tag:theconversation.com,2011:/global/topics/best-friends-35807/articlesBest friends – The Conversation2021-12-16T23:55:59Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1728532021-12-16T23:55:59Z2021-12-16T23:55:59ZLost touch with friends during lockdown? Here’s how to reconnect (and let go of ‘toxic’ ones)<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436012/original/file-20211207-23-1geeael.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C8036%2C5353&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>As we resume our social lives after strict COVID restrictions have lifted, many of us are finding it’s time to take stock of our friendships.</p>
<p>Recent research I’ve been involved in found <a href="https://theconversation.com/lonely-after-lockdown-how-covid-may-leave-us-with-fewer-friends-if-we-are-not-careful-168844">friendship networks were shrinking</a> in Australia during COVID lockdowns.</p>
<p>Some people pruned their networks, focusing on only the most important family and friends. Others lost friends through reduced recreational and community activities, falling out of the habit of socialising, and shifting to more digital interaction. </p>
<p>As we start to re-engage, the obvious question is – how do we get our old friends back?</p>
<p>We might also ask ourselves – which friends do we <em>want</em> back?</p>
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<h2>Which friends do we want?</h2>
<p>There’s no one answer here – different people want different things from friends. </p>
<p>Data I have calculated from <a href="http://rpatulny.com/data/">the 2015-16 Australian Social Attitudes Survey</a> show the main form of support received from close friends in Australia is:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>primarily, having a confidant who provides <strong>emotional support</strong></p></li>
<li><p>followed by <strong>fun and good times</strong></p></li>
<li><p>and then, <strong>favours and advice</strong> of various kinds. </p></li>
</ul>
<p>These results vary by background and life stage.</p>
<p>Women are much more likely to have a confidant who provides emotional support as their closest friend. Men are more likely to have friends who provide fun, good times, favours and advice – or else no regular support at all. </p>
<p>Younger people are more likely to have a confidant, emotional support, fun and good times. Older people, aged over 56, are slightly more likely to receive favours and advice, and are much more likely to lack a close supportive friend.</p>
<figure class="align-Graph of the type of support people get from friends. ">
<img alt="Alt" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=355&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=355&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=355&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=446&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=446&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/437962/original/file-20211216-19-ark8mw.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=446&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Women are much more likely to have a confidant who provides emotional support compared to men.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://rpatulny.com/data/">Data: Australian Social Attitudes Survey 2015-16/Roger Patulny</a>, <span class="license">Author provided</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>These results are indicative of what different people get from close friendships, but may not represent what they <em>want</em> or <em>need</em>. </p>
<p>The close confidants women report as friends may well alleviate <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Loneliness_the_Experience_of_Emotional_a.html?id=KuibQgAACAAJ&redir_esc=y">emotional loneliness</a>, which is defined as the absence of close attachment to others who provide strong emotional support.</p>
<p>However, it may still leave them with <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Loneliness_the_Experience_of_Emotional_a.html?id=KuibQgAACAAJ&redir_esc=y">social loneliness</a>, or the feeling of lacking quality, companionable connections with friends. </p>
<p>Conversely, male camaraderie built around fun, activities and mutual favours may alleviate social but not emotional loneliness.</p>
<p>Emerging evidence suggests emotional loneliness has a <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1877042811027029">stronger negative impact on well-being than social loneliness</a>, so it’s important for everyone to have <em>someone</em> to talk to for emotional support.</p>
<p>We still need a variety of approaches and goals to suit different friendship needs nonetheless. </p>
<h2>Beating social loneliness</h2>
<p>The first way to reduce social loneliness is to reach out to those we already know, now that we can.</p>
<p>We can message old friends, organise get-togethers, or start new conversations and activities with everyday contacts including colleagues, fellow students, regulars at the local club or cafe, or neighbours.</p>
<p>That said, reconnecting may now be impossible or undesirable for several reasons. These can include physical distance, changed life circumstances, different interests, intractable arguments, or a <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/bigideas/australian-men-are-prone-to-loneliness/10555064">masculine aversion to initiating contact</a>. </p>
<p>In these cases, we can join, organise, invite others, and connect with new social and community groups. Better groups tend to run regular activities that genuinely reflect members’ interests and input. Generic groups that meet sporadically <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/cambridge-handbook-of-personal-relationships/loneliness-and-social-isolation/246AFB3CA8837959725B67497331E0A8">are less effective</a>.</p>
<p>Some people may benefit from joining support groups designed for people subject to stigma based on identity or life events, such as <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6841046/">LGBTQI</a> or health recovery groups. </p>
<p>Some groups help deal with the stigma of feeling lonely. This includes shared activity groups where people talk “shoulder to shoulder” rather than face to face, such as <a href="https://hivelife.com/australian-mens-shed-association/">Men’s Sheds</a>.</p>
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<p>Groups focused on education, shared discussion, or exercise are particularly good for <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24575725/">friendship and alleviating loneliness among older people</a>.</p>
<p>While online options abound for connecting, it’s important to avoid activities which increase loneliness, such as <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07421222.2014.1001282">passive scrolling</a>, unsolicited broadcasting, or <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1745691617713052?journalCode=ppsa">escapist substituting of digital communities for physical ones</a>.</p>
<p>Interactive online contact and online groups that <a href="https://theconversation.com/does-social-media-make-us-more-or-less-lonely-depends-on-how-you-use-it-128468">help us organise in-person catch ups</a> (such as WhatsApp, Facebook or Meetup) are more effective.</p>
<h2>Beating emotional loneliness</h2>
<p>To beat emotional loneliness, the focus should be on deepening existing relationships.</p>
<p>It’s essential to spend high quality, meaningful time with a few good quality friends (or even one).</p>
<p>It might mean repairing damage, and <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-05-10/coronavirus-and-reflection-how-to-restore-a-friendship/12229750">apologising in a considered and respectful manner</a> if you did or said something wrong. </p>
<p>Sometimes it just requires the effort of checking in more regularly. Organisations like <a href="https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask">RUOK</a> provide sensitive, step-by-step suggestions on how to do this.</p>
<p>Online contact and videoconferencing can help maintain intimate partner and family connections, as it did during lockdown. It’s particularly helpful for <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21069600/">older people</a> and <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-14727-003">migrants</a>, but less so for younger people <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24321573/">already saturated in online social media</a> connections.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="One elderly man comforting another" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/436868/original/file-20211210-23-txf7t8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">It’s crucial for our health and well-being to spend deep, meaningful time with close friends.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Some people may also need help from a professional psychologist, counsellor, or support group to process increased social anxiety, particularly after COVID lockdown.</p>
<p><a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2019-62767-001">Such support</a> can reduce emotional loneliness by helping us process social situations more positively and <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/cambridge-handbook-of-personal-relationships/loneliness-and-social-isolation/246AFB3CA8837959725B67497331E0A8">be more realistic (and less anxious) about our friendship options</a>. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/dont-be-fooled-loneliness-affects-men-too-15545">Don't be fooled, loneliness affects men too</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Ending wrong or ‘toxic’ friendships</h2>
<p>In <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/news-how-to-rekindle-friendships-after-covid-19-5179635">reflecting on our friendships</a>, we may decide to end any that have become particularly toxic.</p>
<p>Where possible, we should be kind, explain this, and avoid ghosting, as this can be <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much">highly traumatic to those who are ghosted</a> and de-sensitise us to others’ feelings if we do it regularly.</p>
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<p>Before doing so, we should be careful we don’t just need a break to rebuild energy and habits of interactions.</p>
<p>We should be especially careful with <a href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-on-the-ending-of-a-friendship-121627">ending long-term friendships</a>. Quality relationships take time, shared history, and involve natural ups and downs – especially in a pandemic. We should look to renegotiate rather than end them wherever possible.</p>
<p>Take time, and seek counselling or another friend’s advice. Since listening is key to friendship, maybe ask yourself – have you heard everything they’re trying to say?</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/172853/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Roger Patulny does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Friendship networks shrank during lockdowns. As we re-engage, how do we get our old friends back? And which do we want back?Roger Patulny, Associate Professor of Sociology, University of WollongongLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1073622019-01-07T19:15:16Z2019-01-07T19:15:16ZAdolescence can be awkward. Here’s how parents can help their child make and maintain good friendships<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251851/original/file-20181221-103670-16ix8s3.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Parental role-modelling, encouragement and seeking support from the school can help make the awkward bits of making friends as a teen easier.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">www.shutterstock.com</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Secondary school can be a lonely place for adolescents who don’t have a best friend or a group of trusted friends. Young people will be more skilled in the art of making genuine friends (and keeping them) if they know how to be assertive, are optimistic about life, have some basic social skills and have a relationship with a parent/carer that includes honest talk.</p>
<h2>Friendship troubles</h2>
<p>Secondary school, in particular the junior secondary years, coincides with a time in life when young people are pushing new <a href="https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/family-life/routines-rituals-rules/family-rules">social and family boundaries</a>. The transition to secondary school is especially demanding as once dependent kids become more independent in a new schooling order of new routines, new teachers, and new friends. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/how-parents-and-teachers-can-identify-and-help-young-people-self-medicating-trauma-with-drugs-and-alcohol-104482">How parents and teachers can identify and help young people self-medicating trauma with drugs and alcohol</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Young people can be cruel and unkind to each other and to adults in this stage of life. Being <a href="https://bullyingnoway.gov.au/RespondingToBullying/HowAustralianSchoolsRespond">bullied</a>, teased and left out are <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02667363.2014.915209">signs of friendship troubles</a>. Understandably, victims of bullying <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11218-017-9372-3">feel less positive</a> about the school environment.</p>
<h2>Be assertive, not aggressive</h2>
<p>Being assertive can help young people in not only sticking up for themselves, but it can also communicate to others a sense of self-assuredness. An assertive way of speaking and being can make young people attractive and more popular with peers. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html">Assertiveness</a> involves polite but firm talk, eye contact, and controlled behaviour. It’s not to be confused with aggression which often takes the form of a raised voice, insults, put-downs and greedy behaviour. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251853/original/file-20181221-103641-1wfwl3c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251853/original/file-20181221-103641-1wfwl3c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=384&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251853/original/file-20181221-103641-1wfwl3c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=384&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251853/original/file-20181221-103641-1wfwl3c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=384&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251853/original/file-20181221-103641-1wfwl3c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=483&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251853/original/file-20181221-103641-1wfwl3c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=483&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251853/original/file-20181221-103641-1wfwl3c.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=483&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Good and assertive communication goes a long way.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>One way adults can foster assertiveness in young people is to encourage it in the safe environment of the home. Young people can practice assertive language and behaviour when they explain to siblings that their room is not a public thoroughfare, when they defend their right to use the bathroom by themselves but in a timely way, when they argue they need quiet and time alone to complete homework. </p>
<h2>Optimism can lead to success</h2>
<p>Grief and tears about friendships are inevitable in the secondary school years. At some stage, your child is likely to come home either sullen, withdrawn, crying or moody. They may even experience <a href="https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/kidsfamilies/youth/Documents/forum-speaker-presentations/2017/school-refusal-parent-handout.pdf">school refusal</a>, which is when they refuse, or are reluctant about going to school. </p>
<p>An adolescent who has a positive mindset is more likely to bounce back into the usual routines of friendships. When a young person has a positive mindset, they tend to see setbacks and troubles as temporary. They identify them for what they are (specific, time-related issues) rather than for what they are not (global and eternal). </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251854/original/file-20181221-103670-1vmxdyi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251854/original/file-20181221-103670-1vmxdyi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251854/original/file-20181221-103670-1vmxdyi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251854/original/file-20181221-103670-1vmxdyi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251854/original/file-20181221-103670-1vmxdyi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251854/original/file-20181221-103670-1vmxdyi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251854/original/file-20181221-103670-1vmxdyi.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Encouraging your child to talk about themselves positively at home can help them bounce back when things go wrong.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>That is to say, positive kids are more likely to identify a specific and reasoned account of friendship troubles (“Sally was mean to me today because she was in a terrible mood”) rather than a global and exaggerated account (“Sally is mean, she has always hated me”). </p>
<p>You can foster a positive mindset in your child by modelling and encouraging positive self-talk in the home. Expect your child to be looking forward to something each day at school. That might be catching up with friends, a particular class in school or even an exam or test!</p>
<h2>Social skills and being genuine</h2>
<p>Adolescents are more likely to fit in and make friendships if they are seen to be socially acceptable by their peers. Ask yourself if your child is comfortable with, and knows how to enter a group situation and greet friends. Does your adolescent mix with friends in the schoolyard during breaks? Does your child talk about their friendships at home? How many of your child’s friends do you know well? </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/popular-friends-on-social-media-can-help-save-you-from-disasters-37056">Popular friends on social media can help save you from disasters</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Poor social skills can lead to <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10964-016-0461-y">increased loneliness</a> in adolescents.</p>
<p>Being cool is a strong driver for secondary students. But being authentic is even more appealing. Adolescents <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201503/the-7-habits-truly-genuine-people">recognise and appreciate</a> genuine and authentic people – even if the peer is a bit quirky and seen as an outsider. It’s also a good idea to make contact with teachers at your child’s school to ask about their perceptions of how your child mixes socially with their peers.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251852/original/file-20181221-103641-16qbu01.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251852/original/file-20181221-103641-16qbu01.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251852/original/file-20181221-103641-16qbu01.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251852/original/file-20181221-103641-16qbu01.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251852/original/file-20181221-103641-16qbu01.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251852/original/file-20181221-103641-16qbu01.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251852/original/file-20181221-103641-16qbu01.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Teens who have positive relationships with the adults in their life are more likely to have good relationships with their peers.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">from www.shutterstock.com</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Healthy relationships with adults</h2>
<p>Children who have good and healthy relationships with adults are more likely to have good and healthy relationships with their peers. So, it’s important for you to foster a supportive relationship with your child. Try to be an encouraging parent who really listens to your child’s concerns. Your child will not expect you to have all the answers. </p>
<p>But it’s likely a <a href="https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/communicating-relationships">listening ear and a measured and moderate response</a> will be welcomed by your adolescent child. If your child perceives you to be fair, that will go a long way to establishing a solid relationship between adult and child. In turn, it will increase the chance your child will have good relationships with his or her peers.</p>
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<em>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/nice-guys-finish-first-empathetic-boys-attract-more-close-female-friends-60783">Nice guys finish first: empathetic boys attract more close female friends</a>
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<p>Adolescence can be tricky to navigate from a parent’s perspective. Making and maintaining healthy friendships is just one battle of the teenage years. Parental role-modelling, encouragement and seeking support from the school can make this aspect of the adolescent years rewarding and fruitful for many years to come.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/107362/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Michael Chambers does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Navigating friendships as a teen can be hard. Parents can help by modelling good behaviour and making sure their teen feels they can talk to them about their friendships.Michael Chambers, Lecturer, School of Education (Qld), Australian Catholic UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/897962018-01-11T10:09:01Z2018-01-11T10:09:01ZFive things to think about when choosing a school for your child<p>In today’s educational climate of league tables, exam results and Ofsted reports, many parents may believe this is all the information needed to decide which school to select for their child. </p>
<p>But while it is easy to see how schools are judged by their exam results, there <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01425690701837513">is a wealth</a> of <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17457823.2015.1085323">evidence</a> that highlights the damaging effects of high stakes testing cultures in schools – and how this impacts children’s learning identities. </p>
<p>It can be misleading, then, to see schooling as being solely about achieving the best grades. Particularly as <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09620214.2012.737688">my research</a> shows that for children, the most important aspect of school life are the relationships they build with their friends and teachers. </p>
<p>For children, secure friendships sustained over time are closely associated with feelings of confidence and self-worth. They also allow children to better adjust to school and form positive school values. But as many parents are aware, young children may, as one <a href="https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/328799-do-preschool-friends-stick-together-in-reception-classes">Mumsnet subscriber put it</a>, “change best friends about five hundred times in their first couple of terms”. In this way, the ups and downs of friendships can also cause a lot of issues for children (and parents). This had led some schools to take the controversial measure of <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/10031299/Children-shouldnt-have-best-friends-private-school-head-argues.html">banning best friends</a> – which happened at Prince George’s new school.</p>
<p>But social psychologists such as Brett Laursen, have spoken out <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/fashion/17BFF.html">against such policies, arguing that</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>We [should] want children to get good at leading close friendships, not superficial ones.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>And given that close peer friendships nurtured through adolescence encourage children’s social development and help them to build other significant relationships, it is clear that the friendships children make in school, can have a long and lasting impact. So with this in mind, here are some things to look out for when making a visit to a prospective school.</p>
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<h2>1. Talk the talk</h2>
<p>Talk with the headteacher and senior management team. Get a sense of how you experience them as role models and ethos setters. See how they interact with the staff and children. Do they know children as individuals and understand their backgrounds, and do they know children’s names? These are all important things to look out for when you are visiting a prospective school, and can quickly give you a sense of how the school is run and the priorities in place.</p>
<h2>2. Pick up on the vibes</h2>
<p><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Educational-Binds-Poverty-Routledge-Education/dp/0415719399">Research has shown</a> there is a <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1080/01411920701243628/full">general difference between girls’ and boys’</a> friendship groups. Boys are more likely to form extended social groups where status is gained through the denigration of other groups with differing social values. Girls, on the other hand, tend to form close one to one alliances – where social exclusion (often accompanied by a high degree of emotion) is <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0954025910030204?journalCode=cgee20">more likely to happen within the group</a>.</p>
<p>With this in mind, see how the children interact with peers and adults in the classroom. Think about what the atmosphere is like and if the children work in a purposeful way. Do they cooperate with each other? It’s also worth looking at classroom grouping practices and consider to what extent girls and boys are encouraged to work together or if activities are segregated by gender.</p>
<h2>3. Stay for playtime</h2>
<p>It’s worth sticking around for break time, too, as this can give you a real sense of how children are able to interact on their own terms. This is highly important, because <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14733280500037224?journalCode=cchg20">recent research</a> has highlighted the importance of “place” in shaping children’s experience of school. In this way, the emotional attachment and responses children form to key parts of the school – such as the playground – can play an important role in building a sense of belonging and learner identity. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/201359/original/file-20180109-36009-12utys1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/201359/original/file-20180109-36009-12utys1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=396&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/201359/original/file-20180109-36009-12utys1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=396&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/201359/original/file-20180109-36009-12utys1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=396&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/201359/original/file-20180109-36009-12utys1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=498&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/201359/original/file-20180109-36009-12utys1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=498&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/201359/original/file-20180109-36009-12utys1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=498&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Watch how the children play together.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
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<h2>4. The laws of friendship</h2>
<p>As friendships and relationships can strongly influence a child’s sense of both inclusion and exclusion at school, give careful consideration to how a school provides for the emotional and social well-being of their pupils. See if you can get a sense of how the school deals with friendships and relationships and how teachers respond to children’s friendship difficulties. Are children working together and playing together, taking turns and sharing? It is also worth asking about the school’s key mission statement and philosophy for learning, and what resources back these up.</p>
<h2>5. Look to the walls</h2>
<p>Look at wall displays in the school, because these will give a good indication of how values are practised. Are they child-led and centred? Is there evidence that displays like a “wall of honour”, or “values ambassadors”, are not just a “tick-box” exercise, but are used in a meaningful way to acknowledge where children have practised social and moral values that are promoted at school?</p>
<p>A school that makes provision for learning how to “do friendships and relationships” can be instrumental in teaching important life and social lessons to children – and ultimately may be more likely to be a place where your child can reach their full potential.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/89796/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Ceri Brown received funding from the ESRC (2008-2011 Open competition doctoral scholarship). 2010 I was part of a research team who received funding from The National College for Leadership of Schools and Children's Services. I do not currently receive any external funding.</span></em></p>Research shows that for children, the most important aspect of school life are the relationships they build with their friends and teachers.Ceri Brown, Lecturer in Education, University of BathLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/727842017-02-12T01:19:52Z2017-02-12T01:19:52ZWhy you should date your best friend<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156404/original/image-20170210-23337-uiov1m.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=23%2C115%2C590%2C452&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Bestie + Lover = Relationship Nirvana?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/aspaonline/16672454745">Aspa</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=853&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=853&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=853&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1072&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1072&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156405/original/image-20170210-23321-ydohl5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1072&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">One person fills two roles.</span>
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<p>Being someone’s BFF is a big deal – you don’t hand over the other half of your “Best Friends” necklace to just anyone. Having a romantic partner who is also your best friend potentially sounds perfect. With your BFF as your romantic partner, you get the best of both worlds, someone with whom you can laugh, share your life and cuddle. When you look at seemingly happy celebrity couples like Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, or Leslie Mann and Judd Apatow, not only do they appear to be in love, but they also seem to genuinely enjoy hanging out together.</p>
<p>How many people feel as though they have attained that type of ideal? And do psychologists confirm this new paradigm is a good one to strive for? I enlisted the help of <a href="https://www.monmouth.edu/polling-institute/">Monmouth University Polling Institute</a> to investigate.</p>
<h2>How many have two-in-one relationships?</h2>
<p>To help figure out how many best-friend couples are out there, we asked 801 adults across the United States the <a href="https://www.monmouth.edu/polling-institute/reports/MonmouthPoll_US_020917/">following question</a>: “Do you consider your partner to be your best friend or do you call somebody else your best friend?”</p>
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<p>Among adults currently in a romantic relationship, the vast majority (83 percent) considered their current partner to be their best friend. For those who are currently married, the rate was even higher. Men and women had similar rates, while younger respondents were slightly less likely than older respondents to view their partner as their best friend.</p>
<p>The overall numbers from this recent poll <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407593103011">dwarf the earlier reported rate of best-friend romantic partners</a>. In a 1993 study, only 44 percent of college students indicated their romantic partner was also their best bud. The difference in best-friend/love rates – almost doubling over the past 20 years – could just be an artifact of the published research’s college student sample.</p>
<p>But expectations for modern relationships have evolved in the intervening years. Compared to previous generations, today’s heterosexual men and women are more accustomed to thinking of each other as friends on equal footing, even outside of the romantic realm. Once a romantic couple forms, we’re more likely to look for more <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=O9hBQ_GJ6XYC&pg=PA64&lpg=PA64#v=onepage&q&f=false">egalitarian splits of power and divisions of labor</a>. We hold <a href="http://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.863723">our relationships to higher standards</a> than we have in previous decades.</p>
<p>In particular, couples now expect their relationships to promote personal growth and help individuals fulfill their own goals. For example, your partner should help you become a better person by teaching you new things like how to make the perfect creme brulee, taking you places like the cool new trampoline park and opening your eyes to new perspectives such as the benefits of eating a more vegetarian-based diet. Although this expectation for growth could conceivably place an unwieldy burden on your relationship, researchers believe that <a href="http://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.878683">modern relationships are up to the task</a>. In fact, the idea that a relationship can help an individual become a better person, <a href="https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=wUcGAQAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA90&dq=The+self+expansion+model+of+motivation+and+cognition+in+close+relationships.&ots=Y9AFoA14oe&sig=KEDm0E2v5GYma63XPgJ-bcdwiRw#v=onepage&q=The%20self%20expansion%20model%20of%20motivation%20and%20cognition%20in%20close%20relationships.&f=false">a phenomenon that researchers call self-expansion</a>, is a useful one; relationships that provide more expansion are also of higher quality.</p>
<p>In order to hit all these self-improvement targets, you may need more from a spouse or romantic partner than was expected in years past – and a partner who is also your best friend may be a step in the right direction.</p>
<p>To see if those who consider their partner their best friend also expect more from them, the Monmouth University Poll asked, “For an ideal relationship, how much should you expect your partner to help you grow and expand as a person?” Our poll results indicated generally high expectations overall, and individuals with best-friend romantic partners expected a bit more from them.</p>
<p>Of course, while individuals can expect more, that won’t automatically translate into better results. Think of it this way: Simply because you want more from your job, it doesn’t guarantee you’re going to get what you want. </p>
<h2>Are best-friend partners better partners?</h2>
<p>We wanted to see if these best-friend romances were really better. To do that, we asked poll respondents, “How satisfied are you with your current relationship – extremely, very, somewhat, not too, or not at all satisfied?” We then compared those who said their partner was their best friend to those who responded it was someone else.</p>
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<p>Those who considered their partner their best friend were indeed much more satisfied in their relationship than those who didn’t. This finding is consistent with research showing that relationships with more companionate love – based on friendship, feelings of affection, comfort and shared interests – <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407513515618">last longer</a> and are <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407594111002">more satisfying</a>. In fact, companionate love is more closely associated with relationship satisfaction <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-682X.1998.tb00459.x">than is passionate love</a> – the type of romantic love based on intense feelings of attraction and preoccupation with one’s partner.</p>
<p>Other research shows that those in <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00066.x">friendship-based love relationships</a> feel they have a highly likable partner, and that shared companionship is an important part of the love. A study of 622 married individuals revealed that those with higher scores on the friendship-based love scale also reported more relationship satisfaction, greater perceived importance of the relationship, greater respect for their spouse, and felt closer to their spouse. More recently, across two studies with nearly 400 participants in relationships, those who place <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512453009">more value on the friendship aspect</a> of their relationship also report more commitment, more love and greater sexual gratification. In addition, valuing friendship also decreased the chances of the couple breaking up. Best-friend love is starting to sound better and better.</p>
<p>All of these benefits are backed up by accounts from a special type of relationship expert: <a href="http://connection.ebscohost.com/c/articles/49838503/marriages-made-last">couples who’ve been happily married for over 15 years</a>. When researchers asked over 350 of these couples about their secret to relationship success and longevity, what was the number one reason? Simple: their partner was their best friend. The second most common response was liking their spouse as a person, another key facet of friendship-based love. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/156429/original/image-20170211-23347-gkj6j.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Why you like someone as a friend may be what makes them a great romantic partner.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/senior-couple-playing-computer-games-280358012?src=8Jwf2h2q-T2YAFoNssFHYQ-1-9">Couple image via www.shutterstock.com.</a></span>
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<h2>Why are best-friend partners so beneficial?</h2>
<p>These findings demonstrating the benefits of dating or marrying your best friend make perfect sense when you consider the <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00173.x">type of relationship best friends share</a>. Friends enjoy spending time together, share similar interests, take care of each other, trust each other and feel a lasting bond between them. It isn’t a coincidence that these all happen to be <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0265407507081451">qualities that also define successful intimate relationships</a>.</p>
<p>By recognizing the parallels between best friends and romantic partners, you can benefit from holding both types of relationships to the same standards. All too often it seems individuals are overly forgiving of a relationship partner’s bad behavior, when they would never accept similar behaviors from a friend. For example, if your friend was mean, rude, perpetually grumpy, nagging, dishonest, argumentative, emotionally unstable, ignored your texts, called you names or didn’t want to have meaningful conversations with you, would you still want to be friends? If not, it’s fair to hold similar expectations for your romantic partner. Take the time to find a romantic partner who truly is your best friend. </p>
<p>To be clear, the argument here isn’t that you should try to convert an existing best friend into a romantic partner. You may not want to run the risk of compromising that friendship, anyway. Rather, the data here point out the importance of your romantic partner also being one of your best friends. </p>
<p>Ultimately, the best way to have true love forever may be to be best friends forever first.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72784/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Looking for a lifelong Valentine? Psychologists suggest taking a closer look at your best friend. The things we want in a good friend are many of the same things we expect from a romantic partner.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Chair and Professor of Psychology, Monmouth UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.