tag:theconversation.com,2011:/us/topics/dating-10412/articlesDating – The Conversation2024-03-25T16:37:51Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2258372024-03-25T16:37:51Z2024-03-25T16:37:51ZDating apps: Lack of regulation, oversight and competition affects quality, and millions stand to lose<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/583280/original/file-20240320-24-xk2kwq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C19%2C6498%2C4299&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Dating apps have helped people make millions of connections.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>When Aleksandr Zhadan <a href="https://gizmodo.com/guy-used-chatgpt-talk-5-000-women-tinder-met-his-wife-1851228179">used ChatGPT</a> to talk to over 5,000 women on Tinder, it was a sign of things to come. </p>
<p>As artificial intelligence becomes more sophisticated and easily available, online dating is facing an onslaught of AI-powered fraud. The industry, which is dominated by a small number of incumbents, has already proven slow to respond to long-standing problems on its apps. AI will be its moment of reckoning — there are even apps that can <a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/artificial-intelligence-relationships-1.7148866">help people write their messages</a>.</p>
<p>Opponents of dating apps <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/16/opinion/dating-apps-hinge-tinder-bumble.html">may be happy</a> to see the industry crash and burn. The rest of us should worry. Online dating plays an important, and I believe positive, role in our lives. It has made it easier for people to find relationships, and easier to find people with whom we are truly compatible.</p>
<p>As the industry careens towards disaster, regulators should be prepared to intervene.</p>
<p><div data-react-class="InstagramEmbed" data-react-props="{"url":"https://www.instagram.com/p/C3EHlNMt65J","accessToken":"127105130696839|b4b75090c9688d81dfd245afe6052f20"}"></div></p>
<h2>Real versus fake connections</h2>
<p>Zhadan’s case shows one of the challenges AI poses for online dating. Now, when we chat with someone on one of the apps, we cannot know if their answers are written by a chatbot, nor can we know how many other people they are talking to simultaneously. We also can’t know if someone’s photos have been <a href="https://mashable.com/article/using-ai-photo-generator-apps-for-dating-profile">produced with the help of an AI image generator</a> </p>
<p>But at least Zhadan was actually looking for love. Since the launch of ChatGPT in late 2022, the amount of outright fraud on dating apps, much of it powered by AI, has skyrocketed. According to cybersecurity company Arkose Labs, there was, between January 2023 and January 2024, <a href="https://www.arkoselabs.com/latest-news/how-criminals-are-manipulating-ai-to-target-dating-apps/">a staggering 2,000 per cent increase</a> in bot attacks on dating sites. </p>
<p>And this is just the beginning. AI is getting more powerful, and more convincingly human, all the time.</p>
<p>Even before AI appeared on the scene, fraud on dating apps was already a serious problem. Sign up for one of them and you’ll instantly find your feed clogged with an endless number of fake profiles. Most of them have been created for a specific purpose, which is to steal your money. Unfortunately, it works. </p>
<p>In 2023, 64,000 people in the United States admitted to being the victims of romance scams, most of which happen through dating apps — we can assume this is only a small portion of the actual cases. </p>
<p>The Federal Trade Commission <a href="https://www.ftc.gov/business-guidance/blog/2024/02/love-stinks-when-scammer-involved">measures the losses</a> for the year at US$1.14 billion. This has been going on for years, and the app companies have done little to stop it.</p>
<h2>Online connections, offline threats</h2>
<p>Fraud is not the only challenge faced by dating app users. <a href="https://www.kaspersky.com/about/press-releases/2024_nearly-a-quarter-of-online-daters-experience-digital-stalking">A quarter of them</a>, mostly women, have been stalked by someone they met online. Even more tragic are the cases of people being <a href="https://co.usembassy.gov/security-alert-risks-of-using-online-dating-applications/">assaulted or murdered</a>.</p>
<p>There are other issues: prices on the apps <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/83cd07a3-134c-4df7-ab6a-08752c724bbe">have gone up steadily</a> and innovation has come to a grinding halt. Ever since Tinder introduced <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2016/09/21/tinders-newest-app-tinder-stacks-lets-you-swipe-on-anything/">the card stack in 2016</a>, the design of the apps has hardly changed. </p>
<p>You swipe, match, message and hope for the best. It should perhaps be no surprise that customers are <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/14/business/dating-apps-2024-hinge-tinder-dg/index.html">getting fed up</a>.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Man using dating app on mobile phone" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583458/original/file-20240321-30-md695s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Online dating plays an important and positive role in people’s lives.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Benefits to society</h2>
<p>While online dating certainly has its share of <a href="https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/nancy-jo-sales/nothing-personal/9780316492799/">long-standing critics</a>, I have argued that, on balance, the apps are a <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/mono/10.4324/9781315448848-7/sex-technology-neil-mcarthur">benefit to users and to society</a>. They are an efficient way to find partners, get us out of our social bubbles and encourage connections across class and race. </p>
<p>Precisely because of the important role the technology plays in our lives, we should pay attention to how the industry operates. The dating app companies are <a href="https://www.cnet.com/tech/services-and-software/what-you-need-to-know-about-tinders-new-verification-process/">finally starting</a> to do something to protect users. </p>
<p>But given how long fraud has plagued these apps, their response has been slow and pretty underwhelming. They need, at a minimum, better tools to detect fake accounts and remove them quickly. There is a lot more they could do as well. </p>
<p>They could require background checks for users, which <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/">polls show</a> a majority of people support. They could put AI to use themselves, to flag signs of fraud during people’s private chats. And dating app companies could implement safety features to protect users when they meet in person, for instance making it easier to share with your friends or family the profiles of people you are meeting up with.</p>
<h2>Dominant players</h2>
<p>One explanation for the companies’ sluggish response will be familiar to any observer of big tech: the concentration of ownership. The dominant player, Match Group, owns <a href="https://faq.lert.matchgroup.com/en/brands">over 40 different apps</a>, including most of the well-known: Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge and Plenty of Fish. Its only serious competitor for market share is <a href="https://ir.bumble.com/news/news-details/2022/Bumble-Inc.-acquires-popular-Gen-Z-dating-app-Fruitz/default.aspx">Bumble, which also owns Badoo and Fruitz</a>. </p>
<p>In the United States, Match Group and Bumble control <a href="https://www.start.io/blog/these-6-apps-own-85-of-the-mobile-dating-market-on-valentines-day-2024/">over three-quarters</a> of the <a href="https://www.businessofapps.com/data/dating-app-market/">market</a>. </p>
<p>Anti-trust authorities have never given the industry any serious scrutiny. Presumably, they do not think online dating is important enough to deserve it. But these companies have a lot of control over one of the most intimate aspects of our lives.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="a woman's hand holding a phone displaying a yellow background with the word BUMBLE" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/583457/original/file-20240321-28-aq0kfb.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">In the United States, Match Group and Bumble control over three-quarters of the dating apps market.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Good Faces Agency/Unsplash)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Thirty per cent of all adults in the U.S., and over half of people under 30, have <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/">used a dating app at some point</a>. One in 10 Americans is currently in a relationship with someone they met online. </p>
<p>The costs of fraud and abuse, in both human and financial terms, are huge. And the anti-competitive pressures in the industry are strong, given the network effect built into online dating: we want to be on the apps that everyone else is on.</p>
<p>Regulators should finally get involved. They should hold the companies accountable for fraud and abuse on their apps in order to force them to innovate to protect users. They should look closely at the prices they charge customers for premium features. The ultimate solution may be to break up the sector’s dominant players, Match Group and Bumble, in order to create real competition.</p>
<p>The inventors of dating apps deserve credit for enabling millions of connections that would never have happened otherwise. But if things don’t change, the companies could be in trouble and millions of people could be lonelier as a result.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/225837/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Neil McArthur does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Dating apps provide a valuable social service. The industry should be regulated to protect consumers, increase competition and address fraud.Neil McArthur, Director, Centre for Professional and Applied Ethics, University of ManitobaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2232192024-02-12T17:16:27Z2024-02-12T17:16:27ZDating apps: how the order you view potential matches can affect which way you swipe<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574896/original/file-20240212-22-sx5reu.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C16%2C5536%2C3895&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">The order in which you view faces may affect which way you swipe</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/beautiful-happy-woman-sending-love-text-599470442">pathdoc/Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>If you’re planning to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a new partner, there’s a good chance that <a href="https://www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/pnas.1908630116">you met online</a>, which surveys suggest is fast becoming the most popular way people get together. Of course, searching through profile after profile brings with it a variety of difficulties. </p>
<p>Perhaps surprisingly, research shows that one of those problems is simply trying to avoid being influenced by the order in which you view those profiles.</p>
<p>“Sequential effects” (or “serial dependence”) is a type of bias known in the field of psychology. Researchers have found that the previous item in a sequence affects how you judge the current item, whether this involves grading <a href="https://theconversation.com/our-psychological-biases-mean-order-matters-when-we-judge-items-in-sequence-70942">Olympic performances</a> or <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0013164410387344">students’ essays</a>. </p>
<p>We also know that people’s judgements of <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1068/p7116">facial attractiveness</a> show this bias. The direction of the effect can go in one of two ways – the attractiveness of the current face is either pulled towards our opinion of the previous one (assimilation) or pushed away from it (contrast). </p>
<p>This may depend on how similar we think the two faces are in other aspects like <a href="https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0082226">gender or ethnicity</a>. High similarity between faces tends to lead to more assimilation. Low similarity produces less assimilation, or may even lead to contrast. </p>
<p>For instance, if the last photo you saw was very attractive and the one you’re currently considering shares several features in common (for example, both are south Asian women with long, dark hair) then you’re more likely to rate this one as attractive too.</p>
<p>These biases also apply to <a href="https://jov.arvojournals.org/article.aspx?articleid=2778156">other trait judgements</a> like trustworthiness, intelligence and dominance. So in the same way that our opinions about attractiveness are influenced by the previous face we saw, judgements about numerous other qualities are too.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Man swiping and liking profiles on relationship site or application" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574897/original/file-20240212-26-yb5mcw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/574897/original/file-20240212-26-yb5mcw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574897/original/file-20240212-26-yb5mcw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574897/original/file-20240212-26-yb5mcw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574897/original/file-20240212-26-yb5mcw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574897/original/file-20240212-26-yb5mcw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/574897/original/file-20240212-26-yb5mcw.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">It can be worth taking a moment before you swipe.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/dating-app-site-mobile-phone-screen-1204256557">Tero Vesalainen/Shutterstock</a></span>
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<p>To complicate matters, it isn’t clear whether these sequential effects are caused by a perceptual bias (what we thought of the previous face might change how we see the current one) or a response bias (how we physically responded to the previous face might affect our next response) since researchers typically ask participants to rate every face during the study. </p>
<p>But <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13506285.2021.1995558">one UK study from 2021</a> tried to separate out these explanations by asking participants to view (but not respond to) the previous face before rating the current one. The results showed a contrast effect, where judgements of the current face shifted away from the attractiveness of the face seen before it (given by a different set of participants). Therefore, the direction of bias might depend on whether we’re simply viewing faces or having to actively judge them.</p>
<p>Of course, attractiveness judgements often take the form of a binary decision (“hot or not”) when viewing dating profiles, much like the left or right swipe used by platforms such as Tinder. Researchers have also found sequential effects with <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/srep22740">this type of judgement</a>. </p>
<p>Participants in a 2016 study viewed a sequence of faces and decided whether each was “attractive” or “unattractive”. The results demonstrated an assimilation effect – participants were more likely to rate a face as attractive when they thought the preceding face was attractive than when it was unattractive.</p>
<p>While research has shown that photos play <a href="https://dl.acm.org/doi/pdf/10.1145/1357054.1357181">the biggest role</a> in a dating profile’s overall attractiveness, other factors such as <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0265407519878787">language errors</a> in the text can influence our judgements. Interestingly, in one study where pictures and text from the same dating profile were rated by different people, there was <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563211001786">a correlation</a> between the rated attractiveness given to the photos and the (separately rated) text that accompanied them. </p>
<p>Since ratings of perceived confidence were also collected, the researchers were able to show that physically attractive people tended to write accompanying text which came across as more confident, with this text judged to be more attractive by others.</p>
<p>So what can we take away from all these studies? You may already know about plenty of biases that people show when perceiving the world. For instance, people are susceptible to spotting <a href="https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2017.00067">faces in inanimate objects</a> or more likely to attribute positive qualities <a href="https://theconversation.com/halo-effect-do-attractive-people-really-look-less-guilty-how-the-evidence-is-changing-220349">to attractive people</a>. </p>
<p>However, you may not have been aware that viewing sequences of things can change your judgements. That’s not to say that choosing your current partner was entirely due to the quality of the profile that happened to pop up before theirs, but it may well have played a role.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223219/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Robin Kramer does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Something to bear in mind if you find yourself swiping through profiles on a dating app later today.Robin Kramer, Senior Lecturer in the School of Psychology, University of LincolnLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2194942023-12-13T01:02:55Z2023-12-13T01:02:55ZHe’s the romantic lead but has never had sex: what The Bachelors has to say about virginity<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/565085/original/file-20231212-21-m904rz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C3%2C2556%2C1299&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source"> Network 10 </span></span></figcaption></figure><p>“I’ve actually never had a girlfriend,” 32-year-old Bachelor Wesley Senna Cortes told contestant Brea Marshall in the second episode of the most recent season of The Bachelors Australia. </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Obviously, I grew up with Christian values and trying to do the right thing and not be another reason for girls not to trust men […] I never saw myself as being a one-night-stand guy and, matter of fact, I’ve actually never had sex.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>These twin disclosures – of Cortes’ lack of relationships and sexual experience – have formed the foundation of his narrative as one of the three leads in this season of Australia’s longest-running reality romance format. </p>
<p>He is an unusual figure not just in comparison to his fellow leads, Ben Waddell and Luke Bateman, but in reality television more broadly, where adult male virgins – particularly adult male virgins cast as romantic leads – are not commonly seen.</p>
<h2>Male virgins in reality romance shows</h2>
<p>This is not to say Cortes is a unicorn. There have been other male virgins on Australian reality romance shows and in The Bachelor franchise.</p>
<p>In 2019, then 29-year-old Matthew Bennett was one of the grooms on the sixth season of Married At First Sight. He <a href="https://www.who.com.au/mafs-virgin-matthew-bennett-today">disclosed to his TV wife</a>, Lauren Huntriss, he was still a virgin, and later <a href="https://www.nowtolove.com.au/reality-tv/married-at-first-sight/married-at-first-sight-matthew-virginity-tv-54010">lost his virginity</a> to her on their honeymoon. </p>
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<p>The <a href="https://people.com/tv/colton-underwood-channels-40-year-old-virgin-bachelor-promo/">poster for</a> the 23rd season of The Bachelor US (also 2019) closely mirrored that of the 2005 film The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and included the tagline, “What does he have to lose?”</p>
<p>Later, in his pointedly titled book The First Time: Finding Myself and Looking for Love on Reality TV, star Colton Underwood <a href="https://pagesix.com/2020/04/01/colton-underwood-writes-about-losing-his-virginity/">disclosed</a> he lost his virginity, like Bennett, under the auspices of the show, sleeping with his eventual partner, Cassie Randolph. </p>
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<p>It seems unlikely Cortes’ narrative in The Bachelors Australia will follow the same path. </p>
<p>For one, unlike Married at First Sight and the US iteration of The Bachelor, the Australian Bachelor franchise does not include sex as a narrative milestone (in the US, this is referred to as the “fantasy suite”). Secondly, he appears to embody “virgin” as an identity in a different way.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/from-bachelor-to-the-bachelors-why-australias-longest-running-dating-show-has-updated-the-old-formula-197414">From Bachelor to The Bachelors – why Australia's longest running dating show has updated the old formula</a>
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<h2>Ways of being a virgin</h2>
<p>Broadly speaking, sociological literature on virginity has identified two key virgin identity types: adamant virgins and potential non-virgins.</p>
<p>Adamant virgins have made an active decision not to have sex (often until marriage). Potential non-virgins, by contrast, have not made this decision, but have not found themselves in an appropriate situation. </p>
<p>Virgins in the first category often make their choice for religious or moral reasons. Those in the second category are often waiting for the right partner.</p>
<p>While their narratives of virginity are not as clear-cut as these two tidy identity categories, arguably both Bennett and Underwood were potential non-virgins. </p>
<p>“It was never a conscious choice to still be a virgin at 29,” Bennett said in <a href="https://au.sports.yahoo.com/unfortunate-side-effect-mafs-matt-still-virgin-203354960.html">his Married at First Sight audition tape</a>. </p>
<blockquote>
<p>It was just an unfortunate side effect of walling myself off from any sort of vulnerability, being social and dating.</p>
</blockquote>
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<p>Underwood, unlike Bennett, is openly Christian, and this was often assumed to be the reason for his maintained virginity. However, he <a href="https://www.vox.com/culture/22384066/colton-underwood-gma-interview-gay">offered a different one</a> after breaking up with Randolph and coming out as gay in 2021: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>I could never give anybody a good answer of why I was a virgin. The truth is I was a virgin Bachelor because I was gay, and I didn’t know how to handle it.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Cortes, however, seems to occupy the first category. He is a devout Christian and these religious convictions seem to have underpinned an active choice. </p>
<p>This makes him an adamant virgin – something of a problem for many of the women paired with him on the show.</p>
<h2>Virginity loss narratives</h2>
<p>Sociologist Laura Carpenter <a href="https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Virginity_Lost.html?id=pXXZn_qSoDoC&redir_esc=y">outlines</a> three key ways in which people tend to think about virginity loss: as a gift (something to be valued), as a stigma (something to be disposed of as soon as possible), and as part of a process (a rite of passage in a broader process of sexual maturation).</p>
<p>Many more men than women, she notes, tend to view their virginity in terms of stigma – as something “abnormal and in need of explanation”. This, paired with a widespread toxic assumption that virginity loss can make a boy a man, means male virginity in particular can be pathologised.</p>
<p>Unlike Underwood’s season of The Bachelor US, The Bachelors Australia has not sought to fetishise nor especially belabour Cortes’ virgin identity (unlike the way it approached the narrative of polyamorous contestant Jessica Navin <a href="https://theconversation.com/from-bachelor-to-the-bachelors-why-australias-longest-running-dating-show-has-updated-the-old-formula-197414">in the previous season</a>). Instead, his lack of relationship and sexual experience has been treated as a problem of compatibility with many of the female contestants. </p>
<p>Both Marshall, to whom he initially disclosed his virginity, and fellow contestant Jade Wilden have asked Cortes how comfortable he would be sexually progressing with a partner. </p>
<p>“I was nervous […] that he might progress too quickly, and […] now I’m nervous he won’t progress at all,” Marshall said. Wilden appeared to share that fear, especially when Cortes stated he would not want to move in with a partner before marriage.</p>
<p>If we think of virginity loss as a step in a process, this compatibility concern arises from a worry from these potential partners that they and Cortes might be at very different – possibly irreconcilable – steps in that process.</p>
<p>In the season premiere, the show teased the strong possibility one of the three Bachelors might end the show heartbroken. It will be interesting to see, given these narratives of potential mismatch developing around Cortes, whether that man will be him. </p>
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<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/is-the-bachelor-anti-feminist-or-is-conventional-heterosexual-romance-the-real-problem-81748">Is The Bachelor anti-feminist, or is conventional heterosexual romance the real problem?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
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<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/219494/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Jodi is the author of Here For The Right Reasons, Can I Steal You For A Second? and Not Here To Make Friends, three novels set on a reality romance show. </span></em></p>The twist in this season of The Bachelors? One is a virgin. What does this say about how society – and reality television – frames virginity?Jodi McAlister, Senior Lecturer in Writing, Literature and Culture, Deakin UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2146352023-10-04T20:30:38Z2023-10-04T20:30:38ZAre We Dating The Same Guy? Online groups toe the line between protecting women and defaming men<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551207/original/file-20230929-19-y6jzfd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=100%2C90%2C6609%2C4376&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Social media sites have given many the potential to reach millions of people instantly. With that reach, the risks and impacts of defamation can be far greater.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><iframe style="width: 100%; height: 100px; border: none; position: relative; z-index: 1;" allowtransparency="" allow="clipboard-read; clipboard-write" src="https://narrations.ad-auris.com/widget/the-conversation-canada/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-online-groups-toe-the-line-between-protecting-women-and-defaming-men" width="100%" height="400"></iframe>
<p>Infidelity and deception have always been part of dating and relationships. Traditionally managed privately between the parties or through legal processes, these issues have recently been co-opted by online vigilante communities that <a href="https://medium.com/sexography/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-has-become-a-hate-group-to-slander-innocent-men-a5f3a575585c">shame daters</a> — men in particular — who behave badly. </p>
<p>But are these online communities about more than shaming? Do they also safeguard women from getting exploited or hurt? </p>
<p>These questions are being debated in London, Ont., where a man featured on the Facebook group “Are We Dating the Same Guy? London, Ontario” <a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/london/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-facebook-group-london-ontario-1.6937007">launched a defamation lawsuit</a> against one of its administrators alleging he was called names, accused of sending lewd photos and labelled a bad parent.</p>
<p>As scholars who specialize in dating culture and defamation, this case is intriguing to us for the legal precedent it may set. It could also have far-reaching implications for people in the online dating world and anyone using social networking platforms.</p>
<p>Social media sites enable users to potentially reach millions of people instantly. With that reach, the risks and impacts of defamation can be far greater.</p>
<p>As university educators working in environments where online dating is widespread and incidents of gender-based and sexual violence <a href="https://ontariosuniversities.ca/student-voices-on-sexual-violence-survey">occur often</a>, we’re also interested in what this case could mean for university students.</p>
<h2>Are We Dating The Same Guy?</h2>
<p>The first group was launched on Facebook in New York in 2022 by women who wanted to protect one another from men who cheat, are violent or exploit them financially. </p>
<p>Since then, groups have sprouted up in hundreds of cities across <a href="https://mashable.com/article/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-facebook">North America</a>, <a href="https://www.radiofrance.fr/franceinter/podcasts/veille-sanitaire/veille-sanitaire-du-vendredi-02-juin-2023-4425553">Europe</a>, the <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/insider/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-inside-the-facebook-group-where-women-vet-men-they-re-talking-to-dating-apps-b1058726.html">United Kingdom</a> and <a href="https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/inside-wild-dating-groups-exposing-australian-men/news-story/616da5fa9c3335d4af90cff25811b531">Australia</a>. Men in Toronto have retaliated by also creating their own Facebook page: <a href="https://streetsoftoronto.com/are-we-dating-the-same-girl-facebook-group-toronto/">Are We Dating the Same Girl?</a></p>
<p>Members of the women’s groups post information about “red flag” men using screenshots of dating app profiles, text exchanges and sometimes memes. <a href="https://www.vice.com/en/article/dy375q/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-facebook-groups">Many posts</a> are anonymous, contain trigger warnings and are difficult to read because they detail awful instances of coercion, assault, racism, extortion and abuse.</p>
<p>However, the degree to which these groups actually protect women is up for debate and so is the purpose they serve. In some instances, these groups may be used to make <a href="https://www.bendsource.com/news/are-we-dating-the-same-guy-yes-19906004">false claims</a> about men. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A smartphone display with different dating app icons" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551210/original/file-20230929-29-bmdb1b.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Online dating has proliferated in recent years and groups have popped up to highlight daters who behave badly.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Online dating groups</h2>
<p>Online posts stating that someone has behaved poorly in the dating context could be considered defamatory. Men whose reputations suffer from the information featured in the groups <a href="https://theintercept.com/2023/07/22/metoo-defamation-lawsuits-slapp/">could sue</a> the people posting and the group administrators for defamation, especially if they are of high social or professional standing and have a lot to lose.</p>
<p>Post-writers might <a href="https://doi.org/10.3138/cjwl.34.1.03">defend themselves</a> against accusations of defamation through the defence of “truth.” The rationale for this defence is that a person cannot sue for reputational harm if the statement made about them is in fact true. </p>
<p>However, this defence would require posters to prove their allegations are true. We know from <a href="https://doi.org/10.3138/cjwl.22.2.397">decades of experience</a> that this can be especially difficult in stereotypical “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1350/ijep.2009.13.4.329">he said/she said</a>” situations. </p>
<p>Post-writers might also raise a “qualified privilege” defence. This protects someone against civil liability for defamatory statements made to <a href="https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/doc/2013/2013onsc4796/2013onsc4796.html?autocompleteStr=vanderkooy&autocompletePos=1">protect the interests</a> of another party, a common interest or the public interest. </p>
<p>Although these groups were established to protect women from toxic or dangerous men, it’s unclear whether group members have a legal or moral duty to share and receive this information, which is the hallmark of qualified privilege.</p>
<p>If any information is shared with malice or includes statements that exceed what is necessary to protect someone’s interests, the post-writers cannot rely on this defence. This means that vitriolic statements or gratuitous complaints about someone’s dating behaviour aren’t protected by qualified privilege. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A women on a laptop with a pensive look on her face." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551208/original/file-20230929-17-kdrt13.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Posters can defend themselves by saying their comments are truthful. But that can often be hard to prove in court.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Gender-based violence on campus</h2>
<p>Online dating, social media posting and defamation have unique implications for university campuses where additional dynamics are at play. </p>
<p>Students who experience distressing dating experiences, including gender-based and sexual violence, may post the names and photos of the perpetrators online to call out violence and protect fellow students. However, in doing so they could be vulnerable to defamation suits if they cannot legally prove that the statements are true. </p>
<p>Individuals labelled offenders could <a href="https://yorkspace.library.yorku.ca/server/api/core/bitstreams/cc69509d-8744-4ad6-a7aa-493332530f4b/content">bring defamation claims</a> or complaints against their accusers under student codes of conduct. </p>
<p>This happened at Yale University when a former <a href="https://apnews.com/article/yale-rape-acquittal-colleges-sexual-assault-1d74bbe89517db23c49a4a098186bd89">student was sued for defamation</a> after she reported that a fellow student had raped her. In 2018, a fired Yukon College instructor also <a href="https://www.yukon-news.com/news/fired-yukon-college-instructor-sues-student-over-sex-assault-allegations/">sued a student</a> who accused him of sexual assault and posted about it online.</p>
<p>Such cases could escalate campus tensions regarding safety issues and make it harder for people to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1108/GM-07-2022-0228">come forward about sexual assault</a>, which are already infrequent due to fears of being disbelieved, shamed by peers or reliving the traumas related to the events. </p>
<h2>More safeguards needed</h2>
<p>The romantic escapades of celebrities once dominated news headlines, but in our digital society, anyone’s dating life can be thrust into the spotlight. Are We Dating the Same Guy? groups highlight the thorny social and legal implications of posting what could be considered defamatory content. </p>
<p>The proliferation of these groups across the globe means we must reflect on the complicated world of online dating, where there is little protection for daters and few ramifications for people who behave badly. </p>
<p>The potential for students to be pulled into similarly complex legal battles is equally important to consider. To safeguard students, universities should ensure they are able to come forward about abuse, whether to file formal complaints or to obtain other supports. </p>
<p>Universities should also consider distributing information about online dating and social media issues so students better understand their rights and risks when it comes to gender-based and sexual violence, dating and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.emospa.2023.100975">campus safety</a>.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/214635/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Social media groups have emerged designed to protect women from bad dating experiences. Those who use them could be liable to being sued for defamation.Treena Orchard, Associate Professor, School of Health Studies, Western UniversityErika Chamberlain, Professor and Dean, Faculty of Law, Western UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2136322023-10-04T12:31:48Z2023-10-04T12:31:48ZWhy are some Chinese women still looking to the West for love?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551470/original/file-20231002-15-syyk7w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=18%2C9%2C6116%2C4074&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">In China, single women as young as 27 are considered 'leftover.'</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/man-and-woman-facing-each-other-on-balkony-royalty-free-image/926295480?phrase=illustration+man+looking+out+window&adppopup=true">Maciej Toporowicz/Monument via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Robert, an American truck driver in his 50s, lived in a trailer park in the Deep South. After divorcing his wife, who had cheated on him, he joined an online dating agency that connected Western men with Chinese women through translator-assisted email exchanges.</p>
<p>Robert told me he had become frustrated with American women, whom he felt were overly materialistic and had lost their “traditional family values.” (To protect the identities of my interviewees, I’ve used pseudonyms.) Yet Robert could barely afford to travel to China to meet the women with whom he exchanged emails. To save up, he often ate just a few dumplings for dinner, sometimes skipping the meal altogether. </p>
<p>Across the ocean, several Chinese women had gathered at their local dating agency, waiting to speak with their translator. Among them was Ruby, a former businesswoman in her mid-40s who had received a generous divorce settlement from her wealthy Chinese ex-husband and had retired in leisure. Next to Ruby stood another divorcee in her 40s, Daisy, who struggled to make ends meet as a department store sales clerk. </p>
<p>Despite their immense class differences, both women shared the same hope of marrying a Western man and moving abroad.</p>
<p>Commercial dating agencies like the one described here facilitate email exchanges and marriages between women from developing countries, such as Russia, Ukraine, China or Colombia, and men from economically advanced Western countries, such as the U.S., U.K., Canada or Australia. <a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/530647/love-in-the-time-of-algorithms-by-dan-slater/9781101608258">It’s a US$2 billion global business</a>. From 2008 to 2019, I conducted research for my book “<a href="https://www.sup.org/books/title/?id=35148">Seeking Western Men: Email-Order Brides under China’s Global Rise</a>” at three international dating agencies in China, interviewing 61 Chinese female clients.</p>
<p>I wanted to know why, despite China’s meteoric economic and cultural rise, so many women – especially those who were financially well-off – were still looking to the West for love and companionship.</p>
<h2>Options narrow with age</h2>
<p>Despite China’s staggering male-female gender imbalance – <a href="https://www.newsweek.com/china-has-nearly-35-million-more-single-men-women-1592486">where single men outnumber women by more than 30 million</a> – middle-aged divorced women still face significant struggles. </p>
<p>There’s the stereotypical Western media representation of “<a href="https://studybreaks.com/thoughts/shattering-myths-about-asian-mail-order-brides-through-screen-narratives/">mail-order brides</a>” – young women who marry older Western men to escape poverty. This dynamic persists. But contrary to this stereotype, the majority of women enrolled at the dating agencies where I conducted research were middle-aged and divorced. </p>
<p>None of them felt coerced, and they cited age discrimination in China as their No. 1 reason for seeking Western men. </p>
<p>As Ruby confided, “Here, rich men want a young girl who is 20 to show off.” </p>
<p>Although it’s no secret that divorced or widowed <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/four-in-ten-couples-are-saying-i-do-again/">men in many countries remarry younger women</a>, the pressure to do so is particularly acute in China, where women as young as 27 years old <a href="https://www.bloomsbury.com/us/leftover-women-9781783607891/">are stigmatized</a> as “leftover.”</p>
<p>Adding to the complexity, women with children from previous marriages – especially those with sons instead of daughters – face even more challenges in the local marriage market. Chinese women attribute this <a href="https://cardiffjournalism.co.uk/life360/for-many-chinese-men-no-house-means-no-marriage/">to societal norms</a> that expect young men to own a home or have made a down payment before tying the knot. This means that parents are expected to financially assist their sons with mortgages, and many single men don’t want to assume this financial responsibility when marrying a woman with a son. </p>
<p>Infidelity also ranks among the top concerns for women, in large part due to the country’s post-1978 <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-12-01/40-years-of-reform-that-transformed-china-into-a-superpower/10573468">economic reforms</a>, which spawned a new capitalist upper class. Many newly wealthy men – even those who were already married – started seeking younger, more sexualized women.</p>
<p>Ruby told me that her affluent ex-husband, who had a number of extramarital affairs, once quipped that “men are like teapots, each teapot should be matched with multiple teacups.” </p>
<p>It wasn’t just China’s newly wealthy class of men who started seeking romance outside of their marriages. Women told me of husbands who had lost their jobs and then turned to drinking, gambling and infidelity to cope with their newfound financial struggles.</p>
<p>While many female clients sought Western men as a tonic against Chinese men’s infidelity, this was hardly a concern for women who were mistresses to wealthy businessmen. </p>
<p>One former mistress, Jennifer, said, “I believe in patriarchy.” She preferred the company of rich men with multiple partners over faithful but less prosperous men. </p>
<p>As these mistresses aged, however, their wealthy paramours abandoned them for younger women. But they were unwilling to settle for lower-status, less successful men in China. After years of being out of the workforce, their lavish consumption habits were at odds with their weakened labor market prospects. </p>
<p>As a result, they turned to marriage migration as an option for escape.</p>
<h2>Spurned by the service sector</h2>
<p>Meanwhile, my interviews with sales clerks and nannies shed light on the challenges faced by middle-aged women without college degrees. Many of them had been laid off from state-owned factories in the 1990s, <a href="https://thediplomat.com/2016/03/chinas-coming-mass-layoffs-past-as-prologue/">when over 30 million workers lost their jobs</a>.</p>
<p>These women struggled to find new work in China’s service sector, <a href="https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/mein%C3%BC-jingjichinas-beauty-economy-buying-looks-shifting-value-and">which prioritizes hiring young, good-looking women</a>. Daisy, a 43-year-old, felt fortunate to have secured a job at a luxury department store, but she feared for her future job prospects. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A young female Chinese barista pours hot water as a male customer awaits his order." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551473/original/file-20231002-26-dsef6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/551473/original/file-20231002-26-dsef6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551473/original/file-20231002-26-dsef6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551473/original/file-20231002-26-dsef6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551473/original/file-20231002-26-dsef6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551473/original/file-20231002-26-dsef6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/551473/original/file-20231002-26-dsef6s.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">In China’s booming service sector, young applicants get preference over older ones.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/barista-is-making-coffee-in-a-new-starbucks-reserve-coffee-news-photo/992237296?adppopup=true">Zhang Peng/LightRocket via Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Meanwhile, less attractive women often had to work in less desirable positions: as nannies helping mothers take care of newborns, or street vendors who earned less than $5 per day. <a href="https://www.csis.org/blogs/new-perspectives-asia/reform-horizon-chinas-weak-social-safety-net">Without access</a> to health insurance, retirement benefits or other social safety net programs, many of these women were desperate to leave China.</p>
<p>Finally, many struggling single mothers marry Western men so their children can study overseas. </p>
<p>Some of them want their children to escape <a href="https://www.vice.com/en/article/bvm8aq/china-education-rigid-gaokao-alternative-learning-beijing-school">China’s exam-driven education system</a> that can burden students with excessive schoolwork and no playtime. Others feel that the Chinese job market favors social connections over qualification. </p>
<p>Joanne, a retail manager with dreams of sending her teenage son to the U.S. for college, pointed out, “Unlike in the U.S., a lot of good jobs in China depend on ‘hou tai’” – the Chinese term for “social background” or “lineage.” </p>
<p>“Having a degree is not enough,” she added.</p>
<h2>Mixed marriage experiences</h2>
<p>Interestingly, of the 30 women in my study who were financially secure, only 12 ended up marrying Western men. By comparison, 26 of the 31 financially struggling women married and moved abroad. </p>
<p>This is because many financially secure women were used to dating wealthy Chinese businessmen and politicians, so they often rejected their working-class Western suitors. After meeting these men face to face, they realized that they lacked the refined taste, lifestyle and sexual experience of their Chinese lovers. </p>
<p>By contrast, the financially struggling women held a different perspective. Daisy, who married a French mechanic, eventually grew to appreciate her husband for being kind and caring to her, even though she was not initially attracted to him and called him “foolish and clumsy, like someone from the peasant class.”</p>
<p>Moreover, Daisy valued the opportunity to work as a waitress and earn $1,500 per month, which enabled her to send some money home to her daughter in China.</p>
<p>Likewise, Robert, the truck driver, eventually found love with a Chinese woman. She moved into his trailer and worked as a masseuse on the side to send money back to her sons in China. </p>
<p>While some brides felt content in their new marriages, others suffered. For example, Joanne found herself in a toxic relationship with a controlling American man. Yet she stayed with her husband because her older age, limited English skills and her son’s need for financial support as a college student in the U.S. left her with few other options. </p>
<p>As Joanne’s experience shows, given the gender, age and class inequalities that continue to plague modern-day China, single Chinese women can find themselves choosing between a rock and a hard place.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/213632/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Monica Liu does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Their desire to pursue marriage abroad not only reveals their longing for a better life but also reveals the pervasive gender, age and class inequalities that continue to plague modern-day China.Monica Liu, Assistant Professor of Sociology, University of St. ThomasLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2127782023-09-13T03:55:37Z2023-09-13T03:55:37ZHow TikTok’s dating story time trend offers a glimpse into the sometimes weird world of modern romance<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/547928/original/file-20230913-17-fex0qp.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=11%2C0%2C3982%2C1994&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">TikTok</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>In the ever-evolving realm of social media, TikTok has emerged as a dynamic platform that has reshaped how we engage with content and share our personal romantic stories. Within this vibrant ecosystem, one phenomenon has caught romance raconteurs’ attention: dating story time. </p>
<p>The #DatingStoryTime hashtag has transformed into a virtual stage where users narrate their dating experiences, weaving a colourful tapestry of narratives that mirror the complexities of modern romance.</p>
<p>To unlock the depths of the trend and its impact, I examined a series of TikTok accounts that actively employed the #DatingStoryTime hashtag. My research encompassed several crucial dimensions: the milestone that users discussed, the situational context and the audience engagement. </p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-922" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/922/2a397e1b1b79c36c57ce3b21204ec6ccdebe80df/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<h2>Milestones, context and comments</h2>
<p>The study explored the nature of milestones discussed in the TikTok videos, which ranged from the excitement of a first date to the heartache of a breakup. </p>
<p>Another vital aspect was the context in which users chose to share their dating stories. Were these stories recounted during everyday activities, such as knitting, breakfast or makeup application? This sought to unveil the ordinary scenarios that users engaged in as they participated in the dating story time trend.</p>
<p>The study also delved into the responses generated within the TikTok community, examining the types of comments and interactions these videos attracted. Were users met with support, trolling or a blend of both? </p>
<p>Scrutinising the audience’s reactions provided insights into how this trend influences perceptions of dating.</p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-923" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/923/3210b9815afcc464323bc315340543305a5e2d5c/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<h2>Humour and horror in dating</h2>
<p>Among the TikToks examined in the study, many showcased humorous tales from first date experiences. These stories often revolved around socially awkward behaviours, such as unwanted public displays of affection, conflict about paying the bill or other unusual behaviours. </p>
<p>In addition to recounting in-person encounters, users also shared quirky and entertaining dating app conversations. These interactions offered a glimpse into the early stages of modern romance in the digital age – weird and abrupt, filled with ghosting and often strange or unwarranted sexual and personal requests. </p>
<p>Some TikTok users opted to compile their dating experiences into aggregated summaries. For instance, several users created a <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@annakwatson/video/7179371727695220011">lighthearted PowerPoint</a> presentation summarising their dating adventures throughout the year 2022. The presentations included statistics on first dates, compatibility ratings and even the types of dates, ranging from movie nights to weddings. </p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-920" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/920/39d7b96031a28172eacf0b0ede83b8e3e89085e1/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<h2>Subverting dating norms</h2>
<p>Overall, the study revealed a challenging of cultural norms in relation to dating. TikTok influencers within this space often subvert conventional dating norms and invite their followers to engage in discussions on difficult topics (like consent) and invite them to demonstrate support. </p>
<p>This is exemplified by users who share stories of boundary violations and encourage their audience to deliberate on whether such behaviour <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@complex/video/7249465236179438894">constitutes a red flag</a>. These discussions are conducted in a humorous, ironic way. But they also cut deep and tell a powerful, validating story about modern dating.</p>
<p>Most TikTok users participating in dating story time recorded their videos in ordinary and intimate settings. This practice not only mimics <a href="https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/vlog">vlogging</a> video blogs but also fosters a sense of intimacy, friendship and community. </p>
<p>By sharing these experiences in familiar surroundings, TikTokers extend their digital reach to a broader audience, creating a culture of care reminiscent of real-life interactions with close friends.</p>
<p>The comments section on TikTok offers a unique space for further negotiation of romantic milestones, support networks and audience engagement. Users can reinforce or challenge behaviours seen in dating experiences, thereby creating or disrupting communities of care. </p>
<p>TikTok has also emerged as a platform for addressing issues such as <a href="https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/abs/10.1086/682749">sexual racism</a>, where users share and challenge stereotypes they have encountered on first dates.</p>
<p>TikTok’s #DatingStoryTime has the power to normalise the idea that dating is a journey filled with potential missteps and pitfalls. It is also a space where inappropriate behaviours should be called out. </p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-921" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/921/9d246fb4933703f4241867ab5a91b1cd3a4532eb/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<h2>Risks and rules</h2>
<p>TikTok’s subversion of cultural dating norms fosters a culture of exploration and encourages viewers to challenge conventional ideas of love and connection.</p>
<p>Similar to the characters in romantic comedies who are willing to take risks and break the rules, TikTok influencers within the dating story time space are altering perceptions of dating and relationships.</p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-924" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/924/a4b405271699d64dd3c75e49d394b2b5f50aacc3/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<p>In the spirit of humour, camaraderie and cultural critique, #DatingStoryTime on TikTok has evolved into a space where romantic cultural norms are questioned, challenge, and reconstructed. </p>
<p>Through humour and authenticity, TikTok is reshaping the narrative of modern romance, allowing users to share their stories, build coalitions, create safe spaces and ultimately reclaim agency in the world of dating.</p>
<p>In a digital landscape characterised by irreverence and absurdity, TikTok’s influence on contemporary dating culture is undeniable and its impact continues to be a subject of fascination and exploration.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/212778/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Lisa Portolan does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The #DatingStoryTime hashtag has transformed into a virtual stage where users narrate their dating experiences, a colourful tapestry of narratives that mirrors the complexities of modern romance.Lisa Portolan, PhD student, Institute for Culture and Society, Western Sydney UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2125692023-09-06T21:48:14Z2023-09-06T21:48:14ZThe price of love: Why millennials and Gen Zs are running up major dating debt<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546762/original/file-20230906-40532-qq86zj.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span></figcaption></figure><iframe style="width: 100%; height: 100px; border: none; position: relative; z-index: 1;" allowtransparency="" allow="clipboard-read; clipboard-write" src="https://narrations.ad-auris.com/widget/the-conversation-canada/the-price-of-love-why-millennials-and-gen-zs-are-running-up-major-dating-debt" width="100%" height="400"></iframe>
<p><a href="https://nypost.com/2019/09/12/heres-how-much-money-the-average-american-spends-on-dating/">The average American invests US$120,000 throughout their lifetime in pursuit of love</a>, spending significant money on romantic dinners, movie outings and thoughtful gifts, not to mention personal grooming and cosmetic products. </p>
<p>As a result, according to <a href="https://www.lendingtree.com/credit-cards/study/dating-money-inflation/">a survey by LendingTree</a>, 22 per cent of millennials and 19 per cent of Gen Z have begun to incur “dating debt.”</p>
<p>Another study by <a href="https://www.creditkarma.com/insights/i/dating-debt-young-adults-survey">Credit Karma</a> found that 29 per cent of people aged 18–34 have accrued debt for a date, with 21 per cent exceeding $500 in dating debt in a year. Reasons include accidental overspending (29 per cent), an attempt to impress dates (28 per cent) and seeking intimacy (19 per cent).</p>
<p>But another survey <a href="https://www.finder.com/unacceptable-partner-debt">by Finder</a> also reveals that 44 per cent of Gen Zs consider debt a romantic deal-breaker when considering a partner. </p>
<p>This highlights potential ties between accumulating <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00715.x">dating-related debt and barriers to the chances of success</a> in forming meaningful romantic connections.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A man sits on a picnic blanket and opens a bottle of champagne." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546426/original/file-20230905-25-1rh7hy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546426/original/file-20230905-25-1rh7hy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=429&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546426/original/file-20230905-25-1rh7hy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=429&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546426/original/file-20230905-25-1rh7hy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=429&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546426/original/file-20230905-25-1rh7hy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=539&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546426/original/file-20230905-25-1rh7hy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=539&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546426/original/file-20230905-25-1rh7hy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=539&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Luxury dates are leading to debt for millennials and Gen Zs.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Jelleke Vanooteghem/Unsplash)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>This conundrum is a problem for younger generations, where the pursuit of love and connection is intricately tied to an appetite for luxury, ultimately leading to debt accumulation. </p>
<p>The trend has implications for financial stability, emotional well-being and the very essence of modern relationships.</p>
<p>There are a few issues fuelling it, including the desire to signal status and the persuasive retail marketing of luxury as being synonymous with love, creating that false sense of connection between luxury and love.</p>
<h2>‘Costly signalling’</h2>
<p>Accumulating debt for romantic engagements has its roots in an innate human desire — namely, the urge to signal status. In a digital age where social media and online dating platforms are the norm, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s11621-012-0108-7">standing out in a crowd has never been more challenging</a>, yet it’s also crucial.</p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-16999-6_3483-1">The “costly signalling” theory</a> may explain why such habits develop. It argues that humans and animals use resource-intensive or risky behaviours as genuine, hard-to-fake signals indicating their desirable traits and availability. </p>
<p>This is related to <a href="https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203936993">conspicuous consumption</a>, which is driven by a desire for status and the clear signalling of this status to onlookers. </p>
<p><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/after-service/202102/what-your-social-signals-reveal">Signalling status in relationships or social circles isn’t uncommon</a>, but it’s found a financial expression in younger generations. Young adults are increasingly associating luxury experiences and goods with a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1057/palgrave.bm.2540194">unique form of personal expression</a>. </p>
<p>Whether it’s a lavish dinner at a high-end restaurant or gifting a designer handbag, these actions become <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/21639159.2022.2033132">markers of distinction and status</a>. While these acts add a layer of individuality to a relationship, they come with the risk of potential financial instability.</p>
<h2>Retail marketing</h2>
<p>Retailers often <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/jcr/ucac034">employ strategic marketing tactics to link luxury with love</a>, capitalizing on the emotional connection between these two powerful concepts to entice consumers into purchasing high-end goods. </p>
<p>For instance, luxury brands often release limited-edition Valentine’s Day collections, adorned with romantic motifs and themes, ranging from heart-shaped jewellery to high-end designer fragrances. </p>
<p>Additionally, retailers leverage the allure of love in their advertisements. They often showcase couples exchanging luxury gifts in opulent settings, fostering an aspirational connection between luxury products and romantic ideals. </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="A diamond engagement ring on a Tiffany blue background." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546439/original/file-20230905-19-g0bd2x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546439/original/file-20230905-19-g0bd2x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=353&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546439/original/file-20230905-19-g0bd2x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=353&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546439/original/file-20230905-19-g0bd2x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=353&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546439/original/file-20230905-19-g0bd2x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=444&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546439/original/file-20230905-19-g0bd2x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=444&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546439/original/file-20230905-19-g0bd2x.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=444&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The Tiffany ‘Believe in Love’ campaign featured links to engagement ring offerings.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Unsplash)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>For example, <a href="https://www.tiffany.ca/engagement/love-stories/">Tiffany & Co. released a “Believe in Love”</a> campaign featuring stories of seven couples at different stages of their relationships, and how Tiffany has played a part in their love journey.</p>
<p>Retailers create an <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/jcr/ucac034">ambience of indulgence and luxury</a>, presenting their offerings as tokens of affection and devotion. </p>
<p>Personalized engraving services on luxury items, such as monogrammed initials or special dates, further enhance the sentimentality and connection between the product and the act of gifting, convincing consumers to spend money on these high-end, emotionally charged offerings. </p>
<p>For example, Gucci’s “<a href="https://www.lofficielbaltic.com/en/fashion/apple-of-my-eye-gucci-s-apple-print-collection-comes-in-time-for-chinese-valentine-s-day">apple of my eye</a>” limited-edition collection shows two interlocking red letter Gs that are meant to signify romantic love.</p>
<p>These strategic marketing tactics linking luxury with love contribute to more debt by enticing consumers to overspend on high-end goods with premium price tags. They promote impulse buying through limited-edition collections, foster unrealistic desires through aspirational advertising, encourage additional spending on personalized services and compel people to prioritize romantic gestures over financial responsibility.</p>
<p>This ultimately leads to the accumulation of debt as consumers strive to express their love through emotionally charged purchases.</p>
<h2>False sense of connection</h2>
<p>But there seems to be an intriguing paradox when it comes to luxury goods and their ties to social relationships. </p>
<p>While luxury items can enhance someone’s social image and boost self-perception, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1108/JCM-09-2014-1161">people also tend to view themselves more positively when they possess or experience luxury — even though they often hold a less favourable view of others who do the same</a>. </p>
<p>This sheds light on a fascinating discrepancy in self-versus-other evaluations when it comes to luxury consumption. </p>
<p>In a dating context, a person boasting about the purchase of an expensive wine on a dinner date, for example, may over-estimate whether it will actually impress their date.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A glass of white wine sits in front of a woman at a table in a restaurant." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546516/original/file-20230905-31392-5c4cul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/546516/original/file-20230905-31392-5c4cul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546516/original/file-20230905-31392-5c4cul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546516/original/file-20230905-31392-5c4cul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546516/original/file-20230905-31392-5c4cul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546516/original/file-20230905-31392-5c4cul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/546516/original/file-20230905-31392-5c4cul.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Ordering an expensive bottle of wine on a date isn’t necessarily impressive.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(JP Valery/Unsplash)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Gift-givers often believe that more expensive gifts are more appreciated, assuming they convey greater thoughtfulness. But gift recipients don’t necessarily share this belief because they don’t consistently link gift price to their level of appreciation.</p>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2008.11.003">This suggests that gift-givers may not accurately predict what gifts will be meaningful to others</a>. And because they personally may connect expensive gifts with something meaningful, it may lead them to spend more, ultimately contributing to greater dating debt.</p>
<p>Interestingly, while it’s known that people use luxury items to signal their social status and earning capacity, the reactions to such gifts may be complex. Indeed, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2019.103945">many people prioritize their independence and question the giver’s motives behind such gifts, fearing power imbalances and expectations</a>. </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/an-essential-piece-in-every-wardrobe-young-people-are-shopping-for-luxury-like-never-before-184536">'An essential piece in every wardrobe': Young people are shopping for luxury like never before</a>
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<p>Instead, they may value personal connections over materialistic displays and be cautious in the early stages of a relationship. </p>
<p>Ultimately, open and honest communication about expectations is crucial for navigating these complexities, ensuring that gift-giving aligns with the relationship’s goals and mutual desires.</p>
<p>The concept of luxury often gets mixed up with our quest for love, creating a captivating but misleading link between the two. In the realm of romantic relationships, luxury goods or indulging in extravagant experiences can sometimes make us feel closer to our partners than we really are.</p>
<p>But the ties between luxury and love can be deceiving. While luxury can certainly add to the romance, it’s important for younger generations to see the difference between flashy things and the deep, lasting connections that bring us closer to love.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/212569/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Genuine love holds immeasurable value, yet discovering it can pose challenges — and come with a significant price tag.Omar H. Fares, Lecturer in the Ted Rogers School of Retail Management, Toronto Metropolitan UniversitySeung Hwan (Mark) Lee, Professor and Associate Dean of Engagement & Inclusion, Ted Rogers School of Management, Toronto Metropolitan UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2105462023-08-01T20:14:40Z2023-08-01T20:14:40ZIs traditional heterosexual romance sexist?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540323/original/file-20230801-20-gufy6l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Despite progress towards greater gender equality, many people remain stubbornly attached to <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0891243218809604">old-fashioned</a> gender roles in romantic relationships between women and men.</p>
<p>Conventions around heterosexual romance dictate that men should <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12144-019-00298-7">approach</a> women to initiate romantic interactions, ask women out on <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-019-01056-6">dates</a>, pay on <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/00332941211057144">dates</a>, make marriage <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0743558412447871">proposals</a>, and that women should take their husband’s <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-016-0628-8?fd=5847139347577468%7C5071078435750678&lp=/dating-women">surname</a> after marriage.</p>
<p>While some might view these conventions as sexist and anachronistic, others find them captivating and romantic. </p>
<p>They reflect differentiated gender roles in which men take the lead and women follow. Feminist <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/02/if-you-want-marriage-equals-then-date-equals/606568/">critiques</a> of such practices argue that they reinforce male <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0192513x10391045">dominance</a> over women in intimate relationships.</p>
<p>So we set out to find out why women might still be attracted to these conventions in the modern world. We <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-023-01405-6">surveyed</a> 458 single women in Australia on their preference for these conventions, as well as a range of other attitudes and desires.</p>
<p>The study examined whether these conventions might simply be a benign reflection of women’s personal preferences for partners and relationships. But we also considered the possibility that they might be underpinned by sexist attitudes.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/no-chivalry-is-not-dead-but-its-about-time-it-was-174197">No, chivalry is not dead – but it's about time it was</a>
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</em>
</p>
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<h2>What do women want from men?</h2>
<p>One possible reason women prefer these romance conventions is simply because they are traditional, and people like traditions. However, many of these conventions only really took hold in the <a href="https://www.google.com.au/books/edition/Labor_of_Love/nqTPCgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=0">20th century</a>.</p>
<p>Some provide a handy script that we can follow in romantic interactions. They help us to navigate the uncertainty of the situation by removing some of the guess work about who should do what.</p>
<p>Another possibility is that men’s enactment of these romance conventions indicates their likelihood of being a committed and invested <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0891243213503899">partner</a>. It may also <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-women-including-feminists-are-still-attracted-to-benevolently-sexist-men-101067">signal</a> he has resources available to invest in a relationship (and family), which research shows women find <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797620904154">appealing</a> in a partner.</p>
<h2>Women like ‘nice’ men</h2>
<p>We <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-023-01405-6">considered</a> whether women’s endorsement of these romance conventions might be explained by their personal preferences for partners and relationships. Specifically, we predicted that the preference for these conventions would be greater among women with a stronger desire to find a committed and invested partner.</p>
<p>We found women’s desire for an invested partner was indeed correlated with a greater preference for these conventions. This preference was also stronger among those who favoured a long-term committed relationship and disfavoured short-term casual sexual relationships.</p>
<p>We also investigated women’s attraction to dominant men, since these conventions require men to take the lead and play a more active role in romantic encounters. As predicted, women’s attraction to more dominant characteristics in a partner – such as being assertive and powerful – was also correlated with a greater preference for these conventions.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/women-show-sexual-preference-for-tall-dominant-men-so-is-gender-inequality-inevitable-98159">Women show sexual preference for tall, dominant men – so is gender inequality inevitable?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>But is it sexist?</h2>
<p><a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-016-0628-8?fd=5847139347577468%7C5071078435750678&lp=/dating-women">Previous research</a> has found that sexist attitudes and feminist identity are also relevant.</p>
<p>We found women who preferred these romance conventions were less likely to identify as a feminist. They were also higher on <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2001-00159-001">benevolent sexism</a>, which is a chivalrous form of sexism that idealises women, but also views them as less competent and needing men’s protection. We even found that they were higher on hostile sexism, which is a more overt form of sexism towards women.</p>
<p>Importantly, we analysed all these variables together to reveal the strongest predictor of the preference for these romance conventions.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540331/original/file-20230801-191965-8l1956.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/540331/original/file-20230801-191965-8l1956.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540331/original/file-20230801-191965-8l1956.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540331/original/file-20230801-191965-8l1956.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540331/original/file-20230801-191965-8l1956.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540331/original/file-20230801-191965-8l1956.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/540331/original/file-20230801-191965-8l1956.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">‘Benevolent sexism’ idolises women, but also views them as weaker and less capable than men.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>We found women’s desire for an invested partner and a long-term relationship no longer accounted for women’s preference for these conventions. However, women who were less inclined to short-term casual sexual relationships were still more likely to prefer these conventions.</p>
<p>The strongest predictor of the preference for these conventions was benevolent sexism. This is somewhat unsurprising, since these conventions look very much like expressions of benevolent sexism in a romantic context.</p>
<p>Most strikingly, overt or hostile sexism still predicted women’s preference for these conventions.</p>
<p>In short, sexism stood out beyond women’s personal preferences for partners and relationships. This ultimately supports this idea that these conventions may be underpinned by sexist attitudes.</p>
<h2>Is romance incompatible with gender equality?</h2>
<p>Old-fashioned romance might seem benign and even enchanting. But some might find it problematic if it reinforces inequality between women and men in romantic <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0963721416686213">relationships</a>. We know that even subtle forms of <a href="https://theconversation.com/still-serving-guests-while-your-male-relatives-relax-everyday-sexism-like-this-hurts-womens-mental-health-116728">everyday sexism</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/no-chivalry-is-not-dead-but-its-about-time-it-was-174197">benevolent sexism</a> are harmful to women’s wellbeing and success.</p>
<p>As society moves towards greater gender equality, we may become increasingly aware of how rigid and restrictive gender roles play out in the context of private relationships.</p>
<p>Some might fear that increasing gender equality means the death of romance. But romance among those with diverse genders and sexualities should reassure us that it doesn’t require a universal and pre-determined script.</p>
<p>Perhaps a more critical understanding of ourselves might help us relinquish our attachment to following a simplistic formula set by others.</p>
<p>Embracing individual differences over inflexible conventions may also allow us the freedom to explore alternatives. We might start to see more egalitarian, or even female-led, romance.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/210546/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Beatrice Alba does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Despite greater gender equality, some women still prefer traditional gender roles in heterosexual relationships. We set out to discover why.Beatrice Alba, Lecturer, School of Psychology, Deakin UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2064082023-06-05T20:03:34Z2023-06-05T20:03:34ZFrom being mildly late to sucking on people’s tears – what is a ‘beige flag’ on TikTok?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/529989/original/file-20230605-29-u017ez.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=5%2C2%2C1991%2C994&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">TikTok</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>TikTok is one of the most prevalent social media platforms for trend-setting and trend-spotting – particularly within the relationship space. From trends and concepts like <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/tag/datingstorytime?lang=en">#DatingStoryTime</a> to numbering the <a href="https://www.pedestrian.tv/sex-dating/five-stages-of-relationships-tiktok-explained/">five stages of a relationship</a>, TikTok is at the forefront of determining what’s hot and what’s not in the relationship world.</p>
<p>The newest trend to hit TikTok from a relationship trend perspective: beige flags. </p>
<p>TikTok has been making headlines recently in relation to <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2023/apr/04/australia-wide-ban-of-tiktok-on-government-devices-announced-as-senior-politicians-quit-the-app">government bans</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/china-could-be-harvesting-tiktok-data-but-much-of-the-user-information-is-already-out-in-the-open-201897">Chinese data usage</a>. </p>
<p>For those unfamiliar with the platform, TikTok, is a video-sharing social media platform originally released by ByteDance as “Douyin” in China. Since its merger with Musical.ly in 2018, it has become a worldwide phenomenon. As of February 2021, TikTok was downloaded over 2.6 billion times worldwide, and boasts approximately one billion monthly average users.</p>
<p>Many would argue it presents similar features to pre-existing social media platforms like Instagram, Snapchat or Facebook. However, its ubiquity and popularity is often linked to its variety of content and distinct brand of <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/why-is-millennial-humor-so-weird/2017/08/11/64af9cae-7dd5-11e7-83c7-5bd5460f0d7e_story.html">weird humour</a> echoed in many TikTok videos. </p>
<p>But TikTok is not simply fluff, it has increasingly become a space of contestation, negotiation and information of cultural, social and political norms.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/china-could-be-harvesting-tiktok-data-but-much-of-the-user-information-is-already-out-in-the-open-201897">China could be harvesting TikTok data, but much of the user information is already out in the open</a>
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<p>Perhaps <a href="https://www.refinery29.com/en-au/tik-tok-crop-story-time-explained">best described by Refinery29</a>, TikTok has become a place “where we can learn about others’ morning routines, check out the latest headband hairstyles and follow creators who wear Victorian fashion every day” as well as “a place to exchange serious ideas … TikTok is helping people to question if they’re really straight, or just subscribing to ‘compulsive heterosexuality’”.</p>
<p>The latest TikTok relationship trend: beige flags. A trend which allows for both discussion and change in the relationship space but may also reinforce pre-existing boundaries and norms.</p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-868" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/868/0e876391897f99d4b8ad35e953c0fcb0ca4ba2b2/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<h2>What is a “beige flag”?</h2>
<p>The term “beige flag” was initially popularised by dating apps and referred to people who hadn’t put enough effort into their dating app profile, or presented as incredibly boring. </p>
<p>This included profiles which lent into generic hobbies like, “going to the gym” or a profile with a pedestrian series of pics, for example, a heterosexual standard, a single person holding a small dog. </p>
<p>In essence, the person wasn’t a “red flag” but a “beige flag” – for boredom. The term stuck briefly, but shifted quickly to another definition on TikTok. </p>
<p>The TikTok <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/discover/beige-flag?lang=en">beige flag</a> definition refers to the odd quirks your partner may have – which bother you, but you are willing to accept. Examples include, extreme lateness, sucking tears off crying faces, assisting wait-staff if food is late at a restaurant or even tearing off holey underwear as a form of entertainment. </p>
<p>Those developing the content around beige flags are usually in a long-term relationship and the post is framed as satirical or humorous.</p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-869" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/869/344dc3e3b9d6af00f2ee9466aa362d84bd024d8e/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<h2>Romance on TikTok</h2>
<p>This follows trends like #DatingStoryTime, where users are encouraged to chronicle their dating wins and disasters in a vlog-like style. Some of these stories might include first date debacles on foods or drinks payment, strange and off-putting dating app Direct Messenger chit-chat and other spoof-like dating stories. </p>
<p>Again, this plays into a modern humour, a kind of jolly-absurdism, or merry-nihilism. </p>
<p>Simultaneously, these trends play into our desires, as human beings, to emplot ourselves into a masterplot. An overarching story which gives our lives shape, definition, a beginning-middle-end. </p>
<p>In this case, and via TikTok, users are playing into a well-known, white, western storyline: the romantic masterplot, and in particular the rom-com format. </p>
<p>Indeed, many of these relationship reels on TikTok rely on humour to entertain audiences, through beige flags or other intimacy trends, which are usually exaggerated for comedic effect.</p>
<p><div data-react-class="Tweet" data-react-props="{"tweetId":"1665312451821293570"}"></div></p>
<p>By presenting these scenarios in a humorous way, TikTok can both entertain audiences and also help to normalise the idea that dating and relationships are processes fraught with potential missteps and pitfalls.</p>
<p>By laughing at these awkward situations, audiences may be more willing to accept that it is okay to make mistakes while dating and that these mistakes do not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. Also, that “odd” and “unusual” relationships are also relatively common.</p>
<p><iframe id="tc-infographic-870" class="tc-infographic" height="400px" src="https://cdn.theconversation.com/infographics/870/31a824f02bd9ddf011c9b6e4af1941dc1d4e6b71/site/index.html" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<h2>Sites of struggle and negotiation</h2>
<p>Academic Martin Nakata argues online spaces – such as TikTok – can be understood as digitally mediated “sites of struggle over the meaning of [our] experience”. Meaning that they are spaces where users can discuss, share opinions, contest and form new ways of thinking.</p>
<p>In contrast, TikTok has also been accused of moderating and removing LGBTIQ+ content. In 2019, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2019/dec/03/tiktok-owns-up-to-censoring-some-users-videos-to-stop-bullying">The Guardian reported</a> that TikTok’s efforts to provide locally sensitive moderation had resulted in the removal of content that could be perceived as being positive towards LGBTIQ+ people or LGBTIQ+ rights (such as same-sex couples holding hands) in countries such as Turkey. </p>
<p>With concepts like beige flags, #DatingStoryTime and other romantic trends, TikTok is pushing boundaries and leading us to question previously rigid dating norms and practices. It is also connecting like-minded people and establishing cultures of care among them.</p>
<p><a href="https://theconversation.com/au/topics/social-media-and-society-125586" target="_blank"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/479539/original/file-20220817-20-g5jxhm.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=144&fit=crop&dpr=1" width="100%"></a></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/206408/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Lisa Portolan does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The TikTok beige flag refers to the odd quirks your partner may have – which bother you, but you are also willing to accept – and you probably have one yourself.Lisa Portolan, PhD student, Institute for Culture and Society, Western Sydney UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2055652023-05-17T03:26:26Z2023-05-17T03:26:26ZThink you might be dating a ‘vulnerable narcissist’? Look out for these red flags<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/526685/original/file-20230517-17-bi5991.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=66%2C275%2C7282%2C4627&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Single people are increasingly turning online to find love, with more than <a href="https://www.businessofapps.com/data/dating-app-market/">300 million people</a> around the world trying their luck on dating apps. Some find their fairy tale. But for others, stories of online dating have very different endings. </p>
<p>You may be ghosted after a seemingly blissful start, or strung along with just crumbs of attention. Perhaps you suddenly learn the person you’re dating isn’t who you thought they were.</p>
<p>If these scenarios sound familiar, you may have dated a “vulnerable narcissist”.</p>
<h2>The dark side of online dating</h2>
<p>These days, about 30% of new relationships <a href="https://www.monash.edu/news/articles/rise-of-the-ebabies-kids-born-to-aussie-couples-who-met-online-will-be-in-the-majority-by-2038">form online</a>, and experts say this will only become more common in the future. But online dating isn’t without risk.</p>
<p>Antisocial dating behaviours are common online, such as <a href="https://theconversation.com/when-texts-suddenly-stop-why-people-ghost-on-social-media-171932#:%7E:text=Ghosting%20happens%20when%20someone%20cuts,a%20ghost%2C%20they%20just%20vanish.">ghosting</a> and breadcrumbing (when someone gives you crumbs of attention to keep you interested, with no intention of progressing the relationship). These experiences are often painful for the person on the receiving end, resulting in diminished <a href="https://www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/17/3/1116?amp=1">self-esteem and wellbeing</a>.</p>
<p>Misrepresentation is also rife online. One study found up to 81% of online dating users had engaged in <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2020.1714577?casa_token=bpv_gGMc3H0AAAAA%3AAMGr1fH2YISVI2mw_RSBIDKNNFJ-Iwibx-gI9Yi2G28pAGHr1X4POqkCGTtCRAYL6aQvKuOsiEza">some form of it</a>. Some forms of misrepresentation are arguably innocuous, such as a carefully selected profile photo. But others are more deceptive and potentially harmful, such as presenting one’s personality inauthentically to lure a potential mate. </p>
<h2>Behind the mask</h2>
<p>In <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0736585323000497#b0075">new research</a> conducted by me and my colleagues Eliza Oliver and Evita March, we explore how personality traits can be associated with inauthentic self-presentation while online dating. </p>
<p>We were particularly interested in a sub-type of narcissism called vulnerable narcissism. Narcissism in a broad sense can be conceptualised as a personality trait that falls on a continuum. Those at the extreme end are characterised by entitlement, superiority, and a strong need for attention, admiration and approval. </p>
<p><a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00711.x?casa_token=zRwVnmU2U0oAAAAA%3AGB9QPb8uZg9q10NvzRktf6kKxcCYQzU8y67x0x4p5NlFRIurhFOseZImTp3hJVsWrBTKgwSnOyNG2a0wFg">Vulnerable narcissism</a> is characterised by high emotional sensitivity and a defensive, insecure grandiosity that masks feelings of incompetence and inadequacy.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/526687/original/file-20230517-15-e132h0.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Vulnerable narcissists tend to mask feelings of inadequacy with a grandiose presentation.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>For <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0736585323000497#b0075">our study</a>, we recruited a sample of 316 online daters (55% female) via the crowdsourcing platform <a href="https://www.prolific.co/">Prolific</a>. We measured their scores for vulnerable narcissism, along with other “<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/dark-triad">dark triad</a>” personality traits including grandiose narcissism (arrogance and dominance), <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/psychopathy">psychopathy</a> (low empathy and callousness) and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/machiavellians-gulling-the-rubes/201509/meet-the-machiavellians">Machiavellianism</a> (being manipulative and calculating).</p>
<p>We asked participants to complete two questionnaires that measured six domains of their personality, to measure how authentically they presented themselves.</p>
<p>First they considered their authentic self, with items such as “I can handle difficult situations without needing emotional support from anyone else”. Then they were asked to consider the persona they presented while online dating, with items such as “the persona I present when online dating would like people who have unconventional views”. </p>
<p>We then calculated a score for inauthentic self-presentation, which represented the distance between the authentic self and the online dating self.</p>
<p>We also asked participants whether they had ever engaged in the antisocial dating behaviours of ghosting or breadcrumbing. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/first-the-love-bomb-then-the-financial-emergency-5-tactics-of-tinder-swindlers-176807">First the 'love-bomb', then the 'financial emergency': 5 tactics of Tinder swindlers</a>
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<h2>Here’s what we found</h2>
<p>We found a significant link between vulnerable narcissism and inauthentic self-presentation. That is, those with higher scores for vulnerable narcissism presented more inauthentically. </p>
<p>Participants who had ghosted or breadcrumbed someone also had higher scores for vulnerable narcissism. However, it should be noted these effects were small, and not everyone who ghosts is likely to be a vulnerable narcissist. People may ghost for a range of reasons, some of which are appropriate to their situation (such as for their own safety). </p>
<p>That said, if a ghost returns from the dead without a reasonable explanation for their absence, you may have been “<a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/worse-than-being-ghosted-zombied-is-the-new-dating-trend_uk_644bbe89e4b011a819c72cea">zombied</a>”. This is when someone ghosts you, only to reappear months or even years later. If this happens it would be wise to hit the block button. </p>
<h2>Might I be dating a vulnerable narcissist?</h2>
<p>Vulnerable narcissists can be difficult to identify in the early stages of dating because the persona they present isn’t their authentic self. Over time, however, the mask usually comes off. </p>
<p>If you’re wondering whether you’re dating a vulnerable narcissist, look out for these red flags waving in sync.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Vulnerable narcissists are usually <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00223891.2012.742903?casa_token=IcNNaKmGw3UAAAAA%3AzFrhAeKDeVSJIKuSnjPEXr_qXidHdYl9aMiqK8iVp9F7w_0WRhu5PIaEmDsD9N6ZaevcZYrkFLhvOMM">introverted and high on neuroticism</a>. In isolation, these traits need not be of concern, but in vulnerable narcissists they typically present in combination with dishonesty, and a lack of <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886917306220?casa_token=DhWyvFYiticAAAAA:VZ3738yoILJZEHsePwKnsbNuiu7KYCpNvfoqE03I59Cuz2UkppwrfAknCIZZeTJIgI3AM4xoeskC">agreeableness and humility</a>.</p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://scholarworks.uark.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1013&context=discoverymag">Love-bombing</a> is a manipulative dating tactic commonly used by vulnerable narcissists. It’s characterised by excessive attention and affection. While this can be flattering in the early stages of a relationship, the intention is to manipulate you into feeling dependent on and obligated to them.</p></li>
<li><p><a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/pmh.1532">The devaluation phase</a> follows love-bombing. It will often manifest in emotionally abusive behaviours such as harsh and relentless criticism, unprovoked angry outbursts, <a href="https://theconversation.com/explainer-what-does-gaslighting-mean-107888">gaslighting</a> and stonewalling. </p></li>
<li><p>Finally, vulnerable narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism. Constructive criticism is an important component of communication in healthy relationships. But a vulnerable narcissist is likely to perceive the slightest criticism as a personal attack. They may respond to criticism with emotional outbursts, making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.</p></li>
</ol>
<h2>I think I’m dating a vulnerable narcissist!</h2>
<p>Vulnerable narcissists are prone to engaging in <a href="https://dvassist.org.au/am-i-experiencing-domestic-violence/quizzes/am-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/">emotionally abusive behaviours</a>. If you suspect you’re dating one then you may be experiencing domestic violence, or be at significant risk of it if the relationship continues. </p>
<p>The onset of narcissistic abuse is often <a href="https://theconversation.com/narcissism-and-the-various-ways-it-can-lead-to-domestically-abusive-relationships-116909">slow and insidious</a>, but the adverse effects (such as symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder) can persist long after the <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886922004470?casa_token=r6Y-_qazDXkAAAAA:7DuvvE7SkGYdwYS56_abxctoBQXaLUDdMm6Sksy6_nob279--ICCtwEvvB57CxuDlhgtKZfNpTt4">relationship has ended</a>. </p>
<p>If you have concerns, it’s important to seek support from your family doctor, a psychologist, or a <a href="https://www.1800respect.org.au/">domestic violence support service</a>. They can help you navigate the relationship, or safely exit it. </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/is-narcissism-a-mental-health-problem-and-can-you-really-diagnose-it-online-188360">Is narcissism a mental health problem? And can you really diagnose it online?</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
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<p><em>Anyone at risk of family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault can seek help 24 hours a day, seven days a week, either online or by calling 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). Information is also available in 28 languages other than English.</em></p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/205565/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Megan Willis does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Research reveals individuals that score high for vulnerable narcissism are likely to present themselves inauthentically while online dating.Megan Willis, Senior Lecturer, School of Behavioural and Health Sciences, Australian Catholic UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2047202023-05-09T12:23:17Z2023-05-09T12:23:17ZThe unbearable allure of cringe<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/524928/original/file-20230508-170642-f3uhnn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=429%2C23%2C4125%2C2914&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">When someone humiliates themselves on TV, you want to look away, but you can't.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/hard-to-look-royalty-free-image/80467171?phrase=cringing+watching+TV&adppopup=true">Designpics/Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Why can’t you stop watching TV shows, movies or viral videos that make you cringe?</p>
<p>Cringe is the feeling you get when your boss cracks a joke in a meeting and no one laughs. It’s when your kid shoots a soccer ball and it misses the net by … a lot. It’s when you watch Kendall Roy from “Succession” <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Z4jteTnPqI">awkwardly rap on stage</a> at a celebration honoring his dad’s 50 years at the helm of the family company.</p>
<p>This secondhand embarrassment you feel for other people, real or fictional, is physical and emotional. It’s the gut punch of a gasped “oh no!” paired with a side of “I’m glad that wasn’t me” relief.</p>
<p>Research usually sees cringe in a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1527476418777838">negative light</a> – as a voyeuristic emotion that allows people to gawk at the misfortune of others.</p>
<p>However, in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/14705931231154944">a recent study</a>, we show that cringe-filled entertainment can actually help people better understand themselves and one another. This may be a big reason why people are so drawn to cringeworthy content in the first place.</p>
<h2>Studying cringe</h2>
<p>Cringe is everywhere, but it’s especially ubiquitous in movies and on TV, where it elicits winces, laughs and embarrassment in viewers.</p>
<p>Scripted cringe comedy shows such as “The Office” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” have been widely successful. These shows often feature characters encountering uncomfortable social situations and handling them with little or no grace – like when Toby, in “The Office,” awkwardly touches the knee of his crush, Pam.</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/s_EHezMKD7Q?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">Much of the humor in ‘The Office’ is tied to cringe-inducing situations.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Cringe is also a notable hallmark of reality TV, where cast members or contestants expose themselves to <a href="https://www.refinery29.com/en-au/2023/01/11251738/the-bachelors-cringe">public heartbreak</a>, <a href="https://www.yahoo.com/news/could-fastest-fail-ninja-warrior-045517308.html">fail spectacularly at physical challenges</a> or <a href="https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/katy-perry-traumatized-american-idol-contestant-harsh-critique-nightmares">endure humiliating critiques from judges</a>.</p>
<p>In our study, we examined the first season of Netflix’s “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt12580168/">Indian Matchmaking</a>,” a show that follows matchmaker Sima Taparia as she guides her clients in India and the U.S. through the arranged marriage process.</p>
<p>Now in its third season, the show has received an <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/indian-matchmaking-netflix-emmy-arranged-marriage-b1884482.html">Emmy nomination</a> and inspired a spinoff called “<a href="https://www.insider.com/jewish-matchmaking-netflix-aleeza-ben-shalom-orthodox-intentional-dating-2023-5">Jewish Matchmaking</a>.”</p>
<p>In our research, we used our own experiences as data through a process called <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08989575.2017.1288892">collaborative autoethnography</a>. Specifically, we wrote and analyzed our reactions to each episode in the first season of “Indian Matchmaking.” </p>
<p>Our diary entries were full of moments of secondhand embarrassment – whether it was witnessing a first date filled with uncomfortable silences, or watching a participant show us his closet with doorknobs that have his face on them. </p>
<p>By analyzing these entries, we generated in-depth insights into what it means to cringe.</p>
<h2>Everyone bumbles through life</h2>
<p>What was surprising was that the cringeworthy scenes weren’t always accompanied by a sense of voyeurism or feelings of <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-does-it-feel-good-to-see-someone-fail-107349">schadenfreude</a>. </p>
<p>Instead, we found that binge-watching a show with a lot of cringeworthy moments can be, dare we say, therapeutic.</p>
<p>Cringe made us recognize the parts of ourselves that we saw as undesirable.</p>
<p>Watching “Indian Matchmaking,” we were reminded that, like the people on the show, we haven’t always performed well in the dating market. One participant who brought this form of cringe to life for us was Aparna. A successful lawyer living in Houston, she could come off <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31pGZerv6UE&t=70s&pp=ygUZaW5kaWFuIG1hdGNobWFraW5nIGFwYXJuYQ%3D%3D">as abrupt or rude</a> – “Oh, do we have to see our husbands all the time?”</p>
<p>Throughout the show, Taparia tries to make Aparna “compromise” – in other words, settle for men she doesn’t see as worthy of her. Taparia, as well as fans of the show, have called Aparna an <a href="https://www.theringer.com/tv/2020/7/27/21340225/aparna-indian-matchmaking-villain-antihero.">unrealistic perfectionist</a>.</p>
<p>Aparna’s interactions with Taparia are fraught, and various tensions play out – modern values versus traditional ones, and what makes a woman desirable versus undesirable. There’s a sheen of sexism to this dynamic: Aparna is chastised for behavior that men on the show are excused for.</p>
<p>Having navigated similarly perfectionist tendencies in our dating lives, we saw ourselves represented in Aparna’s journey. We even would often refer to each other as “Aparna” while emailing about this study. </p>
<p>Our affinity for Aparna reminded us of watching Michael Scott from “The Office.” </p>
<p>We’ve seen him make a grand gesture to declare his love for someone too early in a relationship – and not get an “I love you” back – or argue with his partner in front of friends at a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap0ae1Z8qGg&ab_channel=TheOffice">dinner party</a> and thought, “I’ve been there” or “I’ve seen that.”</p>
<p>While <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Reacting-to-Reality-Television-Performance-Audience-and-Value/Skeggs-Wood/p/book/9780415693714">previous research</a> shows that audiences distance themselves from television personalities like Aparna or Michael Scott, we couldn’t help but embrace cringeworthy representations of the less-than-desirable aspects of our personalities.</p>
<p>It was, in a strange way, freeing to see other people bumble through life, and made us think about being less hard on ourselves.</p>
<h2>A way to confront our biases</h2>
<p>When we watched “Indian Matchmaking” and cringed, we sometimes wondered why, exactly, we were cringing in the first place.</p>
<p>In “Indian Matchmaking,” first dates often include discussions about personal finances and the number of kids each person wants to have. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Smiling woman sitting at a restaurant with a date." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/524958/original/file-20230508-30782-8d4pq4.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/524958/original/file-20230508-30782-8d4pq4.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=342&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/524958/original/file-20230508-30782-8d4pq4.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=342&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/524958/original/file-20230508-30782-8d4pq4.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=342&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/524958/original/file-20230508-30782-8d4pq4.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=430&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/524958/original/file-20230508-30782-8d4pq4.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=430&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/524958/original/file-20230508-30782-8d4pq4.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=430&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">On ‘Indian Matchmaking,’ first dates often include topics of conversation that Westerners would avoid.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/74c/dc6/8bbc68d5aaca62cbbd96795f323fe35b60-indian-matchmaking.jpg">Netflix</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>If you grew up in a Western country, you might feel your stomach clench while watching these conversations. </p>
<p>But in other parts of the world, this is actually perfectly normal and expected. In India, <a href="https://eprints.ncl.ac.uk/file_store/production/215652/83FC1820-3CC7-49AD-B712-CD866A5713EC.pdf">marriage is often about more than just romantic love</a>; it is a union between two families, and this entails hashing out logistics early on. There is no playing it cool. </p>
<p>So in this way, cringe can alert viewers to their values and judgments and lead to reflections about cultural differences.</p>
<h2>Cringing at exploitation and mockery</h2>
<p>Then there’s the sort of cringe that arose when, midseason, we started to question why a show like “Indian Matchmaking” was made in the first place. </p>
<p>It’s like when you see videos of white people volunteering in low-income countries with their <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/03/the-white-savior-industrial-complex/254843/">white savior complex</a> on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haFdtgUr52s&ab_channel=TEDxTalks">full display</a>.</p>
<p>Our reaction diary entries are riddled with questions about the way the showrunners edited – or even manipulated – the characters’ stories. </p>
<p>Some diary entries talk about cringing when a scene appears clearly staged, or when the showrunners appear to be mocking the characters, like when the show plays silly music when showing first dates.</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9RrLQUN8UJg?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">‘American Idol’ has showcased its fair share of cringe over the years – but William Hung’s performance in 2004 might win the honor of most cringeworthy.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>What sort of responsibility do the showrunners have toward the audience, Indian and otherwise? While the show highlights social issues such as sexism, does it ever really challenge or confront them? </p>
<p>The show has also been criticized for <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2020/08/netflix-indian-matchmaking-and-the-shadow-of-caste/614863/">propagating casteism</a> and portraying India as a <a href="https://www.vogue.in/content/indian-matchmakings-third-world-montages-highlight-whats-wrong-with-representation-today">backward country</a>.</p>
<p>We cringed when we realized we were complicit in these undercurrents of discrimination because we watched, laughed and professionally benefited from this show.</p>
<p>However, we ultimately felt that our allegiance is not with the showrunners, or with those in the arranged marriage process <a href="https://feminisminindia.com/2021/03/29/patriarch-arranged-marriage-india/">who perpetuate the patriarchy</a>. It was with the people in the show who remind us of ourselves.</p>
<p>Cringe is more than a fleeting feeling or fodder for yet another reality TV franchise, and maybe it’s a good thing that so many people are drawn to this sort of content. In our case, pushing past secondhand embarrassment and reflecting a bit helped us better understand ourselves and each other.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/204720/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>What does secondhand embarrassment say about your own anxieties and biases?Carly Drake, Assistant Professor of Marketing, North Central CollegeAnuja Anil Pradhan, Assistant Professor of Consumption, Culture and Commerce, University of Southern DenmarkLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1950862023-04-05T17:52:00Z2023-04-05T17:52:00ZBlack singles with college education embrace life without marriage<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/519412/original/file-20230404-20-6snpsz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">A new book titled 'The Love Jones Cohort' examines the lifestyles of middle-class Black Americans.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/african-american-woman-using-social-media-on-smart-royalty-free-image/1432253560">Morsa Images/DigitalVision Collection/Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>Why is it seemingly OK to ask single people “Why are you single?” when married people are rarely asked “Why are you married?”</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=EhVdUK4AAAAJ&hl=en">Sociologist Kris Marsh</a> hopes to break this double-standard with her new book “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1017/9781316672754">The Love Jones Cohort: Single and Living Alone in the Black Middle Class</a>.” In it, she examines the lifestyles of single people and explores the stigma that can come with their decision to not marry.</em></p>
<h2>What’s the story behind the title?</h2>
<p>My mentor and I coined the expression “The Love Jones Cohort” over coffee on a hot and humid summer day in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. We were discussing how my idea to study Black middle class men and women who are single and living alone came from both media and my own life experiences. </p>
<p>I said that I was noticing – in both film and TV – a demographic shift in Black characters away from married couples to single adults. I believed this started with the 1997 romance drama “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119572/">Love Jones</a>,” starring Larenz Tate as an up-and-coming poet, and Nia Long as a talented but recently unemployed photographer.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Movie still of group of young adults smoking and drinking at a table" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/518593/original/file-20230330-390-elezol.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/518593/original/file-20230330-390-elezol.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=405&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518593/original/file-20230330-390-elezol.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=405&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518593/original/file-20230330-390-elezol.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=405&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518593/original/file-20230330-390-elezol.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=509&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518593/original/file-20230330-390-elezol.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=509&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518593/original/file-20230330-390-elezol.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=509&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The 1997 film ‘Love Jones’ is a story of Black love, life and friendship that still resonates today.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/larenz-tate-and-nia-long-having-drinks-with-another-couples-news-photo/159840963">Addis Wechsler Pictures/Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>The film follows the two characters, as well as their friends and acquaintances, as they pursue careers and lovers. It deals with relationships, premarital sex, choosing partners, the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-women-still-earn-a-lot-less-than-men-109128">gender pay gap</a> and the realization that growing old and single might affect one’s health. More than 25 years later, the film remains a <a href="https://www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/la-et-mn-love-jones-oral-history-20170313-htmlstory.html">staple within Black culture</a>.</p>
<h2>Tell us more about this shift in TV and film</h2>
<p>In the 1980s and 1990s, the media prototype for the middle class – whether Black or white – had been a married couple with children. For the Black middle class, this was exemplified by the Huxtable family from “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086687/">The Cosby Show</a>,” a sitcom starring Bill Cosby that ran from 1984 to 1992 about an obstetrician father, a corporate attorney and their four happy, intelligent and adorable children. </p>
<p>After “The Cosby Show,” a surge of sitcoms and films depicted Black middle-class characters of a quite different demographic profile. These characters were 20-something, educated professionals who had never been married, were child-free and lived alone or with an unmarried friend or two. “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106056">Living Single</a>,” a sitcom that ran from 1993 to 1998, centered on six Black friends living in a Brooklyn brownstone. “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247102">Girlfriends</a>,” another popular sitcom, ran from 2000 to 2008 and followed the career and dating lives of four single Black women. </p>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="Issa Rae and Yvonne Orji laugh while getting photographed at an event" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/518828/original/file-20230331-18-6kwvv7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/518828/original/file-20230331-18-6kwvv7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=683&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518828/original/file-20230331-18-6kwvv7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=683&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518828/original/file-20230331-18-6kwvv7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=683&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518828/original/file-20230331-18-6kwvv7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=858&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518828/original/file-20230331-18-6kwvv7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=858&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518828/original/file-20230331-18-6kwvv7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=858&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Issa Rae and Yvonne Orji starred in ‘Insecure,’ which followed a group of young Black women living and dating in Los Angeles.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/issa-rae-and-yvonne-orji-attend-vulture-festival-2021-at-news-photo/1353132110">David Livingston/Getty Images</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>More recent TV shows that represent the Love Jones cohort include “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2345481">Being Mary Jane</a>,” which ran from 2013 to 2019 and was about a young Black female news anchor and her career and family, and “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5024912">Insecure</a>,” which ended in 2021 after six seasons. “Insecure” followed four Black women who are best friends as they deal with insecurities and uncomfortable everyday experiences, career and relationship challenges, and a variety of social and racial issues relating to the contemporary Black experience.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, on the big screen, films depicting this demographic profile include “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250274/">The Brothers</a>” and “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0269341">Two Can Play That Game</a>” in 2001, and “<a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0301181">Deliver Us From Eva</a>” in 2003.</p>
<p>This shift in Hollywood, it turns out, was also grounded in the real world – where a <a href="http://www.doi.org/10.1093/sf/86.2.735">growing number of middle-class Black Americans</a> in recent decades are single and living alone. Looking at Census data, I learned that the number of middle-class Black people age 25-44 that were single and living alone jumped from <a href="http://www.doi.org/10.1093/sf/86.2.735">6% in 1980 to 14% in 2000</a>, where it remains today. </p>
<h2>What are some of your most interesting findings?</h2>
<p>Several findings stand out from my interviews with members of the Love Jones Cohort in the summer of 2015.</p>
<p>A number of the men and women – who were all identified by pseudonyms in the study – actively chose singlehood. For example, Genesis, who works in brand management, had decided to not date for the immediate future. “Right now I’m more content with being single due to other priorities,” she said.</p>
<p>Many also enjoyed the economic autonomy that accompanied being single. “I decide what I want to do, if it’s political, if it’s social, I decide, and I don’t have to answer to anyone,” said Joanna, a 47-year-old communications specialist. However, they also reported that buying a home on a single income can be an economic hurdle. </p>
<p>While freedom and self-reliance were central aspects of the cohort’s lifestyle, so was – in many cases – what I call “situational loneliness.” This refers to bouts of mild to moderate loneliness that ebb and flow over short periods of time, such as Valentine’s Day. As a result, members in the cohort tended to place high value on interactions with family, friends and social networks.</p>
<p>In fact, friends were often perceived as a direct extension of their families, and both men and women expressed how friends met various social needs – whether this be workout partners, golf buddies or fellow foodies.</p>
<p>The women in the cohort saw their female friends as sources of emotional support, and these nurturing, nonromantic relationships were central to their single and living alone lifestyle. The cohort’s men, meanwhile, talked about their circle of friends in more pragmatic terms. “My friends come over. … We have a rooftop pool and different stuff like that. They’ll come over and want to hang out and chill,” noted Reggie, a 30-year-old financial analyst.</p>
<h2>What’s driving single life?</h2>
<p>When people talk about the driving factors of Black singlehood, the discussion often involves suggesting that Black singles – usually Black women – are too picky and need to lower or modify their standards to be partnered or married.</p>
<p>The Love Jones Cohort’s women were hopeful that if they did decide to partner, it would be with an educated Black man. Research supports the tendency for people to want to marry or partner with people in their same <a href="https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.soc.24.1.395">social and economic class</a>. However, Black women are <a href="https://www.jbhe.com/2019/03/the-gender-gap-in-african-american-educational-attainment-2/">outpacing Black men in higher education</a>. According to <a href="https://www.census.gov/data/tables/2018/demo/education-attainment/cps-detailed-tables.html">2018 Census data</a>, <a href="https://www.jbhe.com/2019/03/the-gender-gap-in-african-american-educational-attainment-2/">19% of Black men</a> between the ages of 25 and 29 held a bachelor’s degree compared to 26% of Black women. This can lead to a disparity in resources and social standing. </p>
<p>In the book, I argue that racism and gendered racism constrain personal choices and also need to be taken into consideration when discussing Black singlehood. </p>
<p>For example, sociologist <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=TcTbU6oAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=ao">Celeste Vaughn Curington</a> and her colleagues coined the term “<a href="https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520293458/the-dating-divide">digital-sexual racism</a>” after they conducted a comprehensive study of a diverse group of daters. According to Curington, the term refers to how Black daters are rendered “simultaneously hyper-visible and invisible. … They are contacted on dating sites specifically because they are Black but also ignored on other user sites entirely because they are Black.”</p>
<p>I’m asking readers to consider how singlehood is not simply because of an individual deficit, choice or behavior. I hope for the book to challenge readers to consider how structural forces and social contexts also fit into the conversation on singlehood.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/195086/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Kris Marsh does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>A sociologist interviewed dozens of middle-class Black singles about their friendships, freedom and dating lives.Kris Marsh, Associate Professor of Sociology, University of MarylandLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2018562023-04-03T12:28:06Z2023-04-03T12:28:06ZSex, love and companionship … with AI? Why human-machine relationships could go mainstream<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/518533/original/file-20230330-20-i47owy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=22%2C22%2C4970%2C3315&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">The California-based startup Replika has programmed chatbots to serve as companions.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/in-this-photo-illustration-a-virtual-friend-is-seen-on-the-news-photo/1211994925?adppopup=true">Olivier Douliery/AFP via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>There was once a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1083-6101.2009.01457.x">stigma attached to online dating</a>: Less than a decade ago, many couples who had met online would make up stories for how they met rather than admit that they had done so via an app. </p>
<p>Not so anymore. Online dating is <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online-dating/">so mainstream</a> that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1908630116">you’re an outlier</a> if you haven’t met your partner on Tinder, Grindr or Hinge. </p>
<p>We bring up online dating to show just how quickly conventions around romance can change. <a href="https://www.npr.org/2023/03/29/1166891536/an-open-letter-signed-by-tech-leaders-researchers-proposes-delaying-ai-developme">With rapid advances in AI technology</a> over the past few years, these norms may well evolve to include sex, love and friendships with AI-equipped machines.</p>
<p>In our research, we look at how people use technology <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.08.042">to form and maintain relationships</a>. But we also look at how people <a href="https://doi.org/10.30658/hmc.4.7">bond with machines</a> – AI-equipped systems <a href="https://fortune.com/2022/03/17/replika-ai-chat-bot-companion-experience/">like Replika</a> that essentially operate as <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/tmb0000008">advanced chatbots</a>, along with physical robots like <a href="https://www.realdoll.com/realdoll-x/">RealDollx</a> or <a href="https://sexdollgenie.com/collections/ai-sex-robots">Sex Doll Genie</a>.</p>
<p>We explore the different forms of sex, love and friendships that people can experience with AI-equipped machines, along with what drives people to forge these relationships in the first place – and why they might become much more common sooner than you’d think.</p>
<h2>More than just a cure for loneliness</h2>
<p>A common misconception is that people who are lonely and otherwise unsuccessful in relationships are the most likely to turn to AI-equipped machines for romantic and sexual fulfillment. </p>
<p>However, initial research shows that users of this technology differ in only small ways from nonusers, and there is no significant connection between <a href="https://doi.org/10.3390/mti1010003">feelings of loneliness and a preference for sex robots</a>.</p>
<p>Someone’s willingness to use sex robots is also less influenced by their personality and seems to be tied to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2022.107403">sexual preferences and sensation seeking</a>. </p>
<p>In other words, it seems that some people are considering the use of sex robots mainly because they want to have new sexual experiences. </p>
<p>However, an enthusiasm for novelty is not the only driver. Studies show that people find many uses for sexual and romantic machines <a href="https://doi.org/10.3390/robotics7040062">outside of sex and romance</a>. They can serve as companions or therapists, or as a hobby.</p>
<p>In short, people are drawn to AI-equipped machines for a range of reasons. Many of them resemble the reasons people seek out relationships with other humans. But researchers are only beginning to understand how relationships with machines might differ from connecting with other people.</p>
<h2>Relationships 5.0</h2>
<p>Many researchers have <a href="https://doi.org/10.1145/3278721.3278741">voiced ethical concerns</a> about the potential effects of machine companionship. They are concerned that the more that people turn to machine companions, the more they’ll lose touch with other humans – yet another shift toward an existence of being “<a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_connected_but_alone?language=en">alone together</a>,” to use sociologist Sherry Turkle’s term.</p>
<p>Despite this apprehension, there is surprisingly little research that examines the effects of machine partners. We know quite a bit about how technology, in general, affects people in relationships, such as the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2020.04.007">benefits and harms of sexting among young adults</a>, and the ways in which online dating platforms <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/00936502221127498">influence the long-term success of relationships</a>. </p>
<p>Understanding the benefits and drawbacks of AI partners is <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-022-00331-0">a bit more complicated</a>.</p>
<p>We are now in an age of what sociologist Elyakim Kislev calls “<a href="https://global.oup.com/academic/product/relationships-50-9780197588253?cc=us&lang=en&">relationships 5.0</a>” in which we are “moving from technologies used as tools controlling human surroundings and work to technologies that are our ecosystem in and of themselves.” </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Elderly people in wheelchairs watch a white robot." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/518537/original/file-20230330-21-p8ns2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/518537/original/file-20230330-21-p8ns2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518537/original/file-20230330-21-p8ns2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518537/original/file-20230330-21-p8ns2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518537/original/file-20230330-21-p8ns2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518537/original/file-20230330-21-p8ns2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/518537/original/file-20230330-21-p8ns2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">A humanoid robot named Pepper performs a comedy routine for residents at a nursing home in Minnesota.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/nursing-home-residents-carol-jones-carol-fisher-and-irene-news-photo/1407319386?adppopup=true">Mark Vancleave/Star Tribune via Getty Images</a></span>
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</figure>
<p>Therapeutic value is often mentioned as one benefit of romantic and sexual AI systems. One study discussed how <a href="https://doi.org/10.1515/pjbr-2020-0001">sex robots for elderly or disabled folks</a> could empower them to explore their sexuality, while almost half of physicians and therapists surveyed in another study could see themselves <a href="https://doi.org/10.2196/13853">recommending sex robots in therapy</a>. Robots could also be used in therapy with sexual offenders. But very limited research exists on these uses, which raise a range of ethical questions.</p>
<p>We also have very little knowledge about how human-to-robot relationships compare with human-to-human relationships. However, some of <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/tmb0000008">our early research</a> suggests that people get just about the same gratification from sexting with a chatbot as they do with another human.</p>
<p>According to theories about how <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-19734-6_1">sexual relationships with artificial partners would work</a>, one of the many factors that could affect the quality of the interactions – and, ultimately, the wider adoption of relationships with robots and AI chatbots – is the associated stigma. </p>
<p>While women are the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1578329">main purchasers of sex toys</a> – and their use has become <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460719861836">a generally accepted practice</a> – people who use what’s called “sextech,” or technology designed to enhance or improve human sexual experiences, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/19419899.2022.2067783">are still stigmatized</a> socially. That stigma is even stronger for romantic AI systems or sex robots.</p>
<h2>Will you be my v-AI-lentine?</h2>
<p>As we have seen with dating apps, technological advancements in the context of relationships initially face skepticism and disagreement. However, there’s no question that people seem capable of forming deep attachments with AI systems.</p>
<p>Take the app <a href="https://replika.ai/">Replika</a>. It’s been marketed as the “<a href="https://theconversation.com/i-tried-the-replika-ai-companion-and-can-see-why-users-are-falling-hard-the-app-raises-serious-ethical-questions-200257">AI companion who cares</a>” – a virtual boyfriend or girlfriend that promises to engage users in deeply personal conversations, including sexting and dirty talk. </p>
<p>In February, the <a href="https://futurism.com/the-byte/italy-replika-ban">Italian Data Protection Authority</a> ordered that the app stop processing Italian users’ data. As a result, the developers changed how Replika interacts with its users – and some of these users went on to <a href="https://www.vice.com/en/article/y3py9j/ai-companion-replika-erotic-roleplay-updates">express feelings of grief, loss and heartbreak</a>, not unlike the emotions felt after a breakup with a human partner. </p>
<p>Legislators are still figuring out <a href="https://doi.org/10.3233/frl-210009">how to regulate sex and love with machines</a>. But if we have learned anything about the ways in which technology has already become integrated into our relationships, it is likely that sexual and romantic relationships with AI-equipped systems and robots will become more common in the not-so-distant future.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/201856/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Early research finds that people get just about the same gratification from sexting with a chatbot as they do with another human.Marco Dehnert, PhD Candidate in Communication, Arizona State UniversityJoris Van Ouytsel, Assistant Professor of Interpersonal Communication, Arizona State UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1942262023-03-22T12:39:57Z2023-03-22T12:39:57ZMoving in with your partner? Talking about these 3 things first can smooth the way, according to a couples therapist<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/516748/original/file-20230321-24-vneqip.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=489%2C7%2C4692%2C3201&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Before the boxes are packed, you should square your expectations.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/young-couple-moving-house-royalty-free-image/1351287041?phrase=moving%20boxes%20couple">Tara Moore/DigitalVision via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Partners who live together typically come to this significant place in their relationship in one of two ways – what some clinicians call “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00418.x">sliding versus deciding</a>.” Moving in together can just kind of happen without too much thought, or it can be carefully considered and planned.</p>
<p>Some couples may see <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/">living together as a test for future marriage</a>. For others, marriage is not a goal, so living together may be the ultimate statement of their commitment. </p>
<p>I have been a <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=ZeuvLPoAAAAJ&hl">relationship therapist and researcher</a> for over 25 years, specializing in intimate relationships. Based on my research and clinical experience, I recommend that couples discuss the significance of sharing a home before they merge households. Doing so gives partners an opportunity to set realistic expectations, negotiate household roles and practice their communication. </p>
<p>My colleagues and I developed <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-021-09594-6">a list of topics</a> partners should talk about before moving in together – or even after, if the moving boxes are already unpacked. These topics are organized into three main categories.</p>
<h2>1. Expectations</h2>
<p>Why do you want to move in together? What is the purpose? Will it lead to marriage? Many relationships struggle with the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X08324388">intersection of reality and expectation</a>.</p>
<p>Clients tell me that their expectations of living together are often based on what they grew up with – for example, “My mom had dinner on the table every evening at 6 p.m. I expect the same of my partner.” Expectations also extend to intimacy, such as, “Now that we are sharing a bed, we can have sex all the time.” </p>
<p>Conversations about what this stage of commitment means for the relationship and how it affects each individual’s identity are part of this negotiation. Is moving in together “practice” for marriage? Are we moving into one of our current places, or finding a new home together? How will we split up the household finances? How frequently will we be intimate? Will we get a pet?</p>
<p>Understanding what will and won’t change helps smooth this transition, making space for conversations about the nitty-gritty of living together.</p>
<h2>2. Household roles</h2>
<p>As people launch from their childhood homes, the household rules they grew up with – both the ones they liked and the ones they hated – tend to come along for the ride. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Two men speak with one another while sitting on a narrow staircase." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516082/original/file-20230317-2171-410efr.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Decide who will do what.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/couple-of-young-men-talking-on-the-stairs-royalty-free-image/465964450">lorenzoantonucci/iStock via Getty Images Plus</a></span>
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<p>It’s important for couples to talk about how they plan to handle mundane day-to-day tasks, such as dishes, trash, cooking, cleaning and so on. My colleagues and I recommend couples start these conversations by stating their strengths. If you like grocery shopping but hate cooking, first offer to do what you prefer. Talk through the different needs of your household – <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X13503324">including finances</a>, pets, kids, cars and so on – and try to find some balance in the division of responsibilities.</p>
<p>During these negotiations, remember to keep in mind each person’s obligations outside of the home. For example, if one person stays at home or has summers off, take that into consideration in determining balance.</p>
<p>I once worked with a couple where one partner wanted her spouse “to be less of an asshole.” When we dug a bit deeper, what she really wanted was for him to vacuum. Talking further, they began to understand that their household rules were neither balanced nor accommodating of the ebbs and flows of their lifestyle, family needs and professional demands.</p>
<h2>3. Communication</h2>
<p>Perhaps the most important conversation to have is actually <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X02023001004">about communication</a>. How responsive do I expect my partner to be when I text them? How do I tell them I really need alone time? When can I talk to them about my changing needs?</p>
<p>This can be an excellent time to reach out to a couple and family therapist to help negotiate some of these issues. Many times, the <a href="https://drclaudiagg.com/projects">hurtful comments people make to one another</a> are really about expectations, fear and the anxiety of the unknown. Talking about the best way to recognize and meet your partner’s needs and concerns invites collaboration and unity, which ultimately strengthens the relationship. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Couple talking on sofa in living room." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/516763/original/file-20230321-1069-kqhd8i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Good communication is key to healthy long-term relationships.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/couple-talking-on-sofa-in-living-room-royalty-free-image/573103271">JGI/Tom Grill/Tetra Images via Getty Images</a></span>
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<p>People and relationships change over time. Everyone is affected by their own life experiences, one of which can be moving in with a partner. Communication and empathy are key as expectations shift and evolve. This continues to be true as couples hit transitions throughout their lives. </p>
<p>Big things like moving, graduating, getting a new job and having children, as well as little things, like choosing which TV shows to watch or trying out a new recipe, are important topics to have conversations about. Developing good communication skills can serve as the foundation for navigating the trials and tribulations relationships bring.</p>
<p>And it’s never too late to start having these conversations – even if you’re already living together.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/194226/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Thank you to co-authors, Brooke Schmidt and Cate Morrow.</span></em></p>Discussing some key topics before – or even after – they move in together can help couples successfully navigate this step.Kristina S. Brown, Professor and Chair of Couple and Family Therapy, Adler UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/2009142023-03-15T19:03:36Z2023-03-15T19:03:36ZStuck in a ‘talking stage’ or ‘situationship’? How young people can get more out of modern love<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/514589/original/file-20230310-461-c4ljrh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=51%2C25%2C5689%2C3796&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1516744263504-69bd3dec5d82?ixlib=rb-4.0.3&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1742&q=80">Unsplash</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>“Going together” sounds like a romantic term from yesteryear. Today’s young people have a newer label: the “talking stage”. It happens between being introduced to someone and officially dating, and it can involve talking or texting for days – even months.</p>
<p>The purpose of this stage is to have the opportunity to get to know someone before committing to a relationship with them. </p>
<p>But judging by their posts on social media, young people all over the world are <a href="https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a42030971/talking-stage-relationship/">struggling</a> with this modern-day dating phase. They can find it drawn-out, repetitive and emotionally draining.</p>
<p>Is it a new thing? And how can potential couples partners make the most of it? </p>
<h2>New label, old practice</h2>
<p>The talking stage is not a new phenomenon, but instead a new take on what we know as traditional “courting”. </p>
<p>Courting involves getting to know someone and building intimacy, often for an extended period of time, before committing to marriage. </p>
<p>Yet, not all relationships start with a courting or talking phase, some relationships start as a hook-up then progress to dating. This is because how people <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463373.2010.524874">communicate romantic interest</a> and initiate intimacy depends on personalities and social context. </p>
<p>Neverthless, <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12119-021-09896-9">the global pandemic changed the way people date now</a>. People who might not have chosen to date online previously, started pursing dates via the internet or sometimes teledates via screens. </p>
<p>Dating using <a href="https://theconversation.com/from-ghosting-to-backburner-relationships-the-reasons-people-behave-so-badly-on-dating-apps-179600">online apps</a> spread the love by swapping, matching, and instant messaging – often with multiple partners and in large numbers. </p>
<p>Researchers termed this period “<a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12119-021-09896-9">jagged love</a>” and found it didn’t lead to traditional courting and romance. People in this context move quickly between partners, searching for meaningful connections and often feel disappointed with the outcome. There’s a lot of potential for <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">sabotaging a relationship</a> before it even starts. </p>
<p>And there is a significant difference between the talking stage and traditional courting. Today, early conversations are accelerated by the amount of information publicly available about someone on the internet. So, for some people, talking or texting might feel like an unnecessary or tedious step, given what we can glean from Facebook, Instagram and TikTok. </p>
<p>But the talking stage may be a way to solidify <a href="https://www.wiley.com/en-au/Liquid+Love:+On+the+Frailty+of+Human+Bonds-p-9780745624891">fragile human bonds</a>. </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/hook-ups-pansexuals-and-holy-connection-love-in-the-time-of-millennials-and-generation-z-182226">Hook-ups, pansexuals and holy connection: love in the time of millennials and Generation Z</a>
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<h2>Is it a ‘situationship’?</h2>
<p>In <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/104icrr/what_are_some_tips_to_improve_talking_stage/">online forums</a>, young people report feeling confused about how long to talk to someone before moving on, or what to discuss with a potential partner. So the talking stage might seem ambiguous, stressful or anxiety-provoking. </p>
<p>Young people are also confused about whether they are in a “situationhsip” – another relationship status with an ambiguous definition, used to describe non-committed but emotionally charged intimate engagements. This one is similar to recent labels like “friends with benefits”, “booty calls”, or one-night stands.</p>
<p><div data-react-class="InstagramEmbed" data-react-props="{"url":"https://www.instagram.com/p/CWRI2EVvF9T","accessToken":"127105130696839|b4b75090c9688d81dfd245afe6052f20"}"></div></p>
<p>Being in an undefined stage or relationship can impact mental health and wellbeing. <a href="https://ww.ijicc.net/images/vol4iss3/Raquel_Peel_et_al.pdf">Relationship difficulties</a> are one of the most prominent reasons why people seek counselling and a significant contributor to anxiety, depression, and thoughts of self harm. Counselling services in Australia <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-981-16-8040-3_14">report</a> the most common reasons for seeking counselling include relationship conflict, inadequate interpersonal skills to initiate or establish significant relationships, family violence, and sexual assault.</p>
<p>Fear of being hurt, abandoned, rejected or trapped can be a <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">barrier</a> to forming and maintaining healthy long-term intimate engagements. </p>
<p>Being in a committed romantic relationship <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01248.x?casa_token=P-CZTx8mVz8AAAAA%3ADv2y6JsPkpyf08XsvzzGSbpznAIi8N3TdzVrHxgFDuN3FCJWS5iDWJg-HxGzT1uAH_so4yZi9bi_iP-m">decreases</a> the incidence of mental health issues when compared to ambiguous or casual engagements. This why <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">my research</a> focuses on increasing people’s skills and confidence to navigate intimate partnerships. </p>
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<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/from-ghosting-to-backburner-relationships-the-reasons-people-behave-so-badly-on-dating-apps-179600">From ghosting to 'backburner' relationships: the reasons people behave so badly on dating apps</a>
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<h2>Good practice</h2>
<p>Many people <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">lack relationship skills</a> such as insight, flexibility, maturity, confidence, effective communication and how to manage expectations. Being able to improve relationship skills is a strong predictor of relationship satisfaction and long-term relationship success.</p>
<p>Working out how to navigate an intimate relationship, by communicating needs honestly and creating opportunities to develop and explore a sense of self, can help people feel <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075221101127?casa_token=na2lhyw3DrcAAAAA%3AHHnN8P_wqKmoVrMgkbo8YGO6da6IjE49ze9fnTaUg7FvazDDKAUTqfKaYqkLZRQQdiN8GLKPxpXw0aY#bibr10-02654075221101127">more confident</a>. </p>
<p>So, the talking stage is an opportunity to get to know a potential partner, explore compatibility, and improve relationship skills. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/514594/original/file-20230310-20-ded6q5.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">There is talking and then there is the talking stage …</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-photo-of-women-looking-at-each-other-8552267/">Pexels/Pavel Danilyuk</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span>
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<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/the-one-could-dna-tests-find-our-soulmate-we-study-sex-and-sexuality-and-think-the-idea-is-ridiculous-158533">The One: could DNA tests find our soulmate? We study sex and sexuality — and think the idea is ridiculous</a>
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<h2>5 ways to make the talking stage better</h2>
<p>It may be a bit confusing and open-ended, but there are ways to make the talking stage more helpful than stressful.</p>
<p><strong>1) Open communication</strong> – make sure to express your needs, expectations, and be willing to also understand the needs and expectations of others in an honest way </p>
<p><strong>2) Explore compatibility</strong> – the talking stage is an opportunity to explore whether a potential partner shares interests, values and morals</p>
<p><strong>3) Define the relationship</strong> – this stage is an opportunity to discuss the potential relationship and the type of romantic engagement. It is important all parties understand what the relationship is and where it is headed </p>
<p><strong>4) Acceptance</strong> – this insightful step involves understanding the talking stage or “situationship” might fizzle out and not turn into a relationship (which may hurt) and that this is a natural part of the process </p>
<p><strong>5) Establish boundaries</strong> – self-protection and safety are basic human instincts. So, it is important to know how to navigate this process in a healthy way by establishing boundaries for the intimate engagement early.</p>
<p>Humans are hardwired to search for intimate connections from birth. Modern times may might have changed how we pursue and communicate love, but this innate instinct remains truly unbreakable and the talking stage can be an important part of it.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/200914/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Raquel Peel does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The ‘talking stage’ is a lot like traditional ‘courting’ – with some online complications. Still, it can be a great way to test the waters with a potential partner and establish healthy boundaries.Raquel Peel, Adjunct Senior Lecturer, University of Southern Queensland and Senior Lecturer, RMIT UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1986402023-02-12T13:19:52Z2023-02-12T13:19:52ZChinese immigrants look to digital Chinatowns to find love online<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/506683/original/file-20230126-36630-6ek7qk.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C4941%2C3319&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Dating apps like 2RedBeans and Tantan, that specifically cater to Chinese people, have become increasingly popular.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Joshua Chun/Unsplash)</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Where do people go for good Chinese food? One obvious answer is Chinatown. Many large cities have established Chinatowns and other neighbourhoods that serve as a cultural base for different communities. But increasingly, more than existing in physical space, these ethnic communities are forming in cyberspace. </p>
<p>In particular, digital Chinatowns are becoming very important in the dating lives of Chinese immigrants. According to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/cars.12414">our new research</a>, many Chinese immigrants in Canada are turning to online communities hoping to find love.</p>
<p>As the internet and smartphones have become ubiquitous in our day-to-day life, millions of singles are <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1529100612436522">going online</a> to look for romantic partners. And online dating platforms have burgeoned. </p>
<h2>Digital Chinatowns</h2>
<p>Even if you’ve never tried online dating, you’ve probably heard of Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid or one of the many dating apps available today. There are also online dating platforms that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-95540-7_4">cater to specific groups</a>.</p>
<p>A popular choice among Chinese immigrants is <a href="https://www.2redbeans.com/en/chinese-dating?">2RedBeans</a>, one of the main dating sites for Chinese people living abroad. Another frequently mentioned app, <a href="https://tantanapp.com/en">Tantan</a>, is known as the Tinder of China. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A hand holfing a smartphone showing a woman's picture on a dating app." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/509542/original/file-20230210-22-5ahifc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">dating platforms that cater to specific groups have become increasingly popular.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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</figure>
<p>People of Chinese descent are <a href="https://www12.statcan.gc.ca/census-recensement/2021/dp-pd/prof/details/page.cfm?LANG=E&GENDERlist=1&STATISTIClist=1,4&DGUIDlist=2021A000011124&HEADERlist=31,30,25&SearchText=Canada">one of the largest visible minority groups</a> in Canada. Nearly 60 per cent of them are foreign-born immigrants to Canada. </p>
<p>In 2018–2019, our research team interviewed 31 heterosexual Chinese immigrants in Metro Vancouver, including 17 women and 14 men. All of our research participants had used online dating services while they were living in Canada. We talked with each of them about their dating and relationship experiences. </p>
<p>About half of the people we interviewed preferred to date someone of the same ethnic background. Many of them preferred Chinese immigrants who had come to Canada at a similar age to themselves. They believed that immigrating from China to Canada around similar ages would indicate shared cultural upbringings. This cultural matching was perceived to facilitate mutual understanding, good conversations, and feelings of “clicking” in intimate relationships.</p>
<p>Interviewees told us it was difficult to make friends in their daily life in Vancouver, let alone find their preferred dates. For example, one interviewee participated in an <a href="https://bcrefugeehub.ca/free-english-conversation-circles-a-comprehensive-listing/">English conversation circle</a> for newcomers to improve her English. However, she found it hard to socialize with people there because everyone “was cold to each other” and “had little interest in chatting further.” So, she went online in search of dates and romantic partners, just like <a href="https://doi.org/10.1108/INTR-10-2020-0547">many other immigrants</a>. </p>
<p>But meeting people on western dating apps was also challenging for our Chinese immigrant interviewees. While Tinder is often seen as a default option in the western dating scene, one interviewee felt there were “very few Chinese” on Tinder. Another said: “If any, those are the Chinese people who can’t speak Chinese; those speaking Chinese don’t use Tinder to look for partners.”</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Asian woman looks out a window." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508141/original/file-20230203-13612-7qjkit.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Interviewees said that difficulty making friends encouraged them to go online in search of dates.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
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<p>As a result, many Chinese immigrants we interviewed primarily, or even exclusively, used dating platforms that specifically catered to Chinese people. </p>
<p>Dating apps like 2RedBeans and Tantan have created Chinatowns in cyberspace. Chinese-oriented dating apps not only provide a virtual space for co-ethnic daters to gather, but they also preserve the use of Chinese language. </p>
<p>Speaking Chinese matters when connecting with potential partners. Users who lack Chinese language skills can feel blocked out of cyber-Chinatowns. One of our interviewees, who came to Canada as a child and didn’t speak fluent Chinese, said his experience on Chinese dating apps had not been fruitful. In his experience on Tantan, most women stopped talking to him after he asked if they could speak English. </p>
<h2>Racial stereotypes</h2>
<p>Our research also found that Chinese immigrant men were more likely than women to rely on ethnic online communities to look for romance. Men’s choices of online dating platforms were not just down to personal preference, but rooted in their lived experiences of discrimination in dating. </p>
<p>One man shared with us that he once received the following comment from a white woman: “You are the first Asian man that caught my eye!” While it was meant to be complimentary, it felt more like scorn than praise, echoing stereotypes of Asian men being “unmasculine” and “unattractive.” </p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/asian-guys-stereotyped-and-excluded-in-online-dating-130855">Asian guys stereotyped and excluded in online dating</a>
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<p>Some of our male interviewees tried mainstream western dating apps like Tinder and Plenty of Fish but kept getting no matches. Disappointed with their experiences, they soon deleted the apps. </p>
<p>Even if some Chinese men were open to dating women of other ethnicities, non-Chinese women seldom responded to their messages. After experiencing constant non-responses and rejections on western dating apps, Chinese men tended to “retreat” into cyber-Chinatowns as a comfort zone shielding them from potentially disappointing encounters.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="People on a bench using smartphones." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508126/original/file-20230203-7058-srd12l.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=424&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Chinese users found it difficult to meet people on western dating apps due to racial stereotypes.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
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<p>Without enough intercultural contact that promotes <a href="https://hbr.org/2017/06/does-diversity-actually-increase-creativity">deeper understanding</a>, individuals are often reduced to <a href="https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520293458/the-dating-divide">stereotypical characterizations</a>. As such, racial stereotypes remain unchallenged and racial discrimination continues to prevail.</p>
<p>Ethnic, cultural or religious online communities help people find a match. However, such communities can also risk further segregating people into ethnic clusters and reduce interactions across different cultural groups. </p>
<p>Our interviews with Chinese immigrants were conducted before the COVID-19 pandemic. Since then, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.3626460">anti-Asian racism has surged</a>. That could mean more Chinese immigrants will turn to digital Chinatowns to look for love and companionship. </p>
<p>What can be done to help immigrants attain a sense of belonging without living in the margins of the host society? Ideally, in Canada, a country that <a href="https://www.canada.ca/en/services/culture/canadian-identity-society/multiculturalism.html">supports multiculturalism</a>, visible minority immigrants can preserve their ethnic cultures while having plentiful intercultural communications without experiencing racism. But in reality, that is not always the case.</p>
<p>Limited opportunities to make meaningful connections won’t be magically solved by using technology. We must all cultivate more space, on and offline, where we can meet people of different backgrounds and get to know each other as real people and social equals. Culture may define us, but it should not divide us.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/198640/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Manlin Cai receives funding from the UBC Centre for Migration Studies Small Grants for Faculty-Graduate Student Research Collaborations. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the funders.</span></em></p><p class="fine-print"><em><span>Yue Qian receives funding from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada Insight Development Grant and the UBC Centre for Migration Studies Small Grants for Faculty-Graduate Student Research Collaborations. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the funders.</span></em></p>Chinese-oriented online dating platforms create “Chinatowns” in cyberspace, where Chinese daters gather in hopes of finding true love.Manlin Cai, PhD student, Department of Sociology, University of British ColumbiaYue Qian, Associate Professor of Sociology, University of British ColumbiaLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1882972023-01-05T20:36:36Z2023-01-05T20:36:36ZMy favourite fictional character: Queenie, a young Black woman living and dating in London, is ‘complex, funny, broken, fun’<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/498604/original/file-20221202-3288-2il9nv.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C6006%2C4007&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Eric Nopanen/Unsplash</span>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/">CC BY</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Early in the pandemic, I looked after my niece because she had conjunctivitis and couldn’t go to daycare. Despite my best efforts, I caught it. My infection morphed into tonsillitis and I became very sick. I couldn’t read or watch TV properly – which everyone knows are the only pleasures of being sick. So I downloaded the audiobook of <a href="https://www.hachette.com.au/candice-carty-williams/queenie-british-book-awards-book-of-the-year">Queenie</a> by Candice Carty-Williams and listened in bed with my eyes closed. </p>
<p>Before long, I found myself pausing the book to leave myself croaky, semi-lucid voice notes as I fell in love with Queenie Jenkins. (I should have known, in the middle of my PhD on rom-com, I’ll never read commercial fiction solely for pleasure again.)</p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-romance-fiction-rewrites-the-rulebook-183136">Friday essay: romance fiction rewrites the rulebook</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Bridget Jones meets Americanah</h2>
<p>Popularly billed as “<a href="https://www.panmacmillan.com.au/9781529057072/">Bridget Jones</a> meets <a href="https://www.harpercollins.com.au/9780007356348/americanah/">Americanah</a>”, Queenie is the story of a 25-year-old Jamaican British woman living in London, working at a national newspaper, and navigating life after a messy breakup with long-term boyfriend Tom. </p>
<p>Queenie opens in a gynaecologist’s office with a nurse performing an internal exam. It’s got a real chick-lit feel to it – for two paragraphs. But when the nurse brings a doctor into the room for a second opinion, you can feel the shift that indicates this isn’t just another fluffy, formulaic rom-com. </p>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=921&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=921&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=921&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1157&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1157&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498603/original/file-20221202-13-obf988.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1157&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<p>Queenie is written by Candice Carty-Williams, a British writer of Jamaican and Indian heritage. Carty-Williams <a href="https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/candice-carty-williams-hope">comes from a publishing background</a>. She started out with internships that led her to HarperCollins UK, where she worked as a marketing assistant at the 4th Estate imprint. (Incidentally, early in my own career, I was a publishing assistant for 4th Estate in Australia.) </p>
<p>She was then promoted to marketing executive and started a short-story program for Black, Asian and minority ethnic writers to help them get published and/or represented by agents. She went on to work at Penguin, where she was a mentor for the <a href="https://www.penguin.co.uk/company/creative-responsibility/writenow">Write Now</a> program, a fellowship for underrepresented voices – the Australian equivalent is Penguin’s <a href="https://www.penguin.com.au/news/3065-write-it-fellowship-recipients-2021">Write It</a> fellowship (which I was a winner of, along with three other authors, in 2021). </p>
<p>Carty-Williams left publishing in 2019, the year Queenie was published. The point of all this (aside from telling you how my life parallels Carty-Williams’) is to make sure you know she worked in marketing. </p>
<p>Let’s go back to the marketing tagline on Queenie: “Bridget Jones’s Diary Meets Americanah”.</p>
<p>Carty-Williams <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/books/2020/feb/08/candice-carty-williams-interview-queenie">says</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I was working as a marketer in publishing and I thought this was going to be a hard sell because there hadn’t been any books like it. Bridget Jones is the closest. Also, most fiction by black authors gets pigeonholed into literary fiction. I wanted Queenie to be widely read and understood.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>While Queenie is billed as commercial fiction and has a slew of pull quotes all over the cover – from writers like Candace Bushnell, JoJo Moyes, and Dolly Alderton – the story does not shy away from what it’s really like to be a young Black woman in a country like Britain. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=350&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=350&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=350&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=440&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=440&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/498855/original/file-20221205-21-la4z7q.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=440&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Candice Carty-Williams says most fiction by black authors gets pigeonholed into literary fiction.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Hachette Australia</span></span>
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<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/sparks-fly-for-these-bold-culturally-connected-romantic-heroines-in-a-very-aboriginal-love-story-and-a-lebanese-looking-for-alibrandi-186295">Sparks fly for these bold, culturally connected romantic heroines in a 'very Aboriginal' love story and a Lebanese Looking for Alibrandi</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Living and dating as a young Black woman</h2>
<p>Throughout this book, Queenie navigates <a href="https://theconversation.com/hook-ups-pansexuals-and-holy-connection-love-in-the-time-of-millennials-and-generation-z-182226">dating</a> as a Black Woman, living in a Black body, and what it’s like to straddle two cultures while never really feeling as though you fit. </p>
<p>It explores the complications of accessing <a href="https://theconversation.com/mental-distress-is-rising-especially-for-low-income-middle-aged-women-medicare-needs-a-major-shakeup-to-match-need-184635">mental health care</a> when your culture doesn’t believe mental health is an illness – and it explores sexual health, too. It deals with young women not knowing how to say no, or express their boundaries. It deals with some really, really unhealthy dating habits. And it does not gloss over the pain and the politics of life as a Black woman. </p>
<p>“I was in pain,” Queenie thinks at one point. “This is what you get when you push love away. This is what you’re left with …”</p>
<p>Sometimes it seems as though commercial fiction suffers from lack of complexity: if characterisation strays too far into reality – especially the reality of living in a racialised body – it loses commercial appeal. </p>
<p>White women no longer want to read it, because the aspirational appeal has gone. They can’t see themselves in the protagnoist. </p>
<p>With that tagline, Carty-Williams has made sure Queenie, with all her complexities, will make it into the hands of every reader. And those complexities are why she added a disclaimer to her tagline, <a href="https://www.stylist.co.uk/books/candice-carty-williams-queenie-representation-sex/259605">in an interview</a> soon after the book was published:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>everyone has made the comparison to a black Bridget Jones. That’s how I thought of her in the beginning, too. But this book is also naturally political just because of who Queenie is. She’s not Bridget Jones. She could never be.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Though there’s a lot of darkness and pain in Queenie’s life, the book is funny, and joyful too. And its status as commercial fiction allows a wide range of readers to see that. </p>
<p>Queenie has some amazing friends, and her family is bonkers and loving – even though you want to throttle them at times. Like when Queenie tells her grandmother she’s not feeling well, clearly having a panic attack, and her grandmother’s solution is to force her to eat fish fingers and soggy toast – feeding being the family’s “unofficial motto”.</p>
<p>“I didn’t ask if you were hungry, I said <em>have you eaten</em>?”</p>
<p>Queenie is the sort of person I could see myself being friends with. She’s the sort of character I’d like to write someday – complex, funny, broken, fun – and that’s why I love her. </p>
<p>“I saw a cleaner mopping up some sick in the hallway, why don’t you get him in here to have a look as well?” Queenie asks as two doctors and a nurse peer inside her during a gynaecological exam.</p>
<p>The book’s tagline is something else entirely. When I started work on my own rom-com novel, someone told me that in the future it probably wouldn’t be sold by publishers as rom-com. It’s Blak, it’s bisexual, the main character is fat. “It will probably be sold as literary fiction. Or maybe queer romance,” they said. </p>
<p>I think I’m going to have tagline powers written into my own contract. “<a href="https://www.anitaheiss.com/shop/manhattan-dreaming/ad05">Manhattan Dreaming</a> meets the <a href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-need-a-sitter-revisiting-girlhood-feminism-and-diversity-in-the-baby-sitters-club-139767">Baby-Sitters’ Club</a>” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/188297/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Melanie Saward does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Candice Carty-Williams’ Queenie navigates dating as a Black woman, living in a Black body, and what it’s like to straddle two cultures while never really feeling as though you fit.Melanie Saward, Associate Lecturer, Creative Writing, Queensland University of TechnologyLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1966072022-12-20T10:04:34Z2022-12-20T10:04:34ZChristmas films: there might be some truth to stories about hometown romances, according to research<p>The festive season seems to be a good time for love, or so many Christmas films would have us believe. One incredibly popular trope is “<a href="https://screenrant.com/reddit-best-christmas-movie-tropes/">the return</a>” – where the main character, usually with a successful career in the city, returns to their hometown for the festive period.</p>
<p>In their rustic homely surroundings, they come to realise that their life as a singleton in the city has been a sham, fall in love with some kind-hearted local hero or an old flame, <em>et voilà</em> – we have the magic of Christmas!</p>
<p>While certainly clichéd, the trope of “the return” may actually be based on a kernel of truth. Psychologists have <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Attraction-Explained-The-science-of-how-we-form-relationships/Swami/p/book/9780367645793">long known</a> that a powerful spark of attraction and romance is familiarity. In contrast to the commonsense idea that familiarity breeds contempt, familiarity actually breeds liking.</p>
<p>So if you, like these cinematic heroes and heroines, are looking for love in your hometown this Christmas, here is the evidence that might help you with your search.</p>
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<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/five-dating-tips-from-the-georgian-era-186847?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Five dating tips from the Georgian era</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/workplace-romance-four-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-dating-someone-from-the-office-187809?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Workplace romance: four questions to ask yourself before dating someone from the office</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/online-dating-fatigue-why-some-people-are-turning-to-face-to-face-apps-first-184910?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Online dating fatigue – why some people are turning to face-to-face apps first</a></em></p>
<hr>
<h2>The allure of the familiar</h2>
<p>In one <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/002210319290055O">classic American study</a>, researchers had four women attend university classes in different frequencies. One never went to class, another attended five classes, the third attended ten, and the fourth attended class 15 times over a semester.</p>
<p>At the end of the semester, it was found that the more classes the women attended, the more other students liked them and wanted to spend time with them. Familiar faces are not only <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ejsp.422?casa_token=6eWr_gkdehMAAAAA:3Ov1SPOUxliDoN5DUyQbXUzlMuJBaAiLz-1Jqsv76RglPGCG-dik973zAU6TatYSKgCGgV2w6nMVow">liked more</a>, they are also more likely to make us <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167201277011?casa_token=TVKT6DXu6KgAAAAA:gQa3dYxSj_lW1FdCgALnqaUtLjcK8I0IJI7b9XO9NJXrd2t9HoXoTSha8AJAfw_xidjw3_Wyduc">smile</a>.</p>
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<p>One <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Attraction-Explained-The-science-of-how-we-form-relationships/Swami/p/book/9780367645793">reason</a> why familiar stimuli tend to be liked is because our brains process them more easily – or “fluently”, in the parlance of neuroscientists – and this fluency is experienced more positively.</p>
<p>Evolutionary factors may also play a hand in shaping our reactions to familiar people. In general, novel stimuli tend to breed feelings of uncertainty and result in wary reactions. But greater familiarity usually means we know the stimulus to be harmless and we’re more likely to respond favourably as a result.</p>
<p>So, when the main character in a Christmas movie returns to their hometown, familiarity fosters attraction because they seek the positive rewards that familiar others provide. Feelings of comfort and safety with others contribute to liking. Indeed, so powerful is the effect of familiarity that <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9781315663074/psychology-interpersonal-relationships-ellen-berscheid-pamela-regan">some psychologists</a> have said it is “perhaps the most basic” of all principles of attraction.</p>
<h2>Beauty maps</h2>
<p>Familiarity may also work its magic in a more global sense.
To show this, I attempted to put together an <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886908001724?casa_token=RxXkT7HE1JAAAAAA:RJy8f8XGz-2OUVJ5lMydQoCrPasVEEDFi3nHDAFGklDoLcz1nzM8sYKDlDCJ39Vv2yi0Pll1">empirical “beauty map”</a> of London. Over 400 participants in each of London’s 33 boroughs were asked to rate how attractive they thought people in each of the boroughs were, as well as how familiar they were with each borough.</p>
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<p>Our data showed that people in richer boroughs tended to be rated as more attractive than those from poorer boroughs. But more interesting was the fact that attractiveness ratings were also strongly associated with ratings of familiarity. When participants were more familiar with a borough, they rated its residents as more physically attractive. Although limited to London, what this study shows is that our understanding of geographical space can impact who we think is attractive.</p>
<p>In another <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/psp.487?casa_token=rPJWwr307eEAAAAA:VRBF-gR2dMk7Xp_9Zhow2Z71GtGiPWVOeczwwVfSoSGpnESrOjfL6oRd32XOrPIDxChBW00feF5HLQ">study</a> conducted in the Netherlands, researchers interviewed residents in the village of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vriezenveen">Vriezenveen</a> about the effects of geography on partner choice. Residents preferred partners from their own village, who were more familiar and had similar knowledge that comes from sharing an upbringing in the same neighbourhood.</p>
<p>In contrast, residents of villages further away were perceived as being less trustworthy, “a different sort of people”. Even the littlest things – like washing windows on a Sunday – were taken as evidence of that difference. Such beliefs matter because they can affect who we interact and form relationships with. If you believe that people from your hometown are more familiar and trustworthy, then it would make sense to find yourself a partner there.</p>
<p>So if you’re single this Christmas, might it be a good idea to head back to your hometown? The people there will be more familiar, but bear in mind that real life is not a Christmas movie. Just because the trope of “the return” may have a kernel of truth, doesn’t mean that it’s a principle by which to organise your life.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/196607/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Viren Swami does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>We are unsurprisingly attracted to the familiar.Viren Swami, Professor of Social Psychology, Anglia Ruskin UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1914032022-10-17T20:28:15Z2022-10-17T20:28:15ZPowerful women heading up dating apps are framed as young and sexy<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/489627/original/file-20221013-18-nftsei.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=275%2C17%2C5475%2C3811&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Whitney Wolfe Herd who heads up Bumble speaks during the TIME 100 Summit in New York, April 2019. </span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(AP Photo/Richard Drew)</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>People are swiping on dating apps in record numbers and roughly half of these individuals identify as women, which may be the reason why the dating app industry recently assigned the top leadership roles to women.</p>
<p>Indeed, this past year, the most powerful dating apps in the world — <a href="https://www.statista.com/chart/24404/most-popular-dating-apps-us/">Bumble and Tinder</a> — were both run by women. Whitney Wolfe Herd is at Bumble while Renate Nyborg was running Tinder. </p>
<p>As scholars who write about <a href="https://theconversation.com/does-it-really-empower-women-to-expect-them-to-make-the-first-move-175032">dating apps like Bumble</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/love-lust-and-digital-dating-men-on-the-bumble-dating-app-arent-ready-for-the-queen-bee-120796">dating and feminism</a>, we were interested to see how journalists reported on these two women leading the male-dominated, highly lucrative online dating industry and we wanted to compare that coverage with how the CEOs represented themselves on social media. </p>
<p>We looked at last year’s top 50 news stories for each woman that came up in search results. We found a pattern of sexist and patronizing coverage. We noted often repeated descriptors for the leaders and created three categories to describe them: “young tycoon,” “feminist revenge” and “sexy poster child.” </p>
<p>We also did a <a href="https://www.google.com/imghp?hl=en">Google Image search</a> and looked at the top 100 results for each CEO to <a href="https://annenberg.usc.edu/news/diversity-and-inclusion/algorithms-oppression-safiya-noble-finds-old-stereotypes-persist-new">see how a Google search represented</a> these leaders. What we saw were visually distinct styles intricately tied to each brand. </p>
<p>In contrast, we observed more diverse and interesting accounts of gender and leadership in the women’s personal media spaces. These stories include notions of motherhood, inclusivity and equity. </p>
<p>It seems that significant tensions exist between news representations of women leaders in tech versus how they represent themselves.</p>
<h2>The Bumble sensation</h2>
<p>Both CEOs are depicted in news stories through the lens of sexism and sensationalism. In the case of Whitney Wolfe Herd, her youth as well as her scandalous past with Tinder are often highlighted.</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/489625/original/file-20221013-23-ncwrm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/489625/original/file-20221013-23-ncwrm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=928&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489625/original/file-20221013-23-ncwrm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=928&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489625/original/file-20221013-23-ncwrm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=928&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489625/original/file-20221013-23-ncwrm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1166&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489625/original/file-20221013-23-ncwrm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1166&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489625/original/file-20221013-23-ncwrm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1166&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<span class="caption">Bollywood actress Priyanka Chopra, right, stands with Bumble founder and CEO Whitney Wolfe Herd during the launch party for Bumble in New Delhi, India in 2018.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(AP Photo/Pallav Paliwal)</span></span>
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<p>Wolfe Herd launched the feminist dating app Bumble in 2014, after leaving Tinder. She became the youngest self-made female billionaire. She’s also the <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/angelauyeung/2021/02/11/bumble-founder-whitney-wolfe-herds-fortune-rockets-past-1-billion-as-dating-app-goes-public/?sh=5b43db80578d">youngest woman CEO to take a company public in the United States</a>. </p>
<p>Yet mainstream news and pop culture outlets focus on <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-switch/wp/2014/07/01/read-the-most-surprising-allegations-from-the-tinder-sexual-harassment-lawsuit/">her controversial past with Tinder</a> and the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/whitney-wolfe-settles-sexual-harassment-tinder-lawsuit-1-million-2014-11">sexual discrimination suit she filed</a> prior to leaving Tinder. </p>
<p>The language of competition, divisiveness and feminist backlash runs through many of these articles. <a href="https://time.com/4737036/dating-feminist-advice-bumble-founder-whitney-wolfe/">Bumble is framed as part of her larger feminist agenda</a> that is set on <a href="https://nypost.com/2015/03/11/scorned-tinder-co-founder-finally-gets-revenge-against-the-tech-bros/">revenge against the tech bros who dominate the dating app industry</a>.</p>
<h2>Renate Nyborg let go from Tinder</h2>
<p>Renate Nyborg’s ascent to the top of Tinder in 2021 made headlines primarily in financial and economic publications. Most stories highlight that <a href="https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/match-group-names-renate-nyborg-chief-executive-officer-of-tinder-301373226.html">she is Tinder’s first female CEO</a> and that she is a “poster-child” for the company since she met her husband on the app. An article in <a href="https://fortune.com/2022/05/18/tinder-ceo-online-dating-women-lgbtq-renate-nyborg/"><em>Fortune</em> magazine</a> calls her “the ultimate testament to Tinder’s ability to create healthy, long-term relationships.” </p>
<p>Other stories reflect <a href="https://markets.businessinsider.com/news/stocks/renate-nyborg-to-lead-dating-app-tinder-1030792698">optimism about Nyborg’s potential to grow the app due to previous start-up experience</a>. Tinder is positioned as the brand and most stories focus on Nyborg’s ability to advance the company. </p>
<p>Yet after less than a year, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2022/aug/03/tinder-chief-leaves-dating-app-after-one-year-renate-nyborg">she was quietly released from her position</a> this August and the impact of her brief reign within the tech industry has been glossed over. </p>
<p>During her tenure, <a href="https://www.tinderpressroom.com/2022-07-14-Tinder-wins-three-2022-Comparably-Awards,-Including-Best-Career-Growth">Tinder won multiple awards, including Best CEO for Diversity</a>, and it <a href="https://www.tinderpressroom.com/2022-03-08-Tinder-Named-One-of-the-Worlds-Most-Innovative-Companies-in-2022-by-Fast-Company">was named one of the most innovative companies of 2022 by <em>Fast Company</em></a>.</p>
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<p>Given the importance of diversity and innovation in the tech industry, her dismissal is curious if growth in these areas was a corporate priority. It may be linked with the illusionary nature of empowerment within various aspects of the dating app industry and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/20563051211068130">Tinder’s lingering identity as a platform associated with hook-ups and misogyny</a>.</p>
<h2>Social media representations</h2>
<p>Compared to the limited and problematic portrayals of the CEOs in the news media, the women employ more diverse and personalized notions of gender and leadership on their social media platforms. </p>
<p>Wolfe Herd showcases her identity as Bumble CEO on her social media accounts, on Instagram especially and Twitter less so. She also flags her role as a mother who runs a company that’s central to her larger feminist mission. </p>
<p>Her <a href="https://girlboss.com/">narrative of female empowerment reminiscent of the “girl boss”</a> is prevalent. She constructs herself as the brand, with Bumble and its <a href="https://twitter.com/whitwolfeherd?lang=en">“women make the first move” philosophy</a> forming part of a larger feminist mission to revolutionize modern courtship. </p>
<p>Nyborg curates her leadership persona primarily on professional platforms like Twitter and LinkedIn, and actively posts about leadership, tech blogs and gender diversity. She also highlights her excitement about leading the company.</p>
<p>Her social media accounts emphasize a broad framing of inclusivity to effect change. On her last day at Tinder, Nyborg shared a <a href="https://www.linkedin.com/posts/renatenyborg_swiperight-activity-6960374540644315136-QFZC/?trk=public_profile_like_view&originalSubdomain=es">post on LinkedIn to highlight her accomplishments, focusing on elevating women’s safety and inclusion at her former company</a>. </p>
<h2>Fashion and colour</h2>
<p><a href="https://financialpost.com/fp-work/women-embrace-colour-and-style-as-old-office-wear-rules-go-out-the-window">Fashion and colour are used strategically both in the news stories and also how these women style themselves</a> as powerful female executives performing important leadership roles. </p>
<p>Journalist Alexis Grenell, writing in <em>The Nation</em>, suggests that we have been conditioned to visually associate executive power with male fashion, namely the suit and tie. She writes: <a href="https://www.thenation.com/article/society/hochul-garcia-power-visual/">“if we don’t note how women are redefining what executive power looks like … it’ll remain de facto male”</a>.</p>
<p>Bumble is synonymous with a sunny shade of yellow, which marks the company brand and is widely featured in Whitney Wolfe Herd’s posts. Herd uses images that project a “wholesome, girl next door” vibe with light lipsticks and muted, <a href="https://www.highsnobiety.com/p/bumble-shop-clothing-basics-collection/">college-inspired clothing</a>.</p>
<p>The Tinder flame logo is red, and this colour dominates Renate Nyborg’s images in news and her own media stories. She usually wears bold red lipstick to match her red outfits, <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/mariaminor/2020/10/19/wear-red-show-your-strength-and-confidence/?sh=680f29d1821c">signaling strength</a>. </p>
<p>When it comes to matching fashion to corporate brands, the meanings associated with certain colours can have unintentional consequences for leaders. Whereas yellow may boost Wolfe Herd’s persona through <a href="https://www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/how-to-wear-colour-to-work/">positive notions of happiness and creativity</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.95.5.1150">associations with red could be interpreted as sexual and aggressive</a> for Nyborg. </p>
<h2>Corporate culture remains male-driven</h2>
<p>Nyborg’s departure from Tinder suggests that it’s still hard for women to maintain high level executive positions in the tech industry, even when they’re the CEO. </p>
<p>Initial reflections of the news coverage show a persistent devaluing of women’s contributions in tech leadership </p>
<p>We need more stories about how women are challenging and changing male-driven corporate culture.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/191403/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Two women ruled the dating app tech industry last year. How they were portrayed by mainstream media versus how they portrayed themselves in social media says a lot about how women leaders are viewed.Treena Orchard, Associate Professor, School of Health Studies, Western UniversityRiki Thompson, Associate Professor of Digital Rhetoric and Writing Studies, University of WashingtonLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1920122022-10-13T19:21:29Z2022-10-13T19:21:29ZThe Right Stuff: the new conservative dating app which has unsurprisingly, failed to attract women<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/489465/original/file-20221012-17-677ljh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=19%2C0%2C6612%2C3062&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Austin Distel/Unsplash</span></span></figcaption></figure><p><a href="https://www.daterightstuff.com/optin-565025161664468347967">The Right Stuff</a> is a new conservative dating app, recently launched in the US. Not yet available in Australia, the app was apparently created “for conservatives to connect in authentic and meaningful ways.” </p>
<p>It offers to bring people together with shared values and similar passions, ensuring users “view profiles without pronouns” and are able to “connect with people who aren’t offended by everything”.</p>
<p>As you might anticipate, the app has drawn immediate, and controversial attention, for a variety of reasons. Firstly, and importantly, there appears to be an absence of <a href="https://www.thedailybeast.com/women-turned-off-by-billionaire-peter-thiels-conservative-dating-app-the-right-stuff">female users</a>. Problematic, given the app only caters for an heterosexual audience.</p>
<p>Secondly, the app was co-founded by former Trump aide <a href="https://www.axios.com/2022/02/15/peter-thiel-conservative-dating-app-the-rightstuff">John McEntee</a>. Ryann McEnany, the sister of the former White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, is the <a href="https://www.outfrontmagazine.com/conservative-dating-app-the-right-stuff-gives-new-meaning-to-swiping-right/">app’s spokesperson</a>. Finally, the app is financially backed by right-wing billionaire and <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/14/technology/republican-trump-peter-thiel.html">PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel</a>. </p>
<p>The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TugyeJTwHS4">ads</a> for the app have also attracted a level of derision from audiences. Featuring an all-female cast, women are asked “What they’re looking for in a man?”</p>
<p>They respond they are looking for an “alpha male vibe”, an independent man, a man who is family-orientated.</p>
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<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/TugyeJTwHS4?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
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<p>When women in the video were asked what their “biggest red flag” in their potential partners was. They all replied they couldn’t be with a Democrat.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/the-exclusive-dating-app-for-celebrities-and-influencers-why-raya-has-been-called-the-illuminati-of-the-tinder-world-186828">The exclusive dating app for celebrities and influencers – why Raya has been called 'the Illuminati of the Tinder world'</a>
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<h2>Politics and dating apps</h2>
<p>This isn’t the first dating app to intersect tech, dating, intimacy and politics. </p>
<p>In 2016, Bumble launched its political digital “bumper stickers”, which featured Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz and, of course, Trump. These were later updated, replaced by iterations reflecting the political times. </p>
<p>In America, the app currently allows you to share whether or not you have voted in the mid-term elections. Whitey Wolfe Herd, creator and CEO of Bumble, <a href="https://mashable.com/article/bumble-political-filters">has said</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Political views are more than just current topics, sometimes entire value sets can be tied to political views. It tells you a lot about a person.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>In 2020, OkCupid launched its “<a href="https://theblog.okcupid.com/voters-make-better-lovers-8e0f1c5881fd">Voters Make Better Lovers</a>” campaign in advance of the presidential election.</p>
<p>In a press release, the company said “practising your right to vote is the biggest turn-on to OkCupid singles today”. </p>
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<p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/high-maintenance-is-a-red-flag-on-dating-apps-women-are-still-expected-to-shrink-themselves-180113">'High maintenance' is a red flag on dating apps. Women are still expected to shrink themselves</a>
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<h2>Shared values</h2>
<p>Speaking to the Slow Love podcast in 2020, OkCupid’s then chief marketing officer, Melissa Hobley, said users on the app <a href="https://music.amazon.ca/podcasts/6da96ad8-2ba7-43d6-b6fc-9815e6272d75/episodes/2c95eb17-2db8-45f4-99e8-988c69674304/slow-love-slow-love-ep-11-melissa-hobley---okcupid">were increasingly</a> making match-decisions based on shared values, with political inclinations and climate philosophies ranking highly in the mix.</p>
<p>In my research into dating apps and intimacy, I have found women would quickly ghost matches who made racist, sexist or overly sexualised statements in chat or on their profile.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A man on a phone" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=480&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=480&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=480&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=603&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=603&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/489469/original/file-20221012-13-ym4nec.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=603&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Women quickly ghost matches who made racist, sexist or overly sexualised statements.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Dane Deaner/Unsplash</span></span>
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<p>User reviews and <a href="https://gizmodo.com/the-right-stuff-asks-for-details-about-january-6th-1849620087">media reports</a> have overwhelmingly indicated a lack of women on The Right Stuff. (This has not yet been corroborated by the Right Stuff spokespeople.) </p>
<p>Take this <a href="https://www.thelondoneconomic.com/lifestyle/conservatives-only-dating-app-hit-with-hilariously-scathing-reviews-336550/">user complaint</a> for example: </p>
<blockquote>
<p>These days, it’s hard to find a woman who values my patriotism. My faith. And so after being ghosted by every match on Tinder, I decided to give this app a try. […] But the weird thing was, I couldn’t find any women on it. I don’t know, maybe the app is bugged?</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Dating apps are not merely a platform for personal relationships. As Lik Sam Chan, assistant professor at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, explores in his research, apps are an <a href="https://mitpress.mit.edu/9780262542340/the-politics-of-dating-apps/">emerging arena</a> for gender and politics. These spaces can provide opportunities for women’s empowerment and men’s performances of masculinity.</p>
<p>Similarly, Australian academic Martin Nakata <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/australian-journal-of-indigenous-education/article/abs/cultural-interface/B8321A596C2BFF62FA6B81E7F214BC38">argues</a> online spaces – such as dating apps – can be understood as digitally mediated “sites of struggle over the meaning of [our] experience”. </p>
<p>Dating apps constitute relatively new sites of culturally and politically mediated encounter. They are emerging as the new digital interface for gender and political negotiation.</p>
<p>Certainly, the launch of the Right Stuff tends to suggest the importance of political orientation for women looking to date – and reveals that right wing values are indeed viewed as “the wrong stuff” for many American women.</p>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/looking-for-love-on-a-dating-app-you-might-be-falling-for-a-ghost-128626">Looking for love on a dating app? You might be falling for a ghost</a>
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<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/192012/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Lisa Portolan does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>This isn’t the first dating app to intersect tech, dating, intimacy and politics.Lisa Portolan, PhD student, Institute for Culture and Society, Western Sydney UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1868282022-09-14T20:03:25Z2022-09-14T20:03:25ZThe exclusive dating app for celebrities and influencers – why Raya has been called ‘the Illuminati of the Tinder world’<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/484185/original/file-20220913-1734-e2koy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C4920%2C3260&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>In 2020, Sharon Stone <a href="https://www.nme.com/news/film/sharon-stones-bumble-dating-profile-has-finally-been-restored-2607744">tweeted</a> that her Bumble dating profile had been closed due to users reporting the account as fake. In less than 24 hours, Bumble had restored her account and apologised for the misunderstanding.</p>
<p>You might be forgiven for thinking the Basic Instinct star couldn’t possibly be looking for love on a mainstream dating app like Bumble. It’s not every day that you swipe left to discover the next profile to be a Hollywood celebrity. </p>
<p>However it would appear celebrities, are just like the rest of us. Looking for love or intimacy in a world where the face-to-face meetings are no longer commonplace. Unlike Sharon Stone, instead of using Bumble, the majority use their own special dating app called <a href="https://www.rayatheapp.com/">Raya</a>. </p>
<p>A membership to this invite-only dating app is as exclusive as you would expect, with only a small number of elite applicants accepted on the app – which means your chances of charming and dating someone rich and famous on Tinder (insert shocked emoji) just got even slimmer.</p>
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<h2>What is Raya?</h2>
<p>Launched in 2015, Raya, prides itself on being “an exclusive dating and networking platform for people in creative industries.”</p>
<p>Cara Delevingne, Ruby Rose, Alexander Wang, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Teri Hatcher, Elijah Wood, and Zach Braff are among the elite crew <a href="https://thelatch.com.au/what-is-raya-secret-dating-app-for-celebrities/#:%7E:text=A%20year%20on%20from%20Raya's,were%20among%20the%20elite%20crew.">rumoured</a> to be on the dating app. Demi Lovato has been a longtime user of online relationship sites. She revealed in her documentary, Simply Complicated, that she chose Raya after her split from Wilmer Valderrama in 2016. Most recently Lily Allen and David Harbour credited their meeting to Raya. </p>
<p>Before you think about sneaking onto the platform sometimes known as the “Tinder Illuminati” of the dating-app-world, there’s a complex application process – which includes being referred by three people, and then being vetted by an unknown panel of judges. Rumour has it, Raya has over<a href="https://www.newyorker.com/culture/infinite-scroll/raya-and-the-promise-of-private-social-media"> ten times</a> more people waiting to get on the app – than those currently on it.</p>
<p>The New York Times reports only about <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/27/style/raya-dating-app.html">8% of applications are accepted</a>, meaning Raya has a higher rejection rate than the illustrious Harvard Business School.</p>
<p>You’ll also need to pay for it it, with a conservative fee of AU $9.99 a month, and further in app purchases (for example, extra swipes - once you’ve swiped on a certain number of profiles, Raya temporarily stops showing you new profiles unless you choose to pay a small fee of $4.99) required. Promotional material indicates: “Raya’s primary goal is for like-minded people to have an easy, accessible, and comfortable platform on which to connect.” </p>
<p>The applications are “reviewed by an anonymous global committee” to “maintain that ideal.” </p>
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<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/high-maintenance-is-a-red-flag-on-dating-apps-women-are-still-expected-to-shrink-themselves-180113">'High maintenance' is a red flag on dating apps. Women are still expected to shrink themselves</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>How to find love on Raya</h2>
<p>My research examines how and if dating apps have changed intimacy, sex and romantic relationships. How does love change as a result of a digital sieve? However, it’s difficult to locate Raya users to provide their testimonies on their exclusive experiences. </p>
<p>Most B grade users, that is, non-celebrities and non-influencers, report that the app is overwhelming, and doesn’t deliver matches. In simple terms if you’re not an A grade celebrity, you simply don’t have the celebrity pull to get the matches. </p>
<p>Insiders indicate that the app is awash with professional photos, where the majority of users look like models. On ordinary apps, such profiles are usually rejected as potentially fake profiles or as bots.</p>
<p>The profiles are shown in slideshow format, with users picking a song to play their slideshow to. All profiles include the person’s Instagram handle, so if you did really like the look of someone and wanted to make sure you did connect with them, you could add them on Instagram. In addition, screenshots, are not allowed within these hallowed halls. </p>
<p>From 40 people interviewed in Australia, only 2 had used Raya. Those interviewed described the app as a “waste of time”, indicating that while there was a plethora of recognisable talent on the app, the majority fell into the influencer category - and their strike/ or match rate was low if not non-existent. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-a-soft-or-hard-relationship-launch-explaining-the-celebrity-led-trend-176531">What is a 'soft' or 'hard' relationship launch? Explaining the celebrity-led trend</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Celebrities and creatives</h2>
<p>The app does raise a pertinent question around what we consider to be the creative industries in today’s society - and whether this terminology expands out to influencers or for example, OnlyFans content creators, and how we tier celebrities, and creatives. </p>
<p>Dating apps also tend to open a pandora’s box of judgemental behaviours. My research would indicate that the majority of users make split-second decisions mostly based on appearance, but also tend to continue this hypercritical behaviour as they discontinue direct message exchanges, and ultimately people. </p>
<p>Mainstream dating apps are highly white domains, <a href="https://www.npr.org/2018/01/09/575352051/least-desirable-how-racial-discrimination-plays-out-in-online-dating">with sexual racism proliferating</a>, occurring in overt (for example, the common “No Asians” <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-03-06/sexual-racism-on-dating-apps-in-australia/100872332">bio descriptions</a>), to more covert behaviours such swiping left against ethnically diverse people. </p>
<p>They encourage a <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/modern-dating-odds-economy-apps-tinder-math/606982/">highly visual economy</a>, where individuals are often reduced to a hot or not factor. Most of the participants in my focus groups and interviews felt like they had become more judgemental as a result of their dating app use – quickly rejecting punters who were not arbitrarily attractive.</p>
<p>Apps like Raya, while claiming to pool together like-minded people instead tend to extend and reinforce the idea that modern-day-love, categorised by the dating app, is only eligible for a certain hallowed few arbitrarily good-looking people, with solid Instagram, or Only Fans followings. Simultaneously, they warp the idea of the creative industries and creative people. </p>
<p>Raya opens up the promise of a private dating space in an online environment. However, in doing so it creates a digital culture where intimacy is limited to an elite group of people, no longer open to the masses. </p>
<p>As platforms like Tinder <a href="https://www.choice.com.au/consumer-advocacy/policy-submissions/2020/august/complaint-to-the-accc-about-tinder-misuse-of-data-and-discriminatory-pricing">undergo scrutiny </a>around pricing structures and safety, the future could entail a plethora of Rayas – defined by the attributes (and payment) of their community members. Importantly, keeping the undesirables at bay.</p>
<p>But in doing so are we further creating a world of intimacy haves and have-nots?</p>
<p>While a select few might be enjoying the sanctity of private and exclusive dating - the rest of us have been locked outside, left to navigate the wild-west of the digital dating world.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/186828/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Lisa Portolan does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Launched in 2015, Raya, prides itself on being ‘an exclusive dating and networking platform for people in creative industries’.Lisa Portolan, PhD student, Institute for Culture and Society, Western Sydney UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1878092022-08-22T15:00:20Z2022-08-22T15:00:20ZWorkplace romance: four questions to ask yourself before dating someone from the office<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/479397/original/file-20220816-26-erf6w6.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=51%2C44%2C4230%2C2798&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/man-wearing-white-shirt-covered-by-554908402">Arturs Budkevics / Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>In the digital age, online dating and swiping right are the status quo for romance. Practically gone are the days of meeting “the one” in a pub. But what about flirting by the water cooler or over Zoom? The consensual office relationship has been both a romance trope and a <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-matt-hancocks-private-life-is-very-much-in-the-public-interest-163444">taboo</a> for decades.</p>
<p>There are many reasons someone might enter a workplace relationship. Research shows that people gravitate towards like-minded people with common personality traits, backgrounds, belief systems and ideas. Proximity and familiarity also influence attraction, something psychologists call the <a href="https://www.neuroscience.org.uk/proximity-mere-exposure-effect-social-psychology/">mere exposure effect</a>. </p>
<p>For better or for worse, offices are a place where like-minded people are in close proximity to each other for many hours, so it’s no surprise that many people are open to love at work. A <a href="https://yougov.co.uk/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2020/02/13/how-do-brits-find-love">2020 YouGov poll</a> found that 18% of Brits met their current or most recent partner through work.</p>
<hr>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/five-dating-tips-from-the-georgian-era-186847?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Five dating tips from the Georgian era</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/four-reasons-the-shift-to-hybrid-working-is-set-to-stay-for-young-professionals-186013?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Four reasons the shift to hybrid working is set to stay for young professionals</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/your-dream-wedding-might-not-be-legal-time-to-update-englands-old-fashioned-marriage-laws-187567?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Your dream wedding might not be legal – time to update England’s old-fashioned marriage laws</a></em></p>
<hr>
<p>If you’re thinking about entering a relationship with your desk neighbour, or even your boss, here are some things to consider.</p>
<h2>1. Is it a hierarchical relationship?</h2>
<p>Despite their prevalence, office romances are still frowned upon, and more so after the #MeToo movement. Deciding to enter a <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407516635285">hierarchical workplace relationship</a> (when one partner is in a higher position at work than the other) is not something to be taken lightly. </p>
<p>Lower-status participants who have coupled up with their boss or senior staff member are sometimes confronted with gossip and career roadblocks because of their relationship. While some may think entering such a relationship could help them get ahead in their career, in reality their relationship status could hinder their progress. <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407516635285">Research has found</a> that the lower-status person in a hierarchical workplace relationship is less likely to be promoted or recommended for training opportunities than their colleagues who are not in such a relationship.</p>
<h2>2. How might it affect your work performance?</h2>
<p>With love and sex on the brain, is anyone getting any work done? The general stance is that canoodling is bad for business and affects productivity. Studies have found that feelings of passion and love, especially in the early stages of a relationship, can negatively impact productivity because <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/271740194_Reduced_cognitive_control_in_passionate_lovers">our minds are elsewhere</a> than the task at hand. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A man sits at his desk while a female colleague touches his shoulders." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/479398/original/file-20220816-9646-oq2vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/479398/original/file-20220816-9646-oq2vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479398/original/file-20220816-9646-oq2vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479398/original/file-20220816-9646-oq2vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479398/original/file-20220816-9646-oq2vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479398/original/file-20220816-9646-oq2vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479398/original/file-20220816-9646-oq2vva.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Office flirtations are common, but they can be a distraction.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/young-black-woman-massaging-her-male-1908773212">Prostock-studio / Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>This is particularly challenging in a professional environment, and when you may have to work alongside your lover. However, there are measures you can take to curb distractions. Minimise communications that are not of a work-related nature, except when essential, and avoid physical touch like kissing or holding hands in the workplace. </p>
<h2>3. Does your organisation allow it?</h2>
<p>Courtship and dating are <a href="https://core.ac.uk/outputs/161116640">natural phenomena</a>, whether organisations like it or not. Prohibiting relationships is not the solution, and if anything will only <a href="https://www.ijmra.us/project%20doc/IJMIE_AUGUST2012/IJMRA-MIE1479.pdf">lead relationships underground</a>.</p>
<p>Despite this, many employers (mainly in the US) manage relationships by deploying “love contracts” – written rules and policies which the couple agrees to, confirming that the relationship is consensual and voluntary. This not only designed to protect the couple, but to protect the employer from being sued for harassment if the relationship breaks down. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="View from behind of two men in business dress walking hand in hand." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/479404/original/file-20220816-5577-vi566e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/479404/original/file-20220816-5577-vi566e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479404/original/file-20220816-5577-vi566e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479404/original/file-20220816-5577-vi566e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=401&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479404/original/file-20220816-5577-vi566e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479404/original/file-20220816-5577-vi566e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/479404/original/file-20220816-5577-vi566e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">If you’re dating someone from work, keep physical contact to a minimum in the office.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/two-asian-business-men-walking-hand-1048582697">FLUKY FLUKY / Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Employees aren’t likely to want to disclose to their direct line of report, HR person or relevant peers, who they are having sexual relations with. Article 8 of the Human Rights Act protects individuals of their right to <a href="https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/human-rights-act/article-8-respect-your-private-and-family-life">private and family life</a>, which might explain why love contracts are <a href="https://www.hrmagazine.co.uk/content/features/legal-ease-relationships-at-work-and-love-contracts">not used</a> in the UK. </p>
<p>Employers have to balance their own business interests with their employee’s privacy rights. However, just as there are policies and training for tackling sexual harassment, discrimination and mental health, there is also a need to address workplace romances. Your employer should have accessible (and reasonable) policies and guidelines about disclosing relationships, particularly when they are hierarchical.</p>
<h2>4. What happens if you split up?</h2>
<p>While no one plans for their relationship to end, things do happen and it’s best to be prepared. In a non-workplace relationship, a break-up might mean your productivity declines or you need to take a <a href="https://theconversation.com/taking-a-mental-health-day-can-be-good-for-you-heres-how-to-make-the-most-of-one-186493">mental health day</a>. But if you work with your now-ex partner, there are other things to consider, like if you have to interact or collaborate on a project.</p>
<p>Where relevant, it may be possible to request a transfer to a different team or to work remotely until the dust settles. Your company may also offer <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/238318622_How_effective_is_workplace_counselling_A_review_of_the_research_literature">workplace counselling</a> or <a href="https://www.eapa.org.uk/">programmes</a> designed to support employees going through tough times, including depression, grief or the aftermath of a relationship.</p>
<p>Ultimately, how employers choose to manage romance at work depends on acknowledging that workplace relationships do happen, and understanding that happier and more satisfied employees tend to be <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7120033/">more productive</a> and collaborate better in teams. It is in employers’ best interests to support their employees’ wellbeing, even (and especially) when those employees fall in love. </p>
<div style="height: 430px;">
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</div><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/187809/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Chantal Gautier does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>A sexologist and expert on organisational psychology explains how to navigate a workplace romance.Chantal Gautier, Lecturer, Organisational Psychologist and Clinical Sexologist, School of Social Sciences, University of WestminsterLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1849102022-06-20T10:51:31Z2022-06-20T10:51:31ZOnline dating fatigue – why some people are turning to face-to-face apps first<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/469280/original/file-20220616-22-d2gzpo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=82%2C49%2C5302%2C3282&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/couple-date-black-man-woman-drinking-1494190382">Prostock-studio / Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>For the last two-plus years, people hoping to meet their soulmate in person have had a rough time. Lockdowns and uncertainty about social gatherings have led many people to turn to dating apps. People who feel they have lost months or years of their dating life may be eager to avoid the perils of dating apps – <a href="https://theconversation.com/from-ghosting-to-backburner-relationships-the-reasons-people-behave-so-badly-on-dating-apps-179600">ghosting, backburner relationships</a>, or just wasting time chatting with the wrong people.</p>
<p>People are eager to meet in person, and the menu of dating apps is expanding to accommodate this. In addition to the likes of Tinder, Hinge and Bumble, there are apps that focus on bringing people together in person. </p>
<p>One of these is an <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2022/01/07/thursday-dating-hit-millennials-suffering-app-fatigue/">increasingly popular</a> app called Thursday. It is live just once a week (on Thursdays) and gives users just 24 hours to arrange a date. This cuts down on the onerous swiping and messaging throughout the week and possibly prevents people using the app simply for validation or amusement. Thursday also hosts in-person events where attendees might meet someone without swiping at all.</p>
<hr>
<figure class="align-right ">
<img alt="Quarter life, a series by The Conversation" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=600&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/451343/original/file-20220310-13-1bj6csd.png?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=754&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
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<p><em><strong><a href="https://theconversation.com/uk/topics/quarter-life-117947?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">This article is part of Quarter Life</a></strong>, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.</em></p>
<p><em>You may be interested in:</em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/why-you-should-travel-solo-this-summer-184000?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Why you should travel solo this summer</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/sally-rooneys-conversations-with-friends-how-british-attitudes-have-become-tougher-on-adultery-183843?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Sally Rooney’s Conversations with Friends – how British attitudes have become tougher on adultery</a></em></p>
<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/love-island-ditches-fast-fashion-how-reality-celebrities-influence-young-shoppers-habits-183771?utm_source=TCUK&utm_medium=linkback&utm_campaign=UK+YP2022&utm_content=InArticleTop">Love Island ditches fast fashion: how reality celebrities influence young shoppers’ habits</a></em></p>
<hr>
<p>There are a few reasons in-person dating may be more appealing to some people than dating apps. The information we glean from online profiles gives us little to go on. Meeting in person results in a far richer and more detailed impression of a date than meeting online, where all we see is a photo and, usually, a brief bio. Also, 45% of current or previous users of dating apps or sites reported that the experience left them <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/ft_2020-02-06_datingtakeaways_02">feeling frustrated</a>.</p>
<p>Online dating matches us to people we don’t know, making it easy for <a href="https://theconversation.com/first-the-love-bomb-then-the-financial-emergency-5-tactics-of-tinder-swindlers-176807">scammers to take advantage of them</a>. Apart from this, users often misrepresent themselves, resulting in disappointment when daters meet face to face.</p>
<p>While online dating appears to offer an abundance of choice, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15213269.2015.1121827?cookieSet=1">research suggests</a> that we make poorer decisions online about dating choice. We use simpler methods when choosing from a large array of potential suitors than when we choose on a one-to-one basis in person. This is often referred to as the paradox of choice.</p>
<h2>Are dating apps dead?</h2>
<p>Dating apps have undisputedly had a huge impact on how couples meet. In the US, <a href="https://news.stanford.edu/2019/08/21/online-dating-popular-way-u-s-couples-meet/">meeting online is the most popular</a> way that couples meet, and the number has increased in recent years.</p>
<p>Part of the appeal of apps is their simplicity: you can create a profile and start matching with people in a matter of minutes. Despite this, using dating apps does take time and effort. A large survey by <a href="https://www.bustle.com/p/millennials-spend-average-of-10-hours-a-week-on-dating-apps-survey-finds-but-heres-what-experts-actually-recommend-8066805">dating app Badoo found</a> that millennials spend on average 90 minutes a day looking for a date, by swiping, liking, matching and chatting.</p>
<p>Often, messages by one party go unanswered by the other, and even if there is a response, the chatting may never result in meeting in person. In 2016, Hinge’s data found that only <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2016/10/03/why-is-the-dating-app-hinge-bashing-swipe-apps/">one in 500 swipes</a> resulted in phone numbers being exchanged.</p>
<p>This onerous process may lead to online dating fatigue for some. If we get no positive matches from our seemingly endless swiping, or we receive no response to our messages, our online dating efforts will eventually fizzle out.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A woman looks confusedly at her mobile phone" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/469273/original/file-20220616-20-pmnopz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/469273/original/file-20220616-20-pmnopz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/469273/original/file-20220616-20-pmnopz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/469273/original/file-20220616-20-pmnopz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/469273/original/file-20220616-20-pmnopz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/469273/original/file-20220616-20-pmnopz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/469273/original/file-20220616-20-pmnopz.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Do you have dating app fatigue?</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/upset-confused-young-woman-suing-mobile-594411368">pathdoc / Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Traditional dating apps are still incredibly popular, especially among young people. As of 2021, Tinder has been <a href="https://www.tinderpressroom.com/news?item=122515">downloaded</a> over 450 million times – with Generation Z making up 50% of the app’s users.</p>
<p>Research by <a href="https://lendedu.com/blog/tinder-match-millennials/">Lendedu</a> asked 3,852 millennials whether they had ever met up with their Tinder matches. The research found that only 29% said “yes” – much lower than the 66% who reported meeting for at least one date via more traditional dating sites such as Match or OKCupid. </p>
<p>But not everyone on Tinder is hoping to find a date. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0736585316301216">Research among Dutch Tinder users found</a> that many use the app for validation (using matches merely as an assessment of one’s own level of attractiveness), or for the thrill of receiving a match but having no intention of pursuing a date. </p>
<p>For this reason, dating apps may eventually lose users who are pursuing genuine relationships, particularly if they are instead turning to face-to-face opportunities first. But as long as they adapt to the changing demands of daters, apps are here to stay.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/184910/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Martin Graff does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Newer apps like Thursday prioritise meeting in person over possibly endless online chat.Martin Graff, Senior Lecturer in Psychology of Relationships, University of South WalesLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1822262022-05-15T20:15:14Z2022-05-15T20:15:14ZHook-ups, pansexuals and holy connection: love in the time of millennials and Generation Z<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462196/original/file-20220510-12-8t3is2.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=35%2C71%2C5955%2C3916&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption"></span> </figcaption></figure><p>“That Love is all there is,” wrote Emily Dickinson, </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Is all we know of Love;<br>
It is enough, the freight should be<br>
Proportioned to the groove.<br></p>
</blockquote>
<p>Does what we know of love still apply to Australian relationships today – particularly among millennials and Generation Z, whose partnerships and dating behaviours are charting new territories? </p>
<hr>
<p><em>Review: Heartland: What is the future of modern love? by Jennifer Pinkerton (Allen & Unwin).</em></p>
<hr>
<figure class="align-right zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=918&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1153&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1153&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462191/original/file-20220510-22-dgjg6f.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1153&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption"></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Online dating, hook-ups, increased access to porn. Chastity movements. Romantic partners across (or regardless of) gender orientations. <a href="https://theconversation.com/more-romantic-partners-means-more-support-say-polyamorous-couples-125867">Polyamory</a> and a still-prevalent belief in <a href="https://theconversation.com/monogamy-cheating-on-what-nature-intended-or-a-simple-choice-7147">monogamy</a>. It’s all part of the modern landscape. Many committed relationships strain and break under the burden of meeting the hopes and dreams of what we imagine to be love. </p>
<p>Are the intimate and dating relationships of recent generations making more of what we traditionally understand as love, or are they creating something different, something new?</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-mars-how-people-choose-partners-is-surprisingly-similar-but-depends-on-age-161081">Men are from Mars, women are from... Mars? How people choose partners is surprisingly similar (but depends on age)</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Researching love</h2>
<p>Such questions are explored in <a href="https://www.allenandunwin.com/browse/books/general-books/health-fitness/Heartland-Jennifer-Pinkerton-9781760878405">Heartland: What is the future of Modern Love?</a> by Dr Jennifer Pinkerton, a Darwin-based writer, photographer, producer, academic and Gen X-er. </p>
<p>Drawing on extensive research into more than 100 “heart-scapes” of young Australians – from transgender Aboriginal sistagirls in the Tiwi Islands to conservative Catholics living in Sydney – Pinkerton’s findings break new ground in an old landscape. </p>
<p>The complex modern dating world scoped in Heartland reveals a lack of rules, something that brings with it both loss and liberation. </p>
<p>Of course, love’s essential passion and pain remains unchanged across millennia. And some aspects of sexuality that seem new have always existed, albeit with different labels or levels of social acceptance. </p>
<p>“I desire. I crave,” wrote the Ancient Greek poet <a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/sappho">Sappho</a>, whose name is now immortalised in the description of female-only relationships. Shakespeare’s famous sonnet that begins “<a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45087/sonnet-18-shall-i-compare-thee-to-a-summers-day">Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?</a>” was penned to another man. </p>
<p>Pinkerton shows the “who” is not what makes love complicated today. Millennial and Gen Z attitudes are inclusive to the point of being perplexed as to why a fuss was made (and for so long) about who can love whom. </p>
<p>It is the why, how, what, when and where that are currently making dating and relationships difficult – particularly post-pandemic – despite the ease of speedy internet access to potential partners.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462198/original/file-20220510-12-u8mp23.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">There are ‘lots (and lots) of labels’.</span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>There are also lots (and lots) of labels. They go beyond LGBTQ+. There’s sistagirl (an Aboriginal <a href="https://theconversation.com/supporting-trans-people-3-simple-things-teachers-and-researchers-can-do-149832">transgender</a> person). Vanilla (people who don’t do kink). There’s pansexual (someone who is attracted to all gender types: male, female, trans, non-binary); demipansexual (someone who seeks a deep connection); polyamory (multiple lovers) and more. Much more. </p>
<p>Without such labels, explains demipansexual Aggie (29), she couldn’t explore sexuality, her gender, or even polyamory itself. “These words describe things to other people and describe things you haven’t experienced before.” </p>
<p>The labels also function as an age dividing line. It’s a “generation thing”, says Aggie. There’s even a 14-year-old who identifies as “non-binary goth, demiromantic pansexual” who asks her Gen X aunt how she identifies. “I love who I love,” her bemused aunt replies.</p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/from-ghosting-to-backburner-relationships-the-reasons-people-behave-so-badly-on-dating-apps-179600">From ghosting to 'backburner' relationships: the reasons people behave so badly on dating apps</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Love, romance and liberation</h2>
<p>Yet as the interviews in Heartland reveal, it is impossible to generalise within (or about) any age group. While some find labels liberating, others shun them. And some shun dating altogether. </p>
<p>According to Pinkerton, many young people have stopped dating – and some never start. Some look askance at apps and some have tired of them. Others are simply tired of it all: Pinkerton describes them as an “army of disappointeds”. </p>
<p>One “disappointed” is Saxon (23, straight), who has spent hours chatting with potential matches, yet never met up with any of them – almost as if <a href="https://theconversation.com/tinder-fails-to-protect-women-from-abuse-but-when-we-brush-off-dick-pics-as-a-laugh-so-do-we-147909">Tinder</a> were a computer game.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="woman in bed looking at phone and smiling" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462207/original/file-20220510-12-3avq0w.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=502&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Some young people don’t like using dating apps; others are tired of them.</span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>For Charlotte (22), there are hook-ups and there are dates. “There’s a big difference between dating and hook-ups for me. I agonise and stress over dates.” </p>
<p>By contrast, art student Stump (30) wants friendship with extras. “To be friends and fuck and be able to talk about shit and have that cordial thing going on.”</p>
<p>“I don’t care what they do, as long as they have a job,” says Lisa (27): “He needs to have life goals.” Her friend Kaylee (25) agrees. “If they can pay half the bills, I’m happy.”</p>
<p>Yet love and romance aren’t out of the equation. “I thought it would be more liberating to sleep with someone else than it was,” says 19-year-old law student Kami. “I suppose it didn’t feel great because there was no romantic connection.” </p>
<p>We meet Ryan (25), a shy security guard, who is reading Erich Fromm’s classic <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/14142.The_Art_of_Loving">The Art of Loving</a>. He is not alone in wanting to learn how to love. Pinkerton notes that many under-40s read love and sex texts, including Gary Chapman’s popular <a href="https://www.5lovelanguages.com/store/the-5-love-languages">The Five Love Languages</a>. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-3-ways-philosophy-can-help-us-understand-love-155374">Friday essay: 3 ways philosophy can help us understand love</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<h2>Holy connection</h2>
<p>Pinkerton sees the experiences and concerns of millennials and Gen-Z as shaping a new approach to modern love. Genuine love, she writes, demands courage, and extends beyond the narrow confines of the couple. It’s about much more than romance. </p>
<p>Pinkerton noted her surprise at how often, for example, millennials would end conversations to friends with “I love you”. At first, she thought it was a bit intense, but she soon discovered the importance young people place on their friendships is the key to what they consider holy: connection.</p>
<figure class="align-left zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="woman smiling, looking down" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=608&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=608&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=608&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=764&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=764&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/462201/original/file-20220510-12-dgjg6f.jpeg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=764&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Author and researcher Jennifer Pinkerton.</span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Pinkerton’s reflections on the complexities of committed relationships are embedded in the context of her own story, which she willingly shares. While from a different generation, Pinkerton has experienced the anxiety of online communication (she particularly regrets sending a rather embarrassing haiku). </p>
<p>But it is the heartbreak of her own relationship breakdown with the father of her newborn son, and the loss of her mother, interwoven with the interviews, that contextualises and humanises the book. Heartland is not cold case research: it’s a genuine search for understanding, of self and others.</p>
<p>There is also a sense of authentic place evoked in Heartland: the “thick Red Centre heat that lifts off the road in ribbons and sends chalky-pink galahs hurtling from the sky.” Pinkerton identifies generational trends in dating and relationships that are by no means unique to Australia, but imbues them with a uniquely Australian sensibility. You can feel the heat as she writes about the Top End, a landscape clearly in her heart. </p>
<p>Heat – or rather, too much of it - is also an anxiety-provoking and distressing concern for Pinkerton’s millennials and <a href="https://theconversation.com/new-research-shows-australian-teens-have-complex-views-on-religion-and-spirituality-103233">Gen Z</a> interviewees. </p>
<p>Take the usual stressors of young life and add the thought, “Maybe the planet is going to burn, and we’ll have nowhere to live”, says Helen Berry, Honorary Professor of Climate Change and Mental Health at the University of Sydney. Add dating, love, romance […] it can become too difficult to contemplate connection, in the face of so much potential risk and loss. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/love-academically-why-scholarly-hearts-are-beating-for-love-studies-104697">Love, Academically. Why scholarly hearts are beating for Love Studies</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>Heartland takes love seriously, as a subject worthy of research – at a time when interdisciplinary research about love is growing. In the School of Arts and Humanities at Edith Cowan University, the new Love Studies network includes academics from every discipline. Mapping the field, we have discovered a diversity of research about love with multidisciplinary connections that are often surprising, ranging from popular <a href="https://theconversation.com/to-the-mattresses-a-defence-of-romance-fiction-72587">romance</a> studies to criminology, sexology and peace studies. </p>
<p>There is also a new Australian cross-university initiative, <a href="https://www.jcu.edu.au/this-is-uni/health-and-medicine/articles/exploring-the-heart-of-the-matter">The Heart of the Matter Health Humanities Project</a>, which aims to </p>
<blockquote>
<p>deepen our understanding of the heart and improve human well-being through fostering dialogue and innovation across the fields of health, medicine, engineering, philosophy, literary studies and the humanities.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>The initiative brings together academics and scholarship from across the country to explore the intersections between medical understandings of the heart, the role of the humanities, and the heart as a symbol and vehicle of emotion, from research on artificial hearts to <a href="https://theconversation.com/bloody-hunting-slaughtermen-sieges-and-lechery-what-does-shakespeare-tell-us-of-war-181474">Shakespeare</a>.</p>
<p>Heartland maps both the agonies and ecstasies of today’s relationships. “Among millennials and Gen Zs there’s a fluidity to life and love, and an openness to testing out alternative options,” Pinkerton concludes. “Sure, this can add to the anxiety load. Equally, it might just create more rewarding sex and love.” Labels may change, yet the search for love remains. A heavy weight, worth carrying.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/182226/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Elizabeth Reid Boyd does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>New research suggests that for millennials and Generation Z, a lack of rules around love and dating brings both loss and liberation.Elizabeth Reid Boyd, Senior Lecturer School of Arts and Humanities, Edith Cowan UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1769842022-05-11T01:29:11Z2022-05-11T01:29:11ZDo those viral ‘36 questions’ actually lead to finding love?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/455699/original/file-20220401-21-s63db.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C5751%2C3828&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>The “36 questions of love” have taken the dating world by storm. </p>
<p>First published in <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167297234003">1997</a> as part of scientific research into relationships, the 36 questions of love gained global popularity through Mandy Len Catron’s viral 2015 New York Times essay “<a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/how-fall-love-anyone">To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This</a>”. </p>
<p>In that essay, she outlines how she used the 36 questions with a university acquaintance on a casual night out. The result was the two fell in love, not dissimilar to two research participants who took part in the study back in 1997. </p>
<p>In the publishing of that essay, a phenomenon was born. Social media, <a href="https://dare2date.com.au/are-there-36-questions-to-ask-fall-in-love/">dating websites</a>, dating coaches and bloggers were posting, writing or discussing the 36 questions of love – often framing these questions as a surefire method to find love – backed by science. </p>
<p>As people attempted the 36 questions of love during dates, it became clear the 36 questions typically did not result in people falling in love.</p>
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<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/have-you-found-the-one-how-mindsets-about-destiny-affect-our-romantic-relationships-117177">Have you found 'the one'? How mindsets about destiny affect our romantic relationships</a>
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<h2>What are the 36 questions?</h2>
<p>The <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html">36 questions</a> are three sets of 12 questions. Each set is designed to increase the amount of information a person discloses about themselves to a stranger. </p>
<p>Not only does each set of questions increase the amount each person must disclose, but within each set, the questions increase the level of disclosure as they progress.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Couple on a first date laughing at the table over coffees." src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455710/original/file-20220401-21-cypk56.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">The 36 questions have become a common feature of the dating scene.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
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<p>For example, one question in the first set includes “For what in your life do you feel most grateful?” The second set includes questions such as “What is your most treasured memory?” </p>
<p>The final set, which requires the greatest disclosure, includes questions such as “When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?”.</p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/bridgerton-offers-clever-relationship-advice-why-friendship-is-the-foundation-of-happy-romantic-partnerships-152953">Bridgerton offers clever relationship advice — why friendship is the foundation of happy romantic partnerships</a>
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<h2>Are the 36 questions a scientific hoax?</h2>
<p>To answer this, one needs to go back to the original paper published by well-known relationships researcher <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167297234003">Arthur Aron and colleagues</a>. </p>
<p>The research aim was to determine if progressively increasing disclosure increases closeness between two strangers. The research was not designed to test whether the questions lead to love. </p>
<p>Across three studies, Aron and colleagues found support for the idea that a gradual increase in disclosure between strangers is related to an increase in closeness immediately after the experiment. </p>
<p>The original research never measured whether people developed feelings of love directly after the experiment or in the future. However, the final study did a brief follow-up with most matched pairs of participants. </p>
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<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-love-139212">What is love?</a>
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<p>Seven weeks after participating in the study, it was found 57% of the matched pairs had a follow-up conversation, 35% did something together (no more details were provided), and 37% went on to sit together in class. But again, none of these findings have anything to do with people finding love and going on to have a long-term relationship. </p>
<p>If indeed the 36 questions helped Mandy Len Canton find love, that is a positive thing. However, for the dating world to generalise about the love-generating properties of the 36 questions on the basis of one popularised case speaks to how pop culture can heavily misconstrue science.</p>
<h2>What does actually lead to love?</h2>
<p>Those of us who study how people fall in love and what makes for a lasting relationship know there are many ingredients that go into making a relationship work.</p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Two women smiling and hugging" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/455711/original/file-20220401-12-uq8imy.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">There are many ingredients required for love to form.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span>
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<p>Some of these include: </p>
<ul>
<li><p>the importance people place on what they want in the ideal partner</p></li>
<li><p>people’s similarities and differences</p></li>
<li><p>people’s history of past relationships</p></li>
<li><p>styles of dealing with conflict</p></li>
<li><p>ability to support and respond to a partner in stressful times</p></li>
<li><p>the alignment of partners’ beliefs, values and goals</p></li>
<li><p>each person’s level of commitment and the ability to regulate emotions </p></li>
</ul>
<p>(and these are just some of the factors). </p>
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<em>
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Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/there-are-six-styles-of-love-which-one-best-describes-you-72664">There are six styles of love. Which one best describes you?</a>
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<h2>What should we take away from the 36 questions?</h2>
<p>The point of the research conducted by Aron and his colleagues is self-disclosure and enhancing closeness are two factors that matter within the larger scheme of factors.</p>
<p>The other important point is the 36 questions provide a structured way to engage in self-disclosure. </p>
<p><a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-08145-022">Research</a> has shown relationships can falter when people disclose too much about themselves early on in the dating process. </p>
<p>When people do not know each other well, it can be overwhelming for a person to hear very intimate and personal details about another. They may not know how to respond to the disclosure, or feel uncomfortable themselves. This can result in the person who disclosed coming away from the interaction feeling invalidated and vulnerable. </p>
<p>On the other hand, when a person feels their partner responds to their disclosures and vulnerabilities, relationship intimacy is <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.74.5.1238">enhanced</a>. </p>
<p>But it is a high bar to set early in a relationship to expect a partner to respond appropriately to another who discloses highly personal information about oneself. Generally speaking, over-disclosure in the early stages of relationships can be problematic, especially for those who are <a href="https://www.elsevier.com/books/adult-attachment/gillath/978-0-12-420020-3">anxious about their relationships</a>. </p>
<p>So taking a gradual and measured approach to self-disclosure and ensuring each partner has the opportunity to disclose at a comfortable pace is very important.</p>
<p>The 36 questions are unlikely to be a “surefire” way to find love, but they can help people understand the importance of taking a gradual approach to self-disclosure. Finding love doesn’t have to be a race.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/176984/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Gery Karantzas receives funding from the Australian Research Council, he is also the founder of relationshipscienceonline.com</span></em></p>You’ve probably heard about those ‘36 questions to find love’. Where did they actually come from and do they work?Gery Karantzas, Associate professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science, Deakin UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.