tag:theconversation.com,2011:/us/topics/involved-fathers-35540/articlesInvolved fathers – The Conversation2021-06-15T13:42:25Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1596012021-06-15T13:42:25Z2021-06-15T13:42:25ZJoe Biden, a father’s love and the legacy of ‘daddy issues’ among presidents<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/402146/original/file-20210521-15-v1tw5r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=0%2C0%2C3000%2C2025&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Joe Biden, right, and his son Beau had a strong relationship until Beau's death in 2015.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/democratic-vice-presidential-nominee-joe-biden-and-his-son-news-photo/1229510929">Paul J. Richards/AFP via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>President Joe Biden often talks about the close relationship he had with his father and how this influenced him growing up as “<a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/21/politics/scranton-street-name-biden-trnd/index.html">the scrappy kid from Scranton</a>,” Pennsylvania. </p>
<p>Biden was born into wealth, the son of a polo-playing yachtsman. But his father, Joe Biden Sr., lost his job after World War II and <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/24/world/americas/24iht-24biden.17216474.html">abused alcohol</a>, struggling financially for years before getting back on his feet and finding middle-class work selling cars near Wilmington, Delaware.</p>
<p>Sunday, June 19, is Father’s Day. Biden’s relationship with his father contrasts with perhaps every president in the last four decades, who had either absent or distant fathers or abusive or alcoholic fathers or stepfathers. </p>
<p><div data-react-class="InstagramEmbed" data-react-props="{"url":"https://www.instagram.com/p/Byxm0d6hTZu","accessToken":"127105130696839|b4b75090c9688d81dfd245afe6052f20"}"></div></p>
<p>“The measure of a man is not how often he is knocked down,” Joe Biden Sr. told his son, “<a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/24/world/americas/24iht-24biden.17216474.html">but how quickly he gets up</a>.”</p>
<p>His father’s support boosted young Joe’s political career, and offered comfort when Joe Jr.’s wife and daughter were killed in a car crash. </p>
<p>On the 2020 presidential campaign trail, Biden remembered his late father’s belief that “there’s no higher calling for a woman or a man than to be a good mother or <a href="https://www.marieclaire.com/politics/a33573986/who-was-joseph-r-biden-sr/">a good father</a>.”</p>
<p>My own father died in August 2020 at age 95. He, too, believed in the calling of fatherhood. My father and mother were there for us. They encouraged us to follow our own dreams and not theirs.</p>
<p>This sort of supportive father-child relationship is common – except perhaps in politics.</p>
<p>Former congressional staffer and political journalist Barron YoungSmith once wrote an article for Slate with the headline, “<a href="https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2012/08/absent-fathers-political-leaders-like-bill-clinton-ronald-reagan-gerald-ford-and-paul-ryan-often-develop-coping-mechanisms-in-childhood-that-may-make-them-effective-leaders.html">Why Do So Many Politicians Have Daddy Issues?</a>” “American politics,” he wrote, “is overflowing with stories of absent fathers, alcoholic fathers, neglectful fathers.”</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="Two men stand on either side of a woman" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=402&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=505&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=505&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401101/original/file-20210517-21-1crp3yn.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=505&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Ronald Reagan stands with his mother, Nelle, and his father, Jack.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/levanrami/41939392555">Levan Ramishvili/Flickr</a></span>
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<h2>Ford, Reagan, Clinton</h2>
<p>Gerald Ford’s father, Leslie Lynch King Sr., was an abusive alcoholic. Ford’s <a href="https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2012/08/absent-fathers-political-leaders-like-bill-clinton-ronald-reagan-gerald-ford-and-paul-ryan-often-develop-coping-mechanisms-in-childhood-that-may-make-them-effective-leaders.html">mother left King</a> 16 days after the future president was born, when her husband threatened her and her infant son with a butcher knife. Ford’s mother married Gerald Rudolff Ford. When he was 22, Ford changed his name from Leslie Lynch King Jr. to Gerald Rudolph Ford. </p>
<p>Jimmy Carter’s father, James Earl Carter Sr., was a <a href="https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/roswell-georgia-remarks-democratic-national-committee-fundraising-reception">high school dropout</a> who encouraged his son to read, a hard worker who urged his son to work hard, and a devoted husband and father. He served in the Georgia Legislature but died during his first term of pancreatic cancer at age 58.</p>
<p>Unlike other presidents, Jimmy Carter did not have to search for his father, who never left. Carter’s upbringing stood in contrast to both Ford, the man who preceded him in the White House, and Reagan, the one who followed him.</p>
<p>YoungSmith wrote that <a href="https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2012/08/absent-fathers-political-leaders-like-bill-clinton-ronald-reagan-gerald-ford-and-paul-ryan-often-develop-coping-mechanisms-in-childhood-that-may-make-them-effective-leaders.html">Ronald Reagan remained haunted</a> by the moment he found “his alcoholic father on the front porch … his hair filled with snow.” Reagan said his father was “drunk, dead to the world.” Reagan, who was then 11, had to drag his father into the house. He spent the rest of life trying to <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/20447160">connect with a man who was not there for him</a>. </p>
<p>Psychologist Robert E. Gilbert said Reagan can be properly understood only as the <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/20447160">child of an alcoholic</a>. “Alcoholic parents leave deep marks on their children’s lives; even after those children become adults,” Gilbert said, adding that Reagan was aloof and distant, <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/20447160">living in a world of make-believe</a> where he craved approval. </p>
<p>Bill Clinton’s biological father, William Jefferson Blythe Jr., died in a car accident before his son was born. Clinton was raised by a stepfather who <a href="https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2012/08/absent-fathers-political-leaders-like-bill-clinton-ronald-reagan-gerald-ford-and-paul-ryan-often-develop-coping-mechanisms-in-childhood-that-may-make-them-effective-leaders.html">was an abusive alcoholic</a> and regularly beat his wife, Clinton’s mother. The beatings stopped after Clinton stood up to his stepfather. </p>
<h2>The Bushes</h2>
<p>George H.W. Bush experienced the burden of having a great man as a father. His father, <a href="https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=-CAiAAAAIBAJ&pg=715%2C1269974">Prescott</a>, was a Wall Street investment banker who became a U.S. senator and an influential leader in the Republican Party. </p>
<p>George H.W. moved to Texas to <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-the-bush-family-rose-to-power-2015-3#the-same-year-his-father-retired-from-the-senate-in-1962-george-took-a-serious-interest-in-politics-and-became-chairman-of-a-local-republican-committee-he-won-a-seat-in-the-us-congress-four-years-later-17">escape his father’s shadow</a>. He then relied on his father’s influential friends to make a fortune in oil before entering politics, where he served as a congressman, ambassador to the United Nations, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, vice president of the United States and then president.</p>
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<span class="caption">George W. Bush, left, and George H.W. Bush, were only the second father-son pair to both become president.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://catalog.archives.gov/id/7431321">Eric Draper, White House Photo Office</a></span>
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<p>G.H.W. Bush’s oldest son, George W., responded to the pressures of having a great man as a father by drinking too much before <a href="https://www.prevention.com/health/a32378580/why-george-w-bush-quit-drinking-alcohol/">quitting drinking</a> and using his father’s influence to help him become governor of Texas and then U.S. president. YoungSmith said that George W. “spent his entire life, including his presidency, careening between attempts to live up to H.W.’s <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/04/us/politics/george-w-bush-family.html%20https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2012/08/absent-fathers-political-leaders-like-bill-clinton-ronald-reagan-gerald-ford-and-paul-ryan-often-develop-coping-mechanisms-in-childhood-that-may-make-them-effective-leaders.html">impossible expectations</a> and efforts to garishly repudiate them.” </p>
<h2>Obama and Trump</h2>
<p>George W. Bush’s failures as president contributed to the election of Barack Obama, the first Black president. Obama’s parents separated when he was two, when his father left Hawaii and returned to his home country of Kenya. The father-son relationship became the basis for his autobiography, “<a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/123909/dreams-from-my-father-by-barack-obama/">Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance</a>,” where he wrote about the difficulty of not having a father around to help him navigate the issues of being a Black man in a white-dominated country.</p>
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<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="A man in a suit and tie poses with his arm around a young boy" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=433&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=433&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=433&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=544&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=544&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/401103/original/file-20210517-15-yg0k2z.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=544&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
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<span class="caption">Barack Obama Sr. with his son, a future U.S. president, in 1971.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/usembassyjakarta/6333308901">U.S. Embassy, Jakarta/Flickr</a></span>
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<p>“It hardly bears recounting that President Obama built his political persona around a <a href="https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2012/08/absent-fathers-political-leaders-like-bill-clinton-ronald-reagan-gerald-ford-and-paul-ryan-often-develop-coping-mechanisms-in-childhood-that-may-make-them-effective-leaders.html">search for his absent dad</a>,” YoungSmith said.</p>
<p>Obama was succeeded as president by Donald Trump, who once said he was “<a href="https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/11/03/mary-macleod-trump-donald-trump-mother-biography-mom-immigrant-scotland-215779">so screwed up</a>, because I had a father that pushed me pretty hard.”</p>
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<span class="caption">Fred Trump Sr. and his son Donald in 1985.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/donald-trump-and-fred-trump-attend-38th-annual-horatio-news-photo/621645840">Ron Galella/Ron Galella Collection via Getty Images</a></span>
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<p>Fred Trump Sr., a real estate magnate, bullied and intimidated one son – Fred Jr., who died of alcoholism when he was 42. Fred rejected another son, Donald, sending him off to military school when he was 12. When Donald returned, Fred <a href="https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/03/2016-donald-trump-brutal-worldview-father-coach-213750">taught his son to be a “killer” in business</a>, that the ends justified the means and that empathy was a sign of weakness.</p>
<p>“<a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/06/the-mind-of-donald-trump/480771/">Freddy just wasn’t a killer</a>,” Donald said of his brother.</p>
<p>Mary Trump, a clinical psychologist who was the daughter of Fred Trump Jr., said this lack of empathy prevented her uncle, Donald Trump, from acknowledging human suffering, including the widespread death associated with the coronavirus pandemic. </p>
<p>“Acknowledging the victims of COVID-19 would be to associate himself with their weakness, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/28/us/politics/donald-fred-trump.html">a trait his father taught him to despise</a>,” Mary Trump wrote.</p>
<p>Biden, by contrast, talked openly on the 2020 campaign trial about his love for his father and about his own <a href="https://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/former-vice-president-joe-biden-on-losing-his-son-beau">grieving over the death of his son, Beau</a>, who died from brain cancer in 2015. In doing so, he made a very human and relatable connection between his own father, himself, and his own approach to fatherhood.</p>
<p>[<em>Like what you’ve read? Want more?</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters/the-daily-3?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=likethis">Sign up for The Conversation’s daily newsletter</a>.]</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/159601/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Chris Lamb does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Biden’s relationship with his father contrasts with perhaps every president in the last four decades, who either had absent or distant fathers or abusive or alcoholic fathers or stepfathers.Chris Lamb, Professor of Journalism, IUPUILicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1001502018-08-09T10:40:34Z2018-08-09T10:40:34ZHow new fathers use social media to make sense of their roles<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/230965/original/file-20180807-191044-1whaseo.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">What dads do online helps them navigate gender roles as society changes.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/father-on-laptop-holds-newborn-son-627677957">Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock.com</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/los-padres-primerizos-usan-las-redes-sociales-para-entender-su-nuevo-papel-101349">Leer en español</a></em>.</p>
<p>A <a href="https://twitter.com/LADadsGroup/status/1006013346636861441">lawyer in Bermuda became internet-famous</a> for <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/dad-daughter-ballet-dance-video-stage-bermuda-marc-daniels-a8389806.html">dancing ballet alongside his two-year-old daughter</a>, comforting her stage fright by being there and doing the dance moves right with her. He knew the part because he had practiced ballet with his children before – and said it was just a <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/dad-daughter-ballet-dance-video-stage-bermuda-marc-daniels-a8389806.html">normal part of fathering daughters</a>.</p>
<p>That isn’t a common sentiment about fatherhood, even now. But <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/06/05/growing-number-of-dads-home-with-the-kids/">social norms have been changing</a> <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/06/05/growing-number-of-dads-home-with-the-kids/">over the past 40 years</a>, as more women – and mothers – have entered the workforce. While mothers still do more work at home, <a href="http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/06/13/fathers-day-facts/">the burden is becoming more equal</a>. However, the concept of father-as-breadwinner is still stronger than ideals of fathers as nurturers. As a result, fathers often <a href="https://melmagazine.com/for-stay-at-home-dads-the-playground-is-as-clique-y-as-high-school-7e29271c2858">find themselves out of place</a> at parks, malls and other areas frequented by mothers and children. The same problem happens when they visit most parenting forums online.</p>
<p><a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=-6c1edsAAAAJ&hl=en">My research</a> focuses on understanding how modern fathers find and use online communities of men in similar situations, as they all try to make sense of their own parenting identities. By interviewing fathers and using big data analysis, my co-author and I found that fathers <a href="https://doi.org/10.1145/2702123.2702205">seek information and support online</a>, use more anonymous social media sites like <a href="https://doi.org/10.1145/3173574.3174063">Reddit to discuss sensitive issues</a> such as divorce and child custody conflicts, and blog about do-it-yourself projects as a way of <a href="http://www-personal.umich.edu/%7Etawfiqam/Ammari_CraftingFatherHood_CSCW17.pdf">legitimizing their childcare and domestic work</a> as masculine labor.</p>
<h2>Fathers look for community online</h2>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1145/2702123.2702325">Analyzing 102 interviews</a>, a <a href="http://socialmedia.si.umich.edu/">team of us</a> found that fathers are active on social media, including posting photos about their children’s milestones, such as walking or crawling, and pictures of activities like dancing and baseball. But fathers are less involved than mothers in managing online sharing of child-related content. We found that <a href="http://time.com/3758085/third-shift-social-media">moms were fielding the questions and making the decisions</a> about whether Grandma could share a picture with the baby on her Facebook wall or if friends could share photos of the child’s birthday party.</p>
<p>I and others have also found most fathers reluctant to share family content with social networks that include colleagues and managers. Mothers felt fewer such constraints, even when their social media accounts also included professional contacts.</p>
<p>In private Facebook groups, though, fathers are willing to discuss their parenting experiences – whether they are small local groups, private chats or even <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/lifeofdaddadsonly/">groups with thousands of members</a>. In these groups, dads gain social support and seek advice, especially from older fathers who have experienced similar problems. Fathers told me that Facebook group discussions ranged from daily parenting experiences like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1exjkyw81yw">diaper changing</a> to more serious <a href="https://theconversation.com/have-children-heres-how-kids-ruin-your-romantic-relationship-57944">issues around marital problems</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/postpartum-depression-can-affect-dads-and-their-hormones-may-be-to-blame-81310">especially for new parents</a>. </p>
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<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/1exjkyw81yw?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">Some dads make online videos about their experiences.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Reddit as a haven</h2>
<p>In contrast, some fathers were reluctant to discuss more personal issues – like divorce and custody – on Facebook, where posts are labeled with their names. Instead, they felt safer using other online names on sites like Reddit, where it was harder for people to associate their posts with their actual identity. When posting under pseudonyms, fathers were willing to share deeply personal details beyond what’s usually appropriate on Facebook. </p>
<p>My collaborators and I analyzed how fathers use Reddit by studying <a href="https://doi.org/10.1145/3173574.3174063">about 2 million parenting comments</a>. We focused on three parenting forums, including <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/">r/Daddit</a>, a subreddit for “Dads. Single Dads, new Dads, Step-Dads, tall Dads, short Dads, and any other kind of Dad.” </p>
<p>When fathers discussed divorce and custody issues on Reddit, they covered topics as diverse as venting about their plight in family court and detailed legal questions about their cases. Fathers also discussed controversial issues like vaccination and circumcision. One father suggested in an interview that Reddit is a “peaceful place to post an opinion” because he did not have to deal with reactions from friends, colleagues and family members. </p>
<h2>The DIY dad</h2>
<p>When I started talking to fathers about their use of social media sites, I did not set out to ask about do-it-yourself projects, but the theme emerged from the interviews. In one project, I supplemented interviews with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1145/2702123.2702205">visual and rhetorical analyses of father blogs</a>, finding that fathers blog about their DIY projects and tie that work into their fatherhood experiences and their domestic roles. They engaged their children in projects like retiling bathrooms, teaching useful skills while also carving out quality father-child time. Blogging about these projects gave these fathers a way to describe how they could be <a href="http://www-personal.umich.edu/%7Etawfiqam/Ammari_CraftingFatherHood_CSCW17.pdf">both caretakers and providers at the same time</a>.</p>
<p>Notably, fathers used DIY language to describe work traditionally considered feminine. For example, fathers blogged about <a href="https://www.lunchboxdad.com">preparing lunchboxes</a> and craft work like <a href="http://www.dadncharge.com/2015/07/a-true-art-attack.html">creating children’s toys from recycled trash</a>. When working on traditionally feminine domestic work like cooking, fathers emphasized that they were not only cooking but “<a href="https://www.manmadediy.com/">hacking the kitchen</a>,” imbuing daily tasks with more masculine <a href="http://treplifedad.com/about/">entrepreneurial language</a>.</p>
<p>Fathers today face the paired challenges of shifting domestic pressures in dual-earner families and lagging social preconceptions of dads as breadwinners and mere helpers for mothers. Through my research, I am shedding light on the ways that fathers can find support and guidance on social media, and I hope to promote involvement and inclusion among men in their roles and responsibilities as fathers. </p>
<p>[<em>Deep knowledge, daily.</em> <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/newsletters?utm_source=TCUS&utm_medium=inline-link&utm_campaign=newsletter-text&utm_content=deepknowledge">Sign up for The Conversation’s newsletter</a>.]</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/100150/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Tawfiq Ammari is a PhD candidate at the University of Michigan School of Information. He is funded in part by a gift from Mozilla. Previously he was an intern at Mozilla and at Microsoft Research.</span></em></p>The tasks of fatherhood are changing, but society’s expectations haven’t caught up. Many dads use online discussion groups, blogs and videos to explore their new identities.Tawfiq Ammari, Ph.D. Candidate in Information, University of MichiganLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/806342017-07-11T01:10:24Z2017-07-11T01:10:24ZHow daughters can repair a damaged relationship with their divorced dad<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/177612/original/file-20170710-1385-p0vx9i.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">How can dads and daughters reconnect after a divorce?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/swedish-father-daughter-sitting-on-sofa-415425583?src=5ITu_18U2wn4gBYurQD_lw-1-34">Marie Linner/Shutterstock.com</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>In a 2002 study involving nearly 2,500 children, researchers found that <a href="http://books.wwnorton.com/books/For-Better-or-For-Worse/">daughters’ relationships with their fathers were more damaged</a> than sons’. What’s more, estranged daughters are more likely than estranged sons to suffer <a href="http://www.resolution-services.com/images/Divorced_Fathers_and_Their_Daughters_-_A_Review_of_Recent_Research.pdf#page=3">negative effects</a> from the damaged relationship.</p>
<p>If you’re like <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Father-Daughter-Relationships-Contemporary-Research-and-Issues/Nielsen/p/book/9781848729346">most daughters with divorced parents</a>, you probably feel as though your parents’ divorce damaged your relationship with your father, there are things you want to ask him about the divorce but haven’t or you want to contact him but just don’t know what to say or do.</p>
<p>As a professor, researcher and writer, <a href="http://users.wfu.edu/nielsen/">I’ve studied father-daughter relationships extensively</a>. Having taught and advised young adult daughters for more than 30 years, I’ve seen how difficult it can be for estranged daughters to reconnect with their divorced dads.</p>
<p>So how can you repair the damage or strengthen an uncomfortable relationship?</p>
<p>Here is <a href="http://www.turnerpublishing.com/books/detail/between-fathers-and-daughters">what I’ve learned</a> that has helped almost every daughter I’ve worked with to renew, repair and reconnect with her father – even those who haven’t spoken to their fathers for years.</p>
<h2>Obstacles divorced dads face</h2>
<p>If you were a child at the time your parents divorced, you probably were unaware of a lot of the obstacles your dad was up against in trying to maintain a close relationship with you. In fact, in a 2002 survey of 72 family lawyers, 60 percent agreed that the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2002.00325.x">legal system is biased against fathers</a>.</p>
<p>If you want to repair your relationship with your dad, try traveling back in time, putting aside how you felt, and imagining yourself in your father’s place.</p>
<p>Now that you’re older and more mature, it’s time to ask yourself: How could my relationship with my father have been better if my mother, my teachers and the legal system had all actively worked to keep him involved in my life and to make him feel welcomed and appreciated? Considering what he probably went through, can I be more compassionate and forgiving?</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/177597/original/file-20170710-5963-1rmsf3y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/177597/original/file-20170710-5963-1rmsf3y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=444&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177597/original/file-20170710-5963-1rmsf3y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=444&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177597/original/file-20170710-5963-1rmsf3y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=444&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177597/original/file-20170710-5963-1rmsf3y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=558&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177597/original/file-20170710-5963-1rmsf3y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=558&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177597/original/file-20170710-5963-1rmsf3y.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=558&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Deadbeat dads like Jeffery Nichols – who was jailed in 1995 after racking up more than US$640,000 in unpaid child support – have given fathers in custody battles a bad name.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="http://www.apimages.com/metadata/Index/AP-A-NY-NY110-PM-FILE-DEADBEAT-DAD/e75e06efc7e0da11af9f0014c2589dfb/5/0">AP Photo/Joe Tabacca</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Misconceptions about divorced dads</h2>
<p>Americans have developed a lot of <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J087v31n03_08">ideas about divorced fathers</a>. These ideas can influence what we think of friends, family members and co-workers. They can also affect the relationship that daughters have with their divorced dads.</p>
<p>What did you think about these stereotypes before your parents separated? After? Reexamine your own beliefs about divorced fathers and consider how they might have negatively affected your relationship with your dad.</p>
<p>How many stereotypes about divorced dads do you think are true? The more negative assumptions you make about divorced men, the <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J087v31n03_08">more difficult it is</a> for you and your dad to stay bonded.</p>
<h2>Mom’s influence</h2>
<p>Even though she may never come right out and say negative things to you about your dad, your mother can still give you <a href="http://www.resolution-services.com/images/Divorced_Fathers_and_Their_Daughters_-_A_Review_of_Recent_Research.pdf#page=6">a negative impression</a> of him in other ways – the expressions on her face, her tone of voice, the way she acts after she’s talked to him or when you’re going to spend time with him.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, this happens to <a href="https://www.routledge.com/Father-Daughter-Relationships-Contemporary-Research-and-Issues/Nielsen/p/book/9781848729346">millions of daughters</a> – especially when dad has remarried but mom is still single.</p>
<p>The more often your mother implied that your father was to blame or is an inferior person/parent, the more difficult it can be for you to have an open mind when it comes to dad.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/177613/original/file-20170710-25758-151g764.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/177613/original/file-20170710-25758-151g764.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177613/original/file-20170710-25758-151g764.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177613/original/file-20170710-25758-151g764.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177613/original/file-20170710-25758-151g764.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177613/original/file-20170710-25758-151g764.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177613/original/file-20170710-25758-151g764.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Mothers can give their daughters negative impressions of their divorced dads – sometimes without even trying.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/happy-mother-teenage-daughter-resting-park-668709043?src=G2EMRUcvv5LCwuFqEyEJDQ-1-47">Ganna Martsheva/Shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Why are you afraid?</h2>
<p>I’ve found that the best way to reconsider your impressions of your father is to reach out to him and hear about his perspectives, feelings and experiences. After all, if your mother was awarded custody, she likely had ample opportunity to share her feelings and experiences with you. Why would you deny your dad the same opportunity?</p>
<p>Most daughters tell me that the reason they haven’t contacted their father or the reason they won’t talk to him about certain divorce-related issues is that they’re afraid.</p>
<p>What are you afraid of? Angering your mother? Being rejected? How likely is it those fears would come true? If they did, would you feel worse than you do now with a strained or uncomfortable relationship with your dad?</p>
<p><iframe id="6HkfM" class="tc-infographic-datawrapper" src="https://datawrapper.dwcdn.net/6HkfM/2/" height="400px" width="100%" style="border: none" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<p>In answering these questions, you might find that your fears are exaggerated and are unlikely to occur. You might also realize that even if the worst did happen, it is not as damaging to you in the long run as never having tried to improve your relationship with your dad.</p>
<h2>Reach out</h2>
<p>If you don’t know what to say to your father because you haven’t seen one another in a long time, try sending him something like this:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Dad, It’s taken me a long time to get up the nerve to write you. I don’t know exactly how to start or what to say, except that I’d like us to be in touch again. I don’t want money and nobody has put me up to writing this. I just want us to have a relationship again. Could we maybe start to write or phone? I’ve enclosed a picture of me. I wish you’d send me one of you. Well, that’s about it for now.</p>
</blockquote>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/177622/original/file-20170710-5970-lc5f07.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/177622/original/file-20170710-5970-lc5f07.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177622/original/file-20170710-5970-lc5f07.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177622/original/file-20170710-5970-lc5f07.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177622/original/file-20170710-5970-lc5f07.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177622/original/file-20170710-5970-lc5f07.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/177622/original/file-20170710-5970-lc5f07.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Gathering the courage to reach out can be an important first step in repairing a father-daughter relationship strained by divorce.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/teenage-girl-wearing-headphones-sitting-on-565381111?src=JRAcfOqwrDpIi3F8vkdlWA-1-13">Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock.com</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Will it be worth it?</h2>
<p>If you decide to follow this advice, will it be worth it? According to <a href="http://www.turnerpublishing.com/books/detail/between-fathers-and-daughters">most of the daughters I’ve worked with</a> over the past decades, yes. Here’s what some of them have to say:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>Amanda: “Problems in my family are never discussed or explained – just ignored. Now, 10 years after my parents’ divorce, because I’m finally asking my dad to tell me about his experiences, I’m learning what led to the breakup of our family. And I’ve found the father who had been taken away from me.”</p>
<p>Pam: “He said that the saddest experience of his life was losing me after the divorce. He said it again and again. I had no idea what an impact I’d had on him. I realize that he and I have wanted the same thing from each other all these years. But we never knew because we didn’t talk honestly enough.”</p>
<p>Lynn: “It had been 5 years since I’d seen my dad. I never thought I’d get any response if I tried to contact him. When I sent him the letter, he immediately emailed back. I’m constantly amazed at his willingness to spend time with me now. He said my contacting him was the best gift I had ever given him. I always had this vision of him as some opinionated, overbearing, stubborn tyrant. I never thought he would admit his mistakes, as he has done. I feel loved.”</p>
</blockquote>
<p>These are just a handful of the hundreds of positive responses I’ve heard over the last 30 years. Though not all fathers and daughters face damaged relationships, for those who do, the effort to repair those relationships is well worth it.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/80634/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Linda Nielsen does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Daughters across the US feel like their relationship with their father was damaged by their parents’ divorce. Here are steps daughters can take to repair that relationship.Linda Nielsen, Professor of Education, Wake Forest UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/729072017-06-16T09:28:22Z2017-06-16T09:28:22ZRules of ‘how to be a dad’ are changing as gender roles continue to blur<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/173988/original/file-20170615-11162-1xxfssh.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Should I stay or should I go? More and more dads are staying at home.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-vector/stay-home-dad-baby-sling-vacuuming-310059998">Aleutie/shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>These days, the idea of the hard-working, emotionally distant and frequently absent father figure seems like a caricature from the past. During the past few decades, the discussion has moved beyond the father as only the breadwinner to encompass other styles of fathering variously described as “new”, “involved”, “active” or “engaged” fathers. </p>
<p>These changes are due in part to the influx of women to the workforce and the <a href="https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Constructing_Fatherhood.html?id=ksKLYuk5kDQC&redir_esc=y">rise of dual-earner families</a>. But there has also been a shift in expectations that a “good” father plays an active role in the family in terms of sharing the responsibilities of caring and decision-making. The beneficial effects of good fathering on children’s welfare <a href="http://eu.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0471690430.html">are well-established</a>.</p>
<p>But despite this change, there is evidence that the image of the traditional nurturing mother as the primary caregiver is still <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0957926506063126">commonplace throughout all aspects of parenting education and literature</a>. In fact work-family policies continue to reflect the gendered binary of <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1097184X01004001001">caregiving women and working men</a>.</p>
<p>In recent years, more attention has been paid to practical ways in which to support fathers. For example, <a href="https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/overview">paid paternity leave of two weeks</a> was introduced in the UK in April 2003. In April 2015, this was enhanced with the introduction of <a href="https://www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/overview">shared parental leave</a>, which means that when the mother ends her maternity leave and returns to work, the remaining period of up to 52 weeks can be used by the father or other partner. </p>
<p>In practice, reports suggest that the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/money/2017/apr/05/few-fathers-can-afford-to-take-shared-parental-leave-say-campaigners">take-up of shared parental leave by fathers or other partners has been very low</a>, for reasons ranging from a lack of awareness of the scheme to the fact that for many families it is not affordable for earning fathers to take up the time off available and receive <a href="https://www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/what-youll-get">only £140.98 a week statutory shared parental pay</a>.</p>
<h2>The costs of parenting</h2>
<p>The fact is that the UK is considerably behind some other countries with respect to father-friendly policies – both Sweden and Norway have maternal and paternal quotas, a shared leave period and high rates of statutory parental pay.</p>
<p>Given its recent introduction there is little research on shared leave in the UK. What has been identified is the growth of competing models of masculinity and what it means to be a man today – and how they intersect with the responsibilities of caring.</p>
<p>One way that we can examine this is to study fathers who take on the primary caregiving role in their families. These “stay-at-home dads” were something of a rarity until the global recession ten years ago – or “<a href="https://www.stlouisfed.org/publications/regional-economist/october-2009/the-mancession-of-20082009-its-big-but-its-not-great">mancession</a>” as some called it – where redundancies meant that more men took on the role of full-time parent in their families. The UK Office for National Statistics <a href="https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/adhocs/familieswithdependentchildrenbynumberofchildrenuk1996to2014">reported in 2016</a> that 225,000 UK fathers were “economically inactive” due to family responsibilities.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/174029/original/file-20170615-23537-1bwdo6r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/174029/original/file-20170615-23537-1bwdo6r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/174029/original/file-20170615-23537-1bwdo6r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/174029/original/file-20170615-23537-1bwdo6r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=399&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/174029/original/file-20170615-23537-1bwdo6r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/174029/original/file-20170615-23537-1bwdo6r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/174029/original/file-20170615-23537-1bwdo6r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=501&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Full-time caring dads are blazing a trial of different masculinity.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/happy-dad-son-making-healthy-food-195763775?src=2--NNo4XUq_3oRSDpQw3WQ-1-1">Daxiao Productions/Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Making sense of stay-at-home masculinity</h2>
<p>There has been some limited research on stay-at-home dads. Beginning with the work of <a href="http://www.mensstudies.info/OJS/index.php/FATHERING/article/view/221">Andrea Doucet</a> in Canada, this line of research <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2043820617691632">has been taken up by researchers in the UK</a>. I have examined the way these fathers are represented in the media and gathered accounts from the fathers themselves. What becomes apparent is that masculinity and markers of masculinity are bound up in <a href="https://bradscholars.brad.ac.uk/handle/10454/7766">the way stay-at-home fathers are represented in the media</a>. </p>
<p>For example, to explain the role of stay-at-home dads <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/stand-tall-stay-at-home-dads-wave-your-dish-mops-with-pride-ns6phf0rlwp">some writers invoke different models of masculinity</a>, while others <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-467390/Househusband-backlash-high-flying-wives-ditch-men-em-em-wanted-stay-home.html">offer cautionary tales</a> and others still put across the idea that such fathers <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2683941/The-stay-home-dad-says-lost-dignity-childrens-respect-GRANT-FELLER-used-charge-million-pound-budget-balances-household-bills-family-not-impressed.html">had not taken on the role through choice</a>, but had it thrust upon them. </p>
<p>In contrast to such negative accounts, what became apparent when speaking to stay-at-home dads is that a desire to care for their children on a full-time basis became a large part of their identities. This led them to experience less of a conceptual struggle when trying to process and integrate their role as caregivers with a traditional sense of masculinity. This fits with contemporary research which suggests that there are <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1097184X06291899">many competing ideas of masculinity at play</a>, rather than a single hegemonic masculine ideal most commonly represented in the stereotypical hard-working, bread-winning father. We see this more widely in the <a href="http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13668803.2016.1252722?needAccess=true&journalCode=ccwf20">ways that fathers combine caregiving with paid work</a>.</p>
<p>While we can see that fathers are more open about their need to be involved and care for their children, those that choose to do it on a full-time basis remain a rarity. Reports such as the <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-24016988">study</a> which claimed to find that men “with smaller testicles were more likely to be involved with nappy changing, feeding and bath time” indicates that society’s preoccupation with masculinity and caregiving still has some way to go.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72907/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Abigail Locke receives funding from the Nationwide Children's Research Centre (NCRC), the Economic and Social Research Council (ESRC) and the British Academy.</span></em></p>The last recession put more men in the position of full-time child carers. How are they coping?Abigail Locke, Professor in Psychology, University of BradfordLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/720262017-02-03T02:05:54Z2017-02-03T02:05:54ZDads are more involved in parenting, yes, but moms still put in more work<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155374/original/image-20170202-1685-1ehfwc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">Is there equality in parenting?</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/kjd/2188617394/in/photolist-4kpeGE-4m6FEd-qGyxkU-qKLQ1t-hzTWZA-6T9H6u-3czyVT-jvSvJ-jvSkY-pyXiv-jvTa1-hQmQ42-2UGcj-7jaHoK-4m6FQy-2W9E9X-2dUn9e-nZwwVL-4m2Dwz-4Yedi5-4Y9Xd2-4db9hy-4hh6qh-61cfZq-4Y9Xqn-qRTfs-cW5cNj-5pQCDj-73UGq8-a7SzQo-4Y9Xpg-4m6Ft1-6cJn66-54LuUK-p4p3Pp-jvSon-jvSqR-7YzDyE-5x6FEc-jvSiX-3eAY3V-5qFDDi-4AHGar-4fvaCv-j2Tq4-jvT8m-jvSy4-5x6FKa-CykHP-3ma2AQ">Kim Davies</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>On Jan. 21, in a collective demonstration of historic proportions, <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/01/21/womens-march-aims-start-movement-trump-inauguration/96864158/">millions of women marched</a> in Washington, D.C. and other cities around the world in support of <a href="https://www.womensmarch.com/principles/">key policy issues</a> such as reproductive rights, equal pay for equal work and support for balancing work and family. </p>
<p>These marches demonstrated the empowerment of women and a widespread commitment to ensuring that women’s rights are furthered – and not eroded – by policymakers. But policy is not the only arena that affects women’s freedoms and well-being. </p>
<p>If equality begins at home, how much progress has been made toward equality in parenting?</p>
<p>The day after the march, The <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/22/nyregion/womens-march-montclair-nj.html?_r=1&mtrref=us">New York Times</a> published an article that described a scene in Montclair, New Jersey, showing what happened when women were absent from town. The article narrated how women’s absence resulted in empty yoga classes, Starbucks cafes populated by men and hapless fathers struggling to juggle children’s weekend schedules. </p>
<p>In other words, as its critics pointed out, the article <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/new-york-times-articles-celebrates-fathers-for-parenting_us_588648f2e4b096b4a23381b5">reinforced the outdated notion</a> that mothers are the primary parents and fathers are (at best) mere helpers and incapable of caring for children independently. </p>
<p>My research focuses on the sharing of parenting between mothers and fathers in dual-earner couples – a group that is most likely to hold <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0049089X05000177">gender egalitarian beliefs</a>. In this group, successfully balancing work and family makes some degree of shared parenting necessary.</p>
<p>My research and that of others shows that even though significant progress has been made toward gender equality in parenting, more subtle inequalities remain. Many fathers – even those in the households most likely to have progressive views on parenting – have not achieved equality with mothers in key areas.</p>
<h2>Men’s parenting time has increased, but women’s has too</h2>
<p>It is true that today’s fathers are more involved in parenting children than ever before. Over the past half-century, fathers in America <a href="http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/06/16/fathers-day-facts/">nearly tripled their child care time</a> from 2.5 hours per week in 1965 to seven hours per week in 2011. </p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155379/original/image-20170202-1641-x6su44.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155379/original/image-20170202-1641-x6su44.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155379/original/image-20170202-1641-x6su44.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155379/original/image-20170202-1641-x6su44.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=398&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155379/original/image-20170202-1641-x6su44.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=500&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155379/original/image-20170202-1641-x6su44.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=500&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155379/original/image-20170202-1641-x6su44.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=500&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Parenting time of mothers has increased.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/penumbra/4023143488/in/photolist-78vEoU-9qL2tu-8Fowsq-7jmcUg-5QVyUd-6QoQgB-49z48X-4Kxohf-aJtXma-9qHg9k-8LWjds-9iDKvR-771SfF-9iDLMi-6cT4PV-aLHof-c8kCk-6zuZbh-r1ZbaY-8dVnwB-72zLfW-7XAEpo-4AeCoS-9aVye-pkFZ4-5pjv4Q-59FgxE-7XAEz5-8JWpW3-4N7R7x-4NbYqG-4Nc1LA-7vqs11-4N7N1t-4N7Sja-4N7RTt-4NbYQ7-4NbX7J-4N7QfR-4Nc5Ky-4N7Kwx-4N7NKH-4N7TNa-4N7Rvk-4NbZzC-4Nc4YS-4Nc6vN-4Nc2X3-4RvYXs-69rGYp">Penumbra</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>But, over this period, <a href="http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/06/16/fathers-day-facts/">women’s parenting time too has increased</a> – from 10 hours per week in 1965 to 14 hours per week in 2011. This has resulted in a smaller but persistent gap in the time mothers and fathers spend on parenting.</p>
<p>This gap starts in the earliest months of parenthood. Using detailed daily records of new parents’ activities, my team’s research has shown that working mothers take on a greater share of the child care burden for a new baby than do fathers. In fact, <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4578481/">new mothers allocated twice</a> as much of their available time to routine child care activities than fathers.</p>
<p>When considering time spent in child care plus time spent in housework and working for pay, the birth of a baby increased mothers’ total workload by <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4584401/">21 hours per week</a>. In contrast, fathers’ total workload increased by only 12.5 hours per week. This represents a 70 percent greater increase in workload for women compared to men. </p>
<p>These differences cannot be explained away by differences in paid work hours or breastfeeding. </p>
<h2>Mothers face intense parenting pressure</h2>
<p>So, the question remains, why hasn’t fathers’ greater involvement substituted for mothers’ involvement, thus reducing the parenting burden on women? </p>
<p>What has happened is that middle-class families now follow the norm of “<a href="http://yalebooks.com/book/9780300076523/cultural-contradictions-motherhood">intensive parenting</a>,” which dictates that parenting should be child-centered, guided by expert advice and costly in terms of time, money and emotional investment in order to produce the most successful child possible.</p>
<p>Picture modern parents scouring bookstores for the latest parenting manual and preschool math workbooks, fretting over their toddler’s picky eating habits and overloading their weekly schedules with children’s activities and playdates. This pressure to parent intensively does not fall equally on middle-class mothers and fathers, however. Because <a href="http://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Mommy-Myth/Susan-Douglas/9780743260466">motherhood remains an idealized role</a>, it is mothers who experience the greatest pressure to meet these unrealistic parenting standards. </p>
<p>Mothers who feel intense pressure to invest heavily in their children may also be reluctant to give up control over parenting. What ends up happening is that fathers spend less time in sole charge of their children. Research on parenting time shows that women are in sole charge of their children <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0891243205285212">for nearly one-third of their time</a> whereas men only for about 8 percent of their time.</p>
<p>Thus, even fathers who are highly involved coparents may experience parenting primarily in the company of children’s mothers and more rarely on their own. </p>
<h2>Mothers do more multitasking</h2>
<p>Another area in which subtle, persistent inequality exists is multitasking – especially doing several unpaid work activities (e.g., housework and child care) at the same time.</p>
<figure class="align-left ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155377/original/image-20170202-1685-1td5ot7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=237&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/155377/original/image-20170202-1685-1td5ot7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155377/original/image-20170202-1685-1td5ot7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155377/original/image-20170202-1685-1td5ot7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=800&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155377/original/image-20170202-1685-1td5ot7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155377/original/image-20170202-1685-1td5ot7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/155377/original/image-20170202-1685-1td5ot7.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=1005&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Mothers do more multitasking.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/wefi_official/27083596883/in/photolist-9Y7qvW-HCmEDK-7myRZX-qdFTp1-HghvLX-d2TkzL-LnDnq-dBKW3a-7wpd4p-Nw8qk-ihsYAC-9HF3JW-5GynLV-9ozVJa-8BfXon-DK4hBF">Anne Worner</a>, <a class="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/">CC BY-SA</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Mothers multitask more than fathers do. A recent study showed the size of this difference: mothers in dual-earner families <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0003122411425170">spent 10 more hours per week multitasking</a> than did fathers.</p>
<p>When fathers are parenting solo, they may be focusing on the basics: making sure children are fed, getting children to/from activities, etc. In contrast, when mothers are parenting solo, they may be taking care of the basics while also getting housework done and/or doing paid work. </p>
<p>Although multitasking may be efficient, frequent multitasking contributes to greater day-to-day stress for mothers compared to fathers. Mothers who did more multitasking at home <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0003122411425170">felt more frustrated, irritated and anxious</a>. They said they felt more often <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12320">rushed or pressed for time</a>.</p>
<p>Thus, if fathers are less likely to multitask child care and housework, some women may have returned from the march to weekend laundry or grocery shopping left undone, thus beginning the new work week with an additional burden.</p>
<h2>Mothers do more managing and organizing</h2>
<p>Intensive parenting requires strong dedication to managing children’s activities, organizing schedules and making appointments – part of the so-called “<a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/10/opinion/sunday/judith-shulevitz-mom-the-designated-worrier.html?_r=0">worry work</a>” of parenting. </p>
<p>This aspect of parenting is especially challenging to study, because much of this work takes place inside the parent’s head. Research that has surveyed or interviewed parents about who takes responsibility for the managerial and organizational aspects of parenting indicates that <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0885200605800808">mothers take greater responsibility than fathers</a>. </p>
<p>In fact, fathers’ involvement in this component of parenting has <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2004-13687-009">lagged behind gains</a> in their direct involvement in caring for their children. In other words, mothers are more likely to make child care arrangements, schedule doctors’ appointments and sign the permission slips. Mothers remember and mothers remind. </p>
<p>Perhaps some mothers who traveled to the D.C. march might want to recall, how many reminders and to-do lists for children and fathers did they need to leave behind? And how many text messages were exchanged with fathers about where to find a missing sport or dance class accessory?</p>
<p>The truth, as made evident through The New York Times article, is: We still have a way to go to achieve equality in parenting.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/72026/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan has received funding for her research from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Insitute of Child Health and Human Development and the National Science Foundation.</span></em></p>The recent women’s marches were a reminder that equality in parenting has a long way to go.Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, Professor of Human Sciences and Psychology; Faculty Associate of the Crane Center for Early Childhood Research and Policy, The Ohio State UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.