tag:theconversation.com,2011:/us/topics/valentines-day-2302/articlesValentines Day – The Conversation2024-02-12T13:58:38Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2227912024-02-12T13:58:38Z2024-02-12T13:58:38ZFive fun fashion Valentine’s gifts from history – from eye rings to hair jewellery<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573438/original/file-20240205-27-oc7yd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=5%2C4%2C792%2C592&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Woman At Her Toilette by Berthe Morisot (c. 1875–1880).</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.artic.edu/artworks/11723/woman-at-her-toilette">Art Institute of Chicago</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Poets, philosophers and scientists have all struggled to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00926230590478005">define love</a>. But when words fail to express our feelings, lovers throughout history have turned to gifts. Whether given as part of a public romantic gesture, or in the quiet intimacy of a private moment, romantic gifts are a longstanding staple of romantic expression.</p>
<p>In 2024, Valentine’s gift-giving is a commercial goldmine for retailers. Popular choices for a romantic gift might include an evening out, a heart-shaped box of chocolates or a classic bunch of red roses. But <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=gCBtDwAAQBAJ&">research shows</a> that, if you really want to impress your sweetheart, jewellery and fashion accessories are the best options. </p>
<p>It is estimated that USD<a href="https://www.statista.com/statistics/285034/us-valentine-s-day-sales-by-category/">$6.5 billion</a> (£5bn) will be spent on Valentine’s Day bling in the US alone in 2024, while a further $3bn will be splashed out on clothing, such as lingerie.</p>
<p>This commercialisation of love may seem like a very modern phenomenon of our capitalist age, but jewellery and fashion accessories have been popular tokens of love for centuries. </p>
<p>I’m a fashion historian. Here are five historical ways you could show that yours is a love for the ages with a gift of jewellery or fashion this Valentine’s Day. </p>
<h2>1. Sexy underwear, the Georgian way</h2>
<p>Today, corsets are associated with titillating lingerie. The corset’s predecessor, stays (fully boned laces bodices), were just a functional part of everyday dress for the Stuarts and Georgians, but they could still have romantic features.</p>
<p>The <a href="https://fashionhistory.fitnyc.edu/busk/">busk</a> was a long piece of wood, which slipped inside a channel at the front of the stays. It’s practical purpose was the keep the front of the garment straight, but people also found more intimate and romantic uses for them.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="a golden busk" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=72&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=72&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=72&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=91&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=91&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573456/original/file-20240205-17-xearsg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=91&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">A 17th century French busk with the inscription: ‘until I see you again … my love is pure’.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/84187">Met Museum</a></span>
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<p>Engraved with love poems, depictions of hearts, and sometimes even verses euphemistically <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1468-0424.12066">referring to orgasms</a>, these busks were often given as romantic gifts. Positioned between the breasts, the engraved rhymes often expressed jealousy for the busk, which got to intimately rest in the recipient’s cleavage. </p>
<p>One busk from 17th-century France was engraved: “He enjoys sweet sighs, this lover / Who would very much like to take my place.”</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/i-die-where-i-cling-garters-and-busks-inscribed-with-love-notes-were-the-sexy-lingerie-of-the-past-154645">'I die where I cling': garters and 'busks' inscribed with love notes were the sexy lingerie of the past</a>
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<h2>2. Lovers’ eyes</h2>
<p>Georgian lovers did not always conceal their love tokens in their underwear. Eye miniatures, also known as lovers’ eyes, were rings, brooches or pendants decorated with miniature paintings of a romantic partner’s eye. These were <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00043079.2006.10786302">gifted between lovers</a> as a wearable symbol of their love.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="painting of an eye surrounded by pearls" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573435/original/file-20240205-17-pvinwv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573435/original/file-20240205-17-pvinwv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573435/original/file-20240205-17-pvinwv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573435/original/file-20240205-17-pvinwv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573435/original/file-20240205-17-pvinwv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573435/original/file-20240205-17-pvinwv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573435/original/file-20240205-17-pvinwv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">An eye miniature from the early 19th century.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O1067812/eye-miniature-unknown/">Victoria and Albert Museum</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/">CC BY-NC</a></span>
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<p>The <a href="https://www.bible.com/bible/97/MAT.6.22-23.MSG#:%7E:text=22%2D23%20MSG-,%22Your%20eyes%20are%20windows%20into%20your%20body.,body%20is%20a%20musty%20cellar.">Bible says</a> that the eyes are the window to the soul, and the lover’s eye was considered an incredibly intimate form of portrait. Yet it was also very secretive and caused tantalising gossip. Much speculation ensued about who was wearing whose eye.</p>
<h2>3. Lockets</h2>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Ring showing two Tudor portraits." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=965&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=965&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=965&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1212&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1212&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573431/original/file-20240205-21-3o9uke.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1212&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Elizabeth I’s locket ring, known as the Chequers Ring.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/60861613@N00/3370875783/">Ann Longmore-Etheridge/flickr</a></span>
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<p>Another popular way of keeping a secret lover close to the heart was the locket. </p>
<p>Early lockets often expressed religious devotion and familial connection, rather than romantic love. Queen Elizabeth I, for example, wore a locket ring containing portraits of herself and her mother, Ann Boleyn (although <a href="https://open.conted.ox.ac.uk/sites/open.conted.ox.ac.uk/files/resources/Create%20Document/The%20Role%20of%20Emblems%20in%20Elizabethan%20Culture_Mariona%20Ponce%20Bochaca.pdf">some historians argue</a> it could be her stepmother, Catherine Parr).</p>
<p>With the rise of mass manufacture in the 19th century, lockets became a cheaply available and widespread love token for the masses. </p>
<p>The <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=2YAXe5_y3IIC&">new technology</a> of photography also meant that placing a picture of your loved one inside the locket did not require the expensive commissioning of a portrait painter.</p>
<h2>4. Hair jewellery</h2>
<p>The practice of cutting a lock of your lover’s hair and wearing it in a locket close to your heart was historically widespread, but the Victorians took this trend even further.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="hair in a locket" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=822&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=822&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=822&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1033&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1033&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573433/original/file-20240205-17-egj60x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1033&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Hair locket from 1795.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mrs._Gabriel_Manigault_(Margaret_Izard)_MET_DP169297.jpg">Metropolitan Museum of Art</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span>
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<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/17496772.2019.1620429">Hair jewellery</a> – ornaments made from strands of human hair – was incredibly popular in 19th century Britain.</p>
<p>While there were also commercial hair jewellery makers, some women crafted rings, bracelets and watch chains out of their lover’s hair at home. Elegant Arts for Ladies, a book containing instructions for crafts that women might try at home, was published in 1856 and even contains instructions for making earrings out of your lover’s hair.</p>
<p>Professional hair-work services came under increasing suspicion in the 19th century. Customers sent in the hair of their lover or family member expecting it to be crafted into a beautiful keepsake. Yet with increasing commercial demands, some manufacturers turned to mass production, and the item returned was sometimes <a href="https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Relics_of_Death_in_Victorian_Literature/ugJEBgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=0">fraudulently made</a> from a stranger’s hair.</p>
<h2>5. Posey rings</h2>
<p>Perhaps the most timeless of all wearable tokens of love is the posey ring. These simple gold bands, engraved with a romantic inscription, were consistently popular from the Medieval period. Their name comes from the French, <em>poésy</em> (poetry), referring to the words engraved inside.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Gold ring with inscription inside" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573434/original/file-20240205-23-uzx7tb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/573434/original/file-20240205-23-uzx7tb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573434/original/file-20240205-23-uzx7tb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573434/original/file-20240205-23-uzx7tb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573434/original/file-20240205-23-uzx7tb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573434/original/file-20240205-23-uzx7tb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/573434/original/file-20240205-23-uzx7tb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A 16th century gold posy ring found in Yorkshire.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:2006_T101c,_gold_posy_ring_with_double_row_inscription_inside_from_Buttercrambe_with_Bossall,_North_Yorkshire_(FindID_216018).jpg">The Portable Antiquities Scheme</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span>
</figcaption>
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<p>The inscriptions in these rings were often taken from published compendiums of sayings, such as The Mysteries of Love or the Arts of Wooing, published in 1658. Sometimes, these inscriptions were touching and romantic, but often they had <a href="https://collections.vam.ac.uk/item/O118545/ring-unknown/">religious overtones</a>, such as a 17th century example engraved with: “Fear God and love me.”</p>
<p>Romantic bling remains a timeless choice of Valentine’s gift, and the posey ring is still alive and well in the modern wedding band. Although it is doubtful that the wooden busk and hair-work jewellery will come back in fashion any time soon.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Serena Dyer does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Jewellery and fashion accessories have been popular tokens of love for centuries.Serena Dyer, Associate Professor, Fashion History, De Montfort UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2220772024-02-09T16:18:36Z2024-02-09T16:18:36ZHow to write a love song – three tips for beginners from a songwriting expert<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/571633/original/file-20240126-15-os9q9c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=61%2C38%2C5087%2C3365&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/couple-playing-acoustic-guitarsing-folk-song-1418648222">Panitanphoto/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Love and romance are <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.2466/pr0.2003.93.3.653?casa_token=l26dyscghOQAAAAA:SflhsANvZN3lY521_ZB9AtO-4gZFNnwScW7GeGQLDgzzsjbrntaXW0_C_ohEaO0yV6GyUlQqrdQ">unquestionably</a> the dominant lyrical themes of popular music. In fact, <a href="https://cs.brown.edu/courses/cs100/students/project11/">research in 2017</a> found that “love” has been the most common theme for pop song lyrics in every decade since the 1960s. </p>
<p>If you’re trying to write a love song for the first time, you might not know where to begin, or cringe at the thought of being schmaltzy. But love songs don’t necessarily have to be romantic. In the 2011 song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlYJKfunfC0">Suck it And See</a>, Arctic Monkeys frontman Alex Turner proposed that the ultimate compliment to bestow upon a loved one is to say they’re “rarer than a can of dandelion and burdock”. </p>
<p>An even stranger example comes courtesy of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slZARZPI0e0">Underneath This Lamppost Light</a> (2008) by The King Blues where the singer expresses undying love and devotion through the line: “I’ll kiss you after you’ve thrown up in the gutter / I’d do anything for you”.</p>
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<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
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<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/valentines-day-research-backed-tips-for-dating-app-success-199059?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Valentine’s Day: research-backed tips for dating app success</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/online-dating-fatigue-why-some-people-are-turning-to-face-to-face-apps-first-184910?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Online dating fatigue – why some people are turning to face-to-face apps first</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/love-island-what-the-show-can-teach-young-people-about-commitment-185459?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Love Island – what the show can teach young people about commitment</a></em></p>
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<p>One of my own favourites, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jZ5R9uH_Vk">Dry Your Eyes</a> by The Streets (2004), not only eschews terms we’d associate with love, but launches into an expletive-laden ramble in the third verse, demonstrating how love can leave us unable to express ourselves eloquently (or even coherently).</p>
<p>Other songwriters, however, prefer the more direct approach. The likes of Billie Eilish, Avril Lavigne, Mike Love, Lou Reed, Chuck Berry, The Ramones, and dozens of others all releasing songs simply titled: I Love You. </p>
<p>I research song lyrics and creative writing. Here are my top tips for making your own love song special. </p>
<h2>1. Ensure it’s accessible</h2>
<p>Although the likes of Arctic Monkeys, The Streets and The King Blues have tried something a bit different, their quirky expressions of love risk alienating people who can’t make the connection between the image they’re presenting and the emotion they’re linking it to. </p>
<p>As I note in my book, <a href="https://www.bloomsbury.com/uk/writing-song-lyrics-9781137605542/%22%22">Writing Song Lyrics</a>, while such original phrasing may bring freshness to the subject matter, non-universal images may be so foreign that the connection isn’t made between them and love. This can make your words less impactful.</p>
<p>As it is, most successful love songs draw on the same tropes over and over. Rain, for example, is frequently used to symbolise pain and misery – think November Rain by Guns ‘N’ Roses, or Raining In My Heart by Buddy Holly. And sunshine is frequently used to represent happiness – think You Are the Sunshine of My Life by Stevie Wonder or Good Day Sunshine by The Beatles. </p>
<p>If a listener doesn’t have to work too hard, you could be on to a winner.</p>
<h2>2. Keep it simple and familiar</h2>
<p>Three of the <a href="https://www.officialcharts.com/chart-news/the-official-best-selling-love-songs-of-all-time__13786/">top five bestselling love ballads</a> are cover versions – Love Is All Around by Wet Wet Wet, Unchained Melody by Robson and Jerome and I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. This suggests that when it comes to love songs, we’re drawn to something we’re already familiar with. </p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/oOlDewpCfZQ?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">This video from The Axis of Awesome shows how the same four chords have powered many of our best-loved love songs.</span></figcaption>
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<p>A <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/10.1525/mp.2012.29.3.269.pdf?casa_token=OP3eJ_23LVMAAAAA:qyGHPASNT6jIBs1uuF4oQ6gXf7V7RCa9AKvi1QbrPEGJtESzoRJj0vIxWAOJWW11IGj53EIKzjIqgsMtJZfD-mZ2ntlLKcCIj3zs3EnEnRRoGeQRTg">2012 experiment</a> found that participants generally preferred songs that they rated as more structurally predictable. </p>
<p>Most popular love songs have discernible introductions, verses, choruses and bridge sections. Some, like I Will Always Love You and My Heart Will Go On, swap bridges (the parts of the song that connect the verse to the chorus) for dramatic key-change sections, but the best ones all strive to keep things as simple as possible.</p>
<h2>3. Make your lyrics relatable</h2>
<p>Love songs can <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/3108435.pdf?casa_token=8_24TTd78rsAAAAA:xmkx_cYqXcNtY9nur9mgGU26SWJuHxnLMey0yHQly7yhDXX0EVriOCMBAqsSwU_BdzVQfalAE4qkZXhLwqglx97leor95gzRs-H71zZTTFyk-ls9Hg">act as a mirror</a> for our own experiences. As listeners, we use songs as substitutes for what we cannot say. As such, it is important that we can relate love songs we listen to our own experiences. </p>
<p>This is probably the reason why so many love songs are broad in terms of their subject matter, focusing on generic occurrences, people and places rather than specifics to maximise their relatability. See Adele and Ed Sheeran for all the examples you could ever need in this area.</p>
<p>But if you want to write a song for that special someone, try to add a smattering of personal details. That will emphasise that the song has been written for them and them alone.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/536131/original/file-20230706-17-460x2d.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em>Looking for something good? Cut through the noise with a carefully curated selection of the latest releases, live events and exhibitions, straight to your inbox every fortnight, on Fridays. <a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/newsletters/something-good-156">Sign up here</a>.</em></p>
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<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Glenn Fosbraey does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The best love songs strive to keep things as simple as possible.Glenn Fosbraey, Associate Dean of Humanities and Social Sciences, University of WinchesterLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2230532024-02-08T13:38:04Z2024-02-08T13:38:04ZAmericans spend millions of dollars on Valentine’s Day roses. I calculated exactly how much<p>Feb. 14 is Valentine’s Day – an occasion that traditionally combines romance with big business. One of the biggest businesses is selling roses, which Americans increasingly love. Back in 1989, about 1 billion cut roses were sold annually in the U.S. By 2023, that had risen to roughly 2.8 billion – enough to give <a href="https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2021/08/united-states-adult-population-grew-faster-than-nations-total-population-from-2010-to-2020.html">every adult in the country</a> a bouquet of 10. </p>
<p>As a <a href="https://www.bu.edu/questrom/">business school</a> professor who studies the <a href="http://businessmacroeconomics.com/">economic impact</a> of holidays, <a href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/jay-zagorsky-58a90825a/">I wondered</a> how much money Americans spend on roses each year while I was standing in line with two dozen red and pink ones for my sweetheart. </p>
<p>It’s not easy to find out. The National Retail Federation estimates <a href="https://nrf.com/media-center/press-releases/valentines-day-spending-significant-others-reach-new-record-nrf-survey">people will spend US$2.6 billion on Valentine’s Day flowers</a>, but that includes everything from azaleas to zinnias. The Society of American Florists says that <a href="https://safnow.org/aboutflowers/holidays-occasions/valentines-day/valentines-day-floral-statistics/">250 million roses</a> are produced for the holiday, but it doesn’t estimate spending.</p>
<p>So I decided to investigate. And what I found was surprising: The roses in my hand were tied to the war on illegal drugs.</p>
<h2>Where are those roses coming from?</h2>
<p>Roses sold in the U.S. were once largely homegrown but are now <a href="https://dataweb.usitc.gov/">mainly imported</a> from South America. To learn more, I turned to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which for decades has tracked the number of domestic farms and nurseries selling cut roses. These farms are different from nurseries growing rose bushes sold in pots to landscapers and gardeners.</p>
<p>Back in 1970, there were <a href="https://agcensus.library.cornell.edu/wp-content/uploads/1969-Horticultural_Specialties-U.S._TABLES-660-Table-05.pdf">almost 800 U.S. commercial farms</a> and nurseries growing cut roses. U.S. cut-rose growers were powerhouses, selling almost half a billion roses annually.</p>
<p>But since the 1970s, American cut-rose growers have withered away. The USDA’s latest <a href="https://www.nass.usda.gov/Publications/AgCensus/2017/Online_Resources/Census_of_Horticulture_Specialties/hortic_1_0013_0013.pdf">Census of Horticultural Specialties</a> found about 110 farms and nurseries growing cut roses. These farms harvested only about 18 million roses, which is quite a comedown over 50 years.</p>
<p>So <a href="https://aei.ag/2022/02/14/valentines-flower-imports-trends/">where are roses coming from now</a>? In 2023, the <a href="https://dataweb.usitc.gov/">U.S. imported</a> about 2.8 billion cut roses. The Netherlands, site of the <a href="https://www.visitaalsmeer.nl/en/facts-flower-auction-aalsmeer/">world’s largest flower auction</a>, isn’t the answer. Instead, cut roses sold in the U.S. primarily come from two places: Colombia and Ecuador. <a href="https://emergingmarkets.today/colombia-blooms-the-growing-business-of-flower-exports-2023/">Colombia provides</a> almost 60% of our roses, and <a href="https://www.france24.com/en/live-news/20220715-no-bed-of-roses-for-ecuador-s-flower-industry">Ecuador almost</a> 40%.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Two security agents dressed in black inspect cardboard boxes filled with white and yellow flowers." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574189/original/file-20240207-20-x7p3w1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">U.S. Customs and Border Protection agriculture specialists inspect imported roses ahead of Mother’s Day in May 2023.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/redondo-beach-ca-united-states-customs-and-border-news-photo/1253740698?adppopup=true">Jay L. Clendenin/Los Angeles Times/Getty Images</a></span>
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<h2>Why Colombia and Ecuador?</h2>
<p>The shift from U.S.-grown roses to South American ones happened a few decades ago, when the U.S. and Colombian governments were looking for new ways to <a href="https://tradevistas.org/rose-how-trade-policy-was-used-to-fight-drugs-from-colombia/">stem the flow of cocaine</a> into the U.S.</p>
<p>One part of the strategy was to convince farmers in Colombia to stop growing coca leaves – a traditional Andean plant that provides the raw ingredient for making cocaine – by giving them preferential access to U.S. markets if they grew something else.</p>
<p>So, in the early 1990s, Colombia and Ecuador signed the Andean Trade Promotion and Drug Eradication Act. Signing gave these coca-producing countries duty-free access to U.S. markets in exchange for clamping down on growing illegal drugs.</p>
<p>Whether the act <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-flowers-you-buy-your-mom-for-mothers-day-may-be-tied-to-the-us-war-on-drugs-138162">stopped drug production is unclear</a>, but many businesses in Colombia and Ecuador started growing and shipping flowers north.</p>
<h2>Prices for roses</h2>
<p>The vast quantity of roses coming up from Colombia and Ecuador has kept rose prices in check. The <a href="https://www.marketnews.usda.gov/mnp/fv-help-02">USDA has tracked</a> the price of a <a href="https://www.britannica.com/plant/tea-rose">dozen red hybrid tea roses</a> – the ones you commonly see being offered to romantic partners on Valentine’s Day – sold in major supermarkets weekly since 2011. Back in 2011, a dozen roses would set a buyer back a bit over $10. In 2023, the same arrangement cost around two dollars more, a price increase of 20%. Inflation went up 35% over the same time, making roses comparatively cheaper.</p>
<p>While rose prices are low during much of the year, they have large seasonal swings. In a typical year, <a href="https://www.marketnews.usda.gov/mnp/fv-report-retail?&commodity=ROSE,+HYBRID+TEA&repDate=01/01/2023&repType=wiz&endDate=09/01/2023&run=Run&type=retail&compareLy=No&locChoose=locState&portal=fv&commodityClass=allcommodity&region=NATIONAL&class=ORNAMENTALS&organic=ALL&startIndex=1">supermarket prices for a dozen roses</a> double around Valentine’s Day. Last year, <a href="https://www.marketnews.usda.gov/mnp/fv-report-retail?&commodity=ROSE,+HYBRID+TEA&repDate=01/01/2023&repType=wiz&endDate=09/01/2023&run=Run&type=retail&compareLy=No&locChoose=locState&portal=fv&commodityClass=allcommodity&region=NATIONAL&class=ORNAMENTALS&organic=ALL&startIndex=1">prices ranged</a> from a low in August of about $8 to almost $23 before Valentine’s Day. While the USDA doesn’t track flower shop prices, visiting my local florist shows the cost of <a href="https://www.winstonflowers.com/rose-collection/cat5100126">premium long-stem roses in vases</a> is higher.</p>
<h2>Why the price increase?</h2>
<p>Prices rise around Valentine’s Day as all parts of the supply chain, from growers to wholesalers to retailers, are stressed during the buying surge.</p>
<p>The U.S. government tracks monthly the <a href="https://www.usitc.gov/">import price</a> of single roses. In 2023, before Valentine’s Day, the average cut rose stem cost 40 cents <a href="https://www.bbc.com/future/bespoke/made-on-earth/the-new-roots-of-the-flower-trade/">coming off the cargo plane</a>. This is higher than the annual low in August of 25 cents a stem. This means in August, roses cost wholesalers $3 a dozen, while a dozen Valentine’s Day roses cost $5 after clearing customs.</p>
<p>The USDA not only tracks prices in supermarkets but also <a href="https://usda.library.cornell.edu/concern/publications/b2773v71t">wholesale flower prices</a> in my city, Boston. Retail customers can’t buy flowers at these prices, since the <a href="http://www.newenglandflowerexchange.com/home.html">flower market caters</a> only to people in the trade. Just before Valentine’s Day 2024, <a href="https://downloads.usda.library.cornell.edu/usda-esmis/files/b2773v71t/zp38z133b/9880xb84f/BH_FV201.PDF">Boston wholesalers were charging</a> between $1 and $1.65 per stem of hybrid tea roses. <a href="https://downloads.usda.library.cornell.edu/usda-esmis/files/b2773v71t/2j62tn33p/k643ch93t/BH_FV201.TXT">Back in August 2023</a>, they were selling roses for between 90 cents and $1.50 per stem. These wholesale prices suggest supermarkets don’t make much if any money selling roses most of the year, earning profits only during the peak holiday times.</p>
<p>While none of the sources directly answered my question on how much money Americans spent on roses each year, it’s easy to calculate a rough value. In 2023, there were around 2.8 billion cut roses sold. Given the average price in supermarkets over the whole year for a dozen roses was a bit over $12, this means people in the U.S. are spending more than $3 billion annually.</p>
<p>And if you’re buying roses for your sweetheart, like I did for mine, then you’re contributing to the roughly half a billion dollars worth of roses bought to say “I love you” at Valentine’s Day.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223053/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jay L. Zagorsky does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Coming to grips with the economics of roses can be a thorny issue.Jay L. Zagorsky, Associate Professor of Markets, Public Policy and Law, Boston UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1988852023-02-13T19:13:14Z2023-02-13T19:13:14ZWhat happens in our brain and body when we’re in love?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508767/original/file-20230208-13-1s2l0s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=23%2C31%2C5152%2C3414&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/A7Um4oi-UYU">JustinFollis/Unsplash</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Love dominates our popular culture and is the subject of countless songs, movies, and works of literature and art. But what’s happening in our body when we feel love?</p>
<p>Love is difficult to define, but can be described as an intense feeling of deep affection. At the most basic level, science sees love as a cocktail of chemicals released by the brain. </p>
<p>From an evolutionary perspective, romantic love evolved from the primitive animal drive to find and keep preferred mates. Love <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-love-139212">keeps people bonded</a> and committed to one another, to raise children through infancy. This ensures our species will continue to reproduce, survive and thrive. </p>
<p>However, romantic love is not just about reproduction. Some <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mehy.2019.05.011">argue</a> we should consider love a motivation, like hunger, thirst, sleep or sex. </p>
<p>There are many benefits of loving others and being loved. These <a href="https://theconversation.com/love-is-good-for-us-so-why-do-lawmakers-try-to-break-us-up-131191">include</a> better mental health, wellbeing and immune function, and reduced chronic stress and disease. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-love-139212">What is love?</a>
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</em>
</p>
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<h2>What happens when someone initially falls in love?</h2>
<p>Falling in love typically begins when someone starts to see another person as special and unique. </p>
<p>The initial phase of falling in love is an <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27366726/">extreme neurobiological state</a>, characterised by heightened responses and high passion. Lust and attraction are driven by the sex hormones, estrogen and testosterone, as motivations for sex. </p>
<p>Specific areas of the brain are activated when you fall in love, in particular the limbic system and the reward centres. The limbic system has key roles in emotion and memory. This causes a positive mood and explains why the memories associated with new love are so strong. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A young lesbian couple cuddle in long grass" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508763/original/file-20230208-23-zvpqn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508763/original/file-20230208-23-zvpqn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508763/original/file-20230208-23-zvpqn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508763/original/file-20230208-23-zvpqn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508763/original/file-20230208-23-zvpqn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508763/original/file-20230208-23-zvpqn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508763/original/file-20230208-23-zvpqn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Memories of early love are strong because the brain’s limbic system is activated.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/03tSOB03Xko">Masha S/Unsplash</a></span>
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<p>There is also an increase in dopamine and noradrenaline. Dopamine stimulates the reward pathways and increases motivation and obsessive thoughts and behaviours to pursue the love interest. Noradrenaline causes the feelings of euphoria, and the physiological responses of a faster heart rate, butterflies in the stomach and increased energy.</p>
<p>At the same time, other brain areas are deactivated. Reduced activity in the frontal cortex reduces negative emotions and judgements. This explains why initially people may be blind to faults in the person they are in love with.</p>
<p>But while you might be feeling less judgement, there is also increased cortisol, stress and feelings of insecurity in the early phase of falling in love. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/love-is-good-for-us-so-why-do-lawmakers-try-to-break-us-up-131191">Love is good for us, so why do lawmakers try to break us up?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
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<h2>How does romantic love change over time?</h2>
<p>The initial phase of falling in love and intense infatuation lasts for several months. </p>
<p>During the next phase, there is increased intimacy, commitment and attachment. This is driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin helps us feel safe and secure after the initial high cortisol and stress of the uncertainty and risk of falling in love. Vasopressin promotes behaviours of vigilance and being territorial and self-protective. </p>
<p>Between oxytocin and vasopressin there is a balance of connecting with others while also protecting the person you are in love with and yourself.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Older couple walk in a forest" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508771/original/file-20230208-20-78hdw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508771/original/file-20230208-20-78hdw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=374&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508771/original/file-20230208-20-78hdw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=374&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508771/original/file-20230208-20-78hdw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=374&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508771/original/file-20230208-20-78hdw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=470&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508771/original/file-20230208-20-78hdw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=470&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508771/original/file-20230208-20-78hdw8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=470&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Oxytocin helps us feel safe and secure.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/GPJ3VEbEDH4">Alex Blajan/Unsplash</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Oxytocin is often called the “hormone of love” because it <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2022.104948">facilitates</a> the formation of social bonds and connections. However, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2022.12.011">new research in animal models</a> suggests oxytocin is not essential for life-long pair-bonding as previously thought.</p>
<p>Sexual activity is distinct from love, but it does reinforce attachment. When we touch, kiss or have sex, oxytocin and vasopressin <a href="https://theconversation.com/whats-the-point-of-sex-its-good-for-your-physical-social-and-mental-health-67848">are released</a>, which promotes love and commitment between a couple. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/whats-the-point-of-sex-its-good-for-your-physical-social-and-mental-health-67848">What's the point of sex? It's good for your physical, social and mental health</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Years into a romantic relationship, there is often a period of <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22119059/">transition</a> from passionate love to companion love. High intimacy and commitment help to sustain this love. Some relationships end at this time because of the reduced passion, while other couples remain in the passionate love phase for decades. </p>
<h2>What about non-romantic love?</h2>
<p>Beyond its role in romantic love, oxytocin is important in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1124/pr.120.019398">all forms of love</a>, including with family, friends and even pets. Positive social relationships and oxytocin have many <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijpsycho.2022.07.007">benefits</a> on human health, wellbeing and longevity. </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="Person pats cat in bed" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508772/original/file-20230208-13-37gyqj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508772/original/file-20230208-13-37gyqj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508772/original/file-20230208-13-37gyqj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508772/original/file-20230208-13-37gyqj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=900&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508772/original/file-20230208-13-37gyqj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508772/original/file-20230208-13-37gyqj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508772/original/file-20230208-13-37gyqj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1131&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Oxytocin plays a role in our love for pets, too.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/mAsKA0jFfeQ">Chris Abney/Unsplash</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In our research, we <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/48705219">have shown</a> oxytocin is associated with better quality of life and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.10.018">healthier social connections</a>, among people with and without depression. </p>
<p>So, for the love of your favourite person, people or pet(s), whoever they are, however long you love them for, and however many times you fall in love, relish loving and being loved. </p>
<p>Love might just be nature’s best chemical cocktail. But all the intricacies of the complex behaviour and emotion of love <a href="https://theconversation.com/love-is-it-just-a-fleeting-high-fuelled-by-brain-chemicals-129201">continue to elude science</a>.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/love-is-it-just-a-fleeting-high-fuelled-by-brain-chemicals-129201">Love: is it just a fleeting high fuelled by brain chemicals?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/198885/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>At the most basic level, the brain releases a cocktail of chemicals. But there’s more to it than that.Theresa Larkin, Associate professor of Medical Sciences, University of WollongongSusan J Thomas, Associate professor, University of WollongongLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1998132023-02-13T16:52:44Z2023-02-13T16:52:44ZValentine’s Day: why you should send a love letter not a text – with help from some of English’s greatest writers<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509748/original/file-20230213-6328-jj6yjt.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=251%2C278%2C5425%2C3125&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Love letters have a rich history as Valentine's Day gifts.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/set-vintage-dip-pen-inkpot-blank-1705591972">AnnGeorgievna / Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Most of us, these days, communicate via text message, email and posts on social media. The age of the letter, it seems, is past. </p>
<p>But there’s something a letter can communicate, that a WhatsApp message or Instagram Story can’t. Having spent a lot of the last ten years thinking about different forms of writing, I want to suggest that we should write more letters – specifically, more love letters. </p>
<p>And given that many of us are out of practice in this important art, I want to turn to some of the English language’s most touching, intimate, and outrageous love letters for inspiration.</p>
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<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/love-languages-might-help-you-understand-your-partner-but-its-not-exactly-science-199040?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">‘Love languages’ might help you understand your partner – but it’s not exactly science</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/it-might-be-scary-but-making-phone-calls-can-be-good-for-young-peoples-wellbeing-198097?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">It might be scary but making phone calls can be good for young people’s wellbeing</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/anxiety-can-lead-to-erection-problems-in-young-men-but-reaching-for-viagra-isnt-always-the-solution-191980?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Anxiety can lead to erection problems in young men – but reaching for Viagra isn’t always the solution</a></em></p>
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<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Painting of John Keats sat on a riverbank, looking at the moon with trees in the background." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=719&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=719&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=719&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=904&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=904&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509752/original/file-20230213-22-ch58fj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=904&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">John Keats Listening to a Nightingale on Hampstead Heath by Joseph Severn.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://artuk.org/discover/artworks/keats-listening-to-a-nightingale-on-hampstead-heath-52105">City of London Corporation</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Letters require pen, ink, paper, stamps, and, more often than not, a desk or table to lean on. The physicality of letters – not just their paper-and-inkiness, but the fact that they have passed through the hand, as much as the heart, of their authors – has always been their appeal.</p>
<p>Poet John Keats has become the <a href="https://yalebooks.co.uk/page/detail/?k=9780300197273">archetype of the doomed romantic</a>. <a href="https://keatslettersproject.com/category/correspondence/to-fanny-brawne-1-jul-1819/">His letters to Fanny Brawne</a> are <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/cambridge-companion-to-keats/keatss-letters/08E5C5592FDB9C3F335F46ED60ABB5C5">testament</a> both to his brilliance as a writer and his passion as a lover.</p>
<p>It is striking how frequently, throughout his correspondence, Keats expresses pleasure at having missed the post. As he opens his first letter to Fanny:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I am glad I had not an opportunity of sending off a letter which I wrote for you on Tuesday night – ’twas too much like one out of Rousseau’s Heloise. I am more reasonable this morning.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Letters both express the feelings of a moment and are also the result of recollection and revision: “The morning is the only proper time for me to write to a beautiful Girl I love so much.”</p>
<h2>Love letters and longing</h2>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Black white photograph of Emily Dickinson, she wears her hair parted in the middle and a long sleeved black dress." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=735&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=735&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=735&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=924&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=924&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509754/original/file-20230213-15-6b2dy6.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=924&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Photograph of Emily Dickinson (1847).</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Black-white_photograph_of_Emily_Dickinson2.png">Amherst College Archives & Special Collections</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/09524142.2021.1911170">longing for the presence of an absent lover</a> is the love letter’s key characteristic. In Keats’s first letter to Fanny, this is expressed subtly, through a description of writing on the Isle of Wight. It would be a lovely place to live, Keats remarks, were it not for the “remembrance” of the absent Fanny.</p>
<p>Author Henry James’s touching letters to the sculptor Hendrik Andersen (his “dear Boy”) are <a href="https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Beloved_Boy/hFGUEbtBV7sC?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=henry+james+hendrik+andersen&printsec=frontcover">more pragmatic</a> in their imagination of Hendrik’s presence in James’s home: “My little old house is … on a very limited scale indeed. But it serves my turn and will serve yours.”</p>
<p>This anticipation of Hendrik’s presence is mirrored by a recollection of past encounters, tinged with melancholy:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I have never … passed the little corner where we came up Udimore hill in the eventide on our bicycles, without thinking ever so tenderly of our charming spin homeward in the twilight and feeling again the strange perversity it made of that sort of thing being so soon over. Never mind – we shall have more, lots more, of that sort of thing!</p>
</blockquote>
<p>What “that sort of thing” is, we can guess, but only James and Andersen can know.</p>
<p>Melancholic recollection also sustains eager anticipation in poet <a href="http://archive.emilydickinson.org/working/hl2.htm">Emily Dickinson’s letters</a> to her sister-in-law (the relationships at the heart of the greatest love letters are less than straightforward), Susie Huntington Gilbert:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I shall grow more and more impatient until that dear day [of Susie’s return] comes, for till now, I have only mourned for you; now I begin to hope for you.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>One of Dickinson’s letters to Susie encloses a violet which she hopes will “speak to” her. The artefacts included with a letter can be as important as the words it contains. Framing in words her desire for Susie’s return, Dickinson imagines them in silence together:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>We need not talk at all, our eyes would whisper for us, and your hand fast in mine, we would not ask for language.</p>
</blockquote>
<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A black and white photo of James Joyce. He wears a black high neck coat, buttoned up and round glasses." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=804&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=804&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=804&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1011&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1011&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509755/original/file-20230213-6328-ad3jl3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1011&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">James Joyce, photographed by Camille Ruf (1918).</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Revolutionary_Joyce_Better_Contrast.jpg">Cornell Joyce Collection</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Twilight bike rides and silently holding hands are not all there is to being a lover. Irish author James Joyce was prosecuted for obscenity in his novel Ulysses – but that has nothing on <a href="https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/02/02/james-joyces-love-letters-dirty-little-fuckbird/">his letters to his wife</a>, Nora Barnacle.</p>
<p>“You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you,” he reminisces tenderly in one letter. </p>
<p>Love letters – ones like Joyce’s to Barnacle especially – are surely the litmus test of whether we should read other people’s correspondence. </p>
<p>Regardless, we can certainly write our own. It would be a pity if the letter were to die by neglect and to take with it the imagination of presence it alone can achieve.</p>
<p>A photo beamed via a satellite from a smartphone is never the same as a description of a place the lover must try hard to imagine. In holding their writing you are holding your lover’s hand – even if they are far away.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/199813/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ross Wilson does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>A photo beamed via a satellite from a smartphone is never the same as the description of a place the lover must try hard to imagine.Ross Wilson, Lecturer in Criticism, University of CambridgeLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1739562022-01-10T13:35:46Z2022-01-10T13:35:46ZHow much candy do Americans eat in a whole year?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/439369/original/file-20220104-19-12kg47e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C31%2C5334%2C3170&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Most candy is basically just a heap of sugar.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/candies-at-la-boqueria-market-in-barcelona-royalty-free-image/541365978">Atlantide Phototravel/Corbis Documentary via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/281719/original/file-20190628-76743-26slbc.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/281719/original/file-20190628-76743-26slbc.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=293&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/281719/original/file-20190628-76743-26slbc.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=293&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/281719/original/file-20190628-76743-26slbc.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=293&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/281719/original/file-20190628-76743-26slbc.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=368&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/281719/original/file-20190628-76743-26slbc.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=368&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/281719/original/file-20190628-76743-26slbc.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=368&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/us/topics/curious-kids-us-74795">Curious Kids</a> is a series for children of all ages. If you have a question you’d like an expert to answer, send it to <a href="mailto:curiouskidsus@theconversation.com">curiouskidsus@theconversation.com</a>.</em></p>
<hr>
<blockquote>
<p><strong>How much candy do Americans eat in a whole year? – Yvanna C., age 9, Nevada</strong></p>
</blockquote>
<hr>
<p>From sweet treats to holiday indulgences, candy plays a big role in American culture, with consumption surging around <a href="https://www.cnbc.com/2016/03/24/easter-wins-the-candy-battle.html">Valentine’s Day, Halloween, Easter</a> and <a href="https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/digital-resource-provides-chocolate--candy-consumers-more-information-options--support-this-holiday-season-300964938.html">Christmas</a>.</p>
<p>Sugar, whether it’s derived from sugar cane, sugar beets or corn, <a href="https://www.britannica.com/topic/candy-food">is a primary ingredient</a> in all candies, partly because it can be masterfully crafted to all sorts of different sizes, shapes and textures. Whether you are nibbling on rock candy, chewing on taffy, munching on jellybeans or licking a lollipop, you’re basically eating <a href="https://www.verywellfit.com/candy-nutrition-facts-calories-and-carb-counts-4117488">spoonfuls of sugar</a>. </p>
<p>The average American consumes an <a href="https://doi.org/10.3945/an.114.007302">estimated 8 pounds of candy</a> (3.7 kilograms) annually, with children eating even more. On a typical day, 1 in 4 eat at least some candy and almost all of us do it once a year. <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=stpmECEAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao">As a dietitian</a>, I advise moderation, even on special occasions.</p>
<p>That’s because growing kids, and adults too, need food to have enough energy, maintain strong bones and muscles and help their bodies fight infections. </p>
<p>Fruits, vegetables, grains, dairy products and nuts contain <a href="https://www.heart.org/en/healthy-living/healthy-eating/eat-smart/sugar/sugar-101">natural sugars</a> for energy that are better for you. Those foods also provide nutrients, like iron and vitamin C, that your body needs for good health and survival. </p>
<p>While the sugars in candy do provide plenty of calories for energy, your body doesn’t benefit from those “<a href="https://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/Mhealthy/WhatAreEmptyCalories.pdf">empty calories</a>.” In fact, your body does not need them at all. Sugars that do not provide health benefits are called <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-to-reduce-your-kids-sugar-consumption-this-halloween-and-why-its-so-important-148336">added sugars</a>.</p>
<h2>What happens when you eat too much candy</h2>
<p>Another reason it’s best to eat only small amounts of candy is that if you eat so much of it on an empty stomach that you feel full, your body will get <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1136/openhrt-2016-000469">too little of the important stuff it needs</a>. </p>
<p>Eating too much candy, <a href="https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/healthy-drinks/sugary-drinks/">drinking too many sugary beverages</a> and consuming other sources of added sugar can leave you feeling <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2019.03.016">tired and generally unwell</a> in the short term. If you ingest too much sugar all the time, your risk for lifelong health conditions, such as <a href="https://www.heart.org/en/healthy-living/healthy-eating/eat-smart/sugar/how-too-much-added-sugar-affects-your-health-infographic">diabetes or heart disease</a>, will rise.</p>
<p>Candy can also harm your teeth, increasing the <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/oralhealth/conditions/index.html">chances you’ll get cavities</a>. They cause a lot of pain – especially when the <a href="https://www.webmd.com/oral-health/picture-of-the-teeth">roots and nerves</a> of your teeth are damaged.</p>
<h2>Making every bite count</h2>
<p>Rather than downing an entire bag of gummy worms, eat a couple pieces and save some for later.</p>
<p>It’s also best to fill up on healthier choices. One sweet choice could be a low-sugar yogurt, which has calcium – which is good for your teeth and bones – or an apple, which is packed with <a href="https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/food-features/apples/">vitamin C and fiber</a>.</p>
<p>For a chocolate fix, consider <a href="https://tastesbetterfromscratch.com/gourmet-chocolate-covered-strawberries/">dipping strawberries in melted chocolate</a> – it’s fun, creative and a healthier option. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A plateful of chocolate-covered strawberries" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439372/original/file-20220104-21-1jwav4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Making your own chocolate-covered strawberries is easier than you might think and a good way to curb candy consumption.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/chocolate-dipped-strawberries-in-clear-glass-plate-royalty-free-image/157189813">fstop123/E+ via Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Just a bit</h2>
<p>Like other experts, I recommend that adults and children alike aim for moderation by consuming no more than <a href="https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/resources/2020-2025-dietary-guidelines-online-materials/top-10-things-you-need-know-about-dietary">10% of their total calories from added sugars</a>.</p>
<p>For <a href="https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/wecan/downloads/calreqtips.pdf">young children</a> that can mean limiting added sugars to no more than about 100 calories. That’s about equal to <a href="https://www.dietaryguidelines.gov/sites/default/files/2021-11/DGA_FactSheet_AddedSugars_2021-06_508c.pdf">25 grams at most</a>, the amount in 6 teaspoons of sugar or <a href="https://www.consumerreports.org/diet-nutrition/what-100-calories-of-halloween-candy-looks-like-a1053385539/">24 Skittles</a>.</p>
<p>For teens or adults requiring <a href="https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/2000-calorie-diet#how-many-calories">2,000 calories daily</a>, sugar should amount to no more than 50 grams – about 200 of those calories.</p>
<p>However, Americans consume sugar in many other ways. Many of us drink sodas and other sugary drinks. We eat other sweet things, such as cake, ice cream, cookies, pie and brownies. <a href="https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/added-sugar-where-is-it-hiding">Processed foods</a> ranging from bread to spaghetti sauce often include significant amounts of added sugars.</p>
<p>Still, having a little candy once in a while is fine. Just make sure you follow a balanced diet, drink plenty of water and brush your teeth regularly.</p>
<hr>
<p><em>Hello, curious kids! Do you have a question you’d like an expert to answer? Ask an adult to send your question to <a href="mailto:curiouskidsus@theconversation.com">CuriousKidsUS@theconversation.com</a>. Please tell us your name, age and the city where you live.</em></p>
<p><em>And since curiosity has no age limit – adults, let us know what you’re wondering, too. We won’t be able to answer every question, but we will do our best.</em></p>
<p></p><hr> <p></p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/439239/original/file-20220103-48418-1p7tcpi.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/439239/original/file-20220103-48418-1p7tcpi.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439239/original/file-20220103-48418-1p7tcpi.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439239/original/file-20220103-48418-1p7tcpi.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439239/original/file-20220103-48418-1p7tcpi.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439239/original/file-20220103-48418-1p7tcpi.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/439239/original/file-20220103-48418-1p7tcpi.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p><em>This article is part of a series examining sugar’s effects on human health and culture. <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/topics/sugar-2022-114641">You can read the articles on theconversation.com.</a></em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/173956/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rahel Mathews does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>A healthy diet can include some candy. But if you eat too much, it can interfere with your appetite for the stuff your body actually needs.Rahel Mathews, Assistant Professor of Nutrition, Mississippi State UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1305672020-02-14T13:55:24Z2020-02-14T13:55:24ZAncient spells and charms for the hapless in love<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/315490/original/file-20200214-10980-1bzsjqy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=21%2C187%2C1295%2C756&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Magic was an every day part of life in the Graeco-Roman empire.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic_in_the_Graeco-Roman_world#/media/File:Circe_Offering_the_Cup_to_Odysseus.jpg">John William Waterhouse</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Valentine’s Days is not all love hearts and roses for everyone. For the hapless in love, the day can be a yearly reminder of failed romances, unrequited love and the seemingly unending search for the illusive “one”.</p>
<p>Such problems of the heart span cultures and history. The inhabitants of the Graeco-Roman world suffered the same heartaches and the same emotional highs and lows as we do today. While we are left with apps to swipe on, a greater belief in magic in this period provided interesting opportunities to find love. </p>
<p>Hope was placed on spells, mysterious words and magical objects to grant the gift of love on their users or to take it away from rivals.</p>
<h2>Ticks and fish blood</h2>
<p>The <a href="https://archive.org/details/TheGreekMagicalPapyriInTranslation/page/n2/mode/2up%3C">Greek Magical Papyri</a> are a series of ancient spell books from Egypt from between the 2nd century BC and the 5th century AD. They are a sort of do-it-yourself guide to magical rituals that offers solutions to problems like finding a thief, keeping calm, curing fevers and demonic possession. Unsurprisingly, love charms feature prominently.</p>
<p>Depending on the lengths a hopeful lover was willing to go (and their level of lust/obsession/desperation) there was something for all levels of effort. Some spells are “simple”: “To get a certain [her] at the baths: rub a tick from a dead dog on the loins.”</p>
<p>Others require a bit more preparatory work. One advertised as the “irresistible love spell of attraction” asks the unlucky lover to use fish blood to write a spell invoking demons on the skin of an ass. They must then wrap it in <a href="https://www.wildlifetrusts.org/wildlife-explorer/wildflowers/common-vetch">vetch</a> (a plant with pink flowers) and hide it in the mouth of a recently deceased dog. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/315487/original/file-20200214-10980-1i1dv52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/315487/original/file-20200214-10980-1i1dv52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=529&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315487/original/file-20200214-10980-1i1dv52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=529&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315487/original/file-20200214-10980-1i1dv52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=529&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315487/original/file-20200214-10980-1i1dv52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=664&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315487/original/file-20200214-10980-1i1dv52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=664&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315487/original/file-20200214-10980-1i1dv52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=664&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Harpocrates seated on a lotus.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/253781">The Met Museum</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Most spells required a special ingredient to be used in a specific way in combination with arcane words. These spells don’t leave archaeological traces for us to find. One love spell asked the user to have an iron ring inscribed with <a href="https://exhibitions.kelsey.lsa.umich.edu/art-science-healing/harpocrates.php">Harpocrates</a> (the Hellenistic god of silence) seated on a lotus in their hands while they shouted magical words at the moon from a rooftop. Several such <a href="http://www2.szepmuveszeti.hu/talismans/object/search?lang1=default&mdesc=false&lang2=default&element=482&multiple_cond=and">gemstones matching this description</a> have been found. </p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/spells-charms-erotic-dolls-love-magic-in-the-ancient-mediterranean-98459">Love potions</a> themselves have a long history and are discussed in several ancient texts. A Demotic (written in ancient Egyptian) spell proposed the following method: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Take the fragment of the tip of your fingernail and apple seed together with blood from your finger… Pound the apple, add blood to it and put it in the cup of wine. Recite [the given spell] seven times over it and you should make the woman drink it at a special time.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>This visceral recipe is a variant of a spell that also added semen, and the hair of a dead man to the mixture.</p>
<h2>Rings, curses and more blood</h2>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/315489/original/file-20200214-11005-54s2m6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/315489/original/file-20200214-11005-54s2m6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=773&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315489/original/file-20200214-11005-54s2m6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=773&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315489/original/file-20200214-11005-54s2m6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=773&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315489/original/file-20200214-11005-54s2m6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=972&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315489/original/file-20200214-11005-54s2m6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=972&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/315489/original/file-20200214-11005-54s2m6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=972&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Polemious’s gold ring.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://research.britishmuseum.org/research/collection_online/collection_object_details/collection_image_gallery.aspx?assetId=96038001&objectId=1364758&partId=1">The Trustees of the British Museum</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>A <a href="https://research.britishmuseum.org/research/collection_online/collection_object_details.aspx?objectId=1364758&partId=1&searchText=polemios&page=1">gold ring found in Corbridge</a>, Northumberland, in 1935 is inscribed in Greek with <em>ΠOΛEMIOYΦIΛTPON</em>, “<a href="https://romanmagic.wordpress.com/2018/07/13/object-in-focus-the-love-charm-of-polemius/">The love charm of Polemius</a>”. Polemius was a man who either wore this ring to enhance his allure and sexual qualities or gave it to the object of his affections. If it was the latter, it may have been given conspicuously as a gift or hidden on or around them as a clandestine token. It is a uniquely personal object from the edge of the Roman Empire that speaks of the unfulfilled desires of a Greek-speaking man over 1,700 years ago.</p>
<p>Curses were used in the ancient world to condemn thieves, protect businesses, ruin rival chariot teams and to create better opportunities for lovers. Sometimes a desired partner was already in a relationship, and cursing their partner (to discredit, harm or kill them) offered a chance to change this. A lead curse tablet from Boetia, Greece, was written by someone jealously in love with a man called Kabeira and tries to damn his wife Zois:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I assign Zois the Eretrian, wife of Kabeira, to Earth and to Hermes — her food, her drink, her sleep, her laughter, her intercourse, her playing of the kithara, and her entrance, her pleasure, her little buttocks, her thinking, her eyes… </p>
</blockquote>
<p>Curses were personal, private contracts between a person and a deity. The leaden tablets were often folded over and sometimes pierced with a nail, which often went through the written name of the curse’s target. They were thrown into rivers, sacred springs, hidden in secret places and <a href="https://mckies.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/curse-tablet-of-the-month-9-november-2014/">even dug into the graves of the recently dead</a>. </p>
<p>Magical and medicinal means were also suggested for resolving relatable problems in ancient relationships. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aelius_Promotus">Aelius Promotus</a>, an Alexandrian physician, recommended that barley soaked in menstrual blood and wrapped in mule skin could be tied onto a woman as a contraceptive.</p>
<p>Opposingly, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcellus_Empiricus">Marcellus of Bordeaux</a> (4th-5th century AD) suggested that a waning sex drive could be cured by finding the right aphrodisiac. He suggested wearing the right testicle of a rooster in a pouch around the neck.</p>
<p>Roman magic may have been a cathartic experience for the heartbroken or an exhilarating one for the lovestruck. The idea that people will do whatever is within their power to find love belongs to a long and ever-evolving tradition. These spells, rituals, tokens and curses highlight the essential nature of love and heartbreak in the ancient world and implicitly connects our cultures across time.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/130567/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Adam Parker does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Across the Graeco-Roman Empire, the romantically challenged turned to magic to improve their chancesAdam Parker, PhD Candidate in Classical Studies, The Open UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1115572019-02-12T13:38:40Z2019-02-12T13:38:40ZValentine’s Day: five ways to ensure your flowers are ethical<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/258285/original/file-20190211-174880-z6fe9h.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=5%2C17%2C3876%2C2566&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Anett / shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>If you take an interest in ethical consumerism and plan to treat someone special this February 14, what dilemmas lie ahead? You might already be conscious of getting <a href="https://www.opendemocracy.net/beyondslavery/amanda-berlan/child-rights-in-chocolate-industry-rocky-road-to-progress">child labour</a> and <a href="http://www.slavefreechocolate.org/">slave-free</a> chocolate, a recycled card, even <a href="http://blogs.coventry.ac.uk/researchblog/responsible-jewellery-dirty-gold/">fair trade gold</a>, and perhaps vintage or <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10220461.2014.972441?src=recsys">conflict-free diamonds</a> if it’s a very special year. But what about your flowers? </p>
<p>This year one of us (Jill Timms) will spend her Valentine’s Day looking at <a href="https://www.coventry.ac.uk/research/areas-of-research/business-in-society/our-research/sustainable-production-and-consumption/">sustainable supply chains</a> in Lake Naivasha, Kenya, where hundreds of flower workers will be recovering from their busiest time of year. </p>
<p>Across the world, <a href="https://aboutflowers.com/holidays-occasions/valentines-day/valentines-day-floral-statistics/">250m rose stems</a> will be produced for the day. Of those exported to the EU, 38% are from Kenya, where flower <a href="http://kenyaflowercouncil.org/?page_id=92">export values</a> have trebled this decade. Governments in Ethiopia, Tanzania and more recently Uganda and Rwanda, are also pursuing expansion, with flowers now accounting for <a href="https://www.befair.be/en/content/say-it-flowers-ethics-and-sustainability-flower-value-chain-0">10% of East African exports</a>.</p>
<p>That part of the world has a natural abundance of heat and space, and lots of available cheap labour. Flowers could help the regional economy to “bloom”. However, there are significant social and environmental challenges, such as the massive <a href="https://www.befair.be/en/content/say-it-flowers-ethics-and-sustainability-flower-value-chain-0">population growth</a> around Lake Naivasha which contributes to pollution and has helped cut the <a href="https://www.circleofblue.org/2010/world/blooming-controversy-what-is-killing-the-wildlife-in-kenya%E2%80%99s-lake-naivasha/">lake’s volume in half</a>. </p>
<p>Our own <a href="http://blogs.coventry.ac.uk/researchblog/say-it-with-flowers/">research project</a> on sustainable flowers focuses on stakeholders from different parts of the supply chain. But you definitely have a role to play here too, and it begins with asking questions of the flowers you buy. Here are our top five:</p>
<h2>1. Where are the flowers from?</h2>
<p>Geography matters. Some flowers travel by sea, some cargo plane and others in the hold of passenger jets, all with very different carbon footprints. For instance more than 90% of UK flowers are imported, mostly from the Netherlands, although Kenya and Columbia are <a href="https://www.nfuonline.com/assets/63746">increasingly important suppliers</a>. Chemical sprays freeze flowers to extend life, and they often travel via the Dutch flower hub. Historically the Netherlands has been the industry powerhouse, but now works hard to retain this in the face of direct supermarket buying, growth in Chinese, East African and South American production, and criticism of the extra “flower miles” involved in transporting via Holland.</p>
<p>So provenance is important, but you may struggle to know this. Flowers are not always labelled, labels don’t always specify origin or may list the Netherlands if bought at auction, and bouquets include flowers from multiple sources. Even when the origin is known, things can still be unclear as sustainability issues vary widely by country and flower.</p>
<p>Of course, very short supply chains are possible for some varieties (the shortest being from your garden, if you have one). But this sort of localised growing does not satisfy the demand for volume, variety and year-round supply, or indeed guarantee sustainability in terms of energy, pesticide use and so on.</p>
<h2>2. Have the flowers met any standard of practice?</h2>
<p>In response to ethical concerns, “certification” schemes are becoming more common. Yet we find consumers, florists and even wholesalers are often unaware or misunderstand these, with <a href="http://www.fairtrade.org.uk/Buying-Fairtrade/Flowers">Fairtrade</a> still being the only one with wider recognition.</p>
<p>We are working with bodies including the <a href="https://www.bfaflorist.org/">British Florist Association</a> to educate florists about standards, and wholesalers like <a href="https://www.fleurametz.com/en-GB/">Fleurmetz</a> to review how certification can be more visible. You can help by asking your florist if their flowers are certified. If they don’t know, ask to see delivery boxes. </p>
<h2>3. Who does your purchase support?</h2>
<p>In the UK, about <a href="http://www.theflorist.co.uk/images/stories/downloads/2020-vision-report2.pdf">60% of flowers</a> are bought from supermarkets, with the rest mostly from florists. Supermarkets have their pros and cons. Flowers tend to be better labelled, and they are more likely to cut out the auctions and buy direct from growers, which assures provenance and means they can influence standards. However the supermarkets might not share this information, and their demands on price, volume and the short time from field to market can put inordinate <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10460-009-9237-2">pressure on farms</a>. </p>
<p>In contrast, the demise of the high street, Brexit uncertainty and increased online and supermarket competition, has led to “<a href="https://www.britishfloristassociation.org/">support your local florist</a>” campaigns. Interestingly, some florists have responded by using <a href="http://blogs.coventry.ac.uk/researchblog/sustainability-moves-up-the-agenda-for-british-florists-local-responses-to-global-supply-chain-challenges/">sustainability as a selling point</a>.</p>
<p>Certifications can help you support farms that claim good practice, but could your purchase also <a href="https://www.women-ww.org/strategies-for-change-project">promote development</a> – a familiar argument for global trade? Of course it depends how it is done. For example, the Ethiopian government attracted lots of foreign investment in flower farming. However, incentives included controversial land use agreements that led to civil unrest in 2016, with several foreign-owned flower farms badly damaged or <a href="https://in.reuters.com/article/ethiopia-violence/foreign-owned-flower-farms-attacked-in-ethiopia-unrest-growers-idINKCN11824U">burnt to the ground</a>.</p>
<h2>4. What are your own priorities?</h2>
<p>There is always a trade-off. Flowers grown in greenhouses in Holland use enormous amounts of energy, but travel less. Lake Naivasha roses enjoy natural heat and light, but are flown many miles and can be chemically treated to survive. So your priorities need to guide your purchase: <a href="https://bioone.org/journals/mountain-research-and-development/volume-38/issue-2/MRD-JOURNAL-D-16-00135/The-Impact-of-Commercial-Horticulture-on-River-Water-Resources-in/10.1659/MRD-JOURNAL-D-16-00135.full">environmental</a> issues include carbon footprint, chemical use, ecological degradation and water use; <a href="https://www.hivos.org/blog/flower-farm-workers-are-yet-to-benefit-from-the-sector-despite-increased-revenues/">social</a> issues include health and safety standards, gender discrimination, precarious employment and land rights. </p>
<p>Accordingly you might choose <a href="https://www.flowersfromthefarm.co.uk/">locally-grown seasonal</a> or <a href="https://www.organicblooms.co.uk/">organic </a> flowers, or seek growers who support <a href="https://www.befair.be/en/content/say-it-flowers-ethics-and-sustainability-flower-value-chain-0">community development</a> or <a href="https://theconversation.com/concerted-campaign-helps-women-in-kenyas-flower-industry-get-a-better-deal-90254">rights for women workers</a>.</p>
<h2>5. What will you do with your flowers?</h2>
<p>Eco-florists such as <a href="https://www.wildandwondrousflowers.co.uk/">Wild and Wondrous</a> are raising awareness of alternative practices. Take in your own vase to avoid cellophane packaging or ask for reusable and recycled options like <a href="https://www.stemgemvases.co.uk/">StemGem</a>. When presenting your blooms, take inspiration from the <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/florists-are-ditching-plastic-floral-foam-for-eco-alternatives-hvhwhkwcf">#nofloralfoam</a> campaign. Treat your flowers well by refreshing water and trimming, keep them out of heat and sunlight, then recycle as green waste to make their journey worthwhile.</p>
<p>St Valentine’s is a day to express our love, so demonstrate yours for people and planet. The supply chains are complex, but our simple advice is to ask questions.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/111557/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jill Timms receives funding from the British Academy/Leverhulme Trust. </span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>David Bek receives funding from WWF SA’s Table Mountain Fund.</span></em></p>Many roses are grown in energy-intensive greenhouses, shipped long distances or treated with chemicals. Here’s what to ask your florist or supermarket.Jill Timms, Senior Lecturer in Strategic Management, Coventry UniversityDavid Bek, Reader in Sustainable Economies, Coventry UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/890562018-02-13T11:27:31Z2018-02-13T11:27:31ZWhy we value diamond rings and other Valentine’s Day gifts<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205325/original/file-20180207-74470-1m1fjui.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">According to an American Express report, more than six million US couples are expected to get engaged on Valentine's Day.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/search/engagement%20ring/">Pexels</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>“Diamonds are a girls best friend”, so the saying goes. These shiny rocks are durable and pricey. And on Valentine’s Day, it’s likely someone’s new diamond engagement ring will pop up on your Facebook or Twitter feed. </p>
<p>Many couples rely on rings to communicate their deepest feelings to each other and the world. An engagement ring is worth more than its sticker price: it tells family, friends and strangers that you are planning a wedding, you are cherished, you are an adult. It is likely the most expensive and most important object many of us will ever own, but why do we invest sentimental feelings in inanimate objects? </p>
<p>Turning objects into cherished items is nothing new. People have been spinning tales about why <a href="http://www.utpjournals.press/doi/abs/10.3138/ecf.23.2.347">things matter</a> to them for centuries. Think of your favourite teddy bear, your baby blanket, the hand-me-down furniture and bric-a-brac around your home. These objects may be crafted from ordinary cotton, wood or clay, but our feelings about them turn them into valuable assets. We cost them well above their price in the marketplace. </p>
<h2>Not just a ring</h2>
<p>It’s a story I know all too well. Over ten years ago, as my now husband and I were starting to talk marriage, I asked my mother if she was ready to part with her grandmother’s engagement ring. The setting needed work, she said, and the “diamonds” were small (I believe she used the word “paste”).</p>
<p>It was clear she wasn’t ready. And after all, I had never even met my great grandmother. Margaret had endured an unhappy marriage: she left her husband in 1925 and divorced him in 1941 (the grounds were adultery). How could this ring possibly ensure anyone’s happiness? </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205324/original/file-20180207-74497-16u28i7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205324/original/file-20180207-74497-16u28i7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=316&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205324/original/file-20180207-74497-16u28i7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=316&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205324/original/file-20180207-74497-16u28i7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=316&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205324/original/file-20180207-74497-16u28i7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205324/original/file-20180207-74497-16u28i7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205324/original/file-20180207-74497-16u28i7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">‘She said yes!’</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/success?src=d_i1WIjtPtlR2b8QiDHukA-1-15">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Two years after my son was born, my mother bestowed this ring, of no great monetary value, upon me. We both teared up. Three weeks later, I lost the ring. I turned our house upside down searching for it. I cried. I lied to my mother about how much I was wearing it. </p>
<p>Six months later, my toddler ran into my bedroom, gleefully brandishing a small, shiny object he had discovered (or more likely squirrelled away). It was the ring. I screamed. I cried again. I rang my mother to confess. The ring had transformed from a keepsake passed from mothers to daughters for three generations into a new tale of lost and found. </p>
<h2>Stories about objects</h2>
<p>In the 18th-century, dozens of writers took to a new form of fiction that focused on ordinary things – coins, banknotes, shoes, carriages, dolls. These stories brought things to life, granting them their own voices. Today literary scholars call them “object-narratives” or “it-narratives”, so named after their inanimate protagonists. Think Toy Story, Georgian-style. </p>
<p>My own research into <a href="http://www.cambridge.org/us/academic/subjects/literature/english-literature-1700-1830/women-work-and-clothes-eighteenth-century-novel?format=PB#7ipO191ldzRTSTjh.97">18th-century clothes</a> has meant reading novels narrated by waistcoats, petticoats, shoes and slippers. Georgian object narratives overflow with scandalous gossip about the foibles of humans. </p>
<p>The brothel is a frequent stop in these tales of circulation and the truths (mostly of the bedroom variety) owners seek to conceal from the world. And at the time, these stories became so popular that book reviewers complained about them flooding the literary marketplace.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205326/original/file-20180207-74470-1nd1is.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205326/original/file-20180207-74470-1nd1is.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205326/original/file-20180207-74470-1nd1is.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205326/original/file-20180207-74470-1nd1is.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205326/original/file-20180207-74470-1nd1is.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=630&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205326/original/file-20180207-74470-1nd1is.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=630&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205326/original/file-20180207-74470-1nd1is.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=630&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Things we value.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-standing-beside-brown-wooden-shelf-715834/">Pexels</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>By the late 18th-century, the genre had grown up to focus on children and their possessions. Children could read about <a href="https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=The+Adventures+of+a+Pincushion&oq=The+Adventures+of+a+Pincushion&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i64.2014j0j9&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8">The Adventures of a Pincushion</a>, the <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/The_Life_and_Perambulations_of_a_Mouse.html?id=6YY6AQAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false">Life and Perambulation of a Mouse</a>, <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/The_Adventures_of_a_Whipping_top.html?id=SPt4mQEACAAJ&redir_esc=y">The Adventures of a Whipping-Top</a> and The Silver Thimble. English professor and author Lynn Festa has <a href="http://www.bucknell.edu/script/upress/book.asp?id=255">written brilliantly</a> about how these stories instructed Georgian children to care for their things: good owners made good British subjects. And in this way, it’s not hard to see how these stories paved the way for books like <a href="https://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q%3Dtbn:ANd9GcSZ7ylq6PDaokG7VNWpt6qbBSxnnyL9q8R1_fFIV3-yc5yE5gAe&imgrefurl=https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Velveteen_Rabbit_Or_How_Toys_Become.html?id%3DcRumDgAAQBAJ%26source%3Dkp_cover&h=700&w=543&tbnid=_fzxhK683qN9ZM:&tbnh=160&tbnw=124&usg=__2yGT0rjbbLH3hEm7BsDkJ4GqZWE%3D&vet=10ahUKEwiK17mTnaDZAhXJAMAKHYh5AjQQ_B0IkwIwHQ..i&docid=DLhr4nyP5RT_wM&itg=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiK17mTnaDZAhXJAMAKHYh5AjQQ_B0IkwIwHQ">The Velveteen Rabbit</a> and <a href="https://www.waterstones.com/series/paddington">Paddington Bear</a>. </p>
<h2>The story of things</h2>
<p>Last year, I led a school project that taught children how to recreate these tales. In the <a href="http://www.fairfaxhouse.co.uk/education/story-of-things/">Story of Things</a>, year four and five pupils devised their own versions of the histories of secret dresser drawers, tea caddies, dolls, shoes and yes, many chamber pots, inspired by the collection of Georgian furniture at <a href="http://www.fairfaxhouse.co.uk">Fairfax House</a> in York. </p>
<p>I thought I was teaching the children, but their brilliant stories convinced me of our <a href="http://www.fairfaxhouse.co.uk/education/story-of-things/teacher-resources/">continued longing</a> to connect with the objects around us and our imaginative capacities to turn inanimate things into vivid, talkative beings. </p>
<p>On Valentine’s Day, it’s all to easy to feel annoyed by couples advertising their deepest feelings with objects – or by the ever more elaborate stakes of social media ready proposals. But it’s important to remember, that we all hold at least one object close to our hearts – no matter how chic or shabby. And in this way, the stories we tell ourselves about the things we own remind us of the ways we love and are loved by others.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/89056/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Chloe Wigston Smith does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Why do we attach sentimental value to objects and other things?Chloe Wigston Smith, Lecturer in 18th-century Literature, University of YorkLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/915092018-02-13T09:05:49Z2018-02-13T09:05:49ZHow I discovered there are (at least) 14 different kinds of love by analysing the world’s languages<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/206192/original/file-20180213-44630-j6r8by.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">A grand monument to love.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/amira_a/36280294332/in/photolist-XgXZw5-aqhkkC-8P9gF9-kdA23U-7DMjTS-5LExPn-r62dgd-qNxqiu-qNw44A-5LExWt-5LJNKE-qNxqwL-r674u8-qNFibp-5LExqZ-r5X8bv-qNDuZv-qNDtk8-5LExUP-qNxq8j-r5Xa8M-aNS7bF-r62bsy-r674s4-r673gg-6fzZPW-q9iYpn-r62c5q-qNFjn2-aNS2Ut-r3NNSj-r674kF-r672CT-q9iYHD-qiL4X-qNw3HA-q9j942-q9j8DV-qNDCzk-r3NV47-qNw9n1-q9j42t-qNw7EU-r62dX3-q9iYKH">amira_a/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>No emotion, surely, is as cherished and sought after as <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-love-heres-the-science-59281">love</a>. Yet on occasions such as Valentine’s day, we can often be misled into thinking that it consists solely in the swooning, star-crossed romance of falling deeply “in love”. But on reflection, love is far more complex. Indeed, arguably no word covers a wider range of feelings and experiences than love. </p>
<p>So how can we ever define what love really is? In my new study, <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jtsb.12158/full">published in the Journal for the Theory of Social Analysis</a>, I’ve made a start by searching the world’s languages for words relating to love that don’t exist in English.</p>
<p>Most of us use the word love fairly liberally. I use it for the deep ardour, care and respect I have for my wife. But I will also call upon it to describe the unshakeable bonds of kinship and history I share with my family, and the connections and allegiances I have with close friends. I’ll even use it in relation to our cheeky dog Daisy, the music of Tom Waits, Sunday morning lie ins and many other things.</p>
<p>Clearly, whatever love is, it spans a great deal of emotional and experiential territory. Needless to say, I’m not the first to notice this. For instance, in the 1970s, the psychologist John Lee identified <a href="http://www.psychologycharts.com/six-love-styles.html">six different “styles”</a> of love. He did so by studying other languages, in particular the classical lexicons of Greek and Latin, which boast a wealth of precise words describing specific kinds of love.</p>
<p>Lee identified three primary forms of love. “Eros” denotes passion and desire, “ludus” refers to flirtatious, playful affection, and “storgē” describes familial or companionate bonds of care. He then paired these primary forms to produce three secondary forms: ludus plus storgē creates “pragma”, a rational, sensible long-term accommodation. However, eros combined with ludus generates “mania”, signifying possessive, dependent, or troubled intimacies, while eros and storgē form the charitable, selfless compassion of “agápē”.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205498/original/file-20180208-180836-1tbxvd0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205498/original/file-20180208-180836-1tbxvd0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205498/original/file-20180208-180836-1tbxvd0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205498/original/file-20180208-180836-1tbxvd0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205498/original/file-20180208-180836-1tbxvd0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205498/original/file-20180208-180836-1tbxvd0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205498/original/file-20180208-180836-1tbxvd0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Agápē?</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Samantha Jade Royds/Flickr</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>This analysis seems like a good start, but an incomplete one. After all, it mostly just concerns romantic partnerships, and doesn’t account for many of the feelings that fall within the ambit of love. </p>
<h2>Untranslatable words</h2>
<p>I decided to expand on this work as part of a <a href="http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20170126-the-untranslatable-emotions-you-never-knew-you-had">broader lexicographic project</a> to collect so-called “untranslatable” words that pertain to well-being, a work-in-progress which currently features nearly <a href="http://www.drtimlomas.com/lexicography">1,000 words</a>. Such words can reveal phenomena which have been overlooked or under-appreciated in one’s own culture, as I explore in two forthcoming books (<a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Dictionary-Words-Around-Richer/dp/0349417199/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518101163&sr=1-1&keywords=happiness+dictionary+tim+lomas">a general interest exploration of key words</a>, and an <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Translating-Happiness-Cross-Cultural-Lexicon-Well-Being/dp/0262037483/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518102092&sr=1-1&keywords=translating+happiness+tim+lomas">academic analysis of the lexicography</a>). In the case of love, then, untranslatable words help us understand the bountiful variety of emotions and bonds that are in English subsumed within the one word “love”. </p>
<p>My enquiry yielded hundreds of words from around 50 languages (which of course leaves many languages still to be explored). I analysed these thematically, grouping the words into 14 distinct “flavours” of love. Some languages were particularly prolific in their lexical dexterity, especially Greek, which contributed the most words by far.</p>
<p>As such, in a spirit of poetic consistency, I gave each flavour a relevant Greek label. I call these “flavours” to avoid implying that relationships can be exclusively pigeonholed as constituting just one form. A romantic partnership, say, might blend several flavours together, generating a unique “taste” which might subtly change over time. </p>
<h2>14 flavours</h2>
<p>So, what are these flavours? The first three do not concern people at all. They refer to people’s fondness and passion for certain activities (meraki), places (chōros) and objects (eros). Note that this usage of eros reflects its deployment in classical Greece, where it was often used in the context of aesthetic appreciation rather than romance. Indeed, like love itself, all these words can be used in varied and changing ways.</p>
<p>Each of these flavours is a “compound” of related terms from various languages. For instance, the connection to place denoted by chōros is reflected in concepts such as “turangawaewae”, “cynefin” and “querencia” – from Māori, Welsh and Spanish respectively – which all pertain in some way to the sentiment of having a “place to stand” on this Earth, somewhere secure that we can call home.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205499/original/file-20180208-180836-1gzdfb4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205499/original/file-20180208-180836-1gzdfb4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205499/original/file-20180208-180836-1gzdfb4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205499/original/file-20180208-180836-1gzdfb4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205499/original/file-20180208-180836-1gzdfb4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205499/original/file-20180208-180836-1gzdfb4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205499/original/file-20180208-180836-1gzdfb4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Love of friends…and phones.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/bamako-january-52014-two-black-boys-357111446?src=0LYFQdoBhUtgPNI6D1GbUQ-1-15">KODAKovic/Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>When it comes to love between people, the first three are the non-romantic forms of care, affection and loyalty we extend towards family (storgē), friends (philia), and ourselves (philautia). Then, embracing romance, Lee’s notions of pragma, mania, and ludus are joined by the passionate desire of “epithymia”, and the star-crossed destiny of “anánkē”. </p>
<p>Again, these labels all bring together related terms from diverse languages. For instance, the spirit of anánkē is found in terms like the Japanese “koi no yokan”, which roughly means “premonition of love”, capturing the feeling on first meeting someone that falling in love will be inevitable. And likewise the Chinese term “yuán fèn” can be interpreted as a binding force of irresistible destiny.</p>
<p>Finally, there are three forms of selfless, “transcendent” love, in which one’s own needs and concerns are relatively diminished. These are the compassion of agápē, ephemeral sparks of “participatory consciousness”, such as when we are emotionally swept up within a group dynamic (koinonia), and the kind of reverential devotion that religious believers might hold towards a deity (sebomai).</p>
<p>Clearly, there any many ways we can love and be loved. You and your life partner might well experience feelings of epithymia, pragma, or anánkē, but may also – or alternatively, instead – be blessed with moments of storgē, agápē and koinonia. Likewise, a deep friendship could similarly be suffused with some mixture of flavours such as pragma, storgē, agápē and anánkē, in which we feel a profound and fated bond of lifelong connection.</p>
<p>Moreover, this list is merely preliminary, with other flavours potentially yet to be acknowledged. So hopefully we can be reassured that even if we are not romantically head-over-heels “in love” – in that archetypal Hollywood fashion – our lives may still be graced by love in some precious and uplifting way.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/91509/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Tim Lomas has two books forthcoming in 2018 relating to his lexicographic project. An academic analysis of the lexicography, entitled Translating Happiness: A Cross-Cultural Lexicon of Well-Being, will be published on 4th May by The MIT Press (£24.95), and a general interest exploration of key words, entitled The Happiness Dictionary: Words from Around the World to Help Us Lead a Richer Life, will be published on 7th June by Piatkus (£13.99).</span></em></p>A loving relationship may be a unique mix of different ‘flavours’ of love.Tim Lomas, Lecturer in Positive Psychology, University of East LondonLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/888392018-02-12T11:40:33Z2018-02-12T11:40:33ZNo, opposites do not attract<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205749/original/file-20180209-51719-1j45je1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=62%2C0%2C1291%2C809&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">It's likeness that makes the heart grow fonder.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:African_print_couple_love.jpg">Zediajaab</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Everyone seems to agree that opposites attract. Young and old people, happy and distressed couples, single folks and married partners – all apparently buy the classic adage about love. <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Opposites_attack.html">Relationship experts</a> <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/I_Love_You_But_why_are_We_So_Different.html">have written</a> <a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/opposites-attract-renee-baron/1103372924">books</a> based on this assumption. It’s even been internalized by people who are on the hunt for a partner, with 86 percent of those looking for love saying they’re <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490800600406">seeking someone with opposite traits</a>.</p>
<p>The problem is that what’s true of magnets is not at all true of romance. As I explain in my book, “<a href="http://www.wiley.com/buy/978-1-118-52128-1">Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage</a>,” people tend to be attracted to those who are similar – not opposite – to themselves.</p>
<h2>I love how you’re just like me</h2>
<p>Whether people <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.3.592">really find opposites more attractive</a> has been the subject of many scientific studies. Researchers have investigated what combination makes for better romantic partners – those who are similar, different, or opposite? Scientists call these three possibilities the homogamy hypothesis, the heterogamy hypothesis and the complementarity hypothesis, respectively.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=795&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=795&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=795&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=999&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=999&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205750/original/file-20180209-51700-1yhgd2a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=999&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Happy together.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/onegoodtum/2644393703">Thom Wong</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
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</figure>
<p>The clear winner is homogamy. Since the 1950s, social scientists have conducted over 240 studies to determine whether similarity in terms of <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0045531">attitudes</a>, <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0146167291174010">personality traits</a>, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.53.6.1052">outside interests</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-1031(81)90009-3">values</a> and <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.1976.tb02485.x">other characteristics</a> leads to attraction. In 2013, psychologists Matthew Montoya and Robert Horton examined the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512452989">combined results of these studies</a> in what’s called a meta-analysis. They found an irrefutable association between being similar to and being interested in the other person.</p>
<p>In other words, there is clear and convincing evidence that birds of a feather flock together. For human beings, the attractiveness of similarity is so strong that it is found <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01217.x">across cultures</a>.</p>
<p>Because similarity is associated with attraction, it makes sense that individuals in committed relationships tend to be alike in many ways. Sometimes this is called <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0192513x12459020">assortative mating</a>, although this term is more often used to describe the ways in which people with similar levels of educational attainment, financial means and <a href="http://doi.org/10.2307/2786870">physical appearance</a> tend to pair up.</p>
<p>None of this necessarily means that opposites don’t attract. Both the homogamy hypothesis and the complementarity hypothesis could be true. So is there scientific support that opposites might attract at least some of the time?</p>
<h2>Filling in my weak spots with your strengths</h2>
<p>Love stories often include people finding partners who seem to have traits that they lack, like a good girl falling for a bad boy. In this way, they appear to complement one another. For example, one spouse might be outgoing and funny while the other is shy and serious. It’s easy to see how both partners could view the other as ideal – one partner’s strengths balancing out the other partner’s weaknesses. In fact, one could imagine the friends and relatives of a shy person trying to set them up with an outgoing person to draw the shy one out. The question is whether people actually seek out complementary partners or if that just happens in the movies.</p>
<p>As it turns out, it’s pure fiction. There is essentially no research evidence that differences in personality, interests, education, politics, upbringing, religion or other traits lead to greater attraction.</p>
<p>For example, in one study researchers found that college students preferred descriptions of mates whose written bios were <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.4.709">similar to themselves or their ideal self</a> over those described as complementing themselves. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167298243004">Other studies</a> have supported this finding. For example, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0031699">introverts are no more attracted to extraverts</a> than they are to anyone else.</p>
<h2>Why are we so sure opposites attract?</h2>
<p>Despite the overwhelming evidence, why does the myth of heterogamy endure? There are probably a few factors at work here.</p>
<p>First, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0096-1523.24.5.1315">contrasts tend to stand out</a>. Even if the partners in a couple match on tons of characteristics, they may end up arguing about the <a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/acceptance-and-change-in-couple-therapy-andrew-christensen/1103810614?ean=9780393702903">ways in which they are different</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205815/original/file-20180210-51706-l19s7a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">We’re totally different – she uses weights on our morning walks.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/happy-older-couple-matching-outfits-talking-496474147">CREATISTA/Shutterstock.com</a></span>
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</figure>
<p>Beyond that, there’s evidence that <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0044134">small differences</a> between spouses can become larger over time. In their self-help book “<a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Reconcilable-Differences/Christensen-Doss-Jacobson/9781462502431">Reconcilable Differences</a>,” psychologists Andrew Christensen, Brian Doss and Neil Jacobson describe how partners move into roles that are complementary over time.</p>
<p>For example, if one member of a couple is slightly more humorous than the other, the couple may settle into a pattern in which the slightly-more-funny spouse claims the role of “the funny one” while the slightly-less-funny spouse slots into the role of “the serious one.” Scientists have demonstrated that, yes, partners <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2001.tb00038.x">grow more complementary over time</a>; while they may begin as quite alike, they find ways to differentiate themselves by degree.</p>
<p>In the end, people’s attraction to differences is vastly outweighed by our attraction to similarities. People persist in thinking opposites attract – when in reality, relatively similar partners just become a bit more complementary as time goes by.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/88839/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Matthew D. Johnson does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article. He has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond his academic appointment and his authorship of a book mentioned in the article.</span></em></p>It’s a classic adage for those seeking love. The problem is that psychology research shows it’s just not true.Matthew D. Johnson, Professor of Psychology and Director of the Marriage and Family Studies Laboratory, Binghamton University, State University of New YorkLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/897332018-02-09T14:13:01Z2018-02-09T14:13:01Z15 questions to determine if your relationship is Hall of Fame material or a strikeout<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205703/original/file-20180209-51700-1v9wr7l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=535%2C147%2C4276%2C3135&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Relationship science can weigh in on whether you're with a winner.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/check-sheet-gifts-favorite-female-hand-785823808">Evgeniia Trushkova/Shutterstock.com</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Decisions are a part of life. At various times you may need to choose the best vacation spot, job candidate, babysitter, or place to live. Your most important decision may be figuring out your best romantic partner. Relationships matter – a lot. They have <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0022146510383501">implications for your health</a>, your <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-006X.71.1.176">reactions to stress</a> and even <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12201">how you look at the world</a>.</p>
<p>But how can you determine if your current romantic partner is the best of the best for you? It’s hard to know what factors truly matter, what you should not overvalue, or what is best to ignore entirely.</p>
<p>This kind of assessment comes up in a variety of contexts. Consider, for example, something that may seem entirely unrelated to relationships: determining whether a baseball player qualifies for the Hall of Fame. The task requires wading through dozens and dozens of highly qualified candidates, each with various outstanding characteristics, to determine who warrants permanent enshrinement. Still, no candidate is absolutely perfect – just like finding a quality relationship partner. </p>
<p>So as a relationship scientist, I’ve gathered inspiration from the Hall of Fame selection process and infused some science to draw up a checklist of intangibles you can use to think about your own relationship. </p>
<h2>Instinct adds nuance to hard numbers</h2>
<p>There are two general ways to make assessments: data and your gut feeling. In a sport like baseball, with a plethora of statistics, a data-based approach makes sense. But for a player to be truly Hall of Fame worthy, numbers may not tell the whole story. It should be visceral, a player should feel like a Hall of Famer. As Malcom Gladwell famously observed in his book “<a href="https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/malcolm-gladwell/blink/9780316005043/">Blink</a>,” snap judgments can have astounding accuracy. As a psychology professor myself, one example that always amazes me is that student assessments of a professor <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.64.3.431">based on a 30-second silent video clip</a> matches students’ evaluations based on the entire semester. </p>
<p>Relying on gut feelings isn’t perfect. But <a href="http://www.sydneysymposium.unsw.edu.au/2011/chapters/DijksterhuisSSSP2011.pdf">intuition is an important component of decisions</a>, especially social ones. Clearly, people rely on instincts in a variety of situations such as deciding which job to take, which daycare is best, and who you should date. Trusting your own feelings is sometimes necessary because expert information is hard to access – published research articles are often locked behind paywalls – or written in a way that defies comprehension. And of course, the very nature of science and statistics is to focus on what is most typical in a population, instead of what is best for any individual.</p>
<p>Experts also aren’t perfect and new research shows that people have a sense of <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/13546783.2017.1378721">when to value nonexpert opinions over experts</a>. In fact, some experts admit to using intuition themselves. A study revealed that marriage therapists acknowledge using their intuition and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-011-9161-7">consider it a valuable tool</a> in clinical settings.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=466&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=466&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=466&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=586&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=586&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205708/original/file-20180209-51710-72q8y3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=586&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The Hall of Fame is forever – you have to be sure before you celebrate.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/Hall-of-Fame-Baseball/8005577fa1574e4b8e73199ab63da417/1/0">AP Photo/Mike Groll</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Deserving of Hall of Fame enshrinement?</h2>
<p>Perhaps with the value of instinctive evaluation in mind, famous baseball statistician Bill James created the “<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keltner_list">Keltner List</a>.” Named for a seven-time All-Star with borderline qualifications, the list was devised as a way to help assess a player’s Baseball Hall of Fame viability. </p>
<p>Even though James is a statistician, the Keltner List is intentionally nonscientific. Rather, it’s a <a href="https://www.billjamesonline.com/article1238/">collection of 15 questions</a> that anyone can quickly answer to help guide an overall assessment of a player’s worthiness for the Hall of Fame. (Think: “Was he the best player on his team?”) The answers are not meant to provide a definitive conclusion, but rather to force a careful consideration of the most important information.</p>
<p>Back to relationships. A similar process can help you determine whether your current romantic partner belongs in your relationship Hall of Fame. Inspired by the Keltner List concept, I’ve put together a list of 15 questions to highlight what matters most. Like the Keltner List, my approach to relationship assessment is intentionally not scientific and has not been tested empirically (though that isn’t a bad idea for future research).</p>
<p>That said, as a relationship scientist, I couldn’t help but use science as a guide. In crafting each question, I consulted the existing research to ground it in the science of what contributes to a healthy relationship. Note that this list isn’t about helping you pick the best Tinder date, hookup or short-term fling. The questions focus on what matters for serious, long-term, committed, sustainable love. To benefit from this exercise, you need to be honest. If you’re lying to yourself, you won’t gain any insight. As computer programmers say, “garbage in, garbage out.”</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205704/original/file-20180209-51723-760tbk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Remove your romance blinders and prepare to be honest with yourself.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/picture-romantic-couple-having-fun-hearts-434746606">Kamil Macniak/Shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>A Keltner List for relationships</h2>
<p>Consider each question and answer truthfully with a simple yes or no response:</p>
<ol>
<li> Does your partner <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780195398694.013.0005">make you a better person</a>, and do you <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html">do the same for them</a>?</li>
<li> Are you and your partner both comfortable with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.52.3.511">sharing feelings, relying on each other, being close,</a> and able to avoid worrying about the other person leaving?</li>
<li> Do you and your partner <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/1040-3590.18.3.289">accept each other for who you are</a>, without <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00627.x">trying to change each other</a>? </li>
<li> When disagreements arise, do you and your partner <a href="https://doi.org/10.2307/353438">communicate respectfully and without contempt or negativity</a>?</li>
<li> Do you and your partner share <a href="http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/6/16/power-in-relationships-predictors-and-outcomes.html">decision-making, power and influence</a> in the relationship?</li>
<li> Is your partner <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-you-should-date-your-best-friend-72784">your best friend</a>, and are you theirs?</li>
<li> Do you and your partner think more in <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.4.596">terms of “we” and “us,”</a> rather than “you” and “I”?</li>
<li> Would <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.77.5.942">you and your partner</a> <a href="http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2013/10/30/what-matters-for-intrusive-behavior-trust-self-control-or-bo.html">trust each other</a> with the passwords to social media and bank accounts?</li>
<li> Do you and your partner have <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.1.79">good opinions of each other</a> – without having <a href="http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/11/15/and-for-my-next-trick-the-magical-effects-of-positive-illusi.html">an overinflated positive view</a>?</li>
<li><a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.81.6.1042">Do your close friends</a>, as well as your partner’s, think you have a great relationship that will stand the test of time?</li>
<li>Is your relationship <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.4135/9781412958479.n123">free of red flags</a> like cheating, jealousy and controlling behavior?</li>
<li>Do <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1992.00369.x">you and your partner</a> <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2017.11.024">share the same values</a> when it comes to politics, religion, the importance of marriage, the desire to have kids (or not) and how to parent?</li>
<li>Are you and your partner willing to <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.6.1373">sacrifice your own needs</a>, desires and goals for each other (without being a doormat)?</li>
<li>Do you and your partner both have <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/per.1948">agreeable and emotionally stable personalities</a>?</li>
<li>Are you and your partner <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2013.807336">sexually compatible</a>?</li>
</ol>
<p>At this point you may be tempted to tally your responses. Remember, this isn’t about generating a score, but rather engaging in a self-guided tour through what’s important in relationships. That said, the best answer for every question is a quick, certain and unqualified “yes.”</p>
<p>Looking at the list, you may take issue with a question or two and think, “that’s not important.” First, I’d say that the scientific evidence begs to differ. But that’s also why there are 15 questions. More questions provide greater accuracy. While any one question may not perfectly capture your relationship, 15 different perspectives gives a fairly complete picture.</p>
<p>Are there different questions you could ask? Sure. More questions? No doubt, but Bill James stuck to 15 questions for his Keltner List, so I did as well. </p>
<p>With relationships, like selections to a Hall of Fame, there aren’t easy answers and no guarantees for what the future holds. As much as you may like a definitive scoring system where a partner with at least a 12 out of 15 is a “keeper,” that isn’t possible. Relationships are complex. Any attempt at an easy answer is inevitably an oversimplification.</p>
<p>Instead, consider your responses to this list as additional data points that provide new insights. Don’t stop here. When you make important decisions – like who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with! – collect as much data as possible. Consult the experts, yourself and, as Question 10 suggests, your friends. By using both your head and your heart you can make the best decision about whether your romantic partner is Hall of Fame material.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/89733/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>If there were a Keltner List for relationships – as for induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame – what would be on it? A relationship scientist draws on psychology research to help you assess your love.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Professor of Psychology, Monmouth UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/913872018-02-08T18:12:47Z2018-02-08T18:12:47ZSustainable shopping: your guilt-free guide to flowers this Valentine’s Day<p>Valentine’s Day means saying it with flowers. Last year Australians imported more than <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/rural/2017-02-14/kenya-roses-exported-to-australia-for-valentines-day/8268700">5.22 million rose stems</a> between February 1 and 14, mostly from Kenya. Assuming typical bouquets of 24 roses, that’s 217,500 bouquets sold in two weeks.</p>
<p>The problem is that our pursuit of goodwill and affection towards humanity through the giving of cut flowers is hurting the number-one lady in all of our lives: Mother Nature. If those 217,500 bouquets were each wrapped in 75cm of plastic cellophane, that adds up to more than 163km of plastic wrapping used in a two-week period – just for roses, just in Australia. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/some-top-tips-for-valentines-day-from-medieval-lovers-54198">Some top tips for Valentine’s day ... from Medieval lovers</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>But facts about cellophane probably won’t win over your sweetheart. So with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, let’s consider making smarter, more sustainable flower purchases.</p>
<h2>Petal power</h2>
<p>In Australia alone, there are more than 900 flower farms intensively cultivating 4,470 hectares in order to supply almost 2,000 florists. However, the majority of cut flowers sold in Australia actually originate overseas, with imports from Ecuador alone valued at <a href="https://www.weeklytimesnow.com.au/agribusiness/decisionag/cut-to-the-vase/news-story/55e2a0baa421c1c4dae3e9559156550b">A$1.9 million in 2015</a>. If you’re asking yourself “why are delicate flowers shipped halfway around the world?” this is a great question.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205445/original/file-20180208-180826-w5hiex.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">For a sustainable take on the floral Valentine, try a banksia bouquet.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/ejorpin/16973929135/in/photolist-rRVPLB-6fBVXG-7A6Rhv-y2Ljcf-eemL4f-eeg37p-D19rp">Emily Orpin/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/">CC BY-NC</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Countries near the Equator, like Ecuador, benefit from good growing conditions, including 12 hours of daylight all year round. In these regions, the contribution of the flower industry to the economy of small or less developed countries is often significant. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/the-secret-of-the-worlds-smelliest-flower-44439">The secret of the world's smelliest flower</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>In eastern Africa, for example, flowers account for more than <a href="http://www.befair.be/en/content/say-it-flowers-ethics-and-sustainability-flower-value-chain-0">10% of total exports</a>, second only to tea. </p>
<p>Lower wages in countries like Ecuador and Kenya also contribute to the economics of flying cut flowers around the world. Unfortunately, this often comes at a cost for local growers and pickers, who experience <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/environmental-price-of-flowers/">poor working conditions</a>.</p>
<h2>The thorny carbon issue</h2>
<p>In the United States, the roughly 100 million roses grown, shipped and purchased on a typical Valentine’s Day produce some <a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/environmental-price-of-flowers/">9,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions</a>, from field to florist. </p>
<p>But, as with most things in our complex and busy world, the question of a flower’s carbon footprint isn’t as straightforward as it might seem. The Netherlands is one of the world’s <a href="http://www.academicjournals.org/article/article1380546520_Kargbo%20et%20al.pdf">biggest exporters of cut flowers</a>, where the majority are grown in heated or refrigerated green houses. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/should-you-be-my-valentine-research-helps-identify-good-and-bad-romantic-relationships-54137">Should you be my Valentine? Research helps identify good and bad romantic relationships</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Maintaining the controlled environmental conditions inside these buildings requires artificial light, heat and cooling, so each rose grown in The Netherlands contributes an average of around <a href="https://www.imarisha.le.ac.uk/ngo-publication/industry/316">2.91kg of CO₂ to the atmosphere</a>. In contrast, a single rose grown on a farm in Kenya contributes only 0.5kg.</p>
<p>This is largely because Kenyan hot houses do not use artificial heating or lighting, and most farm workers <a href="https://www.amystewart.com/books/flower-confidential/">walk or cycle to work</a>. As a result, flowers grown in tropical regions are sometimes considered low-carbon (of course, this doesn’t always factor in international transport).</p>
<h2>Pesky pesticides</h2>
<p>As flowers are not an edible crop, they are typically exempt from regulations on pesticide use. As a result, the cut flower industry is one of the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1240850/">biggest consumers of pesticides</a> <a href="http://www.academicjournals.org/article/article1380546520_Kargbo%20et%20al.pdf">worldwide</a>.</p>
<p>In Kenya and other countries, chemicals such as <a href="https://www.choice.com.au/shopping/shopping-for-special-occasions/christmas-birthdays-and-gifts/articles/the-cut-flower-industry">methyl bromide</a> (and others that are banned in countries like the US) are regularly imported in significant quantities by flower growers for pest control.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/loves-ruin-victorian-valentines-rival-our-modern-age-for-cynical-cruelty-72712">Love’s ruin? Victorian Valentines rival our modern age for cynical cruelty</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Worryingly, methyl bromide is an <a href="http://www.environment.gov.au/protection/ozone/methyl-bromide">ozone-depleting substance</a>. In some cases, run-off of these chemicals from growing fields adjacent to water bodies, such as Kenya’s <a href="http://www.dw.com/en/the-legacy-of-kenyas-toxic-lake/av-42420213">Lake Naivasha</a>, has resulted in the collapse of fish stocks that are crucial to local communities.</p>
<h2>So what can you do?</h2>
<p>We don’t want to be responsible for a downturn in expressions of love (or a corresponding uptick in conflict), and the good news is that there are plenty of eco-friendly ways to show your devotion. </p>
<p>The best option is to grow your own flowers to give as gifts. You can also give a living plant that can grow in your garden for years to come, reminding you of that special person and day. This is a rule in both of our households, and one our husbands are happy to accommodate – our gardens have never looked so good!</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/205446/original/file-20180208-180844-1nyczte.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Anthurium aren’t Australian natives but their pretty heart-shaped flowers make them a perfect living Valentine.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jcapaldi/9084553309/">Jim, the Photographer/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>If growing or giving living plants isn’t an option, go for locally grown organic flowers, as this means fewer “flower miles”. Native species or hardy breeds like lilies and birds of paradise require fewer resources and survive for longer in transport, meaning there’s less wastage.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/stop-the-miners-you-can-help-australias-birds-by-planting-native-gardens-49998">Stop the miners: you can help Australia's birds by planting native gardens</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>If you decide to buy imported flowers, look for <a href="http://flower-grower.com/blog/floriculture-green-labels/">Green Labels</a> like <a href="https://australianflowerindustry.com.au/industry/production/">FairTrade</a> and <a href="https://www.my-mps.com/en/">MPS Florimark</a> indicating that suppliers are members of regulatory schemes.</p>
<p>It’s also worth asking (or insisting) that your local florist switch from plastic cellophane wrapping to butcher’s paper (or similar).</p>
<p>To get you on your way, here are some sustainable flower growers in different corners of the globe:</p>
<p><strong>Australia:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><p><a href="http://www.lindseymyra.com/flower-farm/">The Little Flower Farm</a> (Melbourne) </p></li>
<li><p>Organically certified flowers from Byron Bay, so pure they’re actually sold as an <a href="http://byronbayorganicproduce.com.au/">edible product</a> </p></li>
<li><p>Give a (living) gift that keeps on giving for months or years to come, from companies such as <a href="https://growinggifts.com.au/">Growing Gifts</a> </p></li>
</ul>
<p><strong>Europe & the Americas:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><p><a href="http://www.florverde.org/">Florverde Sustainable Flowers</a> (based in Colombia) provide social programs for their workers and implement a range of environmental standards, including rainwater collection and air pollution filters. Florverde are a major exporter to Europe, so look for their label in this region </p></li>
<li><p>For 15 years, <a href="https://www.organicbouquet.com/">Organic Bouquet</a> (based in Florida) has helped to convert more than 8,000ha of land to organic and sustainable horticulture</p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://ecostems.ca/green-cred">Eco-stems Flower Shop</a> (based in Toronto) doesn’t just pride themselves in sustainable flower supply, but takes things a whole lot further. All furniture and fixtures are reclaimed/recycled in store, they only use 100% energy efficient lighting, waste water is collected and re-used, delivery vehicles are hybrid, etc. These guys are definitely going the extra mile! </p></li>
</ul>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/valentines-day-roundup-what-research-teaches-us-about-romance-54674">Valentine's day roundup: what research teaches us about romance</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/91387/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Australians import millions of flowers for Valentine’s Day. Let’s consider some ways to be eco-friendly.Jennifer Lavers (Métis Nation ᓲᐊᐧᐦᑫᔨᐤ), Research Scientist, Institute for Marine and Antarctic Studies, University of TasmaniaFiona Kerslake, Research Fellow in viticulture and fermentation, University of TasmaniaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/729082017-02-14T13:34:23Z2017-02-14T13:34:23ZOf love letters and other gestures of romantic love<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156777/original/image-20170214-25972-1lipoe.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Sexuality presents us with personal and private concerns that are also very political.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>I remember the first time that I wrote a love letter. I was nine years old and it said something along these lines:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Dear Parham,</p>
<p>I like you very much because you are clever.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Sadly, our affections were not mutually shared. Parham reported me to his father, who worked at the same company as mine. Instead of a reply, I got a sit-down with my dad who explained that I should probably spend my time paying closer attention to my schoolwork.</p>
<p>Despite this disappointment, I continue to carry an attachment to the love letter. </p>
<p>The form of the love letter is a useful way for us to think about <a href="http://www.jstor.org/stable/220256?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">romantic love</a> in <a href="https://books.google.co.za/books?id=Qm4G9TD9VGEC&printsec=frontcover&dq=love+in+africa&hl=en&sa=X&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false">Africa</a>. Histories of <a href="https://books.google.co.za/books?id=7n2-fYwvtKIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=africa%27s+hidden+histories&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwipl_yR7IfSAhWnDMAKHd5_CVsQ6AEIGjAA#v=onepage&q=africa's%20hidden%20histories&f=false">letter writing</a> reveal the ways that dense debates about the individual and collective, or tradition and modernity, have been mediated through both the form and content of the letter.</p>
<h2>Romantic love critiqued</h2>
<p>With friends, it’s easy to laugh about the ridiculous pink and red consumables that flood shopping aisles as soon as the December holidays end. It’s not surprising that we come to experience and understand romantic love quite cynically as a <a href="http://tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02560046.2015.1039204">consumer rite</a>, or practice. </p>
<p>Sara Ahmed explores some of these ideas in her 2010 book, <a href="https://www.dukeupress.edu/the-promise-of-happiness">The Promise of Happiness</a>. She explains how the so-called “good life” that we are encouraged to aspire to is actually a package of conservative and exclusionary family forms and intimacies. These get packaged as happiness in a neoliberal “trick” that has us convinced that as individuals, through our choices and actions, we can do the work that it takes to be <a href="http://go.galegroup.com/ps/anonymous?id=GALE%7CA175632731&sid=googleScholar&v=2.1&it=r&linkaccess=fulltext&issn=09502378&p=AONE&sw=w&authCount=1&isAnonymousEntry=true">happy</a>. </p>
<p>Romantic love is also the site or scene for various relations of <a href="https://books.google.co.za/books?hl=en&lr=&id=MrsADxhON-wC&oi=fnd&pg=PR13&dq=romantic+love,+patriarchy&ots=foklb1dkws&sig=EukmVnXzLIFFs2JPmDTtH5-RGtE">power and violence</a>. </p>
<p>Sexuality generally presents us with personal and private concerns that are also very political. When Stella Nyanzi <a href="https://books.google.co.za/books?hl=en&lr=&id=xSqIrrswbG0C&oi=fnd&pg=PP1&dq=stella+nyanzi+african+sexualities&ots=RYKwUvoCXo&sig=CH1LeXlO9soYbV-ud0bzymDsibc#v=onepage&q=stella%20nyanzi%20african%20sexualities&f=false">writes</a> of the [govern]mentality of African sexualities, she highlights that African sexualities inherit the baggage or assumption of the need to be controlled, improved, modernised, civilised or tamed. Established ideas of “good” and “bad” sex inform our ideas about romantic love – and who we might imagine to experience “true love” at all.</p>
<p>The love letter expresses a challenge to some of these assumptions about romantic love in Africa. The letter, like other romantic literary genres, offers an intellectual and <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0263276407085156">affective</a> site that demands a more slippery reading.</p>
<h2>Of optimism and uprising</h2>
<p>Lynda Gichanda Spencer <a href="http://scholar.sun.ac.za/handle/10019.1/86251">writes</a> about chick lit in a way that’s instructive. For many observers, the genre is cheap sentiment, selling the same story over and over again. These stories are also charged with being escapist – so women (considered the primary consumers of the genre) are accused of silliness and a lack of focus on more important matters like patriarchy (or their schoolwork). Yet Spencer demonstrates the ways that women writers of chick lit in South Africa and Uganda specifically retain a realist form. </p>
<p>This realist tone is something we might call “sex without optimism,” in the sense that instead of “happily ever after”, the story often ends with disappointment. This offers an “uprising” potential. In a fairy tale, the action comes to a close once the couple mutually recognises each other. This formula has often, although not always, been followed in chick lit. In the African chick lit analysed by Spencer, the threat of infidelity or poverty or both structure the ways that the action is organised. The resolution will instead often involve groups of women supporting each other, or seeking solutions to personal and structural problems.</p>
<p>The term “<a href="https://www.dukeupress.edu/sex-or-the-unbearable">sex without optimism</a>”, I borrow from Lauren Berlant and Lee Edelman who use the phrase to open their discussion of sex as a negative relation that opens one up to not only rejection but also vulnerability. All relations with an other are shaped by encounters with power and powerlessness and in that sense, imply a form of risk. Berlant and Edelman draw their insights from this assumption, and suggest that sex presents with a range of unbearable contradictions. Even when love succeeds, these contradictions still remain. </p>
<p>I will offer an example.</p>
<p>In December of 2016, Kagure Mugo published a <a href="https://thisisafrica.me/lifestyle/anele-seipati-get-married-photo-essay/">photo essay</a> of the wedding of Anele Mkuzo and Seipati Magape which was widely shared in my circles on Facebook. I have spent a lot of time thinking about weddings for my <a href="http://wiredspace.wits.ac.za/handle/10539/15814">doctoral research</a> and forthcoming book. Observing so many versions of the same might make a person rather cynical. Yet, I still cry at weddings. When I saw Anele and Seipati’s pictures, again I was overwhelmed by the same feelings.</p>
<p>This is because marriage is a civil right not openly granted to same-sex couples in the world. Weddings of <a href="https://www.socialworkhelper.com/2013/07/25/alphabet-soup-the-story-of-lgbtqia/">LGBTQIA</a> people in South Africa help us to understand the expression of romantic love as an <a href="https://www.academia.edu/30095737/Postmillennial_Love">expression of freedom</a> – and not just as an act of buying into the “good life”. </p>
<p>Further, in a highly unequal society, the ability to marry at all is something that people achieve only by manoeuvring against many odds.</p>
<h2>In conclusion</h2>
<p>Our accounts of relations of structural violence are often incomplete when we carve out the affective or emotional dimensions. This is why I remain attached to the love letter and other forms of unbearable risk. In part, because they are a resistance to the problematic ways that we continue to encounter images of African sexualities. </p>
<p>Perhaps we can think of the love letter and other gestures of romantic love, as forms, or techniques that mediate the violence of time, dispossession and exclusion; as well as the scene, form and technique of survival, wishing, longing, becoming and failing all at once. </p>
<p>Here’s one: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Beloved,</p>
<p>You make me dream only</p>
<p>of nipples and</p>
<p>fingers and wet.</p>
</blockquote><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72908/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Danai Mupotsa does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Perhaps we can think of the love letter and other gestures of romantic love as forms or techniques that mediate the violence of time, dispossession and exclusion.Danai Mupotsa, Lecturer in African Literature, University of the WitwatersrandLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/727122017-02-14T08:27:49Z2017-02-14T08:27:49ZLove’s ruin? Victorian Valentines rival our modern age for cynical cruelty<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156691/original/image-20170213-25977-1klmsnr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=93%2C100%2C2191%2C1083&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://dams-brightonmuseums.org.uk/assetbank-pavilion/action/browseItems?categoryId=1873&categoryTypeId=1">Royal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & HoveRoyal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & Hove</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>We live in a time when <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-news-sites-online-comments-helped-build-our-hateful-electorate-70170">public and political discourse</a>, especially in popular channels like Twitter, seems ever more coarse and cruel. In such a context, it might seem hard to delight in the romantic fancies of Valentine’s Day; its sweet sentiments seem to belong to an earlier age of refined manners, decorum and chivalry. Strangely, though, its history reflects a cynical era easily the equal of our own and a commentariat just as aghast at events.</p>
<p>Precisely who St Valentine was has long been lost in the mists of time. Generally agreed to be one of the martyrs who died for his faith in the early Christian church, the saint had little to do with romantic love or with the traditions now practised on February 14. While anonymous Valentine gift-giving between lovers – as well as between friends and family – is known to have taken place since the 17th century, the Valentine’s card as we know it today had its origins in the 19th century.</p>
<p>New technologies of the mechanised age enabled the mass production of printed missives, while the development of the modern postal system enabled cards to circulate far and wide. Commercial Valentine’s Day cards began life in the 1830s as a single sheet of paper, featuring a sentimental image and a short tender verse, designed to be folded into an envelope shape. </p>
<p>Innovations in manufacturing and the growth of celebrations in both Britain and America led to what was termed “Valentine Mania”. <a href="http://www.vam.ac.uk/blog/factory-presents/victorian-valentines">Increasingly ornate Valentine’s cards</a> featured lace paper, decorative gilding, perfume, cushioning and a range of novelties from pressed flowers to pop-ups. These elaborate cards, which could be expensive, were designed – as now – to foster love and to consolidate courtships. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=390&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=390&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=390&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156588/original/image-20170213-23391-1z1344l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=490&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Angling for love.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://dams-brightonmuseums.org.uk/assetbank-pavilion/action/viewAsset?id=19126&index=12&total=44&categoryId=1873&categoryTypeId=1&collection=St%20Valentine&#039;s%20Day&sortAttributeId=0&sortDescending=false">Royal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & HoveRoyal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & Hove</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Insult to injury</h2>
<p>At the same time, however, a class of cards <a href="http://eprints.brighton.ac.uk/id/eprint/13357">of a very different type</a> gained popularity. Lacking the decorative refinement of the sentimental cards, these cheap and churlish Valentines were designed to <a href="https://theconversation.com/vinegar-valentines-show-trolling-is-nothing-new-37381">insult rather than praise</a>, and to chide rather than cherish. </p>
<p>The image they carried was designed to caricature the shortcomings of the recipient, whether in appearance, manners or morals, and the cruel verse hammered home the horrible message. The practice seems strange to us, but they were enormously popular; more popular even than their beautiful, more flattering counterparts. Little remembered now, the millions of vicious Valentines in circulation seemed, to many, to encapsulate the spirit of the modern age.</p>
<p>Commentary in the British popular press frequently despaired of vulgar Valentine’s celebrations. Articles with titles such as “The Decay of the Valentine”, <a href="http://eprints.brighton.ac.uk/id/eprint/13357">“The Valentine has fallen upon evil days”</a> and “Lost St Valentine”, charted the changing nature of the romantic feast. As the Bristol Mercury put it:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>The sober, intellectual, satirical 19th century [might be] the days of advance …[but] in our onward march of civilisation we have trampled the maypole under our feet, dethroned the pretty queen, and turned cupid out of doors.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>The Newcastle Weekly Courant argued, in 1891:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>In “these last degenerate days”, Valentines have become ingenious machines, constructed with direct purpose of causing either a special glow of gratification or a gratuitous mortification and annoyance.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Modern life, it seemed, had got the Valentines it deserved. The Dundee Courier of 1898 suggested:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>We have grown too matter of fact nowadays for Valentines. Sentiment has been laid aside with sewed samplers and our croquet sets, and the modern girl, with her bicycle, and her golf sticks, and her independence, has herself rung the death knell of poor St Valentine.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>You can find these articles and more <a href="http://www.bl.uk/reshelp/findhelprestype/news/newspdigproj/database/">behind a paywall at the British Libary</a> website.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=329&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=329&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=329&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=413&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=413&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156695/original/image-20170213-25972-esntqq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=413&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Zing! Victorians telling it like it is.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://dams-brightonmuseums.org.uk/assetbank-pavilion/action/browseItems?categoryId=1873&categoryTypeId=1">Royal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & HoveRoyal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & Hove</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Post-truth, post-love</h2>
<p>What caused these bitter assertions? Largely, it was due to what the Daily Telegraph described as the “odious, insulting, gross, impertinent, vilifying, libellous, and mendacious concoctions” that circulated annually through the postal service. Many vile and foul items were handled by hardworking postmasters, from excrement to explosives. </p>
<p>A list published in The Graphic in 1880 included dead mice, rats, pigs’ trotters, and red herrings “sometimes dressed as babies and decorated with ribbons”. In this context, “mock” Valentines – as they were known – found their natural home as ready-made poison-pen letters. An earlier piece from the Newcastle Weekly Courant, 1857, had complained:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Stationers’ shop windows are full, not of pretty love-tokens, but of vile, ugly, misshapen caricatures of men and women, designed for the special benefit of those who by some chance render themselves unpopular in the humbler circles of life … The world is changing and hardening. Valentines are only bandied to-and-fro in these latter years by the knight and the dames of the till and of the counter. There are no Queens of the May – we observe with similar regret – to be found anywhere except among chimney-sweeps.</p>
</blockquote>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156603/original/image-20170213-15780-f1n5ul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156603/original/image-20170213-15780-f1n5ul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=994&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156603/original/image-20170213-15780-f1n5ul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=994&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156603/original/image-20170213-15780-f1n5ul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=994&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156603/original/image-20170213-15780-f1n5ul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1249&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156603/original/image-20170213-15780-f1n5ul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1249&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156603/original/image-20170213-15780-f1n5ul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1249&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A public (house) rebuke.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://dams-brightonmuseums.org.uk/assetbank-pavilion/action/viewDownloadImage?id=19142&assetUse.usageTypeId=0&advanced=true&parentId=0&repurpose=false&repurposeAsset=false&returnUrl=viewBrowserItem%3Findex%3D38%26categoryId%3D1873%26categoryTypeId%3D1%26sortAttributeId%3D0%26sortDescending%3Dfalse%26filterId%3D0">Royal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & HoveRoyal Pavilion & Museums, Brighton & Hove</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Although these complaints lay the blame at the door of the poor and coarse of manner, insulting Valentine’s cards were widely sent and received. Class and gender presented no barrier. There were cards designed to be sent to respectable occupations as well as those in lowly stations; women and men were equally mocked. The pretentious and the plain, the fat and the flirty were all victims of vinegar Valentine’s venomous darts. </p>
<p>World-weary 21st century citizens might consider our age to be supremely cynical, but in the case of cruel Valentine’s traditions, at least some things have improved.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72712/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Annebella Pollen received funding from the Royal Pavilion and Museums, Brighton and Hove, as part of a paid Researcher / Interpreter role, to research love and romance in their museum collections.</span></em></p>We object to the vitriol in public discourse today, but 19th century commentators were equally up-in-arms over the abuse of a romantic institution.Annebella Pollen, Principal Lecturer in the History of Art and Design, University of BrightonLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/726642017-02-13T19:08:24Z2017-02-13T19:08:24ZThere are six styles of love. Which one best describes you?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156529/original/image-20170213-23331-vsydk4.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">There's not just one way to feel or express love.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Love is a complex and powerful force, one that plays out in a number of emotional, cognitive and social ways. </p>
<p>When we love a person, we feel emotional arousal in their presence. We will also have a set of thoughts (or cognitions) about that person, and our previous experiences can shape our ideas about what we expect in our relationships. For example, if you believe in love at first sight, then you are <a href="http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00998862">more likely to experience it</a>. </p>
<p>But we use love in many different contexts. You might say that you love your partner, or your family, or your best friend, your job or even your car. Clearly, you’re using the term in different ways that highlight the various dimensions of love.</p>
<p>The ancient Greeks described <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love">several different types of love</a>. Following the Greeks, the sociologist and activist John Alan Lee suggested that there are <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Colours_of_love.html?id=5g4RAQAAIAAJ">six broad styles of love</a>.</p>
<p>It is good to keep in mind that although these love styles can be thought of as “types”, we are not necessarily <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/014616727700300204">locked into only one</a>. We might have a predominant love style, but we will also have some elements of the other styles. </p>
<p>Similarly, our love style might change over time based on our experiences and interactions with our partners.</p>
<h3>Eros</h3>
<p>This style is typically experienced as a romantic, fairytale-type love. Physical beauty is important to this love style. Attraction is intense and immediate (“head over heels”), and the Eros lover feels an <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0265407510389126">urgent drive</a> to deepen the relationship emotionally and physically. </p>
<p>Because these individuals love the feeling of being in love, they tend to be serial monogamists, staying in a relationship as long as it feels fresh and compelling, then moving on so they can experience those same feelings again with someone new.</p>
<h3>Storge</h3>
<p>Storgic types tend to be stable and committed in their relationships. They <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370601036515">value</a> companionship, psychological closeness and trust. For these individuals, love relationships can sometimes grow out of friendships, so that love sneaks up on the pair. This love style is enduring, and these individuals are in it for the long haul.</p>
<h3>Ludus</h3>
<p>People with a ludic style view love as a game that they are playing to win. Often this can be a multiplayer game! Ludic individuals are comfortable with deception and manipulation in their relationships. They tend to be low on commitment and are often emotionally distant. </p>
<p>Because ludic individuals are more focused on the short term, they tend to place greater importance on the physical characteristics of their mate than do the other love styles. They are also <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224490009552023">more likely</a> to engage in sexual hookups.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=505&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=505&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156530/original/image-20170213-23316-18dzd1a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=505&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Love is eternal, or at least as long as the tree lasts.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Scott Meis/Flickr</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h3>Pragma</h3>
<p>Practicality rules for this type. Logic is used to determine compatibility and future prospects. This doesn’t mean that these individuals use an emotionless, Spock-like approach to their relationships, rather they a place a <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370601036515">high importance on whether a potential mate</a> will be suited to meeting their needs. </p>
<p>These needs might be social or financial. Pragmatists might wonder if their prospective partner would be accepted by family and friends, or whether they’re good with money. The might also evaluate their emotional assets; for example, does a would-be partner have the skills to be calm in times of stress?</p>
<h3>Mania</h3>
<p>This refers to an obsessive love style. These individuals tend to be emotionally dependent and to need fairly constant reassurance in a relationship. Someone with this love style is likely to experience peaks of joy and troughs of sorrow, depending on the extent to which their partner can accommodate their needs. </p>
<p>Because of the possessiveness associated with this style, <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032714007277">jealousy can be an issue</a> for these individuals.</p>
<h3>Agape</h3>
<p>Agapic individuals are giving and caring, and are centred on their partner’s needs. This is largely a selfless and unconditional love. An agapic partner will love you just as you are. But they will also be particularly appreciative of acts of care and kindness <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370601036515">that they receive back</a> from their partner. </p>
<p>Perhaps because these individuals are so accepting, they tend to have <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pere.12112/pdf">very high levels</a> of relationship satisfaction.</p>
<h2>The truth about love</h2>
<p>The kind of love that we feel towards our significant other is <a href="http://www.elainehatfield.com/uploads/3/2/2/5/3225640/34._hatfield_1985.pdf">likely to change over time</a>. At the start of a relationship we feel anticipation about seeing our partner and we are excited every time we see them. </p>
<p>These are the heady feelings we associate with being in love, and are very characteristic of romantic love. But in almost all relationships, these intense emotions are not sustainable, and will fade over months to a couple of years. </p>
<p>Those passionate feelings will then be replaced by deeper connection as the people in the partnership grow to truly know each other. This stage is “companionate love” and can last a lifetime (or beyond).</p>
<p>Unfortunately, many people do not realise that the evolution from romantic love to companionate love is a normal – and indeed healthy – transition. Because the ardent feelings of adoration subside, sometimes people will think that they have fallen out of love, when in fact the intimacy and closeness of companionate love can be extremely powerful, if only given the chance. </p>
<p>This is a shame, as these individuals might never experience the <a href="http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/sbp/sbp/2004/00000032/00000002/art00007">life satisfaction that is associated with companionate love</a>.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72664/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Rachel Grieve does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Valentine’s Day is branded as being a celebration of romantic love. But there are many styles of love, from passionate Eros to caring Agape and many in between.Rachel Grieve, Senior Lecturer in Psychology, University of TasmaniaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/726962017-02-13T16:09:41Z2017-02-13T16:09:41ZHow to turn your emotional baggage into dating success<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156193/original/image-20170209-8649-1fp066n.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">You can learn from the past.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>It may seem that new relationships are entirely fuelled by dreams and hopes for a perfect future. But the past can have a powerful influence too – often more so than we would like to admit. The <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attraction-Explained-Viren-Swami/dp/1138937037/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1486381044&sr=1-1&keywords=attraction+explained">“emotional baggage”</a> that we bring from the past can mean that we sometimes pick a partner who’s not quite right, make bad relationship decisions or find it difficult to fully devote ourselves to the person we are with. </p>
<p>This idea has its roots in John Bowlby’s <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attachment-One-Loss-Trilogy-Vol/dp/0712674713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486381145&sr=8-1&keywords=attachment+and+loss">attachment theory</a>, which suggests that individuals differ in the way they approach and respond to the world. These different styles are thought to be based on past experiences of relating to important people in our lives, <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Patterns-Attachment-Psychology-Routledge-Editions/dp/1848726821/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486381220&sr=8-1&keywords=patterns+of+attachment">particularly our parents</a>. The effects of childhood attachment become embedded in “working models” that influence how we form relationships in adulthood. </p>
<p>Working models are the mental representations that we hold about ourselves and other people, and that develop through experiences with people we are attached to. A working model might include expectations about our self-worth, beliefs about how other people behave in relationships and ideas about what to expect from relationships.</p>
<p>But it’s not just childhood relationships that shape us – adult relationship histories <a href="psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/52/3/511/">can also influence relationships</a>. The psychologist Susan Andersen termed this process in which working models developed from past romantic relationships come to influence new relationships as “<a href="onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6494.1994.tb00306.x/full">transference</a>”. </p>
<p>In her view, past experiences in romantic relationships can affect how we approach and relate to new partners, as well as our behaviours and motivations in new relationships. As a simple example, someone who had an unfaithful partner in the past <a href="psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/59/5/971/">may develop a working model</a> in which other people cannot be trusted. This may mean that he or she finds it more difficult to form stable, trusting relationships in the future. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156196/original/image-20170209-8646-148o6vf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156196/original/image-20170209-8646-148o6vf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156196/original/image-20170209-8646-148o6vf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156196/original/image-20170209-8646-148o6vf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156196/original/image-20170209-8646-148o6vf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156196/original/image-20170209-8646-148o6vf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156196/original/image-20170209-8646-148o6vf.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Some problems are of our own making.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Roman Kosolapov/Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Working models of relationships may also explain why some people <a href="psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2005-00319-012">recreate aspects of past relationships</a> with new partners. For example, if I did not receive much affection from an ex, I might still form new relationships that recreate those same patterns. Andersen believed we do this because we seek what was missing in past relationships – instead of running from someone who reminds me of an unaffectionate ex, I form a relationship with a new person hoping to gain what was <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298860701800092">what was missing</a>. But this only serves to confirm my existing working model of myself as unlovable and of potential partners as unaffectionate.</p>
<p>Luckily, it’s not all bad news. There are ways to prevent this from happening.</p>
<h2>How you can take charge</h2>
<p>Sometimes, past negative experiences can sow the seeds for healthier future relationships. For example, the period following a breakup is important because it may lead to personal growth and development. This is known as “<a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=Bs6QAgAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PP1&dq=tedeschi+1998&ots=CDcCyRi2Dt&sig=3jig_iSBX_nGsPnMRSqqY85TJrc">stress-related growth</a>” and refers to the idea that people can respond to distressing life events by growing beyond their previous level of psychological functioning. </p>
<p>In fact, some people may make the greatest changes in their lives following a period of stress or crisis after a breakup. This could change how reliant they are on themselves and other people, make them form closer bonds with family and friends, or even change life priorities. One study found that the experience of a recent breakup <a href="onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1475-6811.00039/full">resulted in personal growth</a>, which the participants believed would help them form more positive relationships in the future. </p>
<p>But you do not need to experience a breakup to begin forming healthier relationships. While there are no quick fixes, <a href="psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2005-00319-012">developing a clearer picture of your working models</a> and how these might be affecting your relationships is a good starting point. Take some time to think critically about your past relationships – put it down on paper if it’s useful or seek the help of a trained professional – and try to develop greater awareness of your transference patterns and when they occur. </p>
<p>Once you have an idea of your transference patterns, the next step is to <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/pst/49/3/370/">identify cues</a> observed in a new person or context that evoke those patterns. What traits, behaviours or experiences with an ex (or exes) act as triggering cues in new relationships? Recognising these <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/pst/49/3/370/">triggering cues</a> is vital if you are to ultimately gain control and intentionally change your behaviours. With time and practice, you should become more aware of these cues the moment they occur and this provides an opportunity to respond differently. </p>
<p>One piece of advice I have found useful is to use an <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/amp/54/7/493/">IF-THEN</a> plan. Once you are aware of your transference patterns and recognise triggering cues, make a plan that highlights these signals (the IF) and link it to a new way of behaving (the THEN). For example, “IF a new person is as unaffectionate as an ex was, THEN I will avoid this person”. By thinking and planning ahead of time, we can begin to master our behaviours in relationships. </p>
<p>Beyond this, viewing yourself as worthy, accepted and decent is vital for forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Some therapists highlight the positive impact that <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548">self-compassion</a> – being kind, caring and understanding toward yourself – can play in promoting healthier relationships. People who are self-compassionate accept that they are imperfect human beings who experience hardship and difficulties, but are nevertheless worthy of compassion. New relationships can be <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attraction-Explained-Viren-Swami/dp/1138937037/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1486381044&sr=1-1&keywords=attraction+explained">stressful</a>, so be kind to yourself even when you do make errors of judgement.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72696/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Viren Swami does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>It is possible to stop recreating destructive patterns.Viren Swami, Professor of Social Psychology, Anglia Ruskin UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/727152017-02-13T14:26:23Z2017-02-13T14:26:23ZWhat Plato can teach you about finding a soulmate<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156392/original/image-20170210-23350-1mxd5rs.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">shutterstock</span> </figcaption></figure><p>In the beginning, humans were androgynous. So says Aristophanes in his fantastical account of the origins of love in Plato’s <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false">Symposium.</a></p>
<p>Not only did early humans have both sets of sexual organs, Aristophanes reports, but they were outfitted with two faces, four hands, and four legs. These monstrosities were very fast – moving by way of cartwheels – and they were also quite powerful. So powerful, in fact, that the gods were nervous for their dominion.</p>
<p>Wanting to weaken the humans, Zeus, Greek king of Gods, decided to cut each in two, and commanded his son Apollo “to turn its face…towards the wound so that each person would see that he’d been cut and keep better order.” If, however, the humans continued to pose a threat, Zeus <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q=hopping&f=false">promised</a> to cut them again – “and they’ll have to make their way on one leg, hopping!”</p>
<p>The severed humans were a miserable lot, Aristophanes <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&printsec=frontcover#v=snippet&q=longed&f=false">says</a>. </p>
<blockquote>
<p>“[Each] one longed for its other half, and so they would throw their arms about each other, weaving themselves together, wanting to grow together.” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>Finally, Zeus, moved by pity, decided to turn their sexual organs to the front, so they might achieve some satisfaction in embracing.</p>
<p>Apparently, he initially neglected to do so, and, Aristophanes <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&printsec=frontcover#v=snippet&q=cicadas&f=false">explains</a>, the severed humans had “cast seed and made children, not in one another, but in the ground, like cicadas.” (a family of insects)</p>
<p>So goes Aristophanes’ contribution to the Symposium, where Plato’s characters take turns composing speeches about love – interspersed with heavy drinking.</p>
<p>It is no mistake that Plato gives Aristophanes the most outlandish of speeches. He was the famous comic playwright of Athens, responsible for bawdy fare like <a href="http://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Greek/Lysistrata.htm">Lysistrata</a>, where the women of Greece “go on strike” and refuse sex to their husbands until they stop warring.</p>
<p>What does Aristophanes’ speech have to do with love?</p>
<h2>Is love a cure for our “wound?”</h2>
<p>Aristophanes says his speech explains “the source of our desire to love each other.” He <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=VV2wFhaVDBsC&printsec=frontcover#v=snippet&q=tries%20to%20make%20one%20out%20of%20two%20and%20heal%20the%20wound%20of%20human%20nature&f=false">says</a>,</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“Love is born into every human being; it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature. Each of us, then, is a ‘matching half’ of a human whole…and each of us is always seeking the half that matches him.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>This diagnosis should sound familiar to our ears. It’s the notion of love engrained deep in the American consciousness, inspiring Hallmark writers and Hollywood producers alike – imparted with each Romantic Comedy on offer.</p>
<p>Love is the discovery of one’s soulmate, we like to say; it is to find your other half – the person who completes me, as <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-towering-narcissism-of-jerry-maguire">Jerry Maguire</a>, Tom Cruise’s smitten sports agent, so famously put it.</p>
<p>As a philosopher, I am always amazed how Plato’s account here, uttered by Aristophanes, uncannily evokes our very modern view of love. It is a profoundly moving, beautiful, and wistful account. </p>
<p>As Aristophanes depicts it, we may see love as the cure for our wound, or the “wound of human nature.” So, what is this wound? On one hand, of course, Aristophanes means something quite literal: the wound perpetrated by Zeus. But for philosophers, talk of a “wound of human nature” suggests so much more.</p>
<h2>Why do we seek love?</h2>
<p>Humans are inherently wounded, the Greek philosophers agreed. At the very least, they concluded, we are prone to fatal habits, seemingly engrained in our nature.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156396/original/image-20170210-23337-1qkxr89.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156396/original/image-20170210-23337-1qkxr89.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156396/original/image-20170210-23337-1qkxr89.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156396/original/image-20170210-23337-1qkxr89.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156396/original/image-20170210-23337-1qkxr89.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156396/original/image-20170210-23337-1qkxr89.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156396/original/image-20170210-23337-1qkxr89.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Greek Goddess of Love, Aphrodite.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/success?src=gMIiM5p57KbIUNYvKKiSgw-1-33">Aphrodite image via www.shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Humans insist on looking for satisfaction in things that cannot provide real or lasting fulfillment. These false lures include material goods, also power, and fame, Aristotle <a href="http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.1.i.html">explained</a>. A life devoted to any of these goals becomes quite miserable and empty.</p>
<p>Christian philosophers, led by Augustine, accepted this diagnosis, and <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/files/3296/3296-h/3296-h.htm">added</a> a theological twist. Pursuit of material goods is evidence of the Fall, and symptomatic of our sinful nature. Thus, we are like aliens here in this world – or as the Medievals would put it, pilgrims, on the way to a supernatural destination.</p>
<p>Humans seek to satisfy desire in worldly things, Augustine <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/files/3296/3296-h/3296-h.htm">says</a>, but are doomed, because we bear a kernel of the infinite within us. Thus, finite things cannot fulfill. We are made in the image of God, and our infinite desire can only be satisfied by the infinite nature of God.</p>
<p>In the 17th century, French philosopher Blaise Pascal <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/files/18269/18269-h/18269-h.htm">offered</a> an account of the wound of our nature more in tune with secular sensibilities. He claimed that the source of our sins and vices lay in our inability to sit still, be alone with ourselves, and ponder the unknowable.</p>
<p>We seek out troublesome diversions like war, inebriation or gambling to preoccupy the mind and block out distressing thoughts that seep in: perhaps we are alone in the universe – perhaps we are adrift on this tiny rock, in an infinite expanse of space and time, with no friendly forces looking down on us.</p>
<p>The wound of our nature is the existential condition, Pascal suggests: thanks to the utter uncertainty of our situation, which no science can answer or resolve, we perpetually teeter on the brink of anxiety – or despair.</p>
<h2>Is love an answer to life’s problems?</h2>
<p>Returning to Plato’s proposition, issued through Aristophanes: how many view romantic love as the answer to life’s problems? How many expect or hope that love will heal the “wound” of our nature and give meaning to life?</p>
<p>I suspect many do: our culture practically decrees it.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156397/original/image-20170210-23361-kk2eee.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156397/original/image-20170210-23361-kk2eee.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156397/original/image-20170210-23361-kk2eee.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156397/original/image-20170210-23361-kk2eee.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156397/original/image-20170210-23361-kk2eee.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156397/original/image-20170210-23361-kk2eee.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156397/original/image-20170210-23361-kk2eee.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Is romantic love an answer to life’s problems?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/johnnylcy/8522901355/in/photolist-dZ96D6-PAJsY-3f9uAJ-d1D8rL-aoJVAg-4mP5Zo-9mcakh-9fTvLD-64pY5E-nDSPHj-c6yJ1s-ddtcfy-3oYpMW-HjCjC-asuKVc-8M91YC-9HVwAr-N23oZ-64sSdo-a2QrC8-6mrQB7-bo96ni-9mca9Q-38Y23J-aqRUju-7xwhqp-76DFrq-dMAWYZ-9zLxe-n9uF9o-kY2SX-arGAJn-9vpW1g-6Z84yk-4kqXga-7Lukut-5L2kwM-fuzerY-8hWM3c-2Qwvso-emWdnu-hnnUvt-7LyBV9-8M91N5-8Ck3qM-7LyiPS-ajWo2i-imaoJP-qCTDuM-3f7Ws7">Johnny Lai</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Your soulmate, Hollywood says, may take a surprising, unexpected form – she may seem your opposite, but you are inexplicably attracted nonetheless. Alternately, your beloved may appear to be initially boorish or aloof. But you find him to be secretly sweet.</p>
<p>Hollywood films typically ends once the romantic heroes find their soulmates, offering no glimpse of life post-wedding bliss, when kids and work close in – the real test of love.</p>
<p>Aristophanes places demands and expectations on love that are quite extreme.</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“[When] a person meets the half that is his very own,” he exclaims, “something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another, and by desire, and they don’t want to be separated from one another, not even for a moment. These are people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>This sounds miraculous and alluring, but Plato doesn’t believe it. Which is why he couches it in Aristophanes’ satirical story. In short: it’s all quite mythical.</p>
<h2>Does true love exist?</h2>
<p>The notion of “soulmate,” implies that there is but one person in the universe who is your match, one person in creation who completes you – whom you will recognize in a flash of lightening. </p>
<p>What if in your search for true love, you cast about waiting or expecting to be star-struck – in vain? What if there isn’t a perfect partner that you’re waiting for? </p>
<p>Is this one reason why, as the Pew Research Center <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/">reports</a>, we see a record number of unmarried Americans?</p>
<p>Alternately, what if you dive into a relationship, marriage even, expecting the luster and satiation to endure, but it does not, and gives way to…ordinary life, where the ordinary questions and doubts and dissatisfactions of life reemerge and linger?</p>
<p>In his book <a href="http://thepenguinpress.com/book/modern-romance/">Modern Romance</a>, actor and comedian <a href="http://azizansari.com/">Aziz Ansari</a> tells of a wedding he attended that could have been staged by Aristophanes himself:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>“The vows…were powerful. They were saying the most remarkable things about each other. Things like ‘You are a prism that takes the light of life and turns it into a rainbow’…” </p>
</blockquote>
<p>The vows, Ansari explains, were so exultant, so lofty and transcendent, that “four different couples broke up, supposedly because they didn’t feel they had the love that was expressed in those vows.”</p>
<h2>Enduring love is more mundane</h2>
<p>Love is not the solution to life’s problems, as anyone who has been in love can attest. Romance is often the start of many headaches and heartaches. And why put such a burden on another person in the first place?</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156422/original/image-20170210-23347-dbeqzx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156422/original/image-20170210-23347-dbeqzx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156422/original/image-20170210-23347-dbeqzx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156422/original/image-20170210-23347-dbeqzx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156422/original/image-20170210-23347-dbeqzx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156422/original/image-20170210-23347-dbeqzx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156422/original/image-20170210-23347-dbeqzx.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">True love is more mundane.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/confirm/556423318?src=4HvJd4XDMU2SfB-va30bQg-2-54&size=huge_jpg">Couple image via www.shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>It seems unfair. Why look to your partner to heal an existential wound – to heal your soul? This is an immense responsibility no mere mortal can address. </p>
<p>I accept the backhanded critique Plato offers here through Aristophanes. Though I am hardly an expert on the matter, I have found his message quite accurate in this respect: true love is far more mundane.</p>
<p>I should specify: true love is mundane in its origins, if not in its conclusion. That is to say, true love is not discovered all of a sudden, at first sight, but rather, it’s the product of immense work, constant attention, and sacrifice.</p>
<p>Love is not the solution to life’s problems, but it certainly makes them more bearable, and the entire process more enjoyable. If soulmates exist, they are made and fashioned, after a lifetime partnership, a lifetime shared dealing with common duties, enduring pain, and of course, knowing joy.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72715/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Firmin DeBrabander does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Romantic love is seen as the answer to life’s problems, when it could often be the start of many headaches and heartaches. So, what is true love?Firmin DeBrabander, Professor of Philosophy, Maryland Institute College of ArtLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/728562017-02-13T14:18:42Z2017-02-13T14:18:42ZMoney can’t buy me love: what Valentine’s Day means for retailers<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156626/original/image-20170213-15767-paf67w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=145%2C185%2C3099%2C2061&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption"></span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/new-york-february-2-2017-pharmacy-570463795?src=4Wu5GnFSVpNg9Ul8BNb1ug-1-51">Roman Tiraspolsky/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Love is big business. In the UK alone last year, total retail spending on Valentine’s Day was <a href="http://www.verdictretail.com/spending-this-valentines-day-is-forecast-to-reach-980-million-15-million-more-than-in-2015/">estimated at £980m</a> on cards, gifts, flowers, food and drink. We’ve come a long way from Lupercalia, the <a href="https://www.britannica.com/topic/Lupercalia">fertility festival</a> of ancient Rome which appears to be the origin of this celebration. </p>
<p>We really have Pope Galasius to thank for the modern-day consumerist splurge. He is supposed to have declared the first St Valentine’s Day on February 14 496AD, matching the traditional time of the pagan Roman celebration. But it is a <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/christianity/saints/valentine.shtml">gruesome tale</a> that lies at its heart.</p>
<p>According to some stories, the day was in memory of Valentine of Rome, a young priest martyred after defying Emperor Claudius II in 270AD by conducting illegitimate wedding ceremonies in the capital. He was jailed and eventually beheaded, but not before falling in love with the jailer’s daughter. It is believed that on the evening of his execution the young priest passed her a note which read “from your Valentine”. Something to consider when you wrap your meagre box of chocolates.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=443&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=443&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=443&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=556&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=556&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156572/original/image-20170213-23375-6jsncn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=556&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Head over heels? St. Valentine relics in Rome.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/paullew/2262875989/in/photolist-k5uvDm-4rXQcg-fk6aXA-bVyfHc-8maS8c-nRAn2x-9i7m9v-nPDHT7-5cScpQ-5Z9vbR-5Z9uBx-5ZdFWo-nPKpym-5G1uZw-e2NtAG-5ZdH4s-5Z9vL6-nMLfGq-5G1vwE-nPDH1f-nRAmoi-nxjeiH-6JHgwk-61q8Vd-6JHerX-6fMKaa-kK95og-5GHsZz-fjR134-5xnWc2-6JMj2o-kK94ND-bDZ725-nPKmY1-6JMjRS-rbsF9v-nMLedd-rbsHBM-nPvKBT-qeAzaJ-qeABGN-nRAkEK-qU9G6k-6JHg5K-5G1vz7-5FWfM4-5FWfDV-5FWeUi-5FWf7D-5FWg8T">Fr Lawrence Lew, O.P./Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/">CC BY-NC</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Cynicism</h2>
<p>Something close to our own Valentine greetings were popular <a href="http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day">as far back as the Middle Ages</a>, though written Valentine’s didn’t begin to appear until after 1400. The oldest known Valentine still in existence today was a poem written in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt.</p>
<p>Money started being made in earnest during the 19th century, the industrial revolution ushered in factory-made Valentine cards and in Kansas City in 1913, Hallmark Cards <a href="http://corporate.hallmark.com/company/Founding-1910s">began mass production</a>.</p>
<p>You might think that this marked the end for St Valentine’s Day as a genuinely romantic event. The day is now transformed into just another opportunity for retailers to take our hard-earned cash with an annual guilt trip – more to do with obligation than to do with love. In fact, the giving of cards has blossomed into the defining tradition of Valentine’s Day, and a century later, an estimated one billion cards globally <a href="http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day">are sent every year</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156571/original/image-20170213-23391-i9g17b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Inflated importance?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/gazeronly/15880161994/in/photolist-qcgYUs-dUShQY-k86bus-9smWxf-bFLzt-axJ2sm-5ZgEkJ-7DHtw8-7DH8Fp-4rY39X-7D4nGA-7DMGxj-9hTPYb-7DHNfD-4vhAUy-4s8PG4-4rYj7t-Avbko-5XzpZj-7DHegH-4k8Cpi-7CYocA-6Jo3hk-asx8s5-4s6Hxx-dT8iTk-8QFUgf-9VX9cV-3hNde-9VX8qc-9M1eu-zZhMz-629duD-4sA8Uc-9VX8uk-2Mc2s-9VX8TM-9VX9tt-5ZRSDb-ATGdu-m34Rba-7CY5hp-9id9pK-616Emo-dVRUDE-btpXDE-7CPHkR-9VZXxd-bnoZsT-c92RNC">torbakhopper Follow/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/4.0/">CC BY-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In the midst of all, many consumers have developed a negative perception of the occasion. More than three-quarters of <a href="https://fashionunited.uk/news/fashion/valentine-s-day-retail-spend-to-hit-980-million-pounds-in-2016/2016020519303">UK consumers surveyed</a> in 2015 by retail research firm Verdict Retail thought Valentine’s Day had become too commercial. Over half felt that it was just a waste of money. </p>
<p>This confirms the findings of a 2013 <a href="http://www.reportsnreports.com/reports/236058-uk-retail-occasions-valentines-2013.html">UK Retail Occasions Report</a> when almost a third of consumers indicated they had spent less that Valentine’s than in previous years. A high proportion of consumers placed very little personal importance to the occasion.</p>
<p>In fact, in February 2016, just under half of UK consumers (47.2%) <a href="http://store.globaldata.com/market-reports/retail/valentines-day-2016">chose to do nothing</a> to celebrate Valentine’s Day.</p>
<h2>Lovelorn</h2>
<p>Despite such levels of apathy, Valentine’s Day 2016 saw a slight year-on-year rise in the number of consumers who marked the occasion in some way, although the percentage of those that spent less than the previous year was <a href="http://store.globaldata.com/market-reports/retail/valentines-day-2016">still high at 22.8%</a>. It is notable that enthusiasm was markedly higher among younger, 18 to 34-year-old consumers, with a purchase penetration of over 60% in gifts (compared with overall purchase penetration of 46.4%). The fresh-faced are not so jaded, perhaps, and might remain the best bet for retailers eager to keep this post-Christmas sales boost fuelled for the future.</p>
<p>Of course, the best advice to offer consumers is to recall the Beatles’ suggestion that Money Can’t Buy Me Love and seek to make your feelings clear without resorting to novelty mugs, extravagant bouquets or er … <a href="http://justpaperroses.com/toilet-paper/i-love-you-from-top-to-bottom-tp.html">Valentine’s toilet paper</a>.</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/uxha1IUsSPI?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
</figure>
<p>But if we look further afield, it’s not lovers but the lovelorn that actually fuel the world’s biggest online retail spending spree. “Singles Day”, which takes place in China on November 11 every year, started as an obscure “anti-Valentine’s” celebration in the 1990s, but in 2016 generated <a href="https://www.internetretailer.com/2016/11/11/e-commerce-sales-reach-178-billion-singles-day">staggering sales of US$17.8 billion</a>.</p>
<p>So perhaps UK retailers shouldn’t continue to target increasingly impoverished, cynical couples on February 14, but switch tack to follow China’s example. Invent a day for singles, and pursue them instead.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72856/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Nelson Blackley is a Research Associate at the National Retail Research Knowledge Exchange Centre.</span></em></p>Does the secret to romantic sales success actually lie in an appeal to our cynicism?Nelson Blackley, Research Associate, Nottingham Business School, Nottingham Trent UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/712252017-02-13T14:06:44Z2017-02-13T14:06:44ZSt Valentine’s – a minor day in a medieval calendar packed with festivals<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156566/original/image-20170213-23402-kpyyzq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Luis Santos</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>The feast of St Valentine has been associated with love since the Middle Ages. Back then Valentine was one of many saints honoured in the Christian calendar alongside major religious festivals, such as Christmas, Easter, and Pentecost. </p>
<p>In medieval times people lived their lives according to the liturgical – or ceremonial – year. But many festivals on the religious calendar also tracked seasonal changes, marking the darkest and lightest times of year, times of planting, harvesting or using up stored food, or signalling the need for people to tighten their belts in periods of traditional shortage.</p>
<p>Little is known about the St Valentine who was martyred on February 14. There are <a href="http://www.history.com/news/6-surprising-facts-about-st-valentine">several Valentines in the Catholic martyrology</a> so it’s unclear whether he’s the same saint mentioned by <a href="https://www.britannica.com/biography/John-Gower">John Gower</a> and <a href="http://www.biography.com/people/geoffrey-chaucer-9245691">Geoffrey Chaucer</a>, the first English poets to associate the feast of St Valentine with <a href="http://theepicentre.com/valentines-day-birds/">the mating impulses of birds</a> – which were thought to begin looking for their mates on February 14 (this may have been associated with the sounds of the first songbirds after winter). </p>
<p>But what we do know is that Valentine was not one of the more important saints venerated by medieval people – nor was his feast one of the 40 to 50 <em>festa ferianda</em>, or celebratory festivals, which required people to abstain from work in order to fast and attend mass. </p>
<h2>Candlemas</h2>
<p>Far from being the main event in February, as today’s British <a href="http://theconversation.com/money-cant-buy-me-love-what-valentines-day-means-for-retailers-72856">high street retailers</a> would have us believe, St Valentine’s Day was vastly overshadowed by <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/christianity/holydays/candlemas.shtml">Candlemas on February 2</a> – or to give it its proper name, the Feast of the Purification of the Blessed Virgin Mary – which commemorates when Christ’s mother presented her holy child in the temple 40 days after his birth. </p>
<p>Each parishioner participated in a solemn candlelit procession before hearing mass and offering a penny to the church. How people celebrated the rest of this work-free day is not clear – though records of other religious holidays reveal that singing, dancing, playing games, drinking, watching plays and feasting were standard forms of entertainment, despite being frowned upon by church officials. Secular distractions aside, Candlemas had huge popular appeal because it celebrated spiritual renewal through Christ’s light in the darkness of winter. It heralded the end of the cold season and the candle stubs blessed by the priest were believed to ward off evil and protect the bearer from harm for the rest of the year.</p>
<h2>Shrovetide</h2>
<p>Another festival that has echoes today was <a href="http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/13763a.htm">Shrovetide</a>, a carnival period before Lent that ran from <a href="http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/13721b.htm">Septuagesima Sunday</a> until Shrove Tuesday – or as it is popularly known, Pancake Day (Mardi Gras). Shrovetide was similarly well-liked because it provided the opportunity to make merry before the strict rules governing diet, sex and recreation kicked in for the 40 days of Lent, when fasting was obligatory and marriages forbidden. </p>
<p>Second only to the festivities witnessed throughout the 12 days of Christmas, when excessive feasting, music, dancing, and games were the order of the day, Shrovetide, was a time for ordinary people to indulge in food, drink and raucous entertainments, watch plays, and play the popular – but dangerous – game of football. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156575/original/image-20170213-23378-1dfojao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156575/original/image-20170213-23378-1dfojao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=391&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156575/original/image-20170213-23378-1dfojao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=391&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156575/original/image-20170213-23378-1dfojao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=391&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156575/original/image-20170213-23378-1dfojao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=491&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156575/original/image-20170213-23378-1dfojao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=491&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156575/original/image-20170213-23378-1dfojao.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=491&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Wood carving of two youths playing ball on a misericord at Gloucester Cathedral.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Gloucester Cathedral</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Shrovetide also had a practical function. It legitimised the consumption of the last of the food stored over winter before it turned bad, allowing people to prepare mentally and physically for Lent at a time when there was traditionally a shortage of food. The carnival atmosphere also offered a release from the frustrations of winter. Taking its name from the act of shriving – or confessing – sins, Shrovetide captures the very essence of how the medieval calendar absorbed, governed and brought meaning to everyday life.</p>
<h2>To everything a season</h2>
<p>Of course, there were many other holy days, or holidays, providing occasions for celebration. Christmas, Easter and Pentecost (which celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit to the disciples after Christ’s ascension) were the principal religious periods – balancing penitential fasting and solemnity with time away from work, merriment and gift giving. And the outdoor revels of early May and summer also played an important role in people’s lives, giving rise to secular rituals such as “Maying” (gathering blossoms and dancing around the Maypole, etc), <a href="https://www.britannica.com/art/mumming-play">mummings</a> and various forms of secular and religious plays. Events such as these took full advantage of the spring and summer months, with warmer days providing ample opportunity for large numbers of people to gather together outside and celebrate the natural seasons of rebirth and growth.</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/EwJLKdU50KE?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
</figure>
<p>The complex seasonal rhythms of the liturgical year remained consistent in England right up until the Reformation, when the observance of saints’ days <a href="http://tudorhistory.org/glossaries/h/holy_days.html">was abolished and events in the temporal cycle were modified</a>. That some of the Catholic feasts, such as Valentine’s Day, Shrove Tuesday and Halloween (All Hallows Eve) survived <a href="https://theconversation.com/five-of-the-most-violent-moments-of-the-reformation-71535">the Reformation</a> to remain in our cultural calendar today, is undoubtedly due to the rituals and traditions that secular folk attached to them, an issue that brings us full circle to St Valentine.</p>
<h2>Be my Valentine</h2>
<p>By the end of the Middle Ages, the meaning of Valentine’s Day had expanded to incorporate human lovers expressing their feelings in hope of attracting or reaffirming a mate. In February 1477, one would-be lover, Margery Brews, sent the <a href="http://www.bl.uk/learning/timeline/item126579.html">oldest-known “Valentine”</a> in the English language to John Paston, referring to him as her “right welbelouyd Voluntyn”. At the time Brews’s parents were negotiating her marriage to Paston, a member of the Norfolk gentry, but he was not satisfied with the size of the dowry offered by her father. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=304&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=304&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=304&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=382&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=382&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156579/original/image-20170213-23406-1buz9sp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=382&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The earliest Valentine: from Margery Brews to John Paston.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">British Library</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The couple married shortly after, so Margery’s heartfelt letters clearly appealed to her beloved. While we have to wait until the Tudor period to witness the now familiar concept of bestowing material gifts on one’s Valentine, it is Margery’s Valentine that best captures the essence of how the saint’s day transformed from being a lesser-known feast on the medieval liturgical calendar to one of the most important days of the year for hopeful and hopeless romantics, regardless of religion.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/71225/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Sarah Peverley receives funding from The Leverhulme Trust. In the past she has received research funding from the AHRC and The British Academy. </span></em></p>Religious and secular festivals followed the rhythm of the seasons to provide a balance between work, prayer and leisure for medieval Britons.Sarah Peverley, Professor of English, University of LiverpoolLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/709192017-02-13T09:24:37Z2017-02-13T09:24:37ZBeing lovesick was a real disease in the Middle Ages<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156336/original/image-20170210-23350-m0q7zk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Cupid shoots an arrow in the 'Roman de la Rose'. 14th century, MS NLW 5016 // Wikimedia Commons</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Love sure does hurt, as the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db47zLee3vA">Everly Brothers knew</a> very well. And while it is often romanticised or made sentimental, the brutal reality is that many of us experience fairly unpleasant symptoms when in the throes of love. Nausea, desperation, a racing heart, a loss of appetite, an inability to sleep, a maudlin mood – sound familiar?</p>
<p>Today, research into the <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1016/j.febslet.2007.03.094/full">science of love</a> recognises the way in which the neurotransmitters dopamine, adrenalin and serotonin in the brain cause the often-unpleasant physical symptoms that people experience when they are in love. A <a href="http://jn.physiology.org/content/94/1/327.full#R48">study in 2005</a> concluded that romantic love was a motivation or goal-orientated state that leads to emotions or sensations like euphoria or anxiety.</p>
<p>But the connection between love and physical affliction was made long ago. In medieval medicine, the body and soul were closely intertwined – the body, it was thought, could reflect the state of the soul.</p>
<h2>Humoral imbalance</h2>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=842&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=842&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=842&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1059&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1059&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154447/original/image-20170126-30424-1jp20eq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1059&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Text and tabular of humours and fevers, according to Galen, c.1420. In MS 49 Wellcome Apocalypse, f.43r.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Wellcome Library</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Medical ideas in the Middle Ages were based on the doctrine of the four bodily humours: blood, phlegm, black bile and yellow bile. In a perfectly healthy person, all four were thought to be perfectly balanced, so illness was believed to be caused by disturbances to this balance. </p>
<p>Such ideas were based on the ancient medical texts of physicians like Galen, who developed a system of temperaments which associated a person’s predominant humour with their character traits. The melancholic person, for example, was dominated by the humour of black bile, and considered to have a cold and dry constitution.</p>
<p>And as <a href="https://medievalmetamorphoses.wordpress.com/publications/">my own research</a> has shown, people with a melancholic disposition were thought, in the Middle Ages, to be more likely to suffer from lovesickness.</p>
<p>The 11th-century physician and monk, <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=doUoAQAAMAAJ&q=viaticum+mary+wack&dq=viaticum+mary+wack&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiH9If2t-DRAhXKDcAKHXu7CpsQ6AEIGjAA">Constantine the African</a>, translated a treatise on melancholia which was popular in Europe in the Middle Ages. He made clear the connection between an excess of the black bile of melancholy in the body, and lovesickness:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>The love that is also called ‘eros’ is a <em>disease</em> touching the brain … Sometimes the cause of this love is an intense natural need to expel a great excess of humours … this illness causes thoughts and worries as the afflicted person seeks to find and possess what they desire.</p>
</blockquote>
<h2>Curing unrequited love</h2>
<p>Towards the end of the 12th century, the physician <a href="http://faculty.bsc.edu/shagen/STUDENT/Lovesick/Pages/gerard.html">Gerard of Berry</a> wrote a commentary on this text, adding that the lovesick sufferer becomes fixated on an object of beauty and desire because of an imbalanced constitution. This fixation, he wrote, causes further coldness, which perpetuates melancholia.</p>
<p>Whoever is the object of desire – and in the case of medieval religious women, the beloved was often Christ – the unattainability or loss of that object was a trauma which, for the medieval melancholic, was difficult to relieve.</p>
<p>But since the condition of melancholic lovesickness was considered to be so deeply rooted, medical <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=rcpjAWNNiXYC&printsec=frontcover&dq=noga+arikha+passions+and+tempers&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj-652Dh-DRAhWoKMAKHUGHAUkQ6AEIKDAA#v=onepage&q=noga%20arikha%20passions%20and%20tempers&f=false">treatments</a> did exist. They included exposure to light, gardens, calm and rest, inhalations, and warm baths with moistening plants such as water lilies and violets. A diet of lamb, lettuce, eggs, fish, and ripe fruit was recommended, and the root of hellebore was employed from the days of Hippocrates as a cure. The excessive black bile of melancholia was treated with purgatives, laxatives and phlebotomy (blood-letting), to rebalance the humours.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154448/original/image-20170126-30419-tal8x6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154448/original/image-20170126-30419-tal8x6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=410&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154448/original/image-20170126-30419-tal8x6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=410&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154448/original/image-20170126-30419-tal8x6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=410&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154448/original/image-20170126-30419-tal8x6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=515&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154448/original/image-20170126-30419-tal8x6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=515&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154448/original/image-20170126-30419-tal8x6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=515&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Blood-letting in Aldobrandino of Siena’s ‘Régime du Corps’. British Library, MS Sloane 2435, f.11v. France, late 13thC.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Wikimedia Commons</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Tales of woe</h2>
<p>It is little wonder, then, that the literature of medieval Europe contains frequent medical references in relation to the thorny issue of love and longing. Characters sick with mourning proliferate the poetry of the Middle Ages. </p>
<p>The grieving Black Knight in Chaucer’s <a href="http://www.librarius.com/duchessfs.htm">The Book of the Duchess</a> mourns his lost beloved with infinite pain and no hope of a cure: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>This ys my peyne wythoute red (remedy),<br>
Alway deynge and be not ded. </p>
</blockquote>
<p>In Marie de France’s 12th-century <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=bXCUKl44F3YC&dq=lais+de+marie+de+france&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj0tI68xODRAhVHGsAKHWy-DYIQ6AEIKTAB"><em>Les Deus Amanz</em></a>, a young man dies of exhaustion when attempting to win the hand of his beloved, who then dies of grief herself. Even in life, their secret love is described as causing them “suffering”, and that their “love was a great affliction”. And in the anonymous <a href="http://d.lib.rochester.edu/teams/text/stanbury-pearl">Pearl</a> poem, a father, mourning the loss of his daughter, or “perle”, is wounded by the loss: “I dewyne, fordolked of luf-daungere” (I languish, wounded by unrequited love).</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154450/original/image-20170126-30428-1jgxoaj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154450/original/image-20170126-30428-1jgxoaj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154450/original/image-20170126-30428-1jgxoaj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154450/original/image-20170126-30428-1jgxoaj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=397&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154450/original/image-20170126-30428-1jgxoaj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154450/original/image-20170126-30428-1jgxoaj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154450/original/image-20170126-30428-1jgxoaj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=499&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The lover and the priest in the ‘Confessio Amantis’, early 15th century. MS Bodl. 294, f.9r.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Bodleian Library, Oxford University</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The entirety of John Gower’s 14th-century poem, <a href="http://d.lib.rochester.edu/teams/publication/peck-confessio-amantis-volume-1"><em>Confessio Amantis</em></a> (The Lover’s Confession), is framed around a melancholic lover who complains to Venus and Cupid that he is sick with love to the point that he desires death, and requires a medicine (which he has yet to find) to be cured.</p>
<p>The lover in <em>Confessio Amantis</em> does, finally, receive a cure from Venus. Seeing his dire condition, she produces a cold “oignement” and anoints his “wounded herte”, his temples, and his kidneys. Through this medicinal treatment, the “fyri peine” (fiery pain) of his love is dampened, and he is cured.</p>
<p>The medicalisation of love has perpetuated, as the sciences of neurobiology and evolutionary biology show today. In 1621, Robert Burton published the weighty tome <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=jyHVBjXkPowC&printsec=frontcover&dq=robert+burton+the+anatomy+of+melancholy&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjwg5TpqODRAhWfHsAKHZL4CtwQ6AEIIDAB#v=onepage&q=robert%20burton%20the%20anatomy%20of%20melancholy&f=false">The Anatomy of Melancholy</a>. And Freud developed similar ideas in the early 20th century, in the book <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=r9UnxaOj83oC&printsec=frontcover&dq=freud+murder+mourning&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiNjeySquDRAhVnLsAKHbZIDfAQ6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&q=freud%20murder%20mourning&f=false">Mourning and Melancholia</a>. The problem of the conflicted human heart clearly runs deep.</p>
<p>So if the pain of love is piercing your heart, you could always give some of these medieval cures a try.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/70919/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Laura Kalas does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Lettuce leaves and purgatives might ease your aching heart.Laura Kalas, Postdoctoral Researcher in Medieval Literature and Medicine, Associate Tutor, University of ExeterLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/727842017-02-12T01:19:52Z2017-02-12T01:19:52ZWhy you should date your best friend<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156404/original/image-20170210-23337-uiov1m.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=23%2C115%2C590%2C452&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Bestie + Lover = Relationship Nirvana?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/aspaonline/16672454745">Aspa</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=853&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=853&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=853&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1072&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1072&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1072&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">One person fills two roles.</span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Being someone’s BFF is a big deal – you don’t hand over the other half of your “Best Friends” necklace to just anyone. Having a romantic partner who is also your best friend potentially sounds perfect. With your BFF as your romantic partner, you get the best of both worlds, someone with whom you can laugh, share your life and cuddle. When you look at seemingly happy celebrity couples like Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, or Leslie Mann and Judd Apatow, not only do they appear to be in love, but they also seem to genuinely enjoy hanging out together.</p>
<p>How many people feel as though they have attained that type of ideal? And do psychologists confirm this new paradigm is a good one to strive for? I enlisted the help of <a href="https://www.monmouth.edu/polling-institute/">Monmouth University Polling Institute</a> to investigate.</p>
<h2>How many have two-in-one relationships?</h2>
<p>To help figure out how many best-friend couples are out there, we asked 801 adults across the United States the <a href="https://www.monmouth.edu/polling-institute/reports/MonmouthPoll_US_020917/">following question</a>: “Do you consider your partner to be your best friend or do you call somebody else your best friend?”</p>
<iframe src="https://datawrapper.dwcdn.net/SCoCT/2/" frameborder="0" allowtransparency="true" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" webkitallowfullscreen="webkitallowfullscreen" mozallowfullscreen="mozallowfullscreen" oallowfullscreen="oallowfullscreen" msallowfullscreen="msallowfullscreen" width="100%" style="min-height:415px;" height="400"></iframe>
<p>Among adults currently in a romantic relationship, the vast majority (83 percent) considered their current partner to be their best friend. For those who are currently married, the rate was even higher. Men and women had similar rates, while younger respondents were slightly less likely than older respondents to view their partner as their best friend.</p>
<p>The overall numbers from this recent poll <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407593103011">dwarf the earlier reported rate of best-friend romantic partners</a>. In a 1993 study, only 44 percent of college students indicated their romantic partner was also their best bud. The difference in best-friend/love rates – almost doubling over the past 20 years – could just be an artifact of the published research’s college student sample.</p>
<p>But expectations for modern relationships have evolved in the intervening years. Compared to previous generations, today’s heterosexual men and women are more accustomed to thinking of each other as friends on equal footing, even outside of the romantic realm. Once a romantic couple forms, we’re more likely to look for more <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=O9hBQ_GJ6XYC&pg=PA64&lpg=PA64#v=onepage&q&f=false">egalitarian splits of power and divisions of labor</a>. We hold <a href="http://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.863723">our relationships to higher standards</a> than we have in previous decades.</p>
<p>In particular, couples now expect their relationships to promote personal growth and help individuals fulfill their own goals. For example, your partner should help you become a better person by teaching you new things like how to make the perfect creme brulee, taking you places like the cool new trampoline park and opening your eyes to new perspectives such as the benefits of eating a more vegetarian-based diet. Although this expectation for growth could conceivably place an unwieldy burden on your relationship, researchers believe that <a href="http://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.878683">modern relationships are up to the task</a>. In fact, the idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person, <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=wUcGAQAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA90&dq=The+self+expansion+model+of+motivation+and+cognition+in+close+relationships.&ots=Y9AFoA14oe&sig=KEDm0E2v5GYma63XPgJ-bcdwiRw#v=onepage&q=The%20self%20expansion%20model%20of%20motivation%20and%20cognition%20in%20close%20relationships.&f=false">a phenomenon that researchers call self-expansion</a>, is a useful one; relationships that provide more expansion are also of higher quality.</p>
<p>In order to hit all these self-improvement targets, you may need more from a spouse or romantic partner than was expected in years past – and a partner who is also your best friend may be a step in the right direction.</p>
<p>To see if those who consider their partner their best friend also expect more from them, the Monmouth University Poll asked, “For an ideal relationship, how much should you expect your partner to help you grow and expand as a person?” Our poll results indicated generally high expectations overall, and individuals with best-friend romantic partners expected a bit more from them.</p>
<p>Of course, while individuals can expect more, that won’t automatically translate into better results. Think of it this way: Simply because you want more from your job, it doesn’t guarantee you’re going to get what you want. </p>
<h2>Are best-friend partners better partners?</h2>
<p>We wanted to see if these best-friend romances were really better. To do that, we asked poll respondents, “How satisfied are you with your current relationship – extremely, very, somewhat, not too, or not at all satisfied?” We then compared those who said their partner was their best friend to those who responded it was someone else.</p>
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<p>Those who considered their partner their best friend were indeed much more satisfied in their relationship than those who didn’t. This finding is consistent with research showing that relationships with more companionate love – based on friendship, feelings of affection, comfort and shared interests – <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407513515618">last longer</a> and are <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407594111002">more satisfying</a>. In fact, companionate love is more closely associated with relationship satisfaction <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-682X.1998.tb00459.x">than is passionate love</a> – the type of romantic love based on intense feelings of attraction and preoccupation with one’s partner.</p>
<p>Other research shows that those in <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00066.x">friendship-based love relationships</a> feel they have a highly likable partner, and that shared companionship is an important part of the love. A study of 622 married individuals revealed that those with higher scores on the friendship-based love scale also reported more relationship satisfaction, greater perceived importance of the relationship, greater respect for their spouse, and felt closer to their spouse. More recently, across two studies with nearly 400 participants in relationships, those who place <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512453009">more value on the friendship aspect</a> of their relationship also report more commitment, more love and greater sexual gratification. In addition, valuing friendship also decreased the chances of the couple breaking up. Best-friend love is starting to sound better and better.</p>
<p>All of these benefits are backed up by accounts from a special type of relationship expert: <a href="http://connection.ebscohost.com/c/articles/49838503/marriages-made-last">couples who’ve been happily married for over 15 years</a>. When researchers asked over 350 of these couples about their secret to relationship success and longevity, what was the number one reason? Simple: their partner was their best friend. The second most common response was liking their spouse as a person, another key facet of friendship-based love. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Why you like someone as a friend may be what makes them a great romantic partner.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/senior-couple-playing-computer-games-280358012?src=8Jwf2h2q-T2YAFoNssFHYQ-1-9">Couple image via www.shutterstock.com.</a></span>
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</figure>
<h2>Why are best-friend partners so beneficial?</h2>
<p>These findings demonstrating the benefits of dating or marrying your best friend make perfect sense when you consider the <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00173.x">type of relationship best friends share</a>. Friends enjoy spending time together, share similar interests, take care of each other, trust each other and feel a lasting bond between them. It isn’t a coincidence that these all happen to be <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407507081451">qualities that also define successful intimate relationships</a>.</p>
<p>By recognizing the parallels between best friends and romantic partners, you can benefit from holding both types of relationships to the same standards. All too often it seems individuals are overly forgiving of a relationship partner’s bad behavior, when they would never accept similar behaviors from a friend. For example, if your friend was mean, rude, perpetually grumpy, nagging, dishonest, argumentative, emotionally unstable, ignored your texts, called you names or didn’t want to have meaningful conversations with you, would you still want to be friends? If not, it’s fair to hold similar expectations for your romantic partner. Take the time to find a romantic partner who truly is your best friend. </p>
<p>To be clear, the argument here isn’t that you should try to convert an existing best friend into a romantic partner. You may not want to run the risk of compromising that friendship, anyway. Rather, the data here point out the importance of your romantic partner also being one of your best friends. </p>
<p>Ultimately, the best way to have true love forever may be to be best friends forever first.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72784/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Looking for a lifelong Valentine? Psychologists suggest taking a closer look at your best friend. The things we want in a good friend are many of the same things we expect from a romantic partner.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Chair and Professor of Psychology, Monmouth UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/721772017-02-10T15:23:33Z2017-02-10T15:23:33ZWhy Tinder is so ‘evilly satisfying’<p>In America, <a href="http://www.comscore.com/Insights/Presentations-and-Whitepapers/2014/The-US-Mobile-App-Report?cs_edgescape_cc=US">60 percent of digital media consumption</a> now occurs on mobile or tablet devices instead of desktop computers. As people and technology have become increasingly mobile, so have their efforts to find love and sex. <a href="https://www.appannie.com/apps/ios/app/tinder/rank-history/#vtype=day&countries=US&start_date=2015-10-01&end_date=2017-02-02&device=iphone&view=rank&lm=3">According to app analytics website AppAnnie</a>, the dating application Tinder is one of the most popular tools to pursue modern romance and has been ranked as the most downloaded lifestyle app in America for nearly two years. </p>
<p>As a social psychologist, I’ve focused my research on exploring why Tinder – as one of my interview participants put it – is so “evilly satisfying.” While completing my dissertation exploring sexual conflict on Tinder, I’ve analyzed hundreds of surveys, interviews and internet posts from Tinder users describing their experiences with the app. My preliminary results suggest Tinder users do, in fact, have different outcomes than those who either use online dating websites or don’t use any dating technologies at all. </p>
<p>Specifically, Tinder may be causing what researchers call “<a href="https://arxiv.org/pdf/1607.01952v1.pdf">a feedback loop</a>,” in which men use less strict criteria for finding a mate by serially swiping, and women use more discerning criteria in response to the deluge of matches. But we shouldn’t sound the alarms just yet, as swiping may reflect more about our cognitive shortcuts than our more nuanced romantic desires.</p>
<h2>Like a game</h2>
<p>While most online dating websites such as Match or eHarmony attempt to connect similar users based on carefully constructed algorithms, Tinder does nothing of the sort. Using geo-location, Tinder generates a stream of photos from potential mates who are in or around the user’s location. Users then “swipe right” on profiles that they like or “swipe left” on those they don’t. If two individuals both “swipe right” after viewing the other’s profile, they will be alerted that a “match” has been made, and they’ll be allowed to message one another. <a href="https://www.gotinder.com/press">According to Tinder</a>, the app boasts 1.4 billion “swipes” a day and is available in over 196 countries, from France to Burundi.</p>
<p>Tinder’s approach to romance is straightforward, yet brutally effective. Matches are made using sparse criteria: Looks, availability and location. Because people can gauge someone’s attractiveness after just a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16366753">one-second glance</a>, Tinder users often churn through profiles at astounding speeds.</p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156239/original/image-20170209-8631-1715a84.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156239/original/image-20170209-8631-1715a84.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=275&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156239/original/image-20170209-8631-1715a84.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=275&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156239/original/image-20170209-8631-1715a84.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=275&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156239/original/image-20170209-8631-1715a84.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=345&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156239/original/image-20170209-8631-1715a84.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=345&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156239/original/image-20170209-8631-1715a84.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=345&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">‘Love me Tinder, love me true.’</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/jeremybank/13005018044/">Jeremy Bank/flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
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<p>In terms of psychological conditioning, Tinder’s interface is perfectly constructed to encourage this rapid swiping. Since users don’t know which swipe will bring the “reward” of a match, Tinder uses a <a href="https://www.verywell.com/what-is-a-variable-ratio-schedule-2796012">variable ratio reward schedule</a>, which means that potential matches will be randomly dispersed. It’s the same reward system used in <a href="http://journals.uic.edu/ojs/index.php/bsi/article/viewFile/311/2939">slot machines</a>, <a href="ftp://ftp.cs.princeton.edu/techreports/2012/931.pdf">video games</a> and even during <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1333678/">animal experiments</a> where researchers train pigeons to continuously peck at a light on the wall. </p>
<p><a href="http://www.pnas.org/content/108/37/15037.abstract">In a study on the brains of drug addicts</a>, researchers found that the expectation of the drug caused more release of the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine than the actual drug itself. Similarly, for those who may be expecting the next swipe on Tinder to lead to reward, <a href="http://fusion.net/story/42161/addicted-to-tinder/">serial swiping can start to look and feel a lot like addiction</a>. Not surprisingly, in 2015 Tinder began to <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2015/02/03/tinder-tests-limited-right-swipes/">limit the amount of daily right swipes</a> to around 100 for users who don’t buy into their premium service, <a href="http://blog.gotinder.com/untitled-2/">TinderPlus</a>. And yes, there have already been <a href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/153152-what-dating-app-withdrawal-feels-like-when-you-delete-tinder-for-a-month">reports of Tinder withdrawal</a> for those who have tried to break up with their Tinder account.</p>
<p>So when it comes to finding a mate, Tinder’s rapid pace appeals to the simplest of our cognitive shortcuts: Are they nearby? Are they available? Are they attractive? If so, swipe right. </p>
<p>For short-term hookups, that may be good enough.</p>
<h2>A gender disconnect</h2>
<p>But is that really all Tinder is good for? Research has shown that men and women may have different motivations for using the app.</p>
<p>While women do frequently engage in short-term mating strategies, men repeatedly demonstrate more <a href="http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.374.1723&rep=rep1&type=pdf">desire for short-term mating</a>. In addition, studies suggest men are more likely to pursue romantic partners using <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0146167299025006006">direct and quick methods of approach and proposition</a>, and they spend more time and energy <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0162309594000275">looking for short-term mating opportunities</a> than women. And since Tinder users often use the app when they’re alone and can reject or express interest without receiving any social backlash, males may be especially drawn to rapid swiping.</p>
<p>As a result, women and gay men receive more matches than heterosexual men. <a href="https://arxiv.org/pdf/1607.01952v1.pdf">In one of the first quantitative studies conducted on Tinder</a>, researchers created an equally attractive fake male and fake female Tinder profile and then “swiped right” on everyone who appeared in the app. They then recorded the number of swipe matches and messages each of the fake profiles received in return. While the female profile had a matching rate of 10.5 percent, the match rate for the male profile was a minuscule 0.6 percent, with most matches coming from gay or bisexual men.</p>
<p>But while women get more matches, they don’t necessarily enjoy an all-you-can-eat buffet of the most desirable mates. Researchers from the fake-Tinder study found that women were three times more likely to send a message following a match than men, and their messages were nearly 10 times longer in length (122 characters compared to a paltry 12 for men, which is barely enough to squeak out “Hi, how are you?”). </p>
<p>As such, men send out more messages, to more potential partners, but tend to put in less effort or are less committed to their matches. Women may feel flattered by the frequency of matches, but they may also feel disappointed when trying to follow up and have deeper conversations.</p>
<h2>Love in a hopeless place?</h2>
<p>This doesn’t mean you can’t find love on Tinder. <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/301774015_Love_me_Tinder_Untangling_emerging_adults%27_motivations_for_using_the_dating_application_Tinder">A 2017 qualitative study of motivations for using Tinder</a> found that love was a more common motivation for using Tinder than casual sex. My own preliminary data (still subject to peer review) mirrors this finding. I distributed a survey to hundreds of Tinder users, online dating users, and those who don’t use any kind of dating technology and compared their experiences with deception, sex and romantic satisfaction.</p>
<p>While I found no statistical difference between Tinder users and the other two groups in regards to desired relationship length and likelihood to have sex on the first date, Tinder users did report experiencing frustration with their romantic encounters. Tinder users were more likely to report being deceived by romantic partners met through the app, and they had lower overall satisfaction with their last “first date” than the other two groups. In other words, motivations for using Tinder may not be as different as we thought, but the outcomes suggest the fun users have while swiping may not always translate to the same kind of enjoyable experiences in real-world settings.</p>
<p>Though love and sex have historically been relegated to the proverbial bedroom, data from matching systems like Tinder provide fruitful insight into human mating behavior. While <a href="http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating">some suggest</a> Tinder has caused a “dating apocalypse,” it doesn’t appear to cause any new patterns of human sexual behavior we haven’t encountered before. In fact, it may just cause men and women to act in more gender-stereotypical ways, which could be thought of as a step backwards. </p>
<p>But if people become increasingly disinterested in conventional relationships and more comfortable with technology in their personal lives, the allure of swiping may be too evilly satisfying to quit.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72177/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jeanette Purvis does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Data from swiping apps like Tinder are giving researchers a window into how dating and relationships could be changing.Jeanette Purvis, Ph.D. Student in Psychology, University of HawaiiLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/721402017-02-10T14:36:24Z2017-02-10T14:36:24ZThe lock of love: how leaving padlocks became a modern-day romantic ritual<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156376/original/image-20170210-23350-jo1l0a.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanorwood/13987670428/sizes/l">Lisa Norwood/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/">CC BY-NC</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Cities as distant and varied as Moscow and Manchester, New York and Newport, Beijing and Blackpool all have one striking feature in common. Masses of padlocks, engraved with the names or initials of love-struck couples, bedeck notable landmarks such as bridges and fences – sometimes to the ire of local authorities. </p>
<p>The exact origins of the “love locking” practice are unknown, but it rapidly gained global momentum after emerging in Rome and Paris during the 2000s. The locks have become romantic tokens – universal symbols for the commitment, strength and constancy of a relationship. </p>
<p>Yet this symbol of unity has proven ironically polarising. Many authorities view the custom negatively, and collections of love locks have been removed from bridges following safety concerns. Such worries are not misplaced: in 2014, a railing on <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-27758940">the Pont des Arts in Paris collapsed</a> under the weight of its love locks. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156378/original/image-20170210-23358-z81ge9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156378/original/image-20170210-23358-z81ge9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=320&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156378/original/image-20170210-23358-z81ge9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=320&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156378/original/image-20170210-23358-z81ge9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=320&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156378/original/image-20170210-23358-z81ge9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156378/original/image-20170210-23358-z81ge9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156378/original/image-20170210-23358-z81ge9.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Pont Des Arts: smothered in love.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/nikboi/9620414624/sizes/l">Nik Boiv/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
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<p>The following year, the bolt-cutters were out in force, and over one million padlocks (weighing 45 tonnes), <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-32960470">were removed</a> from the bridge to prevent further damage. Similar responses have been seen worldwide, from Leeds to Melbourne. </p>
<h2>Forbidden love</h2>
<p>But in many cases it’s not concern about a bridge’s structural integrity that sees authorities reaching for the bolt-cutters – it’s anxiety over aesthetics. In many cities, love locking has been classified an act of vandalism. Signs are erected on bridges to discourage the practice. </p>
<p>In Florence, the city’s council went so far as to <a href="http://www.italymagazine.com/italy/tuscany/florence-tries-stamp-out-locks-love">criminalise it</a>, sparking controversy in 2005 by threatening a fine of €50 for anyone caught attaching a padlock to the Ponte Vecchio.</p>
<p>Residents of some cities also disapprove of the practice. In Paris, two US expats founded the vociferous <a href="https://nolovelocks.com">No Love Locks campaign</a>, pushing for a ban on what they called a “destructive force”. And recently, in Bristol, an anonymous local resident fronted an online <a href="https://www.fundsurfer.com/project/lose-the-locks-cut-the-padlocks-off-peros-bridge">crowdfunding crusade</a> to “lose the locks” on Pero’s Bridge.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154947/original/image-20170131-13243-1rky4mc.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/154947/original/image-20170131-13243-1rky4mc.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154947/original/image-20170131-13243-1rky4mc.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154947/original/image-20170131-13243-1rky4mc.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154947/original/image-20170131-13243-1rky4mc.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154947/original/image-20170131-13243-1rky4mc.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/154947/original/image-20170131-13243-1rky4mc.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Where is the love? Not in Leeds.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Ceri Houlbrook</span>, <span class="license">Author provided</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>Members of the media have likewise boarded the anti-love lock bandwagon, with The Guardian’s Jonathan Jones proving particularly disparaging. The world’s cities, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/jonathanjonesblog/2015/jun/02/love-locks-removal-paris-rome-florence-stupidest-phoniest-time-to-stop">he lamented</a>, are suffering from a “plague of padlocks”, thanks to a custom which he cuttingly condemns as “one of the shallowest, stupidest, phoniest expressions of love ever devised”. </p>
<p>And yet. </p>
<p>The one million love locks removed from the Pont des Arts amount to two million people who disagree with Jonathan Jones. And this is just the figure from one site – there are hundreds, probably thousands, around the world. Rather than regarding love-locking as a vapid act of vandalism, I’d argue that it’s a form of modern-day heritage. </p>
<h2>Lock it down</h2>
<p>Since 1972, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation (UNESCO) has defined <a href="http://whc.unesco.org/en/conventiontext/">sites of world cultural heritage</a> as being “of outstanding universal value from the historical, aesthetic, ethnological or anthropological point of view”. Surely, these masses of love locks – which represent what is probably the most widespread ritual deposit of the 21st century – constitute sites of outstanding universal value. So, why aren’t ethnographers, anthropologists, and cultural heritage specialists clamouring to preserve this custom, either in practice or in print?</p>
<p>Ageism is the likeliest culprit. Antiquity is often viewed as a virtue, lending “authenticity” and “value” to any object with a good few centuries behind it. The only thing that distinguishes love locks from other ritual objects such as Bronze Age river deposits, votive offerings on the Athenian acropolis, or Roman coin hoards is age. Patina ensures protection. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156366/original/image-20170210-23316-1rke3wr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156366/original/image-20170210-23316-1rke3wr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=349&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156366/original/image-20170210-23316-1rke3wr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=349&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156366/original/image-20170210-23316-1rke3wr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=349&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156366/original/image-20170210-23316-1rke3wr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=438&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156366/original/image-20170210-23316-1rke3wr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=438&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156366/original/image-20170210-23316-1rke3wr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=438&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Love is timeless.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/sharadaprasad/25010579984/sizes/l">Sharada Prasad/Flickr</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
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</figure>
<p>Yet <a href="http://whc.unesco.org/en/about/">UNESCO claims that</a> “heritage is our legacy from the past, what we live with today, and what we pass on to future generations”. The objects and sites of today are just as much a part of our heritage as those of the past – perhaps even more so. The global spread of love locks makes them a part of everyone’s heritage: not exclusive to particular regions, cultures or classes, love locks can be attached anywhere, by anyone. Surely, this is culture at its most democratic. </p>
<p>I’m not suggesting that we encourage the practice – especially where it poses a safety risk – but we should be doing more to preserve this unique piece of our global cultural heritage. Heritage specialists should be engaging with love lock sites on a case-by-case basis; contemporary archaeologists should be cataloguing these ritual deposits before they’re disposed of. Rather than waiting for love locks to develop the heritage “value” that comes with age – so that future generations will have nothing to ponder over but remnants – we should be engaging with this custom now, while it’s still thriving.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72140/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ceri Houlbrook does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>This universal symbol of love has proven remarkably divisive.Ceri Houlbrook, Postdoctoral Research Fellow, University of HertfordshireLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/715302017-02-07T08:44:17Z2017-02-07T08:44:17ZHow to learn about love from Mills & Boon novels<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155480/original/image-20170203-13978-lo6p4e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Mybona / Shutterstock.com</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>“We expect love to be one of our greatest joys. But, in practice, it is one of the most reliable routes to misery,” <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jan/10/romantic-realism-the-seven-rules-to-help-you-avoid-divorce">wrote Alain de Botton</a> in a recent article, before informing us that divorce rates <a href="https://theconversation.com/january-divorce-rush-dates-back-to-the-middle-ages-35928">peak post-Christmas</a>. </p>
<p>Some have blamed one well-known publisher of romance novels as a reason behind this tidal wave of lost hopes. One scholarly article in the British Medical Journal <a href="http://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/veteran-bodice-ripper-that-defies-parody-bp625mpml">recently claimed</a> that Mills & Boon was a contributing factor to divorce, adultery, and unwanted pregnancy. </p>
<p>Mills & Boon is over 100-years-old and has an established reputation of supplying escapist romantic fantasies for its predominantly female readership across the globe. But with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I’d like to come out in defence of these romantic novels. Despite their escapist nature, there is a considerable amount of realism contained within their pages.</p>
<p>This might seem like a surprising claim. But realism in romance has always been a part of romantic fiction. Charlotte Smith (1749-1806), an early writer of romances, also injected a degree of reality into her novels. While her heroines of sensibility were being wooed from the turrets of their high towers by heroes with appellations such as Orlando and Willoughby, her subsidiary characters faced issues such as extra-marital affairs, unwanted pregnancies and marital rape. As Stuart Curran <a href="http://www.palgrave.com/gb/book/9780230550711">argues</a> of Smith’s works, they record a moment in English fiction where the “intrusion of ‘real life’ into the world of romance marks the beginning of a reconstituted literary realism”. </p>
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<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155645/original/image-20170206-18514-wxuuw2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155645/original/image-20170206-18514-wxuuw2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155645/original/image-20170206-18514-wxuuw2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155645/original/image-20170206-18514-wxuuw2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155645/original/image-20170206-18514-wxuuw2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155645/original/image-20170206-18514-wxuuw2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155645/original/image-20170206-18514-wxuuw2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=504&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Charlotte Turner Smith, 1792.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Wikimedia Commons</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>And I reckon that this “literary realism” is equally available, at least in some measure, in many of the romantic novels of Mills & Boon. But how shall we define “realism”? The sceptic’s definition should suffice. <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jan/10/romantic-realism-the-seven-rules-to-help-you-avoid-divorce">De Botton lists</a> seven rules that will allow any reader to develop the emotional skill of romantic realism, and thereby save their marriage. </p>
<h2>Embracing imperfection</h2>
<p>First on the list is to “accept perfection is unrealistic”. </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155648/original/image-20170206-18508-xlkijo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155648/original/image-20170206-18508-xlkijo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=954&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155648/original/image-20170206-18508-xlkijo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=954&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155648/original/image-20170206-18508-xlkijo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=954&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155648/original/image-20170206-18508-xlkijo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1199&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155648/original/image-20170206-18508-xlkijo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1199&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155648/original/image-20170206-18508-xlkijo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1199&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p>Now, the heroes of the average Mills & Boon romance, despite appearances on the covers (which generally feature muscular Adonis-like men or heroes who bear a resemblance to popular film stars) are, in fact, very far from perfect. The male lead of Penny Jordan’s <a href="http://www.harlequin.com/storeitem.html?iid=24667">The Most Coveted Prize</a> (2011) freely admits this to himself. As the reader is introduced to Kiryl, the narrator informs us that he has “a darkness within him that he had never wholly been able to control. Something of a mental vampire, an echo of himself that, when aroused, could only be calmed by feeding off the emotional pain of others”.</p>
<p>It will take the equally far from perfect 19-year-old heroine Alena to save Kiryl from himself and cement their relationship. In order for this to happen, Alena has to accept the reality that Kiryl is not the perfect hero she has constructed him to be within her imagination, saying to him: “I didn’t love you. I loved someone I created inside my own head and heart – someone I now know never existed. That was weak and foolish of me.” </p>
<p>Once she has admitted the truth to herself and, in de Botton’s words, “she has grasped the specifics of his imperfections”, she is free to focus on the fact that she loves him anyway, and would rather be with him and his imperfections than spend the rest of her life without him.</p>
<h2>The art of loving</h2>
<p>This leads me nicely onto de Botton’s fourth rule of romantic realism, which instructs us to “be ready to love rather than be loved”. Alena – along with countless other Mills & Boon heroines – loves her hero even though she is fully aware of his failings.</p>
<p>So the heroines have no issue following de Botton’s advice. But it must be acknowledged that the heroes do have more trouble. Their alpha male status seems to inhibit them from admitting what they perceive as weakness – which for the main part, manifests itself in the form of their vulnerability to the heroine. The final admission of the hero’s undying love for her will almost destroy him. </p>
<p>But, as Kiryl admits, “a man can only lie to himself for so long”, and despite Jordan reducing him to a shadow of himself – as she does with so many of her heroes – it will become clear that the hero of the tale can only be saved by embracing both the heroine and his love for her.</p>
<h2>But it’s all about the sex, right?</h2>
<p>One of the criticisms which have been levelled at Mills & Boon romantic novels over the years is the inclusion of scenes of an explicit nature. How realistic is the invariably great sex the average Mills & Boon heroine can anticipate with her hero?</p>
<p>As de Botton observes, one of the frequent failings in relationships is that we fail to “understand that sex and love, do and don’t, belong together … the general view expects that love and sex will be aligned. But in truth, they won’t stay so beyond a few months or, at best, one or two years”.</p>
<p>Not many Mills & Boons address this point. But some do. In another sample from her corpus, Jordan does attempt to hint that the “other key concerns” that de Botton highlights such as “companionship, administration, another generation” do have an impact on sex in relationships. In her 1982 novel, <a href="https://www.millsandboon.co.uk/p38167/blackmail.htm">Blackmail</a>, the heroine, Lee, is forced to take a break in sexual relations with her husband Gilles because the birth of her son “had not been an easy one”. </p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155649/original/image-20170206-18532-4dp227.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155649/original/image-20170206-18532-4dp227.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=970&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155649/original/image-20170206-18532-4dp227.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=970&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155649/original/image-20170206-18532-4dp227.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=970&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155649/original/image-20170206-18532-4dp227.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1219&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155649/original/image-20170206-18532-4dp227.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1219&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155649/original/image-20170206-18532-4dp227.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1219&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p>And akin to her literary ancestor, Charlotte Smith, Jordan also featured many older heroines. In her novel from 1989, <a href="https://www.millsandboon.co.uk/p29067/a-rekindled-passion.htm">A Rekindled Passion</a>, for example, the heroine, Kate, is just shy of 40. Kate has spent all of her adult life as a single mother, having fallen pregnant at age 16. When the baby’s father, Joss, reappears, Kate turns down his offer of sex after he tells her he wants her, saying: “It wouldn’t be sensible. We’d both regret it.” </p>
<p>Both Kate and Lee love their heroes, but their love is not aligned with sex. The heroines and heroes reach their happy endings in these novels, because all parties accept this.</p>
<p>Harlequin Mills & Boon, as a publisher, openly retails their fiction as escapism. But like all great romantic fiction, from its earliest days to contemporary times, these novels do address realistic issues which people face every day in their relationships.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/71530/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Valerie Derbyshire receives funding from WRoCAH.</span></em></p>Despite the escapist nature of these romance novels, there is a considerable amount of realism contained within their pages.Valerie Grace Derbyshire, Doctoral Researcher, School of English, University of SheffieldLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.