The Horror and Hilarity of Schoolgate Politics

Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple

One of my favourite picture books as a kid was The Jolly Postman (1986).

Sparking a manic inquisitiveness that I’d later horn into a career, the book followed the route of – surprise, surprise – one very peppy postman. Teeny tiny little envelopes were stuck on each page and the reader could open and peruse the contents at will.

Oh the joys of mail-tampering!

That joy – lain quietly dormant for two decades – was promptly reinvigorated by Maria Semple’s new book Where’d You Go, Bernadette.

Not since Nick Hornby’s equally excellent Juliet, Naked (2009) have I found a book so hilarious. That I was surprised at how charmed I was is simply testimony to my shoddy pre-reading investigations: Semple was involved with Arrested Development – unquestionably one of the greatest sitcoms of all time – the book was destined to be great.

Arrested Development

Composed of seized correspondence from, to, and about the missing Bernadette, the reader is taken on a fantastical romp to find out just where this wife, this mother, this prize-winning architect and gorgeously neurotic misanthrope has disappeared to.

I could write about the pleasures of voyeurism, but I’ve done my time investigating Peeping Tom-mery. Instead, I’m interested in one of the narrative threads: schoolgate bitchiness.

A month or so back I was interviewed for a newspaper article about the so-called Carpark Mafia. Apparently there are some mothers who like to bitch it up at the schoolgate.

When I was in primary school a delightful mother of a classmate menaced, “I’ll have your head rolling down Gaffney Street, Lauren.” Apparently my badge-making technique deployed during the school’s fundraising day was slightly… suspect.

That mothers can be insane is no great surprise.

I’ve written about cat-fights before, notably about the media’s preoccupation with them. While the public penchant for women pulling each other’s ponytails likely explains the Herald Sun’s interest, I’m more interested in motivations. What underpins parents glamming it up for the drop-off, forming cliques and dabbling in ostracism?

We could muse about gender, but instead, I’m going to focus on drama. On our preoccupation with it.

Blame social media, blame soap opera, blame women’s magazines, blame a pervasive OMG-everyone’s-life-seems-more-exciting-than-mine mentality, but whatever the impetus, for many, there’s a preoccupation with living a life more dramatic.

That our lives just have to be suitably jazzed up to warrant being loathed, being envied, being Facebook-ed and Tweeted about.

In Where’d You Go, Bernadette, each of the Galer Street School moms – who Bernadette bitingly refers to as the “gnats” – is taking the self-as-the-centre-of-the-universe idea a couple of steps too far. In their minds they’re the stars of their own reality television show. Sworn enemies, frenemies, foes and vengeance a'plenty flesh out their domestic dramedies.

These mothers have created theatre where none exists to distract them from the yawn-worthiness of daily routine. And it’s so divinely witty!

I’m generally unconvinced about the usefulness of genre; certainly Where’d You Go, Bernadette is not of any ilk I’m familiar with. But that shouldn’t deter you. It’s quirky and funny and most entertainingly is quietly of the Zeitgeist in its subtle commentary on the living publicly culture we’re now in.

Join the conversation

13 Comments sorted by

  1. Dennis Alexander

    logged in via LinkedIn

    Thanks Lauren, on your review, I shall probably read the volume sometime soont - after Room, perhaps.
    However, on the "glamming it up for twitter", "drama queens" have been around for an awful long time, possibly even predating the Brontes and Austen, if such were actually possible. Regardless of gender, class, colour, creed or spatio-temporal location, escape from these "... lives of quiet desperation ..." to something more "... full of sound and fury ..." has been necessary for some, many, perhaps all of us at some time. Facebook, twitter and other social media just mean we get to fill in the rest of Shakespeare's words on reading other's jazzing up of their lives.

    report
    1. Lauren Rosewarne

      Senior Lecturer at University of Melbourne

      In reply to Dennis Alexander

      I read Room last year, alas, I wasn't writing this blog then so you'll miss out on my 600-ish words of commentary ;) In short – fascinating premise, wonderful beginning, but I stopped caring about halfway through.

      You're right though: drama queens have existed in different forms for eons. That said, I think social media gives an incentive to those people who wouldn't normally imbibe to either try and live a life worthy of discussion, alternatively, to feel bad about themselves if they don't.

      report
    2. Dennis Alexander

      logged in via LinkedIn

      In reply to Lauren Rosewarne

      thanks for the tip on Room.
      and let's not forget to imbibe a little schadenfreude on lives less worthy in the re-tweeting. ;-)

      report
  2. Dale Bloom

    Laboratory Analyst

    Ah.the schoolgate. More 4WDs than Birdsville, more yoga pants than an Ashram and more ponytails than Saddle Club. Who would have thought it could descend into such horizontal violence.

    report
  3. Mat Hardy

    Lecturer in Middle East Studies at Deakin University

    Because I am an academic and thus immune from doing any actual real work, I am very often at the school gate and an honorary member of the Mumfia. I note that like any bad behaviour, perpetuation across the generations seems to be the cause. Those that had a bad time at school themselves from bullying or ostracism tend to be extremely paranoid about their own children (especially daughters) suffering it. They then seem to over-compensate with heavy-handed involvement in every aspect of their children's social lives: managing friendships, inflating perceived slights, competing over the giftedness of their off-spring...

    report
  4. Peter Hewson

    Citizen

    When you describe an altercation between two women as a 'cat fight' you are very much at their level, if not looking up at them from the gutter.

    report
  5. Dale Bloom

    Analyst

    “That mothers can be insane is no great surprise.”

    No, no, no, no. It is not mothers, but the rest of the world.

    Or, if mothers are cat fighting, it is because of men, so men are to blame anyway.

    Women and mothers are real women.

    report
    1. Dale Bloom

      Laboratory Analyst

      In reply to Dale Bloom

      Let me clarify: women, some of whom are mothers, are subject to the same stressors as men. Therefore it is natural for them to have conflict, some of which may be at the school-gate. Some stressors may be a result of the actions of men, but I overstepped the mark when I said men are to blame. I meant no disrespect to men - they are not to blame.... except in the sense they are fathers, and technically half the cause for women to actually be present at the school-gate.
      In fact in thinking more deeply, why aren't MEN at the school-gate? Probably being oppressed by feminists somewhere, I imagine.

      report
    2. Dale Bloom

      Analyst

      In reply to Dale Bloom

      It must be tedious changing your occupation to match mine, after changing your name and email address to match mine.

      Who taught you to be such a femboy pup?

      report
    3. Mal Adapted

      Primate

      In reply to Dale Bloom

      Why you taught us, of course. Everything we are is inspired by you.
      And, no, it is not tedious.... Not in the slightest.

      report
    4. Dale Bloom

      Analyst

      In reply to Mal Adapted

      So femboy pup has at least changed their occupation to something different (Squalling chimera).

      Next step is for femboy pup to begin to think for themselves, however painful that may be at first.

      report
    5. Dale Bloom

      Laboratory Analyst

      In reply to Dale Bloom

      Oh abuse. What university did you attend where you would learn such feminist invective. If you ever did a day's work in your life you would know what and expert in everything that it makes you.

      report