tag:theconversation.com,2011:/uk/topics/gentle-parenting-12377/articlesGentle parenting – The Conversation2023-11-29T13:39:59Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2175082023-11-29T13:39:59Z2023-11-29T13:39:59ZGentle parenting can be really hard on parents, new research suggests<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/560821/original/file-20231121-24-2jty9e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Gentle parents often feel overwhelmed and alone, researchers found. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/mother-with-headache-daughter-in-background-royalty-free-image/151083021">Jamie Grill/The Image Bank/Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Are you a gentle parent? If so, chances are good that, just like your children, you may need a nap.</p>
<p>The idea of gentle parenting has been around <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/10636-000">since the 1930s</a> but received increased attention over the past few years on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/mommacusses/">social media</a> and <a href="https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/this-gentle-parenting-stuff-sure-isnt-easy">blogs</a>, as well as in popular <a href="https://uk.bookshop.org/shop/sarahockwellsmithauthor">books</a>, <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/books/under-review/the-harsh-realm-of-gentle-parenting">magazines</a> and <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2022/11/29/gentle-parenting-child-development/">newspapers</a>.</p>
<p>Despite its growing popularity, what remains unclear is what, exactly, this parenting style entails. Parenting author and self-described “gentle parenting” founder <a href="https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/04/18/what-is-gentle-parenting/">Sarah Ockwell-Smith</a> has described gentle parenting as “a way of being” and “a mindset,” with “an emphasis on your child’s feelings.” But does it mean no yelling? No punishment? How is it different from other established approaches to parenting? Is it good for kids? Equally important: Is it good for parents?</p>
<p>To explore what this gentle parenting movement is all about, my fellow family studies professor <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=-LGWgsgAAAAJ&hl=en">Alice Davidson</a> <a href="https://www.macalester.edu/psychology/facultystaff/annie-pezalla/">and I</a> gathered data from over 100 parents across the country with at least one child between the ages of 2 and 7. We asked these parents to tell us how they reared their kids, how they were reared by their own parents and how they respond when their child misbehaves. We also asked if they identified as a “gentle parent.” For those who saw themselves as “gentle parents,” we asked them: What do you mean?</p>
<p>These preliminary findings, which will be submitted soon for publication, should be interpreted with caution since the diversity of our sample was limited.</p>
<h2>An internet phenomenon</h2>
<p>About half our sample identified as “gentle parents.” Those who identified as gentle parents were almost all white – 84% – and highly educated. The one diverse aspect of their profile was their age. Participants ranged from 32 to 51 years old, including both Gen Xers and millennials.</p>
<p>When asked how they were reared as children, these participants described their parents in simplistic ways, with terms such as “confrontational” and “reactive.” In contrast, when asked to describe their own parenting, they used 50% more adjectives, including terms such as “affectionate,” “conscious,” “accepting” and, of course, “gentle.” </p>
<p>There was, overall, a theme within these parents’ responses that they would do a better job at parenting than their own parents did with them. In open-ended responses, some participants stated this goal plainly. One father replied: “[My approach to parenting is to] do the opposite of my parents. No spanking or physical punishment.” Perhaps gentle parenting is more than just a parenting style – it’s also a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations.</p>
<p>Shifts in generational approaches to parenting are not new, from the <a href="https://www.thisamericanlife.org/317/unconditional-love">behaviorist movement</a> of the 1920s – Don’t hug your kid! – to the <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/08/the-perils-of-attachment-parenting/375198/">attachment parenting of the 1990s</a> – Always hug your kid! – to the more contemporary <a href="https://theconversation.com/free-range-kids-why-a-childs-freedom-to-travel-and-play-without-adult-supervision-matters-132243">free-range parenting movement</a> of the 21st century – Where is my kid?</p>
<p>Each movement is a reaction to the evolution of parenting scholarship. Yet the embrace of gentle parenting advice seems unique in that, despite its <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/tag/gentleparenting">popularity on social media</a>, it is not born of scholarship. Child development researchers have not followed these families to determine the extent to which this approach to child rearing is good for either kids or parents.</p>
<p>Attempting to find a common definition, we analyzed these parents’ open-ended responses that described what “gentle parenting” means to them. For most, gentle parenting was primarily about staying calm in challenging moments with their kids.</p>
<p><div data-react-class="TiktokEmbed" data-react-props="{"url":"https://www.tiktok.com/@will_rogers_is_your_dad/video/7241575056256683306?is_from_webapp=1\u0026sender_device=pc\u0026web_id=7284042002567808543"}"></div></p>
<p>A 42-year-old mother of a 3-year-old only child wrote that gentle parenting meant “having a moderate reaction – never getting too alarmed or being too permissive, always monitoring and adjusting expectations to the needs of the child and environment.” A 35-year-old mother of 6-year-old twins wrote that gentle parenting meant “trying not to yell, trying very hard to manage my own feelings so that I don’t hurt their feelings.” These parents are working hard to keep their cool. </p>
<h2>‘Hanging on for dear life’</h2>
<p>A secondary theme of gentle parenting among the parents we surveyed was about validating their kid’s big feelings. Picture a kid having a meltdown at the mall. Sometimes this validation involved parents labeling an emotion: “I see you are very angry right now.” Or they might allow their kid to freely emote: “We sit with the feeling.” Often it involved giving affection: “I ask them if they want a hug.” </p>
<p>These parents were also extraordinarily well versed in parenting literature. Many quoted bestselling author Becky Kennedy’s <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/book/">Good Inside</a> parenting manual or referenced philosophies from world-renowned early childhood educator <a href="https://magdagerber.org/magdas-writings/">Magda Gerber</a> in their responses. They used nuanced terms such as “hand-in-hand,” “gentle rein” and “conscious” to describe their parenting. They had all done their homework on how to be an excellent gentle parent. </p>
<p>Yet we noted two troubling themes in these parents’ responses. First, none of them mentioned raising their children with help from their friends, family or community. </p>
<p>Second, many of them acknowledged, without prompting, that they were struggling to feel competent. When asked to describe her parenting approach, a 36-year-old mother of two children under 5 reflected that she often feels like she “has nothing to give” and gets “easily overstimulated and overwhelmed all day every day.” She ended her reflections with the simple confession: “I often feel out of control.”</p>
<p>She wasn’t alone in those sentiments. Here are some others:</p>
<ul>
<li>“I’m hanging on for dear life.”</li>
<li>“I try to be gentle, but it can be challenging working full time and being stressed and having little support.”</li>
<li>“I confess I have no idea what I’m doing much of the time.”</li>
</ul>
<p>Over 40% of our “gentle parents” provided these sorts of confessions, illuminating a clear message: They are often not so gentle with themselves. They were frequently exhausted, uncertain, hard on themselves and lonely.</p>
<h2>More harm than good?</h2>
<p>We are currently expanding our sample with the goal of recruiting a much more diverse group of parents – not only in race or ethnicity but also in education level. We want to test whether this gentle parenting phenomenon is primarily limited to highly educated white parents. We also plan to follow these families over time to explore the sustainability of this gentle parenting approach and to see how their kids are doing. We wonder: Will the kids of gentle parents show the same sort of emotional restraint as their parents? Or will these children only build in the emotional control they wield over their parents?</p>
<p>Until we analyze that data, our message to these parents is short and sweet: Go easy on yourselves. Also, go ahead and take that nap.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/217508/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Annie Pezalla does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The gentle parenting movement has exploded in popularity on social media. But is it good for kids or parents?Annie Pezalla, Visiting Assistant Professor of Psychology, Macalester CollegeLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2087012023-10-31T16:18:14Z2023-10-31T16:18:14ZBooks on toddler sleep can give inflexible advice – parents should be reassured that one size doesn’t fit all<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/552067/original/file-20231004-17-6a6bk5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C8%2C5751%2C3819&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/little-africanamerican-girl-toy-sleeping-bed-1577602816">Pixel-Shot/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>If you are a parent of a young child, sleep may well have become an obsession for you. </p>
<p>Toddlers often wake frequently during the night. Sleep deprivation is a <a href="https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/coping-with-sleep-deprivation-as-a-new-parent/">real problem</a> for parents. And parents are often asked – and judged – about how their child is sleeping. </p>
<p>It’s no wonder that there is a healthy industry providing parents with books of advice on how to get their children to sleep for longer. But these books also often offer contradictory advice. </p>
<p>In <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/chso.12714">research</a> with my colleague Amanda Norman, I examined parenting “self-help” books aimed at parents with children aged between two and five. We looked at how parenting books address parents – and how books like this <a href="https://doi.org/10.21827/ejlw.12.38836">made us feel</a> as parents ourselves. </p>
<p>We found each of the books tended to give parents one approach for dealing with their child’s sleep, rather than a range of options. But these methods were polarised between <a href="https://static1.squarespace.com/static/55084b9ae4b022bff6dce256/t/569eeb2e5827c3cdcbf484c3/1453255472504/Gentle+Birth+Gentle+Mothering+Ebook.pdf">gentle parenting</a>, which focused on following the needs of the child, and “behaviourist” techniques that reward desired behaviour and prioritise routine.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Sleeping toddler in dark room" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/552068/original/file-20231004-16-p00xui.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/552068/original/file-20231004-16-p00xui.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/552068/original/file-20231004-16-p00xui.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/552068/original/file-20231004-16-p00xui.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/552068/original/file-20231004-16-p00xui.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/552068/original/file-20231004-16-p00xui.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/552068/original/file-20231004-16-p00xui.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Finally asleep.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/cute-little-boy-yellow-pyjamas-sweetly-365694512">Smolina Marianna/Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In our own parenting experiences, gentle approaches felt vague and left us unclear of a path forward. The behaviourist methods made us feel like failures because the advice was so rigid it made it hard to follow well.</p>
<h2>Instructing parents</h2>
<p>Books about children’s sleep often take an authoritative or moralising tone with parents: an expert telling them what to do rather than a peer discussing ideas to try to help with their children’s sleep. We found these in both behaviourist and gentle parenting approaches.</p>
<p>A routine-driven, behaviourist approach, such as that taken in psychologist Tanya Byron’s 2008 <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=0SnUVwAflKcC&oi=fnd&pg=PA9&dq=tanya+byron+your+toddler+&ots=tn8poyjESE&sig=GVgnrAx4wsWPOuoulrb3Aw-TwsI&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=tanya%20byron%20your%20toddler&f=false">Your Toddler</a>, lays out how to respond to a child’s behaviour to get them to sleep through the night in their own bed. The book recommends that children who sleep through the night – the approved behaviour – should be rewarded, for example with a sticker. </p>
<p>In <a href="https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/343547/new-toddler-taming-by-green-dr-christopher/9781446459348">New Toddler Taming</a> (2011) a book which also takes a behaviourist approach, paediatrician Christopher Green suggests use of his “patent rope trick” to keep children in their bedrooms, though noting that “to some, if not most, parents it’s going to seem a little bit old-fashioned and a fair bit silly”: </p>
<p>“Take a length of rope and loop one end around the <em>inner</em> handle of the toddler’s bedroom door. Attach the other end to the <em>outer</em> handle of a nearby door. Carefully adjust the rope so that when the bedroom door is pulled open, the aperture is a little less than the diameter of the offending child’s head. As all of you who have had babies know, if the head is not going to get out, nothing is. The result is that the toddler is not locked in, they just cannot get out.” </p>
<p>He adds that a light should be left on outside the bedroom, so the child will not become frightened, yet at the same time the child is “very aware that bed is the place he is meant to be. He may resort to crying to break your resolve but once again this ploy will fail when you use the rope trick in conjunction with the controlled crying technique.”</p>
<p>Gina Ford, a former maternity nurse and author of bestselling infant sleep books, also takes a behaviourist approach in her book <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Contented-Toddler-Years-Gina-Ford/dp/0091912660">The Contented Toddler Years</a>. This includes briefly comforting a crying child before putting them back in their cot or bed. But the assertion that this is unlikely to be necessary more than once or twice before the child goes to sleep can seem improbable when faced with a living, breathing toddler. </p>
<p>American paediatrician <a href="https://www.sterling.edu/sites/default/files/nighttime-parenting-how-to-get-your-baby-and-child-to-sleep-william-sears-8b83fca.pdf">William Sears’</a> book Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep takes a gentle parenting approach. Sears argues for a “lazy” method that meets a baby’s needs while also preserving the parents’ own sleep by sharing a bed. </p>
<p>Co-sleeping – children sleeping in the same bed as their parent – means that parents can meet their child’s needs during the night as they would be met during the day, by connecting with them and offering cuddles and being emotionally available. This approach, however, may not be particularly helpful to parents who struggle to get enough sleep when sharing a bed with a child, or who feel they need some time alone. </p>
<p>Constant availability from a parent – maintaining the “powerful biological connection between you and your baby” – is also recommended in <a href="https://www.pinkymckay.com/">Pinky McKay’s</a> 2006 gentle parenting book <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sleeping-Like-Baby-Solutions-Toddlers/dp/0143004522">Sleeping Like a Baby</a>. This advice comes alongside examples of the negative results of not responding to infant wakes for children later in life. In one quote, a mother says: “I feel devastated that I have betrayed my child.”</p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.7765/9781847794161">Other research</a> that has looked at how mothering has changed since the end of the second world war found that overly strict advice often resulted in mothers feeling ambivalent about parenting books from “experts”. </p>
<p>This was our experience as parents. Our own feelings and experiences with managing – or failing to manage – sleep were very much entwined in the reading process. We tried to implement advice from parenting books, failed, and then found our own ways through. </p>
<p>As researchers, we also found that there was little space given in these books for individual contexts, such as the baby or parent’s temperament, or factors such as ethnicity, social class, or additional needs such as neurodiversity. There was no mention of the views of the children themselves.</p>
<p>The management of children’s sleep was treated as an issue with a one-size-fits-all solution. But children – and their parents – are individuals with their own needs. The blueprints offered in books offering advice on improving baby sleep should be read with caution; we cannot make a child sleep.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/208701/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Alexandra Scherer received funding from The British Academy for the start of this research project on sleep.</span></em></p>We found each of the books tended to give parents one approach for dealing with their child’s sleep, rather than a range of options.Alexandra Scherer, Lecturer in Childhood Studies, University of PortsmouthLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1941632023-01-03T19:16:57Z2023-01-03T19:16:57ZKids driving you crazy? Try these science-backed anger management tips for parents<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/493994/original/file-20221108-25-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C8%2C6000%2C3979&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/angry-black-woman-screaming-in-room-6382710/">Photo by Liza Summer/Pexels</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>You’re running late for work, your eight-year-old can’t find the homework they were supposed to have put in their school bag last night, your four-year-old objects to the blue t-shirt you’d prepared and wants the other shade of blue, and then you step on a Lego piece that didn’t get packed away when you asked.</p>
<p>Even if you haven’t encountered this exact situation, just thinking about it might raise your hackles. Parenting comes with many emotions. Anger and frustration are not uncommon and may have been <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-022-00379-5">exacerbated</a> by the stressors of the COVID-19 pandemic.</p>
<p>It’s OK for children to see parents experience and manage different emotions. But when getting angry, yelling and shouting are a default response, this can have negative consequences for children (and parents). </p>
<p>Here’s what you can do instead.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A woman grasps her head in fury." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/493995/original/file-20221108-19-n12318.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">When getting angry, yelling and shouting are a default response, it’s a problem.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-holding-her-head-2128817/">Photo by David Garrison/Pexels</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
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<h2>When is anger a problem and what’s at stake?</h2>
<p>Anger is a problem when it is too frequent, too intense or when it disrupts your relationships. </p>
<p>Parental hostility has been associated with:</p>
<ul>
<li><p><a href="https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/cdep.12095">children’s executive functioning</a> (their ability to think and reason)</p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0273229711000268">relational aggression</a> (aggression toward others)</p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032715000543">internalising problems</a>; and </p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301051118301248">anxiety</a>. </p></li>
</ul>
<p>One study found children who received harsh verbal discipline were likely to experience <a href="https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/cdev.12143">more symptoms of depression and behavioural problems as adolescents</a>.</p>
<p>A parent’s propensity to <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735821001422?casa_token=xximau3MPqwAAAAA:4RT336prdQNIYUV0FoYvsT7IxSjdM3EAROFqrGA-iIJaLSbVQ1cxdXFsxTmbbzkx3D8dbDz3PHE">react emotionally</a> can increase the likelihood parents will react more harshly, punish their child excessively, or smack their child.</p>
<p>Extensive research has shown <a href="https://theconversation.com/research-shows-its-harmful-to-smack-your-child-so-what-should-parents-do-instead-186739">smacking</a> is harmful for children’s development.</p>
<h2>Reducing the risk of conflict</h2>
<p>Parenting isn’t easy and doesn’t come with a manual. Many everyday situations can contribute to parents experiencing irritation and anger.</p>
<p>The best way to manage anger is to try to reduce the likelihood these situations will arise. </p>
<p>Parenting programs that focus on positive parenting practices, can improve the lives of <a href="https://link.springer.com/epdf/10.1007/s10578-021-01309-0?sharing_token=85NNTOc3CNC5kn-fajy7i_e4RwlQNchNByi7wbcMAY4Jlx2ius8ljlvrVOy52z-wmj_Wb5N___MA4OIwvlD96BmGxgVoxQ84eVaeLtRuDZuwXugqjjACjFJiNZEINYAPNOHyHwydOkqAjL3TILpXaxOyfO78uGKWeMiMRrW9ids%3D">children, parents and families</a>, decrease <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2006-03253-002.html">parent anger</a> and <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1132055915000502">reduce the risk of maltreatment</a>. Many evidence-based parenting programs are available.</p>
<p>Important strategies to reduce the likelihood of problems arising in the first place include:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>focusing on the positive</p></li>
<li><p>building strong relationships with children</p></li>
<li><p>communicating effectively </p></li>
<li><p>praising children</p></li>
<li><p>teaching children independence skills</p></li>
<li><p>putting in place effective family routines</p></li>
<li><p>having clear rules and boundaries and backing them up with appropriate consequences.</p></li>
</ul>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A father and son are set against a sunset background." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496099/original/file-20221118-24-hzn3fw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Building strong relationships with children reduced the risk of problems arising in the first place.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Looking after yourself</h2>
<p>It is much harder to be calm, patient and persistent when parents’ own needs are not met and when parents are stressed or under pressure.</p>
<p>An important aspect of managing emotional reactivity is to look after your own wellbeing. </p>
<p>Take time out for yourself, balance your work and family responsibilities, and talk to your partner or other carers and support people about how you can get some time to yourself.</p>
<p>Strategies based on <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X17300520?casa_token=wCqIPvFo74YAAAAA:JIAi7SddE-zLHxO73vE5420Ch_J15-yz2N08QyNsi5jW-vY37qxAfer2Wg3BeR0ZcqR8hZckpkA">cognitive behavioural approaches</a> – such as relaxation and breathing exercises – can also be helpful ways to reduce anger.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A woman walks in the bush." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/496098/original/file-20221118-14-dhxfk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">It’s important for parents to take time out for themselves, where possible.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>OK but I still need help managing my anger in the moment. What now?</h2>
<p>So you’ve done the parenting program, you’re looking after yourself and still you find yourself struggling to tame your anger. That Lego piece really hurt and how many times do you have to ask for things to be packed up anyway?</p>
<p>Sometimes even the best preparation and prevention strategies may not avoid a particular problem, so having a plan for what you can do in that moment is important.</p>
<p>When fury rages inside you, start by taking a few deep breaths. Focusing on relaxing muscles or counting to ten – anything to slow down your emotional reaction – can be helpful. </p>
<p>Remind yourself your child hasn’t done this on purpose and that while it’s frustrating, you <em>can</em> stay calm.</p>
<p>What we say to ourselves about a situation and why it happened can also increase our feelings of anger. </p>
<p>Research shows the attributions we make – meaning the explanations or reasons we have for situations or for our child’s behaviour – can play an <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15295192.2016.1184954">important role</a> in the way we react emotionally.</p>
<p>For example, if you think your child is deliberately trying to make your life miserable with their t-shirt choices, you are more likely to feel angry.</p>
<p>If, on the other hand, you say to yourself, “This is important to them and they’re only four,” you are much more likely to stay calm. </p>
<p>Try to catch the negative thoughts that come into your head in those situations that make you feel angry. Replace them with more helpful ones. </p>
<p>For examples, rather than saying “This is just not fair” you could say “This is upsetting, but I can deal with it.” It might feel awkward at first, but give it a try. </p>
<p>Anger is a human emotion. It can motivate us to persist in the face of difficulties, can be a way of reducing tension and can act as a signal to deal with a stressor we’re facing. </p>
<p>It can also cause harm to ourselves, our children and our relationships if it is not managed well. </p>
<p>Finding effective ways to positively manage those feelings of annoyance and irritation is important to ensuring positive family relationships.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/what-parents-can-do-to-make-a-childs-chronic-illness-easier-41359">What parents can do to make a child's chronic illness easier</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/194163/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The Parenting and Family Support Centre is partly funded by royalties stemming from published resources of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, which is developed and owned by The University of Queensland (UQ). Royalties are also distributed to the Faculty of Health and Behavioural Sciences at UQ and contributory authors of published Triple P resources. Triple P International (TPI) Pty Ltd is a private company licensed by Uniquest Pty Ltd on behalf of UQ, to publish and disseminate Triple P worldwide. Dr Morawska has no share or ownership of TPI. Dr Morawska receives royalties from TPI. TPI had no involvement in the writing of this articles. Dr Morawska is an employee at UQ. Dr Morawska is on the Board of Directors of the Parenting and Family Research Alliance.</span></em></p>The best way to manage anger is to try to reduce the likelihood that these situations will arise. But even so, having a plan for what can you do when anger strikes is important.Alina Morawska, Deputy Director (Research), Parenting and Family Support Centre, The University of QueenslandLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1842822022-07-07T16:43:50Z2022-07-07T16:43:50ZWhat is gentle parenting? An expert explains<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/471917/original/file-20220630-18-141qs7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C20%2C6709%2C4446&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/serious-african-american-father-son-sitting-2037016271">wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>In the past decade, the concept of “gentle” or “respectful” parenting has gained <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/91918955-db14-4327-bda5-ab776926d15a">considerable traction</a>. The foundation of the idea is in being a parent who is emotionally attuned to their child, and tries to understand the reasons behind their behaviour.</p>
<hr>
<iframe id="noa-web-audio-player" style="border: none" src="https://embed-player.newsoveraudio.com/v4?key=x84olp&id=https://theconversation.com/what-is-gentle-parenting-an-expert-explains-184282&bgColor=F5F5F5&color=D8352A&playColor=D8352A" width="100%" height="110px"></iframe>
<p><em>You can listen to more articles from The Conversation, narrated by Noa, <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/topics/audio-narrated-99682">here</a>.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>There is great value in this, but it is not the whole story. Children also need their carers to set clear limits.</p>
<p>A common theme of gentle parenting is that parents should not rush in and immediately condemn their children if they don’t like what they’re doing. Instead, they should stop and listen to their child, then validate their feelings. For example, they might say “so you are cross and shouting because you think your brother was being unfair when he took your toy, and that upset you”. </p>
<p>Gentle parenting suggests that when a parent shows understanding of the child’s emotional state, it will help the child to calm down. Only after doing this should the parent decide what to do. This approach also has the longer-term aim of promoting emotional intelligence. The idea is that as children grow older they will learn to identify their own emotions more thoughtfully and act more appropriately.</p>
<p>Higher emotional intelligence is associated with <a href="https://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/15/6/1073">fewer emotional problems</a> and <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2019-74947-001.html">higher school attainment</a>. </p>
<hr>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/birth-control-what-to-expect-if-you-choose-to-come-off-it-182964?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Birth control: what to expect if you choose to come off it</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/covid-vaccines-for-children-under-five-what-parents-need-to-know-183994?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">COVID vaccines for children under five: what parents need to know</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/vegan-and-vegetarian-diets-may-lack-certain-nutrients-heres-how-to-get-more-of-them-183561?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Vegan and vegetarian diets may lack certain nutrients – here’s how to get more of them</a></em></p>
<hr>
<p>But we also know that, when it comes to the parent-child relationship, how the parent responds to their child is crucial. After listening and clarifying what the child is feeling, the parent then needs to build on this to help the child think calmly and positively about the problem and find a good solution. </p>
<h2>Responding to children</h2>
<p>Parents who do this are, in the language of child development, “responding sensitively” to their children, both when the child is upset and when they are happy. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fa0027852">A research study</a> of more than 1,000 pairs of children and mothers showed that children whose mothers responded sensitively in their first three years of life had better social skills at age 15 and also performed better academically. </p>
<p>What’s more, parenting like this can be learnt. I <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15374416.2012.723262?journalCode=hcap20">carried out research</a> with colleagues in which groups of parents and children attended a two-hour session each week over three months. In this time, parents were encouraged to get down on the floor to play with the children in a particular way where they make positive comments on the child’s play activity and keep up a positive tone. </p>
<p>They also avoided asking questions, which interrupts the child’s imaginative play and imposes the adult’s agenda. This led to an improvement in sensitively responding from parents. It also resulted in enduring improvements in child adjustment and reading ability, as seen in <a href="https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2014.13050697">our follow-up study</a> of the children into adolescence.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Mother and son playing" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/471921/original/file-20220630-18-13yp3e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/471921/original/file-20220630-18-13yp3e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/471921/original/file-20220630-18-13yp3e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/471921/original/file-20220630-18-13yp3e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/471921/original/file-20220630-18-13yp3e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/471921/original/file-20220630-18-13yp3e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/471921/original/file-20220630-18-13yp3e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Responding sensitively to children can be done when they are happy as well as upset.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/young-mother-her-2-years-old-322337921">Alena Ozerova/Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>However, this is only half the story. In addition to the warm close relationship created by sensitive responses to a child, boundaries need to be set as well. Children need to be able to live in the world with other people and get on with other children and adults. They need to learn how to fit in with externally imposed rules and that there are consequences if they do not. Children need both love and limits. </p>
<h2>Setting boundaries</h2>
<p>The trick is to set limits calmly and not be angry or explosive as a parent. A frustrated reaction is often unconscious and related to the way the parents themselves were brought up; they may not know any other way.</p>
<p>The good news is that parents can learn calm, effective discipline. If parents pay lots of attention when children are misbehaving, they are more likely to <a href="https://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007/978-0-387-79061-9_589">continue to behave badly</a>. The drive for children to feel connected to their parents is so strong that, especially in a background where there is not much attention to go round, they will prefer negative attention to none. They soon learn that they need to play up to connect, so misbehaving becomes more frequent. </p>
<p>The solution is to briefly withdraw attention when children are misbehaving, followed by engaging with them warmly when they are behaving better. At this point, emotional feelings can be aired and an appropriate response should be set. Such an apparently simple regime takes a bit of learning, but usually has a striking effect on <a href="https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcpp.13483">improving behaviour</a>. </p>
<p>Also, crucially, if children are encouraged and paid warm attention when they are behaving well, they will do more of it. </p>
<p>There is good evidence that listening to your child and showing that you have understood them can be helpful, so long as the next step is to respond sensitively and if necessary set a calm limit. All this needs to be in the context of a positive relationship where the parent takes the time to have fun with their child.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/184282/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Stephen Scott receives funding from the National Institute for Health Research to carry out trials of parenting interventions</span></em></p>Gentle parenting holds that parents should try to understand their child’s emotional state.Stephen Scott, Professor of Child Health and Behaviour and Consultant Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, King's College LondonLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/901222018-01-23T19:09:41Z2018-01-23T19:09:41ZHow to gently prepare your child for prep<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202379/original/file-20180118-114718-1v2tja1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Parents can effectively manage their children's relationships with schools in many positive ways. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><hr>
<p><em>This piece is the first in <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/back-to-school-2018-48951">a series</a> that draws on the latest research on back to school transitions. In it, the experts explain how best to prepare children for school, and counter difficulties such as stress or bad behaviour.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>There are so many <a href="https://theconversation.com/from-tiger-to-free-range-parents-what-research-says-about-pros-and-cons-of-popular-parenting-styles-57986">ways to raise your children</a>, and it seems more and more parents are trying to be gentle in their approaches. But this can be tricky once they hit school age. From about age five, children spend a significant amount of their time in school. In fact, Australian children spend <a href="http://www.oecd-ilibrary.org/docserver/download/9617041e.pdf?expires=1516249988&id=id&accname=guest&checksum=A9924FA5B9A93A20734BCCC3298E4DFE">the second most</a> amount of time in primary education out of all OECD countries.</p>
<p>So, working out ways to align with the school system is vital to your children’s adaptation to this new place <a href="http://www.oecd.org/education/skills-beyond-school/EDIF%202014--N22%20(eng).pdf">they’ll spend most of their time</a>. </p>
<h2>Early ways to get your child ready for prep</h2>
<p>It’s <a href="https://search.informit.com.au/documentSummary;dn=975259531794392;res=IELHSS">widely acknowledged</a> parents are a powerful force in a child’s school success. In many ways, the <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-58329-7_2">parents’ transition to school</a> can be just as important as that of the child. So, it’s vital parents and children share a positive and enthusiastic attitude to school. </p>
<p>This attitude can be fostered in many ways. These ways include:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>reading books that associate positive feelings about school (see some good lists <a href="https://www.weareteachers.com/14-perfect-picture-books-for-the-first-weeks-of-school/">here</a> and <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/first-day-of-school">here</a>)</p></li>
<li><p>parents talking positively about their good times at school </p></li>
<li><p>and even talking with siblings, cousins or others who are at school and enjoying their time there. </p></li>
</ul>
<p><a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=N9g1DwAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA167&dq=parents+role+in+school+success&ots=v_WxKfdITy&sig=udM9QsuTw21tLPZR7CNyrsyTGEY#v=onepage&q=parents%20role%20in%20school%20success&f=false">Researchers</a> argue parents can assist by validating children’s nervous feelings about school and supporting them exploring these feelings.</p>
<h2>Gentle ways to encourage positive associations with school</h2>
<p>A <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13158-014-0127-4">study</a> of children’s starting school coping strategies suggests children who develop positive relationships with teachers and other children are more likely to experience success. </p>
<p>So, parents can effectively manage their children’s relationships with schools in many positive ways. Keeping the lines of communication open, for parents, teachers and children, is vital to managing these interactions. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-avoid-toxic-disputes-between-parents-and-teachers-51204">How to avoid toxic disputes between parents and teachers</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Similarly, a positive relationship between teacher and child is significant. <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0885200615000095">Teacher-child closeness</a> is positively associated with perceptions of good behaviour. And, if the child has a <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0885200615000095">positive experience of kindergarten</a>, they are more likely to engage positively at school, so relationships with kindergarten teachers are also vital. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202382/original/file-20180118-114747-12bnkys.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202382/original/file-20180118-114747-12bnkys.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202382/original/file-20180118-114747-12bnkys.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202382/original/file-20180118-114747-12bnkys.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202382/original/file-20180118-114747-12bnkys.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202382/original/file-20180118-114747-12bnkys.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202382/original/file-20180118-114747-12bnkys.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Teacher-parent and teacher-student relationships are really important in fostering a positive school experience.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>At the peer level, there’s a strong correlation between <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=TAYSBAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA120&dq=child+peer+relationships+and+school+success&ots=0uwUlX31Rl&sig=MSRB2oPTeSYESzNFynFVKMhXiNQ#v=onepage&q=child%20peer%20relationships%20and%20school%20success&f=false">good peer relationships and children’s positive experiences of school</a>. <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?hl=en&lr=&id=jAa4CwAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PP1&dq=child+peer+relationships+and+parents&ots=U4CLza0JHb&sig=_CDJaSfHGUeN54QPFvyawzNHuOc#v=onepage&q=child%20peer%20relationships%20and%20parents&f=false">Parents</a> can model good relationships with peers by having good relationships with friends as well as organising play dates that allow for positive peer interactions. </p>
<p>It’s probably unsurprising children who <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/icd.1840/full">exhibit positive social-emotional development</a> are likely to be successful at school. These children will demonstrate socially and culturally appropriate reactions to situations and will be able to manage their emotional reactions to stressful events. </p>
<p>At the personal level, there are several traits associated with positive transitions to school. Research suggests <a href="https://search.proquest.com/openview/28135e038185a9afd8902a25c2401705/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=2031381">a child’s mindfulness</a> can be helpful in managing transitions to school. Mindfulness for young children involves <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4485612/">setting daily intentions</a> and checking in with themselves to <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4323355/">manage their emotions</a>.</p>
<p>Many <a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">gentle parents</a> practice open, non-judgemental and non-violent communication in their interactions with their children.</p>
<p>In addition, a child’s <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-47143-3_12">self-regulation</a> is said to impact their success in transitioning to school. <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-47143-3_12#Sec3">Self-regulatory behaviours</a> include control over attention, inhibitions and working memory, and this is said to influence their health and well-being across the course of their lives.</p>
<p>This development can be seen in the <a href="https://steinhardt.nyu.edu/scmsAdmin/uploads/001/749/2%20CDev%20Blair%20Razza.pdf">temperaments of children</a> who are best disposed to coping with school. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202388/original/file-20180118-122946-hwr7t1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202388/original/file-20180118-122946-hwr7t1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202388/original/file-20180118-122946-hwr7t1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202388/original/file-20180118-122946-hwr7t1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202388/original/file-20180118-122946-hwr7t1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202388/original/file-20180118-122946-hwr7t1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202388/original/file-20180118-122946-hwr7t1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Listening to and naming emotions your child is expressing can be helpful.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Parents can help their children learn many skills that will help them transition successfully to school. For example, by <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-47143-3_12">encouraging children to stop</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-discipline-your-children-without-rewards-or-punishment-39178">calm down and breathe through their feelings</a>, parents can help their children be mindful of their feelings and manage those feelings. These behaviours are encouraged in gentle parenting literature. </p>
<p>Self-regulation can be promoted by <a href="https://www.earlychildhoodireland.ie/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Self-Regulation_Florez_OnlineJuly20111.pdf">helping children wait their turn</a> for toys with siblings or play equipment with other children. Again, <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/sode.12217/full">listening to and naming feelings</a> the child is expressing can be helpful. </p>
<p>The encouragement of the temperaments associated with school success are important. <a href="http://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S0256-01002014000200021">Research</a> suggests there is a correlation between the child’s stress reactions (do they explode or have a tantrum?) and inappropriate behaviour. </p>
<p>Positive temperaments can be fostered in a <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17405629.2016.1161506">calm and cool classroom environment</a>. They can also be fostered by parents’ following <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-10190-012">authoritative parenting practices</a>. <a href="https://theconversation.com/from-tiger-to-free-range-parents-what-research-says-about-pros-and-cons-of-popular-parenting-styles-57986">Authoritative parenting</a> involves demanding excellence from your children, balanced with being highly responsive to their needs. <a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">Gentle parents</a> are authoritative in their approach. For example, parents will give clear instructions, set boundaries, be warm and nurturing and encourage autonomy. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">'Gentle parenting' explainer: no rewards, no punishments, no misbehaving kids</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>What schools and teachers can do</h2>
<p>There are many ways schools can gently encourage readiness. These strategies include the development of positive home-school relationships, which are <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-94-6300-361-2_4">very important to children’s happiness at school</a>. <a href="https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED438026.pdf#page=160">Research</a> suggests few schools have meaningful contact with parents, which is especially important at times of transition, especially from kindergarten to school. </p>
<p>A friend, whose son is about to start prep, noted how important simple things like a card and a photo of her son’s new teacher was in helping her child cope with the stress of “big school”. He has moved from being apprehensive, to seeing his teacher as a person encouraged by his mother who has used the picture to build an excitement about his upcoming experience.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/90122/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rebecca English does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Encouraging positive associations with school, good temperament and keeping communication open between parents, children and teachers can help your child (and you) be more ready for this transition.Rebecca English, Lecturer in Education, Queensland University of TechnologyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/419712015-06-08T20:09:47Z2015-06-08T20:09:47ZShould we teach our children to share? Or let nature take its course?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/82810/original/image-20150525-32548-3olhd4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">You don't share your phone with strangers Mum, so I'm not sharing my doll with her. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com.au</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>A new parenting trend focuses on <a href="http://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">parents dictating less</a> and leaving children to behave in line with their “natural inclination”. The belief is that the child can eventually figure out they should do the “right” thing for the <a href="http://theconversation.com/how-to-discipline-your-children-without-rewards-or-punishment-39178">sake of doing what is right</a>, not because their parents told them to, or offered a reward.</p>
<p>It’s a surprisingly popular idea – and a real shift away from the behaviourism models that suggest children need modelling or direct teaching of correct behaviour and rewards or punishments <a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html">to shape their development</a>.</p>
<p>If we take a bigger-picture view of parenting, the end goal (hopefully) is to produce a child who can function effectively in society as an adult. And herein has arisen one of the latest questions from these new-age “aparents”: should you teach your child to share? Or, should you go one step further and deliberately teach them not to share? </p>
<h2>To share or not to share – that is the question</h2>
<p>Before you think this is just another fleeting parenting fad, according to the author of <a href="http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/365/This-Mom-Perfectly-Explains-Why-She-Does-Not-Teach-Her-Kids-To-Share">this blog</a>, the “you don’t have to share” approach is being implemented as policy at her child’s preschool. </p>
<p>The main argument put forth is that, in our culture, adults aren’t required to share (their iPhones or sunglasses for example), so why teach such an attitude in our children? On the surface it seems like a fair point – it makes little sense to teach a child to follow a value system that will not be required in their adult years. </p>
<p>A secondary argument is that the law of the jungle (playground) will just as effectively teach children the rules of society without requiring direct parental interference. In other words, let them work it out themselves. </p>
<p>I have some sympathy for this point. <a href="http://theconversation.com/bulldozer-parents-creating-psychologically-fragile-children-32730">I’ve previously documented my concerns</a> about “helicopter” or “bulldozer” parenting and how over-interference from parents may do more harm than good.</p>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82907/original/image-20150526-24748-a1csla.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Should we leave the kids to figure it out for themselves?</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>However, counter-arguments to both these points are fairly easy to arrive at. While there are certain items we are not expected to share as adults, they tend to be specific and/or situational. </p>
<p>I have, in fact, shared both my phone and my sunglasses when someone had a greater need for them than me (when an urgent call needed to be made and when the driver of the vehicle I was travelling in forgot their sunglasses). </p>
<p>Also many of our social traditions, for example “bringing a plate”, are predicated on the idea of sharing. It’s really not okay for me to arrive at a barbecue empty-handed and proceed to gobble up the food everybody else had provided. So rather than a total no-share policy, which certainly relieves both parents and teachers of getting involved in a lot of fights, perhaps we need to teach children what kind of sharing is socially expected, and when.</p>
<h2>Be prepared to accept the ‘jungle’ consequences</h2>
<p>As to leaving it to the playground, there has been some very good research looking at what happens when children fail to share. Some interesting sex differences have been noted. </p>
<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=432&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=432&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=432&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=543&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=543&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/82908/original/image-20150526-24766-179n0wn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=543&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Boys are more likely to ask for the toy, or just take it.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>For example, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/catalyst/stories/3185243.htm">the television program Catalyst documented an experiment</a> with preschool boys and girls who were given one valued toy to share between them. The boys tend to be very direct, either asking for or snatching the toy. And I think we all know that, left to run, this could very quickly turn into a slap, hit or punch.</p>
<p>Girls tend to be more passive-aggressive and instead “bully by exclusion”, ignoring the girl with the toy and playing their own game. Eventually the girl with the toy gives it up in order to be included in the group.</p>
<p>Sharing appears to be a human trait <a href="http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v476/n7360/full/nature10278.html#close">rooted in evolution</a>, probably to ensure the <a href="http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v454/n7208/full/nature07155.html">best possible chance of survival</a> of a whole group. And research has shown that children who display “prosocial” traits such as sharing demonstrate better outcomes in terms of <a href="http://pss.sagepub.com/content/11/4/302.short">academic achievement</a> and <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1348/026151003322277757/abstract">popularity</a>.</p>
<p>So leaving children to discover the natural consequences of their behaviour is probably a reasonable argument. So long as those same parents who advocate this approach don’t complain if little Johnny comes home with a split lip, or if no-one invites little Sally to their birthday party.</p>
<p>Allowing the law of the jungle to dish up life-lessons is fine, so long as you’re happy to accept the justice that it delivers.</p>
<p>Whether we end up with a society of sharers or non-sharers may well depend on how we have shaped our children’s expectations. I’ll leave to readers to ponder which kind of society they would prefer to live in…</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/41971/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rachael Sharman does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Should we teach our kids to share their things considering adults don’t share their possessions? Shouldn’t kids be taught not to use things that aren’t theirs? Maybe we should just let them figure things out for themselves.Rachael Sharman, Lecturer in Psychology, University of the Sunshine CoastLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/391782015-03-25T19:18:36Z2015-03-25T19:18:36ZHow to discipline your children without rewards or punishment<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/75620/original/image-20150323-14630-59nam6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Discipline is necessary for children, but we need to teach them to self-discipline, not bribe them to be good. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Emiliano</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Many parents are moving towards “<a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">gentle parenting</a>”, where they choose not to use rewards (sticker charts, lollies, chocolates, TV time as “bribes”) and punishments (taking away “privileges”, time-out, smacking) to encourage good behaviour, but encourage good behaviour for the sake of doing the right thing.</p>
<p>Gentle parents argue that to offer rewards and punishments <a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/article/risks-rewards/">overrides a child’s natural inclination</a> towards appropriate behaviour by teaching them to behave in certain ways purely <a href="http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html">to receive a reward</a>, or to avoid punishment. </p>
<h2>What is discipline?</h2>
<p>For most people it would seem impossible to discipline without rewards and punishments. However, it depends on your understanding of “discipline”. Discipline always has a silent “<a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/use-positive-discipline">self</a>” in front of it because it’s about controlling yourself. </p>
<p>So, in the case of parenting, it’s about helping children learn to manage themselves, their feelings, their behaviour and their impulses. We want our children to develop a sound moral compass, to sort behaviours, impulses and feelings into “appropriate” and “inappropriate” and be able to justify judgements about their choices.</p>
<p>When the term discipline is used, it is often in a sense that implies punishment. This meaning is implied because discipline is associated with a <a href="http://link.springer.com/referenceworkentry/10.1007%2F978-1-4419-1428-6_750">behaviourist</a> view of how humans learn. <a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/behaviorism.html">Behaviourism</a> is associated with <a href="http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/naik.html">conditioning</a>, a process whereby learning is an association between behaviour and good or bad outcome, just like in <a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/pavlov.html">Pavlov’s dog experiment</a>. </p>
<p>However, <a href="http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/behaviorism/#7">behaviourism is used less and less</a> because human behaviour is seen as more <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books?id=bZY7I2_8yRMC&pg=PA371&lpg=PA371&dq=human+behavior+more+complex+than+behaviorism&source=bl&ots=itr6319X6s&sig=ED9qlVmeI8zETOoo-X2gZzH1g-c&hl=en&sa=X&ei=t4EPVda7HIbm8AW1xILQCg&ved=0CFUQ6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=human%20behavior%20more%20complex%20than%20behaviorism&f=false">complex</a> than a simple rewards/punishments model suggests. Behaviourism is also problematic because it implies people behave in desirable ways only to <a href="http://la.utexas.edu/users/hcleaver/330T/350kPEEKohnCh8.pdf">secure rewards or minimise punishments</a>. </p>
<p>We don’t want our children to behave in a way that’s desirable just because they might get something or get into trouble if caught. We want our children to do the right thing because they know it’s right, and because they want to do right.</p>
<h2>Motivating children intrinsically not extrinsically</h2>
<p>Behaviourism teaches children to look for <a href="http://www.csse.uwa.edu.au/%7Epk/motivation.html">external motivations</a> to behave in a desirable way. It has been said that rewards and punishments override a child’s <a href="http://courses.umass.edu/psyc360/lepper%20greene%20nisbett.pdf">natural inclination</a> to do the right thing because they rely on extrinsic (external things that are used to motivate us) rather than intrinsic (a motivator that is internal and usually a feeling of well-being that comes over us when we choose to do something) motivators. </p>
<p>There is a great deal of research into <a href="http://www.businessinsider.com.au/why-incentives-dont-actually-make-people-do-better-work-2014-3">workplaces</a> showing that people <a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/article/best-results-forget-bonus/">do not perform better</a> when they’re offered what are known as extrinsic motivators. Surprisingly, that includes money, a better office, a better title or certificates.</p>
<p>Workplace research suggests that people will behave in desirable ways in their workplace when they feel <a href="http://www.hrworld.com/features/25-employee-rewards/">happy</a>. People feel <a href="http://iveybusinessjournal.com/publication/the-four-intrinsic-rewards-that-drive-employee-engagement/">happy at work</a> when they feel valued and they feel valued when they have <a href="http://tribehr.com/blog/motivation-in-the-workplace-what-drives-us">control over their life</a>. </p>
<p><a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/job.322/abstract;jsessionid=8717E554FC1736147ED3D73FA8F25028.f04t04">Control over life</a> is called agency. Most of the research reveals that people who have <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/cap/49/1/14/">agency are happier and more productive</a>. </p>
<p>Similarly, in children, <a href="http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/richard_grossman.html">agency</a> is the ability to have <a href="http://chd.sagepub.com/content/14/2/193.short">some control over what they do</a>. If we think about it, children have <a href="http://chd.sagepub.com/content/6/3/353.short">very little control over their lives</a>. Their parents or caregivers determine most of their day – when they eat, what they wear, when they can go out, when they stay in, when they nap, just about everything.</p>
<p>While there are serious safety concerns with children, we can soften our approach and give them more agency over their lives. The effect is likely to be happier children who feel more in control and are more likely to work with us to ensure everyone is happy.</p>
<h2>But, we can’t give children free rein, it’d be mayhem!</h2>
<p>You are probably reading this and thinking, in horror, that we can’t trust children to have control over their lives. After all, they’d play with knives, set fire to themselves/the dog/the house, play with the gas hobs or run onto the road.</p>
<p>Children need limits. They need to know what’s safe (playing in the safety of their yard) and what’s unsafe (knives, stoves, roads, immolating the dog). Telling a child they can’t do something unsafe is not the same as punishing them. Instead, you can follow these steps:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Stop the behaviour. If the child is about to run onto the road, scoop them up and hold them. If the child is about to hurt the dog, hold their hand and remove the weapon, if there is one. If the child is about to touch the hotplate move them away. If they’re being rude, you need to stop them too.</p></li>
<li><p>Say something along the lines of “[action] is unsafe, I won’t let you do [action]”. To use the running on the road example, you would say, “Running onto the road is dangerous; I won’t let you run onto the road.” Or, if they’re rude, you can say, “What you just said was hurtful, I won’t let you be hurtful to me/your sibling/someone else.”</p></li>
<li><p>They might cry, prepare for that. And that’s okay. I cry when I get a speeding ticket, but it doesn’t stop the offence being recorded.</p></li>
<li><p>If they are crying, try to listen to them and reassure them we’ve heard they’re upset. After all, they’ve just had their agency compromised by our concern for their safety. You could say something along the lines of, “I hear you have some big feelings about my stopping you from [whatever it was].” If it was the hotplate example, you could say, “I hear that you really wanted to see what the hotplate felt like, but I can’t let you touch it as it will burn you.” If they were being rude, you could say, “I know you don’t mean to be hurtful, but saying things like that can make people sad.”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>We need to help our children develop discipline, but we can do this without compromising their sense of self and their agency. It is about following the golden rule of life, “How would I want to be treated if I was in my child’s position?”</p>
<hr>
<p>Further reading on discipline:</p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/how-teachers-are-taught-to-discipline-a-classroom-might-not-be-the-best-way-34860">How teachers are taught to discipline a classroom might not be the best way</a></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/39178/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rebecca English does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Discipline is necessary for children, but we need to teach them to self-discipline, not bribe them to be good.Rebecca English, Lecturer in Education, Queensland University of TechnologyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/354182014-12-25T19:40:20Z2014-12-25T19:40:20Z2014, the year that was: Education<p>While 2013 was all about schools and their funding (remember <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/gonski-review">Gonski</a>, anyone?), 2014 was the year of <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/fee-deregulation">higher education reform</a>. Or, at least, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/senate-torpedoes-pynes-university-deregulation-34926">proposed</a></em> higher education “reform”.</p>
<p>With cuts to higher education funding and the <a href="https://theconversation.com/higher-ed-bill-explainer-what-will-pass-and-what-will-be-blocked-31019">prospect of fee deregulation</a> being some of the most maligned aspects of the May <a href="https://theconversation.com/federal-budget-2014-education-experts-react-26649">federal budget</a>, it was surprising that as much attention was being paid to Australia’s institutes of higher learning as is usually paid to our schools, hospitals and transport.</p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/facing-the-hard-questions-on-university-funding-25915">Most vice-chancellors</a>, albeit a few <a href="https://theconversation.com/stephen-parker-higher-education-changes-a-fraud-on-the-electorate-34909">glaring exceptions</a>, were in support of fee deregulation. They argued that the current funding system of unlimited student places (which was <a href="https://theconversation.com/demand-driven-system-review-experts-respond-23023">reviewed in April</a> and found to <a href="https://theconversation.com/demand-driven-university-funding-system-should-stay-25574">be a keeper</a>) and decreasing government support was unsustainable and universities needed to be set free.</p>
<p>However, many of <a href="https://theconversation.com/higher-education-the-age-of-pyne-the-destroyer-begins-26483">our experts</a> feared Australia’s politicians were unaware of the <a href="https://theconversation.com/three-misguided-beliefs-of-the-group-of-eight-universities-31334">drastic effect</a> this could have on our <a href="https://theconversation.com/more-expensive-more-elite-higher-education-in-five-years-26641">world-class system of higher education</a>, and especially <a href="https://theconversation.com/its-not-just-about-student-fees-its-about-institutionalised-inequity-27178">access to it</a> for all groups of Australian society.</p>
<p>After months of debate, negotiation and much hand-wringing, the Senate <a href="https://theconversation.com/a-tumultuous-year-in-higher-education-comes-to-a-close-another-soon-to-follow-34982">finally voted down</a> the bill in parliament’s last sitting week, only to have the bill’s champion, Education Minister Christopher Pyne, reintroduce it the very next day. </p>
<p>So, is another tumultuous year on the horizon in higher education? We’ll have to wait and see.</p>
<p>The debate separated <a href="https://theconversation.com/vice-chancellors-vs-the-collegiate-who-is-right-on-deregulation-33461">university staff from their leaders</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/regional-students-will-be-poorly-served-if-universities-compete-solely-on-price-29533">prestigious universities from middle-tier ones</a>. There was never a question that the prestigious Group of Eight would have more <a href="https://theconversation.com/trickle-up-only-the-elite-will-benefit-from-fee-deregulation-30218">pricing power</a> in a market system. One of our most-read pieces of 2014 outlined the worth of attending an elite university, which research found results in a <a href="https://theconversation.com/graduates-from-prestigious-universities-earn-more-over-their-lifetime-32832">slight salary increase</a> across a lifetime.</p>
<p>Paying for education was an important focus this year. We closely examined private schooling and whether the cost pays off. We found public school kids <a href="https://theconversation.com/state-school-kids-do-better-at-uni-29155">do better at university</a> than private school kids with the same tertiary entrance score, and post-university employment prospects and wages were <a href="https://theconversation.com/private-schooling-has-little-long-term-pay-off-30303">much the same</a>.</p>
<p>We didn’t only look at public and private schools, though. There’s been an increased interest in <a href="https://theconversation.com/principal-school-doesnt-work-for-most-kids-32733">doing education differently</a>, so we looked at alternative forms of education and options outside of public, private and Catholic schools.</p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/for-creativity-capability-and-resilience-steiner-schools-work-24763">Steiner</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/kids-choose-their-own-work-in-a-montessori-classroom-26452">Montessori</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/democratic-schooling-teachers-leave-them-kids-alone-24669">Democratic</a> schools are on the rise, and we looked at how these work in our <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/alternative-schooling">alternative schooling series</a>.</p>
<p>While thinking about different ways of doing things, our authors challenged what we thought we knew works in education. Misty Adoniou asked if we should <a href="https://theconversation.com/homework-whats-the-point-of-it-24123">scrap homework altogether</a>, and Rebecca English asked if parents should <a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">stop punishing and rewarding</a> their kids, and instead teach them to be good just for the sake of it.</p>
<p>The biggest news in schools this year was the government-commissioned review into the <a href="https://theconversation.com/national-curriculum-review-experts-respond-26913">national curriculum</a>. The review was just as controversial in its recommendations to have more of a focus on Australia’s <a href="https://theconversation.com/pyne-curriculum-review-prefers-analysis-free-myth-to-history-32956">“Judeo-Christian” heritage</a> as it was for its <a href="https://theconversation.com/a-spurr-to-abandoning-the-literary-canon-33529">appointments</a>. However, we’re yet to see changes actually reach our classrooms, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/will-the-curriculum-review-make-it-in-to-schools-its-a-political-waiting-game-33878">could be waiting for a while</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=535&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=535&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=535&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=672&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=672&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/67063/original/image-20141212-6057-wat5fo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=672&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">You guys sure do like spelling, or at least reading about it.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>What you seemed to enjoy the most though was looking at language: <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-some-kids-cant-spell-and-why-spelling-tests-wont-help-20497">spelling</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/grammar-matters-and-should-be-taught-differently-25604">grammar</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/aussie-slang-is-as-diverse-as-australia-itself-27973">Aussie slang</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/hopefully-literally-begs-the-question-the-three-most-annoying-misuses-in-english-26595">annoying misuses in English</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/are-those-damned-americanisms-really-american-32566">Americanisms</a>, and whether your kids were using language in the <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-most-important-thing-for-a-stutter-is-to-get-in-early-33402">way they should</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-tell-if-your-child-has-a-speech-or-language-impairment-31768">at the right ages</a>.</p>
<p>You also enjoyed our series on <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/bullying-in-schools">bullying in schools</a>, including <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-difference-between-bullying-and-everyday-life-27861">what is actually bullying</a> and what is just the argy bargy of everyday life. Our <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/exam-guide">exam guide</a>, which led up to end of year final exams, let you know <a href="https://theconversation.com/hsc-exam-guide-top-5-tips-on-how-to-blitz-your-humanities-exam-31789">how to study</a>, what to <a href="https://theconversation.com/hsc-exam-guide-what-to-eat-to-help-your-brain-31959">eat</a>, and how to <a href="https://theconversation.com/hsc-exam-guide-how-to-help-your-kids-through-this-stressful-time-31553">support loved ones</a> during this stressful time.</p>
<p><strong>But in case you missed them, here were our top five education stories for the year:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/why-some-kids-cant-spell-and-why-spelling-tests-wont-help-20497">Why some kids can’t spell and why spelling tests won’t help</a></p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/state-school-kids-do-better-at-uni-29155">State school kids do better at uni</a></p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/private-schooling-has-little-long-term-pay-off-30303">Private schooling has little long term pay off</a></p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678">‘Gentle parenting’ explainer: no rewards, no punishments, no misbehaving kids</a></p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-tell-if-your-child-has-a-speech-or-language-impairment-31768">How to tell if your child has a speech or language impairment</a></p></li>
</ol>
<p>And finally, we realise the education section has bombarded you with close-ups of this man all year. So here we pay homage to that with a few of our favourites. We’ve called it “The Many Faces of Pyne”:</p>
<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/35418/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
While 2013 was all about schools and their funding (remember Gonski, anyone?), 2014 was the year of higher education reform. Or, at least, proposed higher education “reform”. With cuts to higher education…Alexandra Hansen, Deputy Editor and Chief of Staff, The Conversation AUNZLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/316782014-09-25T20:07:02Z2014-09-25T20:07:02Z‘Gentle parenting’ explainer: no rewards, no punishments, no misbehaving kids<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/59214/original/cjgmgwkq-1410914769.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Gentle parenting means no punishments and no rewards: just a partnership with your kids where they want to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/downloading_tips.mhtml?code=&id=142149835&size=medium&image_format=jpg&method=download&super_url=http%3A%2F%2Fdownload.shutterstock.com%2Fgatekeeper%2FW3siZSI6MTQxMDk0MzU0MSwiYyI6Il9waG90b19zZXNzaW9uX2lkIiwiZGMiOiJpZGxfMTQyMTQ5ODM1IiwicCI6InYxfDEwMTI3NTg4fDE0MjE0OTgzNSIsImsiOiJwaG90by8xNDIxNDk4MzUvbWVkaXVtLmpwZyIsIm0iOiIxIiwiZCI6InNodXR0ZXJzdG9jay1tZWRpYSJ9LCJZYzBiRk93eWlZcmw0c0xHQmtRemsyQkZld00iXQ%2Fshutterstock_142149835.jpg&racksite_id=ny&chosen_subscription=1&license=standard&src=7ymR2sKz705Czx4k0u3rDA-1-95">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>In a piece in The Conversation, <a href="https://theconversation.com/yes-physically-disciplining-kids-is-an-act-of-violence-31425">Bernadette Saunders</a> described positive discipline. Parents who practise positive discipline or gentle parenting use neither rewards nor punishments to encourage their children to behave. </p>
<p>By “no rewards” I mean they don’t use charts or “bribes” such as lollies or toys. Many don’t even say “<a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm">good girl/boy</a>” or “<a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/02/parent-do-overs-7-confidence-building-responses/">good job</a>”. </p>
<p>And by “no punishments” I mean they don’t use time-outs, smacking, shaming or yelling. Forget the <a href="http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Discipline-and-Reward/Make-the-Naughty-Step-Work-for-You.aspx">naughty step</a>, forget the <a href="http://discipline.about.com/od/increasepositivebehaviors/a/Sticker-Charts-Motivate-Your-Preschooler-With-A-Reward-System.htm">sticker chart</a>, let’s take a journey into the world of <a href="http://www.economist.com/news/united-states/21593491-attempts-go-where-calm-and-reasonableness-fear-tread-beyond-naughty-step">gentle or positive discipline</a>, which aims to teach children empathy, self-control and calmness.</p>
<h2>What is discipline?</h2>
<p><a href="http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Parenting_discipline">Discipline</a> has come to mean many things in our culture. When we are discussing child rearing, we understand it to mean <a href="http://childparenting.about.com/od/behaviordiscipline/a/The-9-Biggest-Discipline-Mistakes.htm">reprimanding</a> a child for “bad behaviour”. The word discipline comes from the word disciple and means <a href="http://www.multiplyingconnections.org/become-trauma-informed/discipline-means-teach-or-train">to teach</a>. </p>
<p>The discipline advocated by gentle parenting families is internalised. They argue that to offer rewards and punishments overrides a child’s natural inclination to try. It teaches them to behave in certain ways <a href="http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html">for a reward</a>, or to avoid punishment.</p>
<p>Advocates of gentle parenting say that rewards and punishments do not encourage children to internalise <a href="http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/rewards.html">good behaviour for its own sake</a>.</p>
<h2>What might this type of approach look like?</h2>
<p>There are many websites and groups that can help you to practise this parenting approach. Here are a few steps that parents take to <a href="http://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/04/18/what-is-gentle-parenting/">encourage a partnership</a> with their children:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>They start from a place of <a href="http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=4933">connection</a> and believe that all behaviour stems from how connected the child is with their caregivers.</p></li>
<li><p>They give choices not <a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/10/if-gentle-discipline-isnt-working-this-might-be-the-reason/">commands</a> (“would you like to brush your teeth before or after you put on your pyjamas?”).</p></li>
<li><p>They take a <a href="http://www.playfulparenting.com">playful</a> approach. They might use playfulness to clean up (“let’s make a game of packing up these toys”) or to diffuse tension (having a playful pillow fight).</p></li>
<li><p>They allow <a href="http://www.baojournal.com/BDB%20WEBSITE/BDB-no-10/A01.pdf">feelings to run their course</a>. Rather than saying “shoosh”, or yelling “stop!”, parents actively listen to crying. They may say, “you have a lot of/strong feelings about [situation]”.</p></li>
<li><p>They describe the behaviour, not the child. So, rather than labelling a child as naughty or nice, they will explain the way actions make them feel. For example, “I get so frustrated cleaning crumbs off the couch.” </p></li>
<li><p>They <a href="http://www.littleheartsbooks.com">negotiate limits</a> where possible. If it’s time to leave the park, they might ask, “How many more minutes/swings before we leave?” However, they can be flexible and reserve “no” for situations that can hurt the child (such as running on the road or touching the hot plate) or others (including pets). They might say: “Hitting me/your sister/pulling the dog’s tail hurts, I won’t let you do that.”</p></li>
<li><p>They treat their children as partners in the family. A partnership means that the child is invited to help make decisions and to be included in the household tasks. Parents apologise when they get it wrong.</p></li>
<li><p>They will not do <a href="http://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/can-i-have-a-hug-helping-children-with-hello-and-goodbye/">forced affection</a>. When Uncle Ray wants to hug your child and s/he says no, then the child gets to say what happens to their body. They also don’t force <a href="http://www.today.com/parents/why-i-dont-force-my-kids-say-please-or-walk-1C7398514">please</a> or thank you.</p></li>
<li><p>They trust their children. What you might think of as “bad” behaviour is seen as the sign of an unmet need.</p></li>
<li><p>They take parental time-outs when needed. Before they crack, they step away, take a breath and regain their composure.</p></li>
</ol>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/59215/original/wspws4bw-1410915061.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">The most important aspect of positive discipline is the connection you have with your child.</span>
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<h2>What are the benefits?</h2>
<p>There are many sites that claim benefits to this approach. For example, <a href="http://www.attachmentparentingaustralia.com/#What_are_the_benefits_of_attachment_parenting">Attachment Parenting International</a> argues that the child is more sensitive to others’ needs because they have learnt to expect that their needs will be met, they will be treated with respect and they are equal partners in the family.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.positivediscipline.com/what-is-positive-discipline.html">Others</a> argue that it may take more effort, but is more effective, because punishment and rewards are only short-term solutions. As <a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.htm">Alfie Kohn</a> argues, using rewards and punishments is about doing things <em>to</em>, not <em>with</em> children. Taking a gentle parenting or positive discipline approach invites children to partner with their parents to learn how to live in the community as productive members.</p>
<h2>What are the problems?</h2>
<p>The problems people may see with this style of parenting generally stem from a problem of definition. Gentle parenting is not <a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/permissive-parenting">permissive parenting</a>. Permissive parenting means never saying no, not provoking tantrums or crying and always wanting to please the child. This style of parenting is the <a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/respectful-parenting-is-not-passive-parenting/">antithesis of gentle parenting</a>. </p>
<p>Sometimes parents who practise gentle parenting are described as <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sanctimommy/523533471000365">sanctimommies</a>. The term is meant to imply they are sanctimonious. However, the issue is generally with that individual parent, not their parenting style. </p>
<p>Gentle parenting also requires parental self-control, because you have to take a step back, think and ask, “What is my child’s behaviour communicating in this moment?” and, “What can I do differently to prevent this behaviour next time?”</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/31678/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rebecca English does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>In a piece in The Conversation, Bernadette Saunders described positive discipline. Parents who practise positive discipline or gentle parenting use neither rewards nor punishments to encourage their children…Rebecca English, Lecturer in Education, Queensland University of TechnologyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.