tag:theconversation.com,2011:/us/topics/shyness-10999/articlesShyness – The Conversation2023-08-23T19:30:49Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2065442023-08-23T19:30:49Z2023-08-23T19:30:49ZWhat is shyness? How to support shy children through back-to-school transitions<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540816/original/file-20230802-21-2smfoj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=7%2C465%2C4622%2C2705&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Many parents of shy children are likely to remark that their child has been this way for as long as they can remember.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><iframe style="width: 100%; height: 100px; border: none; position: relative; z-index: 1;" allowtransparency="" allow="clipboard-read; clipboard-write" src="https://narrations.ad-auris.com/widget/the-conversation-canada/what-is-shyness-how-to-support-shy-children-through-back-to-school-transitions" width="100%" height="400"></iframe>
<p>The beginning of a new school year can bring out many emotions in children. While some children may feel excited to reunite with their peers, others may feel nervous about meeting a new teacher. Some children may be eager to join a new club and others may feel too self-conscious to try out for a sports team in front of others. </p>
<p>Children who are shy are particularly likely to feel uneasy as the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/S0306-4530(01)00031-2">new school year</a> approaches. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13920">Shyness is characterized</a> by nervousness and self-consciousness in new social settings, around new people or when being the centre of attention. </p>
<p>Many parents of shy children are likely to remark that their child has been this way for as long as they can remember. This is not surprising, as shyness is thought to be rooted in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.1.122">temperament</a> — the early building blocks of personality that tend to emerge in infancy and toddlerhood and remain stable across development. Previous psychological <a href="https://doi.org/10.2307/1130685">research</a> has noted that approximately 15 per cent of children are temperamentally shy.</p>
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<img alt="A mother talking with child." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540822/original/file-20230802-22768-ma6m83.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540822/original/file-20230802-22768-ma6m83.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540822/original/file-20230802-22768-ma6m83.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540822/original/file-20230802-22768-ma6m83.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540822/original/file-20230802-22768-ma6m83.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540822/original/file-20230802-22768-ma6m83.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540822/original/file-20230802-22768-ma6m83.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Research has noted that about 15 per cent of children are tempermentally shy.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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<h2>How can I help my shy child as a new school year approaches?</h2>
<p>For shy children, <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/1129793">unfamiliarity</a> and unpredictability can feed into feelings of fear and anxiety. The potential for new teachers and peers in a new environment may contribute to shy children’s fear. </p>
<p>For example, a shy child may wonder if their new teacher will be nice, if they will know the other children in their class, if they will know how to find their classroom and where their desk will be. </p>
<p>In the face of uncertainty about an impending event such as starting a new school year, the shy child may be prone to make <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2019.05.003">negative predictions</a>. </p>
<p>For example, they may predict that their new teacher will not be nice; they will not know anyone else in their class; and they will not be able to find their classroom and desk. Negative predictions about the future may result in a shy child feeling particularly nervous as a new school year approaches.</p>
<h2>Preparing children</h2>
<p>There are several approaches that might be helpful in preparing shy children as they get ready to head back to a new school year. </p>
<p>Eliminating some of the “unknowns” for shy children may help ease some feelings of <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000951">anticipatory nervousness and anxiety</a>.
This could be supported through light <a href="https://theconversation.com/young-childrens-words-predict-reading-ability-5-ways-parents-and-caregivers-can-help-grow-them-205730">and regular discussions with your child</a> that help them make meaning by anticipating seasonal shifts or imagining or rehearsing known aspects of what entering a new school year will look like.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-help-your-child-cope-with-the-transition-back-to-school-during-covid-19-144530">How to help your child cope with the transition back to school during COVID-19</a>
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<p>For many children, meeting a new teacher once would be sufficient to ease into the transition. Shy children may be slow <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2011.11.002">to warm up</a> in new social situations compared to their more outgoing peers. </p>
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<img alt="Little boy seen on a parent's lap" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540830/original/file-20230802-29-z4906v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540830/original/file-20230802-29-z4906v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540830/original/file-20230802-29-z4906v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540830/original/file-20230802-29-z4906v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540830/original/file-20230802-29-z4906v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540830/original/file-20230802-29-z4906v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540830/original/file-20230802-29-z4906v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Shy children may be slower to warm up to new social situations.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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<p>If your child is in the same school as the year before, they may be wondering if there will be familiar faces <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00876.x">or friends</a> in class. Parents might consider strategies for helping children think about being open to new friendships, or exploring what it would mean to sustain relationships with close peers who aren’t in the same class (for example, by playing at recess or outside of school).</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/kids-will-need-recess-more-than-ever-when-returning-to-school-post-coronavirus-139165">Kids will need recess more than ever when returning to school post-coronavirus</a>
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<p>If the shy child is attending a new school, for example when <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/02568540809594634">beginning kindergarten</a>, transitioning to a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-019-00523-8">middle school</a> or moving to a new school district, it would also be helpful to show the child their school (or if possible, classroom) and practise how to get there, or if possible, meet school staff or teachers in advance. </p>
<p>By exposing the shy child to their new environment, it is likely they will feel more at ease with the approach of the new school year.</p>
<p>Overall, increasing familiarity for the shy child may reduce <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431615593175">negative predictions</a> about the start of the new school year. This may allow the child to view their teacher as a source of comfort, allow them to connect with peers more easily, and make them feel more at ease in their new classroom or school. </p>
<h2>When should I be worried about my shy child?</h2>
<p>Shyness is a common, normative experience for many children (and adults!). In many cases, shyness and its associated quietness are not a cause for concern and may have associated benefits — <a href="https://psyche.co/ideas/childhood-shyness-can-be-advantageous-dont-pathologise-it">such as carefully listening or observing, which could contribute to better understandings of social situations and skills to maintain friendships</a>. </p>
<p>However, researchers have shown that shyness may interfere with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/tps0000024">school participation</a> and can sometimes increase the risk for developing an <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-019-00588-5">anxiety disorder</a>. </p>
<p>If a child’s shyness begins to interfere significantly with their ability to interact with other children, complete school work or participate in other aspects of daily life, it is possible that the child’s shyness may be indicative of a clinical concern that may require professional attention.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/206544/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Kristie Poole does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>In many cases, shyness is not a cause for concern and may have associated benefits. Parents and caregivers can learn strategies to support shy children in making transitions.Kristie Poole, Postdoctoral fellow, Department of Psychology, Brock UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/902282018-01-25T19:11:51Z2018-01-25T19:11:51ZBack to school blues: how to help your child with shyness<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202532/original/file-20180119-80211-1amrvwk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Excessively protecting your child and taking over, doesn’t allow them to learn through experience. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><hr>
<p><em>This <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/back-to-school-2018-48951">series</a> draws on the latest research on back to school transitions. In it, the experts explain how best to prepare children for school, and counter difficulties such as stress or bad behaviour.</em></p>
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<p>Around the end of January, <a href="http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/MediaReleasesByCatalogue/F2DC948819BBD3E4CA2582170018B83A">more than 3.5 million young people</a> will start or return to schools across Australia.</p>
<p>For most young people this is a time of high excitement and energy. The long holidays are coming to an end and they are looking forward to seeing old friends, making new ones, and being a grade higher. But the excitement is often tinged with a hint of trepidation – “who will be in my class”, “will they still like me”, “what teachers will I get”? For some young people, these worries can dominate their life. </p>
<p>The good news is parents can help their kids through it.</p>
<h2>What is shyness and social anxiety?</h2>
<p>Shyness is a <a href="https://doi-org.simsrad.net.ocs.mq.edu.au/10.1007/s11199-013-0317-9">personality characteristic</a> that exists on a continuum across the community from very low to the highest levels. When we use the term shyness, we are usually referring to the upper levels – up to 40% of people describe themselves as shy. When shyness becomes very severe and starts to affect a person’s life, it can be diagnosed using the clinical term, “social anxiety disorder”. When diagnosed correctly, <a href="http://www.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/Content/9DA8CA21306FE6EDCA257E2700016945/$File/child2.pdf">around 2.5% of young people in Australia meet criteria for social anxiety disorder in a given 12-month period</a>.</p>
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<p><strong><em>Read more: <a href="https://theconversation.com/childhood-shyness-when-is-it-normal-and-when-is-it-cause-for-concern-60364">Childhood shyness: when is it normal and when is it cause for concern?</a></em></strong></p>
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<p>So, around one child in every typical Australian classroom will have this clinical disorder, and up to a dozen will be shy. </p>
<p>Socially anxious young people worry excessively about what others think of them and how they come across. They are very self-conscious and often freeze or become confused when they are the focus of attention. </p>
<p>Going back to school is the stuff of nightmares for these children. Some of the hardest experiences for a socially anxious young person will be found at school: meeting new kids, talking to authority figures, standing in front of a group, getting into trouble, and negotiating the hierarchies of the playground. </p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202534/original/file-20180119-80168-z8vorx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202534/original/file-20180119-80168-z8vorx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202534/original/file-20180119-80168-z8vorx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202534/original/file-20180119-80168-z8vorx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202534/original/file-20180119-80168-z8vorx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202534/original/file-20180119-80168-z8vorx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202534/original/file-20180119-80168-z8vorx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Going back to school can be a difficult time for shy kids.</span>
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<p>Shy youth <a href="https://doi-org.simsrad.net.ocs.mq.edu.au/10.1007/s10802-005-9017-4">can make good friendships</a>, but usually have fewer friends than other kids. They are also more likely to be the targets of bullying. Many of these young people will be terrified at the prospect of going to school and the first few weeks will be especially hard. </p>
<p>Social anxiety can occur at any age – from kindergarten to the end of high school (and into adulthood). But it generally increases in the early <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2004.00239.x/abstract;jsessionid=AC83D11D2B07810317C2734DEBE97851.f03t03">teenage years</a>, which is when most young people start to become more self-conscious. </p>
<p>Social anxiety is slightly more common in girls than boys. There is clearly a genetic aspect and parents of shy young people are often themselves slightly more shy than average. Aside from that, social anxiety cuts across society: it makes no difference whether families are rich or poor, from any particular cultural group, or married or divorced. </p>
<h2>How parents can affect social anxiety</h2>
<p>In our work at the Centre for Emotional Health at Sydney’s Macquarie University, we have found that parents can make a difference to their child’s social anxiety. This does not mean parents cause the problem, but they can help change it. </p>
<p>When their child is scared, a loving parent can think of nothing more important than protecting them. But excessively protecting your child and taking over, doesn’t allow them to learn through experience. </p>
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<p><strong><em>Read more: <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-facing-challenging-situations-can-prepare-your-child-for-school-89298">How facing challenging situations can prepare your child for school</a></em></strong></p>
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<p>In one <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbtep.2007.10.011">study</a> we asked children aged seven to 13 to prepare a two minute speech. For half of these children, we asked their mothers to help them extensively with speech preparation and more or less take over the task. The other half were told to only gently guide their child. We then asked the children to prepare a second speech by themselves and then deliver it to a small audience. Children whose mothers had taken over the speech-writing the first time showed more anxiety and tension when they delivered their second speech. </p>
<p>On the other hand, parents can help their child overcome social anxiety. We recently finished a large treatment <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2017.08.001">study</a>. The overall study was about treating all forms of anxiety (including social anxiety) and it looked at how we can step up the intensity of treatment when needed. </p>
<p>In the first step, parents of anxious children received a book explaining how to help their child and also spoke with a therapist on four brief occasions. After three months, 40% of these children were completely free from their presenting anxiety. </p>
<h2>How can you help your child?</h2>
<p>A lot of it is common-sense and practical skills. Shy young people can be taught to think more realistically about the things that worry them. “They will think I’m an idiot if I wear that” can be challenged by asking “what would you think of someone wearing it?”. “Everyone is staring at me” can be challenged by getting the child to look around and count how many people are actually looking. </p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202540/original/file-20180119-80197-1xiit60.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/202540/original/file-20180119-80197-1xiit60.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202540/original/file-20180119-80197-1xiit60.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202540/original/file-20180119-80197-1xiit60.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202540/original/file-20180119-80197-1xiit60.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202540/original/file-20180119-80197-1xiit60.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/202540/original/file-20180119-80197-1xiit60.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Shy children should be challenged and gently encouraged to face their fears.</span>
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<p>Shy young people should also be challenged to gently and gradually face their fears. For example, for a young person who is scared to speak to others, they could be challenged to speak to one or two “safer” kids every day for the next week. Then they could be asked to speak to a couple of slightly “harder” kids every day the following week, and so on. </p>
<p>Finally, if you find that you, as a parent, have a tendency to jump in and regularly help your child, try to get into the habit of asking yourself, “what would happen if I held back for a few minutes?”. </p>
<p>Extreme shyness and social anxiety can severely impact a young person’s life and can set them up for a future of missed opportunities. But we now have some good treatments and <a href="https://www.mq.edu.au/about/campus-services-and-facilities/hospital-and-clinics/centre-for-emotional-health-clinic/programs-for-children-and-teenagers">we are continuing to research</a> new ways of helping these young people. </p>
<p>If you have any concerns about your child, seek the opinion of a qualified mental health practitioner.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/90228/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ron Rapee works for the Centre for Emotional Health at Macquarie University. He receives funding from the Australian Research Council and the National Health and Medical Research Council. He is an author of Helping Your Anxious Child: A step-by-step guide for parents, from which he receives royalties and is an author of the Cool Kids program from which he receives no royalties. </span></em></p>Loving parent can think of nothing more important than protecting their shy children, but excessively protecting your child and taking over doesn’t allow them to learn through experience.Ron Rapee, Director of the Centre for Emotional Health and Distinguished Professor in the Department of Psychology, Macquarie UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/716052017-02-21T01:19:44Z2017-02-21T01:19:44ZIs your smartphone making you shy?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/157194/original/image-20170216-32722-10p77ot.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C654%2C3703%2C2633&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Does technology shackle us, preventing us from interacting with real people?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/confirm/370077887?src=VIerSUev_WINo-muNwsuOA-3-48&size=huge_jpg">'Chain' via www.shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>During the three years I’ve spent researching and writing about shyness, one of the most common questions people ask is about the relationship between shyness and technology. </p>
<p>Are the internet and the cellphone causing our social skills to atrophy? I often hear this from parents of shy teenagers, who are worried that their children are spending more time with their devices than with their peers.</p>
<p>This anxiety isn’t new. At the first international conference on shyness, organized in Wales in 1997 by the British Psychological Society, Stanford psychology professor Philip Zimbardo was the keynote speaker. He noted that since he began the Stanford Shyness Survey in the 1970s, the number of people who said they were shy <a href="http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/guardian/doc/187962581.html?FMT=CITE&FMTS=CITE:AI&type=historic&date=Jul+22%2C+1997&author=&pub=The+Guardian+%281959-2003%29&edition=&startpage=A8&desc=Silence+of+the+sheepish">had risen from 40 percent to 60 percent</a>. He blamed this on new technology like email, cellphones and even ATMs, which had loosened the “social glue” of casual contact. He feared the arrival of “a new ice age” of noncommunication, when we would easily be able to go an entire day without talking to someone. </p>
<p>Some of Zimbardo’s fears have been realized. Look at any public space today and you’ll see faces buried in tablets and phones. The rise of loneliness and social anxiety is now a familiar refrain in the work of sociologists such as <a href="http://bowlingalone.com">Robert Putnam</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0qE90GDOhw">John Cacioppo</a> and <a href="http://alonetogetherbook.com">Sherry Turkle</a>. </p>
<p>They argue that individualized consumerism is isolating us from each other and selling us cheap techno-fixes to ease the pain. We rely increasingly on what Turkle calls “sociable robots,” like Siri, the iPhone digital assistant, as a stand-in for flesh-and-blood intimates. Even when spending time with others we are half-elsewhere, distracted by technology – “alone together,” as Turkle puts it. </p>
<p>And yet this sense of being “alone together” can actually be useful for shy people, who can turn to technology to express themselves in new ways.</p>
<h2>A different kind of social</h2>
<p>The shy aren’t necessarily antisocial; they are just differently social. They learn to regulate their sociability and communicate in indirect or tangential ways. Cellphones allow them to make connections without some of the awkwardness of face-to-face interactions.</p>
<p>When the Finnish company Nokia introduced texting to its phones in the mid-1990s, it seemed to be a primitive technology – a time-consuming, energy-inefficient substitute for talking. But texting <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Perpetual_Contact.html?id=Wt5AsHEgUh0C">took off among Finnish boys</a> because it was a way to talk to girls without the signals being scrambled by blushing faces or tied tongues. </p>
<p>Two sociologists, Eija-Liisa Kasesniemi and Pirjo Rautiainen, <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Perpetual_Contact.html?id=Wt5AsHEgUh0C">found</a> that while Finnish boys would rarely tell girls they loved them, they might spend half an hour drafting a loving text message. They also discovered that boys were more likely to text the words “I love you” in English rather than Finnish, because they found it easier to express strong feelings in a different language. </p>
<p>Another scholar of cellphone culture, Bella Ellwood-Clayton, <a href="http://www.mta.t-mobile.mpt.bme.hu/dok/7_Ellwood.pdf">showed</a> how text messages served a similar purpose in the Philippines. Filipino courtship rituals are traditionally coy and convoluted, with elaborate customs such as “teasing” (tuksuhan) among mutual friends or using an intermediary (tulay, which literally translates to “human bridge”) between potential partners. The cellphone allowed young Filipinos to circumvent these elaborate, risk-averse routines and test the waters themselves by text. </p>
<p>Such is the case wherever cellphones are used: Texting emboldens those who are more dexterous with their thumbs than with their tongues. The ping announcing a text’s arrival is less insistent than a phone ring. It does not catch us by surprise or demand we answer it instantly. It lends us space to digest and ponder a response. </p>
<h2>The shyness paradox</h2>
<p>As for the looming “social ice age” created by technology, Zimbardo made that claim before the rise of social networks and the smartphone. These have made it easy for people to lay bare intimate details of their private lives online, in ways that seem the very opposite of shyness. Advocates of this kind of online self-disclosure <a href="https://hbr.org/2012/10/why-radical-transparency-is-good-business">call it</a> “radical transparency.”</p>
<p>Not everyone using social networks is amenable to radical transparency, of course. Some prefer to hide behind online personas, pseudonyms and avatars. And this anonymity can also inspire the opposite of shyness – <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-news-sites-online-comments-helped-build-our-hateful-electorate-70170">a boldness that turns into hostility and abuse</a>. </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/157195/original/image-20170216-32685-xh20p0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/157195/original/image-20170216-32685-xh20p0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=772&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157195/original/image-20170216-32685-xh20p0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=772&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157195/original/image-20170216-32685-xh20p0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=772&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157195/original/image-20170216-32685-xh20p0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=970&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157195/original/image-20170216-32685-xh20p0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=970&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/157195/original/image-20170216-32685-xh20p0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=970&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">In many ways, technology adapts to our existing habits.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/confirm/459282133?size=huge_jpg">'Smartphone' via www.shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>So these new mobile and online technologies have complex effects. They aggravate our shyness at the same time as they help us to overcome it. Perhaps this paradox tells us something paradoxical about shyness. In his book “<a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Shock_Of_The_Old.html?id=IdVGikvzIHoC">The Shock of the Old</a>,” historian David Edgerton argues that our understanding of historical progress is “innovation-centric.” We think that new technologies change everything for good. However, according to Edgerton, we underestimate how much these innovations have to struggle against the forces of habit and inertia. In other words, new technologies don’t change our basic natures; they mold themselves around them.</p>
<p>So it is with shyness. After about 150,000 years of human evolution, shyness must surely be a resilient quality – an “odd state of mind,” as Charles Darwin <a href="http://darwin-online.org.uk/content/frameset?itemID=F1142&viewtype=text&pageseq=1">called it</a>, caused by our strange capacity for “self-attention.” And yet we are also social animals that crave the support and approval of the tribe. </p>
<p>Our need for others is so strong that shyness simply makes us sublimate our social instincts into other areas: art, writing, email, texting. </p>
<p>This, in the end, is my answer to the worried parents of shy teenagers. Is their cellphone making them shyer? No: They are both shy and sociable, and their phone is helping them find new ways to express that contradiction.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/71605/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Joe Moran does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Some have said that technology could lead to ‘a new ice age’ of social isolation. Not so fast, says the author of a new book about shyness.Joe Moran, Professor of English and Cultural History, Liverpool John Moores UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/603642016-07-27T18:10:33Z2016-07-27T18:10:33ZChildhood shyness: when is it normal and when is it cause for concern?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/131868/original/image-20160726-26512-1qp0too.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">If the child is shy with other kids their age, or doesn't warm up to strangers after a time, this may be a concern.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/brontelockwood/4182757885/">Bronte Lockwood/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>This is part of our series on kids’ health. Read the other articles in our series <a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/kids-health">here</a>.</em></p>
<hr>
<p>When parents observe shyness in their child, they may wonder if it is normal or cause for concern. For instance, in social situations, the child may cling to their parent, be hesitant to speak, reluctant to interact with others, and play alone when in groups more often than other children their age.</p>
<p>Shyness is of more concern if it is <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9249961">persistent rather than temporary</a>. Some children are “slow to warm up” or engage with others, but do engage well after initial hesitancy. Also, some children grow out of shyness during primary school. However, other children demonstrate persistent shyness over time.</p>
<p>Shyness <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20205182">with other children</a> is of more concern than shyness with adults. It is common for children to be wary of adults, particularly men, but less common for children to be wary of children around their own age.</p>
<p>Shyness is of concern if it results in playing alone when in groups of children. When children engage in interaction with peers they learn skills that serve as a foundation for normal development, such as how to understand other people’s feelings and perspectives, take turns in play and conversation, negotiate a mutually enjoyable joint activity, reciprocate friendly overtures and express their point of view in a way that is acceptable to others. </p>
<p>Children who engage in very little social interaction in comparison to children their age are <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18851686">missing out on these</a> important, cumulative learning experiences. As a result, their social cognition, social skills and sense of self may be less mature than those of other children their age.</p>
<h2>Shyness and making friends</h2>
<p>Shyness with familiar social partners <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/icd.1853/abstract">is of more concern</a> than shyness with strangers. It is of particular concern if children are shy with other children their own age they see regularly, such as childcare or school classmates. Shyness with familiar classmates suggests children may be worried about how other kids treat them, or whether they will be liked and accepted.</p>
<p>Shyness is of more concern if a child is poorly treated by other children than if a shy child is well treated by other children. Shy children are <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18999325">more likely than other children</a> to be excluded and victimised by kids their own age and to have <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12625449">trouble making friends</a>. Being excluded and victimised are damaging to children’s emotional health and sense of self, especially when these conditions persist over time. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/132092/original/image-20160727-7041-ub58nf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Hiding behind a parent is pretty normal, but usually kids warm up to strangers fairly quickly.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Although shyness tends to be equally prevalent in boys and girls, <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/icd.1853/abstract">shy boys sometimes encounter more</a> difficulties with friends <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12625449">than shy girls</a>. This is probably because shyness is a violation of norms for males to be bold and self-assertive. However, it is important to keep in mind <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-014-0361-0#page-1">both shy boys and girls</a> can encounter peer exclusion and victimisation.</p>
<h2>What you can do</h2>
<p>Children need help from adults to stop exclusion and victimisation by other children. When parents become aware their child is being excluded or victimised by other children at childcare or school, they should contact the childcare centre or school to advocate on their child’s behalf.</p>
<p>Shyness is of concern if it interferes with your child’s or family’s routines or activities, or if your child often appears miserable or complains of being lonely. For instance, if shyness prevents your child from attending other children’s birthday parties or school, or prevents your family from visiting friends, then you <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19707867">should consider seeking help</a> from a child psychologist.</p>
<p>Online programs to help children and parents cope with child shyness and anxiety are starting to become available and provide convenient help for a lower cost (<a href="http://www.brave-online.com/">Brave Online</a>, <a href="http://www.centreforemotionalhealth.com.au/pages/coolkidsonline.aspx">Cool Kids Online</a>). </p>
<p>Parents can also do many things themselves to help their shy child. They can arrange play dates and help the child join a group extracurricular activity. Parents can also talk to children about their friendships and act as a sympathetic source of encouragement and constructive ideas. </p>
<p>If a child is upset about a problem with a friend, parents can encourage the child to try to resolve the problem in a way that preserves the friendship, instead of ending the friendship, as well as encourage the child to develop other friendships.</p>
<hr>
<p><em>Further reading:</em></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/do-kids-grow-out-of-childhood-asthma-61277"><em>Do kids grow out of childhood asthma?</em></a></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/a-snapshot-of-childrens-health-in-australia-62500"><em>A snapshot of children’s health in Australia</em></a></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/nightmares-and-night-terrors-in-kids-when-do-they-stop-being-normal-60257">Nightmares and night terrors in kids: when do they stop being normal?</a></em></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/bed-wetting-in-older-children-and-young-adults-is-common-and-treatable-60248"><em>Bed-wetting in older children and young adults is common and treatable</em></a></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/migraines-in-childhood-and-adolescence-more-than-just-a-headache-60712"><em>Migraines in childhood and adolescence: more than just a headache</em></a></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/drafts/61902/edit"><em>‘Slapped cheek’ syndrome: a common rash in kids, more sinister in pregnant women</em></a></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/teenage-pain-often-dismissed-as-growing-pains-but-it-can-impact-their-lives-62827"><em>Teenage pain often dismissed as ‘growing pains’, but it can impact their lives</em></a></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/is-hip-dysplasia-in-my-newborn-something-to-worry-about-61901"><em>Is hip dysplasia in my newborn something to worry about?</em></a></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/what-it-means-when-kids-walk-on-their-toes-59081"><em>What it means when kids walk on their toes</em></a></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/60364/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Heidi Gazelle has received funding from the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development . </span></em></p>If a child is shy and poorly treated by other children their age, this may be cause for concern.Heidi Gazelle, Senior Lecturer in Developmental Psychology, The University of MelbourneLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/528982016-02-02T19:04:11Z2016-02-02T19:04:11ZShy teenagers find it easier to be included by classmates when starting secondary school<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/109754/original/image-20160201-3883-1asetv1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Shy teens are more likely to be included in group activities.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>As the new school year gets underway, you may have thought that shy teens would struggle when making the transition to secondary school, but <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24491212">research shows</a> the opposite is in fact true. </p>
<h2>Opportunity for a fresh start</h2>
<p>When starting secondary school shy teens are more likely to be included in group activities and conversations with their peers than they were at the end of primary school. They are also less likely to be pushed around by new classmates.</p>
<p>This is because shy teens are more likely to be open to receiving social invitations from new schoolmates. They also have <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15693769">less reputational baggage</a> when they start secondary school. This may be particularly beneficial for shy teens if they were were disliked or excluded by peers in primary school, because they can be judged on their current behaviour and freed from potentially negative expectations based on their past behaviour.</p>
<p>The start of a new school year is the time when shy teenagers are least likely to be excluded from new peer groups. But this can change over the course of the school year as peer groups become <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21688897">better established</a>.</p>
<p>Individual group members gradually become more likely to exclude others across the school year as their own status in the peer group becomes better established.</p>
<p>As shy teens are often quieter and less engaging in social situations, they are <a href="http://www.psy.miami.edu/faculty/dmessinger/c_c/rsrcs/rdgs/peers_social_general/gazelle2008.pdf">often vulnerable</a> to being excluded later on in the school year as they struggle to defend themselves around other teens. </p>
<p>Although shy teens may find it easier to be included in new peer groups at the start of a school year, they may develop close friendships more slowly than others throughout the school year.</p>
<h2>Tips for parents on helping their shy teen adapt to the new school year</h2>
<ul>
<li>Talk with your teenager about how they are feeling, who their friends are, and what their friends are like. This type of support helps teenagers cope with stressors and think about constructive ways to approach challenges in their lives.</li>
<li>Encourage them to get involved in extra-curricular activities, such as team sports or clubs, that will help them become a part of a peer group.</li>
<li>If they are having difficulties making friends, and this has led to them to not want to go to school or to be upset for many days at a time, consider seeking professional help from a <a href="http://www.acpa.org.au/find-a-clinical-psychologist/">clinical psychologist</a> with experience with teenagers.</li>
</ul><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/52898/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>This research was funded by a grant 1K01MH076237 from the National Institute for Mental Health in the United States to Heidi Gazelle.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Madelynn D. Shell does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The start of a new school year is the time when shy teenagers are least likely to be excluded from new friendship groups.Heidi Gazelle, Senior Lecturer in Developmental Psychology, The University of MelbourneMadelynn D. Shell, Assistant Professor of Psychology, The University of Virginia's College at WiseLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/366012015-01-27T08:37:03Z2015-01-27T08:37:03ZExplainer: what is social anxiety disorder?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/70075/original/image-20150127-24549-z6qqx0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">People with social anxiety disorder believe they will be rejected when others see how anxious and awkward they are.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/rashmiravinray/3647045776">rashmi ravindran/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Most of us would admit to feeling shy from time to time, or anxious about public speaking: the larger the crowd the greater the terror. It’s also not unusual to feel awkward while making small talk with unfamiliar (or uninteresting) people. But a significant number of people find these situations utterly mortifying. </p>
<p><a href="http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Social%20Anxiety%20Disorder%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf">Social anxiety disorder</a> (or SAD) is diagnosed when the fear of criticism or rejection by others becomes chronic and debilitating. People with SAD see themselves as incompetent and inferior, and others as judgemental and hostile. They believe they will be rejected when others see how anxious and awkward they are, or hear the stupid or boring things they say.</p>
<p>While criticism is an occasional and unpleasant part of life for most of us, people with SAD believe they will be criticised and rejected virtually every time they are around other people. They also believe that there is a high personal cost to being criticised – if others criticise me then I <em>am</em> a failure.</p>
<p>SAD dictates what courses can be studied (those that don’t require speaking in front of the class), what jobs can be applied for (able to be done alone and preferably from home), what hobbies can be engaged in (solitary ones), and who fits the bill as a potential life partner (those not requiring a chaperone to parties and work functions). </p>
<p>Without a strong sense of self (who I am) and self-acceptance (I am worthwhile, even with all my foibles) it is exceedingly difficult to express our preferences and get our needs met by others. Unsatisfying relationships with domineering friends and partners are therefore common for people with SAD. Low self-esteem, social isolation and depression can follow.</p>
<p>In some ways, the digital age makes life easier for people with SAD. A full day’s work can be done online without seeing another person. Social media create the illusion of friendship with just a few simple clicks. But the very human need for genuine connection remains unmet.</p>
<h2>What are the symptoms?</h2>
<p>Sweating, blushing, heart palpitations, trembling and an urge to escape are common physical symptoms of social anxiety. People with SAD become highly self-conscious and imagine that others can clearly see these signs of anxiety. They expect to be judged as weak and incompetent as a consequence.</p>
<p>Avoidance is the most popular strategy for managing social anxiety. That prevents any possibility of being criticised but also robs sufferers from discovering that criticism is far less likely (and less traumatic) than expected.</p>
<p>When social situations can’t be avoided more subtle ways of trying to prevent criticism are relied upon, such as using alcohol as a social lubricant, mentally rehearsing conversations, or staying quiet. But these strategies can backfire and actually <em>cause</em> the criticism they were trying to prevent.</p>
<h2>How common is SAD?</h2>
<p>The most recent Australian <a href="http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.3109/00048674.2011.624083">National Survey of Mental Health and Wellbeing</a> found that 8.4% of adults will meet criteria for SAD in their lifetime. That’s one in 12, or around 1.3 million Australians. </p>
<p>Yet suffers believe they are alone. Shame prevents people from discussing their fears, which reinforces the sense of isolation.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/70110/original/image-20150127-19287-2dysyq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/70110/original/image-20150127-19287-2dysyq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/70110/original/image-20150127-19287-2dysyq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/70110/original/image-20150127-19287-2dysyq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/70110/original/image-20150127-19287-2dysyq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/70110/original/image-20150127-19287-2dysyq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/70110/original/image-20150127-19287-2dysyq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Many people with SAD describe feeling humiliated while giving presentations at school.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/s/school+presentation/search.html?page=1&thumb_size=mosaic&inline=63920527">Simone van den Berg/Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>SAD usually develops during adolescence and early adulthood, with many sufferers reporting lifelong shyness. Half report significant and debilitating social anxiety before the age of 13. </p>
<p>More women experience SAD than men, but interestingly, a relatively equal proportion of men and women seek treatment for the problem. Cultural expectations that men be dominant and assertive might drive a greater proportion of male sufferers to treatment.</p>
<h2>What causes SAD?</h2>
<p>SAD is most likely to be <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15501555">caused</a> by a combination of nature and nurture. Studies have shown that two identical twins are more likely to have anxiety problems than two non-identical twins, which tells us that our genes probably play a role.</p>
<p>Our individual temperaments also seem to be important. Children who are extremely shy are more likely to develop SAD later in life, although most children will grow out of their shyness.</p>
<p>Many people with SAD describe experiencing “social traumas” early in life, including bullying, abuse, or feeling humiliated while giving presentations at school. </p>
<p>Overly critical or perfectionist parents may also set unrelenting social standards that their child feels unable to meet. Social anxiety ensues as the child assumes they will therefore fail to meet <em>everyone’s</em> expectations.</p>
<h2>What can you do about SAD?</h2>
<p>SAD can be persistent without effective treatment, so it’s important to seek help early. </p>
<p>Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) is the psychological treatment with the most evidence to support its effectiveness. CBT involves identifying and <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0005796714002046">challenging negative thoughts and self-images</a> by gradually confronting the feared social situations. As the perceived social threat starts to diminish during treatment, so too do the distressing physical symptoms of anxiety. </p>
<p>CBT has been effectively delivered individually and within groups. <a href="http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0013196#s1">Internet-based therapy</a> is also proving to be effective for some people, suggesting that the internet can be therapeutic and not just a form of avoidance. Medication can also be helpful.</p>
<p>A fortune cookie I once received proffered the following advice: “<em>You would care far less about what others thought of you, if you knew how seldom they did</em>.” This is the essence of what people with SAD need to discover. Others are often far too preoccupied with themselves to spend much time judging others.</p>
<p>Managing social anxiety opens up a world of choices to engage with life and pursue what is truly important and valuable without an excessive fear of rejection. The goal isn’t to become the most outgoing, gregarious or confident person at the party. The goal is to attend the party if you choose, without having to hide in the corner.</p>
<hr>
<h2>For online treatment materials, visit:</h2>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=40">Shy No Longer</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/social-phobia">beyondBlue</a></li>
<li><a href="http://mindspot.org.au/about-anxiety">Mindspot Clinic</a></li>
</ul>
<p>To take part in an intervention study for social anxiety at the <a href="http://healthsciences.curtin.edu.au/teaching/psych_adult_clinic.cfm">Curtin Psychology Clinic</a> in Perth Western, Australia, phone 08 9266 3436.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/36601/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Peter McEvoy receives funding from a Department of Health, Western Australia, Merit Award.</span></em></p>Most of us would admit to feeling shy from time to time, or anxious about public speaking: the larger the crowd the greater the terror. It’s also not unusual to feel awkward while making small talk with…Peter McEvoy, Professor of Clinical Psychology, Curtin UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/280102014-06-17T20:44:38Z2014-06-17T20:44:38ZShyness isn’t nice, but shyness shouldn’t stop you<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51246/original/pp8k8p63-1402965760.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Shy people long for social connections but have to fight through a thicket of fears.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Lili Vieira de Carvalho</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Shy people have quite a bit to contend with – not least the word itself. </p>
<p>It has a number of different meanings, none of which are flattering. To “shy away” from something implies avoidance; to “shy” can also mean to move suddenly in fright; to “be shy of” something can mean to come up short, or be insufficient.</p>
<p>And to be a shy person in our extrovert-worshipping age can be seen as being inadequate for the task of relentlessly positive self-presentation. </p>
<p>I recently wrote <a href="http://textpublishing.com.au/books-and-authors/book/shy/">a memoir called Shy</a> as part of a PhD in Creative Writing at RMIT University and have been exploring the different definitions of the word “shy” as part of a quest to understand the impact of shyness on my own life story. As at least 40% of us would self-identify as shy, I suspect my deep interest in this subject will be shared by many fellow-sufferers. </p>
<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51309/original/t9s9y3sf-1402982389.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Sleepyzee</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>Psychologists would say it is a temperament trait, one that can induce feelings of social anxiety ranging from mildly distressing to severely debilitating. I have been relieved to discover, though, that shyness is also accompanied by a range of socially useful and positive character attributes.</p>
<p>Part of my research involved interviewing my mother, Melbourne University psychologist Professor Margot Prior, who <a href="http://old.psych.unimelb.edu.au/people/staff/allpubs/PriorM_Allpubs.pdf">has been studying</a> temperament for more than three decades. In her view, all children fit somewhere on a spectrum called “approach-withdrawal”, ranging from the most engaged and extroverted kids to the most withdrawn, fearful and anxious kids. </p>
<p>For the shy ones among us, this fear comes from our biology, specifically from the reactivity of our nervous systems. American psychologist <a href="http://wps.prenhall.com/wps/media/objects/1931/1977702/html/theo8.html">Jerome Kagan</a> has studied the physical symptoms of so-called “timid” and “bold” children and found in the timid ones a neural circuitry that is highly reactive to even mild stress. </p>
<p>In short, those children were shown to sweat more and their hearts beat faster in response to new situations. Some kids grow out of shyness but many of us carry this anxiety into adulthood, when this reactivity commonly manifests as blushing, trembling and hyper-ventilating.</p>
<p>I had two shy parents so it is hardly surprising that I inherited a large dose of shyness. As a child and teenager this shyness often got in the way of me initiating social contact for fear of rejection. As an adult I have grappled with social anxiety and been forced to find strategies to overcome my irrational fears. </p>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=842&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=842&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=842&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1058&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1058&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51316/original/k7b468dr-1402982816.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1058&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Audringje</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>One such strategy has been to create professional personas for myself, enabling me to function as an apparent extrovert in the workplace. In the memoir I label this persona “Professional Sian” and analyse how she has managed to perform the roles of environment campaigner, choral conductor, opera singer, broadcaster, arts critic and university lecturer. </p>
<p>I now call myself a “shy extrovert”. If I was an introvert, I might be quite happy to remain in the background and avoid social situations. Shy people long for social connections but have to fight through a thicket of fears to make those connections. </p>
<p>Managing anxiety often comes at a cost to the shy person’s body. Swinburne University psychologist Dr Simon Knowles <a href="http://www.mindovergut.com">has studied</a> the “brain-gut axis” and its role in the fraught relationship between anxiety and the gastro-intestinal system. </p>
<p>Many of Dr Knowles’ anxious patients present with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), an inflammatory bowel condition caused by the interaction between the gut’s nervous system and the brain. My own digestive system has reacted to decades of nervous stress by developing a broad range of food intolerances. </p>
<p>While the symptoms of shyness can be difficult to control, the distress of social anxiety can be compounded by feelings of shame and embarrassment. We shy people often feel like incompetent idiots in social situations. </p>
<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51314/original/5hx5s37k-1402982728.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">E B</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>English sociologist Dr Susie Scott believes this feeling of relative incompetence is central to the experience of shyness. But she blames these feelings on what she calls “the illusion of competence”: the mistaken belief that we all have to present ourselves as socially competent all the time. </p>
<p>In <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1583238.Shyness_and_Society">her 2007 book</a> Shyness and Society: The Illusion of Competence, Dr Scott argues that shy people are perceived as failing to pull their weight in social situations and that, while non-shyness is seen as normal and acceptable, shyness is seen as deviant and undesirable. </p>
<p>The misperception of shyness as rudeness or aloofness plagues shy people, but in fact we long for social inclusion and connection. </p>
<p>But the news is not all bad. According to Macquarie University psychologist <a href="http://www.centreforemotionalhealth.com.au/pages/aboutus-team.aspx">Professor Ron Rapee</a>, shyness usually comes with a range of positive attributes, including greater sensitivity and greater levels of honesty. </p>
<p>When I interviewed Rapee, he told me shy people were often reliable, conscientious, and good listeners who demonstrated high levels of empathy. Many shy people can be found in the caring professions, working in roles that are generally non-self-aggrandising and non-domineering. </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51247/original/n5tw62v5-1402966023.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/51247/original/n5tw62v5-1402966023.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51247/original/n5tw62v5-1402966023.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51247/original/n5tw62v5-1402966023.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51247/original/n5tw62v5-1402966023.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51247/original/n5tw62v5-1402966023.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/51247/original/n5tw62v5-1402966023.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Sean Savage</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>The social acceptability of shyness is also somewhat dependent on the culture in which you’re living. According to <a href="https://scholar.gse.upenn.edu/chen">Canadian psychologist Xinyin Chen</a>, while North American parents typically react to their children’s shy-inhibited behaviour with disappointment, in group-oriented societies such as China, shy-inhibited behaviour may be encouraged because it is conducive to group organisation. </p>
<p>Back in the 1980s the lead singer of British band The Smiths offered a succinct summary of the situation for shy people. In the song Ask, Morrisey sang: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Shyness is nice, and <br>
Shyness can stop you <br>
From doing all the things in life <br>
You’d like to</p>
</blockquote>
<p>My autobiographical quest to understand shyness has not “cured” me of this temperament trait, as I had hoped. But it has erased my shame and embarrassment about my social anxiety and reassured me that without shy people the world would be a far less compassionate place.</p>
<p><br>
<em>Sian Prior will be speaking about her book Shy: A Memoir <a href="http://avidreader.com.au/index.php?option=com_registrationpro&view=event&Itemid=136&did=335">at Brisbane’s Avid Reader Bookshop</a> on Thursday June 19.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/28010/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Sian Prior is the author of Shy: A Memoir.</span></em></p>Shy people have quite a bit to contend with – not least the word itself. It has a number of different meanings, none of which are flattering. To “shy away” from something implies avoidance; to “shy” can…Sian Prior, Casual Academic in the School of Media and Communication, RMIT UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.