tag:theconversation.com,2011:/us/topics/politeness-51958/articlesPoliteness – The Conversation2023-02-08T23:26:20Ztag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1933732023-02-08T23:26:20Z2023-02-08T23:26:20ZAdults judge children who tell blunt polite truths more harshly than they do liars<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508497/original/file-20230206-25-syz9b1.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=8%2C8%2C5013%2C3713&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">In practice, adults don't always value truth above all else.</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/mother-scolding-girl-hand-on-hip-pointing-finger-royalty-free-image/571750775">Ashley Corbin-Teich/Image Source via Getty Images</a></span></figcaption></figure><p><em>The <a href="https://theconversation.com/us/topics/research-brief-83231">Research Brief</a> is a short take about interesting academic work.</em></p>
<h2>The big idea</h2>
<p>Despite the common lesson that it’s paramount to tell the truth, adults <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/03057240.2022.2109606">judged children who told blunt polite truths more negatively</a> than they did liars in a recent study <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=-Ikvxa4AAAAJ&hl=en&oi=sra">my colleague</a> <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=dN8HVHEAAAAJ&hl=en&oi=sra">and I conducted</a>.</p>
<p>We asked 171 adults to watch videos of children between the ages of 6 and 15. Participants got a bit of written background identifying which children were lying and which were telling the truth.</p>
<p>The lies were <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-386491-8.00004-9">what psychologists call prosocial</a>, meaning they benefited someone other than the child him- or herself. For instance, they might have been trying to protect a sibling who had destroyed their bike or to be polite and tell their parent they enjoyed the birthday party organized for them.</p>
<p>On the other hand, when they told the truth, the children were betraying a sibling to tell on them to the parent, or they were being rude and telling the parent the party they organized was boring.</p>
<p>All children made both kinds of statements, both in either a blunt, obvious manner or in a subtle, less apparent way.</p>
<p>As you might expect, adults rated the children who told the truth in a polite but subtle way most positively. And they judged the liars as more untrustworthy than when those same kids told the truth.</p>
<p>However, when we asked the adult participants more broadly about the children, they rated the liars as having a generally more positive disposition when they lied to be polite than when they told the blunt truth. </p>
<figure class="align-center zoomable">
<a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=1000&fit=clip"><img alt="back of a child's head with man stooping to look at kid's face" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/508498/original/file-20230206-26-laxjzd.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px"></a>
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Learning to tell socially acceptable lies is part of growing up – but adults might not make it clear which lies are good and which aren’t.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/germany-leipzig-father-angry-with-son-while-going-royalty-free-image/163250798">Westend61 via Getty Images Plus</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Why it matters</h2>
<p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.46.4.409">Lying is typically viewed negatively</a>. In fact, being judged a liar is often seen as one of the worst characteristics you can ascribe to someone. At the same time, many smooth social interactions rely on little white lies and lies of omission.</p>
<p>So we were interested in understanding how children might learn how to lie and, in turn, how adults might judge kids when they tell socially acceptable lies.</p>
<p>Prosocial lying is more complex than lying for self-serving reasons. Parents have difficult choices to make when it comes to helping children understand this landscape.</p>
<p>Given our findings, it seems that adults might provide inconsistent messages in response to children’s lies. They seem to respond positively to polite liars while at the same time judging them as less trustworthy.</p>
<h2>What’s next</h2>
<p>The adults in our study knew when the children were lying. But much other research has shown that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327957pspr1003_2">people are generally poor lie detectors</a>. Our participants might have judged the liars and truth-tellers differently if they didn’t know for sure when they were watching a lie.</p>
<p>The kind of socialization we were interested in depends on a person’s culture and individual situation. We have yet to examine how people from different backgrounds and with various personalities would respond to lying children and in turn help them understand what is socially acceptable.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/193373/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Support for this project was provided by a PSC-CUNY Award, jointly funded by The Professional Staff Congress and The City University of New York #TRADA-45-492</span></em></p>Kids need to learn when little lies are the right choice. But research suggests parents may not be clear in the messages they send about how they value the truth.Laure Brimbal, Assistant Professor of Criminal Justice and Criminology, Texas State UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1808512022-05-18T14:37:07Z2022-05-18T14:37:07Z‘How are you?’: Is it time for greater authenticity in how we ask and answer this question?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/461633/original/file-20220505-12066-y8sya8.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&rect=7%2C0%2C5160%2C3437&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">It’s safe to say that quite often, there’s an unspoken expectation that discourages honest replies.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Erika Giraud/Unsplash)</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>As the effects of the pandemic and other global crises stack up, leaving many <a href="https://cmha.ca/how-are-we-feeling-canadians-are-worried-bored-stressed-lonely-and-sad/">feeling beleaguered and emotionally worn</a>, our usually polite answers to the question, “<a href="https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/how+do+you+do">How are you?</a>” are being challenged. </p>
<p>Responding with, “Fine thanks, and you?” can feel inadequate, inappropriate and sometimes even unmanageable. Perhaps what we’ve actually been communicating through this interaction is, “I acknowledge your existence.” </p>
<p>As many of us continue to experience <a href="https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-021-81780-w">limited social interactions due to the pandemic</a>, those we do have might hold heightened importance. So we find ourselves asking whether there is room for greater authenticity in how we negotiate this established social grace. Can we respond in ways that extend beyond a mere greeting, in a manner that is both authentic and polite?</p>
<h2>Canadian politeness: fact or fiction?</h2>
<p>The “nice, polite Canadian” is an <a href="https://www.bbc.com/travel/article/20150311-can-canada-teach-the-rest-of-us-to-be-nicer">internationally recognized</a> identity, that in reality is likely <a href="https://www.thestar.com/news/canada-150/2017/06/28/are-canadians-really-that-polite-we-put-the-myth-to-the-rush-hour-test.html">something of a myth</a>. Fictitious or not, <a href="https://www.macleans.ca/culture/do-canadians-deserve-their-reputation-for-being-nice/">polite exchange is still valued</a> and abundantly common. </p>
<p>When we connect with others, at work and in our personal lives, many of us start by asking, “How are you?” Within this longstanding and widely accepted part of Canadian social discourse is another truism: <a href="https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/iaccp_papers/157/">we don’t necessarily expect to give or receive honest answers</a> to this question.</p>
<p>In fact, it’s safe to say that quite often, there’s an unspoken expectation that discourages honest replies. In those situations when the customary answer, “Fine thanks,” is replaced by a lengthier, less positive response, a palpable awkwardness can be instantaneous.</p>
<p>Responding with “Fine thanks, and you?” keeps things tidy. It doesn’t ask the receiver to bare emotional burdens, and it keeps private the more intimate thoughts and feelings attached to personal struggles. Feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy, that are <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability">usually greater in times of personal struggle</a>, can also cause us to worry that we might be judged if we respond honestly. </p>
<p>And, in those times when it takes all we have to keep ourselves from falling apart, we might fear that being asked, “How are you?” could tip us into unravelling.</p>
<p>So, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014387">we tend to play it safe</a>. But is this superficial social relational dance really about being polite? Or, are there other reasons that might explain why we tend to avoid getting too personal when we greet each other? Could there be something in the communal psyche that discourages us from sharing our truths?</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A man and a woman fist bump" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/461636/original/file-20220505-19-mm1v2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/461636/original/file-20220505-19-mm1v2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461636/original/file-20220505-19-mm1v2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461636/original/file-20220505-19-mm1v2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461636/original/file-20220505-19-mm1v2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461636/original/file-20220505-19-mm1v2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461636/original/file-20220505-19-mm1v2u.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Are simple greetings more important now than they’ve ever been?</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Seeing oneself as a bother</h2>
<p>Many worry that telling someone honestly how they’re doing <a href="https://fangirltherapy.medium.com/taking-up-space-the-anxiety-of-being-annoying-27266f6a362c">might be received as a bother</a>, and asking someone how they’re really doing might be construed as an intrusion. </p>
<p>But these well-honed efforts are often intended to prevent internal discomfort that might be felt, and <a href="https://medium.com/who-broke-your-heart/uncomfortable-authenticity-8f958c50309d">potential discomfort</a> that might result, when these widely regarded social-relational boundaries are overstepped.</p>
<p>On the one hand, it can be argued that telling someone how we are really doing is equal to asking them to “hold our stuff.” However, we also know that sharing intimate thoughts and feelings is a <a href="https://chironpublications.com/shop/the-sacred-cauldron/">core feature of psychotherapy</a>, and that telling our stories to enable physical and emotional healing is foundational to <a href="https://www.innertraditions.com/books/narrative-medicine">narrative medicine</a>. </p>
<p>As the saying goes, “a problem shared is a problem halved.” The value of releasing pent-up feelings as a means of unburdening has a lengthy history. The <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-catharsis-2794968">notion of catharsis</a> — emotional release following the expression of repressed emotions — dates back to the time of Plato and his pupil, Aristotle, when it was felt that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/h0088525">a purging following dramatic arousal of emotion</a> had therapeutic value. </p>
<p>Not surprisingly, the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037%2F1089-2680.5.3.187">desire to self-disclose</a> is often stronger during times when emotional burdens feel heaviest, creating a more intense need for the feeling of release that comes with unburdening. </p>
<p>In addition, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497">the need to belong</a> is a fundamental human desire, and sharing our feelings with others can enhance our sense of connectedness. The critical nature of this to <a href="https://worldhappiness.report/ed/2021/social-connection-and-well-being-during-covid-19/">overall well-being</a> has been further highlighted by the pandemic.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="A man reaches out his hand to someone else" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/461637/original/file-20220505-17-b465v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/461637/original/file-20220505-17-b465v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461637/original/file-20220505-17-b465v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461637/original/file-20220505-17-b465v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=400&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461637/original/file-20220505-17-b465v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461637/original/file-20220505-17-b465v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/461637/original/file-20220505-17-b465v.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=503&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">The desire to self-disclose is often stronger during times when emotional burdens feel heaviest.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">(Shutterstock)</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<h2>Is it time for greater authenticity?</h2>
<p>Just as important as it is to consider our responses to the age-old question, “How are you?” (or more accurately, “<a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00393274.2017.1358662%22%22">How do you do?</a>”), is introspection about why and how we ask it. </p>
<p>If we simply intend “How are you?” to serve as a greeting or a sort of social lubricant, perhaps we don’t expect or want an authentic response. If, however, we are intent on delving beyond this formality, toward <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/00131946.2016.1269492">connection and meaning in our interactions with others</a>, perhaps there are ways we can ask this question that are more meaningful, genuine and compassionate.</p>
<p>In this <a href="https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/sudbury/northeastern-ontario-covid-costs-1.6407380">sixth wave</a> of the pandemic, <a href="https://www.mhrc.ca/national-polling-covid">emotional weariness</a> is becoming increasingly evident, and is being compounded by numerous other global calamities. There’s a lot to take in, while <a href="https://time.com/6076596/relationship-lessons-during-covid-19/">so much about how we interact with each other has changed</a>. </p>
<p>As we consider how our growing collective emotional fatigue might be impacting our <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/04/should-i-still-say-how-are-you-during-a-pandemic/610639/">usually polite rules of social engagement</a>, we can’t help but ask if our longstanding allegiance to polite greeting is being confronted by a <a href="https://www.amazeworks.org/building-and-sustaining-relationships-through-this-ongoing-pandemic/">pandemic inspired thirst for greater authenticity</a>. Is it time for us to overhaul this longstanding symbol of social grace?</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/180851/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Is it time for us to overhaul this longstanding symbol of social grace?Marnie Wedlake, Assistant Professor of Mental Health & Wellness; Registered Psychotherapist, Western UniversityJennifer Irwin, Professor, Faculty of Health Sciences, Western UniversityShauna Burke, Associate professor, School of Health Studies, Western UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1774372022-02-20T19:14:15Z2022-02-20T19:14:15ZPlease excuse me, is there a place for politeness in Australian politics?<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/447198/original/file-20220218-27-20zjm.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Mick Tsikas/AAP</span></span></figcaption></figure><p>Since former Australian of the Year Grace Tame <a href="https://www.smh.com.au/national/scowling-at-scott-morrison-grace-tame-squanders-her-moment-20220125-p59r62.html">declined to smile</a> in a photo opportunity with Prime Minister Scott Morrison, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2022/jan/25/young-women-like-grace-tame-werent-socialised-to-shut-up-when-authority-figures-speak-and-it-feels-like-progress">debate has raged</a> about what counts as politeness and impoliteness in Australian political debate.</p>
<p>Jenny Morrison recently <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-02-14/jenny-morrison-takes-swipe-at-grace-tame/100827118">told 60 Minutes</a> she wants her daughters to grow up “fierce and strong” but also “be polite and have manners”.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, the gloves are well and truly off in Canberra. As Labor claimed Aged Care Services Minister Richard Colbeck had “failed in his job” and <a href="https://twitter.com/ClareONeilMP/status/1494080249977798658?s=20&t=E0YxaQq5mZa8EoSRuIDhoA">should be sacked</a>, Morrison <a href="https://theconversation.com/grattan-on-friday-morrison-has-sown-the-seeds-for-a-scare-campaign-and-albanese-doesnt-know-whether-theyll-grow-177368">accused</a> opposition leader Anthony Albanese of “clearly [being] on the side of criminals” (during debate about deportation legislation) and labelled deputy leader Richard Marles, a “Manchurian candidate” (over past comments on China). </p>
<p><div data-react-class="Tweet" data-react-props="{"tweetId":"1493807519629987843"}"></div></p>
<p>As we head towards another federal election, the temperature of debate will only increase. Is politeness compatible with politics? And what standards should we expect from our leaders? </p>
<h2>Defining “politeness”</h2>
<p>In 1978, American linguists Penelope Brown and Stephen C Levinson developed “<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1987-97641-000">politeness theory</a>”. This is the most influential scholarly work dealing with politeness. At its heart lies the notion of “face” or the public image we want for ourselves.</p>
<p>There are two types of “face”:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>“positive face” – our desire to be “<a href="https://pure.mpg.de/rest/items/item_64421/component/file_2225570/content">appreciated and approved of</a>”. It can be threatened by accusations, insults and expressions of criticism or contempt.</p></li>
<li><p>“negative face” – our desire for autonomy, including both freedom to act and freedom from other people <a href="https://pure.mpg.de/rest/items/item_64421/component/file_2225570/content">telling us what to do</a>. It can be threatened by orders, requests, advice and threats. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Politeness might mean giving someone approval or praise, or minimising our imposition on them. But there are times when this is not possible or practical. In emergencies, for example, we might yell sharply at someone to get out of harm’s way, or to protect ourselves. As linguistic anthropologists <a href="https://doi.org/10.1515/iral.1985.23.1-4.281">Horst Arndt and Richard W. Janney</a> observe,</p>
<blockquote>
<p>To not do this would require a radical suppression of one’s own interests and feelings, and an almost slavish acceptance of those of others. The result would be a total loss of personal face. </p>
</blockquote>
<p>In situations such as these, a lack of conventional politeness is not only understandable, it just might be essential.</p>
<p><div data-react-class="Tweet" data-react-props="{"tweetId":"1488629180430692352"}"></div></p>
<h2>Defining impoliteness</h2>
<p>Politeness theory focuses on what we say, but impoliteness can also be communicated by <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.2307/3586829">non-verbal behaviour</a>, such as facial expressions, eye contact, voice quality and body movements. So, <a href="https://www.smh.com.au/national/why-young-women-aren-t-smiling-for-you-any-more-20220126-p59rd2.html">not smiling</a> in a photo opportunity may express positive impoliteness. Meanwhile, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2020/jan/02/scott-morrison-abused-by-bushfire-victims-in-nsw-town-of-cobargo">shaking someone’s hand</a> when they don’t want you to arguably shows negative impoliteness.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="Kenneth Hayne and Josh Frydenberg" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/447201/original/file-20220218-27-1w01ufq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/447201/original/file-20220218-27-1w01ufq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=365&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447201/original/file-20220218-27-1w01ufq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=365&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447201/original/file-20220218-27-1w01ufq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=365&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447201/original/file-20220218-27-1w01ufq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=458&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447201/original/file-20220218-27-1w01ufq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=458&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/447201/original/file-20220218-27-1w01ufq.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=458&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Kenneth Hayne also did not smile during a photo opp with Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, when handing over the banking royal commission report in 2019.</span>
<span class="attribution"><span class="source">Kym Smith/pool/AAP</span></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Linguist <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0378216695000143">Jonathan Culpeper</a> says impoliteness involves “the absence of politeness […] where it would be expected”. And the more powerful and/or unfamiliar someone is to us, the more polite we are expected to be. He <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/au/academic/subjects/languages-linguistics/sociolinguistics/impoliteness-using-language-cause-offence?format=HB&isbn=9780521869676">also explains</a> that some behaviours can be perceived as impolite if they just clash with how someone expects or wants them to be.</p>
<p>So, who decides what counts as politeness? And what happens when we disagree?</p>
<h2>Context matters</h2>
<p>There is a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1515/jplr.2005.1.1.9">longstanding consensus</a> amongst linguists that nothing is inherently polite or impolite. Rather, the things we communicate take on these meanings from the <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/1996-01753-007.html">cultures and contexts</a> in which they happen.</p>
<p>For example, recent <a href="https://academic.oup.com/bjsw/advance-article/doi/10.1093/bjsw/bcab204/6433255">research</a> suggests Australia’s brand of politeness prioritises “positive face,” with a high value placed on “being welcoming and showing solidarity and sympathy”. We also have an emphasis on what scholars call, “<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216609003348">jocular mockery</a>.” This includes various forms of teasing based on the view that people shouldn’t take themselves too seriously – or what is more commonly known as “<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378216609003348">taking the piss</a>”. </p>
<hr>
<p>
<em>
<strong>
Read more:
<a href="https://theconversation.com/from-toby-tosspot-to-mr-harbourside-mansion-personal-insults-are-an-australian-tradition-98928">From 'Toby Tosspot' to 'Mr Harbourside Mansion', personal insults are an Australian tradition</a>
</strong>
</em>
</p>
<hr>
<p>But <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/document/doi/10.1515/jplr.2005.1.2.263/html">ideas about gender</a> also play a significant role in our expectations here. For example, men <a href="https://www.news.com.au/national/why-kenneth-hayne-photo-exposes-grace-tame-critics-double-standards/news-story/bbb7115bb935cd9d0d2905af686cfc6c">who don’t smile</a> when they are expected to might be seen as “tough” or “serious”, while women are labelled “rude” or “disrespectful”. </p>
<h2>Politeness in politics</h2>
<p>Politics is not a warm and fuzzy profession <a href="https://www.jbe-platform.com/content/journals/10.1075/prag.18064.bar">by any means</a>. But in recent years, researchers have tracked a “<a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0957926520977217">shameless normalisation</a>” of verbal aggression, insults, racist and misogynistic attacks and hostile forms of humour from leaders such as Donald Trump and Silvio Berlusconi. </p>
<p>Closer to home, last week outgoing Liberal MP Nicolle Flint <a href="https://www.smh.com.au/politics/federal/a-hard-place-to-be-a-woman-liberal-mp-takes-aim-at-left-wing-men-and-calls-for-new-legal-protection-for-women-20220216-p59wws.html">decried the abuse</a> she has received during her time in politics. </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Men on the left, some of whom are public figures of influence, have done the following: they’ve stalked me, suggested I should be strangled, criticised the clothes I wear and the way I look, called me a whiny little bitch repeatedly, repeatedly called me weak, a slut […] </p>
</blockquote>
<p>More generally, <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-09-06/julie-bishop-criticises-parliamentary-colleagues-bullying-sexism/10205944">politicians</a> and <a href="https://www.jbe-platform.com/content/journals/10.1075/prag.18064.bar">scholars</a> have both observed that rudeness is not only expected but rewarded in parliamentary debates. </p>
<p>The <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/may/23/a-sludge-of-grandstanding-does-question-time-finally-need-some-answers">risk</a> here is that voters just tune out and turn off (as any regular viewer of parliamentary question time can attest). </p>
<p><div data-react-class="Tweet" data-react-props="{"tweetId":"1493806798557822978"}"></div></p>
<h2>Caution: election ahead</h2>
<p>Of course there is a difference in how politicians or political opponents behave towards each other and how they behave towards the people whose votes they want. </p>
<p>Politeness can play a potentially <a href="https://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ648656">important role</a> in image-management. While he was opposition leader, for example, Tony Abbott was <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-03-24/abbott-regrets-abusive-language-used-at-rally/2644254">quick to distance himself</a> from placards belittling then Prime Minister Julia Gillard, after speaking in front of them at a public rally. </p>
<p>But here voters should take note of linguist Manfred Keinpointner’s <a href="https://benjamins.com/catalog/fol.4.2.05kie">warning</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>some forms of politeness, such as manipulative or insincere politeness, should be seen as […] impolite.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>And as we reflect on what behaviour we expect and want from our political leaders and those who shape the national debate, we also need to ask to whose benefit it is to be - or seem to be - polite. Perhaps what we want more than conventional etiquette is what political scientists call <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1461444804041444">civility</a> – or “respect for the traditions of democracy”.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/177437/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Katherine (Kate) Power receives funding from The Advance Queensland Industry Research Fellowships program.</span></em></p>Research suggests Australia’s brand of politeness puts an emphasis on ‘being welcoming and showing solidarity’ … and ‘taking the piss’.Katherine (Kate) Power, Lecturer in Management, School of Business, The University of QueenslandLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/1086352018-12-21T10:43:55Z2018-12-21T10:43:55ZHow to lie (politely) when you receive a bad Christmas present<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251541/original/file-20181219-45416-1stc12g.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/sad-woman-hating-receiving-flat-shoes-762601810?src=-L8mHxFNhV48ZTninwYNag-1-50">shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Whatever you think about Christmas – wonderful, <a href="https://theconversation.com/hate-christmas-a-psychologists-survival-guide-for-grinches-108278">a tyranny</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/has-consumerism-taken-over-christmas-two-marketing-experts-discuss-108618">excessive</a>, irrelevant – the chances are that at some point during festivities, you will have to unwrap a present in front of the person who chose it for you. </p>
<p>Perhaps it will be a gift that leaves you speechless with delight, overwhelmed with gratitude and affection towards the giver who clearly knows you so well. </p>
<p>Or maybe you will open a present and wonder if the person giving it to you knows you at all. Do they seriously think you’ll love the unwanted item you find yourself staring at? Now you must react. So what should you do?</p>
<h2>The ritual of giving – and receiving</h2>
<p>The giving and receiving of gifts is a human ritual full of social and cultural significance, which strengthens our bonds and relationships.</p>
<p>One major component of the interactive ritual is the <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/view/j/text.1.2005.25.issue-5/text.2005.25.5.565/text.2005.25.5.565.xml">reaction that accompanies</a> the opening of a gift and follows its acceptance. Young children are less bound to such constraints, and are often more interested in the box than its contents. But as we grow older, we become socialised towards an appropriate reaction – learning by watching those around us. </p>
<p>Luckily, gift exchanges are not fundamentally different from the rest of human interaction, and a core feature of human communication is what conversation analysts call “recipient design”. Recipient design refers to the way we construct or <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/412243?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">design our speech</a> to fit with the person we are speaking to. </p>
<p>For example, you might begin a conversation with the phrase: “You know Jane, from the office?” But if your recipient doesn’t know Jane, or what the office refers to, you might adjust your sentence to: “You know the woman who sits upstairs, at my work?” </p>
<p>Recipient design is everywhere in human interaction, from the way we greet people (“hey”, “hello”, “yo”, “good morning”, “howdy”, “good day”, “mornin’”) to the way we make requests (“can I have?”, “I need”, “I was just wondering”, “have you got”, “I want”, “would it be possible”). </p>
<p>If you use the same words as a greeting for everyone you meet, from your best friend to a prospective new employer, you’re not designing what you say for your recipient – and they can usually tell. It would be the same as giving the very same Christmas present to everyone you know. Instead, gifts, like conversation, should be designed for a particular person. </p>
<p>So, let’s assume that people select gifts that they think you will like. There may still be reasons for you not to like it. If you once collected “cat things”, or enjoyed the music of Bruce Springsteen, it’s quite possible you later stopped liking cat things or listening to Bruce Springsteen. </p>
<p>But it’s hard to tell the person who is now giving you a cat-shaped eggcup or a Bruce Springsteen poster that you don’t want any more “bloody cat or Bruce Springsteen rubbish”. </p>
<h2>Christmas messages</h2>
<p>So how do you react in such cases? Of course, it depends how much you want a good relationship with the gift-giver. If you’re looking for a way out, reacting truthfully to the unwanted gift could be a useful strategy. But if you don’t want to offend, here are three conversational strategies that will help. They’ll also help because they’re the right way to react to gifts that you actually <em>like</em> – so make sure you follow them either way.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Timing is everything. We can generally tell if someone doesn’t like what we say to them, and the same holds for what we give them as a gift. Delays are a good indicator of a negative response, which is why a swift response is better. So be ready to react quickly. The slightest hesitation – even half a second – will imply negative feelings. </p></li>
<li><p>Show and tell. If you’re opening gifts in front of others, show the gift to them. Again, speed is important. The more quickly you involve the group, the more it suggests you’re excited or proud of what you’ve received. If you’re an onlooker, you can help the recipient by adding your own “Oohs” and “Aahs” of pleasure. </p></li>
<li><p>A simple “thank you” is not enough. The final part of the gift giving ritual (whether or not you like what you’ve received) is the “thank you”, which should also be carefully recipient designed. This is particularly relevant for showing gratitude if the gift was unveiled in the absence of the giver.</p></li>
</ol>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251542/original/file-20181219-45408-jb6wo0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/251542/original/file-20181219-45408-jb6wo0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251542/original/file-20181219-45408-jb6wo0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251542/original/file-20181219-45408-jb6wo0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=338&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251542/original/file-20181219-45408-jb6wo0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=425&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251542/original/file-20181219-45408-jb6wo0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=425&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/251542/original/file-20181219-45408-jb6wo0.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=425&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Beautifully wrapped social interaction.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/brown-gift-box-red-ribbon-tag-530036224?src=RBLq2xdBmL5ic3RVvv8Slg-1-104">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>Saying (or writing) “thank you for the gift” requires elaboration. Give a positive response that both assesses the gift (“What a beautiful cat mug!) and <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1461445617715171">how you feel about it</a> ("I love it!”). </p>
<p>But that’s still not quite enough. Add something about the immediate use you will have for the gift (“I’ll be able to use it with my new coffee maker”), how timely it is (“I just broke one of my cat mugs!”), or how well recipient designed it actually is (“Oh, I’ve really been after a new mug, but was too mean to buy it myself”). </p>
<p>It’s true that these tips involve a certain amount of deception. But as the founder of the subject of conversation analysis, <a href="https://theconversation.com/truth-is-everyone-lies-all-the-time-6749">Harvey Sacks said</a>: “Everyone has to lie.” Lies aren’t always bad. In some situations, they are necessary. Just like we’re supposed to respond that we’re “fine” when a colleague briefly asks how we’re doing, some lies simply keep the wheels of social life turning. </p>
<p>Receiving bad presents at Christmas is such a situation. After all, in this most traditional ritual, where relationships are supposed to be affirmed, it really is the thought, however misguided, that counts. </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Elizabeth and Jessica would like to reassure their friends and family that they have truly appreciated and loved every gift they have ever been given.</p>
</blockquote><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/108635/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Not giving offence is what Christmas is all about.Elizabeth Stokoe, Professor of Social Interaction, Loughborough UniversityJessica Robles, Lecturer in Social Psychology, Loughborough UniversityLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/994202018-08-08T12:24:36Z2018-08-08T12:24:36ZDoes rudeness have a legitimate place in politics? The case for and against<p>We live in an age of rude politicians. In the US, Donald Trump has periodically monopolised the <a href="https://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2017/12/04/the-rudeness-king-donald/JLSysyyLAMXfYDtT2TgqlJ/story.html">headlines</a> since 2015 with his rude and obnoxious behaviour, often showcased via Twitter or at international summits, where he has pushed presidents out of his way and left his counterparts <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/jun/11/g7-photo-of-trump-merkel-becomes-classic-art">visibly exasperated</a>. His behaviour seems to be incurring an etiquette backlash against his administration: in June 2018, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was publicly <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/06/23/sarah-sanders-asked-leave-restaurant-works-donald-trump/">asked to leave a restaurant</a> because her work for the Trump administration put her at odds with the restaurant staff.</p>
<p>These incidents, and more besides, have prompted calls for increased civility in politics in the US and elsewhere. But should we really attempt to eradicate rudeness – or does it have an important role to play?</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Iimj0j4NYME?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
</figure>
<p>In British politics, for one, there is a long history of politicians being openly rude to each other, including in parliament itself. In the last several years, it has arguably hit new heights (or, depending on your view, depths). In 2010, Prime Minister David Cameron was slated by the press for his <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0261927X18767472">rudeness</a> – what he himself referred to as “yah-boo style” – during prime minister’s questions.</p>
<p>Cameron was known to deploy every tactic from character assassination (“The truth is he is weak and despicable”, he said to <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0261927X18767472">Ed Miliband</a> in 2015) to outright mockery (“If the prime minister is going to have pre-prepared jokes, I think they ought to be a bit better than that one – probably not enough bananas on the menu” – this to <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0261927X18767472">Gordon Brown</a> in 2010, mocking his opponent’s <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7186310/Gordon-Brown-eating-nine-bananas-a-day-to-ween-himself-off-KitKats.html">dietary choices</a>).</p>
<p>But while Cameron was often castigated for his behaviour, he was far from an outlier, and his behaviour did not occur in a vacuum. The House of Commons’s benches are organised in such a way that <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0956474812460465b">confrontation is encouraged</a>, and adversarial style is both <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1057/bp.2012.13">encouraged and expected</a> by members of parliament. The demands of political <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/288944584_Insulting_as_unparliamentary_practice_in_the_British_and_Swedish_Parliaments_a_rhetorical_approach">tactics</a> force opposing parliamentarians into a stark choice: circumvent an awkward question or put your opponent on the back foot.</p>
<p>The strategic use of rudeness is a common feature of political discourse around the world. It’s a tool used to contest <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/978-1-137-37508-7_28">negative publicity</a>, as in the case of Dan Rather’s 1988 interview with George H. W. Bush, where the then-vice president infamously <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqwQw3THRvU">yelled at the interviewer</a> to dispel his image as a weak leader. Rudeness can also be utilised to attack the “face” or self-image of your adversary, consequently raising your own <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216612001737#bib0030">status</a>: ultimately, a zero sum game.</p>
<p>Rudeness is also a useful way to curb others’ behaviour or challenge their political views with as much force as possible. When <a href="https://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/45716967/s0378-2166_2802_2900118-220160517-1843-1mvn3n.pdf?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAIWOWYYGZ2Y53UL3A&Expires=1530699623&Signature=9VXXwLYEdYadpBgx5I8%2BbfBsXFg%3D&response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DImpoliteness_revisited_with_special_refe.pdf">used</a> to communicate anger and disapproval, and to harden one’s refusal to cooperate, it’s a useful tool for voters who want to change their representatives’ behaviour. </p>
<p>It can also be a useful <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216612001737">release valve</a> for negative emotions. Some <a href="http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1461444804041444">researchers</a> suggest that such behaviours aren’t rude when considered in the context of political discourse; it has been argued that “heated discussion” (both face to face and online) should be encouraged to enable voters to engage with politicians, express disagreement and heighten engagement with the political process.</p>
<h2>Check yourself</h2>
<p>Rudeness affects not just aggressor and victim, but others besides. It subjects victims to <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1359432X.2012.698057">stress</a>; it <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/job.2183">isolates and embarrasses</a> them, and can undermine their <a href="https://journals.aom.org/doi/abs/10.5465/amj.2007.20159919">performance at work</a>. But bystanders who witness the behaviour can also be adversely affected, experiencing anger and compromised <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0749597809000041">performance</a>. Just <a href="http://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fapl0000247">witnessing one incident of rudeness</a> in the morning can affect a person for the rest of the day, producing increased sensitivity to rudeness (making them more predisposed to think others are being rude), reduced ability to focus on goals and a desire to avoid interacting with others. These consequences should make people think twice before lashing out.</p>
<p>Another issue is the suggestion that rudeness begets rudeness. Known as the <a href="https://journals.aom.org/doi/abs/10.5465/amr.1999.2202131">incivility spiral</a>, this idea holds that those who experience rudeness are likely respond in kind. The exchange of slights and insults is then likely to escalate on both sides, potentially leading to aggression or violence. And so what begins as relatively mild rudeness can quickly turn into something highly unpleasant.</p>
<p>This is what’s happening in American politics today. Journalists and politicians are increasingly citing past incidents (say, Trump’s repeated references to Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren as <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jun/26/donald-trump-sarah-huckabee-sanders-red-hen-restaurant">Pocahontas</a>) as the basis for any rudeness directed towards the administration, including a recent incident where the <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/sarah-sanders-red-hen-trump-kicked-out-restaurant-virginia-lexington-white-house-press-secretary-a8413701.html">homeland security secretary</a> was booed out of a Mexican restaurant. The <a href="https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2018/08/05/nyts_mark_landler_trump_rallies_becoming_ritual.html">aggressive rhetoric</a> at recent Trump rallies is a sign that things are getting to a new low. Then there are the diplomatic consequences of Trump’s rudeness towards supposed allies, many of whom seem to be running out of patience.</p>
<p>So while rudeness might be a perfectly effective strategy in some adversarial contexts, it’s a dangerous game to play in the public eye. Every rude comment or tweet can incur aggressive retaliation and undermine diplomatic relations – and put citizens everywhere off politics altogether.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/99420/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Dr Amy Irwin does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>The world is up in arms about many politicians’ increasing rudeness. Are we right to be so perturbed?Dr Amy Irwin, Lecturer in Psychology, University of AberdeenLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/927762018-04-09T13:32:33Z2018-04-09T13:32:33ZHow to talk about politics with your family<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/213827/original/file-20180409-114092-1lv9m5d.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption"></span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/young-elegantly-dressed-woman-talking-dinner-498297184?src=l7PzgJ3gwZHrkEBbfVQbFA-1-52">Shutterstock.</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>Talking politics with people who you disagree with is always tricky, but it’s especially hard when those people are your family or closest friends. All too often, problems arise because of how politeness (and impoliteness) <a href="https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/263e/511f2d0bf2dfd7109a50e5f8618751af3834.pdf">operates in interactions</a>. </p>
<p>Everything we do can be more or less polite; the way we move, the way we look at each other and, of course, the words we use. Being polite is not just about saying “please” and “thank you” – indeed, some ways of using these words <a href="https://www.degruyter.com/view/j/soprag.2015.3.issue-2/soprag-2014-0028/soprag-2014-0028.xml">can be impolite too</a>. </p>
<p>Suppose somebody is swimming too fast for the slow lane in your local pool. There are more or less polite ways to ask them to move and it can be quite hard to know what will work best. A straightforward “you’re in the wrong lane” is less polite than “excuse me, I don’t know if you know about the lanes here. This one is for very slow swimmers.” </p>
<p>In some contexts, though, the more direct form will seem fine and the longer utterance could seem passive aggressive, or even rude. To get things right, you need to <a href="http://wrap.warwick.ac.uk/2687/1/WRAP_Spencer_oatey_0673125-cal-300110-spencer-oatey_jop02.pdf">make the right assumptions</a> about your relationship with the person you’re talking to.</p>
<h2>Treat everybody like a stranger</h2>
<p>We often don’t use markers of politeness when we say things to people we know well. At a family breakfast table, it can be fine simply to say “pass the salt”, without saying things like “excuse me”, “please” and “could you ..?” If a family member asks whether you’d like a cup of tea, it can be fine just to say “no” – but that would be a risky response if the offer came from someone you’d only just met. </p>
<p>When it comes to tricky topics like politics, the absence of such politeness markers is likely to lead to problems. If a stranger expresses a political opinion you don’t agree with, you’d probably think carefully about how to respond. When someone close to you does, you might well just say something direct, such as “that’s rubbish” or “I can’t believe you think that”. </p>
<p>This kind of answer is much more likely to provoke an argument. As well as showing that you don’t agree with them (which can <a href="http://www.lancaster.ac.uk/fass/projects/impoliteness/">seem impolite</a> in itself), such responses can indicate that you don’t mind contradicting or upsetting them, or that you’re not interested in their point of view. This in turn suggests that you’re not bonding well, and don’t want to be on friendly terms – which is much more upsetting for someone who thinks they are close to you, than it would be to a relative stranger.</p>
<h2>Some do’s and don’ts</h2>
<p>If you want things to go well when talking about politics around the dinner table, here are some tips about what to do – or avoid doing.</p>
<p><strong>Do:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>Give the other person time and space to tell you what they think.</li>
<li>Ask them to tell you more about their opinions.</li>
<li>Show that you care about their feelings and that you don’t want to upset them.</li>
<li>Make it clear that you are listening carefully to what they say. </li>
<li>Include politeness markers: <a href="https://www.kuwi.europa-uni.de/de/lehrstuhl/sw/sw2/forschung/hedging/hedging_and_discourse/a_challange/index.html">“hedging”</a> markers, which reduce the strength of statements, are useful here – for example “actually”, “maybe”, “could be”.</li>
</ul>
<p><strong>Don’t:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>Don’t be too direct or blunt.</li>
<li>Don’t interrupt them.</li>
<li>Don’t suggest that things are simpler than they are, for example that there is one definite right answer to a question. </li>
<li>Don’t suggest a negative attitude towards them because of their opinions. </li>
</ul>
<p>There are lots of other things you might think about when discussing tricky topics. We haven’t mentioned the content, for example. One common mistake is to assume that others know things they don’t know, or don’t know things they do (both of which can be really annoying). It might seem like there’s lots to think about, but you don’t need to change drastically to keep things civil with those closest to you. Even little changes can lead to big improvements in how you get along.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/92776/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>We’re often less careful when talking to people we know well than we are when we talk to strangers. That can be a mistake.Billy Clark, Professor of English Language and Linguistics, Northumbria University, NewcastleGraham Hall, Associate Professor in Applied Linguistics/TESOL, Northumbria University, NewcastleSarah Duffy, Senior Lecturer in Languages and Linguistics, Northumbria University, NewcastleLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.tag:theconversation.com,2011:article/941872018-04-04T13:49:25Z2018-04-04T13:49:25ZThat’s just rude: why being polite may not be a universal concept<figure><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/213154/original/file-20180404-189804-1c3uuqc.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=496&fit=clip" /><figcaption><span class="caption">
</span> <span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/angry-little-brat-enjoying-making-grimace-456859264">Shutterstock</a></span></figcaption></figure><p>A French waiter <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-43507949">hit the headlines</a> in March 2018 when he contested his dismissal from a Canadian restaurant for his “aggressive tone and nature”. The waiter argued that his behaviour was due to his French manner, which he described as “more direct” than the Canadian approach, leading to the headline “Fired for being French”. So is politeness a universal concept? Or does our idea of what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour differ according to cultural identity?</p>
<p>Rudeness is <a href="https://journals.aom.org/doi/abs/10.5465/amj.2007.20159919">defined</a> as behaviour that violates social or organisational norms. Norms are our expectations of which behaviours are, or are not, appropriate or acceptable. For example, most people wouldn’t burst into song in the middle of a library, where the norm indicates you should be quiet.</p>
<figure>
<iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/jOwZnCvmryo?wmode=transparent&start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>
<figcaption><span class="caption">United News International/YouTube.</span></figcaption>
</figure>
<p>In a workplace situation, norms of behaviour tend to be quite <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10869-011-9251-4">implicit</a>, leaving scope for misunderstandings and different viewpoints on respectful behaviour. What one person thinks is acceptable behaviour, might be seen as rude or inappropriate by their colleagues. For example, interrupting someone during a meeting might be seen as acceptable by some and rude by others. </p>
<h2>Reducing rudeness</h2>
<p>Understanding the factors that influence rudeness is vital, as it is a widespread problem in the workplace. <a href="https://hbr.org/2013/01/the-price-of-incivility">Reports</a> indicate that 98% of employees will experience rudeness, with 50% of those experiencing it at least once a week. This can have a serious impact on well-being and performance, so reducing rudeness is a key focus for many companies. </p>
<p>There are two trains of thought on the issue of perceived rudeness: the first argues that politeness is universal. The basis for this theory is that everyone has a public image, known as “face”, that they want to maintain. This is our impression of how we are viewed by others, whether we are appreciated and our wish to avoid “losing face” or being embarrassed.</p>
<p>The fact that everyone wants to save “face” should produce a universal desire for politeness that includes things like recognising someone else’s interests and apologising if you realise you have upset someone. It’s been <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/978-1-137-37508-7_22">suggested</a> that this translates into shared rules when it comes to politeness, such as the use of tact, consideration, empathy and being civil – things that everyone can display, regardless of cultural background.</p>
<hr>
<p><em><strong>Read more: <a href="https://theconversation.com/you-should-really-be-nicer-to-your-colleagues-rude-behavior-is-contagious-44795">You really should be nicer to your colleagues - rude behaviour is contagious</a></strong></em> </p>
<hr>
<p>This also acknowledges the darker side of politeness, with the understanding that rudeness is a universal concept, too, particularly when someone is attempting to be deliberately offensive. The flip side of the universal argument is the suggestion that politeness and rudeness are concepts that <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216608002774">differ across cultures</a>.</p>
<h2>Language and misunderstanding</h2>
<p>Many <a href="https://search.proquest.com/docview/202785637/fulltextPDF/6AD677231584D56PQ/1?accountid=8155">researchers</a> focus on directness as a measure for politeness in different languages. For example, Japanese people tend to use indirect speech tactics, such as hedging: “Could I possibly bother you for a moment?”, whereas the German language puts more emphasis on direct, short, constructions: “We need to talk”.</p>
<p>This doesn’t necessarily mean that German speakers are trying to be less polite than Japanese speakers, but differences in language patterns can lead to misunderstandings and offence where none was intended. Given that many workplaces are multicultural, it’s important to be aware of possible differences and accommodate these in order to avoid unintentional rudeness. </p>
<p>Other researchers have looked beyond differences based on language, or country, identifying differences at a regional level.</p>
<figure class="align-center ">
<img alt="" src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/213155/original/file-20180404-189801-f7yi8r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&fit=clip" srcset="https://images.theconversation.com/files/213155/original/file-20180404-189801-f7yi8r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=1 600w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/213155/original/file-20180404-189801-f7yi8r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=2 1200w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/213155/original/file-20180404-189801-f7yi8r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=600&h=450&fit=crop&dpr=3 1800w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/213155/original/file-20180404-189801-f7yi8r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=45&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=1 754w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/213155/original/file-20180404-189801-f7yi8r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=30&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=2 1508w, https://images.theconversation.com/files/213155/original/file-20180404-189801-f7yi8r.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&q=15&auto=format&w=754&h=566&fit=crop&dpr=3 2262w" sizes="(min-width: 1466px) 754px, (max-width: 599px) 100vw, (min-width: 600px) 600px, 237px">
<figcaption>
<span class="caption">Rudeness at work is widespread – 50% of us experience it at least once a week.</span>
<span class="attribution"><a class="source" href="https://www.shutterstock.com/download/confirm/615975485?size=huge_jpg&src=lb-59856941&sort=newestFirst&offset=6">Shutterstock</a></span>
</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>An example of this type of variation is the “blunt Yorkshireman” first proposed by linguistic expert <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216608002774">Professor Sara Mills</a> – whereby the use of straight talking, or being direct, is prized in Yorkshire. But those same speech mannerisms might be considered rude in the south of England, indicating that perceptions of rudeness can vary across regions, despite each group speaking the same language.</p>
<p>But neither point of view considers the influence of <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11747-016-0505-6">descriptive norms</a>. These are guides to behaviour that we pick up in individual situations; we can see what other people are doing and tend to adjust our behaviour to match, or conform, with the majority.</p>
<p>You can test this influence on behaviour quite simply – the next time you are in a lift, try standing so you face the back rather than the front. It’s quite an uncomfortable experience and flies directly in the face of established descriptive norms, which tell you that you should face the doors when you’re in a lift. <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11747-016-0505-6">Research</a> suggests there is a balance to be struck between our idea of expected or “ideal” behaviour based on past experience, and what we see happening in reality. A mixture of both would appear to guide our behaviour.</p>
<p>So is politeness universal? Unlikely. Is rudeness down to misunderstandings driven by cultural differences? Possibly. Language-based differences are certainly a part of it, but by no means the only factor. The exploration of factors influencing rudeness is important, and the more we learn the better we will be able to explain this behaviour. Perhaps one day we will be able to reduce rudeness at work and avoid accidental offence – including being fired for “being French”.</p><img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/94187/count.gif" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" />
<p class="fine-print"><em><span>Dr Amy Irwin does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.</span></em></p>Is being polite a commonly understood idea or is rudeness in the eye of the beholder?Dr Amy Irwin, Lecturer in Psychology, University of AberdeenLicensed as Creative Commons – attribution, no derivatives.