tag:theconversation.com,2011:/us/topics/attachment-parenting-2995/articlesAttachment parenting – The Conversation2023-11-29T13:39:59Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2175082023-11-29T13:39:59Z2023-11-29T13:39:59ZGentle parenting can be really hard on parents, new research suggests<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/560821/original/file-20231121-24-2jty9e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Gentle parents often feel overwhelmed and alone, researchers found. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/mother-with-headache-daughter-in-background-royalty-free-image/151083021">Jamie Grill/The Image Bank/Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Are you a gentle parent? If so, chances are good that, just like your children, you may need a nap.</p>
<p>The idea of gentle parenting has been around <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/10636-000">since the 1930s</a> but received increased attention over the past few years on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/mommacusses/">social media</a> and <a href="https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/this-gentle-parenting-stuff-sure-isnt-easy">blogs</a>, as well as in popular <a href="https://uk.bookshop.org/shop/sarahockwellsmithauthor">books</a>, <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/books/under-review/the-harsh-realm-of-gentle-parenting">magazines</a> and <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2022/11/29/gentle-parenting-child-development/">newspapers</a>.</p>
<p>Despite its growing popularity, what remains unclear is what, exactly, this parenting style entails. Parenting author and self-described “gentle parenting” founder <a href="https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/04/18/what-is-gentle-parenting/">Sarah Ockwell-Smith</a> has described gentle parenting as “a way of being” and “a mindset,” with “an emphasis on your child’s feelings.” But does it mean no yelling? No punishment? How is it different from other established approaches to parenting? Is it good for kids? Equally important: Is it good for parents?</p>
<p>To explore what this gentle parenting movement is all about, my fellow family studies professor <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=-LGWgsgAAAAJ&hl=en">Alice Davidson</a> <a href="https://www.macalester.edu/psychology/facultystaff/annie-pezalla/">and I</a> gathered data from over 100 parents across the country with at least one child between the ages of 2 and 7. We asked these parents to tell us how they reared their kids, how they were reared by their own parents and how they respond when their child misbehaves. We also asked if they identified as a “gentle parent.” For those who saw themselves as “gentle parents,” we asked them: What do you mean?</p>
<p>These preliminary findings, which will be submitted soon for publication, should be interpreted with caution since the diversity of our sample was limited.</p>
<h2>An internet phenomenon</h2>
<p>About half our sample identified as “gentle parents.” Those who identified as gentle parents were almost all white – 84% – and highly educated. The one diverse aspect of their profile was their age. Participants ranged from 32 to 51 years old, including both Gen Xers and millennials.</p>
<p>When asked how they were reared as children, these participants described their parents in simplistic ways, with terms such as “confrontational” and “reactive.” In contrast, when asked to describe their own parenting, they used 50% more adjectives, including terms such as “affectionate,” “conscious,” “accepting” and, of course, “gentle.” </p>
<p>There was, overall, a theme within these parents’ responses that they would do a better job at parenting than their own parents did with them. In open-ended responses, some participants stated this goal plainly. One father replied: “[My approach to parenting is to] do the opposite of my parents. No spanking or physical punishment.” Perhaps gentle parenting is more than just a parenting style – it’s also a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations.</p>
<p>Shifts in generational approaches to parenting are not new, from the <a href="https://www.thisamericanlife.org/317/unconditional-love">behaviorist movement</a> of the 1920s – Don’t hug your kid! – to the <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/08/the-perils-of-attachment-parenting/375198/">attachment parenting of the 1990s</a> – Always hug your kid! – to the more contemporary <a href="https://theconversation.com/free-range-kids-why-a-childs-freedom-to-travel-and-play-without-adult-supervision-matters-132243">free-range parenting movement</a> of the 21st century – Where is my kid?</p>
<p>Each movement is a reaction to the evolution of parenting scholarship. Yet the embrace of gentle parenting advice seems unique in that, despite its <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/tag/gentleparenting">popularity on social media</a>, it is not born of scholarship. Child development researchers have not followed these families to determine the extent to which this approach to child rearing is good for either kids or parents.</p>
<p>Attempting to find a common definition, we analyzed these parents’ open-ended responses that described what “gentle parenting” means to them. For most, gentle parenting was primarily about staying calm in challenging moments with their kids.</p>
<p><div data-react-class="TiktokEmbed" data-react-props="{"url":"https://www.tiktok.com/@will_rogers_is_your_dad/video/7241575056256683306?is_from_webapp=1\u0026sender_device=pc\u0026web_id=7284042002567808543"}"></div></p>
<p>A 42-year-old mother of a 3-year-old only child wrote that gentle parenting meant “having a moderate reaction – never getting too alarmed or being too permissive, always monitoring and adjusting expectations to the needs of the child and environment.” A 35-year-old mother of 6-year-old twins wrote that gentle parenting meant “trying not to yell, trying very hard to manage my own feelings so that I don’t hurt their feelings.” These parents are working hard to keep their cool. </p>
<h2>‘Hanging on for dear life’</h2>
<p>A secondary theme of gentle parenting among the parents we surveyed was about validating their kid’s big feelings. Picture a kid having a meltdown at the mall. Sometimes this validation involved parents labeling an emotion: “I see you are very angry right now.” Or they might allow their kid to freely emote: “We sit with the feeling.” Often it involved giving affection: “I ask them if they want a hug.” </p>
<p>These parents were also extraordinarily well versed in parenting literature. Many quoted bestselling author Becky Kennedy’s <a href="https://www.goodinside.com/book/">Good Inside</a> parenting manual or referenced philosophies from world-renowned early childhood educator <a href="https://magdagerber.org/magdas-writings/">Magda Gerber</a> in their responses. They used nuanced terms such as “hand-in-hand,” “gentle rein” and “conscious” to describe their parenting. They had all done their homework on how to be an excellent gentle parent. </p>
<p>Yet we noted two troubling themes in these parents’ responses. First, none of them mentioned raising their children with help from their friends, family or community. </p>
<p>Second, many of them acknowledged, without prompting, that they were struggling to feel competent. When asked to describe her parenting approach, a 36-year-old mother of two children under 5 reflected that she often feels like she “has nothing to give” and gets “easily overstimulated and overwhelmed all day every day.” She ended her reflections with the simple confession: “I often feel out of control.”</p>
<p>She wasn’t alone in those sentiments. Here are some others:</p>
<ul>
<li>“I’m hanging on for dear life.”</li>
<li>“I try to be gentle, but it can be challenging working full time and being stressed and having little support.”</li>
<li>“I confess I have no idea what I’m doing much of the time.”</li>
</ul>
<p>Over 40% of our “gentle parents” provided these sorts of confessions, illuminating a clear message: They are often not so gentle with themselves. They were frequently exhausted, uncertain, hard on themselves and lonely.</p>
<h2>More harm than good?</h2>
<p>We are currently expanding our sample with the goal of recruiting a much more diverse group of parents – not only in race or ethnicity but also in education level. We want to test whether this gentle parenting phenomenon is primarily limited to highly educated white parents. We also plan to follow these families over time to explore the sustainability of this gentle parenting approach and to see how their kids are doing. We wonder: Will the kids of gentle parents show the same sort of emotional restraint as their parents? Or will these children only build in the emotional control they wield over their parents?</p>
<p>Until we analyze that data, our message to these parents is short and sweet: Go easy on yourselves. Also, go ahead and take that nap.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/217508/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Annie Pezalla does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The gentle parenting movement has exploded in popularity on social media. But is it good for kids or parents?Annie Pezalla, Visiting Assistant Professor of Psychology, Macalester CollegeLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1646782021-08-10T12:25:30Z2021-08-10T12:25:30Z5 tips from a play therapist to help kids express themselves and unwind<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/414668/original/file-20210804-21-428pnh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=8%2C0%2C5982%2C3970&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Fantasy play, painting, playing made-up games and building with blocks are a few examples of free play. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/nurse-hans-bossan-plays-with-his-daughter-after-his-shift-news-photo/1219235004">Mauro Pimentel/AFP via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>As many children go back to school after 18 months of global pandemic, social isolation and on-and-off remote learning, they too are feeling the additional stress and uncertainty of these times. </p>
<p>Children need play to decompress and communicate in ways that are meaningful to them. Play is how they <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Play-Therapy-The-Art-of-the-Relationship/Landreth/p/book/9780415886819">express themselves, process their day and solve problems</a>. It’s essential for their <a href="https://www.doi.org/10.1542/peds.2007-2825">social, emotional, creative and cognitive well-being</a>. Play helps teach them self-regulation, boundary setting and decision-making.</p>
<p>As a licensed clinical mental health counselor and registered <a href="https://sc.edu/study/colleges_schools/education/faculty-staff/guest_jessie.php">play therapist and supervisor</a>, I spend a lot of my time helping people understand children. I show adults how to see the world through kids’ eyes and how to engage them on their level. </p>
<p>After so much isolation and increased demands on parents and families during the COVID-19 pandemic, I believe now is an important time for parents and caregivers to increase their understanding of, communication with and connection to their children – through play. </p>
<h2>Structured vs. unstructured play</h2>
<p>There are two main types of play that provide cognitive and emotional benefits for kids – structured play and unstructured play, or free play. </p>
<p>Structured play – such as board games, puzzles and individual or team sports – involves instructions and follows a set of rules. An objective or purpose of the play is established. Structured play <a href="https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-019-40234-0">helps children learn</a> to manage their emotions, take turns, follow rules and deal with feelings of frustration as well as feelings of success.</p>
<p>Unstructured play, also called free play, encourages children to do what interests them without adult direction. It doesn’t require an outcome or product. Unstructured play allows the child’s brain to <a href="https://doi.org/10.22230/ijepl.2011v6n8a306">recover from a highly structured school day and provides a sense of freedom</a>. It fosters <a href="https://usplaycoalition.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Need-for-Recess-2019-FINAL-for-web.pdf">problem-solving, resilience and creativity</a>, and gives kids time and space to make sense of their experiences. Examples of unstructured or free play include fantasy play, painting, playing made-up games with others and building with blocks. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Mother plays with daughter in sand at beach" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/414673/original/file-20210804-15-1wu2lxy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/414673/original/file-20210804-15-1wu2lxy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/414673/original/file-20210804-15-1wu2lxy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/414673/original/file-20210804-15-1wu2lxy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/414673/original/file-20210804-15-1wu2lxy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/414673/original/file-20210804-15-1wu2lxy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/414673/original/file-20210804-15-1wu2lxy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Free play lets children process their experiences and emotions from the day or week.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/bobo-chan-and-her-daughter-shelbie-play-at-a-beach-where-news-photo/1231404621">Anthony Kwan/Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Free play tips</h2>
<p>Although free play is child-led, parents can engage with their child during this time. Here are five tips based on Sue Bratton and Garly Landreth’s <a href="https://cpt.unt.edu/cprt-101-handouts14345">child-parent relationship therapy</a>, which uses play to build stronger and healthier parent-child attachment.</p>
<p><strong>1. Get on their level</strong></p>
<p>Create a space on the floor with some of their toys or join them in their play area. Sit on the ground with them. Let them know that this is their “special play time.” This time is special because the parent is engaging with the child in a very different way than other interactions throughout the day. </p>
<p><strong>2. Allow the child to lead</strong></p>
<p>Allow the child to direct the play. If asked what to play, try responding, “You get to decide what we play today.” </p>
<p><strong>3. Show interest</strong></p>
<p>Parents can do this by providing feedback. State what you see your child is doing without any notion of acceptance or approval: “You’re playing with the doll” or “You’re coloring that red.” Repeat back what your child says: “Cars go fast” or “Yellow is your sister’s favorite color.” Reflect the feelings that your child is expressing: “You feel happy when your car wins” or “You’re mad when you lose the race.” This type of responding illustrates the parent’s engagement without taking over the play.</p>
<p><strong>4. Set limits and boundaries</strong></p>
<p>Play that is child-led does not mean the child can break toys or hurt themselves or others. Sometimes the parent may need to step in and set a limit if the child’s behavior becomes destructive or harmful. Be sure to validate the feeling the child is exhibiting and provide another option for that behavior. For example: “You are mad right now, but people aren’t for hitting. You can hit the stuffed animal instead.” </p>
<p><strong>5. Be consistent</strong></p>
<p>Children <a href="https://www.doi.org/10.1007/s10560-020-00648-6">thrive on stability</a> and consistency. Try to implement the “special play time” each week for about 30 minutes and use a timer to ensure the amount of play time is consistent and your child is prepared for the ending. This special play time should take place regardless of behavior and should not be used as a punishment or reward. </p>
<p>[<em>Get the best of The Conversation, every weekend.</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters/weekly-highlights-61?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=weeklybest">Sign up for our weekly newsletter</a>.]</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/164678/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jessie D. Guest does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Children use play to express themselves and process their emotions. Here’s how parents can make the most of play time together.Jessie D. Guest, Professor of Play Therapy, University of South CarolinaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1332802020-03-30T09:06:20Z2020-03-30T09:06:20ZBonding with baby: what it should feel like and how long it may take<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/320144/original/file-20200312-111268-18os20i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">By six months, the vast majority of parents have bonded with their baby.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/parents-sitting-on-sofa-cuddling-baby-562380934">Monkey Business Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>We often assume that giving birth triggers immediate feelings of joy and unconditional love that last a lifetime. But after a long and painful delivery, not every parent feels immediately attracted to the wrinkled and crying newborn who desperately wants to get back into the womb. If this sounds shocking, it may be because a social stigma around “slow bonding” makes people reluctant to share such experiences.</p>
<p>While many parents really do experience the birth of their baby as a major and happy life event, some have an immediate reaction of wishing it had never have happened. And a large proportion of parents will fall somewhere in between, perhaps having simultaneous feelings of wonder and anxiety or even frustration. But what is normal and what constitutes a problem? And what can you do to increase your chances of successful bonding?</p>
<p>Parent-infant bonding is often confused with <a href="https://theconversation.com/parenting-practices-around-the-world-are-diverse-and-not-all-about-attachment-111281">infant-parent attachment</a>. Bonding is the parental feeling of being connected with the infant, experiencing a sense of unconditional love and closeness. Attachment, on the other hand, describes the infant’s need to be close to a protective caregiver. Both develop gradually during the first year of life, based on a biological preparedness and the experience of frequent interactions.</p>
<p>False beliefs about bonding proliferate on social media and the internet, often under the umbrella of “<a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/05/what-everyones-missing-in-the-attachment-parenting-debate/257918/">attachment parenting</a>” – suggesting that, for example, early skin-to-skin contact is indispensable for bonding, or that <a href="https://bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12884-019-2264-0">breastfeeding</a> and <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/298427230_Parent-child_bed-sharing_The_good_the_bad_and_the_burden_of_evidence">co-sleeping</a> would be needed – or even the female gender. </p>
<p>But research on infants adopted at around six months after birth demonstrates that bonding within the first few weeks or even months is <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2009-02007-019">not necessary for a secure attachment</a> between the infant and a mother or father to emerge. Nevertheless, pregnancy, delivery and breastfeeding might help the human mind to prepare for the new parental responsibilities.</p>
<h2>How common is slow bonding?</h2>
<p>The fact that bonding is an ongoing process rather than a bolt of lightening that hits you once and for all can perhaps explain the fact that people have such different experiences. The number of parents who report not falling in love immediately with their newborn varies, but it <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1046/j.1523-536X.2001.00274.x">can be between 25% and 35%</a> depending on definition and type of measure. </p>
<p>But even if bonding can take time, it normally happens for all parents eventually. According to a recent Scandinavian survey, at six months after birth, only about 4% of the mothers and 5.5% of the fathers <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3109/03009734.2016.1143540">showed “impaired bonding”</a> (“slow” is a better word).</p>
<p>So what helps parents bond? When women get pregnant, they experience huge hormonal changes. Their oxytocin levels <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3902863/">increase during pregnancy</a>, and peak around childbirth and when breastfeeding. A first effect of oxytocin is that it is relaxing and makes us forget painful experiences – which is rather welcome after giving birth.</p>
<p>But oxytocin also affects the salience of social signals, making parents more attentive to signs that the baby is happy or distressed. In our brain scanning studies, we gave women a nose spray with oxytocin to investigate its effect further. We found that women with higher oxytocin levels had more <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21470595">connectivity between the brain’s reward centres</a> when they listened to infant laughter – suggesting they enjoyed it more than others.</p>
<p>At the same time, when listening to infant crying, oxytocin led these same women to have less activity in the amygdala, a brain region involved in anxiety, and more activity in empathy-related brain regions. Given that it takes only seconds after birth before babies cry, and around six weeks before they smile, the hormonal system helps young parents to overcome the first tiring weeks.</p>
<p>Oxytocin may also help distinguish between baby cries that need an immediate response and crying that is not urgent, but instead marks the transition from being awake to being asleep in some babies. The brains of women who sniffed oxytocin as part of our study showed less activity when we told them the cry came from a “bored baby” than when it came from a “sick baby”. Such context information, colouring the meaning of the very same cry sound, was <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24734297">better taken into account</a> when oxytocin levels were high.</p>
<p>Oxytocin also help fathers. When we asked fathers to take a sniff of it <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22544470">they played</a> in a more stimulating and sensitive way with their child. And we know that fathers’ oxytocin levels <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/323385506_Interoception_sensitivity_in_the_parental_brain_during_the_first_months_of_parenting_modulates_children's_somatic_symptoms_six_years_later_The_role_of_oxytocin">increase in the first six months</a> after the baby’s born, and go up during active play with their infants. </p>
<p>So experience helps, too. A new study has shown that the brains of parents <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/330749972_Towards_a_neural_model_of_infant_cry_perception">respond differently to infant crying</a> than the brains of non-parents – they process the sound in a more immediate and emotional way. This is in contrast with non-parents, who use more cognitive processing. Moreover, <a href="https://www.pnas.org/content/111/27/9792">one study in fathers</a> showed that connections in the brain that support caregiving increase with the number of hours they are directly responsible for infant care.</p>
<h2>Bonding support</h2>
<p>A lack of bonding <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3109/03009734.2016.1143540">is strongly associated with</a> experiencing exhaustion, burn-out, sleepless nights and postnatal depression. These are things that can mess with our brain chemistry.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/320150/original/file-20200312-111289-6c81ca.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/320150/original/file-20200312-111289-6c81ca.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=465&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/320150/original/file-20200312-111289-6c81ca.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=465&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/320150/original/file-20200312-111289-6c81ca.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=465&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/320150/original/file-20200312-111289-6c81ca.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=585&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/320150/original/file-20200312-111289-6c81ca.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=585&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/320150/original/file-20200312-111289-6c81ca.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=585&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Babies can bond with many people.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">mimagephotography/shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Raising and successfully bonding with newborns therefore requires all parents to share the workload. Mothers are in fact evolved to <a href="http://www.naturalhistorymag.com/features/09270/meet-the-alloparents?page=2">rely on the support of others</a> to raise their offspring, and children have evolved to become attached to more than one caregiver for survival in a dangerous world.</p>
<p>That means <a href="https://theconversation.com/do-mothers-really-have-stronger-bonds-with-their-children-than-fathers-do-57590">there’s no reason to assume</a> that babies can’t become attached to fathers just as easily as they can be attached to mothers. It is also an argument for societies to facilitate (slow) bonding of both mothers and fathers through paid parental leave. The majority of countries, however, <a href="https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/cdep.12347">fail to provide paid paternity leave</a>.</p>
<p>There are also tricks to speed the process up. For example, many parents <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X17300428?via%3Dihub">benefit from watching videos</a> of pleasurable experiences derived from moments of smooth interplay with their baby. Baby carriers might also be helpful to sooth a crying baby, and to strengthen parental bonding. </p>
<p>Ultimately, the birth of a baby is a major life event and bonding helps parents cope. But it is a process and can take time. A lack of initial bonding doens’t mean you have failed – the vast majority of parents successfully bond with their baby after the first few months, after they get to know her. And for anyone struggling at this point, talk to a health professional about getting support.</p>
<p>With time, practice and support to learn the new language of the baby, bonding is likely to develop – slowly but definitely.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/133280/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Marinus van IJzendoorn receives funding from the Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research (Spinoza prize). He is additionally supported by the Gravitation program of the Dutch Ministry of Education, Culture, and Science and the Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research (NWO grant number 024.001.003).</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Marian Bakermans-Kranenburg receives funding from the European Research Council (ERC AdG), and is supported by the Gravitation program of the Dutch Ministery of Education, Culture, and Science and the Netherlands Organization for Scientific Research (NWO grant number 024.001.003).. </span></em></p>Up to 35% of mothers and fathers don’t fall in love with their baby immediately.Marinus van IJzendoorn, Honorary Senior Visiting Fellow of Primary Care, University of CambridgeMarian Bakermans-Kranenburg, Professor of Clinical Child and Family Studies, Vrije Universiteit AmsterdamLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/859622017-10-29T21:57:35Z2017-10-29T21:57:35ZWhy parents should never spank children<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/192314/original/file-20171028-13298-1otacaq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">There is no research evidence that spanking improves child behaviour. On the contrary, spanking is associated with aggression, antisocial behaviour, mental health problems and negative relationships with parents.</span> </figcaption></figure><p>Spanking — usually defined as hitting a child on the buttocks with an open hand — is a <a href="http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/research/prevalence-research/">common form of discipline still used on children worldwide</a>. However, to date, spanking <a href="http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/">has been banned in 53 countries and states globally</a>. </p>
<p>The use of spanking has been hotly debated over the last several decades. Supporters state that it is safe, necessary and effective; opponents argue that spanking is harmful to children and violates their human rights to protection.</p>
<p>As two scholars with extensive research experience and clinical insight in the field of child maltreatment, and with specific expertise related to spanking, we would like to move beyond this debate. </p>
<p>The research clearly shows that spanking is related to an increased likelihood of many <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27055181">poor health, social and developmental outcomes</a>. These poor outcomes include <a href="http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-1284539.pdf">mental health problems</a>, substance use, suicide attempts and physical health conditions along with developmental, behavioural, social and cognitive problems. Equally important, there are <a href="http://www.cmaj.ca/content/early/2012/02/06/cmaj.101314">no research studies showing that spanking is beneficial for children</a>.</p>
<p>Those who say spanking is safe for a child if done in a specific way are, it would seem, simply expressing opinions. And these opinions are not supported by scientific evidence. </p>
<h2>The evidence on spanking</h2>
<p>There have now been hundreds of high-quality spanking research studies with a wide variety of samples and study designs. Over time, the quality of this research has improved to include better spanking measures and more sophisticated research designs and statistical methods. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/192139/original/file-20171026-13367-17u1xwj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/192139/original/file-20171026-13367-17u1xwj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=391&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/192139/original/file-20171026-13367-17u1xwj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=391&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/192139/original/file-20171026-13367-17u1xwj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=391&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/192139/original/file-20171026-13367-17u1xwj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=492&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/192139/original/file-20171026-13367-17u1xwj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=492&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/192139/original/file-20171026-13367-17u1xwj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=492&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Researchers can help move the debate forward by studying the impact of positive parenting interventions.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The scientific evidence from these studies has consistently shown that spanking is related to harmful outcomes for children.</p>
<p>This has been best demonstrated in two landmark meta-analyses led by Dr. Elizabeth Gershoff. The first paper, published in 2002, reviewed and analyzed 88 studies published in the 62 years prior and found that <a href="http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-1284539.pdf">physical punishment was associated with physical abuse, delinquency and antisocial behaviour</a>. </p>
<p>An updated meta-analysis was most recently published in 2016. This reviewed and analyzed 75 studies from the previous 13 years, concluding that there was <a href="http://stories24.de/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/spanking_and_child_outcomes.pdf">no evidence that spanking improved child behaviour and that spanking was associated with an increased risk of 13 detrimental outcomes</a>. These include aggression, antisocial behaviour, mental health problems and negative relationships with parents. </p>
<p>We now have data that clearly demonstrates that spanking is not safe, nor effective. Of course this does not make parents who have used spanking bad parents. In the past, we simply did not know the risks.</p>
<h2>Towards positive parenting strategies</h2>
<p>Evidence from over 20 years of research consistently indicates the harms of spanking. There is also increasing global recognition of the rights of children to protection and dignity, as inscribed in the <a href="https://www.unicef.org/crc/">UN Convention on the Rights of the Child</a> and in targets within the <a href="http://www.un.org/sustainabledevelopment/sustainable-development-goals/">UN Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs)</a> to eliminate violence. Taken together, these tell us that spanking should never be used on children or adolescents of any age. </p>
<p>It is important, now, to find ways to help parents use positive and non-physical strategies with their children. Research already shows some evidence that <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S014521341730025X">parenting programs specifically aimed at preventing physical punishment can be successful</a>. </p>
<p>Some evidence for reducing harsh parenting and physical punishment has been found for <a href="http://www.pcit.org/">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)</a>, the <a href="http://www.incredibleyears.com/">Incredible Years (IY) program</a> and the <a href="http://nfp.mcmaster.ca/">Nurse Family Partnership (NFP)</a>. Other promising home visiting initiatives and interventions taking place in community and paediatric settings are also being examined for proven effectiveness. </p>
<p>As researchers, we also need to reframe the research we are conducting, the questions we are asking and the discussions we are having — to move this field forwards and to ensure the safety and well-being of children. The academic journal <em>Child Abuse & Neglect</em> <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/journal/01452134/71?sdc=1">has published a special issue</a>, containing <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213417300145">original research</a> and <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0145213417300522">discussion papers containing further strategies</a>. It is free to all readers for a limited time.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/85962/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Dr. Tracie O. Afifi receives funding from CIHR. </span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Elisa Romano receives funding from the Social Sciences and Research Council of Canada and the Canadian Institutes of Health Research.</span></em></p>The debate on spanking is over. Scientific studies consistently show that it is harmful to children, increasing the likelihood of mental health problems and antisocial behaviours.Tracie O. Afifi, Associate Professor, University of ManitobaElisa Romano, Full Professor of Clinical Psychology, L’Université d’Ottawa/University of OttawaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/435612015-06-25T16:15:39Z2015-06-25T16:15:39ZOne theory all teachers with disruptive children should know about<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/86270/original/image-20150624-31498-hzxlet.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Have you heard of attachment theory?</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Bath Spa University</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Imagine a classroom where children are unable to wait their turn or stay focused on their work. They are easily distracted, cannot remember basic instructions or hold enough information in their head to solve problems – skills teachers rely on in order to teach successfully. </p>
<p>These behavioural issues are all examples of problems that can arise from attachment issues – based on the relationship between children and their main caregiver. </p>
<p>Attachment theory is now one of the world’s most well-researched theories about human development. It was first proposed by the <a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html">20th-century British psychiatrist John Bowlby</a>, who considered that children needed to develop a secure attachment with their main caregiver via sufficiently consistent, responsive, sensitive, appropriate and predictable care and support. </p>
<p><a href="http://www.allanschore.com/pdf/SchoreIMHJAttachment.pdf">Research</a> has shown that secure attachments create mental processes <a href="http://www.drdansiegel.com/uploads/1271-the-verdict-is-in.pdf">that enable</a> a child to regulate emotions and attune to others. Securely attached children also have self-understanding and insight, empathy for others and appropriate moral reasoning. </p>
<p>In turn, these processes support the foundation of “executive functioning skills”. These entail a range of key skills that enable children to focus, hold and manipulate information, solve problems, make decisions, persist at tasks, inhibit impulsive behaviour, set goals and monitor their progress. These are all the skills <a href="http://developingchild.harvard.edu/index.php/resources/reports_and_working_papers/working_papers/wp11/">needed</a> for academic learning in the classroom.</p>
<h2>Trauma takes its toll</h2>
<p>Insecure attachments develop if early interactions between a child and their parent or caregiver are more negative, more inconsistent or more insensitive. They can also develop if the parent is unresponsive, inappropriate or unpredictable. This can have unfortunate consequences for a child’s achievements in school. Insecurely attached children <a href="http://edsource.org/wp-content/uploads/ClassroomAttachment.pdf">invariably have lower academic grades</a>, have reduced social competence, are less willing to take on challenges and have higher levels of ADHD and delinquency. </p>
<p>Children who have experienced early relational trauma, in particular, appear to have difficulty in developing effective executive functioning skills. They often have a reduced capacity to plan ahead, inhibit inappropriate behaviour and self-reflect. They <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/The_Social_Neuroscience_of_Education_Opt.html?id=YhXUVwkAQsAC&redir_esc=y">also often have</a> poor concentration, are restless and struggle with relationships. </p>
<p>Attachment research indicates that at least one-third of children have an insecure attachment with at least one caregiver, which in <a href="http://edsource.org/wp-content/uploads/ClassroomAttachment.pdf">turn is likely to affect</a> their school performance and behaviour. </p>
<p>One <a href="http://www.researchgate.net/publication/254000383_Identifying_the_Incidence_of_Psychological_Trauma_and_Post_Trauma_Symptoms_in_Children">study</a> in 2004, of 162 primary school children living in Clackmannanshire, indicated that 98% had experienced one or more trauma event (such as divorce or an accident) and for one in four this trauma resulted in behavioural or emotional disturbance. Other studies <a href="http://www.researchgate.net/publication/244915739_Attention_Deficit_Hyperactivity_Disorder_is_Associated_with_Attachment_Insecurity">have suggested</a> that a large proportion of children with ADHD may have attachment issues. </p>
<h2>Making teachers aware</h2>
<p>Attachment theory is well known to professionals within health and social care, but is less understood by teachers. Teachers <a href="http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Janice_Kennedy/publication/227662689_Attachment_theory_Implications_for_school_psychology/links/0deec5213b3b320854000000.pdf">may misinterpret</a> insecurely attached children’s behaviour as uncooperative, aggressive, demanding, impulsive, withdrawn, reactive or unpredictable. So it’s important for teachers to better understand this behaviour and some of its possible causes. </p>
<p>Increasingly, research in attachment <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Attachment_in_the_Classroom.html?id=xT2LOwAACAAJ">is turning its attention</a> to its relevance to the classroom teacher and their pupils. </p>
<p>Some pilot studies in England have been working towards increasing teachers’ knowledge and insight into attachment theory and its implications for the classroom. New ways of thinking, which include adopting whole-school strategies as well as targeted interventions with individual children based on attachment principles and processes, are being implemented in numerous schools around the country. </p>
<p>Examples of interventions include the use of emotion coaching (a way of communicating during behavioural incidents), nurture groups and <a href="http://www.theraplay.org/index.php/what-is-theraplay-3">theraplay</a>, a form of family therapy designed to reinforce attachment between parents and children. These pilot studies of an “attachment aware” approach are yielding some promising results. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/86271/original/image-20150624-31510-672xjo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/86271/original/image-20150624-31510-672xjo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=366&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/86271/original/image-20150624-31510-672xjo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=366&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/86271/original/image-20150624-31510-672xjo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=366&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/86271/original/image-20150624-31510-672xjo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=461&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/86271/original/image-20150624-31510-672xjo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=461&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/86271/original/image-20150624-31510-672xjo.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=461&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Emotion coaching can help.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Bath Spa University</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>These <a href="http://attachmentawareschools.com/resources/documents/BF_BPP_BSU_Final_Evaluation_Report_8_June_2014.pdf">include significant reductions</a> in behavioural incidents, improved attendance, gains in maths and English scores beyond expected levels and improved well-being in both children and school staff. </p>
<p>This <a href="http://www.futureacademy.org.uk/files/menu_items/other/13vol159.pdf">evidence</a> suggests that such strategies provide longer-term solutions and are more cost-effective than many of the existing systems in place. As one deputy headteacher noted:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>It took a series of children with needs that we just found hard to identify until we started to apply attachment theory thinking. And it just unlocked these children and made us able to understand what was going on with far greater clarity. As a result we got to make much more progress with them.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Some <a href="https://theconversation.com/on-the-subject-of-subjects-27035">critics</a> might consider that “attachment aware schools” will distract teachers from their focus on acquiring knowledge, but we are not advocating that teachers become therapists or take over parents’ roles. We <a href="http://attachmentawareschools.com/">do consider</a>, however, that attachment theory opens up new opportunities for teachers to revisit traditional ways of managing children’s behaviour and acquire new insights and solutions for the benefit of pupils and teachers alike.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/43561/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Janet Rose works part-time for Kate Cairns Associates, which offers training in attachment awareness and trauma informed practice. Bath Spa University has received funding for research in this area from Wiltshire and Somerset County Councils and the National College for Teaching and Learning. Janet Rose is affiliated to the Consortium for Emotional Well-being in Schools, EmotionCoachingUK. </span></em></p>Attachment theory can help in understanding some disruptive class behaviour.Janet Rose, Programme Leader and Award Leader for the Early Education Award, Bath Spa UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/250522014-07-22T05:26:51Z2014-07-22T05:26:51ZThis obsession with parenting is out of control<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/54452/original/b7vrfdvv-1405953234.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Enough is enough.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/downloading_tips.mhtml?code=&id=97841513&size=medium&image_format=jpg&method=download&super_url=http%3A%2F%2Fdownload.shutterstock.com%2Fgatekeeper%2FW3siZSI6MTQwNTk4MTkzMiwiYyI6Il9waG90b19zZXNzaW9uX2lkIiwiZGMiOiJpZGxfOTc4NDE1MTMiLCJwIjoidjF8MTkzNjIzNTl8OTc4NDE1MTMiLCJrIjoicGhvdG8vOTc4NDE1MTMvbWVkaXVtLmpwZyIsIm0iOiIxIiwiZCI6InNodXR0ZXJzdG9jay1tZWRpYSJ9LCJzdE40RzRDZFB6SkpjTWFQa28zaW9lZmlnMmMiXQ%2Fshutterstock_97841513.jpg&racksite_id=ny&chosen_subscription=1&license=standard&src=csl_recent_image-1">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Not long ago, an email went around some of the academic lists I subscribe to entitled “<a href="http://www.newyorker.com/humor/shouts-murmurs/new-parenting-study-released">New parenting study released</a>”. </p>
<p>Heart sinking a little as I clicked the link to a New Yorker article, I expected to find yet another piece bewailing the failings of modern parents, and instructing them to adopt x or y new (or old) technique to better bring up their children. Imagine my delight, then, when I read the first line:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>A recent study has shown that if American parents read one more long-form think piece about parenting they will go fucking ape shit.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>But that welcome tidbit of light relief points to something rather less funny that’s been going on in the world of parenting for a while now. Among parents, journalists, academics and others, there is a growing sense that there is just too much monitoring of and debate over the ins and outs of parenting – and it’s not just overbearing, but often plain boring. </p>
<h2>Paranoid parenting</h2>
<p>The minutiae of how parents raise their children – how they feed them, talk to them, play with them or discipline them – have become routine (even constant) points of personal scrutiny, public debate and policy-making. </p>
<p>There are now so-called “parenting experts”, and social movements like “<a href="https://theconversation.com/focus-on-attachment-in-parenting-policy-is-misplaced-25461">attachment parenting</a>”, telling us that “science says” what parents do is the cause of and solution to a whole host of social problems. And while it doesn’t take a jaded social scientist to notice that the way we raise our kids has changed, a group of us at the University of Kent felt that the trend was worthy of a closer look. </p>
<p>In our book <a href="http://www.palgrave.com/products/title.aspx?is=9781137304636">Parenting Culture Studies</a>, we draw on the work of a range of social scientists who have noted that something fairly fundamental has shifted in the last half-century in the way we raise our children, particularly in the US and the UK, but also beyond.</p>
<p>Researchers in the field have described this as a trend towards “<a href="http://yalepress.yale.edu/yupbooks/book.asp?isbn=0300066821">intensive</a>” or “<a href="http://www.theguardian.com/education/2001/apr/26/highereducation.socialsciences">paranoid</a>” parenting, describing the ever-greater lengths to which parents are going to assure their children’s health and happiness, often tying themselves in knots in the process. </p>
<p>The sociologist Sharon Hays, for example, said that while it’s clear that children need an extended period of physical care to make the transition from infancy to adulthood, </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Modern American mothers do much more than simply feed, change and shelter the child until age six. It is that <em>more</em> with which I am concerned.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>That “more” involves devoting large amounts of time, energy, and material resources to the child, in the form of the educational toys, extracurricular classes, specialised diets and any other activity now routine to contemporary middle-class parenting. These activities are all testament to a zealous cultural belief that a child’s needs must be put first, and that parenting should be child-centred.</p>
<h2>What really matters</h2>
<p>Researchers working on parenting culture are exploring the causes of this shift, turning sociological, historical and anthropological lenses on contemporary parenting. A central theme in much of this research is redressing the concept of “parental determinism” – the idea that parents and their parenting are the main (or only) determinants of how children develop. </p>
<p>This fits into a wider conversation about risk consciousness and the demise of confidence about how to approach the future. Put simply, our paranoia about parenting is a symptom of a society that feels less and less certain about what matters in life, and why.</p>
<p>The “intensification” of parenting has had a massive impact on men and women’s identities as mothers and fathers, as well as on the relationships between parents themselves. As the “work” of parenting (emotional and physical) expands to engulf more and more of parents’ lives, clearly the time and energy available for everything else will be drained. </p>
<p>In my own research, I have looked in particular at how this “intensification” of parenting can have a detrimental effect on the couple’s relationship. My colleague Jennie Bristow, meanwhile, has looked at the question of adult solidarity in an intergenerational context; since parenting is now seen entirely as the responsibility of individual parents (rather than a social endeavour), the implications for the relationship between generations, not to mention between parents and non-parents, are hugely significant.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, many commentators, politicians and self-proclaimed experts have fuelled the ever-expanding obsession with parenting by making childrearing practices the central focus of wide areas of public policy – <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-27943591">inequality</a>, for example. </p>
<p>Going back to the New Yorker piece, it’s great to see signs of a reaction against the intensification of parenting. What we need to study now is not how people raise their children, but why our society is so obsessed with how parents feel about and behave towards their kids.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/25052/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Charlotte Faircloth has received funding from The Economic and Social Research Council, The Foundation for the Sociology of Health and Illness and The Leverhulme Trust.</span></em></p>Not long ago, an email went around some of the academic lists I subscribe to entitled “New parenting study released”. Heart sinking a little as I clicked the link to a New Yorker article, I expected to…Charlotte Faircloth, Leverhulme Trust Early Career Fellow in Parenting Culture Studies, University of KentLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/254612014-04-16T13:26:55Z2014-04-16T13:26:55ZFocus on attachment in parenting policy is misplaced<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/46001/original/dzhbvxxp-1397044114.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=9%2C9%2C1014%2C709&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Let's ignore the policymakers, kid. </span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/wilson_x/2497799186/sizes/l">Wilson X</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/">CC BY-NC-SA</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>A recent report from the <a href="http://www.suttontrust.com/our-work/research/item/baby-bonds/">Sutton Trust</a> is the latest in a <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/social-care-network/2012/sep/12/secure-early-bonding-essential-babies">line of recommendations</a> for family policy to focus on promoting secure attachment between parents and their children. </p>
<p>What puzzles me is why the Sutton Trust, politicians and organisations seeking to influence government policy on children and families are so interested in academic research on attachment. I’m sure these efforts are well-intentioned, but they stem from a misunderstanding of the scientific evidence. </p>
<p>Attachment is a very specific measure of the quality of the parent–child relationship. To know a child’s attachment security, you have to conduct a formal observational assessment, which can’t be done until the child is at least 12 months old.</p>
<p>The “gold standard” measure of attachment is the “strange situation procedure”, which classifies toddlers into one of four attachment categories. These are decided on the basis of how they respond when reunited with the parent after a brief separation. </p>
<p>Securely attached toddlers respond positively to the parent, insecure-avoidant toddlers tend to ignore the parent, and insecure-resistant toddlers get very distressed by the separation, but can’t be comforted by the parent. Finally, toddlers in the insecure-disorganised group show odd, contradictory behaviour when reunited, and may appear afraid of the parent.</p>
<h2>Not abnormal</h2>
<p>Let’s first correct some basic errors in the Sutton Trust report that were also repeated in an associated article on <a href="https://theconversation.com/bonding-with-your-child-matters-for-their-life-chances-24554">The Conversation</a>. One would at least expect the figures on the percentages of children falling into the four attachment categories to be reported accurately, but they were not. </p>
<p>The correct <a href="http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CC4QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.researchgate.net%2Fpublication%2F7270330_Disorganized_attachment_in_early_childhood_meta-analysis_of_precursors_concomitants_and_sequelae%2Ffile%2F72e7e51d31394be5da.pdf&ei=wR9AU5LcA8HChAe8xYCYCw&usg=AFQjCNFeEDksiN2eacm3aeS5Sr1gNv3dqw&sig2=-p9T9Z6z2Go7W9M7bLAOtg&bvm=bv.64125504,d.ZG4">figures for middle-class families</a> are 15% insecure-avoidant, 9% insecure-resistant and 15% insecure-disorganised. The take-home message here should be that insecure attachment isn’t abnormal – it’s not even unusual.</p>
<p>It’s also not the case that inconsistent and unpredictable parenting relates to insecure-disorganised attachment. As yet, we don’t fully understand the <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/dev/44/4/969/">pathways leading to this type of attachment</a>. In fact, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9306636">parent–child interaction isn’t a particularly good predictor</a> of attachment. </p>
<p>What about the claim that early secure attachment is a positive influence on children’s development, whereas early insecure attachment puts children at risk of poor cognitive development and educational attainment? </p>
<p>Experimental studies involving attachment have been conducted ever since the strange situation procedure was developed over 40 years ago, so we can draw on a large body of evidence. </p>
<p>The <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20438450">best evidence</a> comes from a meta-analysis, which pools data from multiple studies, showing that insecure attachment, and specifically insecure-disorganised attachment, are associated with an increased risk of behaviours such as conduct problems and hyperactivity. </p>
<p>However, the effects are not strong and the pattern of findings is different for boys and girls. In girls, early disorganised attachment was found to be associated with fewer of these behaviours.</p>
<p>So that’s the strongest evidence. What about the rest? Other research has shown that the effects of attachment on children’s later <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-9507.1995.tb00055.x/abstract">cognitive development</a> and other types of <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22235928">behaviour problems</a> such as social withdrawal and anxiety are negligible or small. Studies on attachment and children’s educational attainment are as rare as hen’s teeth, so it’s dangerous to draw conclusions when there is so little evidence. </p>
<p>The report’s claims about early insecure attachment predicting delinquency in adolescence and poorer job status in adulthood are simply alarmist. These claims are based on findings that <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22278802">measured attachment in adolescence</a> or [adulthood](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=bartley%2C+head%2C+%26+stansfeld+(2007). They tell us nothing about whether secure attachment to parents in early childhood predicts these long-term outcomes. </p>
<p>The report assumes that attachment is stable over time, but this doesn’t fit with the evidence. In fact, <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=1996-01792-013">fewer than half of children</a> stay in the same attachment category over periods as short as six months.</p>
<h2>Why complicate things?</h2>
<p>But highlighting all of these misinterpretations isn’t really my point. My real worry is that non-experts think that parenting and attachment are the same thing, and believe that any benefit of improved parenting on children’s outcome must be because the improved parenting made the child securely attached. </p>
<p>Why complicate things in this way? They’re calling for interventions to improve the quality of parenting, so why don’t they focus on the considerable <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12696839">body of evidence</a> that has assessed the quality of parent–child interaction and its role in predicting children’s later development? </p>
<p>Although the Sutton Trust report covers various parenting intervention programmes in its final section, they are merely listed and described. The only comparisons are in terms of financial cost. </p>
<p>Nowhere in the report is there a careful appraisal of which interventions have had their effects appropriately replicated, and whether we yet have sufficiently good data to warrant making any policy recommendations. This is the kind of in-depth analysis that’s needed.</p>
<p>Improving the lives of vulnerable families and children is of the utmost importance, so let’s not over-complicate things by delving into the highly complex academic findings on attachment security. Policy makers are busy people who need evidence-based advice on what sorts of interventions work. Unfortunately, the Sutton Trust report fails to deliver. </p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/25461/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Elizabeth Meins receives funding from the Economic and Social Research Council.</span></em></p>A recent report from the Sutton Trust is the latest in a line of recommendations for family policy to focus on promoting secure attachment between parents and their children. What puzzles me is why the…Elizabeth Meins, Professor, Department of Psychology, University of YorkLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/245542014-03-21T06:05:34Z2014-03-21T06:05:34ZBonding with your child matters for their life chances<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/44323/original/mv8j9rfv-1395239134.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">You can tell me anything.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-114642340/stock-photo-mother-sitting-with-son-reading-story-indoors.html?src=-mFscR5yWG6qhY9Tkbl4Lw-3-64">Mother & son image via Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>The idea that parenting matters for early child development is now widely accepted. We also now know a great deal about the role of parenting in social inequalities in development. Parents with more resources can invest more in activities and goods for their children from the start. For example, <a href="http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/43728/1/Early%20years%20policy%28lsero%29.pdf">parents with more education</a> expose their children to a much wider vocabulary. </p>
<p>A parent, however, is not only the child’s first teacher, but also their first caregiver. Mothers and fathers influence their children’s development, not only through the resources they invest in their children and the linguistic and cognitive stimulation they offer, but also through the attachment or bond they forge with their children.</p>
<p>The central idea of attachment is that good social and emotional development depends on sensitive and responsive caregiving in infancy and early childhood. A secure attachment to a parent gives a child a secure base from which to explore, learn, relate to others, and flourish. But not all children develop a secure attachment.</p>
<h2>Types of attachment</h2>
<p>When a parent, most of the time, responds to a child in a sensitive and responsive way – picking up the child when they cry, and holding and reassuring them – the child feels secure that a parent will meet his or her needs. The infant, when distressed, knows what to do and how the parent will respond: the infant can safely express negative emotion and seek proximity to the caregiver – and can expect to feel better. This is what is called a secure attachment. <a href="http://www.suttontrust.com/our-work/research/item/baby-bonds/">About 60% of children</a> in the general population are securely attached. </p>
<p>However, <a href="http://www.suttontrust.com/our-work/research/item/baby-bonds/">about 40% of children</a> do not develop this kind of secure attachment, based on a review of the best evidence available, mainly from the US. Some parents respond to their child’s distress in insensitive or “rejecting” ways, such as ignoring or becoming annoyed with them. </p>
<p>Experiencing this on a regular basis, as about 25% do, infants can learn to minimise expressions of their negative emotions and needs and avoid the parent when distressed, displaying <a href="http://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/%7Ercfraley/attachment.htm">avoidant attachment</a>. </p>
<p>In other cases, parents are inconsistent and unpredictable in their response to their infant’s distress. Experiencing this, as about 15% of infants do, infants can develop what is called <a href="http://www.communitycare.co.uk/2011/01/21/indicators-of-disorganised-attachment-in-children/#.UysW5fl_vsZ">disorganised attachment</a>. </p>
<p>The proportions of children with insecure attachment vary by the sample and measures used. In very high-risk populations, where families face multiple problems, up to two-thirds of children may be insecurely attached. Children who have been abused are nearly always also insecurely attached. The prevalence of insecure attachment is also higher among low income and teen parent families than in the general population. </p>
<h2>Improved life chances</h2>
<p>Our <a href="http://www.suttontrust.com/our-work/research/item/baby-bonds/">recent review for the Sutton Trust</a> has shown how secure attachment in the first three years of life can serve as a “secure base” for children’s later development and life chances, and hence social mobility. At the same time, insecure attachment places children at risk in key developmental areas including cognitive and language development and educational attainment, as well as social and emotional development. We have recommended that promoting secure attachment should be a focus for policy and services for families with children under the age of three. </p>
<p>Policy in the UK has already addressed some of the factors that threaten good early parenting and secure attachment. For example, <a href="https://www.russellsage.org/publications/britains-war-poverty">initiatives under New Labour</a> to make child benefit and other types of supports more generous for families with young children, and to extend paid maternity and paternity leave, reduced pressures on families with newborns and young children. But more can be done. </p>
<p>In particular, there is a group of families whose children are at risk for insecure attachment, but not (yet) indicating problem development, who could benefit from increased service engagement and parent training. In addition, early interventions with very high-risk or troubled families with children under three can promote secure attachment and development, especially when skilled practitioners train parents and model sensitive and responsive care. Expanding such programmes would be a sound preventive investment. </p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/24554/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jane Waldfogel receives funding from the Sutton Trust for reseearch on Baby Bonds. </span></em></p>The idea that parenting matters for early child development is now widely accepted. We also now know a great deal about the role of parenting in social inequalities in development. Parents with more resources…Jane Waldfogel, Compton Foundation Centennial Professor of Social Work for the Prevention of Children's and Youth Problems, Columbia UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/151232013-07-15T20:52:59Z2013-07-15T20:52:59ZHelicopter, snowplow or free range – what’s your parenting style?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/26705/original/t9gtbh86-1372746332.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">When parents focus intently on their child's success, sometimes they can miss out on important life lessons.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Gladskikh Tatiana/Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>It used to be said that the difficulty with parenting is that no-one gives you a manual, but you could argue that adage is no longer true.</p>
<p>From “<a href="http://amychua.com/">tiger mums</a>” to “<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_parenting">attachment parents</a>”, countless manifestos offer advice on how to successfully raise a child. In fact, there’s so much parenting advice around that first-time parents (in particular) can <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19410211">struggle to trust</a> their own instincts and knowledge.</p>
<p>While book sales may be up, is there any scientific evidence to suggest better outcomes for children raised in any of these pop-culture parenting styles?</p>
<h2>Hovering around</h2>
<p>Most parenting research centres on “helicopter” parenting. <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00689.x/abstract">Helicopter parents</a> are so named because they hover above their children at all times, regularly swooping in to protect them from challenges and harm. </p>
<p>Anecdotes and media data don’t always present helicopter parents in the most flattering light, and the limited scientific research available appears to confirm this view. </p>
<p><a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00689.x/abstract">One study found</a> that, by adulthood, children of helicopter parents perceived poorer quality of communication with their parents compared with those whose parents were less helicopter-like. It also found these children had a heightened sense of personal entitlement.</p>
<p>Another <a href="http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/routledg/usls/2011/00000031/00000004/art00002">study of college students</a> found that those who reported helicopter parenting had lower levels of overall well-being and were more likely to be medicated for anxiety or depression, or both.</p>
<p>In contrast, a <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00987.x/abstract">third study of young adults</a> found the children of overly involved parents had better well-being scores than others. But their parents reported reduced life satisfaction due to their now-grown children still requiring intensive support.</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/26707/original/3cybfc97-1372746484.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/26707/original/3cybfc97-1372746484.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26707/original/3cybfc97-1372746484.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26707/original/3cybfc97-1372746484.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26707/original/3cybfc97-1372746484.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26707/original/3cybfc97-1372746484.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26707/original/3cybfc97-1372746484.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">“Snowplow” parents are just trying to help out but it might bring on anxiety and depression.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">skishawnee/Flickr</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Ploughing through</h2>
<p>A close relative of the helicopter parent is another piece of parenting heavy machinery, <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2012/07/02/120702crbo_books_kolbert?currentPage=1">the “snowplow” parent</a>. This parent diligently removes all obstacles from their child’s path, eliminating challenge and hardship as best they can.</p>
<p>The idea is that by removing all obstacles, the child is free to focus on success and not be inhibited by failure. While the helicopter parent operates out of fear of something happening to their child, the snowplow parent just wants to make their child’s path in life easier.</p>
<p>There appears to be no empirical research on snowplow parenting yet, but both parenting styles could be defined as versions of over-protective parenting, about which there is some evidence.</p>
<h2>Protection and over-protection</h2>
<p>Research shows that children of over-protective parents are <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2008-17490-030">shyer toddlers</a>, have <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22659077">more behavioural problems</a> in childhood, <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19998542">higher depression scores</a> in adolescence, and <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2009-20804-001">increased anxiety</a> in adulthood. </p>
<p><a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00689.x/abstract">Research also points to</a> helicopter and over-protective parenting as being symptomatic of a family unit that is otherwise experiencing problems, which could include communication problems and broader unhappiness within the home. </p>
<p>A propensity to over-parent is associated with <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2008-17490-030">higher maternal anxiety</a>; it can mean that the long-term relationship between parent and child <a href="http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/routledg/usls/2011/00000031/00000004/art00002">can be damaged</a> due to constant intrusion; and it may be difficult to sustain a healthy relationship between parents when so much focus is on the child.</p>
<p>Although this all sounds fairly dismal, it’s important to note that helicopter and snowplow parents behave in the way they do because they want the very best for their child. And this is a vitally important element of child development and well-being. </p>
<p>It’s just that, in their anxiety to ensure their child’s future success, these parents <a href="http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/routledg/usls/2011/00000031/00000004/art00002">end up doing everything</a> for their children instead of allowing them to develop independence and autonomy by doing tasks themselves.</p>
<h2>Free ranging</h2>
<p>If all this over-parenting sounds a little too intense, the “free range” parenting style may be the one for you. This is the parenting philosophy coined by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenore_Skenazy">Lenore Skenazy</a>, who became known as “America’s Worst Mum” after publishing an opinion piece disclosing that her nine-year-old son was allowed to catch the New York subway on his own.</p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/26708/original/kxg2vd5s-1372747068.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/26708/original/kxg2vd5s-1372747068.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26708/original/kxg2vd5s-1372747068.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26708/original/kxg2vd5s-1372747068.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26708/original/kxg2vd5s-1372747068.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26708/original/kxg2vd5s-1372747068.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/26708/original/kxg2vd5s-1372747068.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Free-range parents let their children get into the swing of things.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Sands Beach Lanzarote/Flickr</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>Like their chicken counterparts, free range kids are allowed to roam, unsupervised and outdoors. Skenazy argues that we live in safe times, the potential for harm to our children is far less than we perceive, and that it’s important for children to learn responsibility and independence early.</p>
<p>So at what age can children safely play outside alone? Answering that question gets to the heart of the difficulty with all these parenting styles and philosophies. </p>
<p>Every child is different, and each will develop requisite responsibility at a different rate. Each parent is different, and some will feel at home with their children playing somewhere down the street where others will only feel comfortable when they can see their child at all times.</p>
<p>There’s no universal rulebook but the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Childhood-Society-Erik-H-Erikson/dp/039331068X">basic theory of child development</a> suggests that, at some point, the gradual development of autonomy and independence is one of the keys to a higher level of social and emotional well-being and future success. How and when that happens is up to each individual parent.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/15123/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Monique Robinson receives funding from the National Health and Medical Research Council (NHMRC)</span></em></p>It used to be said that the difficulty with parenting is that no-one gives you a manual, but you could argue that adage is no longer true. From “tiger mums” to “attachment parents”, countless manifestos…Monique Robinson, Associate Principal Investigator, Telethon Institute for Child Health Research, The University of Western AustraliaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/69852012-05-16T20:37:56Z2012-05-16T20:37:56ZTime #1: what’s wrong with this picture?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/10660/original/z5qtx37x-1337045205.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Cover of the latest US edition of Time magazine.</span> </figcaption></figure><p>Breastfeeding generally falls under the jurisdiction of mothers, so I decided to ask a group of mothers I see regularly on Saturday morning what they thought of the recent Time magazine cover portraying an attractive young woman, hand on hip, staring down the camera while her passive three-year-old dressed in cargo pants stands on a chair and suckles from her exposed left breast. </p>
<p>What they told me was deeply reassuring. </p>
<p>Is it wrong to breastfeed a three-year-old? “No, I wouldn’t do it, but there’s nothing wrong with it,” said one mother helpfully. “It’s not immoral”. </p>
<p>All agreed in fact; it’s a question of choice, culture, circumstances, needs, and so on. </p>
<p>How about an 11-year-old? (I got daggers for that one.) “Other kids will let you know when it’s gone too far!”</p>
<p>Further prodding revealed a commitment to breastfeeding because of the nutritional benefits it confers on the baby, a sentiment shared by the young woman pictured on the cover of Time magazine, Los Angeles mum Jamie Lynne Grumet, who engages in “<a href="http://www.attachmentparenting.org/">attachment parenting</a>”.</p>
<p>Attachment parenting is a popularization of “<a href="http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/inge_origins.pdf">attachment theory</a>”, a long-standing ethological approach to the study of human relationships. Attachment theory has been dominated by two very big ideas. The first concerns the universality of attachment bonds emerging in infancy and their importance for protection, state regulation, and healthy development. </p>
<p>The second concerns the distinctive ways in which attachment bonds form in individual mother-infant pairs. This latter approach attempts to define optimal or secure attachment in terms of the infant’s capacity to effectively get the mother’s protection and care in times of need, such as when fear or anxiety are experienced, or when frustrations become too great. </p>
<p>It’s no exaggeration to say that <a href="http://www.cehd.umn.edu/icd/Parent-child/">hundreds</a> of research studies have been devoted to understanding the underpinnings and consequences of secure attachment. Many researchers working in the field believe the key to security lies in the mother’s prompt and sensitive responses to her infant’s needs. But of course this can mean many things. </p>
<p>For the proponents of attachment parenting, there tends to be an intense focus on physical closeness (including breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and “baby-wearing”) and responsiveness to infant cries. </p>
<p>But let’s be clear, the majority of babies that have ever been studied in psychological research (and there are many thousands) have been securely attached to their mothers. Further, all this has been achieved without attachment parenting philosophies.</p>
<p>In fact, secure attachment is the norm. Most children develop strong affectionate ties to their caregivers that we recognize as loving, and they are able to rely on these relationships throughout development to support them in positive ways. </p>
<p>So what goes wrong? What undermines secure attachment? </p>
<p>The great British pediatrician and psychoanalyst <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Winnicott">Donald Winnicott</a> argued that infants and children usually get what they need from their mothers. He coined the phrase “good enough mother” to convey his view that perfection doesn’t exist when it comes to parenting. And, even if it did, he added, it would undermine children because it would rob them of their autonomy. </p>
<p>But like many who have followed, Winnicott understood that various factors could prevent a mother from being able to recognise her infant’s needs and appropriately respond to his signals. In particular, ill health (including mental health problems) and environmental stress are prime candidates. </p>
<p>In more recent attachment theory, there’s also some consensus emerging that the mother’s state of mind can undermine her natural capacity to understand and respond to infant signals, such as when she is preoccupied with her own ongoing concerns or is <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7777645">psychologically unavailable</a>.</p>
<p>A final question for the mothers: is there a right time to stop breastfeeding? “You should stop when one or both of the participants is no longer comfortable,” quietly and thoughtfully stated. </p>
<p>This last sentiment carries a lot of wisdom; it reminds us that there’s a relationship between a mother and her infant and the act of breastfeeding is one of the most salient and powerful forums in which the early relationship is played out during the prolonged infancy that humans experience. </p>
<p>It is so tempting to cast breastfeeding in terms of nutritional needs and health, but attachment theory actually presents us with a radical alternative: the biological imperative is not mothers’ milk, nutritional though it may be, it is the relationship itself. When the bonds of affection are in place, the food will come. </p>
<p>So, what is wrong with this picture? For the mothers I spoke to on Saturday morning, it violates precisely what it is that they value about the act of breastfeeding – it is devoid of love, tenderness, warmth or affection. You don’t need to be a developmental psychologist to see this. </p>
<p>My Saturday morning companions hit the nail on the head: this picture is about the mother, her own ongoing issues and preoccupations. No matter how justified these may be, they have no place in the care of infants and children precisely because they prevent us from seeing children for who they are. They prevent us from reading the signals coming from the child and responding to them appropriately and with sensitivity. </p>
<p>That this truth was so obvious to my companions is deeply reassuring, no wonder most children are securely attached. </p>
<p><strong>Read more stories on Time’s controversial cover:</strong></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/time-2-extreme-parenting-time-magazine-style-7055">Time #2: Extreme parenting, Time magazine style</a></p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/time-3-why-does-it-hurt-to-look-at-a-woman-breastfeeding-7066">Time #3: Why does it hurt to look at a woman breastfeeding?</a></p>
<p><em><strong>What do you think of the image and the article? Leave your comments below</strong></em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/6985/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Marc de Rosnay receives funding from the SRC for research on attachment.</span></em></p>Breastfeeding generally falls under the jurisdiction of mothers, so I decided to ask a group of mothers I see regularly on Saturday morning what they thought of the recent Time magazine cover portraying…Marc de Rosnay, Senior Lecturer in Psychology, University of SydneyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.