony, <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/orateurs/demosthene/ambassade.htm">both carnivorous and carnal</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540470/original/file-20230801-16611-v5y65s.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540470/original/file-20230801-16611-v5y65s.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=594&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540470/original/file-20230801-16611-v5y65s.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=594&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540470/original/file-20230801-16611-v5y65s.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=594&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540470/original/file-20230801-16611-v5y65s.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=746&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540470/original/file-20230801-16611-v5y65s.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=746&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540470/original/file-20230801-16611-v5y65s.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=746&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A fresco in the Roman city of Herculaneum, showing an orgy.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Roman debauches</h2>
<p>Roman historians also described sumptuous feasts, pairing sex and food. In the decade 89-80BC, the tyrant Sylla was the first Roman political leader to convene erotic drinking parties. He would have taken the concept from the Greek East, where he had been waging a military campaign. Sylla caroused until the morning with comic actors, musicians and mime artists, <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/historiens/Plutarque/sylla.htm">Plutarch writes (Life of Sylla, 36)</a>.</p>
<p>Erotic dancing was one of the courtesan’s additional skills, and likewise it wasn’t rare that prostitutes turned to mime artistry. They writhed while sometimes simulating sex acts.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540478/original/file-20230801-16682-v5y65s.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540478/original/file-20230801-16682-v5y65s.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=339&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540478/original/file-20230801-16682-v5y65s.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=339&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540478/original/file-20230801-16682-v5y65s.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=339&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540478/original/file-20230801-16682-v5y65s.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=426&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540478/original/file-20230801-16682-v5y65s.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=426&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540478/original/file-20230801-16682-v5y65s.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=426&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Trimalchio’s dinner party, a scene from <em>Fellini’s Satyricon</em>, 1969.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The Latin historian Suetonius portrays Tiberius as the archetypal debauched Emperor. In his palace at Capri, he staged daringly pornographic spectacles. He had enlisted a company of young actors who before his very eyes engaged in sex acts called <em>spintriae</em> – a Latin term, very likely from the Greek <em>sphinkter</em> (anus), <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/historiens/suetone/tibere.htm">suggesting a daisy chain</a> (Life of Tiberius, 43)</p>
<p>Caligula, Tiberius’s successor, would, according to Suetonius, sleep with his sisters, in view of his guests (Life of Caligula, 24). Incestuous and exhibitionist, he thus broke two Roman taboos at once. He would also display his wife Caesonia on horseback, dressed as a warrior, or alternatively completely nude. A willing accomplice in her husband’s foibles, the Empress would have particularly enjoyed these <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/historiens/suetone/caligula.htm">special sessions</a>, because she was, Suetonius claims, “lost to debauchery and vice” (Life of Caligula, 25).</p>
<p>Some 20 years later, the Emperor Nero “made his parties last from midday to midnight,” Suetonius writes (Life of Nero, 27). <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/historiens/suetone/neron.htm">All the senses needed to be sated</a> in the course of these long feasts. They were symphonies of food, music and pliant bodies – to look at or to ravish – while slaves made flowers rain down from the ceiling and filled the air with perfume.</p>
<p>During a feast of the Emperor Elagabal in around AD 220, guests were suffocated to death <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/historiens/histaug/heliogabale.htm">“and</a> <a href="https://remacle.org/bloodwolf/historiens/histaug/heliogabale.htm">were unable to break free”</a> if one believes the author of the <em>Historia Augusta</em> (<em>Life of Antoninus Heliogabalus</em>).</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540479/original/file-20230801-19-24vmqh.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540479/original/file-20230801-19-24vmqh.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540479/original/file-20230801-19-24vmqh.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540479/original/file-20230801-19-24vmqh.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540479/original/file-20230801-19-24vmqh.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=616&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540479/original/file-20230801-19-24vmqh.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=616&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540479/original/file-20230801-19-24vmqh.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=616&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Banquet scene, fresco from Pompeii, 1st century AD.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>But these decadent banquets were no more commonplace during the Roman Empire than they are <a href="https://www.lemonde.fr/series-d-ete/article/2020/08/12/sexe-et-pouvoir-le-cafardeux-rite-bunga-bunga-de-silvio-berlusconi_6048738_3451060.html">today</a>. There’s no doubt about the meaning of these descriptions of orgies by ancient authors. There’s always a moral purpose: <a href="https://theconversation.com/manger-boire-et-vomir-dans-la-rome-antique-153913">condemn “debauchery”</a>, in the name of moderation and temperance.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540480/original/file-20230801-28-39bhir.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540480/original/file-20230801-28-39bhir.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=465&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540480/original/file-20230801-28-39bhir.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=465&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540480/original/file-20230801-28-39bhir.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=465&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540480/original/file-20230801-28-39bhir.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=584&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540480/original/file-20230801-28-39bhir.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=584&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540480/original/file-20230801-28-39bhir.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=584&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Banquet in Nero’s Palace. Illustration by Ulpiano Checa from Henryk Sienkiewicz’s novel <em>Quo Vadis?</em> around 1910.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quo_vadis_%3F_(roman)#/media/Fichier:Banquet_in_Nero's_palace_-_Ulpiano_Checa_y_Sanz.jpg">Wikimedia</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Christian denunication</h2>
<p>The Christianisation of the Roman Empire only reinforced this moral perspective. There’s a good example in <a href="http://www.clerus.org/clerus/dati/2004-05/14-6/S_DETAC7.html">St. Augustine</a>’s work (16th Sermon, on the beheading of John the Baptist).</p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540482/original/file-20230801-20-8nj6bw.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540482/original/file-20230801-20-8nj6bw.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=889&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540482/original/file-20230801-20-8nj6bw.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=889&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540482/original/file-20230801-20-8nj6bw.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=889&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540482/original/file-20230801-20-8nj6bw.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1117&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540482/original/file-20230801-20-8nj6bw.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1117&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540482/original/file-20230801-20-8nj6bw.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1117&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Poster for the film <em>Babylon</em>, Damien Chazelle, 2022.</span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The portrayal of Herod Antipas, the ruler of Galilee’s banquet, with food piled high, underlines the gluttony of the guests. Augustine adds a depravity which is entirely Satan’s work. Herod asks <a href="https://theconversation.com/salome-itineraire-dune-jeune-fille-impudique-155245">his great-niece Salome to dance for him</a>. The baleful young woman, after revealing her breasts in the course of her frenetic dancing, demands in return for her favour the head of John the Baptist, served on a platter.</p>
<h2>From Rome to Babylon</h2>
<p>Breaking with classical texts, Damien Chazelle’s film Babylon confronts the viewer with <a href="https://madame.lefigaro.fr/celebrites/cinema/grandeur-decadence-orgies-et-magie-babylone-ou-la-declaration-d-amour-grandiose-de-damien-chazelle-au-cinema-20230116">a huge orgy scene</a> without casting clear moral judgement over it.</p>
<p>That’s perhaps one reason that reactions have been strongly polarised, between detractors calling it an outrageous film, and admirers hailing <a href="https://www.marianne.net/culture/cinema/babylon-de-damien-chazelle-un-miracle-a-hollywood">a miraculous “visual orgy”</a>.</p>
<hr>
<p><em>Translation from French to English by <a href="https://twitter.com/JoshNeicho">Joshua Neicho</a>.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/210736/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Christian-Georges Schwentzel ne travaille pas, ne conseille pas, ne possède pas de parts, ne reçoit pas de fonds d'une organisation qui pourrait tirer profit de cet article, et n'a déclaré aucune autre affiliation que son organisme de recherche.</span></em></p>Following a number of films featuring debauched emperors, it is nowadays commonplace to associate the Greek-Roman antiquity with orgies. But is this historically accurate?Christian-Georges Schwentzel, Professeur d'histoire ancienne, Université de LorraineLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2085532023-07-24T19:54:44Z2023-07-24T19:54:44ZWhat to expect when you’re expecting: How will your sex life change during pregnancy and postpartum?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538886/original/file-20230724-23-sj2thq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=142%2C0%2C7499%2C5190&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">The perinatal period can be hectic. It's understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><iframe style="width: 100%; height: 100px; border: none; position: relative; z-index: 1;" allowtransparency="" allow="clipboard-read; clipboard-write" src="https://narrations.ad-auris.com/widget/the-conversation-canada/what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting-how-will-your-sex-life-change-during-pregnancy-and-postpartum" width="100%" height="400"></iframe>
<p>Welcoming a new baby is often a joyous experience for couples. While many couples take time to prepare for the arrival of their bundle of joy, fewer take time to prepare for challenges that can emerge in their sexual and romantic relationships during this period. </p>
<p>At The University of British Columbia’s <a href="https://swelllab.psych.ubc.ca/">Sexuality and Well-Being Lab (SWell)</a>, we conduct research to understand the factors that lead some couples to thrive during pregnancy and the postpartum while others struggle. We then use this research to develop resources to help couples navigate these changes together.</p>
<h2>What to expect</h2>
<p>Sexual challenges during pregnancy and the postpartum are common. Up to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-021-00313-8">88 per cent of people who give birth and 45 per cent of their partners experience problems with their sex life during this time</a>. </p>
<p>With shifting roles and responsibilities, the perinatal period (pregnancy and up to one year postpartum) can be hectic. It’s understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while. </p>
<p>Studies conducted by our team and <a href="https://natalieorosen.com/">our collaborators at Dalhousie University</a> have shown that many expectant and new parents <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000689">desire sex less often and/or at different times than their partner</a>. </p>
<p>Many couples report having <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1836114">distressing concerns about their sex life</a>, such as body image or whether having sex during pregnancy will hurt the baby — <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/in-depth/sex-during-pregnancy/art-20045318#:%7E:text=Sexual%20activity%20won't%20affect,of%20comfort%20and%20sexual%20desire.">FYI, it won’t</a>. Approximately one in five people who gave birth <a href="https://doi.org/10.1097%2FAOG.0000000000004662">report moderate pain during sex that either starts in pregnancy or after the baby is born</a>. </p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000689">Sexual problems usually get worse throughout pregnancy until three months postpartum</a>, when they generally start improving.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A pregnant woman lying on her back and a smiling man lying beside her with his hand on her belly" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538887/original/file-20230724-27-lwti2r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538887/original/file-20230724-27-lwti2r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538887/original/file-20230724-27-lwti2r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538887/original/file-20230724-27-lwti2r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538887/original/file-20230724-27-lwti2r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538887/original/file-20230724-27-lwti2r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538887/original/file-20230724-27-lwti2r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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<p>If this seems daunting, you’ll be encouraged to hear that despite sexual challenges being common, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-021-00313-8">64 per cent of couples say that they are still sexually satisfied during this time</a>. </p>
<p>This is great news because <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2011.00408.x">having a strong sexual connection with your partner is important for your mental and physical health</a>, and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.2.339">contributes to the longevity of your relationship</a>. </p>
<h2>The information gap</h2>
<p>Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives. In <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2023.2193570">a recent study</a> sampling 204 couples across Canada and the United States, we found that up to 78 per cent of expectant and new parents received little to no information about changes to their sexuality. This is despite most individuals wanting to receive sex-related information! </p>
<p>Given that sexual problems are common and not inconsequential to the health of the romantic relationship, this lack of information for couples about what to expect regarding their perinatal sexuality is a problem.</p>
<p>On top of this information gap, the content of information that couples receive doesn’t match what they want to receive. </p>
<p>In our study, we found that expectant and new parents most often received information about things like safety of sexual activity in pregnancy, contraception, when to resume sex in the postpartum and information only relevant to the partner who gave birth. </p>
<p>What’s missing is reassurance that changes to sexuality are common and advice on how to manage changes. Information about the sexuality of the partner who didn’t give birth is also lacking, even though <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-021-00313-8">both members of the couple are affected</a>. Expectant and new parents <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2023.2193570">want a variety of information to help them be better prepared.</a></p>
<p>Research has also revealed that psychological factors such as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/abm/kaaa117">postpartum depression</a>, social factors such as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X15604343">divisions of labour</a> and relationship factors such as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221107393">coping together as a couple</a> are important for couples’ sexual relationships in pregnancy and the postpartum. </p>
<p>Perhaps surprisingly, biological factors — such as whether the delivery was vaginal or caesarean, and the degree of tearing — <a href="https://doi.org/10.1097%2FAOG.0000000000004662">are not strong predictors of sexual problems during this time</a>. </p>
<h2>Translating knowledge into practice</h2>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/jmwh.13206">Health-care professionals feel they have a lack of knowledge and training to talk about sexual health with expectant and new parents</a>, and worry that doing so would make them and/or their patients feel uncomfortable. However, our research showed that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2023.2193570">most couples would welcome these conversations</a>. </p>
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<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/n0iLT_1jJCw?wmode=transparent&start=2" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">Researchers at Dalhousie University have made a series of videos that summarize recent research on sex after having a baby.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Health-care professionals need training on how to initiate conversations about perinatal sexual health with expectant and new parents, but they also need to know the latest research in this area.</p>
<p>Researchers at Dalhousie University recently produced <a href="https://postbabyhankypanky.com/">a series of short informational videos</a> that summarize recent research on sex after having a baby. The goal of #PostBabyHankyPanky is to normalize changes to postpartum sexuality, encourage conversations about sex between partners and help health-care professionals feel more prepared to have these discussions with their patients. </p>
<p>If you’re a new or expectant parent and you’ve been noticing changes in your relationship, here’s some good news: Our research shows that when couples receive more information about what to expect regarding changes to their sex lives in pregnancy or the postpartum (like what you’ve read here) they report greater desire, engage in sex more often, feel more sexually satisfied and feel less worried about their sex lives.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/208553/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Erin T. Fitzpatrick receives funding from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada and the Guiding Interdisciplinary Research on Cisgender and Transgender Women and Girl’s Health and Well-being (GROWW) program. </span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Dr. Samantha Jane Dawson works for the University of British Columbia. She receives funding from the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council, the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council, the Women's Health Research Institute, and the Michael Smith for Health Research BC foundation. </span></em></p>Sexual challenges during pregnancy and postpartum are common, but couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives during this time. The good news is that information helps.Erin T. Fitzpatrick, Master's Student in Clinical Psychology, University of British ColumbiaSamantha Jane Dawson, Assistant Professor, Clinical Psychology, University of British ColumbiaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2099792023-07-18T22:53:35Z2023-07-18T22:53:35ZBig W has withdrawn Welcome to Sex from its stores to protect staff – but teen sex education can keep young people safe<p>Teaching young people about gender, sex and sexuality has long been controversial. </p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=766&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=766&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=766&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=963&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=963&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538047/original/file-20230718-25-h2oe2.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=963&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<p>The most recent debate is over Dr Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes’ <a href="https://www.hardiegrant.com/au/publishing/bookfinder/book/welcome-to-sex-by-melissa-kang/9781760509538">Welcome to Sex: Your no-silly-questions guide to sexuality, pleasure and figuring it out</a>, which has been withdrawn from sale at <a href="https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/teens/anger-intensifies-over-welcome-to-sex-book-in-big-w-and-target/news-story/8d87194408908c18b2cccd14c73ac4db">Big W</a> stores this week, after “multiple incidents of abuse” of its staff by angry critics of the book. However, Big W “stands by” Welcome to Sex, which it calls “educational, age-appropriate and inclusive”. The department store will continue to sell it online.</p>
<p>Two sides to the debate are playing out. </p>
<p>One side <a href="https://www.skynews.com.au/australia-news/disgusting-big-w-blasted-for-selling-sick-sexual-book-written-for-children-by-melissa-kang-and-abcs-yumi-stynes/news-story/4f609491783ea9c788a1e62e7c7e1798">argues</a> the book is a graphic sex guide that’s “teaching sex” to young children. Critics have taken particular issue with small sections of the book that address inclusive sexual practices beyond penetrative sex, including “fingering”, “oral sex”, “scissoring”, and “anal sex”.</p>
<p>They are also critical of the inclusion of what they term “<a href="https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-3-319-70060-1_86-1#Bib1">gender ideology</a>”. Others are accusing the authors of “<a href="https://theconversation.com/grooming-an-expert-explains-what-it-is-and-how-to-identify-it-181573">grooming</a>” children – a term that is <a href="https://www.politifact.com/article/2022/may/11/why-its-not-grooming-what-research-says-about-gend/">increasingly misused</a>.</p>
<p>The other side is celebrating Welcome to Sex for providing comprehensive and inclusive sex education. Many are <a href="https://twitter.com/AdeleKThomas/status/1681093744291098625">saying</a> they wish they had access to this kind of book growing up. </p>
<p>The book describes itself as a “frank, age-appropriate introductory guide to sex and sexuality for teens of all genders […] inclusive, reassuring and all about keeping sex fun, real, and shame-free”.</p>
<p>I am a researcher on texts for young people that deal with issues around sex, sexuality and gender. With my colleague, Dr Paul Venzo, we have been examining the rise of (and demand for) books that provide an inclusive, safe and engaging way to discuss the essential topic of sex for young people. </p>
<h2>Sex education books aren’t new</h2>
<p>Sex education books for young people aren’t new. Non-fiction picture books from the 1970s like Peter Mayle’s <a href="https://www.dymocks.com.au/book/where-did-i-come-from-by-peter-mayle-and-arthur-robins-9780330273442">Where Did I Come From?</a> (1973) and <a href="https://www.dymocks.com.au/book/whats-happening-to-me-by-peter-mayle-and-arthur-robins-9780330273435">What’s Happening to Me?</a> (1975) began the trend of introducing young people to sex in direct and detailed ways. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781003131434-4/tingly-feeling-paul-venzo">Paul Venzo’s research</a> shows there are now more than a thousand sex education books for young people, in English alone. </p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538054/original/file-20230718-23-kdv2fz.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Peter Mayle’s Where Did I Come From? started the trend of child-centred sex education books.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">AbeBooks</span></span>
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<p>While books like Where Did I Come From? present sex and gender in binary and heterornomative ways, sex education books have expanded to include diverse sexualities and genders – with a greater focus on race, disability, culture, and religion. </p>
<p>Many books now include discussions of consent and are careful to not only focus on the “risks” of sex, such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, but also on pleasure, safety and communication. </p>
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<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/we-havent-been-taught-about-sex-teens-talk-about-how-to-fix-school-sex-education-206001">'We haven't been taught about sex': teens talk about how to fix school sex education</a>
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<h2>Sex education for young people is valuable</h2>
<p>Sex education books can be used by parents and caregivers to guide tricky conversations about puberty, sex, gender and sexuality.</p>
<p>At what age should young people learn about sex? It’s difficult to say. Context and nuance is important. It depends on the identity and life experience of the young person, their education and maturity levels, their religious, geographical or cultural background, and the wishes of their parents or caregivers. So we should be careful about making generalisations. </p>
<p>However, the basics of sex education, such as bodily autonomy and consent, can be taught to primary-school aged children – and younger. </p>
<p>Yumi Stynes is quoted saying she’d “be happy with a mature eight-year-old having a flick through”. Many critics are using this to say the book is targeted at readers as young as eight. </p>
<p>But while a parent might make an informed decision about whether to make the book available to their younger child, Welcome to Sex is clearly targeted to a teen audience. This is evident in the length, design, complexity, marketing, language and age of the teen contributors inside the book (the youngest is 17).</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/538066/original/file-20230718-19-oqxycp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Welcome to Sex is clearly targeted to a teen audience.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Karolina Grabowska/Pexels</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
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<p>Some critics are arguing the book teaches young people how to perform sex acts. But we know young people are not ignorant about sex. Whether it’s through the internet, media, or friends, young people access sexually explicit material from a young age, <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12119-020-09771-z">with many learning about sex from pornography</a> in harmful ways. </p>
<p>A <a href="https://aifs.gov.au/research/commissioned-reports/teenagers-and-sex">2019 research report</a> from the Australian Institute of Family Studies shows that 53% of boys in the study and 14% of girls intentionally viewed pornography before the age of 16. <a href="https://aifs.gov.au/research/research-reports/effects-pornography-children-and-young-people">A UK study</a> reported that 53% of 11–16 year olds had watched pornography, most before the age of 14.</p>
<p>Comprehensive and inclusive sex education <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1054139X20304560">that begins at a young age</a> can prevent child sex abuse, decrease rates of domestic violence and intimate partner violence, and reduce homophobic bullying.</p>
<p>Sex education texts play a vital role. They can be given to young people to navigate with a parent or caregiver, or as an individual resource. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/how-do-you-teach-a-primary-school-child-about-consent-you-can-start-with-these-books-190063">How do you teach a primary school child about consent? You can start with these books</a>
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</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>So, what’s in Welcome to Sex?</h2>
<p>Welcome to Sex is the latest in the “Welcome” series by former Dolly Doctor Melissa Kang and broadcaster and mother Yumi Stynes. The series also includes <a href="https://www.hardiegrant.com/au/publishing/bookfinder/book/welcome-to-your-period-by-yumi-stynes/9781760503512">Welcome to Your Period</a>, <a href="https://www.hardiegrant.com/au/publishing/bookfinder/book/welcome-to-consent-by-yumi-stynes/9781760507497">Welcome to Consent</a> and <a href="https://www.hardiegrant.com/au/publishing/bookfinder/book/welcome-to-your-boobs-by-melissa-kang/9781760507503">Welcome to Your Boobs</a>. </p>
<p>The book’s introduction states, “Welcome to a book about sex and being a teen!” Its two key sections are teen-centered, leading with questions and reflections from young people. Despite claims the book is a “sex manual”, most of it is centered around the tricky emotions, concerns and questions young people might have about sex.</p>
<p>In the first section, teens are introduced to “safe learning”. Chapters cover definitions (of both sex and body parts), communication, relationships, sexual and gender diversity, myths about sex, and reasons to not have sex. </p>
<p>The second section explores getting intimate with someone. Importantly, though, it tells teens: “It’s totally OK if you’re not ready for any of that.” This section focuses on things like consent, pleasure, intimacy, cheating, safety, and different ways people might have sex.</p>
<p>Welcome to Sex treats teenagers seriously and meets them where they are. It intersperses sex education with young people’s reflections, questions for the “doctor” and facts from experts. It uses clear language and inclusive imagery.</p>
<p>The important thing for concerned parents to remember is that sex is an important topic we can’t ignore. Sex education books combat misinformation – and empower young people with essential information to keep them informed and safe.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/209979/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Emma Whatman is affiliated with The Australasian Children’s Literature Association for Research (ACLAR) and The Australian Women’s and Gender Studies Association (AWGSA).</span></em></p>Yumi Stynes and Melissa Kang’s sex education guide for teens is a topic of hot debate for its frankness. It also provides comprehensive, inclusive sex education that combats misinformation.Emma Whatman, Subject Coordinator in Gender Studies, The University of MelbourneLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2082702023-07-10T18:07:26Z2023-07-10T18:07:26ZSex or social media? The sacrifices we’re willing to make to stay online<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/535668/original/file-20230704-20-uh6ied.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=22%2C22%2C4970%2C2784&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Some adolescents even describe feeling a sense of stress and poor emotional well-being when not online.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><iframe style="width: 100%; height: 100px; border: none; position: relative; z-index: 1;" allowtransparency="" allow="clipboard-read; clipboard-write" src="https://narrations.ad-auris.com/widget/the-conversation-canada/sex-or-social-media-the-sacrifices-were-willing-to-make-to-stay-online" width="100%" height="400"></iframe>
<p>Your alarm clock goes off, it’s time to start your day. What’s the first thing you do? What about right before you go to bed? If your answer is scrolling social media, <a href="https://www.reviews.org/mobile/cell-phone-addiction/">you’re not alone</a>. People are spending increasing amounts of time on social media, with reports from 2023 suggesting an average worldwide usage of <a href="https://datareportal.com/reports/digital-2023-global-overview-report">two and a half hours</a> a day.</p>
<p>With more social media apps and websites coming online, that amount of time is likely to increase. U.S. tech company Meta recently launched <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-66112648">Threads</a>, the newest social media platform vying for our time. The app is meant to rival Elon Musk’s Twitter.</p>
<p>With <a href="https://www.statista.com/statistics/617136/digital-population-worldwide/">4.8 billion</a> social media users worldwide as of 2023, social media has become a mainstay in everyday life, particularly among younger generations. Some adolescents even describe feeling a sense of <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2020.106364">stress and poor emotional well-being</a> when not online. So much so that terms like FOMO (fear of missing out) and <a href="https://doi.org/10.4103%2Fjfmpc.jfmpc_71_19">Nomophobia (No Mobile Phone Phobia)</a> have been popularized to explain the feelings and thoughts some people experience when disconnected from their smartphone or their social media.</p>
<h2>Social media use</h2>
<p>As we become increasingly dependent on social media for entertainment and information, it can be challenging to create space between ourselves and our social media profiles. So much so that <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1057/ejis.2012.1">too much enjoyment from and time spent</a> on social media can result in strong usage habits, and in more extreme cases, addiction. </p>
<p>As researchers who study societal relationships with these technologies, we began to wonder the lengths young adults might go to maintain their connection to social media. To answer this question, <a href="https://www.igi-global.com/article/a-social-media-give-and-take/324106">we conducted a study</a> of 750 Canadians, aged 16-30 years old, who regularly use social media. We asked them about their social media usage patterns, their relationship with social media and the sacrifices they would be willing to make to remain on social media.</p>
<p>Our findings showed that smartphones were the most used method for accessing social media and approximately 95 per cent of participants had access to at least two social media accounts, with Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube among the most popular.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Pair of hands typing on a keyboard." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536133/original/file-20230706-16210-hcw4hs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">As we become increasingly dependent on social media for entertainment and information, it can be challenging to create space between ourselves and our social media profiles.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Additionally, nearly half reported checking social media nine or more times a day, whereas only about one in every 10 people checked social media twice a day or less. The most popular times of day that people accessed their phone were in the morning and evening. However, access during the afternoon, at night and on the weekend was still frequent. </p>
<p>Interestingly, despite an average age just over 24 years old, nearly half of the young adults surveyed indicated they have had a social media account for close to or more than a decade, suggesting prolonged usage and interest from an early age. </p>
<h2>What trade-offs are young adults willing to make?</h2>
<p>Respondents were asked to consider what they would be willing to sacrifice to maintain their social media presence. Trade-offs fell into the following categories: food/drink, hobbies, possessions, career, appearance, relationships, health and life. </p>
<p>Approximately 40 per cent of respondents were willing to give up caffeine, alcohol and video games. Another 30 per cent or so were willing to give up playing sports, watching TV and eating at their favourite restaurant for an entire year. </p>
<p>When asked to make appearance or possession-related trade-offs, another 10 to 15 per cent said they would rather gain 15 pounds, shave their head, give up their driver’s licence, never travel again and live without air conditioning. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="People using laptops and smartphones sitting on the ground." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=369&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=369&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=369&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=464&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=464&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536134/original/file-20230706-29-m1fn6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=464&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">With 4.8 billion social media users worldwide as of 2023, social media has become a mainstay in everyday life, particularly among younger generations.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>When asked to make more serious trade-offs relating to their relationships, health, or life, fewer were willing to make the sacrifice. For example, fewer than five per cent of participants said they would be willing to contract a sexually transmitted infection, or be diagnosed with a life-threatening illness like cancer rather than give up social media.</p>
<p>However, nearly 10 out of every 100 participants did say they would accept being unable to have children, give up sex or give up one year of their life to maintain their social media connections. When asked to give up more years of life, almost five out of every 100 and three out of every 100 participants said they would give up five or 10 years of their life, respectively.</p>
<p>Some young adults are willing to give up a considerable amount to maintain their access to social media. Notably, participants were far more likely to make food, drink and hobby-related sacrifices, followed by possessions and appearance-related trade-offs, compared to more serious concessions. However, knowing that even a small proportion of participants were willing to make health and life-related sacrifices is, quite honestly, scary. </p>
<p>We are not the kind of researchers who want to rid the world of social media. Quite the opposite, we use it ourselves. Rather, like most things in this world, we see the benefits and consequences and want to encourage conversations, reflection and thinking about how and why we use social media.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/208270/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Paige Coyne receives funding from SSHRC.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Sarah Woodruff receives funding from SSHRC.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Bailey Csabai does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Social media has become a mainstay in everyday life, particularly among younger generations. And some are even willing to make trade-offs to stay online.Paige Coyne, PhD Candidate, Department of Kinesiology, University of WindsorBailey Csabai, Research and Graduate Assistant, Faculty of Human Kinetics, University of WindsorSarah Woodruff, Professor, Director of the Community Health, Environment, and Wellness Lab, University of WindsorLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2056972023-06-08T14:08:14Z2023-06-08T14:08:14ZSex, money and love: what South African university students say about romance and dating in a material age<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/529083/original/file-20230530-15-2ezsot.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Young women are not, as some believe, passive sexual beings. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">DavideAngelini/Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13691058.2012.664660?scroll=top&needAccess=true&role=tab&aria-labelledby=full-article">Transactional sex</a> – the exchange of consensual sex for material support like gifts, money or food – <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-nigerian-students-told-us-about-transactional-sex-on-campus-116610">occurs</a> on <a href="https://theconversation.com/rise-in-sugar-babies-mirrors-increase-in-student-sex-work-44377">university campuses</a> in <a href="https://theconversation.com/student-sex-work-is-happening-and-universities-need-to-respond-with-health-services-167767">many parts of the world</a>.</p>
<p>South Africa is no exception. Some scholars have highlighted the importance of understanding transactional sexual relationships beyond seeing it only (or mostly) as a way for young women to mitigate poverty, or because they want to enjoy the advantages of what is perceived as an elite and glamorous lifestyle. It’s more complicated than that. </p>
<p>We came together as a trio of psychology scholars to <a href="https://www.ajol.info/index.php/gab/article/view/230358">explore</a> how young South African female university students construct themselves as sexual beings, and negotiate dating and intimate relationships. </p>
<p>Our findings highlight that young women view transactional intimate relationships from multiple levels, including family experiences, the cultures they are embedded in and broader social contexts. These factors all influence how they articulate their understanding of intimate relationships.</p>
<p>Financial considerations may compel and shape their choice of sexual partners. But they aren’t the only factor. Others include the chance to get work, to advance their careers or to unlock educational opportunities.</p>
<p>All of this challenges the idea that young adult women choosing to enter sexual relationships that can meet their financial aspirations are not agents in their relationships.</p>
<h2>A variety of reasons</h2>
<p>For the study, we conducted focus groups with 14 women students at one South African university. We were interested in their perceptions and understanding of transactional relationships – some reflected on their own experiences, while others reflected on those of others they knew. All were aged between 19 and 26. While the number of participants was relatively small, their perceptions were helpful in assisting us to get some understanding of how women students perceive transactional relationships.</p>
<p>The participants explained that they and other young women they knew engaged in intimate relationships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they want to meet their love and sexual needs; sometimes they want to enhance their socio-economic and social standing within their peer group and wider society. The latter arrangement has been referred to by some researchers as <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4875790/">sexual-economic relationships</a>, which enhance one’s social standing or result in class mobility for the young women involved in transactional sex. </p>
<p>When talking about these sorts of sexual-economic relationships, the participants in our study offered an example of how a man’s financial status is gauged: by the car he drives.</p>
<p>A sexual relationship with a man who has a good job is seen as a safer option than one with an unemployed, unmotivated man who is unable to provide or meet the young women’s consumer expectations. A man’s ability to work hard was said to “count” in terms of his appeal to women. This is reflected in some of the comments made by the young women in our study:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Most girls my age group tend to go for guys who have money or who are well established. In a sense of where they are going with their lives. Most girls are tired of going for guys who just sit at home and do nothing the whole day.</p>
<p>I don’t think relationships do exist, nowadays, I don’t think so, it’s more about material, what don’t you have … if a guy comes to you driving a Volvo and a guy comes to you driving a Mazda 3, the latest, I don’t think girls will go for the guy driving a Mazda, but the one driving a Volvo, that’s all, that’s how I see it recently.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Some transactional relationships may offer the pretence of real love and create the illusion for the male sexual partner that he is the only object of the young woman’s affection. Other relationships are initiated on the implicit understanding that they are non-exclusive or multi-partner arrangements, with a tacit agreement not to discuss other sexual partners.</p>
<h2>Navigating the perils</h2>
<p>But that doesn’t mean people are necessarily happy about non-exclusive relationships. Mistrust, jealousy and anger arise at times.</p>
<p>If a man has multiple girlfriends in a transactional arrangement and they learn about each other, the women often turn their anger towards each other. This may lead the women to try and “stake their claim”. For example, some told us that, in a sense, one becomes a “PI” (private investigator) assessing or “researching” their partner’s “true colours” or “their intentions and motives” and hoping for “transparency” from their partners. These concerns often centred on concerns about contracting HIV and AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases because their boyfriends had multiple partners.</p>
<p>It also became clear that our participants did not have much faith in any future marriages lasting for a long time or that their husbands would be faithful. But this didn’t mean that they didn’t want to experience genuine love or to pursue marriage that would also result in having children.</p>
<h2>Nuance</h2>
<p>This research makes it clear that there is a great deal of nuance around how young women negotiate their intimate relationships with men. Our research has shown us that the nature of transactional relationships can no longer be solely understood within the frames of disenfranchised young women and men as the embodiment of agency. </p>
<p>Rather, it is critical to engage the ways in which our consumeristic and materialistic global society seems to dictate what is “normal” and how this, in turn, plays a role in how young women choose to engage in transactional relationships. </p>
<p><em>Precious Sipuka and Christine Laidlaw co-authored this article and the research paper on which it is based.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/205697/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Puleng Segalo receives funding from The National Institute for the Humanities and Social Sciences. </span></em></p>There is a great deal of nuance around how young women negotiate their intimate relationships with men.Puleng Segalo, Chief Albert Luthuli Research Chair, University of South AfricaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2056272023-06-01T20:35:24Z2023-06-01T20:35:24Z‘Blue balls’: There’s no evidence they’re harmful, and they shouldn’t be used to pressure partners into sex<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/529017/original/file-20230530-15-p0dr9l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=422%2C217%2C3603%2C2438&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Even though most people — including health-care professionals — are familiar with the term 'blue balls,' there is surprisingly little research on this phenomenon.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><iframe style="width: 100%; height: 100px; border: none; position: relative; z-index: 1;" allowtransparency="" allow="clipboard-read; clipboard-write" src="https://narrations.ad-auris.com/widget/the-conversation-canada/-blue-balls---there-s-no-evidence-they-re-harmful--and-they-shouldn-t-be-used-to-pressure-partners-into-sex" width="100%" height="400"></iframe>
<p>What are blue balls? <a href="https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.106.4.843">Most people</a> — health-care providers included — are familiar with this term referring to scrotal discomfort experienced in response to prolonged sexual arousal without orgasm. </p>
<p>Although no one knows how the pain of blue balls develops, most implicate the slowed drainage of blood from the testicles in the <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/blue-balls">absence of orgasm during sexual arousal</a>.</p>
<p>One of the key physiological aspects of sexual arousal is <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-444-63247-0.00002-X">increased blood flow to areas of the body</a>, including the genitals. Genital-based signs of sexual arousal include engorgement of the genital structures leading to erection of the penis and external clitoris, and this engorgement usually resolves quickly after orgasm, which acts like a fast release valve.</p>
<p>In the absence of orgasm, the increased blood flow can take longer to get back to a non-aroused state (think of a slow-release valve), which is hypothesized to result in <a href="https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324870#summary">discomfort or pain in some people</a>. In addition, the genitals may take on a blue hue due to the lingering presence of <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/10304312.2013.737193">deoxygenated blood under the skin</a>, hence the adjective “blue” in “blue balls.”</p>
<p>Even though most people have heard about “blue balls” and a quick internet search reveals links to a variety of health-related and popular websites containing basic information, there is surprisingly little research on this phenomenon in medical journals. Is this because the experience of blue balls is “no big deal?”</p>
<h2>Anyone can get ‘blue balls’</h2>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="four blue kettle bell weights with black handles" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/529021/original/file-20230530-23-m6pkqf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/529021/original/file-20230530-23-m6pkqf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=273&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529021/original/file-20230530-23-m6pkqf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=273&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529021/original/file-20230530-23-m6pkqf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=273&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529021/original/file-20230530-23-m6pkqf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=343&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529021/original/file-20230530-23-m6pkqf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=343&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529021/original/file-20230530-23-m6pkqf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=343&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">‘Blue balls’ isn’t specific to genitals featuring a scrotum; it can occur in all bodies.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>My research team and I paired up with the <a href="https://open.spotify.com/episode/5FTH9JkC3JlA4Gr489Gouv?si=Z6aDdrfIT_2AeAIPjYGL2Q">Science Vs podcast</a> team Wendy Zukerman and Blythe Terrell to analyze the results of a survey they conducted in 2021 examining who experiences discomfort during sexual arousal without orgasm. </p>
<p>The survey also asked about consequences of this experience in terms of frequency and level of discomfort, as well as whether respondents had been asked to continue sexual activity by a sexual partner who may have experienced this.</p>
<p>The results, featuring responses from more than 2,000 participants (about 57 per cent with a penis and 43 per cent with a vagina) and published in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093%2Fsexmed%2Fqfad016"><em>Sexual Medicine</em></a>, revealed that in some ways, this experience is “no big deal” and in other ways, it is a very big deal.</p>
<p>Let’s first clarify a major issue assumed by the term “blue balls” related to who can experience this phenomenon, based on the results of this study. </p>
<p>The term assumes that discomfort resulting from sexual arousal without orgasm only exists in “balls,” referring to the scrotum. The process of sexual arousal described earlier, however, isn’t specific to genitals featuring a scrotum. It occurs in all bodies, as long as there are no obstacles (for example, health conditions impacting blood flow) to physiological sexual response.</p>
<p>In line with this, our results show that just over 42 per cent of participants with a vulva reported experiencing discomfort resulting from sexual arousal without orgasm. Fifty-six per cent of respondents with a penis reported this experience. </p>
<p>Also, the discomfort and pain experiences were overall mild and infrequent. This is consistent with the lack of medical research and clinical attention to this topic.</p>
<h2>Concerns about coercion</h2>
<p>Respondents’ reports of consequences of being with a partner who experienced or feared experiencing pain without orgasm, however, were extremely concerning. Significantly more participants with a vagina (40.1 per cent) than with a penis (3.7 per cent) reported pressure to engage sexually in this situation.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A man and a woman sitting a bed with their backs to each other and their heads bowed" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/529018/original/file-20230530-21-n7taap.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/529018/original/file-20230530-21-n7taap.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=316&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529018/original/file-20230530-21-n7taap.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=316&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529018/original/file-20230530-21-n7taap.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=316&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529018/original/file-20230530-21-n7taap.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529018/original/file-20230530-21-n7taap.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/529018/original/file-20230530-21-n7taap.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Pressure to engage in sexual activity is sexual coercion, which is associated with negative outcomes in terms of health and well-being.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Pressure to engage in sexual activity is sexual coercion, which is associated with negative outcomes in terms of health and well-being, such as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-006-9129-0">increased risk of depression and anxiety, low self-esteem and negative sexual self-perceptions</a>. Sexual activity in response to coercion certainly does not conform to enthusiastic and freely given <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1765953">sexual consent</a>.</p>
<p>A recent discussion about sexual coercion in response to “blue balls” <a href="https://www.buzzfeed.com/kristatorres/blue-balls-tiktok">gained much attention</a> in response to a TikTok, which has since been deleted. This TikTok claimed that “blue balls” are not painful and that men use it as a ruse to convince partners to engage sexually with them. This resulted in an uproar, with angry comments posted by those who recounted experiences of continuing sexual activity out of guilt to prevent their partner’s pain.</p>
<p>In our study, many participants reported in their own words that the experience of pain without orgasm should never be used as a coercive tactic. Yet, results also showed that almost half the participants — mostly women and some men — reported pressure to engage sexually.</p>
<h2>Gendered expectations</h2>
<p>It will take effort to change ideas related to sexual expectations in our society, many of which are gendered. </p>
<p>The <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02558-x">traditional sexual script</a> — guidelines for “appropriate” sexual behaviour in heterosexual couples (for example, the “steps” to sexual intercourse, such as kissing and genital touching) — emphasizes heterosexual men’s pleasure. The <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z">orgasm gap</a>, defined as the higher orgasm frequency in heterosexual men as compared to heterosexual women during partnered sexual activity, is only one example of the real-life manifestation of this privileging of men’s sexual pleasure.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/why-are-men-having-more-orgasms-than-women-in-heterosexual-relationships-180080">Why are men having more orgasms than women in heterosexual relationships?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Sexual coercion in response to pain due to sexual activity without orgasm, is another example. Also note that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260513506056">this has been shown to occur in men who have sex with men</a>.</p>
<p>Sexual coercion includes actions like begging, pleading, and making someone feel guilty about the pain or that it is their fault that the pain is there (for example, calling someone a “tease”). <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093%2Fsexmed%2Fqfad016">Our research</a> has found that plenty of things can help with the pain that does not involve coercion, including masturbation, waiting it out, cold or heat application and engaging in nonsexual activities such as exercising, sleeping or studying.</p>
<p>It’s time to take the management of this pain into your own hands, so to speak, as it will pass, and it is not a valid excuse to implicate unwilling others in its resolution.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/205627/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Caroline Pukall receives funding from the Canadian Institutes of Health Research.</span></em></p>The pain of ‘blue balls’ should never be used as a coercive tactic. But almost half of study participants — mostly women and some men — reported pressure to engage sexually.Caroline Pukall, Professor, Department of Psychology, Queen's University, OntarioLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2034432023-05-15T15:43:21Z2023-05-15T15:43:21ZGetting too excited can stop men from orgasming – but there’s a solution<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/525107/original/file-20230509-28-amnssx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C9504%2C6317&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/young-handsome-man-beard-wearing-casual-1680559948">Krakenimages.com/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The way sex is portrayed in pop culture films and music could easily give you the idea that it, at least physically, should happen easily – particularly for men. </p>
<p>Sex may seem like a straightforward activity but it actually involves a high degree of coordination between the brain and body parts. Recent data suggests that erectile dysfunction affects <a href="https://www.kcl.ac.uk/news/the-global-prevalence-of-erectile-dysfunction">around one in five UK men</a>, with the figure rising to <a href="https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/sexual-and-reproductive/erectile-dysfunction-impotence">50% for the 40-70 age group</a>. </p>
<p>With this data in mind, we set out to explore how we could mathematically model the essence of sexual response in men and improve the experience. We found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1063/5.0143190">too much psychological arousal</a> before or during sexual stimulation can make it difficult to climax.</p>
<p>Until recently, little was known scientifically about physiology and psychology of what happens when people are having sex, partly because of the taboo around it. A breakthrough came in the 1960s with the work of <a href="https://www.strandbooks.com/product/9780465079995?title=masters_of_sex_the_life_and_times_of_william_masters_and_virginia_johnson_the_couple_who_taught_america_how_to_love">US researchers William Masters and Virgina Johnson</a>. They invited over 380 women and over 300 men to a lab and observed them having sex, taking notes of the physiological changes that happened.</p>
<p>Having collected data from over 10,000 sex acts, Masters and Johnson published their results in 1966 in their <a href="https://www.britannica.com/topic/Human-Sexual-Response">Human Sexual Response paper</a>. It proposed a paradigm of the <a href="https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/sexual-health-your-guide-to-sexual-response-cycle#:%7E:text=The%20sexual%20response%20cycle%20has,the%20timing%20usually%20is%20different.">human sexual response cycle</a> as a sequence of excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. For each of these stages Masters and Johnson described in minute detail physiological changes in genital areas, as well as more general reactions, such as hyperventilation, increased pulse and blood pressure, and involuntary sweating immediately after orgasm. </p>
<p>While sexual responses in women are less understood, the Masters-Johnson sexual response cycle for men has stood the test of time and is still the best representation of the stages men go through when having sex. Data collected by <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/009262300278641">later studies</a> showed that female sexual responses are more diverse and don’t follow the linear progression of excitement-plateau-orgasm-resolution of the Masters-Johnson model.</p>
<h2>Practical insights</h2>
<p>One of the criticisms of the Masters-Johnson framework was that it did not account for psychological component of sexual response. In our <a href="https://aip.scitation.org/doi/10.1063/5.0143190">mathematical model</a>, we wanted to capture interactions between physiological and psychological aspects of sexual response in men. Our model focused on how the levels of physiological and psychological arousal (turn-on) change during sexual stimulation. </p>
<p>We combined data about physiological responses from the Masters-Johnson study with insights from five functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies of people having sex from 2003 to 2011. fMRI <a href="https://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info/fmribrain">measures the small changes in blood flow</a> that occur with brain activity. </p>
<p>Our model made two assumptions. First, that psychological turn on increases when someone is physically excited, from watching porn or from observing a partner and interacting with them. We also assumed that after sex, psychological excitement eventually subsides.</p>
<h2>Getting over excited</h2>
<p>The results of our model show that if a man becomes psychologically overly excited, either due to their initial level of psychological turn-on before, or during sex, this can be detrimental to their chances of achieving orgasm. One explanation for this is that when someone is overly excited they are too focused on their sexual performance or achieving an orgasm. </p>
<p>This can cause anxiety, which is itself a state of psychological overstimulation. As a result, people can come to a frustrating state of being agonisingly close to the point of climax yet not being able to reach it. The solution to this is to mentally switch-off and relax to allow your psychological arousal to decrease.</p>
<p>Another finding of our model is that the level of physical arousal decreases with psychological stimulation. Although this may seem counter-intuitive, it fits with the data from <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1053811909013238">fMRI studies</a> from around 15 years ago, in which 21 men were put inside an fMRI scanner and asked to bring themselves to orgasm either through self-stimulation or with the help of their partners. </p>
<p>The results showed that right before orgasm, many areas of the brain become deactivated. These include the amygdala (responsible for processing emotions and threatening stimuli) frontal cortical regions (controls judgement and decision making) and orbitofrontal cortex (integrates sensory input and takes part in decision making for emotional and reward-related behaviour). </p>
<p>So orgasm is associated with <a href="https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21028124-600-sex-on-the-brain-orgasms-unlock-altered-consciousness/">letting go</a> – it’s a mental release as much as a physical one. </p>
<p>The same result follows from the <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0959354394044004">Yerkes-Dodson law</a>, which over 100 years ago established that for some tasks optimal physical performance is achieved with intermediate levels of psychological arousal. For example, difficult or intellectually demanding tasks may require a lower level of arousal (to facilitate concentration), whereas tasks demanding stamina or persistence need higher levels of arousal (to increase motivation). </p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/AupS7hAlWLs?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
</figure>
<p><a href="https://link.springer.com/book/10.1007/978-0-387-79388-7">Mathematical models</a> have already helped us understand the dynamics of other physiological processes, such as blood circulation, heart disease, cancer, neural firing in the brain. Applying them to such complex phenomenon such as sexual response can provide insights that can help improve sexual performance and develop new approaches to treatment of sexual dysfunction.</p>
<h2>What next?</h2>
<p>Women have a <a href="https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160630-the-enduring-enigma-of-female-desire">greater variety of sexual responses</a> that can include single or multiple orgasms.</p>
<p><a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z">Recent data</a> suggests that while heterosexual men achieve orgasm about 95% of the time, the equivalent figure for heterosexual women is a measly 65%. </p>
<p>Our next step would be to explore how to develop a mathematical model to represent the dynamics of female sexual response using the latest <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/009262300278641">Basson’s circular model</a>, which will hopefully help close the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/mar/21/the-orgasm-gap-and-how-to-close-it-dont-equate-sex-and-penetration">orgasm gap</a>.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/203443/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>We found you can have too much of a good thing - psychological stimulation.Konstantin Blyuss, Reader in Mathematics, University of SussexYuliya Kyrychko, Reader in Mathematics, University of SussexLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1974222023-05-14T20:07:55Z2023-05-14T20:07:55ZSpring Fire, the first lesbian pulp fiction hit, satisfied censors with its unhappy ending – but its ‘forbidden love’ reflected real desires<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509299/original/file-20230209-22-26hvtp.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=11%2C5%2C3982%2C1988&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Marijane Meaker (left) and Patricia Highsmith (right).</span> </figcaption></figure><p><em>Our cultural touchstones series looks at books that have made an impact.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>In 1952, Marijane Meaker, under the pseudonym Vin Packer, had the first <a href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-the-complex-contradictory-pleasures-of-pulp-fiction-96206">pulp fiction</a> hit with a purely lesbian plot. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780857999740/spring-fire/">Spring Fire</a>, which sold 1.5 million copies in its first print run, is set at the fictitious Cranston University, in an unnamed Midwest town. The life it depicts – of sororities, fraternities and frowned-upon independents – is one in which hormones rage and social conformity rules. Enter the lesbian … </p>
<p>The book’s cover reads:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>A story once told in whispers </p>
<p>Now frankly, honestly written </p>
</blockquote>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=333&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=333&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=333&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=419&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=419&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509091/original/file-20230209-24-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=419&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Marijane Meaker’s Spring Fire, published under the name ‘Vin Packer’, was the first pulp fiction hit with a purely lesbian plot.</span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Burning to tell</h2>
<p>Meaker worked as an editorial assistant at Gold Medal Books, a paperback publisher launched in 1950. <a href="http://newimprovedgorman.blogspot.com/2013/03/a-short-history-of-gold-medal-books.html">Its novels</a> “were intended as reliable, disposable entertainments: fast, short, and full of action”.</p>
<p>She was recruited by Gold Medal editor-in-chief, Dick Carroll, to write Spring Fire, her first book. “What kind of story is a young girl like you burning to tell?” Carroll asked. Meaker <a href="https://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780857999740/spring-fire/">replied</a> that she wanted to write about boarding schools. She had wanted to attend one because </p>
<blockquote>
<p>I had heard homosexuality ran rampant in places like that. I wanted to find out if my suspicions were right, that I was one of those. Sure enough, I was rewarded with first love.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Carroll gave her clear parameters: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>The girls would have to be in college, not boarding school. And, you cannot make homosexuality attractive. No happy ending.</p>
</blockquote>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=884&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=884&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=884&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1110&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1110&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509093/original/file-20230209-26-nqsbcx.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1110&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<p>Publishers had first been alerted to the possibilities of books with lesbian-themed plots a couple of years earlier, with <a href="https://www.feministpress.org/books-n-z/womens-barracks">Women’s Barracks</a> (1950), an autobiographical novel with lesbian content, set among female Free French soldiers in a London barracks during World War II. Ruled obscene and banned by a Canadian court, it <a href="https://www.salon.com/2005/08/09/torres_3/">went on</a> to sell in the millions.</p>
<p>Meaker, who died late last year at the age of 95, would go on to write in a range of genres, under several pseudonyms – including 19 more books as Vin Packer, though only two of these would deal with homosexuality. </p>
<p>As Ann Aldrich, Meaker <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/11/books/marijane-meaker-dead">wrote</a> non-fiction accounts of lesbian life in Greenwich village. She wrote fiction for young children as Mary James, and she was an award-winning author of young adult novels under the name M.E. Kerr. In 1993, she <a href="https://www.wkar.org/2022-12-14/remembering-marijane-meaker-a-pioneer-of-lesbian-pulp-fiction">won an award</a> from the Young Adult Library Services Association for being “a pioneer in realistic fiction for teenagers”, with books like <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/266534">Dinky Hocker Shoots Smack</a> (1972) and <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/975437.I_Stay_Near_You">I Stay Near You</a> (1985).</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-the-complex-contradictory-pleasures-of-pulp-fiction-96206">Friday essay: the complex, contradictory pleasures of pulp fiction</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Queer New York life, with Patricia Highsmith</h2>
<p>Under her own name, Meaker wrote <a href="https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Highsmith/Marijane-Meaker/9781573441711">a memoir</a> of her two-year romantic relationship with the now more-famous Patricia Highsmith, who she met in a “word-of-mouth” only lesbian bar, L’s, in Greenwich Village. </p>
<p>Highsmith, best known for her Ripley novels, wrote one lesbian novel, <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/11/30/forbidden-love">The Price of Salt</a>, under a pseudonym (Claire Morgan), also published in 1952. The award-winning film version – <a href="https://theconversation.com/carol-review-stunning-1950s-tale-of-two-women-in-love-51148">Carol</a> – was released in 2015, starring Cate Blanchett. </p>
<p>Meaker’s memoir, published after Highsmith’s death, gives a glimpse into queer life in 1950s New York. Together with their gay and lesbian friends, Meaker and Highsmith negotiated the known safe spaces for queer people – some of them fully in the closet, others more or less out, though all suffered societal and familial constraints of some kind. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=350&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=350&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=350&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=440&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=440&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509104/original/file-20230209-28-qbhm6z.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=440&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Marijane Meaker had a two-year relationship with Patricia Highsmith, who she met at a New York lesbian bar.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Hachette</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>They knew, for instance, where they could eat where women in pants would be welcomed, and which lesbian bars had not been taken over by the mafia. The memoir also tells of two very different literary reputations still in the making. Highsmith, published in hardback by literary publishers, at that stage earned far less (and had far fewer readers) than Meaker, whose work appeared in paperback, reaching millions because of its accessibility.</p>
<p>“I loved her writing,” Meaker told Terry Gross in <a href="https://www.npr.org/2022/12/14/1142786089/remembering-marijane-meaker-a-pioneer-of-lesbian-pulp-fiction">a 2003 NPR interview</a> about the memoir. “I think we shared a common theme, which was <em>folie a deux</em>, a sort of simultaneous insanity, two people involved with each other very closely, often in a crime.” </p>
<p>As writers, they lived an isolated life in an old farmhouse outside of New Hope, Pennsylvania, where both had strict writing routines. Different social needs and Pat’s excessive drinking were among the things that drove them apart – though as Meaker writes, they had ‘“such good horizontal rapport” that they dragged out their separation, reconciling more than once just as the movers arrived to take Highsmith’s belongings away.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-hidden-in-plain-sight-australian-queer-men-and-women-before-gay-liberation-155964">Friday essay: hidden in plain sight — Australian queer men and women before gay liberation</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Lesbian pulp fiction and unhappy endings</h2>
<p>Since the 1890s, the production of “pulp paper” – quick to produce and still acidic (giving it a shorter life) – revolutionised publishing. It <a href="https://www.americanhistoryusa.com/lesbian-pulp-fiction-the-1950s-phenomenon/">enabled</a> the production of cheap genre fiction and magazines that anyone, including the working classes and young readers, could afford. </p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=873&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=873&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=873&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1097&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1097&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509100/original/file-20230209-22-gt99yn.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1097&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
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<p>Pulp fiction did not appear in hardcover and was designed to be read quickly. As Ann Bannon, another writer enlisted by Meaker to write lesbian pulp <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/159000.Lesbian_Pulp_Fiction">noted</a>, “You could read them on the bus and leave them on the seat.”</p>
<p>Censorship had to be avoided. As many of the novels would be distributed through the post, nothing could raise the ire of the postal service censors, who could then scuttle the whole book shipment. </p>
<p>Meaker realised: “my heroine has to decide she’s not really queer.” Her publisher responded, “That’s it. And the one she’s involved with is sick or crazy.” It set the tone for the denouement of much lesbian pulp fiction to come for at least the next decade.</p>
<p>When asked how she felt about writing such hopeless endings, <a href="https://www.npr.org/2022/12/14/1142786089/remembering-marijane-meaker-a-pioneer-of-lesbian-pulp-fiction">Meaker said</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I laughed. I was not politically conscious to that point. It really hadn’t begun yet. I wrote this, I think it was '51 or '52. I was right out of college. And I thought it was a funny idea. You don’t have any – when you’re writing these things, you don’t have any vision of the future […] It was – I was delighted to get my first book published. And if that was the rule, well, I was willing to follow it.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>So the lesbian pulp fiction genre began. While the required unhappy ending may not have bothered the many male readers attracted to titillating covers and admittedly vague descriptions of female same-sex activity, for those women and girls reading to see possibilities for their own desires and lives, these plots offered seemingly slim pickings. </p>
<p>Yet given the almost complete lack of lesbian representation in popular culture, to even hint at its possibility was transformative for many. Lesbian fiction author Katherine V. Forrest describes her own first encounter with lesbian pulp at the age of 18: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Overwhelming need led me to walk a gauntlet of fear up to the cash register. Fear so intense that I remember nothing more, only that I stumbled out of the store in possession of what I knew I must have, a book as necessary to me as air.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Censorship had been a factor in earlier hardback novels addressing lesbian topics. Radclyffe Hall’s The Well of Loneliness (1928) <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/378379">had been the subject</a> of an obscenity trial, keeping it out of print in Britain for 20 years. </p>
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<p>In many ways, when its hero/ine Stephen Gordon gives up their lover Mary to heterosexual marriage, the novel foreshadows the later pulp lesbian protagonists who lose out to male rivals, mental illness, or death. But not all lesbian pulp ended badly. Perhaps the most enduring of lesbian pulp writers, Ann Bannon (pseudonym of Ann Weldy), managed to depict lesbian lovers who survived beyond the ending. </p>
<p>This was in part made possible by the relaxation of obscenity laws later in the 50s, <a href="https://ssrn.com/abstract=3543676">following the trial</a> of Allen Ginsberg’s <a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/49303/howl">Howl</a>. Bannon’s characters frequented the secret lesbian bars and clubs of New York City of the 50s and 60s, and <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/159000.Lesbian_Pulp_Fiction">led lives based</a> on people Bannon actually knew. </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/queer-identity-lust-and-grief-in-lauren-john-josephs-debut-novel-179455">Queer identity, lust and grief in Lauren John Joseph’s debut novel</a>
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<h2>Spring Fire confirmed readers’ desires</h2>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=1004&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=1004&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=1004&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1262&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1262&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509321/original/file-20230210-20-iccs2s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1262&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<p>Spring Fire offers the pleasures of female same-sex activity, while ostensibly shutting down the possibility of lesbian life and love. The central character, sorority sister Susan Mitchell – Mitch – could be read as a 50s butch lesbian in the making, rather than a young woman seduced by a disturbed and scheming femme fatale. </p>
<p>She has a history of crushes on and obsessions with girls and women. Her masculine nickname confirms this identity, as does the moment she catches herself in the mirror, when “the wetness of her hair gave it a bobbed look, and the reflection was like that of a young boy”. </p>
<p>She also, apparently instinctively, knows what to do sexually when she takes the lead with her lover Leda and is empowered by the experience of dominance: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>A feeling of power, and the knowledge of Leda’s quivering submission, filled Mitch as she let her eyes stare up at the blackness in the cellar. When she had gone to Leda, she had not known what she would do, and it happened without thought or care for what followed, but it was easy and natural. She was the conqueror, and it was a sensation abundant in glory and desire.</p>
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<p>This is no naive innocent who can brush off such experiences, though at the end of the novel she is apparently cured by her sessions with a sympathetic doctor: “She had a clean feeling that was there whenever she finished talking with Dr. Peters, and she knew she was whole now.”</p>
<p>This was enough to satisfy the censors: Leda, the original seductress, has a “complete nervous breakdown” and is sent to an asylum, taking both aberration and condemnation with her. Mitch is free to return to heterosexuality and normality. </p>
<p>The ending is forced, and cannot account for what has gone before, but it serves to shut down the possibility that lesbian love and life might be possible or desirable. Nevertheless, <a href="https://www.wkar.org/2022-12-14/remembering-marijane-meaker-a-pioneer-of-lesbian-pulp-fiction">countless women</a> read Spring Fire as confirmation of their own desires, taking it into over 15 printings.</p>
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<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/fifty-shades-of-erotica-how-sex-in-literature-went-mainstream-72373">Fifty shades of erotica: how sex in literature went mainstream</a>
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<h2>Speaking in a double voice</h2>
<p>Lesbian pulp speaks in a double voice. Same-sex attracted women could see their own desires reflected, while the plot’s ultimate condemnation of lesbianism satisfied the censors and those concerned with public morality. </p>
<p>For readers now, the on-campus same-sex activity pales in comparison with the compulsory heterosexuality that expresses itself in continual coercion, and in date rape early in the book. Such things did not contravene censorship standards the way a happy lesbian would. </p>
<p>But this was before the existence of publishing houses specialising in queer literature – and before its public recognition in awards such as <a href="https://lambdaliterary.org/awards/">the Lambdas</a>. Legally recognised same-sex marriage had barely been imagined. </p>
<p>Despite the ending, for many of its first readers, Mitch’s thoughts in Spring Fire were a chink of light, illuminating a world in which this forbidden love was real:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Until Leda, there had been no one who had set her whole body pulsing with the sweet pain and the glory in the end.</p>
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<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Mandy Treagus receives funding from the Australia Research Council. </span></em></p>Marijane Meaker was a lesbian pulp fiction trailblazer who wrote bestselling YA fiction as M.E. Kerr. She was also Patricia Highsmith’s lover.Mandy Treagus, Associate Professor, Department of English, Creative Writing and Film, University of AdelaideLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2007852023-04-24T13:32:37Z2023-04-24T13:32:37ZEthical non-monogamy: what to know about these often misunderstood relationships<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/522105/original/file-20230420-26-hczxem.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=181%2C86%2C5570%2C3742&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/two-restful-couples-lying-head-by-740062681">Pressmaster/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Imagine Sarah and John have been in a <a href="https://www.queerlit.co.uk/products/rewriting-the-rules?_pos=1&_sid=0287cd7c7&_ss=r">monogamous relationship</a> for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.</p>
<p>No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent. </p>
<p>There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468">non-monogamous relationships</a>, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their <a href="https://today.yougov.com/topics/society/articles-reports/2020/01/31/millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data">ideal relationship</a> is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/throuples-restaurants-valentines-day-b2010151.html">Lelo</a>, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.</p>
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<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/when-can-your-boss-fire-you-for-social-media-use-an-expert-on-the-law-explains-201804?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">When can your boss fire you for social media use? An expert on the law explains</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/joy-is-good-for-your-body-and-your-mind-three-ways-to-feel-it-more-often-198276?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Joy is good for your body and your mind – three ways to feel it more often</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/planning-for-a-baby-why-both-men-and-women-should-consider-quitting-alcohol-before-and-during-pregnancy-198118?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Planning for a baby? Why both men and women should consider quitting alcohol before and during pregnancy</a></em></p>
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<p>What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on <a href="https://bettymartin.org/videos/">agreed, ongoing consent</a> and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8321986/">polyamory</a>, open relationships and <a href="https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1348/014466606X143153">swinging</a>. </p>
<p>These relationships are often <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epub/10.1177/01461672221139086">stigmatised</a> and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships. </p>
<p>Yet <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1948550619897157">research has shown</a> that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1088868312467087?casa_token=We5Fp9hOPjQAAAAA:LI0m000j1SwvqGMbCVWekUcZ5z9DfqzuMmUtdIi59-OJiEZJ0_EjxlYq3pU6xcUZr5jIG9vlvXxztA">reported</a> higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19419899.2011.631571">relational intimacy</a> than people in monogamous relationships. </p>
<h2>Misconceptions and stigma</h2>
<p>One <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13178-021-00667-7">stigmatising view</a> is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282130422_A_Comparison_of_Sexual_Health_History_and_Practices_among_Monogamous_and_Consensually_Nonmonogamous_Sexual_Partners">sexually transmitted infections</a> (STIs). </p>
<p>However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S174360951534008X?via%3Dihub">safer sex practices</a> than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to <a href="https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/12/10/2022/6966715">cheating</a> where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner. </p>
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<span class="caption">Is ethical non-monogamy right for your relationship?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/feet-man-two-women-lying-under-2116188575">Pixel-Shot/Shutterstock</a></span>
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<p>In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13178-021-00667-7">diverse needs</a>. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.</p>
<p>Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1041794X.2018.1531916">research</a> has found that it can be more <a href="https://nsuworks.nova.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3297&context=tqr">manageable</a> than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.</p>
<h2>Exploring non-monogamy</h2>
<p>Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33990929/">stereotypical</a> view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.</p>
<p>If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind. </p>
<p><strong>1. Communicate openly</strong></p>
<p>Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1286-4">jealousy</a>.</p>
<p><strong>2. Practice safe sex</strong></p>
<p>Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/five-important-things-you-should-have-learned-in-sex-ed-but-probably-didnt-202177">Five important things you should have learned in sex ed – but probably didn't</a>
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<p><strong>3. Stop shame</strong></p>
<p>Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.</p>
<p>While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/200785/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Chantal Gautier does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Young people are more likely to consider some form of open or non-monogamous relationship.Chantal Gautier, Lecturer and Sex Therapist, University of WestminsterLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.